A Renfieldian TV Commercial

October 24, 2016 at 4:32 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

A Renfieldian TV Commercial

A London advertising agency was once again holding its Best Written TV Commercial contest and once again Renfield R. Renfield would be submitting one of his entries.

He had called Amadeus downstairs to read him his Commercial masterpiece.

Once again Amadeus approached to listen with both tea and trepidation.

Renfield read the commercial he had written:

Bald Guy (in white suit addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Another Bald Guy (in black suit addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald Woman (in black dress addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald-Headed Dog (addressing camera): Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald Guy (in white suit): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Another Bald Guy (in black suit): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Bald Woman (in black dress): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Bald-Headed Dog: Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Marble Headed Bust of A Bald Karl Marx (speaking): Bald headed people of the world unite! The classless hairless society has arrived.

Announcer: Yes, my follicle challenged friends, equal opportunity has arrived. There is now a shampoo for bald people- Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People. Now enjoy the same lathering rinse on your head that your fully follicled friends currently enjoy.

1st Bald Headed Guy (now lathering with Abernathy’s): It controls my dandruff for days.

2nd Bald Headed Guy (lathering with Abernathy’s): Now my girlfriend doesn’t mind running her fingers through my head.

Bald Headed Woman (after lathering with Abernathy’s): It makes my head shiny and manageable. Notice the bounce when I shake my head.

Bald-Headed Dog (getting lathered with Abernathy’s by his owner): Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): That golden glow my head now shows is really noticed and appreciated by the bitches in heat down at the park.

Announcer: Yes, you baldies out there, there is now a shampoo for you- Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People.

Bald-Headed Guy With Glasses (standing on a house sidewalk with his back towards the street): Hello, I’m Dr. Benjamin Abernathy the inventor of Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People. I’m here to tell you about my exciting new product. (A white coloured van with the large lettering CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE pulls up behind him) I hope you’re as excited about my new product as I am. (Two guys in white jackets and white pants get out of the van). I was tired of seeing all my friends with hair shampooing their heads in the shower which is why I’ll be appearing in court next week on charges of voyeurism but that’s another story. Instead if you order Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People now, I’ll send you a free Abernathy Comb For Bald People (the two men in white jackets grab Dr. Abernathy) as well as a free Abernathy Brush For Bald People. (One of the men in white jackets opens the back of the white van) Phone our operators now and I’ll send in a Free Blow Dry and Curling Kit For Bald People. (The men in white jackets throw Dr. Abernathy into the padded cell at the back of the van and close the back door marked CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE).

Announcer: Yes, friends, get your Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People now. Before they come to get you.

. . .

Renfield looked at Amadeus, “So Amadeus, what do you think?”.

Amadeus sat there, holding his cup of tea half-way to his lips, frozen in space and time, an expression of total shock on his face.

“Well?” Renfield prodded again.

“What,” Amadeus asked quietly, “is the phone number for that CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE?”.

“Why do you ask?” Renfield gazed suspiciously at Amadeus.

-A vampire novel chapter
and Renfieldian TV
Commercial
written by Christopher
Sunday October 23rd
2016.

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Renfield TV Ad

March 23, 2015 at 7:02 pm (Humour, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield TV Ad

This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.

Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.

Announcer: And driving to work in the driver’s seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver’s seat of the courtroom.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef’s claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.

Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef’s ineptitude.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, “Live long and prosper.” (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)

His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.

(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)

Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.

Because sometimes it’s just safer to drive across the street…

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Renfield Comes Up With Yet Another Idea For A TV Commercial

January 14, 2015 at 7:39 pm (Humour, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield Comes Up With Yet Another Idea For A TV Commercial

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon had spent the past couple of nights watching North American TV channels on their far-reaching super powerful satellite TV.

Tonight they were watching an NHL hockey game.

Voice of announcer: And now here come the Edmonton Oilers hockey players…

(A group of hockey players skate out on to the ice wearing paper bags over their heads)

Renfield remarked to Amadeus, “You know last night, I saw an American TV commercial I hadn’t seen before.”

“Oh, yes,” Amadeus reached for some popcorn.

“Yes,” Renfield went on, “it showed some woman holding on to a rope and rock climbing up a cliff. She suddenly turns her head, looks at the camera and says ‘It’s at moments like these, I’m glad I’m wearing Tampax Proactive’.”

Amadeus stopped reaching for a red licorice Twizzler and reached for a black licorice Twizzler instead.

“Anyways, if I had written and directed that commercial,” Renfield continued, “I would then have had the camera pan in on some guy holding on to the same rope and rock climbing up the cliff directly beneath her suddenly look up, then look at the camera and say, ‘Oh God!!! At moments like these, I’m glad she’s wearing Tampax Proactive too.’

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 14th
2015.

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