Kissing The Baphomet
The Baphomet wholeheartedly approves of the U.S. Supreme Court’s latest idiotic 6-3 Supreme Court decision.
This is what happens when you name a bunch of Freemasons to the Supreme Court.
You get a bunch of satanic occultic judicial celebrations in honour of sexual perversions, debauchery and abominations.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was looking at some photographs taken by Set Enterprises Intelligence Units of six U.S. Supreme Court judges involved in a ritual ceremony where they were kissing the buttocks of the living Baphomet as opposed to a Baphomet statue (which were the only statues approved of by the Neo-Bolshevik Communists currently rioting and looting and tearing down statues across the United States and in much of the Western world).
There was some momentary consternation when Chief Justice John Roberts got his lips stuck to the living Baphomet’s buttocks.
Some “Holy” Water blessed by Pope Francis was thrown on the spectacle to see if that would detach the said Chief Justice’s lips from the said Baphomet’s buttocks.
But instead it served as a spiritual form of Crazy Glue binding the Chief Justice’s lips to the Baphomet’s buttocks even further.
Finally a welder (whose unofficial title was Court Arsonist to the Court of George Soros and a person wracking up the frequent flyer miles as he flew back and forth across U.S. cities where coincidentally various city districts went up in flames prior to his leaving) was brought in to burn Roberts’ lips off Baphomet’s buttocks.
“This definitely marks the end of the United States of America,” Renfield mused aloud as he looked at the photographs, “The country will end up being destroyed either in a Neo-Bolshevik insurrection or civil war or one massive steam bath house orgy (livestreamed on Facebook and Twitter) if not a combination of all 3. And history will record the United States of America as being unique in that it was a society that went from barbarism to decadence without ever having achieved an intermediate state of civilization.”
. . .
Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie was working in his backyard illegal and unregulated pharmaceutical manufacturing facility when he noted an environmentally eco-friendly cannabis oil powered dirigible airship flying overhead.
At first, Uncle Ernie assumed it was a creation of his own mind (or what little was left of it) due to the formula for creating a horned toad venom laced pizza that he was working with that originated in a Los Angeles based pizzaria that was called the Breasts of Marianne de Lilith Pizzaria.
However the captain of the ship after coming down a rope to the ground informed Uncle Ernie that the ship was very much real.
The ship belonged to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Set was hoping to show the world that U.S. Associate Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a hypocrate and a judicial version of Nancy Pelosi.
What she Ginsburg decreed for the masses of the nation she would never have for herself.
Set hoped to prove this point by flying Uncle Ernie to Washington DC.
Uncle Ernie would go to the Supreme Court dressed as one of his many stage female persona characters and enter Associate Justice Ginsburg’s judge’s chambers and use her own private washroom.
Uncle Ernie would be wearing a mosquito sized bodycam at the top of his brassiere peering out from the top of his low-cut evening gown and would record Justice Ginsburg’s reaction for all the world to see.
Uncle Ernie agreed to the trip (which would be of a non-hallucinogenic nature).
He wondered which one of his stage female persona he should go into Justice Ginsburg’s private washroom dressed as.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 15th
2020.
Origins of May The Fourth
Origins of May The Fourth
Back in the mid-1970s as George Lucas was holding auditions for the voice of Darth Vader for his upcoming Star Wars motion picture, among those auditioning for the voice role were writer and actor Truman Capote.
This was the line all audition participants were to speak when auditioning for the Darth Vader voice role, “May the Force be with you.”
Then it came Truman Capote’s turn to audition.
Truman Capote (speaking with his usual fruity lisp): May the fourth be with you.
Thinking that for a galactic villain whose voice was supposed to send chills down audience spines and make their blood run cold, the makers of Star Wars settled for the deep baritone voice of James Earl Jones instead.
However back in the early 2000s, an Australian with the popular nickname of Uncle Ernie found the Truman Capote audition video tape in an old Star Wars lunch box he found in some old cupboards in his backyard unregulated and illegal pharmaceutical manufacturing lab.
And a legend was born.
Since that time, May the Fourth became known as International Star Wars Day.
As May the Force Be With You became Truman Capote’s immortal May the Fourth Be With You.
. . .
“Beam me up, Scotty,” William Shatner spoke to his AI automated dispenser of his favourite brand of toilet paper as he sat on his starship throne.
. . .
Meanwhile in the catacombs of Paris, Marmalade Montague the eccentric former baker who had recently proclaimed himself Court Scientist to the Court of Louis Quatorze overheard a plot by a group of Grand Orient Lodge Freemasons to turn Notre Dame Cathedral into a New Age Freemasonic Temple.
Said the Grand Orient Lodge master, “I’ve been told by the Divine Falcon Headed Human Body Hybrid Horus himself that a world altering miracle will happen this coming May 14th.”
“That’s the same day Pope Francis told all the religions of the world to pray together isn’t it?” the Lodge secretary inquired.
“It is,” the Grand Orient Lodge master answered.
Marmalade Montague decided he better exit the catacombs before his presence was noted.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 4th
2020.
The Greek goddess Aphrodite pointing downwards at a snake slithering along the floor of one of the Vatican Museum halls.
Sherrielock Holmes’ Night On The Town
Sherrielock Holmes’ Night On The Town
Immortal London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (twin sister of the not so-literally immortal detective Sherlock Holmes who is dead and the immortal but extremely young looking great grandmother of Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was sending out quite the positive vibe in the London nightclub lounge she was sitting in.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had already accidentally knocked over the table he was sitting at due to the positive vibe he was getting.
Boyfriends were getting into trouble with their girlfriends and husbands were getting into trouble with their wives due to the vibe they were getting.
“No sign of the Coronavirus here,” a British NHS worker remarked as he stuck his head into the nightclub lounge.
“But never have I seen such a wide spread of satyriasis since the days of the great god Pan,” British Prime Minister Boris Johnson (who had majored in Classics at Oxford) remarked to his NHS guide who was giving him a nighttime tour of how Britain’s NHS was coping with the Coronavirus in London.
Renfield R. Renfield had meanwhile taken a picture of Sherrielock Holmes with his smartphone.
He immediately text messaged Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie with the pic.
Uncle Ernie who was in the shower and checking text messages on his (hopefully for him – water proof!) smartphone immediately broke into a chorus of “I’m having the time of my life, I’ve never felt this way before…”.
“Uncle Ernie is sounding even more exuberant in the shower than his usual exuberant self,” the Australian poet David Redpath’s wife remarked to David.
“He is,” David had to admit.
The sound of one of the bathroom walls coming down around the shower could be heard.
“It looks like we may have to call in carpenters to replace one of the bathroom walls,” David’s wife commented.
David was trying to think to himself what Bob Dylan would write when confronted with such a situation.
Meanwhile back in London, Renfield was approaching Sherrielock Holmes’ table.
“I see you’re happy to see me,” Sherrielock remarked wryly.
“As always,” Renfield commented as he sat down.
“I hear my great grandson Cadbury had to bring back U.S. Vice-President Mike Pence from the brink of death,” Sherrielock sipped her drink.
“Yes, one of the City of London’s leading public relations firms was brought in to cover up that whole Coronavirus hitting the White House fiasco as the Trump Administration doesn’t seem to be doing such a good job of covering up such things themselves,” Renfield ordered a gin and tonic from the waiter.
“I hear Pope Francis has asked Hades to release Asclepius from the Underworld to help the Pontiff recover from Coronavirus,” Sherrielock licked a cherry from her drink which caused many men in the lounge to faint.
“That’s what I’ve heard,” Renfield nodded, “And an ET starship has apparently arrived from the constellation Ophiuchus (“the Serpent Holder”) as well since the Jesuit archivists in the Vatican Library aren’t sure which version of the Asclepius myth is true. Although they universally agree that nothing in the Bible is true.”
“I’ve heard that Pope Francis has cancelled his May 14th date for his Vatican Global Compact On Education Event and moved it to October 15th of this year due to his fears over the Coronavirus,” Sherrielock ordered another drink from the waiter.
“Yes his announcement of the New Humanism (which is really his proclamation that henceforth the belief of the Catholic Church is to be 17th Century Puritan Neo-Arianism and 18th Century Deist Unitarianism) will have to wait a few months,” Renfield sipped his gin and tonic.
“I understand a lot of celebrations of the Mass in the Catholic Church have been cancelled due to the Coronavirus,” Sherrielock took her drink from the waiter.
“And they probably won’t be brought back once Pope Francis proclaims the New Humanism,” Renfield nodded, “In fulfillment of Daniel 12:11 “From the time that the Daily Sacrifice is abolished and the Abomination that causes Desolation is set up, there will be 1290 days.” I ran into Amadeus’ friend Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the Church of England’s leading exorcist this evening and in his opinion he says that it’s the Daily Sacrifice of the Mass is what restrains the Coming of the Antichrist according to Father Aidan’s interpretation of 2nd Thessalonians 2:6.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 7th
2020.
Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus
Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus
Justin entered the mirror.
And felt the wet sand under his feet.
What happened to his shoes and socks he wondered?
The Basilides gnostic god Abraxas had them on his two feet (which were heads of serpents) in another dimension.
Walking through two inter-dimensional portal mirrors on the same night can cause stuff to go missing.
Which was always the noted Australian entertainer Uncle Ernie’s explanation whenever his g-string style jock strap fell off while he was on the stage in his drag queen show and the audience could see what he had (or lack thereof!).
Justin looked at the vampiress who stood before him.
“A little bird tells me that you’re the Countess Draculina the daughter of Count Dracula,” Justin spoke with his usual meandering manner of speaking.
Countess Draculina leaned forward and shouted “Boo!”.
The little hummingbird on Justin’s shoulder flew away.
“I didn’t know there was a full moon tonight,” Justin looked at the full moon and the Scottish castle behind Countess Draculina.
“That is an illusion,” Draculina laughed, “caused by a great searchlight (invented by Nikola Tesla) casting its full moon signal into the air.”
“Will signs and wonders never cease?” Justin used a fine tooth comb to remove gray hairs from his hair.
“Those signs and wonders will soon increase and increase,” Draculina licked the blood off her lips just as an Australian wombat (who was actually Uncle Ernie shapeshifting from another dimension) crawled up and licked the blood off her breasts atop her low-cut gothic attire mini dress.
“And what is the purpose of all these signs and wonders?” Justin asked as he inhaled pot smoke that was being exhaled by a pot smoking Arctic walrus that had just crawled on to the shore from the sea.
The ghost of John Lennon appeared on one of the high towers of the distant Scottish castle and began singing a paraphrased version of one of his old hits, “Imagine all the people worshipping the Antichrist… someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 24th
2020.
Aphrodite At Oxford
Aphrodite At Oxford
The Greek goddess Aphrodite writing her term paper on the Native American myths surrounding the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo
The Greek goddess Aphrodite had recently returned from the town of Stettler, Alberta, Canada where she had been researching Cree and Blackfoot indigenous myths on the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo.
She was putting the finishing touches on her term paper for the class she was taking in World Mythology and Folklore.
The class was taught by Prof. William Charles an Associate Professor of Mythology, Folklore, Vampirism, Lycanthropy and Paranormal Studies at Oxford.
His class was extremely popular and hard to get into.
Nevertheless the Greek goddess Aphrodite when visiting Prof. William Charles in his office before the start of this semester was able to convince the famed supernaturalist into letting her into class even though she had no previous formal education.
The subject Underwater Basketweaving While Emerging From A Giant Oyster Shell On The Beaches of Cyprus wasn’t considered a valid academic course in the view of Oxford University.
Although it was recognized by most American colleges and universities as such in order to get the best high school athletes into their college football and basketball programs.
But after a little gentle persuasion from Aphrodite, the famed supernaturalist let the goddess into his class.
Outside the window of the Greek goddess Aphrodite’s dorm room, the Greek god Ares was endeavouring to get inside as he hadn’t seen his sometime girlfriend ever since she started at Oxford.
It just so happened that strolling along the grounds between the various halls and dormitories was the Celtic stag god Cernunnos with his trusted crossbow and arrow (that he used to kill deer hunters).
Cernunnos was heading to an Oxford artists’ studio where he would be posing as a model and subject for Oxford art students to draw and paint.
The original model scheduled for today’s art session had been an Australian named Uncle Ernie (who had once modelled for Salvador Dali).
But Uncle Ernie had been arrested at London’s Heathrow Airport earlier today for trying to enter the country illegally.
When the totally nude and jock less Uncle Ernie had approached the female UK Customs and Immigration officer and said, “I have nothing to declare”, the agent looking at the body parts Uncle Ernie was trying to cover said that she wholeheartedly agreed but nonetheless facial recognition had determined that Uncle Ernie was on Interpol’s watch list of “characters of dubious reputation and ill repute”.
Within seconds, Uncle Ernie found himself on the floor in handcuffs.
Meanwhile back at the Quad on Oxford, Cernunnos had shot the Greek god Ares in the backside with an arrow.
The resulting commotion and screaming caused Aphrodite to open her dorm window which sent Ares plummeting to the Quad grounds below.
Seeing as how Ares was an Olympian immortal, all he would suffer on this day was a pain in the neck and a pain in the backside.
Aphrodite meanwhile grabbed her finished term paper and headed to Prof. William Charles’ office.
The two spent hours long into the Oxonian night discussing the Native American myth of how the great horned buffalo came to be.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 3rd
2020
Part 2 Mr. Inn Lu: International Man of Mystery
Part 2 Mr. Inn Lu: International Man of Mystery
The reclusive Sydney Australia billionaire Mr. Inn Lu was being interviewed by a reporter for America’s Sci-Fi Channel.
“Well, Mr. Lu,” the reporter said, “I don’t know if our audience will believe that you are in fact a time traveler who was once a scientist, inventor and palace court official serving a Ming Dynasty Emperor in Beijing who got caught up in a time warp brought about when scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland had one too many martinis on the job before they started firing up the old inter-dimensional time tunnel and you suddenly found yourself in Sydney Australia in the year 1900. Or that you had developed a potion of immortality before you got caught in the time warp. But the story should be right up their Sci-Fi alley.”
“Always glad to help people find what’s up their alley,” Mr. Inn Lu smiled.
“And is your name really Inn Lu?” The reporter asked, “None of the professors of Medieval Chinese History we talked to found any record of a court official serving in a Ming Dynasty palace court who had the name Inn Lu.”
“My real name is a cosmic top secret,” Mr. Inn Lu continued to smile, “I have not told any Australian Security Intelligence Organization (ASIO) official what my real name is. Otherwise the whole world would know my real name by the next morning since ASIO operatives are such blabber mouths.”
“So how did you get the name Inn Lu?” The Sci-Fi Channel Reporter asked.
“Well when I suddenly found myself transported through time and place from the Ming Dynasty palace court in Beijing to Sydney Australia in the year 1900,” Inn Lu explained, “the first place I wound up was in a washroom in a beer parlour in Sydney. The first person who came through the washroom door at the time I made my cosmic arrival was someone whose name I later discovered was Goliath Rougechemin. When he saw me dressed in my resplendent Ming Dynasty court robes standing in the midst of the beer parlour washroom, he said to me, “How did a person like you come to be in the loo?”. Since I didn’t know English at the time, the only words I caught was “in” and “loo”. That suddenly became my name although I changed it to Inn Lu.”
“And we understand that the recent PRC Ministry of State Security official who defected from Communist China to Australia is hiding in one of your safe houses? The intelligence operative code named Wang Ho?” The Sci-Fi Channel reporter asked.
“That’s right,” Inn Lu nodded, “Although his code name was recently changed from Wang Ho to Wang Chung “for security reasons” or so the memo said. Actually the whole thing was supposed to be a top secret operation although ASIO operatives have been blabbing about the whole operation in the Comments sections of WordPress blogs all over the world so it isn’t so top secret anymore.”
“Well, we thank you for granting us this interview,” the Sci-Fi reporter smiled.
“Always a pleasure talking to members of the Press,” Inn Lu smiled back.
Inn Lu’s Samsung Galaxy smart phone went off.
A text message.
“Should I go?” The reporter asked, “Is the message top secret?”.
“Oh no,” Inn Lu shook his head, “It’s from a friend of mine. A rather eccentric character who calls himself Uncle Ernie. He’s worried because it suddenly occurred to him that a package of his special fruit gummy bears he sent out containing his 72 special and secret ingredients he might have inadvertently mailed to the wrong address. He may have sent it to the person’s place of work rather than his home address.”
. . .
Donald Trump entered the Oval Office of the White House.
He suddenly noticed something on his desk that he didn’t recall seeing before.
“Hm,” said Trump who just loved grabbing things, “Nice of one of my secret service agents to leave this bag of gummy bears lying around.”
Trump started eating the gummy bears.
Half an hour later, one of the Secret Service agents entered the Oval Office just as the Donald was standing on top of his desk flapping his arms as if they were bird’s wings and shouting, “Woo! Hoo! I can fly!”.
“Um… Mr. President?” Said the Secret Service agent, “Did you happen to see a bag of fruit gummy bears lying around? I accidentally left them behind.”
“They were on my desk,” the Donald smiled, “I ate them all.”
The Donald starts to sing in Stanley Holloway Alfred P. Doolittle fashion from My Fair Lady, “I’m getting impeached in the morning. Ding! Dong! The bells are going to chime! …. Pull out the stopper! Let’s have a whopper! But get me to the House on time!”.
“Um… Mr. President?” The Secret Service agent pointed outside the Oval Office window, “What’s a large dirigible airship doing landing on the White House lawn?”.
“I ordered it,” the Donald replied, “as part of an impromptu Thanksgiving Day parade in Washington DC tomorrow. I’m going to fly in it along with a whole bunch of turkeys tomorrow. Then 50 feet above the Lincoln Memorial, the turkeys and I will jump out of the dirigible and fly towards the ground.”
The Secret Service agent held in his hands an old magazine from the 1980s (he had been visiting a dentist’s office that afternoon).
And in the magazine was an interview with Donald Trump who said that one of his favourite TV shows of all time was WKRP In Cincinnati.
He told the magazine interviewer that he had watched every single episode of WKRP In Cincinnati except one.
The secret service agent said to himself, “What the Democrats so far have failed to do, missing a single episode of WKRP In Cincinnati may succeed.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 27th
2019.
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Sophie Gregoire Trudeau (wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau) was in their family mansion in Ottawa when she suddenly noticed a light on in the greenhouse outside.
She hadn’t seen a light on in the greenhouse since the days her husband’s pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever inhabited the place.
Then the greenhouse light was on all the time whenever her husband was home.
Justin would go and inhale Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke so he could truthfully tell the media that he didn’t personally smoke marijuana.
However that changed nearly a year ago when Chinese Communist agents from Beijing cactusnapped Strawberry Fields Forever from the greenhouse in retaliation for Canada’s arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.
Then over the summer, Strawberry Fields Forever finally ended up being murdered by his Chinese Communist captors since Meng Wanzhou still hadn’t been released from Canada.
Sophie was actually pleased when Strawberry Fields Forever had been cactusnapped because her husband stopped blabbing about getting advice from Gali-Gula the Caligula’s spirit possessed ET Gray from the planet Nibiru- an entity that her husband always saw whenever he inhaled pot smoke.
People might start thinking he was a lunatic if he engaged in such talk.
Sadly for her, Justin had recently decided to get Set Enterprises’ famous research scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher of London to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant for him.
With this in mind, Justin had sent Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot smoking sheriff of Calypso’s Bosom (an Aquarian Age hippy commune on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula- a sort of New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical Brigadoon- with the cosmically inclined “far out” village emerging from its pot smoke filled mists once every 7 years) down to the Arizona desert to pick up a new cactus plant for Dr. Cadbury Rocher to clone.
Apparently Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman had cut off a slice of cactus from a cactus plant that the Hopi tribe of Arizona regarded as sacred.
The slice of cactus had been flown by Government of Canada jet from Arizona to London this past weekend.
It apparently took Dr. Cadbury Rocher approximately 4 to 6 weeks to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant.
Dr. Rocher did promise Justin however that he should have the new pot smoking desert cactus plant ready by Christmas.
It would definitely give the lines of that Christmas carol “Angels we have heard on high” a whole new meaning Sophie thought to herself when her husband Justin had told her the “good news”.
So if the pot smoking cactus plant wouldn’t be ready until Christmas, what were the lights doing on in the greenhouse? Sophie wondered to herself.
She went out to investigate.
She looked through the greenhouse window where she got the shock of her life.
She stormed through the greenhouse door.
“Justin, what the Hell do you think you’re doing?” Sophie called out angrily.
Justin was wearing a green turban on his head and had his face painted green with green face makeup.
He was inhaling marijuana smoke from a tiny desert cactus plant that was wearing a mini-skirt and giggling like a teen-aged school girl.
“Oh hi, dear,” the green-faced Justin Trudeau grinned, “this is Material Girl from Australia. She’s one of two original plant clippings off Strawberry Fields Forever that I had given to the noted Australian poet David Redpath. She and her twin brother Mellow Yellow.”
“And who is that mysterious looking gentleman?” Sophie pointed in the direction of a man wearing the robes of a Ming Emperor.
“That’s Mr. Inn Lu,” Justin explained, “He’s the one who flew Material Girl from Australia to Ottawa on his private jet at my request. I need to talk to Gali-Gula right away. And can’t wait until Christmas. So Inn Lu who’s a certified Dragon Master (don’t ask me what that is because I don’t know) and runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney was kind enough to fly her here.”
“How do you know he runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney?” Sophie asked her husband.
“Because that’s what it says on his business card,” Justin answered.
“Can I see your business card?” Sophie asked Inn Lu.
Inn Lu reached under his Green Dragon emblazoned black cap on top of his head and pulled out a business card.
Sophie looked at Inn Lu’s business card.
She then turned towards her husband and shrieked, “You idiot! He runs an opium den.”
“Well, smoking opium is a form of recreational therapy,” Justin smiled sheepishly.
“Don’t let Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer hear you say that,” Sophie shook her head in exasperation.
“Baa-baa-black sheep, have you any wool?” Material Girl started singing.
“Speaking of black sheep,” Sophie glared angrily at Justin, “What’s with the green turban and the green face? You told the media and the Canadian voters you’d never wear black face or brown face ever again.”
“And I’ve kept my promise,” Justin protested, “I never promised not to wear green face.”
“I never promised you a rose garden,” Material Girl sang, “along with the sunshine. There’s got to be a little rain sometimes.”
“Why are you wearing green face anyways?” Sophie asked.
“At Material Girl’s request,” Justin grinned, “She said she wouldn’t exhale pot smoke in my face unless I did so.”
The mysterious Mr. Inn Lu pulled a very large hourglass of sand out from under his robes and looked at the remaining small grains of sand that were left at the top about to filter through to the bottom of the hour glass, “Okay. Time to go, Material Girl. Your babysitter Uncle Ernie told me that the 48 hour All You Can Eat coupon he bought your owner Mr. David Redpath for the Road Kill Cafe (with food served fresh hourly) in the Australian Outback will be expiring soon. If he comes home and finds you missing again, Uncle Ernie will be in big trouble again. Time to head home.”
“Awww, shoot!” Material Girl pouted.
Despite her pouting, Inn Lu picked up Material Girl with his gloved hands and headed out to his private jet.
“Well, I guess no need now to ask you about the airplane parked in the driveway,” Sophie remarked to her green faced husband.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 18th
2019.
Renfield Plots Revenge On British Commons Speaker John Bercow
Renfield Plots Revenge On British Commons Speaker John Bercow
“It appears the Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow did not learn his lesson the other night when he was kept awake by Pan Deux’s bagpipe playing and a recording of Nancy Pelosi moaning and groaning while using AOC’s confiscated vibrator,” said a livid British MP Renfield R. Renfield, “he disallowed a simple yes or no vote to be held in the Commons today on the Johnson-Renfield Brexit deal.”
“This John Bercow must be a sucker for punishment,” dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes purred elegantly as she chewed on her cat o’ nine tails and smoothed her black leather skirt.
“He must be,” Renfield agreed, “Miranda Singh has just returned from Turkey where she successfully kicked Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan in the balls with her spiked stilettos this past weekend. I’ve now hired her to go to the Speaker’s residence and kick John Bercow in the balls with her spiked stilettos this evening.”
“And when would you like me to tomato his buttocks?” Sherrielock asked.
“That will be the last resort,” Renfield smiled, “I understand you used your intelligence assets to dig up dirt on Bercow for me.”
“On one of his acquaintances actually,” Sherrielock answered, “not on Bercow himself.”
The dominatrix handed the Transhumanist MP several photos of Bercow with another man.
“Who’s this guy with Bercow?” Renfield inquired.
“He’s the Australian billionaire violin manufacturer Murdoch Pertru,” Sherrielock replied, “who has been seen in Bercow’s company on numerous occasions throughout the years.”
“Australian billionaire violin manufacturer?” Renfield was flabbergasted, “I didn’t even know they made violins over in Australia. Where do they get the wood? They don’t have any trees over there in Australia do they?”.
“They make violins from recycled tires,” said Sherrielock.
“Make violins from recycled tires?” Renfield was now doubly flabbergasted, “I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous.”
“It’s an Australian thing apparently,” Sherrielock smiled.
“Who the Hell came up with the idea of making violins from recycled tires?” Renfield demanded to know.
“Well it definitely wasn’t Murdoch Pertru,” Sherrielock replied, “Making violins from recycled tires was apparently the brainchild of a notorious individual nicknamed Uncle Ernie who blew his mind on acid decades ago. Uncle Ernie held the patent for the Ernievarius as the violin is still called but he put up that patent as his stake in an LSD induced high stakes poker game which Ernie lost to Murdoch Pertru. Pertru went on to become a successful manufacturer of Ernievarius violins and a billionaire in the process. Uncle Ernie went on to become a successful entertainer at children’s birthday parties in Australia. That is when he wasn’t spending time in the hoosegow for what he did during those parties. Today he runs a small mail order business called Chemical of The Day Club.”
“And what sort of dirt have you dug up on Murdoch Pertru an acquaintance of John Bercow?” Renfield asked.
“Well apparently Pertru spends a great deal of time at a seedy opium den in Sydney’s Chinatown,” Sherrielock replied, “an establishment owned by a mysterious and inscrutable individual who goes by the name of Inn Lu. I’ve asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to psychically look into the background of this Mr. Inn Lu which Michelangelo will do as soon as his lobster tank is repaired after a mysterious explosion that occurred after I entered the room.”
“And what does Murdoch Pertru do in Inn Lu’s seedy opium den?” Renfield inquired.
The dominatrix handed the MP more photographs.
“As you can see looking at those photos, Pertru was caught in several compromising positions with sex dolls made to look like kangaroos,” Sherrielock smiled, “The fact that Bercow is an acquaintance of such a debased defiler of kangaroo sex dolls should prove to be highly embarrassing for the Speaker.”
“Indeed,” Renfield admitted as the terrifying image of Bercow dressed as a sex doll kangaroo entered his mind.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 21st
2019.
Sherrielock Holmes: Mistress of Intrigue
