Renfield and Ho Babylon Minh Torture Islamist Terrorists and Discuss Donald Trump

January 5, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )


Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh returning from a lunch of tea and crumpets at a trendy London tea shop to rejoin British MP Renfield R. Renfield in torturing 14 captured Egyptian Islamist terrorists in vengeance for last year’s December 28th terrorist attack on a Vietnamese tourist bus near the pyramids at Giza.

Ho Babylon Minh had to admit that crumpets with tea was indeed very good.

A quaint British custom that Ho found very alluring.

She also had to admit that she enjoyed working with British MP Renfield R. Renfield who seemed to have incorporated the best of oriental and occidental methods of torture.

It was nice to meet a Western politican who was capable of bringing the best of East and West together- albeit in a manner that groups such as Amnesty and Human Rights International would have found quite alarming.

The first time she and Renfield had worked together was last month when they had successfully poisoned Apple CEO Tim Cook in retaliation for the American government ordered pot smoking Canadian assisted arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou at Vancouver International Airport.

A lifelike AI robot lookalike of Tim Cook who looked and sounded exactly like Mr. Cook (one that had been built for Apple by Samsung because since Steve Jobs’ death, Apple had become incapable of building anything good) had unfortunately been crushed when a television camera from the Goodyear blimp fell on top of it at the start of the New Year.

Now Apple was squandering whatever profits it currently makes nowadays in an effort to pay Samsung to speedily reproduce a replacement.

The official Apple line was Mr. Cook was currently indisposed.

Whether this was due to a cold or a recent visit to a San Francisco health spa and steam baths, the Apple communique did not elaborate.

When Ho Babylon Minh heard about the devastating Islamist terrorist attack on her countrymen that killed 4 people and injured another 10, she immediately phoned Renfield for comfort.

Renfield said that he’d send his own private brigade of British Army Gurkhas (that was granted him under special arrangements with the Crown) to fly to Egypt clandestinely and capture 14 Islamist terrorists (the exact same number as those who were killed or injured on the Vietnamese tourist bus) and fly them back to Britain where they would be subject to Renfield’s own unique version of homespun British hospitality.

He invited Ho Babylon Minh to join him in the fun and games.

Ho gratefully accepted.

The very intricate torture procedures were of course recorded and filmed.

Renfield’s computers sent the imagery and sounds to various Islamist terrorist sites on the Net with the message, “This is what waits for you, you syphilis infested scumbags should you think of doing stuff like this.”

This particular Renfieldian torture for this occasion was done with robots.

As the others sat tied to chairs and watched behind locked glass, a terrorist was brought in and then strapped to a table.

A robot then put a small explosive into one of the terrorist’s limbs (be it an arm or leg) and then the explosive was detonated much to the terrorist’s chagrin.

The robot then sprayed fire into the resulting hole that would cauterize the blood flow and prevent the terrorist from bleeding to death.

The procedure was then repeated with the terrorist’s remaining limbs.

Finally after all four limbs had been blown off the terrorist’s body, an AI sex robot designed by Dr. Cadbury Rocher to look like one of the 72 dark eyed houri promised them in the Islamic Paradise approached them.

Seeing as how their head and their phallus was the only thing that remained on the terrorist’s body, the dark eyed houri sex robot mounted their phallus and then thrust herself upon him until he came.

In the background, Renfield played the song She’ll Be Coming Around The Mountain When She Comes.

When the terrorist came, so did the dark eyed houri sex robot.

However when the dark eyed houri sex robot came, her vaginal juices emitted a highly concentrated combination of both sulphuric and hydrochloric acid.

Needless to say, the terrorist found it an excruciatingly painful experience.

In the background, Renfield played an old and rare vintage album recording of W.C. Fields singing Frankly, I’d Rather Be In Philadelphia.

Finally a slow moving rotating saw was brought in to slowly cut off the Islamist terrorist’s head as Renfield played in the background the song As Time Goes By as sung by Dooley Wilson in the 1942 film Casablanca.

When this went on after 14 times, Renfield read on his Huawei smart phone that Donald Trump was once again stating that all those government employees who no longer had a paycheque coming in would continue to support him even if the shutdown went on for years because they all supported the idea of a wall with Mexico (which Trump had promised voters that Mexico would pay for when he was running for President).

“Donald Trump is an idiot,” Renfield stated aloud in a remark that Ho Babylon Minh thought was a brilliant grasp of the obvious.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 5th
2019.

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Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation Part 2

May 20, 2017 at 3:42 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

“The reason,” Miranda the mermaid looked at Nathan the Controller of the Golem, “that the mermaid goddess Atargatis wants to destroy Israel is because of her daughter Semiramis. Semiramis has formed an alliance with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who, of course, has always wanted to destroy Israel and the Jews because she claims that the Babylonian Talmud maligned and libeled her good name.”

“Yes, Lilith once poisoned my Scotch whisky with polonium-210 while I was sitting in a London pub,” Nathan recalled, “it was Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher who saved my life with an antidote to polonium-210 that he invented.”

“I heard about that, Nathan,” Miranda looked at him sympathetically.

“But what caused Semiramis to form an alliance with Lilith?” Nathan asked.

“Her first husband Nimrod returned to Earth a few years ago aboard a UFO with a bunch of ET grays,” Miranda explained, “and the ship crashed near Tuktoyaktuk, Canada north of the Arctic Circle. Nimrod’s body was recovered and taken to a secret lab near Washington DC. Lilith stole Nimrod’s body and brought him back to life. Only the magic kiss Lilith used to bring Nimrod back to life went awry and the princely ruler of ancient Babel was turned into a little green frog. He now hangs out between the breasts of Lilith in her low-cut evening dresses.”

“Sounds like Nimrod has become every teen-aged boy’s fantasy come true,” Nathan thought aloud to himself.

“Is it every human teen boy’s fantasy to be like Kermit the Frog?” Miranda looked quizzically at Nathan.

“Um… no,” Nathan shook his head. “so I take it that Semiramis has formed an alliance with Lilith since Nimrod has become (ahem!) so close to Lilith.”

“That is correct,” Miranda nodded.

“And Atargatis in turn has naturally joined in alliance with her daughter Semiramis who’s aligned with Lilith,” Nathan was beginning to see the light.

The morning sun peered through the aquarium lab’s windows.

Meanwhile in Saudi Arabia, U.S. President Donald Trump had arrived with First Lady Melania Trump.
Donald and Melania Trump
Donald: I didn’t see any mermaids down in the desert sands of Saudi Arabia.

Melania: That’s probably because they’re swimming in the ocean.

Over in London, vampire hunter and MI-6 operative Dracul Van Helsing had received a phone call from Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

“Dracul,” Whitstable began, “I’ve been doing some research on the famous 17th Century Jesuit scholar Father Athanasius Kircher. He apparently had in his possession some ancient Greek mechanism that was the equivalent of our analogue computers.It also served as an orrery to predict astronomical positions and eclipses. But according to the diary entry of Father Kircher’s I’ve come across, the mechanism could also be used to locate mermaids. Sadly the mechanism disappeared on the night of Father Kircher’s death.”

“You know what, Peter,” Dracul leafed through the pages of his ancestor Captain Dante Van Helsing’s journal, “I have an idea where that mechanism is now.”

“Where?” Whitstable asked.

“It’s now called the Antikythera Mechanism and it’s to be found in the National Archaeological Museum in Athens, Greece.” Van Helsing answered.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 20th
2017.

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Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation

May 19, 2017 at 4:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The mermaid who called herself Miranda had once again awakened in the salt water tank in the Israeli government aquatics laboratory in Tel Aviv.

The Controller of the Golem (a Mossad agent who went by that code name) came down to see her.

“Nice to see you awake, Miranda,” the Controller brought her roses wondering if a mermaid would like them.

She did.

She smelled them and smiled.

“Thank you, Nathan,” she said once again calling him by his first name known to few outside Mossad or the Israeli Prime Minister’s office.

“You’re welcome,” Nathan smiled at her.

Then she turned serious, “I landed on the beach at Tel Aviv to warn you and your people.”

“Warn us about what?” Nathan asked.

“The goddess Atargatis ancestress of all mermaids wants to destroy your nation,” Miranda looked grim.

Nathan knew his classical Near Eastern mythology.

Atargatis was a northern Syria goddess.

She was called Derketo by the Greeks and Dea Syriae by the Romans.

The goddess Atargatis fell in love with a mortal (a shepherd) and had a child by him- Semiramis.

One cruel day, Atargatis unintentionally killed her love and the father of her child.

Ashamed, she flung herself into a lake near Ashkelon and was turned into the form of a fish but the waters could not conceal her divine beauty.Thereafter she took the form of a mermaid- human above the waist, fish below.

Atargatis’ daughter Semiramis became a legendary Assyrian queen and was said to have been married to the biblical Nimrod (founder of Babel) and later Ninus (founder of the city of Nineveh).

A 19th Century Free Church of Scotland minister Alexander Hislop had several wet dreams about Semiramis inspiring him to label the Roman Catholic Church the Whore of Babylon and to write a book about the subject called The Two Babylons.

Nathan’s thoughts of his Ph.D Program in Classical Mythology at Cambridge University returned to the present.

“Why,” Nathan asked Miranda, “does the mermaid goddess Atargatis want to destroy Israel?”.

. . .

U.S. President Donald Trump was flying en route to Saudi Arabia when he was handed an NSA report that certain mermaids were plotting to destroy Israel.

Trump was angry when he read the report.

“How,” Trump blew both his top and his toupee, “am I supposed to tweet about this? Especially after I just called former FBI director James Comey a real nut job? And especially in lieu of the fact that polls indicate that some Americans think I’m off my rocker myself?”.

. . .

Dracul Van Helsing was reading the journal of one of his 17th Century ancestors Captain Dante Van Helsing.

The journal had been found floating in a wooden chest on the Aegian Sea after his ancestor’s ship The Virgil went down on his final voyage.

The last entry said that Dante had been turned on by the sight of sirens singing on a rock.

When he neared the rock, a mermaid who called herself Thessalonike of Macedon appeared.

Dracul knew that according to history, Thessalonike of Macedon was the half-sister of Alexander the Great.

According to legend, Alexander had found the Fountain of Immortality and had filled a flask of water from it.

He washed his sister’s hair with the flask.

When Alexander died, his grief-stricken sister threw herself into the sea.

Instead of drowning, she became an immortal mermaid.

When she encountered sailors, she always asked them the same question, “Is Alexander the king alive?”.

The correct answer in her opinion would be, “He lives and reigns and conquers the world.”

If given this answer, she would allow the crew and their ship to sail safely away in calm seas.

Any other answer would send her into a rage and she’d cause the waves to send the ship and every sailor on board to the bottom.

The journal entry ended with Dante saying that Thessalonike had just appeared.

Obviously Dante’s answer of Thessalonike’s question was not to her liking.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 19th
2017.

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Belvedere Interviews Donald Trump

February 12, 2017 at 4:20 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Satire, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

President Trump (to Belvedere): You’re the reporter from The Times of London?

Belvedere: That’s right.

Trump: But you’re the ghost of a ghost white salamander?

Belvedere: That’s also right.

Trump: Okay. I suppose that’s all right. Mitt Romney told me that the ghost of a ghost white salamander told him that I was descended from Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene.

(A news bulletin on the television in the next room said that actor Tom Hanks had just been rushed to hospital)

Belvedere: It wasn’t me.

Trump: It wasn’t? That’s too bad. If Mitt Romney had found the supporting documentation from the Mormon Church Archives, I’d have made him Secretary of State. But he didn’t. So instead I made that guy who’s Chairman of Exxon the Secretary of State. I forget his name but he used to offer me great deals on gasoline.

Belvedere: How do you like being President of the United States?

Trump: I love it but the court system in this country is a real pain in the ass to quote that guy in the next sauna next to me in that gym I used to go to in Manhattan.They won’t let me do what I want. What a bummer. Again quoting that guy next to me in the next sauna.

Belvedere: How do you feel about having your plans upset like that?

Trump: Well I often thought about making myself Emperor and then I wouldn’t have to deal with irritants like judges. Or even worry about getting re-elected for that matter.

Belvedere: Emperor?

Trump: Emperor of America. I mean Rome was a republic for over 200 years after they got rid of their kings. And then they became an Empire with an Emperor. Why can’t we do the same? It’s been over 240 years since George Washington and our forefathers booted King George III and his Hanoverian ass out of this country. We’ve been a republic for 240 years. We should try something new. Julius Caesar wanted to be Emperor of Rome but he got himself assassinated. Great leaders don’t get themselves assassinated in my opinion. That’s why I’m not planning on visiting the Capitol steps of the U.S. Senate on the Ides of March. Caesar Augustus made himself Emperor and didn’t get assassinated. I plan on being more like Caesar Augustus.

Belvedere: Some people think that Augustus was fed poisonous figs, grapes or mushrooms and that’s how he died.

Trump: I’m not planning to eat any figs, grapes or mushrooms in the near future. Although damn it, I am going to miss eating those bacon, cheddar and mushroom melt burgers at Wendy’s restaurants.

Belvedere: So will the American people approve of you making yourself Emperor?

Trump: Of course they will. The American people love me.

Belvedere: What about those people that don’t love you?

Trump: Those people who don’t love me aren’t true Americans.

Belvedere: What should be done with those people who don’t love you?

Trump: They should be fed to the lions.

Belvedere: Is ancient Rome again your inspiration for this?

Trump: Absolutely. Remember those great reality shows they put on in the Colosseum in Rome? They weren’t televised because sadly they didn’t have television in those days. But we do have television. And I’m planning to build colosseums and forums with American material and American labour. We’re going to bring back gladiatorial combat to the death. We’re going to bring back feeding people to the lions We’re going to make America Rome again.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 10th
2017.

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