Saturn Kronos Heads To The North ₱ole
World famous genetically created satyr ₱an Goatee was once again riding a bus.
Napoleon Returns To Earth On His Coronation’s 217th Anniversary
Napoleon Bonaparte the Emperor Napoleon I had returned to Earth up from the Underworld on this December 2nd 2021 which was the 217th Anniversary of his Coronation.
Napoleon and his wife Josephine had been crowned Emperor and Empress of France at Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral back on December 2nd 1804.
Napoleon vomited ectoplasm all over the place when he walked by a television screen that showed the architects’ plans for a Disney like theme park in the rebuilt Notre Dame Cathedral.
“This Emmanuel Macron should be removed from power for allowing such an abomination of desolation and incredibly bad taste to take place,” Napoleon’s ghost thought to himself.
This was a different opinion than Pope Francis had expressed to one of his aides when he remarked that “I always thought Mickey Mouse’s portrayal of the sorcerer (or was it his apprentice?) in the 1940 film Fantasia was the perfect animated film portrayal of my own personal God of Surprises. Therefore a Disney themed park Notre Dame in Paris is a perfect architectural display of my brilliantly written motu proprio issued Apostolic Letter Traditionis custodes.”
A Swiss cuckoo who escaped from a Swiss cuckoo clock crapped all over Jose Mario Bergoglio after he made the pronouncement.
As for Napoleon, he continued walking around London which was to be the beginning of his earthly mission.
He wasn’t quite sure what this mission was.
Nor was he sure of what caused his dispensational release from Purgatory.
He was just relieved that the three-headed dog Cerberus hadn’t bitten him when he left the Underworld.
. . .
The Set News Network was showing an old movie clip of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler giving a fiery speech at a Nuremberg rally.
For audio, the voice was not that of Hitler screaming but of Twitter’s new CEO Parag Agrawal screaming,
“The company’s rule going forward is not to be bound by the First Amendment. It is to focus less on thinking about free speech, but thinking about how the times have changed. Most people can speak. Well our rule is particularly to be emphasized who can be heard.”
A group of Twitter tweeting birds entered the Nuremberg stadium shouting in unison with their right legs extended, “Sieg heils. Sieg heils.”
. . .
Napoleon’s ghost walked by a pub which had a radio on.
This was the top of the hour news:
“A court has ordered the FDA to release its documents on the Pfizer vaccine. The first batch of documents shows that there were over 1,200 vaccine deaths within the first 90 days…”
“British MP Renfield R. Renfield has taken over that radio station,” UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson pulled his messy uncombed unkempt hair as he walked by, “That radio station is now reporting the facts. We can’t have that. This isn’t an episode of the old radio program Dragnet with Jack Webb with its emphasis on “Just the facts, ma’am. Just the facts.” This is supposed to be news. Not facts. Not truth.”
Johnson was kicked in the butt by a small teddy bear who was dressed in the army uniform of an early 19th Century French general.
“Where did that bear come from?” Napoleon’s ghost wondered.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 2nd
2021.
This French countess isn’t planning to attend anyone’s coronation in this new Abomination of Desolation revamped Disney themed Notre Dame Cathedral.
The Dog Days of August
It was on this date (August 19th) back in 14 AD that the Roman Emperor Caesar Augustus kicked the bucket (having successfully crossed off Become Ruler of the Known World on his bucket list).
Rumours abounded at the time that he had been poisoned by his wife the Empress Livia.
. . .
“What is this?” Caesar Augustus asked his wife Livia.
“Your favourite,” Livia smiled as she handed him the plate, “Roasted mushrooms.”
“Where are the food tasters?” Augustus looked around.
“I gave them the night off,” Livia poured herself a goblet of wine.
“Gave them the night off?” Augustus’ face turned ashen white (If a Marxist Critical Race Theory professor of Classics and Ancient History had been there, he or she or it (if they belonged to the category of gender confused in the Alphabet Soup community) would have called Caesar Augustus out as the supreme example of white privilege).
Caesar Augustus ate the mushrooms.
“I don’t feel so well,” Caesar Augustus wiped his brow.
“I brought you some nice looking grapes,” Livia put a bowl of delicious looking grapes down in front of Augustus.
“They do look good,” Augustus noted.
He had one.
And another.
And then another…
Until he had finished them all.
“I think I’m dying,” Caesar Augustus stated.
“I’m not surprised,” Livia answered, “I put enough poison in those mushrooms and grapes to kill a horse.”
At that moment a horse neighed loudly from the stables before finally biting the dust.
Both Augustus and horse passed into the midsts of Sheol.
And the dog star Sirius continued on its merry way.
Livia when she was younger before she became Roman Empress and a terrible cook.
-A short story
written by Christopher
Thursday August 19th
2021.
Andrea Angelicus and The Mega-Investor
Andrea Angelicus
Andrea Angelicus (the woman they call the Phoenix Woman) was flying on a luxury private jet owned by one of the world’s wealthiest mega-investors.
“An excellent cocktail,” Andrea said as she sipped it.
“I call it the Scarlet Pimpernel,” said the mega-investor.
“Scarlet Pimpernel?” Andrea smiled at him, “You strike me as being more like Citizen Chauvelin rather than the Scarlet Pimpernel.”
“Are you saying that I’m a villain?” The mega-investor inquired.
“You said it,” Andrea put her drink down on the table, “I didn’t.”
The mega-investor was one of the big wigs behind the annual Davos Summit and a promoter of the Great Reset.
He also financed various Neo-Trotskyite revolutions around the globe.
He would bring about that global Soviet Union that Trotsky failed to produce because Trotsky was pushed out by Josef Stalin in becoming the master of the Russian based Soviet Union.
“I’m awaiting a phone call,” the mega-investor finished his own Scarlet Pimpernel, “An acquaintance of mine is stealing information that is necessary for my next chess move.”
Andrea returned to their own chess game aboard the plane.
As the mega-investor moved his white bishop, Andrea moved her black queen and took his king.
“Checkmate,” she smiled.
The mega-investor’s phone rang.
“What?” The mega-investor was shocked, “He’s dead?”.
The mega-investor put his phone back in his pocket.
Looking at Andrea, the mega-investor said, “My acquaintance was killed trying to steal that information I needed.”
“How disappointing,” Andrea finshed her Scarlet Pimpernel cocktail.
She then vanished.
. . .
A T-Rex ET was going through the files in the filing cabinets at Set Enterprises.
The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set insisted on keeping paper files of everything just on the off chance the world’s computers might someday be hit by an EMP (electromagnetic pulse) and all computerized electronic records were lost.
As the T-Rex ET went through the files, Extremely Curious George (the stegosaurus genetically created by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) entered the room and noticed the evil looking creature.
Approaching stealthily, George used his spiked tail to strike the T-Rex ET in the area of his heart.
The T-Rex ET fell over dead.
And a mega-investor had lost one of his acquaintances.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 11th
2021.
The Kraken Visits Conflans-Sainte-Honorine
The Kraken known as Napoleon VI was the leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party and was a sitting member of the French National Assembly.
He, along with his wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon, was currently visiting the French town of Conflans-Sainte-Honorine some 30 km (20 miles) northwest of central Paris.
They were here under sad circumstances.
To visit the College du Bois d’Aulne where a teacher at the school Samuel Paty had been beheaded yesterday by an Islamist terrorist as he walked down a street heading from the school towards his home.
Mr. Paty had been a history and geography teacher at the school and had recently given a class lecture on freedom of thought and freedom of expression with reference to Charlie Hebdo a French satirical magazine that had published cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad in 2015.
For that action, the office of Charlie Hebdo was attacked by Islamist terrorists and several members of the staff were killed.
The trial over that attack had recently begun.
Three weeks ago an Islamist terrorist had stabbed a couple of people outside the former offices of Charlie Hebdo apparently oblivious to the fact that the satirical magazine had moved to another location.
Mr. Paty had shown his class pictures of the cartoons that Charlie Hebdo magazine had published.
This made Samuel Paty a marked man.
The murderer of Mr. Paty was Abdoulakh A. an 18-year-old Chechen from Russia who lived in the Normandy town of Evreux about 100 km (62 miles) from the murder scene and had no apparent previous connection with the teacher or the school.
Apparently Abdoulakh had waited outside the school this past Friday and had asked students to identify the teacher.
He followed Mr. Paty who was walking home and attacked him, inflicting multiple wounds to his head and then beheading him.
The Islamist terrorist then posted images on social media of his victim and his severed head.
As he continued to post photos on Twitter referring to President Emmanuel Macron and the French as “infidels” and “dogs”, police approached him.
The terrorist fired at police with an airgun.
They returned fire and the terrorist was shot 9 times in all.
His subsequent demise saved the Fifth Republic of France the cost of an expensive trial.
The Kraken and Medusa talked to some of Samuel Paty’s students- current and former.
A father of one of the students had posted on Twitter “My daughter is in pieces, terrorized by the violence of such an act. How will I explain to her the unthinkable?”.
Samuel Paty had been a well-liked teacher at the school.
One of Mr. Paty’s former students Martial, 16, had said that the teacher absolutely loved his job, “He really wanted to teach us things.Sometimes we held debates in class.”
After talking to the students and laying flowers at the site where Mr. Paty was slain, the Kraken phoned his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield to discuss the growing terrorist threat in France.
Meanwhile down in the Underworld, Abdulakh A. was expecting to be rewarded with 72 dark-eyed virgins and lots of cosmic celestial sex.
Imagine his surprise when the three-headed dog Cerberus escorted him to a rotating barbeque spit over an open fire where he’d be spending his next eternity.
“Where are the 72 dark-eyed virgins that were promised me?” Abdulakh screamed as a trio of one-eyed cyclops giants tied him to the spit and began the neverending rotation.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday October 17th
2020.
Hermes, Ares and The Inca Vampiress Huchuysisa
Ares the Greek god of war had gone to Miami to visit his brother Hermes.
Since the 12 Olympians, like most gods and goddesses of the world’s ancient pantheons, have all started using messenger apps on their smart phones, tablets and laptops, there was no real reason to use a messenger god like Hermes anymore.
Hence Hermes had retired to Miami.
Ares had gone to Miami to boast to Hermes about his actions in trying to start wars in various parts of the world.
Ares found Hermes lying on a sandy beach.
The messenger god was wearing dark sunglasses and covered in Coppertone lotion.
“So, what have you been up to?” Hermes lit himself a joint.
“Well, I’m trying to start a war between India and China,” Ares started reading off the list of his accomplishments, “Recently at the Galwan River Valley in Ladakh, I’ve had Chinese troops attacking Indian soldiers using iron rods studded with nails since under the terms of a 1996 bilateral agreement, neither side shall open fire with guns or explosives. At least 20 Indian soldiers are dead and of course Beijing is as usual quiet about the number of casualties on its side.”
Hermes opened himself a bottle of Corona beer and started sipping it, “What else have you done?”.
“Well, I’ve had North Korea blow up its liaison office with South Korea in the border town of Kaesong and my friend Lady MacBeth has been whispering in the ears of Kim Yo-jong (sister of Kim Jong-un) the acting leader of North Korea these days to say further military action against South Korea is on its way,” Ares smiled from ear to ear unbeknownst to the fact that he was being lusted after by a Catholic priest monsignor from a Basilica in Washington DC.
Ares then received a notification on his smart phone, “This is wonderful. Troops from Nepal have been put on alert in their border region with India.”
“You seem to be working overtime to start World War III,” Hermes helped himself to a cheese and tomato sandwich from his picnic basket.
“I am,” Ares flexed his muscles causing the gay Catholic monsignor to swoon on the beach, “I’ve also had Turkey threatening war against Israel if Israel decides to annex large swathes of the West Bank next month. And earlier this month, the Kingdom of Jordan threatened similar military action against Israel.”
“Why is Benjamin Netanyahu so anxious to annex a large portion of the West Bank next month anyways?” Hermes started eating a lox cream and cheese bagel.
“Well, according to a Renfield R. Renfield podcast I heard recently, it’s because Donald Trump’s polling numbers are so low and Netanyahu fears Trump may not be re-elected this November. So the Israeli Prime Minister is going to annex the West Bank while he’s still got a friendly administration in Washington DC, ” the Greek god of war put some Coppertone lotion on his bare legs.
“So it’s the American electorate’s fault for backing the Communist Neo-Menshevik and Neo-Bolshevik Democrats against the would-be American Caesar Donald Trump that an all-out war may start in the Middle East next month?” Hermes noted that his ice cream cone had melted in the sun.
“Yes, one thing you can always count on is for the American voter to do something outrageously stupid,” Ares grinned.
Hermes decided to go buy another ice cream cone.
Since the ice cream stand was closed, he went back to his condo.
A woman was entering the door of the condo next door.
“Who’s that?” Ares asked.
“That’s my next door neighbour the Inca vampiress Huchuysisa,” Hermes answered, “Her life is apparently in danger from both the Inca earth mother goddess Pachamama (whom Jamie Manson the bull headed bull dyke columnist for the National Apostate Reporter worships) and the flaming head of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.”
“Maybe she could use a Greek for protection,” Ares mused.
“I hope he doesn’t want to use a Trojan for protection,” the Catholic monsignor standing directly behind Ares mused.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 19th
2020.
Renfield Discusses Bozos Heading Amnesty Canada International, The Coming Middle East War and Drones Hitting Saudi Refinery
Renfield Discusses Bozos Heading Amnesty International Canada, The Coming Middle East War and Drones Hitting Saudi Refinery
“I am NOT an impotent bed wetter with a small penis.”
-Alex Neve, Secretary-General of Amnesty International Canada snivelling in response to the latest political volley shot at him by Alberta Premier Jason Kenney
When asked by the news media to drop his trousers and his drawers in order to provide substantial empirical proof to back up his denial, Mr. Neve declined to do so.
Meanwhile over in London England, British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn stood up and left a pub when he saw the Egyptian god Anubis enter.
Meanwhile in another corner of the pub, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his friend Amadeus Emanon were discussing the world geopolitical situation.
“So, what’s this war of words going on in Canada between Alex Neve the Secretary-General of Amnesty International Canada and Alberta Premier Jason Kenny?” Amadeus asked as he ordered the Alberta Angus steak sandwich medium rare.
“Well Alex Neve being your typical Marxist-Leninist inclined climate change obsessed radical environmentalist nut case thinks that building pipelines and putting people in Alberta’s oil and gas industry back to work is a gross violation of human rights,” Renfield replied.
“That’s kind of a different claim to make,” Amadeus sipped his tea.
“It’s not how Lenin, Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and the current House of Saud’s idea of violating human rights would work but then Canada is a country that recently legalized marijuana,” Renfield pointed out.
“What can I get you for dinner, sir?” The waitress asked Renfield.
“The two piece cod Fish and Chips, please,” Renfield handed her back the menu.
“So, what do you think of the possibility of a major regional war breaking out in the Middle East sometime in the foreseeable future?” Amadeus asked.
“Well, it’s always possible that a major Middle East regional war won’t break out this year although even that possibility is becoming more and more unlikely,” Renfield said, “however in the longer term, saying that a Middle East regional war will NOT break out in the next few years makes about as much sense as saying that someday a member of America’s contemporary so-called progressive/liberal left will actually come to understand what Marxist-Leninism and Fascism actually are in their historical antecedents rather than in the pseudointellectual dream world that most American progressives and liberals seem to exist in.”
“Wow, then that definitely does not look good for world peace,” Amadeus admitted.
“And it may not look good for world peace in the very very immediate future if Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud Party continues to do poorly in the polls in the next few days leading up to the Israeli general Election,” said Renfield, “Netanyahu is the sort of political personality that would prefer World War III breaking out rather than the absolutely horrific (in his opinion) possibility that he might cease being Prime Minister of Israel. Even saying he’d annex the Jordan Valley and the northern Dead Sea area didn’t give Netanyahu the boost in the polls that he desires. So obviously he may have to resort to the last resort of starting a war with Iran in order to save his political skin.”
“I see someone launched a drone attack on the oil refinery at the Abqaiq facility and the Khurais oil field run by Saudi Aramco in Saudi Arabia early this morning,” Amadeus noted, “The closure will impact 5 million barrels of crude oil processing per day which is half of Saudi crude oil production and 5 percent of the world’s daily oil production. We may soon see $100 per barrel oil.”
“That’s right,” Renfield nodded, “The Houthi rebels of Yemen are claiming responsibility for the drone attacks while others are saying that it’s Iran itself behind the attacks. U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo who seems to have replaced John Bolton as the war hawk in the Trump Administration is now making the claim that it’s Iran itself which is behind the attacks.”
Meanwhile in that other corner of the pub, Anubis the Egyptian jackal headed god was reading a copy of the Last Will and Testament of Czar Nicholas II of Russia that was given to him by Virgil the longest serving librarian at the Bodleian Library at Oxford.
Meanwhile the Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess Atargatis had shape shifted into human form and had traveled back in time and was now a Russian countess at her palatial manor in Saint Petersburg on the eve of the Bolshevik Revolution.
She stood at the window of the manor alongside her dog.
The Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing (who had likewise traveled back in time) approached her.
“Do you know where Apophis is?” Van Helsing asked Atargatis.
“On the battleship Aurora,” the goddess answered.
“That’s what I thought,” said Van Helsing.
Apophis was the Great Serpent in ancient Egyptian religion and the ancient Egyptian god of chaos and destruction.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 14th
2019.
Ghosts Galore
The entertainer in the pub sang, “I’m Henry VIII I am, I am, I just got married to the widow next door, she’s been married 7 times before and everyone was a Henry – Henr-ee so that makes me Henry the Eighth I am…”
Outside the pub waiting for him was the ghost of Henry VIII and the ghost of his executioner.
“I didn’t find your song very humourous,” Henry harrumphed, “off with his head.”
The executioner swung his ghostly axe and the axe passed harmlessly through the entertainer’s head.
“I see you don’t know how to manifest spiritual objects into a material reality,” Pan Goatee laughed as he astral projected by on his way to a replication of the Bohemian Grove ceremony on the banks of the Thames.
“Me? I thought it was you who was going to bring the statue of the giant owl,” former British Prime Minister Tony Blair said in exasperation to the current Archbishop of Canterbury.
. . .
The ghost of Josef Stalin stood in shock on Brazil’s Copacabana Beach at the massive crowd of young people cheering Pope Francis.
A booming voice seemed to echo out of the heavens, “Well Joe you stupid ass, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again after you kicked the bucket. Well now you know how many soldiers the Pope has.”
Stalin’s ghost looked up and saw a huge cloud in the shape of Sir Winston Churchill’s head smoking a giant cigar.
. . .
Adolf Hitler’s ghost sat in Rush Limbaugh’s huge dressing room and waited for the enormously stout talk show host to return.
The Fuhrer’s spirit tried to help himself to a piece of chicken from one of the 6 dozen buckets of KFC that sat on the dressing room table awaiting Mr. Limbaugh’s return.
But since he didn’t know how to project material objects into a spiritual reality, he couldn’t.
When Rush returned, the Fuhrer greeted him enthusiastically.
Speaking in a thick German accent and spraying his own moustache with his enthusiasm, the Fuhrer said, “I really love your show and agree with everything you say. The non-whites in this country are getting far too uppity in my opinion.”
. . .
The Greek vampire Hades used the remote to turn off his satellite TV and then spoke to one of his aides, “You know the reception is so bad underground. We really should think about switching over to Cable.”
“I’ll look into it, sir,” his aide replied.
“But still despite the blurry picture, it still gives me some idea of the chaos that exists above,” Hades helped himself to some pomegranate seeds, “we must see what we can do about getting Cerberus back to his guard dog position again so we can stop all these damned spirits from crossing back over the River Styx to the world above.”
“I’ll see what I can do, sir,” his aide remarked.
“It’s all so frustrating,” Hades hit his forehead, “where’s Persephone when you really need her? All this masturbation starts to get on one’s nerves after a while.”
“You’re forgetting that it’s summer on Mount Olympus, sir,” his aide reminded him.
“Why doesn’t anyone remember to turn over the page on this damned calendar?” Hades snapped as he turned over the calendar several pages.
. . .
On one side of the River Styx, Chris de Burgh sang, “Don’t pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side…”
On Mount Olympus, Vincent Price spoke as he watched Michael Jackson dance on the moon,
“Darkness falls across the land,
The midnight hour is close at hand…”
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 26th 2013
Dracul Van Helsing 
Donald Trump: I’m The Second Coming of God and There’s Something Rotten In The State of Denmark
August 21, 2019 at 10:48 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, Donald Trump, Greenland, Lexington, Mette Frederiksen, The Kingdom of Denmark, The New King of Israel, The Second Coming of God, Underworld)
Donald Trump: I’m The Second Coming of God and There’s Something Rotten In The State of Denmark
Donald Trump was sitting up in his high chair in the White House dining room with a bib around his neck and his arms folded and was busy pouting, “Well, I’m not going to go to Denmark if I can’t buy Greenland. I’m going to cancel my state visit to Denmark so there.”
“Very good, sir,” Lexington his British butler and valet sighed, “Are you planning on finishing your mashed peas?”.
He pointed towards Trump’s plate.
“No, I’m not,” Trump answered in petulant fashion, “I don’t have to eat my mashed peas if I don’t want to.”
The President threw his spoon on the floor in a childish temper tantrum.
Lexington removed the spoon from the floor and the plate of mashed peas from the President’s high chair tray.
When Lexington left the room, Trump turned his attention to his long suffering teddy bear in the next high chair and started complaining to him, “WAAAAH! Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen called my offer to buy Greenland “absurd”. How dare she call it absurd! Calling it an absurd idea. That was a nasty thing to say. All she had to say was “no”. But she called it an absurd idea. That was so nasty! What sort of person goes around saying nasty things?”.
Trump picked up his smart phone and quickly tweeted that Jews who voted for the Democratic Party were “traitors”.
He also tweeted more uncomplimentary language about the 4 Democratic Congresswomen whom he now referred to as “AOC plus three”.
Lexington returned with Donald Trump’s dessert and put it down on the high chair tray in front of the President.
“Lexington!” Trump ordered, “I want you to call Ivanka and get her to summon an emergency meeting of the cabinet and national security council. I’m going to sign an Executive Order proclaiming that all Cinnamon Danish buns bought and sold in the U.S. can no longer be called Cinnamon Danish buns. They’ll have to be called Cinnamon Florida buns. Florida is a great state. Denmark isn’t. There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark.”
“Very good, sir,” Lexington left the dining room to call Ivanka.
Trump turned his attention back to his long suffering teddy bear, “Teddy, you know what a conservative political commentator said about me and Israeli Jews. He said Israeli Jews (who aren’t traitors) think of me as the new King of Israel and the Second Coming of God.”
Despite his inanimate state, the long suffering teddy bear grimaced into a sheer expression of horror (the same expression that Mr. Bean’s teddy bear had on his face the night Mr. Bean lost his virginity).
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 21st
2019.
Summoning the spirit behind the new King of Israel and the 2nd Coming of God
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