Moloch Remembers A Disciple While Justin Wants To Cancel Thanksgiving
The demon Moloch (invisible to most except those wearing Dr. Cadbury Rocher Polaroid sunglasses but there weren’t many of those) stood on the steps of the U.S. Capitol as a funeral service was being held for one of his favourite disciples who had kicked the bucket last Friday.
Unfortunately Moloch’s brother Baal and his demonic partner in crime Baphomet were unable to find a young virgin vampiress in time and rip out the vampiress’ heart and burn her body so that Moloch’s and their disciple might live a while longer.
A sacrifice of the Inca vampiress Huchuysisa back in January of this year had allowed Moloch’s disciple to live another 9 moths.
Unfortunately a couple of days later the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the ghost of Orson Welles had poured Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Phoenix Rising Vampiress Resurrection Elixir all over Huchuysisa’s ashes and brought her back from the dead.
Moloch’s disciple had to be hospitalized a few months later after seeing Australian performer Uncle Ernie perform his Marlene Dietrich dance routine in the associate Supreme Court Justice’s private washroom cubicle.
She had to be hospitalized again a few weeks after that after watching a viral video of Uncle Ernie performing the same dance routine when she accidentally typed in the wrong url on her laptop.
Then last Friday after seeing a holographic image (projected by Set Enterprises drones) of Uncle Ernie doing his most unkosher impersonation ever of Sesame Street’s Miss Piggy, Moloch’s disciple had finally given up the ghost.
She had lain in state first in the Supreme Court building and later in the halls of Congress.
Moloch wondered whether he’d ever again find such a devoted disciple.
. . .
Earlier this week in an address to the Canadian nation, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told Canadians that due to the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus (although he used the WHO politically correct term Covid-19), “It’s all too likely we won’t be gathering for Thanksgiving but we still have a shot at Christmas.”
Canadian Thanksgiving is celebrated on the 2nd Monday in October (whereas in the U.S it is celebrated on the last Thursday in November).
Later in a meeting with his supernatural advisor Tezcatlipoca the Aztec god of smoking mirrors (whom he communicated with via a marijuana pot smoking late Victorian/early Edwardian antique mirror called Magical Mystery Tour), Justin was shocked to discover that he didn’t have the jurisdictional power to cancel Thanksgiving.
Tears started running down his Al Jolson minstral show blackface, “I suppose I don’t have the jurisdictional power to cancel Christmas either.”
Being the good Marxist that he was, Justin didn’t believe in people having fun.
He was first planning to cancel Thanksgiving in October and then Christmas in December.
His plans of being a Maoist grinch had come to nought.
How Justin wished he was Daniel Andrews the Premier of Victoria state in Australia and then he could do whatever the Hell he wanted.
The Global TV News Canada disinformation branch of the New World Order Ministry of Propoganda had finished their 5:30 PM Evening broadcast tonight (after their usual regurgitation of hardcore Marxism in the broadcast exemplified by Communist asshole Global correspondent in the U.S. Jackson Proskow’s Marxist-Leninist slant on American politics) by longing for a Daniel Andrews style lockdown in Canada.
How many of the Canadian sheeple baaaaed appreciatively at Dawna Friesen’s departing pronouncement remains to be seen.
. . .
The Inca vampiress Huchuysisa (on vacation in the Bahamas) was happy she managed to evade capture and being sacrificed by the demons Baal and Baphomet again in order that Moloch’s most devoted disciple on the U.S. Supreme Court might live.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 25th
2020.
Uncle Ernie, The Koala With Chlamydia and Eulogy For Falstaff
Back on July 14th of this year, the satanic old bat Ruth Bader Ginsburg had to be hospitalized at John Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland.
The cause of her hospitalization was that notorious Australian entertainer and queen of the outback drag queens better known as Uncle Ernie.
Uncle Ernie was flown from the Australian outback (where he was found out back making unsanctioned pharmaceuticals) to Washington DC in the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s cannabis oil powered environmentally friendly eco-friendly dirigible.
Uncle Ernie had been hired by Set to give a private performance for Justice Ginsburg in her private chambers’ personal washroom in the Supreme Court Building in Washington DC.
Uncle Ernie went into the Supreme Court Building dressed as Marlene Dietrich in the 1930 German film The Blue Angel when her character of cabaret singer Lola-Lola sang the song Falling In Love Again.
Ginsburg entered her private washroom cubicle just as Uncle Ernie exited.
Uncle Ernie dressed as the fishnet wearing Marlene Dietrich held a stuffed toy koala bear between his legs as he performed his rarely ever requested musical dance number that he had entitled The Koala With Chlamydia.
The site of Uncle Ernie dressed as Marlene Dietrich’s character of Lola-Lola from The Blue Angel holding a stuffed toy koala bear between his legs as he sang The Koala With Chlamydia to the tune of the song Falling In Love Again was too much for satanic old bat Ruth Bader Ginsburg to handle.
Her heart gave out on her.
She was taken to John Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland.
The demons Baal and Baphomet quickly found a beautiful young vampiress (who had been a vampiress less than a year) and ripped her heart out giving it to Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a replacement.
Then two days ago, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was reviewing some music videos that the Democratic National Committee was thinking of playing at the virtual Democratic Party convention online at the moment senility prone Joe Biden announced his Vice-Presidential running mate.
And one of the videos was of Uncle Ernie dressed as Marlene Dietrich from The Blue Angel and holding a stuffed toy koala bear between his fishnet legs as he performed his rarely ever requested musical dance number The Koala With Chlamydia.
This was again too much for satanic old bat Ruth Bader Ginsburg to handle.
Once again the demons Baal and Baphomet quickly found a beautiful young vampiress (who had been a vampiress less than a year) and ripped her heart out giving it to Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a replacement.
Today Ruth Bader Ginsburg was released from a New York City hospital.
She was wheeled in her wheelchair past a group of supporters- a bunch of pro-abortion women who were all wearing mandatory face masks and all wearing t-shirts that read NO GOVERNMENT IS TELLING ME WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY BODY.
. . .
The ghosts of Orson Welles, Sir John Gielgud and Sir Laurence Olivier were all sitting as social distancing spectral judges in the front row of the Old Vic Theatre in London.
They were judging an online competition where livestream video performances were shown on the wall at the back of the stage.
The performance being judged was Mistress Quickly’s eulogy on Falstaff delivered in Act II, scene iii of Shakespeare’s Henry V.
The last contestant was from Australia.
Uncle Ernie dressed as Marlene Dietrich from The Blue Angel and holding a toy stuffed koala bear between his legs.
Uncle Ernie stroked and played with the bear as he recited his lines:
Nay sure, he’s not in Hell!
He’s in Arthur’s bosom,
if ever man went to Arthur’s bosom.
He made a finer end
and went away an it
had it been any christom child.
He parted ev’n just between twelve and one
ev’n at the turnin’ o’ the tide;
for after I saw him fumble with the sheets
and play with flowers
and smile upon his finger’s end….
…So he cried out ‘God!’ ‘God’! ‘God’! three or four times!
Now, I, to comfort him,
bid him he should not think of God…
… So he bade me lay more clothes upon his feet.
I put my hand into the bed and felt them,
and they were as cold as any stone.
Then I felt to his knees,
and so upward and upward,
and all was as cold as any stone.
With that Uncle Ernie as Mistress Quickly finished his eulogy for Falstaff.
The ghost of Orson Welles quickly downed a 10 litre spectral bottle of spectral red wine.
After a pause of about half an hour, Welles remarked, “That’s a performance of Mistress Quickly’s eulogy for Falstaff that I’ll never forget.”
The ghosts of Olivier and Gielgud nodded their assent.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 31st
2020.
Kissing The Baphomet
The Baphomet wholeheartedly approves of the U.S. Supreme Court’s latest idiotic 6-3 Supreme Court decision.
This is what happens when you name a bunch of Freemasons to the Supreme Court.
You get a bunch of satanic occultic judicial celebrations in honour of sexual perversions, debauchery and abominations.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was looking at some photographs taken by Set Enterprises Intelligence Units of six U.S. Supreme Court judges involved in a ritual ceremony where they were kissing the buttocks of the living Baphomet as opposed to a Baphomet statue (which were the only statues approved of by the Neo-Bolshevik Communists currently rioting and looting and tearing down statues across the United States and in much of the Western world).
There was some momentary consternation when Chief Justice John Roberts got his lips stuck to the living Baphomet’s buttocks.
Some “Holy” Water blessed by Pope Francis was thrown on the spectacle to see if that would detach the said Chief Justice’s lips from the said Baphomet’s buttocks.
But instead it served as a spiritual form of Crazy Glue binding the Chief Justice’s lips to the Baphomet’s buttocks even further.
Finally a welder (whose unofficial title was Court Arsonist to the Court of George Soros and a person wracking up the frequent flyer miles as he flew back and forth across U.S. cities where coincidentally various city districts went up in flames prior to his leaving) was brought in to burn Roberts’ lips off Baphomet’s buttocks.
“This definitely marks the end of the United States of America,” Renfield mused aloud as he looked at the photographs, “The country will end up being destroyed either in a Neo-Bolshevik insurrection or civil war or one massive steam bath house orgy (livestreamed on Facebook and Twitter) if not a combination of all 3. And history will record the United States of America as being unique in that it was a society that went from barbarism to decadence without ever having achieved an intermediate state of civilization.”
. . .
Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie was working in his backyard illegal and unregulated pharmaceutical manufacturing facility when he noted an environmentally eco-friendly cannabis oil powered dirigible airship flying overhead.
At first, Uncle Ernie assumed it was a creation of his own mind (or what little was left of it) due to the formula for creating a horned toad venom laced pizza that he was working with that originated in a Los Angeles based pizzaria that was called the Breasts of Marianne de Lilith Pizzaria.
However the captain of the ship after coming down a rope to the ground informed Uncle Ernie that the ship was very much real.
The ship belonged to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Set was hoping to show the world that U.S. Associate Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a hypocrate and a judicial version of Nancy Pelosi.
What she Ginsburg decreed for the masses of the nation she would never have for herself.
Set hoped to prove this point by flying Uncle Ernie to Washington DC.
Uncle Ernie would go to the Supreme Court dressed as one of his many stage female persona characters and enter Associate Justice Ginsburg’s judge’s chambers and use her own private washroom.
Uncle Ernie would be wearing a mosquito sized bodycam at the top of his brassiere peering out from the top of his low-cut evening gown and would record Justice Ginsburg’s reaction for all the world to see.
Uncle Ernie agreed to the trip (which would be of a non-hallucinogenic nature).
He wondered which one of his stage female persona he should go into Justice Ginsburg’s private washroom dressed as.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 15th
2020.
Origins of May The Fourth
Origins of May The Fourth
Back in the mid-1970s as George Lucas was holding auditions for the voice of Darth Vader for his upcoming Star Wars motion picture, among those auditioning for the voice role were writer and actor Truman Capote.
This was the line all audition participants were to speak when auditioning for the Darth Vader voice role, “May the Force be with you.”
Then it came Truman Capote’s turn to audition.
Truman Capote (speaking with his usual fruity lisp): May the fourth be with you.
Thinking that for a galactic villain whose voice was supposed to send chills down audience spines and make their blood run cold, the makers of Star Wars settled for the deep baritone voice of James Earl Jones instead.
However back in the early 2000s, an Australian with the popular nickname of Uncle Ernie found the Truman Capote audition video tape in an old Star Wars lunch box he found in some old cupboards in his backyard unregulated and illegal pharmaceutical manufacturing lab.
And a legend was born.
Since that time, May the Fourth became known as International Star Wars Day.
As May the Force Be With You became Truman Capote’s immortal May the Fourth Be With You.
. . .
“Beam me up, Scotty,” William Shatner spoke to his AI automated dispenser of his favourite brand of toilet paper as he sat on his starship throne.
. . .
Meanwhile in the catacombs of Paris, Marmalade Montague the eccentric former baker who had recently proclaimed himself Court Scientist to the Court of Louis Quatorze overheard a plot by a group of Grand Orient Lodge Freemasons to turn Notre Dame Cathedral into a New Age Freemasonic Temple.
Said the Grand Orient Lodge master, “I’ve been told by the Divine Falcon Headed Human Body Hybrid Horus himself that a world altering miracle will happen this coming May 14th.”
“That’s the same day Pope Francis told all the religions of the world to pray together isn’t it?” the Lodge secretary inquired.
“It is,” the Grand Orient Lodge master answered.
Marmalade Montague decided he better exit the catacombs before his presence was noted.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 4th
2020.
The Greek goddess Aphrodite pointing downwards at a snake slithering along the floor of one of the Vatican Museum halls.
Sherrielock Holmes’ Night On The Town
Sherrielock Holmes’ Night On The Town
Immortal London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (twin sister of the not so-literally immortal detective Sherlock Holmes who is dead and the immortal but extremely young looking great grandmother of Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was sending out quite the positive vibe in the London nightclub lounge she was sitting in.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had already accidentally knocked over the table he was sitting at due to the positive vibe he was getting.
Boyfriends were getting into trouble with their girlfriends and husbands were getting into trouble with their wives due to the vibe they were getting.
“No sign of the Coronavirus here,” a British NHS worker remarked as he stuck his head into the nightclub lounge.
“But never have I seen such a wide spread of satyriasis since the days of the great god Pan,” British Prime Minister Boris Johnson (who had majored in Classics at Oxford) remarked to his NHS guide who was giving him a nighttime tour of how Britain’s NHS was coping with the Coronavirus in London.
Renfield R. Renfield had meanwhile taken a picture of Sherrielock Holmes with his smartphone.
He immediately text messaged Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie with the pic.
Uncle Ernie who was in the shower and checking text messages on his (hopefully for him – water proof!) smartphone immediately broke into a chorus of “I’m having the time of my life, I’ve never felt this way before…”.
“Uncle Ernie is sounding even more exuberant in the shower than his usual exuberant self,” the Australian poet David Redpath’s wife remarked to David.
“He is,” David had to admit.
The sound of one of the bathroom walls coming down around the shower could be heard.
“It looks like we may have to call in carpenters to replace one of the bathroom walls,” David’s wife commented.
David was trying to think to himself what Bob Dylan would write when confronted with such a situation.
Meanwhile back in London, Renfield was approaching Sherrielock Holmes’ table.
“I see you’re happy to see me,” Sherrielock remarked wryly.
“As always,” Renfield commented as he sat down.
“I hear my great grandson Cadbury had to bring back U.S. Vice-President Mike Pence from the brink of death,” Sherrielock sipped her drink.
“Yes, one of the City of London’s leading public relations firms was brought in to cover up that whole Coronavirus hitting the White House fiasco as the Trump Administration doesn’t seem to be doing such a good job of covering up such things themselves,” Renfield ordered a gin and tonic from the waiter.
“I hear Pope Francis has asked Hades to release Asclepius from the Underworld to help the Pontiff recover from Coronavirus,” Sherrielock licked a cherry from her drink which caused many men in the lounge to faint.
“That’s what I’ve heard,” Renfield nodded, “And an ET starship has apparently arrived from the constellation Ophiuchus (“the Serpent Holder”) as well since the Jesuit archivists in the Vatican Library aren’t sure which version of the Asclepius myth is true. Although they universally agree that nothing in the Bible is true.”
“I’ve heard that Pope Francis has cancelled his May 14th date for his Vatican Global Compact On Education Event and moved it to October 15th of this year due to his fears over the Coronavirus,” Sherrielock ordered another drink from the waiter.
“Yes his announcement of the New Humanism (which is really his proclamation that henceforth the belief of the Catholic Church is to be 17th Century Puritan Neo-Arianism and 18th Century Deist Unitarianism) will have to wait a few months,” Renfield sipped his gin and tonic.
“I understand a lot of celebrations of the Mass in the Catholic Church have been cancelled due to the Coronavirus,” Sherrielock took her drink from the waiter.
“And they probably won’t be brought back once Pope Francis proclaims the New Humanism,” Renfield nodded, “In fulfillment of Daniel 12:11 “From the time that the Daily Sacrifice is abolished and the Abomination that causes Desolation is set up, there will be 1290 days.” I ran into Amadeus’ friend Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the Church of England’s leading exorcist this evening and in his opinion he says that it’s the Daily Sacrifice of the Mass is what restrains the Coming of the Antichrist according to Father Aidan’s interpretation of 2nd Thessalonians 2:6.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 7th
2020.
Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus
Countess Draculina, Justin, A Gender Confused Wombat and A Pot Smoking Walrus
Justin entered the mirror.
And felt the wet sand under his feet.
What happened to his shoes and socks he wondered?
The Basilides gnostic god Abraxas had them on his two feet (which were heads of serpents) in another dimension.
Walking through two inter-dimensional portal mirrors on the same night can cause stuff to go missing.
Which was always the noted Australian entertainer Uncle Ernie’s explanation whenever his g-string style jock strap fell off while he was on the stage in his drag queen show and the audience could see what he had (or lack thereof!).
Justin looked at the vampiress who stood before him.
“A little bird tells me that you’re the Countess Draculina the daughter of Count Dracula,” Justin spoke with his usual meandering manner of speaking.
Countess Draculina leaned forward and shouted “Boo!”.
The little hummingbird on Justin’s shoulder flew away.
“I didn’t know there was a full moon tonight,” Justin looked at the full moon and the Scottish castle behind Countess Draculina.
“That is an illusion,” Draculina laughed, “caused by a great searchlight (invented by Nikola Tesla) casting its full moon signal into the air.”
“Will signs and wonders never cease?” Justin used a fine tooth comb to remove gray hairs from his hair.
“Those signs and wonders will soon increase and increase,” Draculina licked the blood off her lips just as an Australian wombat (who was actually Uncle Ernie shapeshifting from another dimension) crawled up and licked the blood off her breasts atop her low-cut gothic attire mini dress.
“And what is the purpose of all these signs and wonders?” Justin asked as he inhaled pot smoke that was being exhaled by a pot smoking Arctic walrus that had just crawled on to the shore from the sea.
The ghost of John Lennon appeared on one of the high towers of the distant Scottish castle and began singing a paraphrased version of one of his old hits, “Imagine all the people worshipping the Antichrist… someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 24th
2020.
Aphrodite At Oxford
Aphrodite At Oxford
The Greek goddess Aphrodite writing her term paper on the Native American myths surrounding the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo
The Greek goddess Aphrodite had recently returned from the town of Stettler, Alberta, Canada where she had been researching Cree and Blackfoot indigenous myths on the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo.
She was putting the finishing touches on her term paper for the class she was taking in World Mythology and Folklore.
The class was taught by Prof. William Charles an Associate Professor of Mythology, Folklore, Vampirism, Lycanthropy and Paranormal Studies at Oxford.
His class was extremely popular and hard to get into.
Nevertheless the Greek goddess Aphrodite when visiting Prof. William Charles in his office before the start of this semester was able to convince the famed supernaturalist into letting her into class even though she had no previous formal education.
The subject Underwater Basketweaving While Emerging From A Giant Oyster Shell On The Beaches of Cyprus wasn’t considered a valid academic course in the view of Oxford University.
Although it was recognized by most American colleges and universities as such in order to get the best high school athletes into their college football and basketball programs.
But after a little gentle persuasion from Aphrodite, the famed supernaturalist let the goddess into his class.
Outside the window of the Greek goddess Aphrodite’s dorm room, the Greek god Ares was endeavouring to get inside as he hadn’t seen his sometime girlfriend ever since she started at Oxford.
It just so happened that strolling along the grounds between the various halls and dormitories was the Celtic stag god Cernunnos with his trusted crossbow and arrow (that he used to kill deer hunters).
Cernunnos was heading to an Oxford artists’ studio where he would be posing as a model and subject for Oxford art students to draw and paint.
The original model scheduled for today’s art session had been an Australian named Uncle Ernie (who had once modelled for Salvador Dali).
But Uncle Ernie had been arrested at London’s Heathrow Airport earlier today for trying to enter the country illegally.
When the totally nude and jock less Uncle Ernie had approached the female UK Customs and Immigration officer and said, “I have nothing to declare”, the agent looking at the body parts Uncle Ernie was trying to cover said that she wholeheartedly agreed but nonetheless facial recognition had determined that Uncle Ernie was on Interpol’s watch list of “characters of dubious reputation and ill repute”.
Within seconds, Uncle Ernie found himself on the floor in handcuffs.
Meanwhile back at the Quad on Oxford, Cernunnos had shot the Greek god Ares in the backside with an arrow.
The resulting commotion and screaming caused Aphrodite to open her dorm window which sent Ares plummeting to the Quad grounds below.
Seeing as how Ares was an Olympian immortal, all he would suffer on this day was a pain in the neck and a pain in the backside.
Aphrodite meanwhile grabbed her finished term paper and headed to Prof. William Charles’ office.
The two spent hours long into the Oxonian night discussing the Native American myth of how the great horned buffalo came to be.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 3rd
2020
Part 2 Mr. Inn Lu: International Man of Mystery
Part 2 Mr. Inn Lu: International Man of Mystery
The reclusive Sydney Australia billionaire Mr. Inn Lu was being interviewed by a reporter for America’s Sci-Fi Channel.
“Well, Mr. Lu,” the reporter said, “I don’t know if our audience will believe that you are in fact a time traveler who was once a scientist, inventor and palace court official serving a Ming Dynasty Emperor in Beijing who got caught up in a time warp brought about when scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland had one too many martinis on the job before they started firing up the old inter-dimensional time tunnel and you suddenly found yourself in Sydney Australia in the year 1900. Or that you had developed a potion of immortality before you got caught in the time warp. But the story should be right up their Sci-Fi alley.”
“Always glad to help people find what’s up their alley,” Mr. Inn Lu smiled.
“And is your name really Inn Lu?” The reporter asked, “None of the professors of Medieval Chinese History we talked to found any record of a court official serving in a Ming Dynasty palace court who had the name Inn Lu.”
“My real name is a cosmic top secret,” Mr. Inn Lu continued to smile, “I have not told any Australian Security Intelligence Organization (ASIO) official what my real name is. Otherwise the whole world would know my real name by the next morning since ASIO operatives are such blabber mouths.”
“So how did you get the name Inn Lu?” The Sci-Fi Channel Reporter asked.
“Well when I suddenly found myself transported through time and place from the Ming Dynasty palace court in Beijing to Sydney Australia in the year 1900,” Inn Lu explained, “the first place I wound up was in a washroom in a beer parlour in Sydney. The first person who came through the washroom door at the time I made my cosmic arrival was someone whose name I later discovered was Goliath Rougechemin. When he saw me dressed in my resplendent Ming Dynasty court robes standing in the midst of the beer parlour washroom, he said to me, “How did a person like you come to be in the loo?”. Since I didn’t know English at the time, the only words I caught was “in” and “loo”. That suddenly became my name although I changed it to Inn Lu.”
“And we understand that the recent PRC Ministry of State Security official who defected from Communist China to Australia is hiding in one of your safe houses? The intelligence operative code named Wang Ho?” The Sci-Fi Channel reporter asked.
“That’s right,” Inn Lu nodded, “Although his code name was recently changed from Wang Ho to Wang Chung “for security reasons” or so the memo said. Actually the whole thing was supposed to be a top secret operation although ASIO operatives have been blabbing about the whole operation in the Comments sections of WordPress blogs all over the world so it isn’t so top secret anymore.”
“Well, we thank you for granting us this interview,” the Sci-Fi reporter smiled.
“Always a pleasure talking to members of the Press,” Inn Lu smiled back.
Inn Lu’s Samsung Galaxy smart phone went off.
A text message.
“Should I go?” The reporter asked, “Is the message top secret?”.
“Oh no,” Inn Lu shook his head, “It’s from a friend of mine. A rather eccentric character who calls himself Uncle Ernie. He’s worried because it suddenly occurred to him that a package of his special fruit gummy bears he sent out containing his 72 special and secret ingredients he might have inadvertently mailed to the wrong address. He may have sent it to the person’s place of work rather than his home address.”
. . .
Donald Trump entered the Oval Office of the White House.
He suddenly noticed something on his desk that he didn’t recall seeing before.
“Hm,” said Trump who just loved grabbing things, “Nice of one of my secret service agents to leave this bag of gummy bears lying around.”
Trump started eating the gummy bears.
Half an hour later, one of the Secret Service agents entered the Oval Office just as the Donald was standing on top of his desk flapping his arms as if they were bird’s wings and shouting, “Woo! Hoo! I can fly!”.
“Um… Mr. President?” Said the Secret Service agent, “Did you happen to see a bag of fruit gummy bears lying around? I accidentally left them behind.”
“They were on my desk,” the Donald smiled, “I ate them all.”
The Donald starts to sing in Stanley Holloway Alfred P. Doolittle fashion from My Fair Lady, “I’m getting impeached in the morning. Ding! Dong! The bells are going to chime! …. Pull out the stopper! Let’s have a whopper! But get me to the House on time!”.
“Um… Mr. President?” The Secret Service agent pointed outside the Oval Office window, “What’s a large dirigible airship doing landing on the White House lawn?”.
“I ordered it,” the Donald replied, “as part of an impromptu Thanksgiving Day parade in Washington DC tomorrow. I’m going to fly in it along with a whole bunch of turkeys tomorrow. Then 50 feet above the Lincoln Memorial, the turkeys and I will jump out of the dirigible and fly towards the ground.”
The Secret Service agent held in his hands an old magazine from the 1980s (he had been visiting a dentist’s office that afternoon).
And in the magazine was an interview with Donald Trump who said that one of his favourite TV shows of all time was WKRP In Cincinnati.
He told the magazine interviewer that he had watched every single episode of WKRP In Cincinnati except one.
The secret service agent said to himself, “What the Democrats so far have failed to do, missing a single episode of WKRP In Cincinnati may succeed.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 27th
2019.
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Sophie Gregoire Trudeau (wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau) was in their family mansion in Ottawa when she suddenly noticed a light on in the greenhouse outside.
She hadn’t seen a light on in the greenhouse since the days her husband’s pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever inhabited the place.
Then the greenhouse light was on all the time whenever her husband was home.
Justin would go and inhale Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke so he could truthfully tell the media that he didn’t personally smoke marijuana.
However that changed nearly a year ago when Chinese Communist agents from Beijing cactusnapped Strawberry Fields Forever from the greenhouse in retaliation for Canada’s arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.
Then over the summer, Strawberry Fields Forever finally ended up being murdered by his Chinese Communist captors since Meng Wanzhou still hadn’t been released from Canada.
Sophie was actually pleased when Strawberry Fields Forever had been cactusnapped because her husband stopped blabbing about getting advice from Gali-Gula the Caligula’s spirit possessed ET Gray from the planet Nibiru- an entity that her husband always saw whenever he inhaled pot smoke.
People might start thinking he was a lunatic if he engaged in such talk.
Sadly for her, Justin had recently decided to get Set Enterprises’ famous research scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher of London to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant for him.
With this in mind, Justin had sent Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot smoking sheriff of Calypso’s Bosom (an Aquarian Age hippy commune on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula- a sort of New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical Brigadoon- with the cosmically inclined “far out” village emerging from its pot smoke filled mists once every 7 years) down to the Arizona desert to pick up a new cactus plant for Dr. Cadbury Rocher to clone.
Apparently Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman had cut off a slice of cactus from a cactus plant that the Hopi tribe of Arizona regarded as sacred.
The slice of cactus had been flown by Government of Canada jet from Arizona to London this past weekend.
It apparently took Dr. Cadbury Rocher approximately 4 to 6 weeks to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant.
Dr. Rocher did promise Justin however that he should have the new pot smoking desert cactus plant ready by Christmas.
It would definitely give the lines of that Christmas carol “Angels we have heard on high” a whole new meaning Sophie thought to herself when her husband Justin had told her the “good news”.
So if the pot smoking cactus plant wouldn’t be ready until Christmas, what were the lights doing on in the greenhouse? Sophie wondered to herself.
She went out to investigate.
She looked through the greenhouse window where she got the shock of her life.
She stormed through the greenhouse door.
“Justin, what the Hell do you think you’re doing?” Sophie called out angrily.
Justin was wearing a green turban on his head and had his face painted green with green face makeup.
He was inhaling marijuana smoke from a tiny desert cactus plant that was wearing a mini-skirt and giggling like a teen-aged school girl.
“Oh hi, dear,” the green-faced Justin Trudeau grinned, “this is Material Girl from Australia. She’s one of two original plant clippings off Strawberry Fields Forever that I had given to the noted Australian poet David Redpath. She and her twin brother Mellow Yellow.”
“And who is that mysterious looking gentleman?” Sophie pointed in the direction of a man wearing the robes of a Ming Emperor.
“That’s Mr. Inn Lu,” Justin explained, “He’s the one who flew Material Girl from Australia to Ottawa on his private jet at my request. I need to talk to Gali-Gula right away. And can’t wait until Christmas. So Inn Lu who’s a certified Dragon Master (don’t ask me what that is because I don’t know) and runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney was kind enough to fly her here.”
“How do you know he runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney?” Sophie asked her husband.
“Because that’s what it says on his business card,” Justin answered.
“Can I see your business card?” Sophie asked Inn Lu.
Inn Lu reached under his Green Dragon emblazoned black cap on top of his head and pulled out a business card.
Sophie looked at Inn Lu’s business card.
She then turned towards her husband and shrieked, “You idiot! He runs an opium den.”
“Well, smoking opium is a form of recreational therapy,” Justin smiled sheepishly.
“Don’t let Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer hear you say that,” Sophie shook her head in exasperation.
“Baa-baa-black sheep, have you any wool?” Material Girl started singing.
“Speaking of black sheep,” Sophie glared angrily at Justin, “What’s with the green turban and the green face? You told the media and the Canadian voters you’d never wear black face or brown face ever again.”
“And I’ve kept my promise,” Justin protested, “I never promised not to wear green face.”
“I never promised you a rose garden,” Material Girl sang, “along with the sunshine. There’s got to be a little rain sometimes.”
“Why are you wearing green face anyways?” Sophie asked.
“At Material Girl’s request,” Justin grinned, “She said she wouldn’t exhale pot smoke in my face unless I did so.”
The mysterious Mr. Inn Lu pulled a very large hourglass of sand out from under his robes and looked at the remaining small grains of sand that were left at the top about to filter through to the bottom of the hour glass, “Okay. Time to go, Material Girl. Your babysitter Uncle Ernie told me that the 48 hour All You Can Eat coupon he bought your owner Mr. David Redpath for the Road Kill Cafe (with food served fresh hourly) in the Australian Outback will be expiring soon. If he comes home and finds you missing again, Uncle Ernie will be in big trouble again. Time to head home.”
“Awww, shoot!” Material Girl pouted.
Despite her pouting, Inn Lu picked up Material Girl with his gloved hands and headed out to his private jet.
“Well, I guess no need now to ask you about the airplane parked in the driveway,” Sophie remarked to her green faced husband.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 18th
2019.
