Renfield and Amadeus At An Irish Karaoke Party

November 12, 2016 at 6:52 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus At An Irish Karaoke Party

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had his entire mansion to himself tonight.

His butler and valet Athelstan had been called away to bail his mother out of jail for being drunk and disorderly. Apparently Athelstan’s mother had been drinking too much gin in a northern England pub and had gotten into a violent argument with another patron about who was England’s greatest rugby player.

Amadeus and Renfield were out of the house to meet the New Orleans songstress and vampiress Angelique Dumont in a London karaoke bar in a tribute night to The Greatest Hits of Tommy Makem and The Clancy Brothers.

So Set was doing what any male would do when he had the entire house to himself- he was drinking a bottle of beer (albeit in Set’s case with a side of blood) and watching television.

He was watching a BBC World News story about more anti-Trump rioting and protests in post-election America.

BBC Reporter (with a huge riot going on in the background): In the weeks running up to this Presidential election the big fear was that Donald Trump supporters would not accept the reality of a Hillary Clinton victory and would riot and cause general mayhem and chaos following the election. Now that the shoe is on the other foot and America has to face the reality of a Donald Trump victory, some of Hillary Clinton’s supporters are rioting and creating general mayhem and chaos themselves.

(Behind the BBC reporter, bottles are being thrown and American flags are being burnt. Signs saying TRUMP NOT MY PRESIDENT are being waved and cries of “Fuck You America” are being shouted)

BBC Reporter (calling to a protestor carrying a Molotov cocktail): Excuse me, sir. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Protestor (with Molotov cocktail): Sure. Cool, man.

BBC Reporter: Why are you doing this?

Protestor: Because Trump won and Hillary lost. This is an affront to democracy and the will of the people, man.

BBC Reporter: What do you think would have happened had Hillary won and Trump lost?

Protestor: All those white Neo-Nazi Ku Klux Klansmen who supported Trump would have rioted. Because Trump supporters have no class.

Topless Tattooed Blonde (burning her Stars and Stripes coloured brassiere in front of the camera): That’s right, Trump supporters have no class. Unlike us, we have class. Fuck you, America! (holds up her middle finger)

Meanwhile down at the Karaoke bar where Irish Music Appreciation Night was being held, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont were waiting for Renfield R. Renfield to show up.

“How long do you suppose Renfield is going to be at that massage parlour in Soho?” Angelique asked Amadeus.

“That will depend on whether or not Renfield ordered the Dozen For One special,” Amadeus replied.

“Do you think Renfield will keep his promise and not sing any karaoke tonight?” Angelique asked with a shudder as she recalled the riot that had ensued the last time Renfield had sung karaoke.

“I believe he will,” Amadeus nodded, “I wonder if Renfield will remember what door to come in.”

It turned out that Renfield did not.

For he wound up on stage just as the crowd was starting to chant The Old Orange Flute! The Old Orange Flute! The Old Orange Flute!

The karaoke M.C. asked Renfield, “Are you the gentleman who signed up to sing The Old Orange Flute?”.

“Um, no,” Renfield replied, “I thought when the crowd was uttering cries of The Old Orange Flute, they were calling on some Chinaman to introduce an elderly Protestant pansy from Northern Ireland.”

Amadeus winced and buried his head in his hands.

He thought to himself that Renfield with his sense of audacious political incorrectness – that if the media had given Renfield as much coverage at the start of this year’s Presidential election campaign as they had Donald Trump- that it would be Renfield and not Trump who was the President-elect of the United States.

Proving the truth of Oscar Wilde’s dictum, “It’s better to be talked about than not talked about.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 12th
2016.

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Post-Election Aftermath: A Renfieldian Analysis

November 9, 2016 at 6:03 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Post-Election Aftermath: A Renfieldian Analysis

In the editorial boardrooms of The Washington Post, The New York Times, CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC and the United Kingdom’s own The Economist newsmagazine, they sat there with totally stupefied and totally stupid looks on their faces.

Not one of these self-proclaimed geniuses had seen this coming.

Many of them began to think that Josef Stalin had it right after all, when every few years, he had slaughtered millions of the common people.

Perhaps if they, the western world’s global elite, had been doing the same thing the past several decades, yesterday’s election debacle might have been prevented.

Even BREXIT might have been stillborn.

Representing the members of the film, music and entertainment industry’s chattering classes, a female blonde moron wearing a t-shirt that said I USED TO BE HANNAH MONTANA sobbed, “Now everybody is going to think that we in the film, music and entertainment industries are a bunch of airheads” (totally oblivious to the fact that most American citizens and indeed most people across the world already thought so).

To confirm the former Miss Montana’s idiotic fears, most of those in the film, music and entertainment industries who had jumped on the losing side’s bandwagon were already using the hoses off bicycle tire air pumps to try to pump their heads up to what should be their proper cranial and cerebral size.

A defeated Presidential candidate in her campaign headquarters who had been forced to write a concession speech at the last moment (a speech she had never written throughout her entire election campaign) was now reflecting how the vast right-wing conspiracy was even more vast than she had originally thought in that TV interview she gave 20 years ago.

In the city of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada,that metropolis’ vast conglomerate of pot-smoking potheads were trying desperately to get off the One Hell of A Nightmare stoner trip they were currently on about what had occurred south of the border.

. . .

As Amadeus Emanon watched Renfield R. Renfield type up his analysis of the U.S. Presidential election, he remarked, “So Michelangelo was right and the experts were wrong?”.

(Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster for Set Enterprises had correctly called the U.S. Election almost a month ago

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/michelangelo-calls-u-s-election/

)

“That should come as no surprise, should it?” Renfield asked as he took a large swig from a bottle of Tennessee bourbon and struck his best Ernest Hemingway pose.

“No, I suppose not,” Amadeus reflected.

“After all, you know what an expert is, don’t you?” Renfield grinned as he lit a cigar before proceeding to bang away on his old antique Underwood typewriter.

“No, what is an expert?” Amadeus almost dreaded to ask Renfield.

“Well,” Renfield grinned as he chewed his cigar, “an ex is a has-been and a spurt is a drip of water under pressure.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 9th
2016.

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Renfield Asks Donald Trump A Question

May 19, 2016 at 5:37 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield Asks Donald Trump A Question

Renfield R. Renfield’s campaign for the U.S. Presidency was going nowhere.

He sat at 0.0% in the polls and had 0.0% of the delegates in either party- Republican or Democrat.

And to add insult to injury, still no one was telling him to drop out of the race like Hillary Clinton was telling Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump was telling Ted Cruz and John Kasich a month ago.

Renfield felt somewhat peeved.

He had recently found out however that he Renfield had actually been created in a genetics lab in Colorado Springs, Colorado (his creator Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had been trying to re-create Nikola Tesla’s experiments with ball lightning at the time) rather than a genetics lab in Britain.

That meant he Renfield was a natural born (or natural genetically created) American citizen and he no longer needed to tell everyone to ignore the U.S. Constitution while campaigning to be President (and that most American Presidents inevitably do once they enter office).

So Renfield decided he needed to do something radical to attract the attention of the U.S. media and public.

Then he thought of a question that he could ask Donald Trump- a question that no journalist had thought of asking Donald Trump before.

Renfield was positive that this question would catapult him into the national spotlight.

So he flew over to America to a Donald Trump campaign rally and posed as a journalist.

Trump surveyed the room for members of the press and pointed in Renfield’s direction.

“You sir,” he pointed at Renfield, “wearing the Porn Stars and Hookers For Renfield campaign button on your lapel, you have a question?”.

“I do, Mr. Trump,” Renfield grinned like the cat about to pounce on the canary, “when was the last time you had a hair cut?”.

Trump looked shell shocked.

“What?” Trump sputtered.

“That should be an easy question for most people with their own natural hair on their head to answer, Mr. Trump,” Renfield grinned again, “when was the last time you had a hair cut?”.

“Throw that bum out of here,” Donald Trump directed his handlers.

Trump’s handlers then pounced on the Set Enterprises Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering posing as a journalist.

“What are you trying to cover up and hide, Mr. Trump?” Renfield shouted, “When was the last time you had a hair cut?”.

“Throw that bum out of here!” Trump once again screamed.

“They’re going to make bumper stickers,” Renfield shouted, “bumper stickers that say RED SPIDER MONKEYS DIED FOR TRUMP’S FOLLICLE SINS.”

“Throw that bum out of here,” Trump raged with the fury of an Austrian painter addressing a rally in mid-1930s Nuremberg.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 19th
2016.

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Renfield Views U.S. Election Campaign

February 17, 2016 at 9:12 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Views U.S. Election Campaign

Renfield R. Renfield was examining the results of a public opinion poll on the race for the U.S. Presidency.

“I see you’re at 0.0% in the polls,” Amadeus was like Samson with a post-Delilah haircut addressing the victim of an over zealous circumcising rabbi- he was fond of pointing out his friend’s short comings.

“So I see,” Renfield blew out his Bourbon through his nose on to the computer screen.

Athelstan the valet arrived in the nick of time with Sherrielock’s Bavarian Magic Mushroom Cleaner Stain Remover to wipe the computer screen.

“Are you disappointed?” Amadeus started filing his fingernails with a nail file- a habit he picked up from watching Dr. Niles Crane a character on the American TV sitcom Frasier.

“Not at all,” Renfield replied, “Climb every mountain, follow every stream until you find your dream…”

Renfield was doing his best impersonation of Kevin Philipps Bong the Slightly Silly Party candidate from the famous Monty Python sketch.

Amadeus turned on the TV where they watched Anderson Cooper on CNN via satellite doing his in-depth analysis of the White House race so far.

“Some people have said that this particular Presidential race really can’t be parodied,” Anderson explained, “because it has become a parody in and unto itself.”

Anderson then looked directly into the camera, “But is that really a fair assumption?”.

Images from a Marco Rubio campaign ad saying “It’s morning again in America” showing the sun rising on the City of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada to images of Hillary Clinton barking and yelping and howling like a dog while campaigning on stage at a rally in Nevada.

This was followed by images of Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio barking, yelping and howling like dogs on their respective campaign trails.

Never had the Pensacola Revival and the Toronto Blessing of North American Charismatic Pentecostal Christianity ever made such a major impact on the American political scene.

“The question of course is what will happen next in this Presidential campaign already unique in American history?” Anderson Cooper asked his viewers .

Images appear of Hillary Rodham Clinton on the campaign trail in South Carolina.

She’s on all fours and is standing dog like by a fire hydrant on a street corner in Charleston, South Carolina.

She is barking and howling at the moon.

Donald Trump comes running down the sidewalk on all fours with tongue hanging out and panting and howling at the moon.

Since Hillary is in the way of the fire hydrant, Donald lifts his lower right leg and takes a piss all over her.

Vladimir Putin and his aide are likewise watching this spectacle on the television in the Russian President’s Kremlin office.

“Well,” his aide pointed out, “your most exalted future Byzantine Emperor and Russian Czarist Majesty, there’s probably never been a more opportune moment in history to invade and conquer America than now.”

“What you say is true,” Putin poured himself some more tea from the samovar on his desk, “but after seeing this, the question is… is this really a land and a people worth conquering?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 17th
2016.

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Renfield For President

February 8, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield For President

Renfield R. Renfield informed Amadeus Emanon that he intended to run for President of the United States.

Grinning like the cow who had jumped over the moon because Red Bull had given her wings, Renfield smiled, “A large group of American bloggers have been urging me to run so I’ve decide to accede to their requests.”

“But you weren’t born in the U.S.,” Amadeus pointed out, “you were genetically created in a lab in Britain.”

“So not being born in the U.S. is no longer a problem in U.S. Presidential politics,” Renfield smiled as he looked at a copy of a phony birth certificate the then U.S. Territory of Hawaii issued to Sun Yat-sen (the future founder and President of the Republic of China) back in the late 19th Century, “the current President may have been born in Kenya. The winner of the Iowa Republican State Caucuses was born in Canada. And as for being genetically created in a lab, 50 years from now, everyone will be genetically created in a lab. I’m just a man ahead of my time.”

“Your watch is 5 minutes fast,” Amadeus admitted as he pointed it out.

Renfield took off his Rolex and started winding it.

“Which party are you going to run for? Republican or Democrats?”
Amadeus asked.

“I’m going to run as a write-in candidate on both Republican and Democratic ballots in the various caucuses and primaries,” Renfield grinned, “who knows maybe I’ll win both Party nominations and I can wind up saving the U.S. taxpayer the cost of holding a Presidential election this November. The election can be cancelled and everyone in both houses of Congress can unanimously elect me President of the United States. The ghost of Josef Stalin will be so proud.”

“So what have you been working on?” Amadeus asked with some trepidation as he looked at Renfield’s computer screen.

“My TV campaign commercial for President,” Renfield smiled as he blew his nose into a handkerchief with Uncle Sam’s picture on it.

“Can I see it?” Amadeus asked.

Renfield touched the play button.

The commercial played.

Announcer: Today, America has become the laughing stock of the world…

(various short news clips are shown)

Bill Clinton: I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman…

George W. Bush: There ARE Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.

Barack Obama: The U.S. is winning the war against ISIL… that everyone else insists on calling ISIS…

(In the background, a video is shown of ISIS fighters wearing black t-shirts that say It’s ISIS You Moron! beheading U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry)

Hillary Clinton (as Secretary of State in 2012) : As Goddess Oprah is my witness regarding those emails, I honestly thought Benghazi was the name of a Jewish actor in Hollywood…

Donald Trump: Everyone else running in this campaign is a loser…

(A strong downtown Manhattan wind blows Trump’s toupee away and he goes running down the street after it)

Announcer: It’s time for a President of whom America can be proud:

(A clip is shown of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Rowan Atkinson asking Renfield R. Renfield for his autograph)

… Renfield R. Renfield…

… he’ll be tough when it comes to negotiating with America’s enemies…

(A clip is shown of Renfield sitting at a table right across from Vladimir Putin looking at him face-to-face and staring at him eyeball to eyeball)

(Renfield reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a gun and shoots Putin point blank in the face killing him instantly)

One of Putin’s aides (shouting excitedly in Russian): My God, he’s shot and killed the President of the Motherland!

Renfield (feeling around in his pockets and shouting to his aides) : Does anyone remember in what pocket I left my f@!?*#%^g cigars?

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that the world’s most dangerous drug traffickers such as Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman will never escape lawful custody EVER again…

(A clip is shown of Renfield standing on a precipice overlooking the Grand Canyon alongside Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman showing the Mexican drug lord the majestic beauty and grandeur of the Grand Canyon)

(Renfield pushes Guzman into the Grand Canyon)

Last words of Guzman on this Earth (as he plunges downward): Arghhhhhhhhhhh…. !!!

… Renfield R. Renfield will provide honesty in government…

(A clip is shown of Renfield at the podium at a press conference facing the media)

Renfield: I did HAVE sexual relations with that woman… (points) … and… that woman… (points somewhere else) … and … that woman (points elsewhere yet again) and… that woman… (women are seen scurrying out of the press room as the camera tries to pan in on them when Renfield points in their direction)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that both houses of Congress will co-operate with the Executive branch of government to pass much needed legislation…

(Renfield is standing at the podium in Congress. He pulls out a machine gun and starts blasting away at various members. Some of the bullets ricochet up into the public gallery accidentally killing the President of the National Rifle Association who’s sitting in that gallery)

Renfield R. Renfield will make mincemeat of ISIS…

(ISIS prisoners are seen being escorted into the White House kitchen where the new White House chef Dr. Hannibal Lecter is awaiting them with a meat cleaver)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that even the local economies in America’s smaller states are well stimulated…

(Clip of Renfield whooping it up with a bunch of working girls in a hot tub on the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada)

… Renfield R. Renfield For President…

… Because… you need him, America…

(Clip of Renfield sitting on the edge of a desk grinning and smiling at the camera)

Renfield (grinning and smiling at the camera): No red spider monkeys were harmed in the making of the hair on my head.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
Thursday February 4th
to
Monday February 8th
2016.

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