Pegasus Unveiled

November 19, 2016 at 6:19 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pegasus Unveiled

Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had invited former British Prime Minister David Cameron on a tour of Set Enterprises’ Laboratories.

The sanity challenged scientist had run into the former British PM in a tea shop.

Mr. Cameron was looking depressed as a result of the fact he was no longer Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and as a result of the fact that the British people had voted for BREXIT even though he had personally campaigned for the United Kingdom to remain within the European Union.

To cheer Mr. Cameron up, Dr. Rocher invited him on a tour of his laboratories.

Rocher introduced Cameron to Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was wearing sunglasses and lying on the sand at the bottom of the aquarium reading a water proof copy of the magazine The Hot Looking Babes In Donald Trump’s Life.

“I think Michelangelo has been spending too much time with Renfield,” Dr. Rocher thought to himself when he noticed his genetically created psychic lobster’s choice of reading material.

David Cameron suddenly noticed a measuring gauge that said 30 trillion below zero.

“This gauge here,” David Cameron pointed to it, “that says 30 trillion below zero. What is it measuring?”.

“The collective IQ of the editors, columnists and reporters at the Washington Post newspaper,” Dr. Rocher replied.

“Really?” David Cameron was shocked, “how long has the gauge been showing that?”.

“Well it had hit a trillion below zero by the end of U.S. Election Night November 8th 2016,” Dr. Rocher replied, “and it’s been going down hill ever since.”

“I see they’re now saying,” Cameron stated referring to the pundits at The Washington Post, “that Trump won’t be bringing real change to Washington DC.”

“Yes,” Dr. Cameron smiled and nodded, “the same geniuses who had been saying all year that Trump would never win the Presidency.”

“You think Trump will bring real change to Washington DC?” Cameron queried.

“Yes,” Dr. Rocher answered in the affirmative, “Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster has been showing me visions of what America and the world will look like under a Trump Presidency. There’s real change a-coming.”

Cracks started to emerge in Michelangelo’s aquarium as the Psychic Lobster got a vision of well known London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes showing up on the floor of Congress during Trump’s 1st State of the Union Address.

As Dr. Cadbury Rocher led David Cameron through the maze of laboratories at Set Enterprises, they passed through the office of Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises.

Renfield wasn’t in his office at the moment. He was coaching an attractive young female Drama student at the University of London. He was playing the part of President Bill Clinton to her Monica Lewinsky.

“It’s a shame we have to ruin such a beautiful blue dress,” Renfield told her, “but nevertheless the Stanislavski method calls for realism.”

As Renfield was busy producing an unpatented brand of mouthwash, Dr. Rocher used Renfield’s absence in the office to briefly watch BBC World News on Renfield’s high-definition television screen.

BBC Reporter: Hello, this is Nigel Roberts reporting for BBC News in New York City. At tonight’s impromptu anti-Trump rally in Central Park, something unusual is occurring. There are reports of a moustached man with a British accent appearing to ugly looking women at the rally and saying to them, “My God, but you’re ugly.” The ugly looking women are then beheaded by another man who is wearing Bermuda shorts here on this cold mid-November night in New York City and who is reported to have hairy goats’ legs as well as hooves for feet.

BBC News Anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy (interjecting from BBC Central Studios in London):

Nigel, we’re getting reports that the entire New York City membership of the Facebook group Pantsuit Nation has been wiped out. Is that correct?

Nigel Roberts: That is correct, Geeta. The entire membership was decapitated just within the past hour by the said individual with Bermuda shorts and hairy goats’ legs. Wait a minute, I think I can see that machete wielding individual now. Yes… it’s… I do believe it’s Pan Goatee the famous serial killer whose specialty is killing ugly looking women in what he has called his “one man crusade to make the world a more beautiful place in which to live.”

Geeta Guru-Murthy: Nigel, can you get an interview with him?

Nigel Roberts: Pan Goatee is within range of the camera now. Pan, Pan, Pan, can you say a word to our audience here on BBC World News?

Pan Goatee (grinning): Sure, Nigel, I’ve always got plenty of time to talk to the media.

Nigel Roberts: Now, Pan, one mystery has been solved at this anti-Trump rally in Central Park tonight. You’re obviously the individual who’s been seen beheading ugly looking women at this rally…

Pan Goatee: That’s correct, Nigel. As Seinfeld’s Cosmo Kramer might well put it, “There aren’t as many Hillary Clinton supporters as there used to be.”

Nigel Roberts: And Pantsuit Nation is gone?

Pan Goatee (grinning): Pantsuit Nation is gone. Only headless corpses in pantsuits will be seen walking the fashion runways and catwalks in New York this autumn.

Nigel Roberts: But the one question I do have is, if you’re the one doing the beheadings, then who is the moustached gentleman with the British accent saying to these ugly women, “My God, but you’re ugly” just before you decapitate them?

Pan Goatee: Well, as you know, Nigel, I’ve been working on developing my psychic abilities. As you know, I can astral project and I can also create an astral laser beam machete with my mind. I’ve also been working on producing holographic images with my mind.

Nigel Roberts: Really?

Pan Goatee: Yes and Donald Trump’s lovely daughters, particularly the lovely Ivanka, have been helping me with my cultural development. And part of that cultural development has been watching the popular 1970s British comedy Fawlty Towers with John Cleese as Basil Fawlty.

Nigel Roberts: I loved that show.

Pan Goatee: Anyways you may recall that episode where John Cleese as Basil Fawlty is in an hospital room and he says to some nurse, “My God, but you’re ugly”.

Nigel Roberts: Oh yes, I remember that episode very well.

Pan Goatee: I laughed for hours when I heard that line. That’s what gave me the inspiration to produce with my mind a holographic image of John Cleese as Basil Fawlty saying to these ugly women, “My God, but you’re ugly” just before I behead them. It’s sort of a unique comedic dramatic way of adding insult to injury.

Nigel Roberts (smiling at the camera): Well mystery solved, Geeta.
It’s Pan Goatee beheading the ugly looking women at these anti-Trump rallies. And it’s a holographic image of John Cleese as Basil Fawlty saying to these ugly women, “My God, but you’re ugly” just before they’re beheaded.

Geeta Guru-Murthy: So your report there from the anti-Trump rally in Central Park, Nigel, is ugly women are dead and Pantsuit Nation is gone.

Nigel Roberts (grinning): That’s correct, Geeta.

Geeta Guru-Murthy (smiling at the camera) : Well with that in mind, it makes me glad that I’m beautiful and glad that I’m wearing a skirt this evening.

Former British Prime Minister David Cameron looked at the TV screen in total shock.

Said Cameron, “It’s like a combination of a slasher horror film and one of those futuristic science-fiction movies. A satyr serial killer beheading ugly women. And a holographic image of John Cleese as Basil Fawlty saying to them, “My God, but you’re ugly” just before they’re beheaded. It’s incredible.”

“It is and of course being female,” Dr. Rocher pointed out, “they’re probably more upset by the words thrown at them in the last moment of their mortal life than they are about being beheaded.”

“Undoubtedly,” David Cameron wholeheartedly agreed.

Dr. Rocher then led Cameron to his next laboratory where there was a screen in front of a large glass enclosure.

“And now, Mr. Cameron, I present to you my greatest creation, the creature I’ve spent the past dozen years trying to genetically re-create,” the scientist pushed a button.

“Good God,” David Cameron gasped, “It’s Pegasus the winged horse of Greek mythology.”

Meanwhile in his aquarium, Michelangelo was ripping off a piece of waterproof masking tape trying to repair the crack on his aquarium glass.

As he did so, the psychic lobster recalled a comment that an American pundit had made earlier this year, “There’s about as much chance of Donald Trump being elected President as there is of the winged horse Pegasus being re-created.”

Meanwhile Renfield R. Renfield was returning to his office after finally collecting and picking up his recently won baseball winnings from a British bookie. He was recalling a statement that another pundit had made at the start of the year, “There’s about much chance of Donald Trump winning the Presidency as there is of the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series after 108 years.”

It was as Dr. Cadbury Rocher had said (and as the folk songs of the 1960s had said 50 years previously), “The times, they are a-changing.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 17th
2016.

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Renfield and Amadeus At An Irish Karaoke Party

November 12, 2016 at 6:52 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus At An Irish Karaoke Party

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had his entire mansion to himself tonight.

His butler and valet Athelstan had been called away to bail his mother out of jail for being drunk and disorderly. Apparently Athelstan’s mother had been drinking too much gin in a northern England pub and had gotten into a violent argument with another patron about who was England’s greatest rugby player.

Amadeus and Renfield were out of the house to meet the New Orleans songstress and vampiress Angelique Dumont in a London karaoke bar in a tribute night to The Greatest Hits of Tommy Makem and The Clancy Brothers.

So Set was doing what any male would do when he had the entire house to himself- he was drinking a bottle of beer (albeit in Set’s case with a side of blood) and watching television.

He was watching a BBC World News story about more anti-Trump rioting and protests in post-election America.

BBC Reporter (with a huge riot going on in the background): In the weeks running up to this Presidential election the big fear was that Donald Trump supporters would not accept the reality of a Hillary Clinton victory and would riot and cause general mayhem and chaos following the election. Now that the shoe is on the other foot and America has to face the reality of a Donald Trump victory, some of Hillary Clinton’s supporters are rioting and creating general mayhem and chaos themselves.

(Behind the BBC reporter, bottles are being thrown and American flags are being burnt. Signs saying TRUMP NOT MY PRESIDENT are being waved and cries of “Fuck You America” are being shouted)

BBC Reporter (calling to a protestor carrying a Molotov cocktail): Excuse me, sir. Can I talk to you for a minute?

Protestor (with Molotov cocktail): Sure. Cool, man.

BBC Reporter: Why are you doing this?

Protestor: Because Trump won and Hillary lost. This is an affront to democracy and the will of the people, man.

BBC Reporter: What do you think would have happened had Hillary won and Trump lost?

Protestor: All those white Neo-Nazi Ku Klux Klansmen who supported Trump would have rioted. Because Trump supporters have no class.

Topless Tattooed Blonde (burning her Stars and Stripes coloured brassiere in front of the camera): That’s right, Trump supporters have no class. Unlike us, we have class. Fuck you, America! (holds up her middle finger)

Meanwhile down at the Karaoke bar where Irish Music Appreciation Night was being held, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont were waiting for Renfield R. Renfield to show up.

“How long do you suppose Renfield is going to be at that massage parlour in Soho?” Angelique asked Amadeus.

“That will depend on whether or not Renfield ordered the Dozen For One special,” Amadeus replied.

“Do you think Renfield will keep his promise and not sing any karaoke tonight?” Angelique asked with a shudder as she recalled the riot that had ensued the last time Renfield had sung karaoke.

“I believe he will,” Amadeus nodded, “I wonder if Renfield will remember what door to come in.”

It turned out that Renfield did not.

For he wound up on stage just as the crowd was starting to chant The Old Orange Flute! The Old Orange Flute! The Old Orange Flute!

The karaoke M.C. asked Renfield, “Are you the gentleman who signed up to sing The Old Orange Flute?”.

“Um, no,” Renfield replied, “I thought when the crowd was uttering cries of The Old Orange Flute, they were calling on some Chinaman to introduce an elderly Protestant pansy from Northern Ireland.”

Amadeus winced and buried his head in his hands.

He thought to himself that Renfield with his sense of audacious political incorrectness – that if the media had given Renfield as much coverage at the start of this year’s Presidential election campaign as they had Donald Trump- that it would be Renfield and not Trump who was the President-elect of the United States.

Proving the truth of Oscar Wilde’s dictum, “It’s better to be talked about than not talked about.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 12th
2016.

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Post-Election Aftermath: A Renfieldian Analysis

November 9, 2016 at 6:03 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Post-Election Aftermath: A Renfieldian Analysis

In the editorial boardrooms of The Washington Post, The New York Times, CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC and the United Kingdom’s own The Economist newsmagazine, they sat there with totally stupefied and totally stupid looks on their faces.

Not one of these self-proclaimed geniuses had seen this coming.

Many of them began to think that Josef Stalin had it right after all, when every few years, he had slaughtered millions of the common people.

Perhaps if they, the western world’s global elite, had been doing the same thing the past several decades, yesterday’s election debacle might have been prevented.

Even BREXIT might have been stillborn.

Representing the members of the film, music and entertainment industry’s chattering classes, a female blonde moron wearing a t-shirt that said I USED TO BE HANNAH MONTANA sobbed, “Now everybody is going to think that we in the film, music and entertainment industries are a bunch of airheads” (totally oblivious to the fact that most American citizens and indeed most people across the world already thought so).

To confirm the former Miss Montana’s idiotic fears, most of those in the film, music and entertainment industries who had jumped on the losing side’s bandwagon were already using the hoses off bicycle tire air pumps to try to pump their heads up to what should be their proper cranial and cerebral size.

A defeated Presidential candidate in her campaign headquarters who had been forced to write a concession speech at the last moment (a speech she had never written throughout her entire election campaign) was now reflecting how the vast right-wing conspiracy was even more vast than she had originally thought in that TV interview she gave 20 years ago.

In the city of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada,that metropolis’ vast conglomerate of pot-smoking potheads were trying desperately to get off the One Hell of A Nightmare stoner trip they were currently on about what had occurred south of the border.

. . .

As Amadeus Emanon watched Renfield R. Renfield type up his analysis of the U.S. Presidential election, he remarked, “So Michelangelo was right and the experts were wrong?”.

(Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster for Set Enterprises had correctly called the U.S. Election almost a month ago

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/michelangelo-calls-u-s-election/

)

“That should come as no surprise, should it?” Renfield asked as he took a large swig from a bottle of Tennessee bourbon and struck his best Ernest Hemingway pose.

“No, I suppose not,” Amadeus reflected.

“After all, you know what an expert is, don’t you?” Renfield grinned as he lit a cigar before proceeding to bang away on his old antique Underwood typewriter.

“No, what is an expert?” Amadeus almost dreaded to ask Renfield.

“Well,” Renfield grinned as he chewed his cigar, “an ex is a has-been and a spurt is a drip of water under pressure.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 9th
2016.

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Hillary and Bill and The Zombie Apocalypse

November 2, 2016 at 4:37 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Hillary and Bill and The Zombie Apocalypse

Renfield R. Renfield was once again taking advantage of genetically created psychic lobster Michelangelo’s remote viewing abilities to find out what was going on behind the scenes of the Clinton campaign .

Renfield was getting a kick out of what was happening with Hillary:

“What applies to mere mortals doesn’t apply to Hillary Clinton,” Hillary shrieked in the third person as she threw a vase at an FBI agent.

Meanwhile Bill Clinton was meeting with famed South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo who was noted for being able to raise the dead as zombies.

“As you know, Dr. Makabo,” Bill blushed, “Fox News has discovered to our embarrassment that a lot of registered voters on voters’ lists are in fact dead. These same dead people were going to vote for Hillary at the polls but now some people are making a big stink about this. So Dr. Makabo, if you’re able to raise these people from their respective graves and cemeteries as zombies, then they could trudge into the polls and vote.”

“I could do that,” Dr. Makabo admitted, “but they would trudge into the polls with their arms in front of them, with an empty vacant look in their eyes, grunt and groan a lot and say in a mindless voice, We need brains.”

“Well then they’d fit right in with most voters,” Bill grinned.

And so it was arranged and agreed upon.

Doctor Makabo would raise dead people from the dead as zombies to vote for Hillary.

The listening Renfield found it quite appropriate that a country so taken with the idea of a zombie apocalypse as the U.S. had been for the past 5 to 6 years- that the Zombie Apocalypse would finally arrive on U.S. Election Day.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 2nd
2016.

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Hillary’s War Chest

October 26, 2016 at 4:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Hillary’s War Chest

Just on the off chance her many numbered bank accounts around the world might be tracked down and discovered, Hillary had her own personal chest (that had once belonged to the Caribbean pirate Blackbeard) containing some of the millions of dollars she had received from corrupt Third World dictators around the globe.

One dictator who had neglected to donate to Hillary was Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and of course now he was paying the price.

Hillary was now running her hands through all the cold hard cash that was in her personal war chest.

“Money, money, money,” Hillary sang the popular ABBA song from the 1970s.

She then shattered all the champagne glasses with her rendition of Madonna’s “We are living in a material world and I am a material girl…”

At that moment Bill Clinton walked in.

“Bill,” Hillary shrieked, “don’t walk in without knocking. I thought you were a reporter for the National Enquirer for a second and here I was counting some of the millions I’ve got through the Clinton Foundation. You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Speaking of the National Enquirer,” Bill grinned, “did you hear that ET gray Gali- Gula who appeared on Coast To Coast AM with George Noory last night say that you can now tell how bad the American news media has become when the National Enquirer is now the only news media outlet you can really trust to tell the truth?”.

“That’s fascinating, Bill,” Hillary glared at him, “but what were you doing coming in without knocking?”.

“Well to be honest, I didn’t think you were going to be in here, ” Bill answered.

“Oh no?” Hillary put her hands on her hips, “who’d you think would be in here? I noticed that hot looking young campaign intern was here when I first came in. Were you expecting her?”.

“Uh… no, I wasn’t,” Bill felt his nose to make sure it wasn’t growing bigger like Pinocchio’s.

“You really should check other parts of your anatomy to make sure they aren’t growing bigger when I mention hot young interns, Bill,” Hillary gave Bill the dark-eyed look of Hecate.

Bill looked down and then protested, “But still, I’m no Donald Trump when it comes to sexually harassing women.”

“No, you’re a Bill Clinton,” Hillary answered, “which is worse.”

“But you’ve never said that publicly,” Bill protested.

“No, I had that particular question thrown out when the moderator leaked it to me ahead of time,” Hillary answered.

Meanwhile in the Set Enterprises laboratory in London, Renfield R. Renfield was enjoying the scene that genetically created psychic lobster Michelangelo was picking up through remote viewing of the Clinton Campaign Headquarters- the scene that Michelangelo was transferring to Renfield’s computer through his psychic lobster antennae.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 25th
2016.

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Michelangelo’s Psychic Visions For October 19th 2016

October 19, 2016 at 2:39 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Psychic Visions For October 19th 2016

Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster was in his aquarium where a bunch of psychic visions were entering his mind as he slept…

Hillary Clinton (addressing a group of cheering supporters in the New York Times Editorial Board Room): I promise my first act as President of the United States will be to nuke Vladimir Putin’s Russia…

Joe Biden (on an interview show): Vladimir Putin should not interfere in our election by saying he prefers Trump.
Russia’s leader should not be allowed to interfere in other countries’ elections.
What’s good enough for George Soros and us is not good enough for Vladimir Putin and the Russians…

Odoacer (in the year 476 AD): It’s time to put an end to the Western Roman Empire once and for all…

Vladimir Putin (in the year 2016): It’s time to put an end to the American Empire once and for all…

(Michelangelo woke up from his dreams in a sweat despite the fact that he was already submerged in salt water)

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 19th
2016.

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