Renfield For President

February 8, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield For President

Renfield R. Renfield informed Amadeus Emanon that he intended to run for President of the United States.

Grinning like the cow who had jumped over the moon because Red Bull had given her wings, Renfield smiled, “A large group of American bloggers have been urging me to run so I’ve decide to accede to their requests.”

“But you weren’t born in the U.S.,” Amadeus pointed out, “you were genetically created in a lab in Britain.”

“So not being born in the U.S. is no longer a problem in U.S. Presidential politics,” Renfield smiled as he looked at a copy of a phony birth certificate the then U.S. Territory of Hawaii issued to Sun Yat-sen (the future founder and President of the Republic of China) back in the late 19th Century, “the current President may have been born in Kenya. The winner of the Iowa Republican State Caucuses was born in Canada. And as for being genetically created in a lab, 50 years from now, everyone will be genetically created in a lab. I’m just a man ahead of my time.”

“Your watch is 5 minutes fast,” Amadeus admitted as he pointed it out.

Renfield took off his Rolex and started winding it.

“Which party are you going to run for? Republican or Democrats?”
Amadeus asked.

“I’m going to run as a write-in candidate on both Republican and Democratic ballots in the various caucuses and primaries,” Renfield grinned, “who knows maybe I’ll win both Party nominations and I can wind up saving the U.S. taxpayer the cost of holding a Presidential election this November. The election can be cancelled and everyone in both houses of Congress can unanimously elect me President of the United States. The ghost of Josef Stalin will be so proud.”

“So what have you been working on?” Amadeus asked with some trepidation as he looked at Renfield’s computer screen.

“My TV campaign commercial for President,” Renfield smiled as he blew his nose into a handkerchief with Uncle Sam’s picture on it.

“Can I see it?” Amadeus asked.

Renfield touched the play button.

The commercial played.

Announcer: Today, America has become the laughing stock of the world…

(various short news clips are shown)

Bill Clinton: I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman…

George W. Bush: There ARE Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.

Barack Obama: The U.S. is winning the war against ISIL… that everyone else insists on calling ISIS…

(In the background, a video is shown of ISIS fighters wearing black t-shirts that say It’s ISIS You Moron! beheading U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry)

Hillary Clinton (as Secretary of State in 2012) : As Goddess Oprah is my witness regarding those emails, I honestly thought Benghazi was the name of a Jewish actor in Hollywood…

Donald Trump: Everyone else running in this campaign is a loser…

(A strong downtown Manhattan wind blows Trump’s toupee away and he goes running down the street after it)

Announcer: It’s time for a President of whom America can be proud:

(A clip is shown of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Rowan Atkinson asking Renfield R. Renfield for his autograph)

… Renfield R. Renfield…

… he’ll be tough when it comes to negotiating with America’s enemies…

(A clip is shown of Renfield sitting at a table right across from Vladimir Putin looking at him face-to-face and staring at him eyeball to eyeball)

(Renfield reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a gun and shoots Putin point blank in the face killing him instantly)

One of Putin’s aides (shouting excitedly in Russian): My God, he’s shot and killed the President of the Motherland!

Renfield (feeling around in his pockets and shouting to his aides) : Does anyone remember in what pocket I left my f@!?*#%^g cigars?

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that the world’s most dangerous drug traffickers such as Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman will never escape lawful custody EVER again…

(A clip is shown of Renfield standing on a precipice overlooking the Grand Canyon alongside Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman showing the Mexican drug lord the majestic beauty and grandeur of the Grand Canyon)

(Renfield pushes Guzman into the Grand Canyon)

Last words of Guzman on this Earth (as he plunges downward): Arghhhhhhhhhhh…. !!!

… Renfield R. Renfield will provide honesty in government…

(A clip is shown of Renfield at the podium at a press conference facing the media)

Renfield: I did HAVE sexual relations with that woman… (points) … and… that woman… (points somewhere else) … and … that woman (points elsewhere yet again) and… that woman… (women are seen scurrying out of the press room as the camera tries to pan in on them when Renfield points in their direction)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that both houses of Congress will co-operate with the Executive branch of government to pass much needed legislation…

(Renfield is standing at the podium in Congress. He pulls out a machine gun and starts blasting away at various members. Some of the bullets ricochet up into the public gallery accidentally killing the President of the National Rifle Association who’s sitting in that gallery)

Renfield R. Renfield will make mincemeat of ISIS…

(ISIS prisoners are seen being escorted into the White House kitchen where the new White House chef Dr. Hannibal Lecter is awaiting them with a meat cleaver)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that even the local economies in America’s smaller states are well stimulated…

(Clip of Renfield whooping it up with a bunch of working girls in a hot tub on the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada)

… Renfield R. Renfield For President…

… Because… you need him, America…

(Clip of Renfield sitting on the edge of a desk grinning and smiling at the camera)

Renfield (grinning and smiling at the camera): No red spider monkeys were harmed in the making of the hair on my head.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
Thursday February 4th
to
Monday February 8th
2016.

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Abe Lincoln’s Shooting 150 Years On: Renfield’s Commentary

April 14, 2015 at 8:22 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Abe Lincoln’s Shooting 150 Years On: Renfield’s Commentary

Amadeus Emanon was listening to the radio because his friend Renfield R. Renfield was doing a guest editorial commentary on a local London radio station.

Said Renfield on the radio: For those too young to remember, it was 150 years ago tonight that Abraham Lincoln was shot while attending a performance of Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theatre in Washington D.C.

I don’t know if the audience received refunds when the rest of the evening’s performance was cancelled.

Today no doubt they’d be selling their tickets on eBay or Craigslist.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 14th
2015.

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7/11 Day 2013

July 11, 2013 at 10:39 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

“Mr. President,” the Secretary of State John Kerry addressed Barack  Obama, “we’ve got a response from the Chinese government over our strongly worded protest to them over Edward Snowden being allowed to leave the Hong Kong territory to go to Russia.”

“And what’s their response?” President Obama asked.

“Well it’s addressed to you personally sir,”  Secretary Kerry noted.

“Really?” The President looked quizzical, “What is it?”.

Secretary Kerry winced as he spoke it,  “They tell you to go —- yourself.”

“What?!” The President was livid, “How dare they?  Don’t they know that I’m the President of the United States?”.

                     *          *            *

“Of course I do,”  Chinese President Xi Jinping said as he fed a thousand year old egg to the dog under the table (a dog whose bark he did not like),  “that’s why I said it.”

The dog would never bark again.

                   *           *          *

Russian President Vladimir Putin sighed,  “The United States is becoming more and more arrogant with each passing day.  They’re treating other leaders of the world the same way Germany treated other European leaders back in the 1930s.”

                      *           *           *

Syrian President Bashar Assad looked at the document in front of him and said,  “Gentlemen, it’s time we carry out Project Asmodeus.”

None of his generals voiced disagreement.

                  *           *          *

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set looked at the unfolding chaos in Egypt being shown on the TV by BBC News and spoke to his valet, “You know Athelstan, none of this would be happening if Papa Ra had appointed me Pharaoh of Egypt instead of Osiris millennia ago.”

“Indeed, sir,”  Athelstan handed his boss a two minute boiled egg along with some toast and jam.

                 *         *          *

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was sitting inside the doctor’s office in the hospital in Bethlehem.

The Welsh werewolf was feeling somewhat sheepish.

He was here because he feared that he may have picked up a sexually transmitted disease from the town harlot- a beautiful and alluring and mysterious red headed woman who called herself Lilith.

The physician went over to the test tube filled with the penicillin and inserted a syringe.

He then took the syringe and injected Magog Rhys Petley.

And that’s how the spirit of Neb-Senu mysterious entity from planet Nibiru who had once sojourned in ancient Egypt and who had recently possessed a moving ancient Egyptian statue in a Manchester museum entered the body of Magog Rhys Petley.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Thursday evening
  July 11th 2013

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