Boris Johnson, Greek God Ares, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

July 24, 2019 at 10:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Boris Johnson, Greek God Ares, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

It was the last Prime Minister’s Question Period in the British House of Commons for Theresa May in her role as Prime Minister of The United Kingdom prior to passing the Prime Ministerial baton to Boris Johnson.

The very last question to her was posed by Renfield R. Renfield the British Transhumanist MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

Renfield stood up and asked Mrs. May, “What is the speed velocity of a swallow?”.

To which Mrs. May responded, “Are you talking about the African swallow or the European swallow?”.

To which Renfield replied, “I don’t know.”

Soon Renfield found himself being carried by an invisible force through the air.

Unlike the poor sap medieval hermit in Monty Python and The Holy Grail who asked “Questions three” by the bridge to King Arthur’s knights, Renfield was not sent into a deep chasm in the earth for not knowing the answer but found himself transported upwards to the House of Commons Press Gallery where he ended up in the lap of BBC News Anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy.

. . .

Donald Trump was watching Mrs. May’s final Prime Minister’s Question Period on television in the Oval Office.

“Lexington,” Trump remarked to his British butler and valet, “is there really a difference in the speed velocity of swallows between Europeans and Africans and who has the greater speed velocity?”.

“Sir,” Lexington who knew Trump’s mind (or lack thereof!) inside and out answered, “I believe the swallows to which both Mr. Renfield and Mrs. May are referring are the variety of birds and not what you’re thinking about.”

“Oh,” Trump answered.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were carrying on a very similar conversation.

. . .

The Greek god Apollo was lying in a lounge chair in a garden not far from the Acropolis when Ares walked by looking a little downcast.

Apollo (who was Greek god of music) was listening to the songs of Nat King Cole on his iPhone headphones when Ares walked by.

Apollo took off his headphones.

“You look very depressed,” Apollo said looking somewhat concerned.

“It turns out Boris Johnson is naming Renfield R. Renfield to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering after all,” Ares wept crocodile tears (as he had put crocodile DNA rather than eye tear droplets in his eyes this morning), “this may ruin the best laid plans of Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war, Thor the Norse god of thunder and myself for planning a global war.”

Apollo put his iPhone headphones back on and went back to listening to Nat King Cole as Ares continued to weep crocodile tears.

. . .

The Norse goddess Freya was in her country estate in Norway listening to the radio when she heard the news that Renfield had been appointed to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering and his parliamentary colleague the Welsh vampiress Morgana had been named Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.

At that moment, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing showed up at the door with a bottle of wine.

“Mr. Van Helsing,” Freya said to him, “how would you like to step into my art studio and I’ll show you my etchings?”.


Norse Goddess Freya: Offers to show her etchings to Dracul Van Helsing

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 24th
2019,

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Embassy Row

July 8, 2019 at 9:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Embassy Row

ITV News Announcer: British Prime Minister Theresa May has vehemently criticized Russian President Vladimir Putin for believing in the “existence of only 2 genders”.
Mrs. May made the remarks as she was seen leaving a London sex club…

British MP Renfield R. Renfield turned off the TV when his friend Amadeus Emanon entered the room.

“I see Mrs. May is going out in style,” Amadeus commented.

“Indeed she is,” Renfield agreed.

“I see Donald Trump is unhappy with the current British Ambassador to the U.S.,” Amadeus bit into a hamburger.

“Yes, apparently leaked emails show that Sir Kim Darroch in his embassy cablegrams referred to the Trump Administration as “dysfunctional” and “inept” and by doing so inferred that the British Foreign Office was incapable of figuring that out for themselves. Although Sir Kim might have a point since most bureaucrats in the British Foreign Office are opposed to my becoming Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.”

“I see Trump in his Twitter tweets today,” Amadeus started working on his French fries, “immediately started criticizing Sir Kim saying that the man was not liked or well thought of in the U.S.”

“I don’t imagine Trump even knew who the British Ambassador was until the reports of those leaked cablegrams became public,” Renfield placed a bet at an Internet casino site on his smartphone.

“I see Donald Trump then attacked Theresa May in a series of tweets when she said that she had “full faith” in Sir Kim,” Amadeus started to eat his rice pudding.

“Yes, Trump definitely does not think much of Mrs. May’s judgement these days,” Renfield called a spade a spade.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Trump got the surprise of his life when he grabbed what he thought was the “pussy” of a “female” British journalist.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 8th
2019.

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Theresa May Announces Her Resignation On Queen Victoria’s 200th Birthday

May 24, 2019 at 8:43 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The date was May 24th 2019.

It was Queen Victoria’s 200th birthday.

And British Prime Minister Theresa May stood in front of 10 Downing Street in London and announced that she would be resigning as British Conservative Party leader effective June 7th 2019.

From then on, she would carry on as a caretaker Prime Minister until the British Conservative Party elected a new leader in July.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield met in a pub not far from the Westminster Parliament with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont to discuss the resignation.

“I didn’t think she’d announce her resignation until next month,” Amadeus commented as he worked on his 3rd plate of the pub’s steak and kidney pie.

“Neither did I,” Renfield sipped his pint of brown ale, “I’ve been told that the Prime Minister decided to resign after apparently looking at an oil painting of an 18th Century Irish pirate of the Caribbean that former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson had given her as a gift.”

“That must have been one Hell of a picture,” Angelique remarked.

“It must have been,” Renfield admitted.

“So, who do you think will replace her?” Amadeus asked as he ordered a 4th piece of steak and kidney pie.

“Well, the London bookmakers seemed to favour Boris Johnson,” Renfield ate his rice pudding, “and the fact that the pro-globalist and pro-New World Order The Economist Magazine came out against Boris Johnson as Prime Minister is another plus in his favour. For what’s bad for The Economist is good for Britain. And what’s bad for Britain is good for The Economist.”

“I’ve noticed that The Economist has never had anything positive to say about you,” Amadeus ordered himself another Shirley Temple children’s cocktail.

“Which is why I rest my case on the matter,” Renfield washed down the last of his brown ale.

Meanwhile at 10 Downing Street, the residence’s staff were putting up a painting of Captain Kerry Donegal in the main hall.

A temporary location until Mrs. May moved out of 10 Downing Street.

“It’s like staring into a mirror,” the ghost of the pirate Captain Kerry Donegal remarked as he looked at the painting.

“Good God!” Mrs. May exclaimed as she walked down the hall.

It turned out that unbeknownst to herself until now, the Prime Minister had the psychic ability to see ghosts of pirates.

Mrs. May went weak at the knees and fainted.

As she lay on the floor she dreamed of a Harlequin historical romance novel book cover in which she appeared held in the arms of a pirate with an open shirt and a muscular hairless chest.

“That’s the first time I’ve seen Mrs. May look happy all day,” 10 Downing Street’s head butler remarked.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 24th
2019.

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Dashwood Forrest Meets Captain Kerry Donegal

May 22, 2019 at 9:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Dashwood Forrest was in his art gallery putting the finishing touches in hanging paintings for a new exhibition that would soon be opening.

“A remarkable likeness,” said the ghost of Captain Kerry Donegal who had just walked in off the street.

Forrest, who was somewhat psychically sensitive, turned to gaze at the speaker and noticed how much he resembled the figure in the painting.

“Captain Jack Sparrow!” Forrest gasped.

“Actually the name is Captain Kerry Donegal!” The pirate bowed, “But a few other people with the ability to see me around London have called me by that name.”

Former British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson entered the gallery at that moment.

“Hello, Dashwood,” Johnson walked right through Kerry Donegal’s ghost since he couldn’t see him, “my sources tell me that you have a painting of Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow for sale.”

“I’ve just been told by an expert that it’s Captain Kerry Donegal,” Forrest mentioned.

“Well, whoever,” Johnson looked at the painting, “I’ve just been told on the highest authority that British Prime Minister Theresa May goes into orgasm whenever she sees a handsome looking pirate. No wonder the boys in Brussels were able to sweep her off her feet and get a Brexit deal to their liking and not to Britain’s. Although I’ve been told by an old school chum of mine that the boys in Brussels aren’t all that handsome. I wonder why he’d take note of that. Fills one with trepidation when I recall we shared a locker together in the school gymnasium’s shower and changing room.”

“You want to buy this painting for Theresa May?” The flower dropped out of Dashwood Forrest’s lapel.

“Yes,” Johnson nodded, “as a good-bye present. The old girl is undoubtedly on her way out. She’ll undoubtedly fail in her 4th attempt to get a Brexit deal passed through Parliament. Hell, even Renfield R. Renfield’s British Transhumanist Party is now ahead of the British Conservatives in the opinion polls for the upcoming European Parliament elections. I’m not sure how much more humiliation she can take. So she’ll probably resign soon. I’m sure this painting of a pirate captain will lift her spirits as she exits 10 Downing Street while I’m on my way in.”

“Hasn’t this fellow ever heard that expression, Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched?” Captain Kerry Donegal asked in a thick Irish brogue.

“Did you feel a breeze just then?” Johnson looked around.

“Come to the office and I’ll write you up a Bill of Sale,” said Forrest.

“I’m sure it was this question of the Irish backdoor that did her in on Brexit,” Johnson remarked.

“Don’t you mean the Irish backstop?” Forrest asked.

“Oh yes, of course,” Johnson nodded, “why did I have Irish backdoor on my mind?” .

He once again walked through Captain Kerry Donegal’s ghost as the pirate was bending over to pick up his sword.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 22nd
2019.

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Stone Altar To Jerusalem 3rd Temple Dedicated

December 10, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


A Russian girl picks apples from the Russian Apple Tree of Death in Sevastopol, Crimea

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was in San Francisco California along with the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh (the immortal granddaughter of the late Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh and an intelligence operative for the Chinese Intelligence Service) in order to deliver deadly lethal poisoned apples (grown on the Russian Apple Tree of Death in Sevastopol Crimea) to Apple CEO Tim Cook in California’s Silicone Valley (not to be confused with the space between a California female porn star’s breasts) as vengeance for the U.S. government ordering the arrest of Huawei executive and Chief Financial Officer Meng Wanzhu in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

Already several U.S. and Canadian government officials had died under mysterious circumstances since the arrest of Meng Wanzhu in the escalating trade and technology war between the U.S. and China.

Quite possibly the last of Chief Papaschase’s prophecies of three world wars were coming to pass.

Chief Papaschase was a Cree First Nations Chief who lived in both the Lesser Slave Lake and Edmonton areas of northern Alberta, Canada.

In the Edmonton Bulletin newspaper in 1906, Chief Papaschase told the editor of a vision he had of three world wars that had been given him by the Great Spirit.

The first World War would see Britian, France, Italy, Russia and the U.S. fighting against Germany, the Austro-Hungarian Empire and the Ottoman Empire.

The Second World War would see Britain, France, Russia, the U.S. and China fighting against Germany, Italy and Japan.

Back in the 1990s, George Milner a member of the City of Edmonton History and Archives Board was given the task of presenting Chief Papaschase’s descendants with a City of Edmonton recognition award for his contributions to the development of the City of Edmonton.

The award would be presented by Mr. Milner to Papaschase’s descendants at the City of Edmonton History and Archives Board’s Annual Historical Recognition Awards Dinner.

The Gladieu (also spelled Gladue) family of northern Alberta and northern Saskatchewan (who were all descended from the great Chief Papaschase) had numerous representatives on hand at the dinner to receive the award on behalf of their ancestor.

While researching the life of Chief Papaschase for the speech he was to give, Mr. Milner was startled to discover in a copy of the Edmonton Bulletin newspaper from 1906 a description of the vision of three world wars that Chief Papaschase gave to Edmonton Bulletin editor Frank Oliver of a revelation he said he had received from the Great Spirit.

Mr. Milner was stunned by the sheer accuracy of the prophecies of the two world wars.

Unlike Nostradamus (or as a former DARPA employee called the writer of confused and confusing quatrains Nostril Dumb Ass), Chief Papaschase named names and didn’t equivocate.

Mr. Milner alluded to the prophecies in his dinner speech very briefly as he didn’t want the sensation of the vision to obscure Chief Papaschase’s other achievements in northern Alberta history.

As for the vision of the Third World War, Mr. Milner told the vision to his son.

The Third World War, Chief Papaschase noted would begin initially as a war of trade, technology and industrial espionage with China and Russia on one side vs. the U.S., Western Europe and Japan on the other.

Then admist a backdrop of tensions in the Crimean Peninsula on the Black Sea and religious and political tensions in the Middle East, the trade and technology war between the U.S. and China would suddenly erupt into open hostility and military conflict and warfare as a result of an incident that happened on Canada’s West Coast.

Papaschase did not say what that incident would be.

However with the recent arrest of Huawei Chief Financial Officer Meng Wanzhu in Vancouver, British Columbia while conflict in the Crimean Peninsula region of the Black Sea and religious and poltical tensions in the Middle East were reaching a crescendo it suddenly hit George Milner’s son that this may have been the scenario that Chief Papaschase saw prior to the outbreak of the military aspect of World War III.

Which may also explain why George Milner’s son has had such immense problems with demonically possessed roommates the past year and an inoperative iPhone and a gradually failing Samsung Galaxy tablet the past couple of months (as well as Fascism, Communism and all around totalitarianism on the part of the Calgary Public Library system) as he is probably one of the few human beings on Earth aware of the prophecies made by Chief Papaschase back in 1906.

As Renfield and Ho set out to poison Apple’s Cook with poisoned apples picked from the Russian Apple Tree of Death in Sevastopol Crimea (a tree genetically developed by Dr. Nicht Werhoffen the chief scientist of the Russian FSB who used to be the chief scientist for the East German Stasi back in the days when Communist East Germany existed as a country), British Prime Minister Theresa May stood in the Westminster House of Commons and announced that she was cancelling tomorrow’s Commons vote on her Brexit deal.

Ostensibly because she was going to lose the vote.

But also because Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was anxious to find out what Renfield’s position on the deal was and Renfield was out of the country trying to save Canada’s national political sovereignty from the Trump Administration of the U.S.

Meanwhile in Jerusalem Israel, the Mossad agent they called the Controller of the Golem stood on the Temple Mount watching kohanim (priestly members) of Israel’s nascent Sanhedrin dedicate a stone altar to the Third Temple in Jersualem on the Temple Mount.

They were doing it today December 10th (which is the last day of Hannukah this year).

Meanwhile the ghost of Thomas Merton (the famous 20th Century American Trappist monk, writer, poet and mystic who had died 50 years ago today as a result of accidental electrocution by a Hitachi floor fan in his Bangkok Thailand retreat center room where he was attending an ecumenical monastic conference and dialogue between Catholic and Buddhist monks although Episcopalian (and former Dominican priest) Matthew Fox made the claim in 2016 that Merton was actually assassinated by the American CIA) had been granted temporary dispensational leave from Purgatory and Paradise by Hades the god of the Underworld (since Pope Francis was currently out to lunch as he had been since the start of his pontificate) to attend the dedication ceremony.

As Merton stood there, he was shocked to see the demons Baphomet and Beelzebub standing to the left of the Third Temple stone altar dedication ceremony.

What, Merton wondered, were they doing there?

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 10th
2018.

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Renfield: Taking Care of Business In Every Way

November 23, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had received a phone call from Dr. Cadbury Rocher at Set Enterprises.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had picked up a TV news broadcast from the future on his lobster antennae and Michelangelo had typed with his lobster claws on the keyboard of his waterproof laptop that the vision was meant for Renfield’s eyes only.

So Renfield caught a trolley bus that drove quite close to the Set Enterprises laboratory and rug emporium (The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had recently gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita and sold Persian rugs together- putting Set on Donald Trump’s business black list).

The trolley bus headed down a single lane one way street that was meant for trolley buses only.

There was a vehicle trap at the front of the street that trapped any vehicle other than trolley buses from going down that street.

However there were plenty of flashing red lights and traffic signs that warned other vehicles of the vehicle trap ahead.

However there was always the occasional idiot who totally ignored all the flashing lights and traffic signs and wound up with their vehicle caught in the trap preventing the bus from getting through.

This was one of those days.

“I can’t believe that bitch did that!” The bus driver shouted.

Other people on the bus now complained about being late for important appointments thanks to the inherent stupidity of the said bitch.

Renfield seethed as he got off the bus.

There was only one thing to do about such stupid people.

And that was to eliminate them from the face of the earth.

The airheaded bitch was on her mobile calling for a tow truck to pull her vehicle out of the trap.

It was rather unfortunate for the said airhead that she wasn’t very good looking.

Otherwise Renfield might have shown some pity.

As it was, Renfield reached into his raincoat pocket, pulled out his gun and fired 7 bullets point blank at her.

The woman immediately fell to the ground quite dead as the operator on the other end of the line asked her for her Auto Club Membership #.

But the woman had expired before her membership did.

Renfield being a member of MI-5, MI-6, British Home Office and Her Majesty’s Secret Service had a licence to kill like James Bond 007 (in fact his secret agent code number was 0069).

Renfield received a standing ovation and thunderous applause from the other passengers on the bus for his actions.

Renfield looked at his watch and decided he’d better walk from here to Set Enterprises.

As Renfield walked down the street, he sang his own paraphrased version of an early 1980s Air Supply Song,

There’s one less stupid person in the world
And it’s gonna be fine
Out of all the stupid people in the world
You’re now dead and gone
In my life where everything was wrong
Something finally went right
Now there’s one less stupid person in the world tonight…

“It’s too bad Donald Trump hadn’t been the one to have driven that vehicle into the trap,” the trolley bus driver remarked.

“Too bad indeed,” British Prime Minister Theresa May agreed.

Mrs. May vowed never to take public transit again.

She was now going to be at least half an hour late for an important meeting to save her Brexit deal.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 23rd
2018.

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Westminster MPs’ Stand-Up Comedy Night For Charity

September 24, 2017 at 7:33 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Westminster MPs’ Stand-Up Comedy Night For Charity

A group of MPs from the Westminster Parliament in London were holding a dinner and a stand-up comedy night to raise money for charity.

Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont decided to attend the dinner.

The dinner was good but then it came time for some of the MPs to perform.

The first one up was British Prime Minister Theresa May.

Said Mrs. May, “I hear there are some here in the Conservative caucus who want to replace me as party leader and as Prime Minister. Since my last name is May, it makes me glad that there’s no one named June in the Tory caucus.”

Mrs. May’s joke fell flatter than a Hollywood starlet’s pre-silicone injection brassiere.

The next up was British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

His routine of “Well, you can call me Johnson or you can call me BJ…” didn’t go over so well either.

Third and last was Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield.

Renfield began,

“Have you ever wondered what would happen if two immature kids fighting in a playground had access to nuclear weapons?

Well with Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un, we’re about to find out…”

Amadeus winced.

Renfield’s observation was a little too close to the truth to laugh at.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 24th
2017.

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Michelangelo Foresees Pope Francis At Regensburg

April 19, 2017 at 4:38 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Dr. Cadbury Rocher and Amadeus Emanon were in the Set Enterprises laboratory with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

They had received a phone call from Renfield R. Renfield who had cut short his plans to overthrow the government of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in Caracas and was returning to Britain to run as a British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party Candidate (the party he had founded and was then deposed as leader by the Welsh Vampiress Morgana after the last British general election).

British Prime Minister Theresa May’s surprise election call for an early election yesterday from the steps of 10 Downing Street had prompted Renfield’s decision to return home.

Since he had only received 1 vote in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where he and his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lived in a colossal London mansion) in the last British general election, Renfield R. Renfield had decided this time to run as a Transhumanist candidate against incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie in his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

Renfield made the decision after he had found a picture of MP Agathor Christie on the Net yesterday showing him in a grocery store accompanying Renfield’s own personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/17/much-ado-about-the-orient-express/ )

Renfield was so angry when he saw the photo, he resolved then and there to run against Agathor Christie and beat the pants off of him (although dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was already doing an excellent job of that herself).

Meanwhile Dr. Rocher and Amadeus were overlooking the list of revelations that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been receiving the past few hours.

The revelations were being correlated and indexed and catalogued by a computer that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had invented specifically for this purpose – of anaylzing Michelangelo’s thought processes and psychic flashes and insights and foresights.

Dr. Rocher had given the computer the name The Artist Known As Raphael Who Existed Before The Pre-Raphaelites.

Although he called the computer Raph for short.

Dr. Rocher noticed that Michelangelo had picked up a TV News Broadcast from the future about Pope Francis giving an address at Regensburg University.

“That’s interesting,” Dr. Rocher paused at that revelation, “it was an address that Pope Benedict XVI gave at Regensburg back in 2006 that landed that Pope in trouble. In it, he quoted what a medieval Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus had once said about Islam (which wasn’t very complimentary) and this led to rioting and anti-Pope Benedict protests across the Islamic world.”

“I wonder who’ll Pope Francis will quote at the start of his speech,” Amadeus ate a cookie.

“Let’s click on Pope Francis’ Address To Regensburg: A News Broadcast From The Future and find out,” said Dr. Rocher who did just that.

The TV broadcast transmission from the future showed Pope Francis standing at the podium in a Regensburg University auditorium.

The Pope began,

“My predecessor began his address here by quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor. I’m not going to do that…”

Laughter in the hall.

He continued,

“Instead, I’m going to….”

The Pope paused.

He looked down the far end of the table where he had been sitting earlier and noticed some milk and cookies at the end there that he had not been offered,

“I’m going to quote the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street…Me want cookie! Me want cookie!”.

Laughter in the hall.

“No,” Francis got angry, “I really want a cookie. I wasn’t offered milk and cookies when I sat here As Winston Churchill said when he was about to give a speech in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at the height of Prohibition in that province and therefore wasn’t offered a brandy before speaking, “No brandy, no speech.” So verily, verily I say unto you, “No milk and cookies. No speech.”

There was a wild scramble to get Pope Francis milk and cookies.

Announcer: So just as Pope Benedict’s quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor at Regensburg led to riots and protests across the Islamic world, so Pope Francis at Regensburg quoting Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster asking for milk and cookies has led to riots and protests across Greece. Apparently there was also feta cheese down at the end of the table from where Pope Francis was sitting and the Pontiff never asked for feta cheese. Just milk and cookies. This has led to anti-Francis protests throughout Greece…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 19th
2017.

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Renfield and The Brangelina Break- Up

October 7, 2016 at 2:58 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and The Brangelina Break-Up

Renfield R. Renfield had been called to 10 Downing Street for an emergency meeting with British Prime Minister Theresa May.

“What do you wish to see me about, Mrs. May?” Renfield declined an offer from the Prime Minister to be seated (having recently been kidnapped by members of Sherrielock Holmes’ Dominatrix Services).

“Have you heard of the Robur The Conquerer files?” Mrs. May asked the genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human.

“I have,” Renfield nodded.

In fact, many nights earlier, Renfield had been in possession of the Robur The Conquerer files prior to his abduction.

Now the Robur the Conquerer files were being published in The Times of London in a series of articles written by George Belvedere Duhamel who wrote a column bearing the nom-de-plume The Ghost White Salamander.

“It has come to the attention of Her Majesty’s Government that the Robur files bring little known insight into the recent marital break up of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,” Mrs. May looked quite solemn.

Renfield was astounded by the Prime Minister’s remark.

He thought to himself such was the world’s fixation with celebrity gossip and scandals in the early 21st Century that even would-be world conquerers (such as Robur) and sovereign national governments (such as that of Great Britain) were now preoccupied with celebrity break-ups.

“Really?” Renfield coughed.

“Yes, apparently one of them is a spy for the Russians and the other one isn’t,” Mrs. May explained, “this has resulted in a marital breakdown and a huge financial windfall for some lucky divorce lawyers.”

“Which one is the spy for the Russians and which one isn’t?” Renfield asked.

“The Robur files do not elaborate,” Mrs. May answered, “that’s what we want you to find out for us.”

“Okay,” Renfield agreed.

Later at home in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield began the search to discover which one of the power couple- the Brangelina- was the Russian spy.

He began his investigation by putting in a phone call to the editor of The National Enquirer newspaper.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 26th
2016.

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Ghost and Rider

September 12, 2016 at 4:03 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Ghost and Rider

Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander who wasn’t being paid enough as a magician’s assistant to Salaman the Magician now worked as a reporter for The Times of London.

He had recently returned from Moscow where he had had a successful interview with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

The shocking revelations of that interview had caused British Prime Minister Theresa May to accidently put cayenne pepper instead of brown sugar on her porridge for breakfast that morning at 10 Downing Street.

Her subsequent screams were even more shrill than when Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took his shirt off upon meeting her a few days before and asked her if she wanted to pose for a selfie with him.

Now Belvedere had just read an article in The New York Times about a mysterious multi-billionaire who called himself Robur The Conquerer (after the Jules Verne character) who was plotting to fulfill a prophecy that American Scottish Rite Freemason Albert Pike was alleged to have made in a letter dated August 15th 1871 to Italian revolutionary leader Giuseppe Mazzini.

The letter allegedly prophesied 3 world wars and during the third and final war, Pike was alleged to have told Mazzini that the Zionist State of Israel and the Islamic states of the Middle East would destroy one another.

Of course many doubts had been expressed about the authenticity of the letter that Pike had supposedly written to Mazzini.

But whether the Pike-Mazzini letter was genuine or not, this mysterious Robur The Conquerer was hoping to make the prophecy of the Third World War described in the letter (whether genuine or forgery) come true.

“Such a madman must be stopped.”

Those were the final words that New York Times reporter Colin Halloway had written in his article before keeling over after eating a hot fudge sundae that had been heavily laced with polonium-210 an extremely lethal radioactive poison.

The milkshake bar and diner where Halloway had eaten the hot fudge sundae was now under investigation by the City of New York Food and Health Safety Department for possible unauthorized use of radioactive products in the kitchen.

Belvedere was wondering where he could get possible information about the mysterious Robur The Conquerer.

Suddenly the phone rang.

Belvedere had learned how to pick up earthly material based phones with his ghostly ghost white salamander arms after quite a lengthy number of attempts and failures before eventual success (For more information on the origins of Belvedere The Ghost White Salamander please read

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/05/31/the-ghost-white-salamander/

)

So the Ghost White Salamander with great agility picked up the phone.

“Hello?” Belvedere spoke into the receiver.

“This is a friend,” said a voice on the other end.

“That’s nice to know,” Belvedere threw a package outside his office window that had written on it From An Enemy.

The package exploded when it hit the street below.

“I work as a parking lot attendant,” said the voice.

“Really? How much do you make?” asked Belvedere.

“Not much,” answered the voice, “my boss takes a large take even though he’s a millionaire. He owns several parking lots and apartment buildings all across the City of London.”

“How much does he charge for rent?” Belvedere asked.

The place the Ghost White Salamander was currently haunting was a bit too run down for his liking.

“I have no idea,” the voice answered, “but a friend of mine was going to rent a place of his until he discovered the sole window in the apartment was only six inches by six inches and looked out over a darkened alley.”

“That’s terrible,” Belvedere stated as he tried to eat a ghostly ectoplasm hot fudge sundae.

“It is,” agreed the voice, “what I’m calling about is either my boss is the mysterious Robur The Conquerer or he knows the mysterious Robur The Conquerer.”

Suddenly a loud crash could be heard from the other end of the phone.

“What was that?” A concerned Belvedere asked.

“My boss’ truck just crashed into one of the cars parked in the parking lot,” answered the voice.

“I can’t believe it,” another and a lot angrier voice could be heard in the background, “some idiot just phoned me on my cell phone and asked me what my postal code was.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 10th
2016.

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