New TV Car Commercial For 2017

February 11, 2017 at 12:22 pm (Commentary, News, Satire, TV Commercials) (, , , , )

(Image of a red car being driven along a moonlit highway)

Announcer: You’re not one to spend day and night constantly working at the office…

(Camera pans in on the smiling face of the driver of the red car)

Announcer: You’re one of these people who are truly the master of their own destiny…

(Driver smiles as he switches gears)

Announcer: You’re not one to be tied down to convention or strictly following the rules…

(Driver of the red car passes a slower moving car in front of him)

Announcer: In fact, you’re one of these people who always wonders why in reality there are always loads of other motor vehicles on the road as opposed to what you see on TV commercials where yours is the only vehicle on the road and possibly one or two others….

(Driver of the red car can be seen scratching his head)

Announcer: Well now you’re about to find out why…

(The red car is suddenly hit by an asteroid crashing into the highway)

Announcer: The new 2017 Nibiru Asteroid… giving you the driving experience of a lifetime…

(End of commercial as the red car can be seen burning up in a deep hole in the road as the car radio plays the R.E.M. song “It’s the end of the world as we know it…”)

-A TV Commercial
written by Christopher
Friday February 10th
2017

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And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

January 30, 2015 at 7:09 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, TV Commercials) (, , , , )

And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

Well some group is actually upset with a Super Bowl ad by Budweiser for showing a wolf approach a puppy in a threatening manner.

The group is asking people to call Budweiser and ask them to withdraw that part of the ad before this Sunday’s Super Bowl saying that wolves already receive enough bad PR.

I wonder if we’ll hear this news story on the radio soon:

A rabid animal rights activist was so angry when he heard about the ad, he pulled his truck over to call Budweiser and demand they withdraw that portion of the ad.
When he finished talking on the phone, he looked into the back of the cab of his truck and found a wolf had just eaten the puppy dog in the back he was bringing home to surprise his children.

Meanwhile in other news, a pro-shark group is demanding that Turner Classic Movies stop showing the 1975 Steven Spielberg film Jaws that shows sharks eating humans saying that sharks receive enough bad PR already.

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Renfield Writes A Justin Bieber Commercial For American Express

June 25, 2014 at 3:39 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Humour, News, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield Writes A Justin Bieber Commercial For American Express

Renfield R. Renfield had recently developed a penchant for writing TV commercials and submitting them to Madison Avenue advertising agencies.

He announced to Amadeus Emanon that he had just written a commercial for the American Express card- one that would have Justin Bieber in it.

“Let’s hear it,” Amadeus sighed.

. . .

Justin Bieber smiled at the camera.

“Hi,” Justin grinned, “do you know me?”.

“Unless I’m wearing an orange jump suit and have numbers in front of me like in my Florida police mug shots, most people don’t recognize me.”

“That’s why I got one of these.”

Justin Bieber holds up an American Express card with his name Justin Bieber on it.

“The American Express card,” Justin Bieber flashed another wide smile, “don’t leave court ordered anger management classes without it.”

. . .

Amadeus sighed again.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 23rd
2014.

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Slenderman Commercial For Weight Loss Clinics

June 13, 2014 at 6:12 pm (Commentary, News, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Slenderman Commercial For Weight Loss Clinics

“What are you looking so pleased about?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield.

“Some big Madison Avenue advertising agency in New York City
is having a competition for who can come up with the best TV commercial advertising weight loss clinics for men,” Renfield grinned, “so I just designed one using my computer graphic and animation skills.”

Renfield then showed Amadeus the commercial on his iMac.

. . .

Standing there was a very tall extremely thin man wearing a black suit and a cartoon blank face.

“Hi there,” the figure introduced himself, “I’m Slenderman. I don’t usually say much… in fact I usually say nothing at all. But you sitting there like the fat slob on the couch that you are has inspired me to say this…

“Get off the couch, fatso. Yeah, I’m talking to you. The one eating his 13th bucket of KFC this hour. The one swallowing his 13th Big Mac this minute. The one inhaling his 13th box of Reese’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups this second.

You’re a disgusting obnoxious fat slob. You’re more blob than man. When was the last time you had a date, fatso? In fact, when was the last time you had sex?

You couldn’t have a woman snuggle up next to you on the couch because you take up the entire couch you disgusting fat pig.

While you’re busy stuffing your fat face, thousands of teen-aged girls are dying from anorexia.

Or better yet, girls are killing for me.

How many females would kill for you, you fat-assed ton of lard?

I could count by the number of toes on Oscar Pistorius’ feet how many females would kill for you.

Zilch.

Nada-nada.

A big fat zero.

Like yourself.

A big fat nothing.

So get off the couch.

Stop stuffing your face like a camel on Prozac.

Get out.

Exercise.

And join the Manly Loss Weight Loss Program.

There’s a Manly Loss Weight Loss Clinic near you.

All you’ve got to lose are your pounds.

And I’m not talking about being mugged over in England.

So become a man.

Become slender.

Become… Slenderman.

The type of guy that females will not only die for… but will be willing to kill for.”

. . .

Amadeus said nothing.

But considering the type of society that America had become today, he thought to himself, Renfield’s commercial might just win the competition.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 13th
2014.

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The Sports Car Convertible On The Day Before Christmas

December 24, 2013 at 4:38 pm (Commentary, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Sports Car Convertible On The Day Before Christmas

Vancouver- a city where a lot of people drive sports cars convertibles
You see them with their hoods down
beautiful, shining and gleaming
The drivers- alone or with a passenger
always seem to have the same expression on their faces,
“Look at me, look at what I’m driving, I’m King of the world”.
People who want everyone to notice them
People who are full of themselves

On this the Day before Christmas
I sit in a restaurant eating lunch
Looking out the window
I see a nice-looking open air convertible
for it’s a warm December 24th in Vancouver
It’s stopped at a traffic light
No one is walking around at this intersection
No one is passing by
So the driver must have the feeling that no one is around
No one is watching him
no one is observing him
He has no one to impress
So the look on his face
at this moment in time-
is an honest look
and this observer is surprised to see
a look of extreme loneliness.

So I guess in spite of what all the TV Commercials have been telling us for years
Driving a fancy sports car convertible
is not the key to happiness.

-A poem written by Christopher
The afternoon of Tuesday
December 24th
2013

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Pan Goatee’s VISA Commercial

October 9, 2013 at 10:24 pm (Commentary, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s VISA Commercial

Genetically created half-man half-goat satyr Pan Goatee was now doing TV commercials for VISA.

“Hello,” Pan Goatee was shown suntanning on a sun chair on a tropical beach holding a lime margarita with a cute little umbrella in it,  “sometimes you never know when your life is going to change. Earlier this year I was a serial killer wanted by Scotland Yard, Interpol and Europol for all the murders I committed across Britain and Europe.  Today I work as a hired assassin for the U. S. government.”

Pan Goatee takes a sip of his Margarita and grins at the camera.

“I find that my ability to astral project is quite handy in my line of work,” Pan Goatee finishes his Margarita,  “but one thing I found to be a pain in the butt is not every credit card has the ability to astral project with me.  So that’s why I always take VISA.”

Pan Goatee smiles as he holds up a VISA Gold credit card with his name PAN GOATEE written on it.

Voice of actor Morgan Freeman at the end of the commercial,  “Wherever you have to go in the universe, always go with VISA.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
  written by Christopher
  Wednesday October 9th
  2013

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