Renfield Gets New Ghost Spirit Advisors For The Next Month

September 30, 2022 at 10:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield dreamed that he was playing Peter Lorre’s character in the 1944 film The Mask of Dimitrios.

Renfield was rather enjoying the role as in this particular scene some beautiful dancer was rubbing against him.

He was awakened by the sound of the Set Estate guard cat Nefertiti Galore outside who was tearing apart some foreign intelligence secret agent who had been sent to assassinate Renfield.

After having ripped the assassin to shreds with her sharp feline claws, she was now meowing outside the front door demanding that Athelstan the Estate butler and valet give her a bowl of milk and a plate of tuna as a reward for her efforts.

Renfield got up from his evening nap and went downstairs.

He was shocked to see the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill (his supernatural spirit advisors) standing at the front door with their ghostly spectral luggage packed looking like they were ready to leave.

“Are you leaving?” Renfield did not want the duo to go.

“We’re just taking a tour of Europe for a month,” Welles answered as he sipped from a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

“We’ll be back if nothing happens,” Churchill smoked a spectral cigar and sipped a spectral glass of spectral brandy.

“Happens? What might happen?” Renfield inquired.

“That’s the reason why you’re being given a new pair of ghost spirit advisors for the next month,” Welles explained as he let Nefertiti Galore into the house, “Go into the living room and meet your new advisors.”

Renfield did so.

There sitting in one arm chair was the ghost of John F. Kennedy sipping a lime daiquiri and in the other arm chair was the ghost of Nikita Khrushchev downing a bottle of vodka.

It suddenly hit Renfield.

Next month was the 60th anniversary of the Cuban missile crisis.

The closest the world had ever come to a global nuclear war.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 30th
2022.

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Athelstan The Valet Listens To Portions of Renfield’s Podcast

September 22, 2022 at 11:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Greek goddess Hera listens to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.

She was horrified by the possibility that Russian President Vladimir Putin might launch a nuclear attack on the West.

Renfield seemed to have insider information from Russia as well as knowing the contents of the Third Secret of Fatima (whose text the Vatican claimed to have released back in 2000 but they lied. They only released a vision associated with the secret not the secret itself).

Hera decided she must do something.

She didn’t want to see the destruction of planet Earth.

She got in touch with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora who in her mortal life had been the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I.

Theodora had been turned into a vampiress on June 28th 548 AD by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

Otherwise Theodora would have died from cancer.

“Hello,” Theodora picked up her phone at her estate in Athens, Greece.

. . .

Senile old fool Joe Biden was not listening to Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.

He was sniffing the needles on his marijuana smoking cactus planet which inhaled marijuana cigarettes and then exhaled marijuana smoke.

Biden believed the cactus needles were the hair of The Woman In Green.

The Woman In Green was the name of a 1945 Universal Pictures Sherlock Holmes film with Basil Rathbone as Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson that he watched on late night television last night.

“Mr. President,” one of his aides entered the Oval Office.

“Ow,” Joe pricked his nose on a cactus needle, “What is it?”.

“The wealthy residents of Martha’s Vineyard are once again complaining about immigrants being sent there,” his aide said.

“Who’s sending immigrants this time?” Biden wiped his nose with a used diaper, “Ron DeSantis or Greg Abbot?”.

“Greg Abbott the Governor of Texas,” his aide answered, “But this recent batch of immigrants are different. These are zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors recently raised from the dead in Mexico by a South African witch doctor at the behest of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who’s the goddaughter of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl (whom Utah Sen. Mitt Romney being Mormon thinks is the person of Jesus Christ when he visited the Americas according to Mormon teaching).”

“Why did Qonzilqointec send these zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors across the Mexico-U.S. border anyways?” Biden asked. “And does this Qonzilqointec have nice hair? Is it worth sniffing?”.

“Qonzilqointec is very beautiful, she does have nice hair and it probably is worth sniffing,” his aide explained.

“This new King Charles III of England was quite cranky when I sniffed the flowers on his mother’s coffin quite intently as the cameras looked away,” Biden recalled, “He asked me what the Hell I was doing? It was quite sad that it was a closed casket funeral. I quite enjoyed sniffing Her Majesty’s hair when she was alive. I wonder if…”

“Mr. President, to answer your 1st question,” his aide interjected, “The reason Qonzilqointec sent these living dead Aztec warriors across the border was to re-annex parts of the U.S. to a revived Aztec Empire.”

“But I don’t think Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts was ever part of the Aztec Empire,” Joe Biden reflected.

“It is now,” another aide entered the room.

. . .

Athelstan the butler and valet to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was doing his daily housecleaning duties around the Set Estate mansion.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who lived in the mansion) was doing his Thursday night podcast from his bedroom.

Athelstan occasionally listened in before going on to his next cleaning job.

As he passed the room, he heard Renfield say, “They are a bunch of Belgian waffles who have fruits all over them…”

“Is Renfield talking about breakfast?” Athelstan asked Amadeus Emanon as he walked by.

“No,” Athelstan shook his head, “I think he’s talking about the Belgian Conference of (supposedly) Catholic Bishops who have voted to approve blessing gay unions.”

Athelstan dusted Set’s statue of Napoleon.

He walked by Renfield’s room where he heard Renfield say, “The Vatican is a Communist craphole…”

When he finished dusting Set’s nude statue of Pauline Borghese as Venus Victrix, he passed Renfield’s room again where Renfield asked, “What does Joe Biden have in common with the Vatican?”.

When he had finished dusting the statue of Queen Cleopatra, again he passed Renfield’s room where Renfield said, “Meanwhile in other news, U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris is bitching that a group of zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors have taken over her house…”

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday September 22nd
2022.

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Trump Dances With Kim Jong-un On The Korean Border

June 30, 2019 at 10:41 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Trump Dances With Kim Jong-un On The Korean Border 

The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was going to watch some news footage.

He would not be viewing the news footage on his smart phone or tablet or laptop as the old Egyptian deity had recently come down with a severe allergy to 21st Century technology.

His physician (who specialized in vampiric and other supernatural creature ailments) Dr. Henry Jekyll said that might be a good thing since it would make him less likely to accept the integrated Mark of the Beast system when the Antichrist took power on the world stage.

Set agreed that it might have its advantages.

So Set’s chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had arranged a Set Enterprises team to download news off the Net, put it over on to old fashioned film, wind it on to old fashioned film reels, put them on a film projector and then project the images from the film projector on to a white screen in a darkened room.

Set would currently be watching uncensored news footage (not generally available to most of the world’s population) of United States President Donald Trump meeting North Korean leader Kim Jong-un on the border between the two Koreas on the Korean Peninsula earlier today.

The film showed Trump waving to Kim Jong-un in the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) between North and South Korea.

The two men shook hands.

Kim invited Trump to step over the northern DMZ line across the border into North Korea.

Trump stuck his left leg across the border into North Korea and began to sing, “You put your left foot in… ” (puts his left foot across the border), “you take your left foot out” (takes his left foot back into the DMZ), “you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about” (Trump spins around like an idiot while standing on his right leg alone as he shakes his left leg in the air as he spins around).

Mr. Trump then proceeded to do the same with his right foot, “You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out, you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about” all the while doing the accompanying actions and spins between the DMZ line and the North Korean border using a different leg and foot this time.

“Is the President of the United States actually doing what my eyes seem to suggest he’s doing?” Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan.

“I believe he is, sir,” Athelstan answered.

“Well this explains why they now allow people from other countries to perform on the show America’s Got Talent,” Set started to eat his hot buttered popcorn as he sat in his theatre seat.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher 
Sunday June 30th
2019.

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Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

May 13, 2015 at 7:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

Renfield R. Renfield the leader of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party was lying on the sofa in the living room.

His eyes were glazed as if he were in a total state of shock (or had been listening to Paris Hilton giving an oral presentation analyzing the Liebestod in Tristan und Isolde).

Renfield was suffering from PEDSD or Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder.

All 11 of his independent candidates running on his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform (including himself) had gone down to defeat in last Thursday’s United Kingdom General Election.

Ten of them had wound up in last place in their respective constituencies including himself Renfield R. Renfield.

And he had done the worst of all the candidates running on behalf of his party- he had received only one vote in his constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set’s colossal London mansion was located.

This further sent Renfield into a state of agony as if he were receiving a major enema up the bowels of his netherworld.

“Since I know I voted for myself,” Renfield wept to Athelstan the mansion’s butler and Amadeus Emanon the mansion’s resident concert pianist, “since I always vote for the best candidate, what this means is that neither of you nor the Boss voted for me.”

Both Athelstan and Amadeus looked at Renfield but said nothing.

The independent candidate for his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party who had done the best was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) who had come in second behind Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.

Now there was a call among the country’s science-fiction loving nerds who made up the bulk of the party’s membership that Renfield be dumped as party leader and replaced with Morgana.

So Renfield had rented a Darth Vader costume along with a pair of Mr. Spock ears (that he’d place on either side of his Darth Vader helmet) to give a live webcast speech to the party’s membership tonight defending his leadership.

Renfield picked up from the coffee table a copy of the speech he had written to deliver to the party later that evening.

The speech began, “My fellow Transhumanists, I may never have owned a dog called Checkers but I once played the game of Chinese checkers…”

He put down the speech, sat back on the sofa and looked depressed again.

Amadeus put on the radio to listen to the program The Galloping Guru- a self-help and motivational program hosted by a New Age speaker who gave beatitudes of inspiration and enlightenment while riding on a horse through the Tennessee countryside.

As the emergency sound of a train whistle blowing and the anguished neighing of a horse could be heard, this was then followed by a moment of silence.

Then the somewhat agonized voice of the not-so-Galloping Guru spoke while ambulance sirens were heard in the background, “I’m reminded of something Robert Downey Jr. once said… Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”

“Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean there aren’t other movie roles out there besides the male lead in Fifty Shades of Grey either,” Renfield remarked in punishing fashion.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 12th
2015.

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Vampire Set Gets A Food Bill For 4500 British Pounds

October 29, 2011 at 7:57 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set almost had a heart attack (he would have if he had been a mere mortal) when he noticed his estate’s food bill.

“In the name of Amun-Ra,” Set swore, “we paid 4500 pounds sterling just for one single piece of fish.”

“Apparently,” Renfield nodded, “the fish was a 10 kilogram Empurau or Emperor fish. It’s an exotic variety of fish that’s found in the Malaysian province of Sarawak on the island of Borneo. It can apparently cost up to RM 6,000 in Malaysian currency or roughly $2,000 in U.S. currency. So it’s no surprise that it cost us 4500 pounds sterling.”

“But who the Hell ordered it?” Set asked.

“Amadeus,” Renfield answered, “he’s developed an appetite for Malaysian cuisine recently.”

“Well please tell Amadeus to develop an appetite for a less expensive form of cuisine,” Set ordered.

“Will do, sir,” Renfield made a note of that on his iPad.

“By the way,” Set asked, “did you or I or Athelstan get to taste a piece of this Empurau fish?”.

“No,” Renfield shook his head, “Amadeus ate all 10 kilograms of it by himself at one sitting.”

“Amadeus,” it was the voice of Amadeus’s date for the evening the New Orleans singer Angelique Dumont at the front door of the mansion, “you seem to have put on a lot of weight since I last saw you.”

To be continued.

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