Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

July 7, 2017 at 6:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

French UFO researcher Jacques Vallee was sipping cognac and reflecting on how it was 70 years ago today that a UFO flying saucer was said to have crashed on a ranch near the town of Roswell New Mexico.

Later the crashed vehicle was said to be just a downed weather balloon.

Although others had speculated that the crashed vehicle was a self-conscious self-aware Hoover vacuum cleaner that had a premonitory vision of the message implied in Richard Bach’s 1970s bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Vallee didn’t know what to think about the incident.

ET better phone the nearest American Automobile Association Auto Club, was that what happened ? Vallee wondered.

His housekeeper entered the room to tell Vallee about two phone calls for him.

Mikhail Gorbachev was on Line 1 and Pope Francis was on Line 2.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was currently attending the G-20 Summit in Hamburg Germany.

As he munched on his Hamburg hamburger alongside German Chancellor Angela Merkel, he reflected on the huge gaffe he had made in Ottawa at last weekend’s Canada Day 150th Anniversary.

He had mentioned every province and territory in Canada in his Canada Day speech except the province of Alberta (the home of famous Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing).

When he left the stage and was informed of his gaffe, he came back and said, “I love you, Alberta” and blew a kiss at the TV cameras causing a wide-eyed teen-aged girl in the crowd (whose name was Alberta) to swoon and faint.

Trudeau’s failure to mention Alberta had angered some Albertans who still remembered Justin’s father Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s energy wars of the 1970s and early 1980s with then Alberta Premier Peter Lougheed over control of the province’s oil and natural gas resources.

Pierre Trudeau’s National Energy Program (NEP) had siphoned billions of dollars from Alberta’s provincial coffers into his own federal government’s treasury.

After bringing in the NEP and figuratively giving Albertans the finger, Pierre Trudeau then literally gave Albertans the finger while crossing through the Province’s Rocky Mountains by train.

Justin Trudeau’s neglect in mentioning Alberta by name at the Canada 150 celebrations in the Canadian nation’s capital of Ottawa struck some Albertans as the son’s equivalent of the father’s giving them the finger.

But really, Justin reflected, it was an accident.

An accident caused by the ET gray from Nibiru named Gali-Gula making funny faces at him while he was speaking.

Justin had promised to legalize marijuana during the 2015 Canadian federal election campaign- a promise which won him numerous seats in British Columbia’s Lower Mainland.

After winning the election, Justin started his own personal one man investigation into the after effects of smoking marijuana.

And whenever he smoked pot, those were the only times that Gali-Gula (the ET gray from Nibiru whose body was possessed by the ghost of the late earthling ancient Roman Emperor Caligula) appeared to him.

Justin had resolved not to smoke any pot ahead of the Canada 150 celebrations.

That way he wouldn’t be seeing Gali-Gula and he also wouldn’t anger the crowd by eating up all the hot dogs at the hot dog stand when he got the munchies.

The trouble was when he got up on the stage, some in the crowd were celebrating Canada’s 150th birthday by smoking pot themselves and Justin had the misfortune of inhaling much of the smoke.

So then Gali-Gula appeared to him just as he was about to mention Alberta by name.

Gali-Gula stuck two fingers in both his ears and then stuck his tongue out making a funny face at the Canadian Prime Minister.

This action on the ET gray’s part totally discombobulated Justin and he forgot to mention Alberta.

Later when Justin came back and said, “I love you, Alberta”, Gali-Gula decided to fly to Alberta and land on the UFO Flying Saucer landing pad in the town of Saint Paul, Alberta built in Canada’s centennial year of 1967.

Gali-Gula’s UFO driving narrowly missed making an omelette out of the world’s largest Ukrainian coloured Easter egg near the town of Vegreville, Alberta and narrowly missed making shredded duck out of the statue of the world’s largest duck outside the town of Andrew, Alberta.

“So,” Chancellor Angela said to Prime Minister Justin over his hamburger rousing him from his thoughts, “I said to Donald, either pee or get off the pot.”

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec walked the streets of Roswell New Mexico.

She wore a black dress in mourning for the lives lost at Roswell 70 years ago.

Her Samsung mobile phone rang.

She answered.

It was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing phoning.

They chatted.

Suddenly Qonzilqointec could hear the sounds of gunfire coming from the other end of the phone.

“Dracul, what’s happening?” Qonzilqointec asked.

“Some assassins tried to shoot me,” Dracul answered, “but I shot and killed them first with my Uzi sub machine gun that was given to me as a gift by the host of the Israeli reality TV series Battle of The Rabbis: Orthodox vs. Reformed vs. Conservative vs. Golda’s Uncle’s Lox and Cream Cheese Bagel Worshiping Cult.”

“Who were the assassins?” Qonzilqointec asked, “Agents sent by an evil Transylvanian baron from his lair in the Carpathians?”.

“No,” Dracul replied, “They were operatives from the CPL.”

“CPL?” Qonzilqointec queried.

“The Calgary Public Library,” Dracul answered, “They claimed I forgot to return a book. But it wasn’t true. The only book I ever borrowed from them was an Archie comic book graphic novel called Afterlife With Archie about Jughead Jones leading a zombie apocalypse attack on the community of Riverdale. But I returned it. I even have a receipt slip showing that I did. But Calgary Public Library operatives’ instructions are to shoot first and ask questions later.”

“I see,” Qonzilqointec sighed sadly.

“So you’re at Roswell eh?” Dracul asked.

“Yes,” Qonzilqointec nodded, “wondering what happened here 70 years ago?”.

“Maybe some poor snook ET gray forgot to return a book to the Calgary Public Library so CPL operatives fired a surface-to-air missile that hit his craft just above Roswell New Mexico,” Dracul speculated.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 7th 2017.

Qonziqointec In Mourning For Roswell Crash Victims
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in mourning for the victims of the Roswell crash.

Permalink 19 Comments

Gali-Gula: From Roman Emperor To ET

August 12, 2016 at 12:56 pm (Fantasy, Ghost Story, History, Humour, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

To his surprise, the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula found himself being assassinated by his own Praetorian Guard on January 24th, 41 AD.

His last words were, “A horse. The Roman Senate for a horse. Where is the noblest Senator of them all? A true neigh-sayer as opposed to nay sayer..”

He then gave up the ghost.

Members of the Praetorian Guard ran off in search of some Caligulan Mark Antony who would come to bury Caligula rather than to praise him.

At that moment, a UFO (although the ancient Romans called them a flying chariot) hovered over Caligula’s dead body.

“This appears to be the leader,” said one ET gray to the other.

“But they just killed him,” said the other ET gray.

“It saves on the cost of a re-election campaign obviously,” the UFO commander stated.

The UFO then beamed up the dead body into the UFO.

“We’ll take it back to our planet for examination,” stated the UFO commander.

“Over my dead body,” Caligula’s ghost followed his body into the UFO.

On Planet Nibiru, Caligula’s body was dissected in a lab while Caligula’s ghost watched singing a sad mournful melody (whose lyrics he later shared with Patsy Kline), “I fall to pieces…”

Finally Niburu’s top scientist took pity on Caligula’s poor ghost and invited him to enter the frozen ET gray body of a long dead Niburuan king.

The Niburuan king who was dying of an incurable disease had his body frozen in the hopes that Niburuan medical science would find a cure for his disease.

TransNiburuan scientists who were convinced they could stumble on immortality by merging Niburuan and machine together creating niborgs worked on a solution.

Unfortunately TransNiburuan scientists put all their data in one computer.

As the leading TransNiburuan scientist watched (while sitting on and crushing the one basket where Transniburuan scientists had put all their eggs for lunch), the computer had its plug pulled by a drunken Niburuan otter who had drunk too much Otter Brew (apparently otters on Nibiru were as mischievous as their counterparts on Earth).

The resulting fiasco led to a century of TransNiburuan scientific data being lost as well as the planet’s moratorium on hunting otters being lifted.

And now Caligula’s ghost entered the long dead Niburuan king’s body as the scientist threw a switch bringing the body back to life with Caligula’s ghost inside.

It worked.

As the scientist ran to tell his colleagues that he had re-discovered one of the secrets of long lost Transniburuan scientific technology, he opened the door and not seeing the drunken otter lying there, he tripped over it, fell down the stairs and broke his neck.

So one of the secrets of long lost Transniburuan technology was again lost.

And the planet’s moratorium on hunting otters was once again lifted.

The nude ET gray (with Caligula’s ghost inside) became the commander of the Niburuan UFO ship The Gunterpunter.

Calling himself by his earthly name Caligula, the former Roman Emperor now an ET gray visited Earth. He visited the jungles of Borneo in the Malaysian province of Sarawak where he encountered a little Earthling girl.

“I am Caligula,” the ET gray pointed to himself.

“Gali-Gula,” replied the little girl who could not pronounce Caligula, “You nude. You not wearing any panties. You pervert.”

“Sherrie,” a female voice called out to the little girl.

“Andromeda,” a male voice called out to the little girl.

“Sherrie,” the female voice became a lot more insistent in its tone.

The little girl ran back into the jungle.

And Caligula the former Roman Emperor now re-named Gali-Gula the ET gray stood by himself.

How did the little girl know that he was a pervert? Gali-Gula (formerly Caligula) wondered to himself.

Had one so young read Suetonius’s The Lives of The Twelve Caesars?

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 11th 2016.

Permalink 9 Comments