Five Fingers of Death: The Black Hand and Writing On The Wall

November 25, 2015 at 9:07 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Five Fingers of Death: The Black Hand and Writing On The Wall

“The moving finger writes and having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
Nor all thy tears wash out a Word of it.”

-The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

. . .

The Turkish diplomat walked the streets of Moscow.

He wrapped his scarf around his face as much to hide himself as to keep out the Russian cold.

It had been a hectic couple of days ever since Turkey had shot down a Russian plane.

The diplomat was struggling to ensure that the incident didn’t lead to the outbreak of war.

He stood looking at the view of the Kremlin from his vantage point.

The diplomat suddenly felt a tapping on his shoe.

He looked down and saw a severed charcoal burnt Black Hand.

The Black Hand crawled up his pants and then up his jacket and then proceeded to strangle him with his scarf.

The diplomat fell to the ground quite dead.

The Black Hand then grabbed a Samsung Galaxy 6 Smart Phone from a shocked tourist (who ran away after the phone was grabbed not wanting to argue with a moving severed hand) and took a photo of the dead Turkish diplomat on the ground with the walls of the Kremlin as a backdrop.

It then posted the photo on Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s Facebook page with the inscription written in both Turkish and Russian, “Go fuck yourself, you syphilis infested running dog of Turkey.”

And then signed it,
“Yours respectfully,
Vladimir Putin.”

The Black Hand then pulled down the Turkish diplomat’s pants and undershorts.

The hand then interrupted a mugging on a nearby Moscow street corner to grab the mugger’s large butcher knife.

Both would-be mugger and would-be victim fled at the sight of the severed charcoal burnt Black Hand carrying the knife down the street.

The Black Hand then returned to the slain Turkish diplomat and cut off his penis.

It then stuck the penis in the Turkish diplomat’s mouth and once again took another photo with the Samsung Galaxy 6 Smart Phone.

It then posted the photo to Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s Twitter account with the message, “Chew on this for awhile you mongrelized motherfucker” adding the hash tag
#CaitlynJennerWannabe.

The hand then grabbed the penis and crawled into a nearby Moscow post office.

It helped itself to some postage stamps, an envelope and some string.

It put the diplomat’s penis in the envelope, grabbed some glue, sealed the envelope, attached the appropriate postage and then grabbed a pen and addressed the envelope to

Recep Tayyip Erdogan
Chief Eunuch
Turkish Presidential Palace
Ankara, Turkey

And then wrote a notation on the back of the envelope in Turkish:

Attention Erdogan:
Now you have one.

It then dropped the appropriately addressed and proper postage stamped envelope into a nearby mail box.

All in all a good day’s work for the severed charcoal burnt Black Hand who had been causing trouble throughout the world ever since the Battle of Kosovo in 1389.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 25th
2015.

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Renfield and Recep: A Tale of Two Assholes

November 1, 2015 at 9:07 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield and Recep: A Tale of Two Assholes

To Renfield R. Renfield, Sherrielock Holmes would always be THE woman, Renfield thought to himself as he rubbed his buttocks.

He had spent Halloween in Sleepy Hollow, U.S.A.

On the plane ride back home to London, he had sung the Sir Elton John song I’m Still Standing.

And had literally done just what the title says on the entire flight home.

In the living room, Amadeus was watching the news on television.

U.S. Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter was answering questions from members of the media on the TV screen.

“Mr. Secretary,” said one reporter, “given recent happenings in both Iraq and Syria, is the President breaking his promise about not having boots on the ground in those countries?.”

“The President is not breaking his promise,” Carter reiterated, “the Army has a huge appropriations order for ballet slippers under Presidential directive.”

. . .

The MI-6 Operative called Diablos Nocturna was writing an analysis for himself on the results of today’s Parliamentary elections in Turkey.

He wrote, “Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan took another step closer to creating a new Ottoman Empire with himself as Sultan.

His so-called Justice and Development Party (AKP) won a majority of seats in today’s Turkish parliamentary elections.

Blowing away his opponents in two separate bombings since last June’s election and blaming it on ISIS seems to have helped him considerably.

He doesn’t have enough seats in Parliament to enact changes to the Turkish Constitution yet but no doubt a few more well-placed and well-timed bombings will help him overcome those obstacles as well.”

-Diablos Nocturna

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 1st
2015.

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Lilith Meets Erdogan: Neo-Sultanism Arises

October 13, 2015 at 7:15 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Lilith Meets Erdogan: Neo-Sultanism Arises

Renfield R. Renfield was down at the Set Enterprises lab trying out a new experiment with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Renfield had recently written a movie script about a secret U. S. Army experiment whereby the Pentagon tried to get soldiers to develop their psychic powers by looking at pictures of Playboy bunnies (Renfield intended his movie to be a sequel to the 2009 film The Men Who Stare At Goats. He called his movie The Men Who Stare At Playboy Bunnies).

For more on the background of Renfield’s script, please read here:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/10/09/the-men-who-stare-at-playboy-bunnies/

The U.S. Army experiment proved unsuccessful.

But Renfield thought he would try his idea with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Michelangelo had the ability to enter people’s dreams and see what they were dreaming.

He also had the ability to occasionally pick up radio transmissions from the future.

But so far Michelangelo had failed at the psychic technique of remote viewing.

He did not seem to have the ability to visualize and see what was happening in the present at another location.

Renfield thought that if he showed Michelangelo pictures of Playboy bunnies, this might help his visualization and remote viewing techniques.

Renfield had Michelangelo’s lobster antennae hooked up to the computer so what Michelangelo was receiving or seeing would show up on the computer screen.

Renfield then showed the lobster various pictures of Playboy bunnies.

The computer seemed to shake but no images of remote locations appeared on the screen.

Then Renfield showed the crustacean a nude drawing of Sherlock Holmes’ very beautiful and virtually unknown and forgotten twin sister Sherrielock Holmes.

The power almost went out in the whole facility.

Then an image appeared on the computer screen.

Renfield recognized the locale as one of the rooms in the new Turkish Presidential Palace in Ankara.

He recognized the two people talking in the room.

On the left from the screen’s perspective was the megalomaniacal President of Turkey Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

On the right was the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who was wearing a Byzantine gold coloured evening dress.

Renfield turned up the volume on the computer.

President Erdogan: I still can’t believe that the U.S. hasn’t figured out that I’m the one behind the creation of ISIS or ISIL or IS – whatever the initials of the day are that the brainless western media use for this group.

Lilith: American intelligence takes its cue from its Sleepwalker-In-chief.

Erdogan: Even though I’ve stated publicly on several occasions that I want to restore the Ottoman Empire with myself as Sultan of course…the U.S. still looks upon me as a trustworthy NATO ally.

Lilith: Well Iran’s Supreme Leader the Ayatollah Ali Khameini has consistently said that’s he going to destroy both the U.S. and Israel but Barack Obama signed a peace deal with Iran anyways.

Nimrod The Talking Frog (emerging from between the cleavage of the low-cut top of Lilith’s dress) : That reminds me of a line I heard from a rerun of Seinfeld where Jerry says to George, “I don’t think vomiting is a deal breaker. I’m sure if Hitler had vomited all over Chamberlain, Chamberlain would still have given him Czechoslovakia.”

Erdogan (to Lilith): Your little friend seems to appear out of nowhere in the most unusual places.

Lilith: I know. He gave my last gynecologist a major heart attack on one occasion.

Needless to say, Renfield found this whole conversation very interesting while Michelangelo the red lobster grew redder with each passing second.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 13th
2015.

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Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

April 13, 2015 at 5:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield were listening to the World News Report on the radio.

“And this news just in,” said the announcer, “emergency crews were called to the new Presidential Palace in Ankara Turkey after Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan got his zipper stuck while taking a leak in one of the 500 gold-plated bathrooms in the Palace.
The incident, reminiscent of that famous scene with Ben Stiller in the 1998 film There’s Something About Mary that also starred Cameron Diaz, occurred when President Erdogan heard on the radio that Pope Francis had described the Ottoman Empire’s mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians 100 years ago as a “genocide”.
Francis made the declaration in a ceremony at the Vatican yesterday.
The announcement apparently did not go well with the Turkish President’s attempt to relieve himself…”

. . .

At an all-candidates’ forum in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge, the topic was Foreign Affairs,

Someone brought up the matter of the recent Zippergate Affair involving Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

“Well,” said the Welsh Vampiress Morgana representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party, “if I had been there, I’d have kicked Mr. Erdogan in the balls.”

“That would be great if Recep Tayyip Erdogan had any balls,” interjected Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley, “if Mr. Erdogan wasn’t such an inherent sniveling coward (to say nothing of being a petty despotic tyrant and an impotent bedwetter with a small penis), he’d acknowledge his country’s despicable role in perpetrating this crime against the Armenian people and this crime against humanity.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 13th
2015.

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A Frog In The Presidential Palace

March 11, 2015 at 5:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

A Frog In The Presidential Palace

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan was walking through the 1,150 rooms of the new Turkish Presidential Palace in Ankara.

As he was walking through the rooms, he was daydreaming in his mind of a referendum in which the populace of Turkey unanimously voted to have him declared Sultan of Turkey.

Today Sultan of Turkey, tomorrow Caliph of the entire world.

Erdogan entered the conservatory which contained luscious plants and artificial waterfalls.

He suddenly noticed a little green frog sitting on one of the plants near the waterfalls.

The frog croaked, “Ribbit, ribbit.”

Erdogan hurriedly left the conservatory and went to one of the Presidential Palace guards.

Said Erdogan to the guard, “There’s a little green frog in that room and he croaked ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ to me. Check him out.”

The guard went into the room and noticed a little green frog sitting on a lily pad near one of the waterfalls.

The frog opened his mouth and said, “I am Nimrod.”

The guard went out into the hall and addressed Erdogan.

“I saw the frog,” said the guard, “but he didn’t say ‘Ribbit, ribbit’, he said, ‘I am Nimrod’.”

“Nonsense you idiot,” Erdogan foamed, “Frogs don’t have the power of speech. Have you been drinking on the job? Although as a good Muslim, you shouldn’t be drinking off the job either.”

Erdogan went into the room and approached the frog.

“Well say, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’,” ordered Erdogan.

The frog opened his mouth and said, “Rabbit, rabbit.”

Erdogan left the room in a huff and went up to the guard.

“Did he say ‘Ribbit, ribbit’?” The guard asked.

“No, he said, ‘Rabbit, rabbit’,” Erdogan replied white as a ghost.

A little white bunny rabbit hopped out of the conservatory room behind Erdogan and then proceeded to hop through the rest of the 1,150 rooms of the Turkish Presidential Palace.

The little green frog followed.

To be continued.

– A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday, March 11th
2015.

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The Tamurlane File

April 28, 2014 at 6:21 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Tamurlane File

The high-ranking Mossad official who was known only as the Controller of the Golem was reading through his files.

Now that Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan had announced that he was increasing the power of the Turkish Secret Service giving it greater powers of surveillance and extending immunity for its agents, the Controller of the Golem decided to read all the information Mossad had about a certain individual within the Turkish Secret Service who was known only by the code name Tamurlane.

The Controller of the Golem had concerns about this Tamurlane.

He was convinced the man was anti-Semitic and anti-Israel.

Coincidentally just as he was reading through the Tamurlane File, he was handed a new document that had been sent to Mossad by an Israeli agent in the field who was reporting from Pergamon Turkey.

The Mossad agent in Pergamon had apparently uncovered the true identity of Tamurlane.

Excitedly the Controller of the Golem grabbed the newly arrived document and read the name.

Tamurlane was one Imam Mehmet Moustapha the imam of a mosque in Istanbul.

As the Controller of the Golem read details about Imam Mehmet Moustapha, he felt literally quite sick to his stomach.

-To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 28th
2014.

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Renfield and Amadeus In Rome

March 27, 2014 at 7:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus In Rome

“So what are we doing in Rome?” Amadeus asked Renfield as he bought a plate of spaghetti and meatballs from a Roman street spaghetti vendor.

“Thought I’d do a little catch up on my hobby of blackmail and extortion,” Renfield replied, “I find my other hobby of stamp collecting starts to get boring after a while. Plus licking the back of all those stamps starts to leave a nasty stain on the tongue.”

“Who are you trying to blackmail in Rome?” Amadeus asked as he spilled spaghetti all over his tuxedo.

“I hear there are some U. S. Secret Service agents who remained behind in one of the rooms of the Vatican after today’s meeting between President Obama and Pope Francis,” Renfield smiled and helped himself to a meatball off Amadeus’ bow tie, “so I thought I’d see what they were up to.”

“Didn’t 3 agents get sent home for drunken behavior in Amsterdam a few days ago?” Amadeus asked as he decided to open a pack of chop sticks to eat his spaghetti instead of using his hands.

“They did,” Renfield looked at the video of the non-blackmail paying Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan eating a barbeque pulled pork sandwich he was about to upload to YouTube oblivious to the fact that Turkey had just blocked its citizens’ access to YouTube, “and back in April 2012 twelve U.S. secret service agents were found guilty of gross misconduct for cavorting with prostitutes ahead of a summit in Cartagena Colombia that President Obama was attending.”

“I wonder how you get to be a U.S. Secret Service agent,” Amadeus mused out loud.

“They’re in this room here according to Google Maps and the G.P.S. signal I’m receiving,” Renfield burst through the door and started flashing pics with his iPhone.

“Oh shit,” the Secret Service agent cried out who was undergoing an enema treatment from an Italian courtesan dressed in a Renaissance evening gown.

In this orgy of U.S. Secret Servants and Italian courtesans were to be found the Greek Vampiress Aphrodite dancing in the nude and a bald-headed and extremely obese dwarf (who was none other than the Greek Vampire Dionysus) pouring wine.

“God, I’ve captured in seconds what would have probably taken Michelangelo years to paint,” Renfield cackled above the moans and groans of secret service agent and courtesan alike.

“I suppose you’re referring to Michelangelo the Renaissance sculptor and painter and not the Boss’ genetically created psychic lobster,” Amadeus helped himself to some of Aphrodite’s oysters.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 27th
2014.

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Peter Whitstable On The Temple Mount

March 23, 2014 at 7:21 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Peter Whitstable On The Temple Mount

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol stood on the Temple Mount.

He was looking for signs of a panther that had been seen on the Temple Mount.

Peter Whitstable believed the panther was Konalu a creature that was created by being astral projected from the mind of Fenrir the Battle of Ragnarok apocalyptic wolf from Norse mythology.

He decided it would be a good thing to get out of the office at Interpol’s International Headquarters in Lyon, France because it looked like it would only be a matter of time before his co-workers called the men in the white suits bearing straight jackets and emerging from their paddy wagons.

While in Israel, he had asked to see the man at Mossad they called the Controller of the Golem.

His request for an appointment was turned down.

As he stood on the Temple Mount, he recognized the demon Asmodeus standing on the same mount yawning and smoking a large extra-King sized cigarette.

Peter Whitstable sometimes wished that he had taken up drinking or sniffing glue.

Then he’d have an excuse for seeing what he sometimes saw.

This was one of those moments.

. . .

Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan was in his bedroom.

He looked up and noticed a black panther approaching him.

Unsure of what to do, Erdogan held out his hand and started purring, “Nice kitty. Nice kitty.”

He hoped that the panther wasn’t Syrian and wasn’t a pro-Bashar Assad sympathizer seeing as how Turkey had just shot down a Syrian military plane.

He hoped that the panther wasn’t an avid Twitter user either- one who was pissed at not being able to access his Twitter account in Turkey.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin told the Commander of Russian Forces who were amassing on the border with Ukraine to wait for his instructions on whether or not to go ahead and invade all Ukraine.

He would leave the speaker phone on in his office and if he were to start shouting “Yes! Yes! Yes!” that would be his order to cross the border and take all of Ukraine and unite it to the Russian Motherland.

As he stood at the window and gazed out at the Moscow landscape with its domed churches and crosses, he wondered if he could spot the Golden Arches of the nearest McDonald’s as he suddenly felt a craving for a Big Mac (which mercifully had escaped the list of U.S. and EU sanctions against Moscow).

Suddenly the beautiful and lovely seductress the Babylonian Vampiress Lilith flew in through his office window.

She was wearing the latest spring fashion Cartier white evening dress with gold sequins.

She threw Putin back on to the Russian black bear skin rug in his office, ripped off all his clothes and mounted him.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Putin was soon screaming in a matter of minutes.

The General put his phone down.

He addressed his aide- a handsome young lieutenant with whom he re-enacted ancient Spartan army nighttime maneuvers.

“Well there we have the order,” the General said, “we take all of Ukraine.”

“That’s good,” his lieutenant answered, “I’ve kind of got a hankering for Kiev style homemade perogies at the moment.”

“But first you must have a Russian sausage,” the General pulled down his pants.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 23rd
2014.

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