Dracula and Sherrielock Holmes Meet Again
Dracula and Sherrielock Holmes Meet Again
Dracula stood alongside the statue of Queen Boudicca (the queen of the Celtic Iceni tribe who led an uprising in 1st Century AD Roman Britain) near Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament.
He had turned down Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s offer to stay at the Rocher home when he found out that the Set Enterprises scientist was the great grandson of Sherrielock Holmes (the woman who had been called the Dominatrix of the Wild West back in the American west of the 1880s and was now called the Dominatrix of Europe in the 2nd decade of the 21st Century).
Dracula stood looking up at the blue moon in the London night sky.
He had his hands behind his back which was a stupid thing to do in retrospect.
Suddenly he found an extremely sharp stinging object around his hands which quickly tied them.
“When part of you is tied, you can’t turn yourself into a bat 🦇 or wolf 🐺 and try to escape,” said a familiar stern sounding voice.
Dracula quickly whirled around with his hands still tied behind his back.
He quickly discovered that what tied his hands was a long black whip.
And standing there was a familiar figure- Sherrielock Holmes.
She was dressed in a black leather mini skirt, black silk fishnet pantyhose and spiked stiletto boots.
Somewhat different from the attire she wore when he last saw her when she wore long elegant evening gowns as proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the town of Hayden Colorado.
“I want you to come to my dungeon where I’ll show you my etchings,” said Sherrielock, “that I’ll carve with my whip into your backside.”
Later in Sherrielock’s dungeon the Count begged, “Please don’t. I don’t like tomatoed buns.”
“But they’re such a delicacy,” Sherrielock laughed as she cracked the whip across the vampire’s naked backside.
The dungeon masked the screams of the Wallachian prince and Transylvanian nobleman.
So London slept undisturbed by Sherrielock’s act of revenge.
Meanwhile in the U.S. Congress in Washington D.C., Donald Trump was giving the State of the Union Address.
And sitting in the front row of the public gallery was a woman named Katherine Van Dusen known to her close confidantes as Klondike Kate (the woman that Dracula had turned into a vampiress when she worked as a saloon dancer 💃🏻 for Sherrielock Holmes at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon).
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 30th
2018.
Klondike Kate and The Pantages Film
Klondike Kate and The Pantages Film
Dracul Van Helsing was in London England where he had been asked to meet his friend Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
Dracul was to meet Whitstable in the old film projectionist’s room of an old movie 🎥 theatre.
“Hello, Dracul,” Whitstable was putting an old reel of film through an old film projector.
“Wow, this takes me back to my childhood days when all movie theatres were like this before the advent of the big multiplex cinemas,” Dracul looked around.
“I found this old film reel at an antique collectibles store in Paris,” Whitstable explained as he turned on the projector, “it’s most likely a copy of a copy of a copy that was shot way back but still in good condition.”
“How way back was it shot?” Dracul inquired who was wishing he had a carton of hot buttered popcorn 🍿 with him as he looked through the projectionist’s window and out on to the old classic theatre seats.
“1902,” Whitstable answered, “during the dying days of the Klondike Gold Rush.”
“Really?” Dracul was impressed.
He had been raised in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada during the days when they still had an interesting summer festival called Klondike Days when entire families would dress in Klondike attire and celebrate the days of the Klondike Gold Rush in the Yukon which hit its peak in 1897.
Klondike Days was later replaced by a boring summer festival called Capital Ex (which most Edmontonians called the Ex Lax Festival).
It was now called K-Days which gave the impression that the old Klondike Days theme had been restored but really it hadn’t.
“Yes, it shows an interesting encounter between the real Klondike Kate and Alexander Pantages,” Whitstable winked.
Dracul had heard about the famous Klondike Gold Rush love affair between saloon dancer/brothel keeper Kathleen “Kitty” Rockwell and Alexander Pantages then a struggling waiter and bartender (who went on to found the famous Pantages chain of vaudeville and movie theatres across the U.S. and Canada) in Dawson City, Yukon.
“Of course,” Whitstable smiled, “you’ve probably heard about the claim made by a TV show called The Canadians in which it was said that the real Klondike Kate was actually a woman called Katherine Ryan who lived the adventures that Kathleen Rockwell borrowed for her own use.”
“I’ve heard that, yes,” Dracul acknowledged.
“Well this film which I’ve had authenticated by various film experts shows us indeed who was the real Klondike Kate in action with future motion picture theatre mogul Alexander Pantages,” said Whitstable in dramatic fashion.
After watching the reel of film (which would probably be considered soft porn by today’s movie standards), Dracul turned to Whitstable and said, “The real Klondike Kate was a vampiress.”
“So it would appear,” Whitstable lit a cigarette in a manner more reminiscent of the Smoking Man than Fox Mulder.
“She certainly bit him with her fangs and sucked his blood but she doesn’t seemed to have killed him or turned him into a vampire,” Dracul reflected, “if Pantages had become a vampire, he might have been able to beat that phony rape charge that Joseph Patrick Kennedy Sr. orchestrated against him in 1929 in his effort to destroy a motion picture rival.”
“Yes, a vampire would have made minced meat out of a slime ball like Kennedy,” Whitstable agreed.
“Any idea who this vampiress is?” Dracul asked.
“I’ve determined that her name was Katherine Van Dusen and she was apparently turned into a vampiress at a Wild West saloon called The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the town of Hayden Colorado back in the early 1880s,” Whitstable explained, “and the rumour which I’ve been unable to verify was that she was turned into a vampiress by Count Dracula himself.”
“The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon?” Dracul recognized the name from conversations he had with Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “Do you happen to know the name of the proprietress of this saloon?”.
“Sherrielock Holmes,” Whitstable answered.
Meanwhile Dr. Cadbury Rocher was having dinner with Dracula at the Savoy Hotel in London.
“Did I ever tell you that my great-grandmother is still alive?” Dr. Rocher picked up sirloin steak on his fork, “She’s immortal but she isn’t a vampiress.”
“Really? What’s her name?” Dracula asked over his roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
“Sherrielock Holmes,” Dr. Rocher answered.
Dracula’s face turned as white as the table cloth prior to his dumping gravy all over it at the mention of Sherrielock’s name.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 28th
2018.
“Kiss Me, Kate” “Bite Me!”
“Kiss Me, Kate” “Bite Me!”
Dracula was in a second floor saloon bedroom at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the Wild West town of Hayden, Colorado making out with one of the saloon dancers 💃🏻- a woman named Katherine Van Dusen.
Sherrielock Holmes had told the Wallachian prince and Transylvanian nobleman (he held the title of Count of the Carpathians in the latter country) that he could make out with the saloon dancers 💃🏻 if he chose but she had put her spiked stiletto high-heeled foot down at the idea of turning any of them into vampiresses.
The Count was indeed getting it on with the red dress wearing Katherine Van Dusen whose red dress and black silk nylons were almost off at the moment.
“Kiss me, Kate!” Dracula shouted in the only line he knew from Shakespeare’s The Taming of The Shrew.
“Bite me!” Kate answered.
“What?” Dracula looked puzzled.
“Turn me into a vampiress!” Kate demanded.
“But do you know what your boss Sherrielock will do to me if I turn you into a vampiress?” Dracula raised one of his dark eyebrows.
“What are you?” Kate mocked him, “A vampire lord or a mouse 🐭?”.
“Well some people call bats 🦇 flying mice,” Dracula reflected.
“Shut up and bite me!” Kate showed the count her ivory white neck.
Dracula finally gave in and bit her on the neck.
“Suck me! Suck me! Suck me!” Kate screamed.
A phonetics and linguistics analysis professor who was in the next bedroom with another saloon dancer 💃🏻 remarked to his nocturnal companion, “I think that poor woman next door is unable to distinguish between an s and an f.”
Dracula had soon sucked Kate’s blood and then opened one of his veins and allowed Kate to suck his own.
Sherrielock, concerned by the shouting in Kate’s bedroom, had opened the door.
Miss Holmes’ face soon turned as white as the evening dress she was wearing.
“Dracula, you’ve turned one of my saloon girls into a vampiress,” Sherrielock hissed.
She ran to her office and pulled a whip and a cat o’ nine tails out of her desk drawer.
She then ran back into the room and said to the Count, “I’m going to tomato 🍅 your buttocks until they’re as red as the glistening liquid substance on your fangs.”
Dracula quickly turned into a bat 🦇 and got the Hell out of there.
“Meatloaf is ready!” The saloon cook shouted from downstairs.
Sherrielock looked out the room’s open window and shouted in the direction of the flying bat 🦇, “You can rest assured, Dracula, that someday the two of us will meet again. And when we do, there will be Hell to pay.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 27th
2018.
Dracula Meets Sherrielock Holmes
Dracula Meets Sherrielock Holmes
Sherrielock Holmes did come downstairs wearing a lovely black evening dress.
She asked Belvedere her bartender, “Where are the troublemakers?”.
“They’ve left,” said Belvedere.
“Who are you?” Sherrielock Holmes asked the elegant stranger standing at the bar.
“The name,” the stranger bowed courteously, “is Dracula.”
“Dracula,” Sherrielock smiled a knowing smile, “like Vlad III the medieval 15th Century prince of Wallachia.”
Dracula gasped.
He didn’t think anyone outside Eastern Europe had heard of him.
This, Dracula thought to himself, was one intelligent woman.
Which made her a force to be reckoned with.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 26th
2018.
A Mysterious Stranger In The Wild West
A Mysterious Stranger In The Wild West
It was a warm autumn evening in October of 1880 when a tall dark stranger arrived in the Wild West town of Hayden Colorado.
He did not arrive in town on horse or by stagecoach like most strangers did.
He just suddenly appeared in the night out of nowhere.
Although seconds before, a bat 🦇 had flown out of the night sky and landed on the main street in town in front of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon.
Where the bat had once flown, a tall distinguished man in elegant European style dress now stood.
The man with top hat and elegant cloak and coat with an elegant walking stick on whose top was the engraved carved head of a black wolf 🐺 entered through the swinging doors of the saloon.
The hustle and bustle of the saloon suddenly stopped when the stranger walked through the door.
All eyes turned on to the elegantly dressed stranger.
Every rough and tough rough and tumble cowboy looked upon the stranger with contempt.
The gunslinger with the meanest reputation in town walked up to the man and knocked off his top hat while laughing, “Well, well, what do we have here? A bit of a dandy eh?”.
The stranger gave the gunslinger a kick that sent the man flying out the door into the street.
The gunslinger’s best friend immediately pulled out his six shooter and fired all 6 bullets into the stranger.
The stranger did not even wince let alone keel over to the floor like any normal man would have done.
“Now, gentlemen,” Belvedere the bartender called out, “you know the Boss doesn’t like guns being fired in the saloon.”
Silence fell in the saloon.
The Boss was a breathtakingly beautiful Englishwoman with a fierce temper.
They didn’t call her the Dominatrix of the Wild West for nothing.
She’d quite literally whip any wrongdoer.
“What happened to the bullets?” Asked the startled 😱 man who fired the shots.
The elegantly dressed stranger calmly opened his right hand (which had been clenched into a fist) and dropped six bullets on to the floor one by one.
Everyone in the saloon immediately looked away from the stranger.
With the exception of Belvedere the bartender.
“Care for a drink, sir?” Belvedere was wondering if his boss Miss Sherrielock Holmes would come running down the stairs from her office wondering what the shots were about.
The elegant stranger took off his hat, cloak, coat and wolf’s head walking stick and laid them on the bar.
“I think I shall,” said the man as he took off his elegant black leather gloves.
“A glass of wine 🍷 perhaps?” Belvedere suggested.
“Yes,” said the man in a heavy Eastern European accent that sounded either Hungarian or Romanian, “I do drink wine 🍷 and I hope someday no one says otherwise.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 25th
2018.
Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery Part 2
Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery Part 2
It turned out that Serena was a screenplay writer.
“A screenplay?” Welles reached for her script, “And what sort of screenplay have you written?”.
“It’s for a Western,” Serena replied.
“Really?” Welles raised an eyebrow, “I was just contemplating whether I should make a Western. You must have read 📖 my mind.”
“It’s a great mind to read, Mr. Welles,” Serena smiled at him.
“Thank you, my dear,” Welles started to read through her script.
When he had finished reading, Welles peered at Serena, his eyes looking at her just above the script.
“So, let me get this straight,” Welles looked at Serena, “this Wild West saloon bartender named Belvedere is still a virgin at 45 years of age. He is propositioned by one of the recently hired working girls at the saloon/bordello (which Belvedere naively doesn’t know is a bordello as well as a saloon) to come up to her room above the saloon and sleep with her. When he wakes up the next morning after a night of passionate lovemaking, not only is his virginity now gone but he’s received a bill for $20 as the price of payment for her sleeping with him.”
“That is correct,” Serena sat on Welles’ desk and crossed her lovely nylon clad legs as she smoothed her skirt.
“Ah, those glory days of the Wild Wild West,” Welles smiled, “it’s considerably more than $20 for such services these days.”
Serena looked at him.
“Or so I’ve been told,” Welles cleared his throat.
Serena just smiled.
“And then,” Welles returned to the script, “when Belvedere refuses to pay her, she uses an ancient Egyptian spell to turn him into a white salamander. In fact a colour of white that was ghostly white in colour so he becomes a ghost white salamander.”
“That is correct,” Serena nodded.
“And then in a panic once he discovers that he’s become a ghost white salamander, Belvedere runs down the outside stairwell of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon and jumps into the Main Street of the town where he is promptly run over by a covered wagon heading west. He dies instantly and becomes the ghost of a ghost white salamander.”
“You’ve got it,” Serena threw back her hair and smiled at him.
“You know,” Welles sat there and reflected, “years ago when I was in my radio studio in New York City 🌃 and doing my final script reading of the Mercury Theatre On The Air’s War of The Worlds broadcast before it was actually broadcast over the airwaves, a ghost white salamander named Belvedere appeared to me and told me a similar story of what had happened to him. Later I just thought I had fallen asleep at the microphone 🎤 while rehearsing and dreamed the whole thing.”
“Maybe you didn’t dream the whole thing,” Serena uncrossed and crossed her legs again.
“I must say,” Welles laughed, “that I love the idea of the proprietress of this Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon where Belvedere works being Sherlock Holmes’ lesser known twin sister Sherrielock Holmes who’s a professional dominatrix by profession.”
“It makes for interesting reading doesn’t it?” Serena laughed.
“And for even more interesting camera 🎥 angles and close-up shots,” Welles mused aloud with a huge smile on his face, “I particularly love the directions in the script where the saloon/bordello’s new working girl Serena… say that just hit me now… same name as yours… has a classic old style railway watch that hangs on a chain down the middle of her bosom.”
“Yes, Belvedere really liked that,” Serena smiled, “he was always asking what time it was.”
Welles looked at her and laughed, “You almost talk like you were there.”
Serena just smiled and said nothing.
“Funny that dream… or what I thought was a dream the day I was rehearsing for that evening’s War of The Worlds broadcast back on October 30th 1938, Belvedere the ghost white salamander told me that he thought it was a gypsy he didn’t pay for sleeping with him who turned him into a ghost white salamander,” Welles recalled.
“It wasn’t a gypsy,” Serena pulled a classic vintage antique railway watch on a chain up from her blouse, “it was a time traveler.”
“A time traveler?” Welles smiled at her, “so we have a movie that’s both a Western and Science-Fiction at the same time?”.
“That is correct,” Serena put the antique railway watch back down her blouse undoing some buttons at the top.
Welles had noticed this action.
“I say,” Welles said to her, “you wouldn’t happen to know what time it is would you?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 5th
2017.
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Cuckoo Cuckoo Clock
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Cuckoo Cuckoo Clock
The great South African artist SAREJESS was once again dreaming a dream.
He was dreaming he was in a Wild West bordello room above a Wild West saloon.
The date on the room’s calendar was marked August 15th 1885.
Outside the room through the window (for the drapes were not closed) was a neon sign that said The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon.
SAREJESS scratched his head and thought to himself, had neon lights even been invented yet back in the 1880s?
A lobster suddenly appeared on the floor of the room and started speaking to SAREJESS, “This sign was made from the earlier Geissler tubes and was arranged in a sign for this saloon by the saloon’s genius proprietress owner Miss Sherrielock Holmes who is the love of my life. Albeit an unrequited love since she is human (although an immortal human) and I but a mere lobster (albeit a lobster with psychic abilities).”
“A lobster with the power of speech?” SAREJESS was amazed.
“But only in my dreams or, in this case, in your dreams,” answered the lobster whose name was Michelangelo, “for in the real world outside dreams, my geneticist creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher did not give me the power to speak. Which is a shame. Otherwise every night, I’d crawl out of my salt water tank and use Dr. Rocher’s mobile phone to phone and text message Sherrielock Holmes and recite Shakespearean and Byronic love poems to her.”
“I’m sure she’d be impressed,” said SAREJESS.
“Indeed, she would,” Michelangelo nodded, “for she is a woman of impeccable good taste.”
The lobster then vanished with the next cry of the cuckoo clock.
Meanwhile in the bed in the room, the man in the bed (whose name was Belvedere) rolled over on top of the lovely blonde woman with nice knockers in the bed (her name was Serena).
“Oh my gosh,” Serena gasped, “here you come again.”
“Wasn’t that the name of a Dolly Parton song?” SAREJESS asked himself.
The cuckoo clock’s cuckoo then came out of the clock again.
This time the cuckoo bird had the face of Orson Welles as he appeared in the 1949 film The Third Man.
“You know,” a much older looking Orson Welles (the same age Welles was when he gave his last interview with Merv Griffin on October 10th 1985) dressed as an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh appeared to SAREJESS, “I always regretted during my long theatrical career that I never played the role of an ancient Egyptian.”
Then SAREJESS woke up.
The Paint Zombie (as his wife now called him due to his recent spate of nocturnal painting sprees) then rushed to his studio where he painted a picture of two cuckoo clocks. One had a cuckoo bird with the face of Orson Welles as the Third Man coming out of it and the other clock had a cuckoo bird with the face of Orson Welles as an Egyptian Pharaoh coming out of it.
As his wife remarked later, “You’ve definitely gone cuckoo, Tim.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 27th
2017.
Belvedere and The Enchantress
Belvedere and The Enchantress
It was a hot August night in 1885.
And Belvedere the bartender at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was the laughing stock of the entire town of Hayden Colorado.
Earlier in the evening, Belvedere had told a saloon bar patron that he was still a virgin.
“What?” The patron started laughing his head off, “You’re 45 years old and you’re still a virgin?”.
Word of Belvedere’s admission had spread around the town like wildfire.
When a fire ranger rode up from Denver to Hayden and was told there was no actual fire, he fell off his horse 🐴 laughing when told the real reason for the excitement in town.
Unfortunately for Belvedere, his employer Sherrielock Holmes the proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was away attending an opera in San Francisco on the West Coast.
Otherwise she’d have tomatoed many of the townspeople’s bottoms for making fun of her bartender.
Belvedere sat on the wooden sidewalk in front of the saloon blubbering away when a beautiful blonde woman walked by.
“What’s wrong, Belvedere?” The beautiful blonde asked.
“Do I know you?” Belvedere blinked at her.
“I’m Serena, one of the new girls that Miss Sherrielock hired last week,” the blonde sat beside him and raised her skirt showing very shapely legs.
“Oh yes, I heard Miss Holmes had hired some new girls,” Belvedere blew his nose into his tie and then took it off and put it into a box intending to give it as a Christmas gift to the man who had told the whole town that he was a virgin.
The lovely blonde reached into her low-cut blouse and pulled out a beautiful railway watch on a chain (that she kept between her cleavage).
“I see it’s 8 in the evening,” Serena cooed, “what do you intend to do the rest of the night?”.
“I have no idea,” Belvedere looked up at the night sky 🌌 and saw a shooting star 🌠.
“Did you make a wish, Belvedere?” She moved closer to him and put her arms around him.
“Um, yes I did,” said Belvedere.
“Well, why don’t you come up to my room then,” she whispered in his ear, “and then we can make your wish come true.”
Belvedere looked inside the water trough for the horses that was a few feet away.
The reflection in the water showed the pyramids of Egypt against the night sky.
Belvedere thought it was an opportune night to make his wish come true.
He walked up the saloon’s back stairs with Serena to her room.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 22nd
2017.
Belvedere Discovers His Enchantress
Belvedere the reporter for the Times of London had not always been the ghost of a Ghost White Salamander.
He was originally human but had been turned into a ghost white salamander back in August 1885 when he did not pay a working girl for services rendered in a room above a Wild West saloon.
The brothel girl cast a spell that turned him into a ghost white salamander.
He turned into the ghost of a ghost white salamander when an ox cart heading west ran over him as he crawled in a westernly direction.
Belvedere had heard through his sources that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had managed to take a coloured photograph with his lobster antennae of an assassination attempt made on Josef Stalin in his personal steam locomotive train back on June 22nd 1931.
Belvedere wondered if Michelangelo’s lobster antennae could photographically go back in time to August 15th 1885 the day that he was changed into a ghost white salamander.
And spot who was the enchantress who did this to him?
For Belvedere had forgotten what she looked like after he got run over by an ox cart.
Not of course that the Enchantress was probably still alive to turn him back.
But he’d like to know who she was.
Belvedere went down to the Set Enterprises lab and put in the request to Michelangelo.
Michelangelo’s lobster antennae started flashing red and blue lights as the photo started coming in.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher checked the screen of the computer hooked up to Michelangelo’s antennae as the photo appeared.
“That’s her,” said Belvedere, “that was the newly employed brothel girl at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon who turned me into a ghost white salamander when I didn’t pay her for sleeping with me.”
“What,” cried the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set as he entered the room, “that’s Serena my fiancee. You mean to say she time traveled back to the day August 15th 1885 and slept with you?”.
Belvedere decided it might not be a good idea to stay in the same room as an angry vampire so he vanished.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 24th
2017.
Dracul Van Helsing 