Pan Goatee and The Disembodied Image On The Basilica

December 8, 2019 at 11:50 pm (Aesthetics, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Pan Goatee and The Disembodied Image On The Basilica

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was thinking about how well his guillotine boomerang invention worked.

He first tried it a couple of days ago.

The guillotine boomerang he had picked up in a 2nd hand shop and it had been sold as a definitely not rare Ernievarius violin from Australia.

The original Ernievarius violin inventor named Uncle Ernie had in fact intended the violin (made out of rubber tires) to serve as a rubber boomerang designed to be extremely user friendly (in other words idiots could use it) so that Australian white guys (who had never quite grasped both the concept and the aerodynamics of the wooden boomerang invented by Australian aborigines) could use it.

But Uncle Ernie’s rubber boomerang had in fact failed its test as a boomerang.

However it turned out to be a highly successful violin designed for those musicians who had to travel long distances in their cars and needed more than one spare tire.

Pan Goatee with his innate Greek satyr wisdom managed to turn the Ernievarius into its original purpose- that of a rubber boomerang.

He had been taking the garbage out a few days ago when he noticed an ugly looking girl walking down the other side of the street.

Goatee happened to have the guillotine boomerang (Ernievarius violin with an attached guillotine blade -also bought in a 2nd hand store- and one that had been personally autographed by Maximilien Robespierre) with him.

So Goatee hurled the guillotine boomerang at the ugly looking disgrace to humanity and cut her head off.

The guillotine boomerang came with a recorded voice- the voice of Britain’s John Cleese saying, “My God but you’re ugly”- just before it cut the ugly looking creature’s head off.

The guillotine boomerang then returned to Goatee’s medieval knight’s metallic armoured glove.

Today Goatee was out walking.

He had of course left the guillotine boomerang at home but he had brought his trusty laser astral machete with him.

He happened to walk past a bus stop where an ugly looking woman stood there with an airport suitcase at her side.

“You no doubt would be a hazard to flying,” Goatee commented as he cut her head off.

As he continued on, he hoped that other passengers and crew on that flight would write him notes of thanks for sparing them the unhappiness of an agonizing flight riding in a plane with such an uglo.

He walked around several blocks and then was walking up a path that led to both a public library and a shopping centre at the end of the trail.

He was approached by an ugly looking woman walking along the path.

“Didn’t you see that sign along the path that said NO TWO LEGGED DOGS ALLOWED! ?” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the reading comprehension challenged uglo.

As Goatee walked along, he wondered if comedian Jimmy Fallon would ever portray him Pan Goatee on Saturday Night Live since Fallon had recently portrayed Justin Trudeau making fun of Donald Trump on the legendary TV program.

. . .

Cerberus the three-headed dog of the Underworld realm of Hades was on his lunch break.

For lunch, he was eating three large king sized medium well done steaks.

The steaks were made from real beef and were not vegan plant based.

That’s because they weren’t really worried about the hazards of climate change in the Underworld since what they called global warming on the earth above had already been happening down here for several millennia.

When he had finished eating, Cerberus still had some time to kill so he went around singing a Latin language version of that old Patti Page song How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?

He text messaged with audio the song performed by all 3 heads to J.K. Rowling to determine whether the Latin pronunciation and grammar was impeccable.

It turned out it was.

Cerberus happily wagged all 3 of his tails.

As he walked back to underworld sentry guard dog duty, Cerberus passed by the ghost of the late former Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke.

Hawke was tied face down to a barbecue where his face had become a possible visual testimony for a commercial about the hazards of not using sunscreen while strolling across the desert.

Cerberus had recently watched a BCC News Story about how Hawke back in 1983 had told his daughter Rosslyn not to press sexual assault charges against Bill Landeryou a fellow MP in Hawke’s Australian Labour Party.

According to an affidavit Rosslyn said she had been sexually assaulted 3 times in 1983 while working in Landeryou’s office.

After the 3rd sexual assault, Rosslyn had approached her father Bob Hawke and said she wanted to go to the police to report it and press charges against Landeryou.

Hawke responded by saying, “You can’t. I can’t have any controversies right now. I am sorry but I am challenging for the leadership of the Labour Party.”

Hawke’s parliamentary colleague Bill Landeryou was likewise down in Tartarus and tied face down to a barbecue.

Every morning, noon and nighttime too, Landeryou was sodomized in the rear end by a gay Cyclops named Pansyianapolis who sported a 90 foot phallus.

As for Hawke, he was sodomized every morning, noon and nighttime too by a gay centaur sporting a 9 foot phallus.

Hawke was always told by the gay centaur not to tell anyone as this might affect the gay centaur’s chances of being elected Prime Minister of Hades.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man and detective they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was walking down the streets of the Eternal City of Rome.

He had been informed that people in Rome were being attacked and burnt at night by the flaming disembodied head of a silver haired Jesuit priest with a hooked nose.

Whitstable looked in the direction of the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica and there on the dome was a large visual image of the flaming head of a Jesuit priest with a hooked nose.

A group of sinister looking flying gargoyles gathered in front of the dome of Saint Peter’s and cried, “Hail Teilhard!”.

The disembodied head opened its flaming mouth and spoke, “All must worship me.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday December 8th
2019.

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Margarita Carmen Cansino, Orson Welles and Jack Benny

September 21, 2019 at 11:04 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Movies, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Margarita Carmen Cansino, Orson Welles and Jack Benny 

The Norse trickster god Loki sat at the controls of the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.

He had just finished sampling a month’s supply of Chemical of The Day Club (as opposed to Book of The Month Club) samples sent to him by a friend in Australia who went by the cheery sounding name of Uncle Ernie.

With Uncle Ernie’s Chemicals of The Day fully in control of his mind, Loki was now creating many a time warp down at CERN.

With Liberace and Olivia Newton John performing a duet of the song Let’s Do The Time Warp Again (from The Rocky Horror Picture Show) in the background, Loki was doing much temporal mischief.

The ghost of Orson Welles (who currently lived as a spectral guest in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set where, along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill, he served as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield) found himself sent back in time to the year 1935.

Tears came to Welles’ spectral eyes when he saw the young Margarita Carmen Cansino (who was later forced by Hollywood studio producers to change her name to Rita Hayworth) standing there.

“I should have been a more loving husband to her,” Welles’ ghost sobbed as he ordered a bottle of Chardonnay from the studio gopher.

“I can’t believe the nerve of that white guy who wanted to audition for the role of Charlie Chan,” Margarita Carmen Cansino shook her head.

“Would that have been Warner Oland?” Welles asked.

“No,” Rita shook her head, “Some non-talented entity from up in Canada who had listed High School Drama Teacher in Vancouver on his resume.”

Welles’ ghost went over to the next studio where the great American comic actor Jack Benny was holding auditions for his next movie.

Some obviously white guy wearing blackface stood on stage at the microphone.

“Hi,” said the man, “My name is Justin Trudeau and I’d like to audition for the role of Rochester.”

“Someone get that bum out of here,” Benny remarked.

Cerberus the 3-headed dog from the Underworld of Hades chased the Rochester wannabe off stage.

Welles began returning to the year 2019 when Loki hit another control at CERN.

As Welles whizzed through the year 1968, he encountered a newspaper boy shouting, “Read all about it. Peter Sellers beats out a Canadian for the role of Hrundi V. Bakshi in the movie The Party.”

Welles went back momentarily to the year 1965 where Mel Brooks the Executive Producer of the TV series Get Smart was remarking, “I don’t even want that Drama teacher auditioning for this role never mind getting it,” as a KAOS villain shouts, “Not Claw, Craw!”.

Welles eventually landed back in 2019 where he arrived in the Set Mansion living room as Amadeus was watching the 2016 remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 21st
2019.

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Dracul and Draculina and Athena

June 23, 2018 at 10:54 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Dracul and Draculina and Athena

After Dracul Van Helsing went to the TV studio where the Countess Draculina had been broadcasting, he let her know that her father Dracula was back from the dead and was now one of the living Undead again.

The old Transylvanian Count and Wallachian Prince had been in Syria fighting alongside the Kurds against invading Turkish forces.

Now he was wandering the streets of Istanbul along with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora and the Israeli Mossad agent code named the Controller of The Golem.

They were campaigning for opposition political parties running against megalomaniac President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and his Islamist party which were intent on restoring the Ottoman Empire.

Both the Presidential and Parliamentary elections were being held tomorrow in Turkey.

Now on this Saturday night, the trio were taking a break from campaigning and were enjoying a dinner of lahmacun and drinking Turkish coffee in an Istanbul cafe while they watched a wrestling match going on outside in the street between Cerberus the 3 headed dog of The Underworld and the ghost of Saddam Hussein.

Saddam’s ghost lost.

His ghostly arms and legs had been bitten off by Cerberus’ 3 heads.

Cerberus belched 3 times- one for each head.

The 3 Furies (aka the Erinyes aka the Eumenides) showed up in leather skirted dominatrix outfits and driving a combination black hearse and ambulance.

They picked up the howling Saddam and his separated limbs and stuck them in the back of the hearse/ambulance and headed back to the Underworld of Hades.

“You don’t see that everyday,” Dracula remarked to Theodora and the Controller of the Golem.

Coincidentally Draculina said the same thing to Dracul Van Helsing as she orgasmed for the umpteenth time as the vampire hunter gave her a lesson in tantric sex from the Kama Sutra.

Dracul and the vampiress weather forecaster were back in Dracul’s room in the old Carpathian Mountain inn.

A horse and carriage then showed up at the inn to drive Draculina to Bucharest Airport where she’d catch the evening flight from Bucharest to Istanbul.

“I’ve been to Istanbul before you know,” Draculina remarked as she put her dress back on, “my mother was Turkish you know.”

“I didn’t know that,” Dracul adjusted his tie, “so your father was a Wallachian Prince who’s best known in history for impaling Turks and yet your mother was Turkish.”

“Yes but he impaled her with flesh and not wood,” Draculina put on her pantyhose, “and that instrument gave her pleasure unlike the stakes my father used on the Turkish warriors.”

“I understand the same could not be said for Isis and Osiris on the night they conjugally conceived Horus since Isis couldn’t find Osiris’ phallus after Set had cut him up into 14 pieces and so they were forced to use a phallus made of wood,” Dracul reflected aloud.

“Ouch,” Draculina winced.

“No wonder they’re always showing the Eye of Horus everywhere,” Dracul noted, “what is mistaken for Illuminati symbolism is actually the Egyptian deity advertising for a good ophthalmologist somewhere who can actually get the splinters out of his eye.”

Meanwhile in Damascus, Syria, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad received a phone call on his Hermes Trismegistus smart phone.

“Yes, I did study ophthalmology in London,” Bashar replied to the caller’s question.

“Splinters eh?” Bashar took notes.

In another one of the palace rooms, the head of the Syrian Orthodox Church was chanting the Gospel passage of the day for a small group of Christians who worked in the palace – “Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5)

“How’s your name spelled?” Bashar asked, “Horus? Would that be like the Egyptian god? It would. Well if you can drop around the palace tomorrow…”

After the coach and horse had picked up Draculina, Dracul went for a walk in the woods near the Inn.

There he came across the Greek goddess Athena looking pensive.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 23rd
2018.

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