Pan Goatee Beheads Fat Ugly Blimp While Marxist Quartet Visits DC
Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee received an email from his local public library telling people not to put their library books in the microwave and turn it on in the mistaken belief that this will kill any Covid-19 virus lurking on the book covers and jacket.
“I can’t believe the stupidity of people these days,” Goatee remarked.
But there was plenty of stupidity going around as some fat ugly blimp was stupidly wandering around the neighbourhood where Pan Goatee lived.
Goatee quickly beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his astral laser machete and cut her up into 666 quadrillion pieces.
There was a beautiful woman who had been walking alongside the fat ugly blimp.
“Just on the off chance ugliness is contagious like the Covid-19 virus,” Goatee spoke in solemn infectious diseases “expert” tones as he beheaded the beautiful woman.
Dr. Anthony Fauci had never addressed the question on whether or not ugliness was contagious (although there was some evidence for it when one looked at news footage of the overall appearance of women who attended Hillary 2016 rallies 4 years ago).
Dr. Fauci himself had caught a mysterious virus a few days ago that had turned him into a garden gnome lawn ornament.
Although members of House and Senate Committees that Dr. Fauci had testified in front of the past week hadn’t noticed any difference.
As Joe Biden made his 4th of July message on his front lawn surrounded by garden gnome lawn ornaments whom, he told the assembled media, were wanting to smell his hairy legs, Biden said, “The most patriotic thing one can do this 4th of July is to wear a mask.”
Biden made the statement while NOT wearing a mask.
At the 4th of July fireworks display over Washington DC, the ghosts of Vladimir Lenin, Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and North Korea’s first Communist leader Kim Il-sung were all watching.
The ghosts of the Marxist quartet had been temporarily released by Hades from roasting away on their respective barbeque spits down in Tartarus at the request of Pope Francis who was quite anxious that the foursome should see this year’s 4th of July fireworks over Washington DC.
Pope Francis’ request to Hades had been co-signed by American economist Jeffrey Sachs, Bill Gates of Microsoft and botched vaccines fame, George Soros, WHO head Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres and Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.
“Just think,” Stalin shed tears, “By next year’s 4th of July celebrations, this country will belong to us.”
“Or at least your ideological successors at any rate,” the 3 heads of Cerberus growled as the famed Underworld dog chased the 4 back to Tartarus.
And then in the glow of the Buck Moon (the nickname of the July full moon because this is the time of year when the male deer begin to grow their antlers), Cernunnos the Celtic horned stag god of beasts and wild places stood atop the Washington Monument obelisk in the moonlight.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 4th
2020.
Pan Goatee Slays Heavy Drinking Uglo While Hades and Poseidon Hold Summit
Pan Goatee was sickened by the sight of some repulsively ugly looking creature entering a liquor store.
“I guess if I was as ugly looking as you are, I’d be driven to drink as well,” the satyr commented as he lopped the uglo’s head off with his astral laser machete.
He then cut up the said uglo into 999 quintillion pieces with his machete as he addressed the approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing rats and approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing nanites who’d be eating the remains of the uglo and then vomiting them up on the banks of the River Styx for transport to Tartarus, “With the Covid refusing to die down like a good virus, the United Nations’ Communist Secretary-General Antonio Guterres saying he hopes a global Marxist government can be quickly established as the “new normal” in a post-pandemic world and Neo-Bolshevik insurrectionists establishing a neo-Jacobin French Revolutionary style Reign of Terror in the U.S., you’re not helping matters aesthetically polluting Gaia by wandering around with your ugly looking faces ruining the days of sensible people everywhere but of course not the days of stupid people (of which there seems to be an overabundance in the Western world). Dickens said of the years of the original Reign of Terror, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. But thanks to the repulsive pathetically ugly ugliness of uglos such as yourself, we’ve only got the “worst of times’ in this second Reign of Terror.”
Meanwhile down in the Underworld, Hades the Greek god of the underworld was holding a summit meeting with Poseidon the Greek god of the Ocean.
“The Underworld seems to be inundated with a lot of uglos these days because of that troublesome satyr Pan Goatee,” Hades complained to Poseidon.
“I don’t think you can blame Pan Goatee,” Poseidon came to the defense of the satyr, “you have to blame the Western world for somehow having an overabundance of ugly females. Our brother Zeus says he no longer visits Canada and the U.S.A. anymore when he’s feeling raunchy. It just invokes nausea in him.”
“Turning to another matter, I granted the ghost of General Andrew Jackson a dispensational release from Purgatory so he can go fight the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents that are trying to take over the U.S.,” Hades lit himself a cigar.
“Jackson heard about that?” Poseidon ate a scallop.
“Yes, news reached him about the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents trying to tear his statue down in the vicinity of the White House a few days ago so now he wants to go fight them,” Hades explained.
“And why did you agree to his request?” Poseidon asked.
“Because he provides me with such good cigars,” Hades blew smoke rings, “although I think he gets them from the ghost of his wife who was apparently quite the cigar connoisseur in her mortal life.”
“What’s the latest with the Neo-Bolshevik insurrection in the U.S. anyways?” Poseidon ate a lobster who was a distant cousin of Set Enterprises’ famed psychic lobster Michelangelo.
“I hear Antifa has been advertising a peaceful family friendly 4th of July Flag Burning at the Gettysburg Cemetery this coming 4th of July,” Hades drank a gin and tonic.
“I imagine Abe Lincoln’s ghost and Union General Ulysses S. Grant will be requesting dispensations if that goes ahead,” Poseidon remarked.
“Undoubtedly,” Hades nodded.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 28th
2020.
Pan Goatee Tries His Hand At Reality Therapy While Renfield Muses On Brexit and The Irish Backstop
Pan Goatee Tries His Hand At Reality Therapy While Renfield Muses On Brexit and The Irish Backstop
Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was headed to the food court of the neighbourhood mall when suddenly he encountered a repulsively ugly looking white female that was a semi-human stoat hybrid.
The ugly looking creature seemed to be walking from the public library across the square.
Goatee correctly deduced that she was walking from the public library because like all people who are both female and ugly, she no doubt fancied herself an intellectual – something common to these creatures who thought that being both female and ugly automatically put them in that category of society known as intellectuals.
Goatee knew that this was faulty slop shodded reasoning because the most intellectual woman he had ever encountered in his life was a beautiful Malaysian woman who resided in a quiet Bavarian village.
“You pathetic ugly looking loser!” Goatee discoursed in therapeutic commentary that was never heard on TV programs like Dr. Phil as he beheaded the creature from the dung heaps of Beelzebub.
Meanwhile over in England, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having a discussion on Brexit and the Irish backstop with his friend Amadeus Emanon.
“There is now of course thanks to my date with the vampiress Polish Countess Elena Dubrovna this past Saturday the possibility that Poland, Hungary or the Czech Republic if not all 3 will veto any extension to Brexit going on beyond October 31st of this year,” Renfield ate a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top.
“I hear pro-New World Order EU nations may also veto any EU deal on Brexit if it doesn’t exactly resemble the deal negotiated by Theresa May,” Amadeus noted.
“They have,” Renfield nodded, “which is why I’ve sent a cable to Vladimir Putin saying the UK would secretly approve any annexation of the said EU nations to the Russian Federation should Putin wish to go ahead with something like that.”
“I see,” Amadeus started to eat his own slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream.
“Boris Johnson seemed to have quite an amenable meeting with Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar today,” Renfield started eating his Guinness laced shepherd’s pie, “It seems Varadkar is quite amiable to the idea of the backstop applying to Northern Ireland only instead of the United Kingdom as a whole. Unlike the Neo-Stalinist assholes in the EU bureaucracy in Brussels who want all of Britain to remain under the thumb of EU directives as EU bureaucrats seek to establish their idea of a Stalinist-Trotskyite synthesis Soviet United States of Europe which is definitely a recipe for a disaster in the making.”
“But won’t the Democratic Unionist Party remove their support from the British Conservative government given that they’re staunchly opposed to a Northern Ireland only backstop?” Amadeus queried.
“Of course the ghosts of both Winston Churchill and Orson Welles have informed me that the ghost of the Democratic Unionist Party’s founding leader the Rev. Ian Paisley is roasting away on a barbecue spit in Purgatory which is even more offensive to his Irish Scots Presbyterian sensibilities than if he was roasting away on a barbecue spit in the flames of Tartarus itself,” Renfield answered.
“Well despite Rev. Paisley discovering the Hell that Catholic doctrine is in fact true even though the current head of the Catholic Church Pope Francis no longer believes in Catholic doctrine, how does this take away from the fact that the DUP (Democratic Unionist Party) is staunchly opposed to a Northern Ireland only backstop?” Amadeus wanted to know.
“Well,” Renfield poured more Guinness on his shepherd’s pie, “I’ve already advised Boris Johnson to tell the Democratic Unionist Party to go fuck themselves.”
“Even though that’s biologically physically anatomically impossible,” Amadeus noted.
“Exactly,” Renfield grinned.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 9th
2019.
The Controller of The Golem In Prague
The Controller of The Golem In Prague
The Mossad agent code named the Controller of The Golem stood on the Charles Bridge in Prague the capital of the Czech Republic.
The Charles Bridge had been built back in 1357 by Charles IV the King of Bohemia and the Holy Roman Emperor.
The Controller was to meet in a rendezvous with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
Back on February 19th of this year, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith while wearing a Karl Lagerfeld evening gown had, with the help of a hypnotized Count Dracula, stolen the inanimate body of the Golem of Prague from the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue.
The inanimate body of the Golem of Prague was being held for ransom on the vampiress Lilith’s heavily guarded country estate outside Astana Kazakhstan.
Earlier today however Lilith had sent an encrypted coded message to the Controller of the Golem saying that she would return the Golem’s inanimate body to him tonight on the Charles Bridge in Prague with no questions asked.
The Controller naturally expected a trap which was why he was wearing a bullet proof vest as he walked across the bridge.
It was then that the Controller recognized a large centaur walking at an easy pace across the bridge.
The Controller of the Golem recognized the centaur as Acheronus a centaur who came from Acheron the River of Woe in the Underworld of Hades.
An eccentric Interpol friend of the Controller- Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol- had sent the Mossad agent a picture of the equine-homo sapien hybrid beast from Hades earlier this year.
The Controller did not pay much attention to the Centaur as Acheronus was mainly known for shooting and killing climate change deniers, people who pollute the environment and U.S. country club Republicans with his poisonous bows and arrows.
Imagine the Controller’s surprise therefore when a poisoned arrow came right through his bullet proof vest (which wasn’t arrow proof).
The Controller of the Golem collapsed at the foot of the Crucifix on the Charles Bridge in Prague.
. . .
The Mossad agent code named Star of Azazel received a text message from Hephaestus the blacksmith of the Greek gods.
Hephaestus who was currently working on a pair of horse shoes for Acheronus the Centaur informed Star of Azazel that the centaur assassin’s mission seemed to be a success.
Star of Azazel (who knew the codes for supposedly encrypted messages from the vampiress Lilith to Mossad) smiled.
His fellow agent the Controller of the Golem could have been a major pain in the ass in this matter of the mysterious death of Jeffrey Epstein.
. . .
The Controller of The Golem raised his head above the pavement and looked up at the figure of Christ on the Crucifix.
The Controller found it ironic that Acheronus would shoot at him so that he would fall at this particular spot.
“Maybe you really are The Lord after all, Yeshua,” the Controller said thinking about his grandmother.
His grandmother had converted to Christianity before she died and so was considered the black sheep of the family.
Just before he left his Prague hotel room for his supposed meeting with Lilith on the Charles Bridge, a pterodactyl drone (invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher) had tapped his robotic reptilian beak and robotic reptilian claws on his hotel room window.
When he opened the window, the pterodactyl drone presented him with a handwritten note from his friend Dr. Cadbury Rocher as well as a package containing a vest.
The note from Dr. Rocher read, “Please wear this poisoned arrow proof vest under your bullet proof vest for your meeting on the Charles Bridge tonight. Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster recommends it as he just received a vision of treachery and skulduggery.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 19th
2019.
Kwan Yin and Kim and Moon and The Surprise “Hollywood” Style Summit
Kwan Yin and Kim and Moon and the Surprise “Hollywood” Style Summit
After Donald Trump threw a temper tantrum and pulled red spider monkeys out of his hair and cancelled the June 12th Singapore Peace Summit in an announcement this past Thursday May 24th, Kwan Yin the Asian Buddhist goddess of mercy had asked Thoth the Egyptian god of wisdom, the moon and magic along with his immortal formerly mortal companion Serena the Time Traveler to go to the Underworld realm of Hades and ask the entity Hades (known to the Romans as Pluto) to release the ghost of the great film director Orson Welles from Purgatory.
In the past, Hades normally had to consult with the earthly Pope of Rome before he could do such things but since the current Pope Francis no longer believed in Purgatory (or even Hell for that matter), he was able to immediately accede to Kwan Yin’s request.
The ghost of Orson Welles left Hades saying, “Paul Masson will sell no wine 🍷 before its time but Hades will release my ghost before my time.”
Thoth and Serena escorted Welles to the DMZ (demilitarized zone) on the Korean Peninsula where Kwan Yin gave Welles a deadline of 48 hours to arrange a surprise “Hollywood” style summit between North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and South Korean President Moon Jae-in.
Welles never followed deadlines much in his mortal life (which is why most American film studios in Hollywood became reluctant to work with him) but what he had failed to do in life, he achieved in death.
The surprise summit happened today Saturday May 26th 2018.
Also present at the surprise summit were Kwan Yin herself as well as the Chinese Communist vampiress Meiling Manchu (who had recently broken with Chinese President Xi Jinping on the grounds he had become a Mao like cult leader and total totalitarian despot) and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
Kim and Moon agreed to carry on talks for a planned Singapore Peace Summit between Trump and Kim on June 12th.
Meiling and Qonzilqointec were to go to the White House in Washington DC and hold down the Trumpster while the immortal London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes tomatoed the toupee wearing blowhard’s buttocks with her whip until he agreed to go to the summit as planned.
When Moon and Kim finished their meeting, Orson Welles asked Kwan Yin if it would not be possible for his ghost to remain out of Hades for a while so he could visit London, England 🏴 of which he had fond memories.
Kwan Yin, Thoth and Serena then text messaged Hades on their Divine Celestial Samsung Galaxy 6 Billion Model Smart Phones and put in a special request for the successful director of the surprise “Hollywood” style summit in the Korean Peninsula’s demilitarized zone to spend some more time out of the realm of Hades.
Hades agreed.
He had no objections.
Especially since Welles was consuming most of the wine 🍷 available in the Underworld to the dismay of other clients and patrons.
Kwan Yin the Buddhist Goddess of Mercy
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 26th
2018.
Satanic Rock Stars, Justin Trudeau, Trump Vs. Dorian and DARPA Looks For Tunnels
August 29, 2019 at 10:57 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (DARPA, Donald Trump, Harvey Tallbanger, Hurricane Dorian, Justin Trudeau, Puerto Rico, Renfield R. Renfield, The State of Florida, Underworld of Hades, Zeus' Kraken Cometh)
Satanic Rock Stars, Justin Trudeau, Trump Vs. Dorian and DARPA Looks For Tunnels
“Teaching the doctrine of the actual real existence of Hell was the biggest defect in Jesus Christ’s character.”
-Bertrand Russell
“So, what are you looking at on the Net?” Amadeus Emanon asked his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
“At a news item that Lady Gaga, Ariana Grande and a bunch of other demonically inspired losers in today’s music industry are planning a rock concert Rock Stars For Murdering Babies,” Renfield replied.
“Do they intend that to be the Woodstock of the year 2019?” Inquired a shocked Amadeus.
“Oh, most likely,” Renfield nodded.
. . .
Meanwhile in Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was issuing a blistering attack on Federal Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer.
Foamed Trudeau as his head spun around 360 degrees and he spewed out French green pea soup in Linda Blair style fashion, “Mr. Scheer does not support the values of the demons Baal and Baphomet. For as we all know the values of Baal and Baphomet are Canadian values. How do we know they’re Canadian values? Because being the cultural Marxist and progressive Fascist that I am, I say that they are Canadian values. To disagree with me and my fellow anal retentive social justice warriors is high treason and constitutes hate crimes of the highest magnitude.”
. . .
In Britain, the pro-EU group Best For Britain (financed by leftist billionaire George Soros) said that in lieu of Queen Elizabeth II granting UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s request for proroguing Parliament, what happened to King Charles 1st 370 years ago in 1649 might happen to the Queen this year.
. . .
Donald Trump (speaking to the news media after having wiped cream pie off his face some 24 hours earlier), “As we all know the people of Florida face the possibility of Hurricane Dorian barrelling down on top of them over the Labour Day weekend. We in this Administration will joyously and happily give them all the support, aid and money that they need should disaster happen. After all, it’s not the people of Florida’s fault that they live in an area often hit by hurricanes. And even more importantly I own a lot of resorts and golf courses in Florida. Whereas of course I don’t own any resorts or golf courses in Puerto Rico. I could stand to lose a lot of money if anything happens to my property in Florida. This would truly be a tragedy for this great nation if that were to occur. And someday, the Norse god Thor willing, I shall own a resort and golf course in Greenland.”
Trump then boarded a helicopter where another cream pie was thrown in his face by the 6 foot 8 tall invisible bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger.
“Shit! Not again!” Trump cried out.
. . .
Yesterday Wednesday August 28th DARPA (the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency) also known as the “Mad Scientists’ Wing of the Pentagon” put out a twitter tweet asking for a city based tunnel the size of a shopping centre with several layers and maybe even a few atriums to it be made available to them (DARPA) as soon as possible and please let them know by Friday August 30th 2019 at 5:00 PM (DARPA local time).
The strange request which only a James Bond super villain or Lex Luthor or The Joker (from Batman) would probably be able to fulfill did receive a few replies.
Someone asked if DARPA was looking for Demogorgon (a character from the Dungeons and Dragons role playing game known by his titles “Prince of Demons” and “Lord of All That Swims In Darkness”).
DARPA tweeted back that “Demogorgon was a Department of Energy thing” not a DARPA thing.
Justin Trudeau was secretly pleased by the amount of Canadian cannabis that DARPA and U.S. Department of Energy employees were consuming.
. . .
“Not believing in the actual real existence of Hell was the biggest defect in Bertrand Russell’s character.”
-Renfield R. Renfield
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 29th
2019.
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