Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

May 31, 2015 at 7:15 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

U.S. President Barack Obama slept at his desk in the Oval Office while his teddy bear that he named Maxwell Smart Jr. whispered sweet nothings in his ear.

. . .

Meanwhile in the Iranian holy city of Qom, Nimrod the builder of the Tower of Babel (who had since been turned into a frog as a result of a vampiric kiss gone awry) whispered satanic somethings in the ear of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei as Iran’s Supreme Leader slept.

. . .

As Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan strolled into his gold plated and mirror ceilinged bedroom, he was startled to see the beautiful and sexy ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith standing there in a very low-cut silk nightgown.

As he gazed at this vision, he secretly hoped that what an Islamic televangelist in Turkey (who was about as nutty as some of the so-called Christian televangelists in America) had recently said about Muslim men who masturbate excessively in this lifetime- that their hands would be eternally pregnant in the next lifetime- wasn’t true.

“I’ve come to offer you something,” Lilith approached him.

Erdogan smiled.

He just might be spared an evening that might have put his right hand in eternal maternal jeopardy.

Lilith reached under her nightgown and pulled out the crown of the Sultan of Constantinople- ruler of the Ottoman Empire.

“This I will give you,” Lilith smiled seductively, “if you will fall down and worship me.”

“I hope she’s not asking me to kiss her pussy,” Erdogan thought to himself as he heard a cat meowing from under the bed.

. . .

In Jerusalem, the Mossad agent they called the Controller of The Golem sat in his office reading disturbing reports about recent speeches given by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

In a speech last week, Erdogan had called for the restoration of Ottoman rule over Jerusalem.

In a campaign speech yesterday as he campaigned on behalf of his Islamist party for next week’s Turkish parliamentary elections, Erdogan had called for the “conquering fires of Istanbul to again be lit across the world”.

Outside the Controller’s office could be heard the screeching of a night owl.

The Controller looked out his office window and noticed a raven attacking a dove within the light of a bright street lamp.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 31st
2015.

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The Frog and Angela Merkel

March 14, 2015 at 8:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Frog and Angela Merkel

German Chancellor Angela Merkel told her secretary that she’d be spending the day at a spa to get herself rejuvenated.

After spending a pleasant time at the spa, she went to a quiet Berlin restaurant to have dinner.

She ordered the soup and salad.

The waiter brought her the potato soup.

Just then, Mrs. Merkel received a call on her mobile.

She noticed it was from Barack Obama.

She stepped outside on to the patio balcony to take the call undisturbed.

“Yes, Mr. President,” the Chancellor spoke into the phone.

“Hi Madame Chancellor, I’m just phoning you for some advice,” President Obama said, “I was wondering if you’d think Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu would take it as a personal insult if I sent him as a gift some Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork instead of beef?”.

“Well yes,” Mrs. Merkel replied, “I would think Mr. Netanyahu would very much take it as a personal insult.”

“Thanks, Madame Chancellor,” President Obama then got on the other line to his U.S.Secretary of State John Kerry, “By all means, send the Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork as a pre-election gift to Prime Minister Netanyahu this coming Israeli election night eve.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel then went back to her soup.

A little green frog leapt out of her soup.

“Waiter, there was a frog in my soup,” Mrs. Merkel called out to the waiter.

“A frog?” The waiter was surprised, “Don’t you mean a fly?”.

“Ribbit, ribbit,” the frog said as he sat on the table.

. . .

The German Chancellor’s personal secretary entered her office that night and was surprised to see the very young looking and very beautiful ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the Chancellor’s chair at her desk.

She wore a very low-cut beige evening dress that showed off her cleavage quite well.

“Well fuck me wild and senseless, Madame Chancellor, ” Mrs. Merkel’s male personal secretary exclaimed, “but that day at the spa really did you a world of good.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 14th
2015.

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Renfield Dines Thrice In Paris

June 5, 2014 at 7:18 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Dines Thrice In Paris

Renfield met with the Egyptian Vampiress Isis in her Parisienne apartment where he gave her Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s 3-D printed copy of the ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Although of course Isis thought it was the original first edition ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Isis and Renfield enjoyed a lunch of watercress and French mermaid sandwiches together.

Then they had an afternoon of tantric sex.

Then Renfield left.

Renfield decided to shapeshift into a hamster and crash French President Francois Hollande’s dinner party for U.S. President Barack Obama at the Chiberta Restaurant by the Arc de Triomphe.

French President Hollande was being forced to eat two meals in one evening.

First dinner with President Obama at the Chiberta.

And then what was being called a “late supper” with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the Élysée Palace.

The French President had ordered that a box load of laxatives be available at his bed side just before bedtime this evening.

And also a lovely blonde French maid looking nurse holding an enema in case even that didn’t work.

“I’m not going to be ordering any cheese this evening,” the French President told a shocked head waiter at the Chiberta Restaurant.

“Oh please, won’t you order some cheese for me?” Renfield begged from under the table.

“Mon Dieu, a talking mouse!” Hollande exclaimed as he looked under the table.

Hollande was the sort of politician who wouldn’t know his mouse from a hamster on the ground.

So he ordered a plate of cheese (much to the relief of the head waiter) and gave it to Renfield under the table.

Later Renfield enjoyed a plate of chocolate eclairs for dessert while hiding under the table at the Élysée Palace banquet room as Hollande dined with President Putin.

“Knowledge is power,” Renfield laughed after an evening of eavesdropping.

“And overeating is agony,” Renfield remarked as he pleaded for relief as he sat much later on his Bonaparte style French Imperial throne in the bathroom of his Paris hotel room.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 5th
2014.

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Radio News Reports and The Park Avenue Billionaire

April 23, 2014 at 7:25 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Radio News Reports and The Park Avenue Billionaire

The mysterious billionaire sat behind the dark curtains in his Park Avenue New York City penthouse apartment, drank Jasmine tea with a pinch of Arizona sagebrush and listened to the news on the radio.

“Russia will respond if its interests in Ukraine are attacked says Russia’s Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov…

U.S. President Barack Obama says that the U.S. will support Japan in its territorial dispute with China over the Senkaku Islands (called Diaoyu Islands by China) in the East China Sea under the terms of Article 5 of the U.S.-Japan Treaty of Mutual Co-Operation and Security… the U.S. ‘s mutual Defence pact with Japan…

South Korea has announced that North Korea may conduct a nuclear test during President Obama’s upcoming visit to the Korean Peninsula…

In the Palestinian territories, Hamas and Fatah have announced a reconciliation deal and will form a unity government in the upcoming weeks…

In response, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called off further peace negotiations with the Palestinian Authority…

The first contingent of U.S. troops has entered Poland for joint military exercises with Poland in the midst of tensions with Russia over Ukraine…

In another incident, the Air Forces of the United Kingdom, the Netherlands and Denmark all scrambled their fighter jets after Russian military aircraft were spotted approaching their airspace…”

The Park Avenue billionaire gurgled happily as he sipped his tea…

All was definitely going according to plan.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 23rd
2014.

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Lilith In Saudi Arabia

March 28, 2014 at 6:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Lilith In Saudi Arabia

The beautiful and sexy Babylonian Vampiress Lilith was in Saudi Arabia.

She was inside the oasis camp of Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah outside the Saudi capital of Riyadh.

She had come to eavesdrop on the conversation between Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah and U.S. President Barack Obama.

She flew directly over the King’s Saudi bodyguard.

And she had no trouble getting past the U.S. Secret Service detail who were supposed to be guarding U.S. President Barack Obama.

All she had to do was lift up her dress and the U.S. Secret Service bodyguards immediately started masturbating on the spot.

She hearkened to the room where President Obama and King Abdullah were meeting.

She hid behind a curtain and listened.

When the meeting was over, she turned into a bat and flew off into the night.

As he was leaving, President Obama decided to shake the hand of the lead U.S. Secret Service agent who had been guarding him.

“Good God,” were President Obama’s first words as he boarded the Marine One helicopter, “anybody got a wet hand wipe?”.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 28th
2014.

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Renfield and Amadeus In Rome

March 27, 2014 at 7:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus In Rome

“So what are we doing in Rome?” Amadeus asked Renfield as he bought a plate of spaghetti and meatballs from a Roman street spaghetti vendor.

“Thought I’d do a little catch up on my hobby of blackmail and extortion,” Renfield replied, “I find my other hobby of stamp collecting starts to get boring after a while. Plus licking the back of all those stamps starts to leave a nasty stain on the tongue.”

“Who are you trying to blackmail in Rome?” Amadeus asked as he spilled spaghetti all over his tuxedo.

“I hear there are some U. S. Secret Service agents who remained behind in one of the rooms of the Vatican after today’s meeting between President Obama and Pope Francis,” Renfield smiled and helped himself to a meatball off Amadeus’ bow tie, “so I thought I’d see what they were up to.”

“Didn’t 3 agents get sent home for drunken behavior in Amsterdam a few days ago?” Amadeus asked as he decided to open a pack of chop sticks to eat his spaghetti instead of using his hands.

“They did,” Renfield looked at the video of the non-blackmail paying Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan eating a barbeque pulled pork sandwich he was about to upload to YouTube oblivious to the fact that Turkey had just blocked its citizens’ access to YouTube, “and back in April 2012 twelve U.S. secret service agents were found guilty of gross misconduct for cavorting with prostitutes ahead of a summit in Cartagena Colombia that President Obama was attending.”

“I wonder how you get to be a U.S. Secret Service agent,” Amadeus mused out loud.

“They’re in this room here according to Google Maps and the G.P.S. signal I’m receiving,” Renfield burst through the door and started flashing pics with his iPhone.

“Oh shit,” the Secret Service agent cried out who was undergoing an enema treatment from an Italian courtesan dressed in a Renaissance evening gown.

In this orgy of U.S. Secret Servants and Italian courtesans were to be found the Greek Vampiress Aphrodite dancing in the nude and a bald-headed and extremely obese dwarf (who was none other than the Greek Vampire Dionysus) pouring wine.

“God, I’ve captured in seconds what would have probably taken Michelangelo years to paint,” Renfield cackled above the moans and groans of secret service agent and courtesan alike.

“I suppose you’re referring to Michelangelo the Renaissance sculptor and painter and not the Boss’ genetically created psychic lobster,” Amadeus helped himself to some of Aphrodite’s oysters.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 27th
2014.

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Isis Receives Offer From The NSA

March 25, 2014 at 5:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Isis Receives Offer From The NSA

Deep in a crypt below Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris was a room known as the Interfaith Dialogue Room With Ancient Egyptian Religions that had been created in the heyday of the excitement of Vatican II.

Today the room was a highly advanced particle physics laboratory dedicated to re-assembling the particles and sub-atomic particles and nano-particles of the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris who had disintegrated into such tiny particles when he had been blown to bits by a laser death ray fired at him by a Russian nuclear submarine when he attempted to return to Earth landing at Vancouver’s English Bay on December 21st 2012.

Isis vowed vengeance on Vladimir Putin.

Now Isis received a communication from the NSA who likewise were anxious to stop Putin after he annexed Crimea.

The NSA offered to send over DARPA’s best scientists to help in the task of sub-atomically putting Osiris back together again.

Isis emailed back that she’d gladly accept their help.

. . .

U. S. President Barack Obama looked at the personally autographed photo of the U.S. ‘s new ally the Egyptian Vampiress Isis.

“She looks a lot like the singer Rihanna,” the President mused.

The description was accurate.

Isis could easily have been mistaken for Rihanna’s identical twin sister or even doppelgänger.

Isis had also misplaced many a diamond in the sky during her nocturnal vampiric flights around Paris no doubt inspiring the lyrics of one of Rihanna’s songs.

. . .

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec who could have easily been mistaken for the doppelgänger or identical twin sister of actress Salma Hayek was currently flying over Venezuela.

She looked down and happened to see Russian nuclear warheads being attached to Russian SS-27 missiles.

She flew down to the ground gently landing on her spiked stilettos, lifted her skirt and pulled an iPhone out of her garter belt to call and inform Arizona Sen. John McCain of what she saw.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 25th
2014.

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Renfield and Amadeus Listen To BBC World News On The Radio

February 12, 2014 at 8:01 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Movies, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus Listen To BBC World News On The Radio

As Renfield entered the library, he noticed that Amadeus was crying bucket loads of tears into his unspilled glass of milk.

The BBC World News was talking about the red storm warning that the British Meteorological Office had just issued.

Renfield looked out the window and noticed their next door neighbour was busy building an ark.

“What are you sniveling about?” Renfield finally asked the crying Amadeus.

“Shirley Temple dying,” Amadeus sobbed.

“Well she lived to a good age,” Renfield said, “she was 85.”

“She was 85?” Amadeus blinked, “Wow. Did she ever look young for her age.”

“All of those movies you have of her on DVD were made back in the 1930s when she was only a little girl,” Renfield explained.

“Oh,” said Amadeus.

A lightbulb went on over Amadeus’ head as Renfield turned on a lamp behind Amadeus’ chair.

On the BBC World News, a commentator was commentating, “And so U.S. President Barack Obama has spent the past couple of days snuggling up to French poodle Francois Hollande in an effort to improve U.S.-French ties. As the Emperor Napoleon and the 1960s American pop culture novelist Jacqueline Susann might put it, “Every night, Josephine…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 12th
2014

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Pan Goatee Invited To The White House

February 4, 2014 at 11:44 pm (Commentary, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Invited To The White House

Serial killer and U.S. government hired assassin Pan Goatee had been invited to the White House.

He wasn’t sure who he was meeting with there but he had the feeling it was with the Big Chief himself.

Pan Goatee pressed the elevator button.

The elevator showed up at his floor.

He was about to get in when suddenly an ugly looking woman got out.

What the fuck?!-

How dare an ugly looking woman get off just as he was about to get on?

He pulled out his gun and shot her several times making sure that she was dead.

He headed to the stairwell.

Damn!

Now he would have to start using the stairwell until such time as he spotted a beautiful looking woman enter or exit the elevator that would dispel the curse that now hung over the elevator as a result of an ugly looking woman riding in it.

Pan Goatee then walked to one of his favourite restaurants where he would have lunch prior to visiting the White House.

As he entered the restaurant…

…what the fuck?…

… an old bat senior citizen in a walker was sitting at his favourite table.

So Pan Goatee pulled out his gun and shot her several times making sure she was dead.

He then threw her body and walker out the door into the street.

This semi-automatic he bought at a smiley face price Roll-Back sale at Wal-Mart last week (which he was able to purchase without ID or background check) was certainly coming in handy this week.

He then ordered, ate and enjoyed his usual dish in this restaurant- a plate of meatloaf and sauerkraut.

He then headed to the White House.

At the security check inside the White House, there were some problems arising (due to a computer glitch) with his government employee issued ID.

So Pan Goatee was forced to shoot and kill the White House Secret Service agents present at the security check.

With everyone at the desk now dead, he had no one to ask for directions.

Pan Goatee had to find his way to the Oval Office on his own as he was pretty sure that a White House meeting for a serial killer of his stature (he had beat out Pope Francis in getting his picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine first) could only be with the Big Chief himself.

When he found the Oval Office, he decided to enter without knocking.

Standing there was U. S. President Barack Obama posing for a photo with a small group of elementary schoolchildren.

The children were presenting the President with a petition calling for tougher gun control laws to prevent tragedies like the Sandy Hook Massacre.

Pan Goatee decided that now probably wasn’t an opportune moment to announce that he had just purchased a membership in the National Rifle Association.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 4th
2014.

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The 1-800 Obamacare Number

November 6, 2013 at 8:04 pm (Commentary, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The 1-800 Obamacare Number

 

 

 

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching a U. S. government public service ad on American television via satellite in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

 

 

It was U.S. President Barack Obama doing the ad.

 

 

“My fellow Americans,” President Obama smiled at the camera, “as you know an exciting new national health insurance plan is starting to emerge. Thus from Alaska to Florida… and from Kenya to Maine… I mean… from Hawaii to Maine… we’ve got you covered.”

 

President Obama continued, “They call this new program Obamacare.  And I do care.  Just call the 1-800 number below at the bottom of your screen and you’ll see how much I care…”

 

 

President Obama flashes a big grin at the camera.

 

 

“Do those last numbers after 1-800 spell out the words that I think they do?” Amadeus asked Renfield.

 

“They do,” Renfield replied as he ate some popcorn.

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Wednesday November 6th

  2013

 

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