Renfield’s TV Commercial For Enterprise Rent-A-Car
Renfield’s TV Commercial For Enterprise Rent-A-Car
Tonight’s candidates’ debate in the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency wasn’t really a formal debate.
It was more of a get to know the candidates’ night in which each candidate talked about their hobbies or their interests outside politics.
When it was Renfield’s turn to speak, he said his hobby was writing TV commercials.
Said Renfield, “I just wrote a commercial for a North American car rental company Enterprise Rent-A-Car which was filmed today and company executives are currently debating whether to air it on television.”
Amadeus Emanon (who was sitting in the audience) groaned.
He had had previous experience watching some of Renfield’s TV commercials.
“And now I would ask the hall technician to play the video,” Renfield grinned, “You’ll get a sneak peak of that TV commercial which will hopefully be shown in North America soon.”
The video played and it showed actor William Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk wearing the exact same Starfleet uniform that he probably wore in the original 1960s TV series Star Trek.
Clothes he had very much since outgrown.
“Hi,” said a smiling William Shatner, “I’m Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise speaking to you on behalf of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. I’m filling in for my friend Patrick Warburton the usual Enterprise spokesman who’s come down with acute laryngitis ever since he won first place in a Greta Thunberg voice impersonation contest a few nights ago…”
Amadeus sank lower in his chair.
Captain Kirk walked among the cars at the Enterprise Rent-A-Car lot, “Whenever I visit Earth, I use Enterprise Rent-A-Car to get around.
I’ve been Captain of the Starship Enterprise for over 60 years now and I’ve been using Enterprise Rent-A-Car for almost as long. People keep telling me that I should have retired years ago and the way I no longer fit into this Starfleet uniform, perhaps they’re right. I seem to have gone well beyond middle aged paunch in terms of my weight…”
The button on Captain Kirk’s black pants burst and he’s forced to use one of his hands to hold it up.
“Yesterday I rented a car from Enterprise Rent-A-Car to drive to Ottawa where I received the Order of Canada from Canada’s Governor-General at Rideau Hall in Ottawa. Then I rented another car from Enterprise this morning to drive to Washington DC to meet with Donald Trump and tell him that the planet Xenuthalu had concluded its investigation and found no evidence of wrongdoing by Joe Biden or his son Hunter. So Trump, although disappointed, gave the order to no longer hold up nuclear arms sales to the planet. The missiles are now well on their way…”
Kirk looks at his Starship Enterprise smart phone, “Oh-oh. I just got a text message from Mr. Spock saying that the planet Xenuthalu has just signed an alliance treaty with the Klingons.”
Kirk drops the smart phone and bends over to pick it up.
A loud ripping sound from the back of his pants can be heard.
Kirk speaking into his smart phone communicator, “Quick. Beam me up, Scotty.”
Kirk is quickly beamed up just as the Rev. Pat Robertson gets out of one of the Enterprise vehicles.
Says Rev. Robertson, “Oh my God. The Rapture has just occurred. Why am I still here?”.
Robertson in a panic screams, “Why am I still here? You forgot about me, Lord. You forgot about me. Your most important, noble and humble servant you’ve left behind. You’ve forgot about me, Lord. You’ve forgot about me.”
Robertson continues to scream, “You forgot about me, Lord. You forgot about me” as the ad announcer says, “Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Choose your vehicle. Choose your destination.”
The commercial was a hit with Tewkesbury voters.
Not so much with Enterprise corporate executives in America.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 22nd
2019.
Don Quixote and The Fountain of Youth
Don Quixote and The Fountain of Youth
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was temporarily back in London from the town of Tewkesbury.
Renfield was in the process of setting up his campaign re-election headquarters in Tewkesbury.
However he was back in London to attend the final session of this current Westminster Parliament to elect a new Speaker of the House of Commons to succeed John Bercow who was retiring as Speaker.
After Sir Lindsay Hoyle was elected the new Speaker, Renfield went to The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London where he had been invited to see a painting that the gallery had recently acquired.
Upon Renfield’s arrival, Dashwood Forrest showed him the new painting:
“What’s the painting called?” Renfield asked Forrest.
“It’s called Don Quixote Kisses Dulcinea del Toboso,” Forrest answered.
“Really?” Renfield accepted a piece of shrimp offered him by one of the catering waiters, “I must say Don Quixote looks rather young in that painting and not the old fogey depicted in Cervantes’ novel.”
“There’s an interesting story to that painting,” Forrest accepted a vegan hot dog from another waiter, “this painting was actually painted in 19th Century Mexico. According to the artist’s notebook, he actually met the young looking Don Quixote and the young looking Dulcinea del Toboso. Quixote, said the artist, did not die after recovering his sanity and renouncing his ideals of knightly chivalry like Cervantes said at the end of his work. Instead Quixote sailed to the New World and went to Florida where he discovered the Fountain of Youth. He drank from it and became young again. He returned to Spain and brought Dulcinea del Toboso to the New World and to Florida where she too drank from the Fountain of Youth. She too became eternally young. The couple then moved to Mexico where they were living when the artist painted this picture.”
“So according to the painter of this picture,” Renfield helped himself to a whisky, “Don Quixote was a real person and not a figment of Cervantes’ imagination.”
“That is so,” Forrest nodded.
“I wonder where the Fountain of Youth is located,” Renfield looked intently at the painting.
. . .
“I see you got yourself a new dog in Florida to replace Caesar,” Donald Trump remarked to one of his secret service bodyguards named Schneider.
“This is Caesar,” Schneider petted the young pup.
“Nonsense, Caesar looked to be on his last legs when he was here in this office,” Trump remarked, “he was 12 years old and dying. And you said you were taking him to Florida on one last holiday before he went off on his final journey.”
“I was,” Schneider said, “But when I took him for a walk down there, he found a spring and drank from it. And now he looks like this.”
“Where is this spring?” Trump demanded to know.
“I’ve forgotten,” Schneider lied knowing what sort of man he was dealing with in Trump.
-A vampire novel chapterÂ
written by Christopher
Monday November 4thÂ
2019.
Qonzilqointec and The Statue of A Long-Necked Crane
Qonzilqointec and The Statue of A Long-Necked Crane
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was in a room in the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London.
Dressed in an exquisite lilac purple evening gown, Qonzilqointec knelt on a neo-Louis XIV royal Bourbon blue chair alongside a modern statue of a long-necked crane raising its beak towards a lantern of good fortune.
Into the room walked her friend and lover the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
He had just returned from Jerusalem Israel where he had escorted Miranda Singh (the Executive Secretary to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) who was beginning a top secret mission for British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
“Your Highness,” Dracul addressed the Aztec vampiress, “you look the epitome of regal royalty.”
Qonzilqointec smiled, “Those weren’t the words Donald Trump spoke when I lay on his neck and threatened to drain every ounce of blood from his body unless he decided to drop the tariffs he was threatening to impose on my homeland of Mexico.”
“I see you were successful in your negotiations,” Dracul noted, “The U.S. has reached an agreement with Mexico and will not be imposing the tariffs Trump had threatened to impose starting this Monday.”
“Having lived 600 years, I have mastered the art of the deal,” She approached Dracul and gave him a non-fatal hickey.
. . .
The ghost of Orson Welles was having a spectral dream.
He dreamed of his wife Rita Hayworth as Semiramis the former Queen of Babylon speaking to a bird who was a parrot-raven hybrid created by a 1930s mad scientist forerunner of an early 21st Century Transhumanist scientist.
Said Rita as Semiramis to the parrot-raven hybrid,
“Oh bird who spoke to Poe in the bleak December
Crossed with a bird who can’t shut up and is able to rememberÂ
The world is confused and troubledÂ
And about to burst an economic bubbleÂ
Putin warns of a new arms race
Stretching from sea to outer spaceÂ
Because on arms control, the U.S. won’t negotiateÂ
Preferring to leave humanity’s hands up to a very dark fate
“Nevermore” you might cry
As peace dove falls from the skyÂ
Lenore is lost but so are we allÂ
The end result of Eden’s fall.
-A vampire novel chapter
and poem
written by Christopher
Saturday June 8th
2019.
Saint Valentine’s Day 2019
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had come up with yet another plan to bump off Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.
He had co-ordinated the plan with the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill along with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
Before explaining the plan to Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield pointed out the dangers of getting Maduro out of office with the help of a U.S. invasion of Venezuela or an American planned overthrow.
“As we know both being acute students of history,” Renfield explained, “America’s unique talent and gift to the world is its ability to make a country worse off than it was when it lived under a brutal dictator. This actually is a unique bit of creativity unsurpassed in the history of human stupidity. That disaster we call George W. Bush (aided and abetted by that disaster Tony Blair – an Englishman who fancied himself a French poodle to a former Texas governor) invaded Iraq to topple Saddam and succeeded in that but then plunged the country into years of sectarian violence and bloodshed that continues today. Those disasters we call Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton thought they could get Syria’s Bashar al-Assad out of power by encouraging the Syrian people and part of the Syrian Armed Forces to rise up in revolt against Assad. The result has been 8 years of bloody civil war which is still ongoing, Assad is still in power and if Vladimir Putin and the Iranians hadn’t intervened, large portions of Syria would still be under the control of the ISIS Islamic State. And then of course that disaster we call Bill Clinton ordering the NATO bombing of Serbia from March 24th 1999 to June 10th 1999 helped pave the way for Vladimir Putin to come to power in Russia. Then Russian President Boris Yeltsin was so upset by the way Bill “He couldn’t keep it in his pants” Clinton treated Russia’s long standing ally Serbia that Yeltsin spent the entire spring and summer of 1999 hiring and firing new Prime Ministers until Yeltsin finally decided on Putin as his Prime Minister in August 1999 and then named Putin his successor as President on December 31st 1999. So Bill in effect screwed his wife Hillary twice. Once when they had Chelsea and secondly when he bombed Serbia thus paving the way for Putin to take power in Russia which if we are to believe the whining and sniveling of the New York Times, The Washington Post and the Deep State within the U.S. government is the man ultimately responsible for Hillary’s defeat in 2016.”
“Karma’s returning to bite one in the ass always happens eventually,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
“So you see how it’s absolutely vital that a British Transhumanist MP such as myself working in concert with the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles do something to get Maduro out of power before the Americans try anything stupid,” Renfield pointed out.
“Time is indeed of the essence,” Dracul looked at his Latin numerals sundial wristwatch until he remembered it didn’t work indoors.
“So I want you to go over to the gymnasium at the Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium Building and start to set things in motion with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and by set things in motion,” Renfield admonished, “I don’t mean tantric sex with her.”
“Damn,” Dracul swore.
. . .
“So Lexington,” Donald Trump addressed his British butler and valet, “I gave Nancy Pelosi a Valentine’s Day present this year.
“That’s very kind of you, sir,” Lexington took off the Donald’s jacket.
“As you know today is the 90th Anniversary of Al Capone giving a Valentine’s Day present to Bugs Moran in a garage and warehouse in Chicago so I thought I’d do the same for Nancy,” Trump smiled.
Earlier that evening a group of Democratic Party supporters had gathered to sacrifice a new born baby to Baal/Moloch at a garage and warehouse in Washington DC.
Despite the best efforts of the hospital to ensure the baby wouldn’t survive birth, the baby managed to survive.
It was a health care debacle that would have provided existential angst to the likes of New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo and Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam.
Double angst for Gov. Northam as the baby was an Afro-American.
Although probably double angst for Gov. Cuomo as well but since northern white liberals do a much better job at hiding their racism than their southern white liberal counterparts, you wouldn’t have noticed the look of disappointment on the face of Mario’s son.
The baby was smuggled into the ceremony by a large “reproductive health” (as they euphemistically call themselves) provider to be sacrificed to Baal/Moloch for this evening’s ritual.
Outside the warehouse a group of Mammon and Mephistopheles worshipping Republicans (all members of the National Rife Association and vitriolic opponents of a nationally publicly funded single pay user health care system) stood ready to burst in on the pro-infanticide Baal and Baphomet worshipping Party of Death Democrats.
The signal was given.
And the NRA members went in with guns ablazing.
Soon all the Party of Death Democrats were dead.
Santa Muerte who had been at the ceremony eating enchiladas looked sad.
Miraculously the baby girl (who was to be sacrificed) managed to survive.
She was found by a traditionalist Catholic nun who had been walking in the neighbourhood.
Earlier in the day, the nun had been personally excommunicated by Pope Francis.
Now like George Eliot’s Silas Marner, she had found true gold.
. . .
On his way to the warehouse gymnasium at Set Enterprises, Dracul Van Helsing passed Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was crawling on his way towards Sherrielock Holmes’ office and carrying a large bouquet of roses in his lobster claws.
Dracul entered the gym and there saw Qonzilqointec:
And within minutes the gym was heating up with steam from the Valentine’s Day tantric sex between vampire hunter and vampire princess.
. . .
Amadeus Emanon was attending a Saint Valentine’s Night Evening Prayer service at Saint Genevieve’s Church- the Anglo-Catholic C. of E. Parish that he attended.
Delivering a short homily at the service was the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds who was one of the Church of England’s leading exorcists.
“Saint Valentine,” Father Aidan noted, “was a Catholic priest who lived and worked in Rome in an age of severe persecutions. The Emperor Claudius II had ordered that Roman soldiers should not be allowed to marry so they could concentrate on war without a double mind. For that reason, the soldiers began living promiscuous lives. Saint Valentine ordered soldiers in his congregation to marry and he began wedding them secretly. For that reason, he was caught, imprisoned and executed on the 14th of February 270 AD.”
“Wow,” Amadeus thought to himself as he reached stealthily into his pocket to grab and eat a stick of licorice, “So there was no Cupid with bow and arrow in the original Saint Valentine story.”
Betty Grable as a female Cupid in a photo taken back in the 1940s.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 14th
2019
Renfield and Ho Babylon Minh Torture Islamist Terrorists and Discuss Donald Trump
Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh returning from a lunch of tea and crumpets at a trendy London tea shop to rejoin British MP Renfield R. Renfield in torturing 14 captured Egyptian Islamist terrorists in vengeance for last year’s December 28th terrorist attack on a Vietnamese tourist bus near the pyramids at Giza.
Ho Babylon Minh had to admit that crumpets with tea was indeed very good.
A quaint British custom that Ho found very alluring.
She also had to admit that she enjoyed working with British MP Renfield R. Renfield who seemed to have incorporated the best of oriental and occidental methods of torture.
It was nice to meet a Western politican who was capable of bringing the best of East and West together- albeit in a manner that groups such as Amnesty and Human Rights International would have found quite alarming.
The first time she and Renfield had worked together was last month when they had successfully poisoned Apple CEO Tim Cook in retaliation for the American government ordered pot smoking Canadian assisted arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou at Vancouver International Airport.
A lifelike AI robot lookalike of Tim Cook who looked and sounded exactly like Mr. Cook (one that had been built for Apple by Samsung because since Steve Jobs’ death, Apple had become incapable of building anything good) had unfortunately been crushed when a television camera from the Goodyear blimp fell on top of it at the start of the New Year.
Now Apple was squandering whatever profits it currently makes nowadays in an effort to pay Samsung to speedily reproduce a replacement.
The official Apple line was Mr. Cook was currently indisposed.
Whether this was due to a cold or a recent visit to a San Francisco health spa and steam baths, the Apple communique did not elaborate.
When Ho Babylon Minh heard about the devastating Islamist terrorist attack on her countrymen that killed 4 people and injured another 10, she immediately phoned Renfield for comfort.
Renfield said that he’d send his own private brigade of British Army Gurkhas (that was granted him under special arrangements with the Crown) to fly to Egypt clandestinely and capture 14 Islamist terrorists (the exact same number as those who were killed or injured on the Vietnamese tourist bus) and fly them back to Britain where they would be subject to Renfield’s own unique version of homespun British hospitality.
He invited Ho Babylon Minh to join him in the fun and games.
Ho gratefully accepted.
The very intricate torture procedures were of course recorded and filmed.
Renfield’s computers sent the imagery and sounds to various Islamist terrorist sites on the Net with the message, “This is what waits for you, you syphilis infested scumbags should you think of doing stuff like this.”
This particular Renfieldian torture for this occasion was done with robots.
As the others sat tied to chairs and watched behind locked glass, a terrorist was brought in and then strapped to a table.
A robot then put a small explosive into one of the terrorist’s limbs (be it an arm or leg) and then the explosive was detonated much to the terrorist’s chagrin.
The robot then sprayed fire into the resulting hole that would cauterize the blood flow and prevent the terrorist from bleeding to death.
The procedure was then repeated with the terrorist’s remaining limbs.
Finally after all four limbs had been blown off the terrorist’s body, an AI sex robot designed by Dr. Cadbury Rocher to look like one of the 72 dark eyed houri promised them in the Islamic Paradise approached them.
Seeing as how their head and their phallus was the only thing that remained on the terrorist’s body, the dark eyed houri sex robot mounted their phallus and then thrust herself upon him until he came.
In the background, Renfield played the song She’ll Be Coming Around The Mountain When She Comes.
When the terrorist came, so did the dark eyed houri sex robot.
However when the dark eyed houri sex robot came, her vaginal juices emitted a highly concentrated combination of both sulphuric and hydrochloric acid.
Needless to say, the terrorist found it an excruciatingly painful experience.
In the background, Renfield played an old and rare vintage album recording of W.C. Fields singing Frankly, I’d Rather Be In Philadelphia.
Finally a slow moving rotating saw was brought in to slowly cut off the Islamist terrorist’s head as Renfield played in the background the song As Time Goes By as sung by Dooley Wilson in the 1942 film Casablanca.
When this went on after 14 times, Renfield read on his Huawei smart phone that Donald Trump was once again stating that all those government employees who no longer had a paycheque coming in would continue to support him even if the shutdown went on for years because they all supported the idea of a wall with Mexico (which Trump had promised voters that Mexico would pay for when he was running for President).
“Donald Trump is an idiot,” Renfield stated aloud in a remark that Ho Babylon Minh thought was a brilliant grasp of the obvious.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 5th
2019.
Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation Part 2
“The reason,” Miranda the mermaid looked at Nathan the Controller of the Golem, “that the mermaid goddess Atargatis wants to destroy Israel is because of her daughter Semiramis. Semiramis has formed an alliance with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who, of course, has always wanted to destroy Israel and the Jews because she claims that the Babylonian Talmud maligned and libeled her good name.”
“Yes, Lilith once poisoned my Scotch whisky with polonium-210 while I was sitting in a London pub,” Nathan recalled, “it was Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher who saved my life with an antidote to polonium-210 that he invented.”
“I heard about that, Nathan,” Miranda looked at him sympathetically.
“But what caused Semiramis to form an alliance with Lilith?” Nathan asked.
“Her first husband Nimrod returned to Earth a few years ago aboard a UFO with a bunch of ET grays,” Miranda explained, “and the ship crashed near Tuktoyaktuk, Canada north of the Arctic Circle. Nimrod’s body was recovered and taken to a secret lab near Washington DC. Lilith stole Nimrod’s body and brought him back to life. Only the magic kiss Lilith used to bring Nimrod back to life went awry and the princely ruler of ancient Babel was turned into a little green frog. He now hangs out between the breasts of Lilith in her low-cut evening dresses.”
“Sounds like Nimrod has become every teen-aged boy’s fantasy come true,” Nathan thought aloud to himself.
“Is it every human teen boy’s fantasy to be like Kermit the Frog?” Miranda looked quizzically at Nathan.
“Um… no,” Nathan shook his head. “so I take it that Semiramis has formed an alliance with Lilith since Nimrod has become (ahem!) so close to Lilith.”
“That is correct,” Miranda nodded.
“And Atargatis in turn has naturally joined in alliance with her daughter Semiramis who’s aligned with Lilith,” Nathan was beginning to see the light.
The morning sun peered through the aquarium lab’s windows.
Meanwhile in Saudi Arabia, U.S. President Donald Trump had arrived with First Lady Melania Trump.
Donald: I didn’t see any mermaids down in the desert sands of Saudi Arabia.
Melania: That’s probably because they’re swimming in the ocean.
Over in London, vampire hunter and MI-6 operative Dracul Van Helsing had received a phone call from Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
“Dracul,” Whitstable began, “I’ve been doing some research on the famous 17th Century Jesuit scholar Father Athanasius Kircher. He apparently had in his possession some ancient Greek mechanism that was the equivalent of our analogue computers.It also served as an orrery to predict astronomical positions and eclipses. But according to the diary entry of Father Kircher’s I’ve come across, the mechanism could also be used to locate mermaids. Sadly the mechanism disappeared on the night of Father Kircher’s death.”
“You know what, Peter,” Dracul leafed through the pages of his ancestor Captain Dante Van Helsing’s journal, “I have an idea where that mechanism is now.”
“Where?” Whitstable asked.
“It’s now called the Antikythera Mechanism and it’s to be found in the National Archaeological Museum in Athens, Greece.” Van Helsing answered.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 20th
2017.
Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation
The mermaid who called herself Miranda had once again awakened in the salt water tank in the Israeli government aquatics laboratory in Tel Aviv.
The Controller of the Golem (a Mossad agent who went by that code name) came down to see her.
“Nice to see you awake, Miranda,” the Controller brought her roses wondering if a mermaid would like them.
She did.
She smelled them and smiled.
“Thank you, Nathan,” she said once again calling him by his first name known to few outside Mossad or the Israeli Prime Minister’s office.
“You’re welcome,” Nathan smiled at her.
Then she turned serious, “I landed on the beach at Tel Aviv to warn you and your people.”
“Warn us about what?” Nathan asked.
“The goddess Atargatis ancestress of all mermaids wants to destroy your nation,” Miranda looked grim.
Nathan knew his classical Near Eastern mythology.
Atargatis was a northern Syria goddess.
She was called Derketo by the Greeks and Dea Syriae by the Romans.
The goddess Atargatis fell in love with a mortal (a shepherd) and had a child by him- Semiramis.
One cruel day, Atargatis unintentionally killed her love and the father of her child.
Ashamed, she flung herself into a lake near Ashkelon and was turned into the form of a fish but the waters could not conceal her divine beauty.Thereafter she took the form of a mermaid- human above the waist, fish below.
Atargatis’ daughter Semiramis became a legendary Assyrian queen and was said to have been married to the biblical Nimrod (founder of Babel) and later Ninus (founder of the city of Nineveh).
A 19th Century Free Church of Scotland minister Alexander Hislop had several wet dreams about Semiramis inspiring him to label the Roman Catholic Church the Whore of Babylon and to write a book about the subject called The Two Babylons.
Nathan’s thoughts of his Ph.D Program in Classical Mythology at Cambridge University returned to the present.
“Why,” Nathan asked Miranda, “does the mermaid goddess Atargatis want to destroy Israel?”.
. . .
U.S. President Donald Trump was flying en route to Saudi Arabia when he was handed an NSA report that certain mermaids were plotting to destroy Israel.
Trump was angry when he read the report.
“How,” Trump blew both his top and his toupee, “am I supposed to tweet about this? Especially after I just called former FBI director James Comey a real nut job? And especially in lieu of the fact that polls indicate that some Americans think I’m off my rocker myself?”.
. . .
Dracul Van Helsing was reading the journal of one of his 17th Century ancestors Captain Dante Van Helsing.
The journal had been found floating in a wooden chest on the Aegian Sea after his ancestor’s ship The Virgil went down on his final voyage.
The last entry said that Dante had been turned on by the sight of sirens singing on a rock.
When he neared the rock, a mermaid who called herself Thessalonike of Macedon appeared.
Dracul knew that according to history, Thessalonike of Macedon was the half-sister of Alexander the Great.
According to legend, Alexander had found the Fountain of Immortality and had filled a flask of water from it.
He washed his sister’s hair with the flask.
When Alexander died, his grief-stricken sister threw herself into the sea.
Instead of drowning, she became an immortal mermaid.
When she encountered sailors, she always asked them the same question, “Is Alexander the king alive?”.
The correct answer in her opinion would be, “He lives and reigns and conquers the world.”
If given this answer, she would allow the crew and their ship to sail safely away in calm seas.
Any other answer would send her into a rage and she’d cause the waves to send the ship and every sailor on board to the bottom.
The journal entry ended with Dante saying that Thessalonike had just appeared.
Obviously Dante’s answer of Thessalonike’s question was not to her liking.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 19th
2017.
Belvedere Interviews Donald Trump
President Trump (to Belvedere): You’re the reporter from The Times of London?
Belvedere: That’s right.
Trump: But you’re the ghost of a ghost white salamander?
Belvedere: That’s also right.
Trump: Okay. I suppose that’s all right. Mitt Romney told me that the ghost of a ghost white salamander told him that I was descended from Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene.
(A news bulletin on the television in the next room said that actor Tom Hanks had just been rushed to hospital)
Belvedere: It wasn’t me.
Trump: It wasn’t? That’s too bad. If Mitt Romney had found the supporting documentation from the Mormon Church Archives, I’d have made him Secretary of State. But he didn’t. So instead I made that guy who’s Chairman of Exxon the Secretary of State. I forget his name but he used to offer me great deals on gasoline.
Belvedere: How do you like being President of the United States?
Trump: I love it but the court system in this country is a real pain in the ass to quote that guy in the next sauna next to me in that gym I used to go to in Manhattan.They won’t let me do what I want. What a bummer. Again quoting that guy next to me in the next sauna.
Belvedere: How do you feel about having your plans upset like that?
Trump: Well I often thought about making myself Emperor and then I wouldn’t have to deal with irritants like judges. Or even worry about getting re-elected for that matter.
Belvedere: Emperor?
Trump: Emperor of America. I mean Rome was a republic for over 200 years after they got rid of their kings. And then they became an Empire with an Emperor. Why can’t we do the same? It’s been over 240 years since George Washington and our forefathers booted King George III and his Hanoverian ass out of this country. We’ve been a republic for 240 years. We should try something new. Julius Caesar wanted to be Emperor of Rome but he got himself assassinated. Great leaders don’t get themselves assassinated in my opinion. That’s why I’m not planning on visiting the Capitol steps of the U.S. Senate on the Ides of March. Caesar Augustus made himself Emperor and didn’t get assassinated. I plan on being more like Caesar Augustus.
Belvedere: Some people think that Augustus was fed poisonous figs, grapes or mushrooms and that’s how he died.
Trump: I’m not planning to eat any figs, grapes or mushrooms in the near future. Although damn it, I am going to miss eating those bacon, cheddar and mushroom melt burgers at Wendy’s restaurants.
Belvedere: So will the American people approve of you making yourself Emperor?
Trump: Of course they will. The American people love me.
Belvedere: What about those people that don’t love you?
Trump: Those people who don’t love me aren’t true Americans.
Belvedere: What should be done with those people who don’t love you?
Trump: They should be fed to the lions.
Belvedere: Is ancient Rome again your inspiration for this?
Trump: Absolutely. Remember those great reality shows they put on in the Colosseum in Rome? They weren’t televised because sadly they didn’t have television in those days. But we do have television. And I’m planning to build colosseums and forums with American material and American labour. We’re going to bring back gladiatorial combat to the death. We’re going to bring back feeding people to the lions We’re going to make America Rome again.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 10th
2017.
Dracul Van Helsing 
More Uglos Slain, Donald Trump To Meet Loki and Vampiress Lilith Skis Mount Hermon
January 24, 2019 at 11:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith, Azazel, Babylonian Vampiress Lilith, Lilith, Loki, Lutefisk, Mount Hermon, Pan Goatee, Semjaza, The Watchers, United States President Donald Trump, Zero Hour For The Apocalypse)
Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was once again riding the bus when he saw a fat ugly blimp getting on.
“Jesus Fucking H. Christ!” Pan Goatee exclaimed when he saw the hideously grotesque offspring of a human male-female walrus abomination sexual liaison, “Calgary women seem to be getting uglier and uglier with each passing day. I feel like Sisyphus trying to roll that rock up a hill only to have it roll down again in my never ending efforts to bring a Friedrich Nietzschean and Oscar Wildean sense of beauty and aesthetics to this godforsaken city.”
Goatee beheaded the fat ugly cow and then cut her up into 666 trillion pieces with his astral laser machete.
He went and sat down again and the man sitting across from him asked, “What does the H. in Jesus Fucking H. Christ stand for?”.
“Harry,” Pan Goatee answered.
“Wow,” the man turned to his average looking but fortunately (for her) non-repulsive looking wife, “Jesus has the same name I do. Harry.”
“Oh shut up, Harold,” Martha replied.
When Goatee attempted to get off at his stop, some ugly stoat looking woman tried to get off in front of him and so he beheaded her and likewise cut her up into 666 trillion pieces.
“Jesus Fucking H. Christ!” Goatee exclaimed again at the mention of whose name Harold the passenger smiled, “What is it with these fucking ugly looking cretins wandering around all over the place? If the Watcher angels came down to Earth again like they did in the days of Mount Hermon, they wouldn’t be mating with the daughters of men as is mentioned in Genesis Chapter 6 and elaborated on in the Book of Enoch because these days the daughters of men are not fair and beautiful to look upon. They’re repulsively ugly and make one want to vomit all over the place. Especially in Calgary. Gives a whole new meaning to this city’s nickname of Cowtown.”
. . .
“I just got a call on my Huawei smart phone from the Norse trickster god Loki,” Donald Trump explained to his English butler and valet Lexington, “He wants to take me out for a Norse Norwegian lutefisk dinner.”
“That’s very nice of him, sir,” Lexington removed Trump’s toupee and put it in the sulphuric acid tank to kill germs.
“What is lutefisk anyways?” Trump asked as he noted how much he looked like an elderly Lex Luthor in the mirror.
“It’s a combination of dried/salted whitefish and lye, sir,” Lexington answered.
“Wow,” Trump replied as he watched the hairs on his toupee in the sulphuric acid tank stand on end, “Is it safe to eat?”.
“Well it is my understanding, sir, that a Norwegian-Canadian gentleman up in the town of Donalda, Alberta, Canada won a lutefisk eating contest back in the 1950s by eating 94 plates of the stuff. He wasn’t around to receive the prize however as he keeled over and died while starting on his 95th plate. Today he’s still looked upon as a dead living legend in the town of Donalda and the immediate surrounding areas. In fact, his name is always spoken in whispers by people who promptly make the Sign of the Cross while doing so. Which is strange considering that most people with a Norwegian background are Lutheran and not Catholic.”
“So you’d advise me then not to eat 94 plates of the stuff?” Trump pondered what to tweet about next.
“On the contrary, sir,” Lexington shook his head, “on behalf of the 800,000 unpaid federal government workers, I think you should eat at least 94 plates of the stuff.”
“I guess I’ll have to cut down on the number of hamberders I eat ahead of time then,” Trump noted.
. . .
The Mossad agent they call the Controller of The Golem was on the southern slopes of Mount Hermon in the Israeli controlled Golan Heights.
The ski hill at Mount Hermon had been hit this past Sunday January 20th (around the time of the Super Blood Wolf Moon) by an Iranian missile in retaliation for Israeli Air Force strikes on Iranian targets near Damascus Airport.
The Controller of The Golem had been informed that a lovely and sexy redheaded woman wearing a slit skirted jade evening dress was skiing in spiked stiletto high heeled shoes and skis down the southern slopes of Mount Hermon.
The Controller of The Golem came to see for himself concerned that his agents might be smoking legalized Canadian recreational cannabis on the side.
He saw however that they were right.
“Lilith,” the Controller of The Golem remarked as the sexy slit skirted evening dress Babylonian vampiress skiied up to him.
“Nathan,” the Babylonian vampiress greeted him by name.
“What are you doing here?” Nathan asked.
“Recounting memories of making out with Semjaza the leader of the Watchers when he landed on Mount Hermon,” Lilith laughed lusciously.
“You were here when that happened?” Nathan’s jaw dropped.
“Of course,” Lilith winked, “Semjaza told me that I was the best earth lay he ever had. Azazel was our son.”
“The demon Azazel was your son?” Nathan was shocked again, “But I thought he was one of the original Watchers.”
“Many people assume that,” Lilith laughed, “yet if they paid attention to Chapter 7 of the Book of Enoch where the names of Semjaza the chief and the names of the prefects of the 200 Watcher angels are named, nowhere is Azazel’s name mentioned. Azazel is only mentioned in Chapter 8 after the Watcher angels made out with Earth women. And I being an earth vampiress and Semjaza being an angel gave rise to Azazel who taught men warfare and women witchcraft.”
“I recall what the Scapegoat did to the world,” Nathan answered.
“Yes,” Lilith smiled, “those who have power practice war and those who don’t have power practice witchcraft. Which is why since 2000 in the U.S., the Republicans have been waging war and the Democrats have been practicing witchcraft.”
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith when she was in Saint Petersburg Russia on October 13th last autumn.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 24th
2019.
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