Extremely Curious George
“Well, I’m sure Renfield will be happy to see you back in London, Amadeus,” Set Enterprises’ secret agent Miranda Singh remarked to Amadeus Emanon who was the best friend of British MP Renfield R. Renfield and had been living for over a year in Australia, “but I thought the Australian government wasn’t allowing you to leave Australia because they found something strange with your DNA and were wanting Australia’s intelligence agencies to investigate further.”
“That’s true but the Boss,” Amadeus was referring to his official employer the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, “sent one of his eco-friendly environmentally friendly cannabis-powered dirigible airships The Peregrine Falcon to rescue me after my Australian host Uncle Ernie had his backyard unauthorized and illegal pharmaceutical manufacturing facility raided and poor Uncle Ernie once again finds himself in jail.”
“Why was Uncle Ernie raided?” Miranda inquired.
“Xi Jinping discovered that Uncle Ernie was the major competitor and rival to the CCP illegal drug monopoly in Australia and Xi couldn’t stand having any major competitors in the Australian market,” Amadeus explained, “Many Austalian politicians depend on CCP illegal drug money to help finance their political campaigns and so when the word got out that Xi’s axe was about to fall on Uncle Ernie’s head, many Australian politicos put on their executioners’ masks.”
“Like Victoria State Dictator Daniel Andrews whose nickname is Chairman Dan?” Miranda asked.
“Yes, Andrews recently slipped on some wet stairs at his holiday home on the Mornington Peninsula a week ago,” Amadeus nodded, “surprisingly the day after Uncle Ernie gave a surprise evening performance of his drag queen show Cumelita to kangaroos and koala bears who were watching the performance through the Andrews holiday home window. It was strange the Australian police said they found traces of Uncle Ernie’s DNA on those wet stairs which leads one to speculate on what it was that Uncle Ernie was doing.”
“I’m sure a YouTube video will appear eventually showing what it was that Uncle Ernie was doing,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague remarked as he entered the room.
“Unless of course Uncle Ernie sang a song whose lyrics dispute the official Covid-19 narrative currently being espoused by the World Health Organization,” Miranda quipped, “in which case that video will be immediately banned by YouTube, Twitter and Facebook.”
“Was that a stegosaurus I just saw walking by?” Amadeus gasped as he pointed out the office window.
“Yes, Dr. Cadbury Rocher successfully cloned a stegosaurus using stegosaurus DNA found on the blood sucked by the perfectly preserved remains of a 155 million year old mosquito,” Montague smiled.
“What’s its name?” Amadeus asked.
“Extremely Curious George,” Montague answered.
“Extremely Curious George?” Amadeus repeated the name in the form of a question.
“Yes, like Curious George the monkey in the famous children’s stories and later film,” Montague nodded, “only a lot more curious.”
A strange cry is heard.
“Um,” Montague turned pale, “I think Extremely Curious George may have just examined the mouse trap I set to catch the mouse who’s been stealing my grilled cheese sandwiches.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 15th
2021.
Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka On Night of The Wolf Moon 2021
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka on the Night of The Wolf Moon
The January full moon is called the Wolf Moon and on this night a wolf was terrorizing the countryside.
It so happened that the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka was in possession of the battle axe of William Wallace the great Scottish warrior and hero of the 1st War of Scottish Independence who defeated the English Army at the Battle of Stirling Bridge in September 1297.
She also wore the painted red seal of Wallace on her head, left eye and face as she wandered through the snowy woods in search of the wolf terror.
Then Tanaka came face to face with the wolf terror.
She recognized the beast right away from ancient and medieval drawings.
It was the Norse wolf Fenrir.
It was a good thing for Tanaka that she had the great William Wallace’s battle axe with her.
Tanaka threw the Wallacian battle axe and beheaded the wolf.
The wolf’s severed head growled in the now bloody snow surrounding it after it had left its body.
In the Lupine language, the wolf had said through its growling, “I hate it when that happens.”
. . .
The Norse god Odin was staying in a cheap motel room as he would be attending an important meeting the next few days.
The only places in this town where he was staying had cheap motel rooms.
Odin had missplaced his spectacles so he was inserting a contact lens into his sole remaining eye.
He was wanting to watch the 1940 movie Waterloo Bridge starring Vivien Leigh and Robert Taylor on television.
As Odin tried to get the contact lens out of the tiny glass bottle container that it was in, he reflected back to a time in Australia when he had accidentally inserted a very small circumcized foreskin into his eye after removing it from a tiny glass bottle container.
“It belonged to some pervert who looked even worse than you did when you dressed up in drag,” Odin had said to his son Thor at the time.
After Odin had got the contact lens into his eye on this Night of the Wolf Moon, Thor came to inform his father that both Loki and Fenrir had been beheaded.
Loki had apparently been beheaded yesterday and Fenrir had been beheaded this evening.
“So,” Odin smiled, “We may not have to fight the Battle of Ragnarok after all.”
Odin and Thor then ordered pizza and take out Chinese food that they had delivered to their motel room and then proceeded to watch the 1940 version of the film Waterloo Bridge on the room’s TV.
Thor despite his tough guy macho image was bawling and sobbing like a baby by the time the movie was over.
Odin phoned down to the front desk to have another box of kleenex tissues brought up to the room.
“I’ll never be able to stand at that spot on London’s Waterloo Bridge again without bursting into tears,” Thor sobbed, “I won’t be able to look at a Buddha good luck charm without bursting into tears either.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 28th
2021.
Reblog of Aphrodite At Oxford
A vampire novel chapter I wrote from last year.
Aphrodite At Oxford
The Greek goddess Aphrodite writing her term paper on the Native American myths surrounding the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo
The Greek goddess Aphrodite had recently returned from the town of Stettler, Alberta, Canada where she had been researching Cree and Blackfoot indigenous myths on the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo.
She was putting the finishing touches on her term paper for the class she was taking in World Mythology and Folklore.
The class was taught by Prof. William Charles an Associate Professor of Mythology, Folklore, Vampirism, Lycanthropy and Paranormal Studies at Oxford.
His class was extremely popular and hard to get into.
Nevertheless the Greek goddess Aphrodite when visiting Prof. William Charles in his office before the start of this semester was able to convince the famed supernaturalist into letting her into class even though she had no previous formal education.
The…
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Christoph Cardinal Schonborn of Vienna Publicly Outs Himself As An Apostle of The Antichrist
Amadeus Emanon was reading the Facebook status comment of a geopolitical analyst friend of British MP Renfield R. Renfield:
“The pro-sodomite, pro-gay sexy orgy, pro-allowing filthy drag queen shows to be performed at the High Altar of Saint Stephen’s Cathedral in Vienna Cardinal Archbishop of Vienna Christoph Schonborn is an Apostle of the Antichrist.
And judging from remarks he made today on the U.S. election and the Capitol Hill siege in Washington DC (which the satanic Neo-Bolshevik Left in America is going to use to abolish civil liberties in America (when Biden is sworn in) in the same way the Nazis used the German Reichstag fire of February 27th 1933 to abolish civil liberties in Germany) Schonborn is also a Marxist-Leninist Neo-Bolshevik Neo-Communist as well.
Christoph Schonborn is of his father, the Father of Lies, the Devil.
Unless he repents and turns to Christ and His Holy Mother, he shall burn forever in the outer darkness of the flames of the Lake of Fire where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
“I wonder why I was never invited to perform Cumelita at the High Altar of Saint Stephen’s Cathedral in Vienna,” Australia’s notorious Uncle Ernie wondered aloud as he scratched his chin and scratched other parts of his anatomy after Amadeus had finished reading aloud the Facebook status.
“Perhaps Cardinal Schonborn didn’t want to get a head start on being plunged head first into the Lake of Fire,” Amadeus suggested.
“What did you mean by that?” A perplexed Uncle Ernie asked Amadeus.
The aging and well past his prime drag queen then turned his attention to the kitchen and screamed, “Where the Hell did all those flames come from?”.
“Uncle Ernie!” His adopted niece by marriage exclaimed, “You should never have left your Driver’s License lying around in front of those koala bears you taught how to read. They made you a birthday cake and lit all the candles of your exact age on it.”
“Help!” Help! Fire! Fire!” Uncle Ernie’s adopted nephew by merciful adoption rather than biology opened the front door and went running into the street.
The local fire department soon beat a red path to the kitchen door.
. . .
Xi Jinping’s supernatural spirit entity advisor the Black Dragon was having a meeting with the fallen angel Mephistopheles and his incredibly dim witted protege Joe Biden.
“Comrade Mephisto,” the Black Dragon read aloud from a list of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) demands, “The Party would like to know if you would allow the Red State to be able to harvest the organs of Donald Trump supporters since you’ll have no use for them in the New Soviet state.”
“Joe, what do you think?” Mephistopheles turned to the President-elect who was busy sniffing the hair of the young woman sitting next to him.
“Hell, why not?” Joe grinned, “I can sign an Executive Order to that effect”
. . .
Meanwhile a beautiful young woman suddenly woke up in a small town in Kansas:
“I have seen the Future. And it doesn’t work.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 15th
2020.
Renfield’s Global Zoom Press Conference
Amadeus Emanon had been living in Australia for almost a year.
He had been stranded here by the pandemic.
He and his girlfriend the New Orleans vampiress Angelique Dumont had been staying in the house of the infamous Uncle Ernie (a house that was actually owned by Uncle Ernie’s adopted nephew who got down on his knees every day and thanked God that Uncle Ernie wasn’t a blood relative).
“I wonder why those men and women from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation were so anxious to extract large quantities of my DNA last year in 2019,” Uncle Ernie mumbled to himself as he happily set about his task of trying to make scrambled fossilized dinosaur eggs.
The news story on the radio was about how the UK, then Canada and then the U.S. were rolling out the Covid-19 vaccine.
Amadeus was on his laptop to watch a Zoom global press conference that his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield was hosting.
Renfield sat in his parliamentary office gazing at the camera on his laptop while reporters from all over the world asked him questions.
Between each reporter’s question, the picture on the wall just behind Renfield was always changed.
Beautiful women dressed in short skirts and white t-shirts that said PRO SEX LEAGUE OPPOSED TO ORWELLIAN 1984 ANTI-SEX LEAGUE came in to change the picture behind Renfield when a new reporter appeared on Zoom to ask a question.
Soon it came to the turn of U.S. reporters to ask a question.
3 reporters from each country were allowed to ask one question each of Renfield.
As the first U.S. reporter asked a question, the short skirted and tight white shirted PRO SEX GIRLS put up a poster showing Bill Gates and Dr. Anthony Fauci standing together while the caption read WOULD YOU BUY A USED VACCINE FROM THESE MEN?
As the 2nd U.S. reporter asked a question, the short skirted and tight white shirted PRO SEX GIRLS put up a poster of U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi while the caption read WOULD YOU BOOK A HAIRDRESSING APPOINTMENT FOR THIS WOMAN?
As the 3rd U.S. reporter asked a question, the short skirted and tight white shirted PRO SEX GIRLS put up a poster of a despondent looking Hunter Biden while the caption read WOULD YOU SELL CRACK COCAINE TO THIS MAN?
As the 1st reporter from the Vatican City State rose to ask a question, the short skirted and tight white shirted PRO SEX GIRLS put up a poster whose caption read PACHAMAMA SUCKS and the picture showed an elegantly dressed red evening gown wearing Inca Earth Mother goddess Pachamama on her knees kneeling in front of Renfield who didn’t appear to be wearing any trousers or boxer shorts.
Pachamama the Inca Earth Mother Goddess
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 10th
2020.
Renfield Takes On Communist Covid-1984 Tech Giants
It had been brought to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s attention that the social media tech giants were censoring, suspending and banning a whole bunch of people in the wake of the 2020 U.S. Presidential election.
“Future historians will look back and say,” Sir Winston Churchill’s ghost remarked to Renfield, “that they first started to impose the 21st Century variant of Communist totalitarianism in the virtual digital world before moving on to the real world.”
Orson Welles’ ghost drinking a spectral glass of spectral red wine agreed.
“Something must be done to stop this,” Renfield put on his dark sunglasses.
Renfield, who already had a YouTube account, opened a Facebook and Twitter account as well and started commenting on the Democrats’ crooked shenanigans in the recent 2020 U.S. Presidential election.
Sure enough he was permanently banned from both sites after having been a member for only a couple of hours.
YouTube following phone calls from Facebook, Twitter, George Soros, Pope Francis and Xi Jinping also permanently banned Renfield as well.
Renfield also received a nasty phone call from Russian President Vladimir Putin saying that Set Enterprises’ 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit secret agent Harvey Tallbanger injecting the Russian leader with a hemorrhoid inducing serum was the cause of the onset of his Parkinson’s Disease which would be forcing him to resign next year.
“Well so far you appear to be upsetting the Communist applecart more than Steve Bannon ever did,” Churchill’s ghost lit himself a cigar.
“Yes, Twitter and Facebook banned you only a couple of hours after you joined,” Welles’ ghost pointed out.
“And Twitter, Facebook and YouTube are going to unban me,” Renfield said.
Renfield borrowed Yaldabaoth’s pet pterodactyl from Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun.
The leprechaun was visiting London after recently returning from Sleepy Hollow of Headless Horseman fame.
The wee fellow with the huge drinking problem was visiting London because he hadn’t heard about the lockdown.
Sadly for him, there was no place to get a drink.
As for Renfield, he flew Yaldabaoth’s pet pterodactyl Hovering Voyeurius Over Raquelis Welchius (Hovering for short) to Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s home.
“You’re going to unban me from Facebook,” Renfield informed Zuckerberg.
“Like Hell I am,” Zuckerberg sneered.
Renfield finished his cup of chai tea and put it on the counter of Zuckerberg’s kitchen.
“Hey, you’re not practicing social distancing,” Zuckerberg screamed as Renfield placed the Facebook CEO’s testicles into a vise which the British MP proceeded to tighten.
Within minutes, Zuckerberg had agreed to permanently unban Renfield from Facebook.
Next Renfield flew the pterodactyl named Hovering (for short) to Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey’s house.
Within a few minutes of having his own testicles firmly ensconsed in the grip of Renfield’s vise, the Twitter CEO likewise agreed to permanently unban Renfield from Twitter.
Once again in the air flying upon the pterodactyl Hovering, Renfield, as he ate a bowl of take out chop suey with chopsticks, mused to himself, “For some reason, I’m reminded of something the late former U.S. President Richard M. Nixon once said, “If you’ve got a man by the balls, his heart and mind is sure to follow.” And coming up next is YouTube CEO..”.
Renfield noticed he had a problem.
YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki was a woman.
This called for a different sort of approach.
Notorious Australian drag queen Uncle Ernie found himself being abducted in a non-social distancing bath house in Sydney by a group of Norse Valkyries who owed Renfield a favour.
Uncle Ernie then was made to perform his Drag Queen show in front of YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki.
“All right, all right,” Ms. Wojcicki screamed after a few minutes of Uncle Ernie riding his toy horsie and singing Home On The Range, “You’re unbanned.”
“Unbanned? Well, I must say this is certainly a first for me,” Uncle Ernie commented.
“Not you, you imbecile who would probably fail at an audition for the role of Charley’s Aunt in the Brandon Thomas play,” Ms. Wojcicki raged and foamed, “Renfield is permanently unbanned from YouTube. Only please get this freak out of here.”
Susan Wojcicki pointed at Uncle Ernie.
“But,” Uncle Ernie protested as he was carried away by a group of winged Valkyries, “It’s not only Brazil where all the nuts come from.”
The Renfieldian War against Covid-1984 Communism had begun.
The first shots were fired not at Fort Sumter.
But at Uncle Ernie’s backside by sling shot carrying neighbourhood schoolchildren as the notorious Australian drag queen and uncertified pharmaceutical manufacturer flew overhead being carried in the arms of Valkyries.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 6th
2020.
Moloch Remembers A Disciple While Justin Wants To Cancel Thanksgiving
The demon Moloch (invisible to most except those wearing Dr. Cadbury Rocher Polaroid sunglasses but there weren’t many of those) stood on the steps of the U.S. Capitol as a funeral service was being held for one of his favourite disciples who had kicked the bucket last Friday.
Unfortunately Moloch’s brother Baal and his demonic partner in crime Baphomet were unable to find a young virgin vampiress in time and rip out the vampiress’ heart and burn her body so that Moloch’s and their disciple might live a while longer.
A sacrifice of the Inca vampiress Huchuysisa back in January of this year had allowed Moloch’s disciple to live another 9 moths.
Unfortunately a couple of days later the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the ghost of Orson Welles had poured Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Phoenix Rising Vampiress Resurrection Elixir all over Huchuysisa’s ashes and brought her back from the dead.
Moloch’s disciple had to be hospitalized a few months later after seeing Australian performer Uncle Ernie perform his Marlene Dietrich dance routine in the associate Supreme Court Justice’s private washroom cubicle.
She had to be hospitalized again a few weeks after that after watching a viral video of Uncle Ernie performing the same dance routine when she accidentally typed in the wrong url on her laptop.
Then last Friday after seeing a holographic image (projected by Set Enterprises drones) of Uncle Ernie doing his most unkosher impersonation ever of Sesame Street’s Miss Piggy, Moloch’s disciple had finally given up the ghost.
She had lain in state first in the Supreme Court building and later in the halls of Congress.
Moloch wondered whether he’d ever again find such a devoted disciple.
. . .
Earlier this week in an address to the Canadian nation, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told Canadians that due to the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus (although he used the WHO politically correct term Covid-19), “It’s all too likely we won’t be gathering for Thanksgiving but we still have a shot at Christmas.”
Canadian Thanksgiving is celebrated on the 2nd Monday in October (whereas in the U.S it is celebrated on the last Thursday in November).
Later in a meeting with his supernatural advisor Tezcatlipoca the Aztec god of smoking mirrors (whom he communicated with via a marijuana pot smoking late Victorian/early Edwardian antique mirror called Magical Mystery Tour), Justin was shocked to discover that he didn’t have the jurisdictional power to cancel Thanksgiving.
Tears started running down his Al Jolson minstral show blackface, “I suppose I don’t have the jurisdictional power to cancel Christmas either.”
Being the good Marxist that he was, Justin didn’t believe in people having fun.
He was first planning to cancel Thanksgiving in October and then Christmas in December.
His plans of being a Maoist grinch had come to nought.
How Justin wished he was Daniel Andrews the Premier of Victoria state in Australia and then he could do whatever the Hell he wanted.
The Global TV News Canada disinformation branch of the New World Order Ministry of Propoganda had finished their 5:30 PM Evening broadcast tonight (after their usual regurgitation of hardcore Marxism in the broadcast exemplified by Communist asshole Global correspondent in the U.S. Jackson Proskow’s Marxist-Leninist slant on American politics) by longing for a Daniel Andrews style lockdown in Canada.
How many of the Canadian sheeple baaaaed appreciatively at Dawna Friesen’s departing pronouncement remains to be seen.
. . .
The Inca vampiress Huchuysisa (on vacation in the Bahamas) was happy she managed to evade capture and being sacrificed by the demons Baal and Baphomet again in order that Moloch’s most devoted disciple on the U.S. Supreme Court might live.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 25th
2020.
Uncle Ernie, The Koala With Chlamydia and Eulogy For Falstaff
Back on July 14th of this year, the satanic old bat Ruth Bader Ginsburg had to be hospitalized at John Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland.
The cause of her hospitalization was that notorious Australian entertainer and queen of the outback drag queens better known as Uncle Ernie.
Uncle Ernie was flown from the Australian outback (where he was found out back making unsanctioned pharmaceuticals) to Washington DC in the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s cannabis oil powered environmentally friendly eco-friendly dirigible.
Uncle Ernie had been hired by Set to give a private performance for Justice Ginsburg in her private chambers’ personal washroom in the Supreme Court Building in Washington DC.
Uncle Ernie went into the Supreme Court Building dressed as Marlene Dietrich in the 1930 German film The Blue Angel when her character of cabaret singer Lola-Lola sang the song Falling In Love Again.
Ginsburg entered her private washroom cubicle just as Uncle Ernie exited.
Uncle Ernie dressed as the fishnet wearing Marlene Dietrich held a stuffed toy koala bear between his legs as he performed his rarely ever requested musical dance number that he had entitled The Koala With Chlamydia.
The site of Uncle Ernie dressed as Marlene Dietrich’s character of Lola-Lola from The Blue Angel holding a stuffed toy koala bear between his legs as he sang The Koala With Chlamydia to the tune of the song Falling In Love Again was too much for satanic old bat Ruth Bader Ginsburg to handle.
Her heart gave out on her.
She was taken to John Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland.
The demons Baal and Baphomet quickly found a beautiful young vampiress (who had been a vampiress less than a year) and ripped her heart out giving it to Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a replacement.
Then two days ago, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was reviewing some music videos that the Democratic National Committee was thinking of playing at the virtual Democratic Party convention online at the moment senility prone Joe Biden announced his Vice-Presidential running mate.
And one of the videos was of Uncle Ernie dressed as Marlene Dietrich from The Blue Angel and holding a stuffed toy koala bear between his fishnet legs as he performed his rarely ever requested musical dance number The Koala With Chlamydia.
This was again too much for satanic old bat Ruth Bader Ginsburg to handle.
Once again the demons Baal and Baphomet quickly found a beautiful young vampiress (who had been a vampiress less than a year) and ripped her heart out giving it to Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a replacement.
Today Ruth Bader Ginsburg was released from a New York City hospital.
She was wheeled in her wheelchair past a group of supporters- a bunch of pro-abortion women who were all wearing mandatory face masks and all wearing t-shirts that read NO GOVERNMENT IS TELLING ME WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY BODY.
. . .
The ghosts of Orson Welles, Sir John Gielgud and Sir Laurence Olivier were all sitting as social distancing spectral judges in the front row of the Old Vic Theatre in London.
They were judging an online competition where livestream video performances were shown on the wall at the back of the stage.
The performance being judged was Mistress Quickly’s eulogy on Falstaff delivered in Act II, scene iii of Shakespeare’s Henry V.
The last contestant was from Australia.
Uncle Ernie dressed as Marlene Dietrich from The Blue Angel and holding a toy stuffed koala bear between his legs.
Uncle Ernie stroked and played with the bear as he recited his lines:
Nay sure, he’s not in Hell!
He’s in Arthur’s bosom,
if ever man went to Arthur’s bosom.
He made a finer end
and went away an it
had it been any christom child.
He parted ev’n just between twelve and one
ev’n at the turnin’ o’ the tide;
for after I saw him fumble with the sheets
and play with flowers
and smile upon his finger’s end….
…So he cried out ‘God!’ ‘God’! ‘God’! three or four times!
Now, I, to comfort him,
bid him he should not think of God…
… So he bade me lay more clothes upon his feet.
I put my hand into the bed and felt them,
and they were as cold as any stone.
Then I felt to his knees,
and so upward and upward,
and all was as cold as any stone.
With that Uncle Ernie as Mistress Quickly finished his eulogy for Falstaff.
The ghost of Orson Welles quickly downed a 10 litre spectral bottle of spectral red wine.
After a pause of about half an hour, Welles remarked, “That’s a performance of Mistress Quickly’s eulogy for Falstaff that I’ll never forget.”
The ghosts of Olivier and Gielgud nodded their assent.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 31st
2020.
