Belvedere and The Vampire

June 30, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Belvedere and The Vampire

There was definitely a vampire in town all right.

Several of the saloon chorus girls in Hayden, Colorado had been bitten on the neck and had some of their blood drained.

Sherrielock Holmes the saloon owner was herself attacked by the vampire but she managed to beat him off with a whip.

A vampire hunter called Batty Bill Cotee was brought into town to give a speech on how to ward off, fight and kill vampires.

Batty Bill Cotee gave the speech at the Teetotalers Methodist Church in town.

Cotee recommended wearing Crosses and Crucifixes around one’s neck.

The recommendation led to sales of Crosses and Crucifixes from Saint Patrick’s Catholic Church and Saint Luke’s Episcopal Church in town.

Neither Saint Andrew’s Presbyterian Church nor the Immanuel Baptist Church in town profited from the recommendation.

Cotee also recommended hanging garlic in one’s doorway and one’s window to keep vampires out.

This led to great sales on garlic at Haim’s Delicatessen in town.

And the hanging of garlic led to a decrease in both vampire sightings and visits by traveling door-to-door salesmen at most homes in town.

“The way to kill a vampire is to stab it through the heart with a stake,” said Cotee.

Belvedere took particular note of that statement.

A few days later, the advice was to come in handy.

As Belvedere stepped out of the saloon one night, he noticed one of the saloon chorus girls Carla getting bitten on the neck by a vampire.

Belvedere immediately ran into the saloon and said to the cook, “I’d like a steak please.”

“How would you like it?” The cook asked, “Blue-rare? Rare? Medium rare? Medium? Medium well done? Well done?”.

Belvedere took a quick look out of the saloon window and realized he didn’t have much time.

“Uh… blue-rare please,” Belvedere said to the cook.

A couple of minutes later, the cook handed Belvedere a plate, “There you go. One 10-ounce blue-rare steak.”

Belvedere ran outside with the plate and the steak and ran up to the vampire who was still being a real pain in the neck to Carla.

Belvedere grabbed the steak off the plate and then dropped it to the ground shouting, “Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!”.

He quickly dropped the steak on the plate and ran over to the water trough for the horses and dipped both plate and steak into the cool water.

The vampire had stopped biting Carla on the neck as he stopped to watch Belvedere make a spectacle out of himself.

When the steak was sufficiently cool, Belvedere ran over to the vampire and started stabbing him in the heart with a steak.

“What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” The vampire asked.

“I’m stabbing you in the heart with a steak,” Belvedere replied.

“It’s a wooden stake you’re supposed to use, moron,” Carla said exasperatedly, “S-T-A-K-E not S-T-E-A-K, idiot!”.

“Oops!” Belvedere said.

He went running over to a white picket fence across the street and grabbed a stake from the fence.

“Hey, come back with part of my fence,” the homeowner shouted.

Belvedere ran over to the vampire and quickly plunged the white picket fence wooden stake into the vampire’s heart.

The vampire quickly degraded into skull and bones and then dust.

The homeowner rushed on to the scene and picked up his white picket fence stake and started crying, “Waaah! You got blood on it!”.

“My hero!” Carla kissed Belvedere.

Sherrielock Holmes who had been watching the whole scene up from her second floor saloon office window started laughing her head off.

“Oh, Belvedere,” she laughed, “you’ve got the brains of a politician.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 11th
2016.

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Belvedere In Hayden, Colorado

June 29, 2016 at 7:53 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere In Hayden, Colorado

By the time Belvedere arrived in the town of Hayden, Colorado in June 1880 ( a town no longer in existence), he was tired of being an outlaw.

The final straw for him was when he found his name misspelled on a Wanted poster in a post office when he went in to buy stamps.

He decided to give up being an outlaw.

Thus when he rode into Hayden on his not-so-loyal horse Wildflower one June morning and noticed the Bartender Wanted sign on the window of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon (with the word Bartender spelled correctly), he decided to apply for the job.

The proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was a startlingly beautiful Englishwoman by the name of Sherrielock Holmes.

She wore a very beautiful red evening dress with black ruffled sleeves when she met him.

Although Belvedere had no experience being a bartender, she was intrigued with his life story and laughed uproariously as he recounted his past exploits.

She hired him and personally trained him as bartender.

One night as he threw the last of the drunks out of the saloon (well it was actually Sherrielock who thrashed them out the door with her whip), he was closing up the saloon when the town’s sheriff Franklin P. Peabody approached.

“Evening, Belvedere,” the sheriff took off his hat and spit chewing tobacco on the ground.

“Evening, Sheriff,” Belvedere put on his hat and put chewing tobacco in his mouth.

“You know townsfolk are claiming that there’s a vampire in town,” the sheriff looked towards the west and watched the last of the sun setting behind the mountains.

“A vampire? You mean like those bloodsuckers of medieval myth and legend?” Belvedere tried to blow bubbles with his chewing tobacco but failed.

“That’s right,” Sheriff Peabody nodded.

“But that’s crazy,” said Belvedere.

“That’s what I say,” Peabody agreed.

Peabody walked down the street towards his sheriff’s office and Belvedere stood there pondering the moonlight.

He decided to spit out his chewing tobacco.

Belvedere did so.

Right as a bat flew by.

Belvedere was positive that the bat swore at him in Romanian.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 10th
2016.

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Belvedere’s Career As Wild West Outlaw

June 28, 2016 at 7:15 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , )

Belvedere’s Career As Wild West Outlaw

Belvedere finally managed to cross the Missouri River at Saint Louis and head further west.

He did not have much luck finding a job in places out west either so he wound up joining a gang of outlaws called The Redford Raiders.

He was kicked out of The Redford Raiders for constantly singing arias from Italian operas as they rode along the trail.

So he became known as The Lone Bandit and held up stagecoaches, Pony Express riders and banks on his own.

Having somewhat of an aversion to violence, he never carried any bullets in his gun.

So usually any robbery he attempted ended in failure when someone challenged him to use his gun.

When no one did that, his robberies usually went off without a hitch.

Save for the one time his horse bolted to a distant stream after he had robbed a stagecoach and he had to hitch a ride to get to his horse.

The person he happened to hitch a ride with just happened to be Wild Bill Hickock.

Fortunately for Belvedere, Wild Bill was in a good mood having won a card game in a nearby town and so didn’t ask too many questions like “Why are you wearing a bandana mask around your face?”.

Wild Bill dropped Belvedere off at the stream where Belvedere’s horse Wildflower still had his head in the stream going “Slurp! Slurp! Burp! Burp!”.

Belvedere thanked Wild Bill for the ride and as Wild Bill rode off into the sunset, Belvedere jumped on to Wildflower shouting, “Hi-Ho, Wildflower, away!”.

Wildflower yawned and daintily and slowly rode off into the sunset while Belvedere sang,

“… The Camptown racetrack’s five miles long
Oh, de doo-da day

Goin’ to run all night
Goin’ to run all day
I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag
Somebody bet on the gray…”

A Sioux warrior on top of a far hill tried to shoot Belvedere to stop his singing but had neglected to load his ammunition that morning and so prayed “Oh Great Spirit, help improve my memory and please deliver me from the singing voices of paleface fools.”

Belvedere continued to sing as Wildflower rode into the sunset as the horse looked around for signs of a nearby cactus by which he could suddenly unload the heavy load on his back… and his ears… and enact his vengeance at the same time.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 9th
2016.

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George Belvedere Duhamel: A Vampire Wild West Tale

June 27, 2016 at 7:12 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , )

George Belvedere Duhamel

George Belvedere Duhamel was an outlaw.

He went by his middle name Belvedere.

He was the son of a Louisiana fur trader and a Haitian stage dancer.

He was born in New Orleans in 1840.

He joined the Confederate Army in 1861 although he mistakenly thought he was signing up to be a member of a traveling Shakespeare theatrical company.

He mistook the Confederate Army uniforms outside the recruiting station for actor “soldiers” in the Volscian army after Caius Marcius Coriolanus the great Roman general had defected to the Volscians from his native Rome because he found the plebs in the city to be quite revolting.

He was quite surprised to find himself in an actual Army after signing on the dotted line.

Belvedere spent the greater part of the Civil War running away from Confederate soldiers to avoid being shot for desertion (he did not have the stomach for fighting).

He also spent the other part of the Civil War running away from Union soldiers who wanted to shoot him for wearing a Confederate Army uniform.

Belvedere happened to be having a corned beef, lox and cream cheese sandwich in the Appomattox Court House when Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered to Union General Ulysses S. Grant on April 9th 1865.

When a black and white photograph of the event was taken for posterity (the photo was taken in black and white because colour photography hadn’t been invented yet), Belvedere was the disheveled looking Confederate soldier in the background looking very downcast as he stood behind Lee and Grant.

Belvedere was looking very downcast not because Lee had just surrendered to Grant but because the storekeeper who had sold him the corned beef, lox and cream cheese sandwich had neglected to include a dill pickle in his bag when he handed it to him.

Because Belvedere had worn the uniform of the losing side in the Civil War, he had trouble finding employment after the war.

He wasn’t hired in the North because he was considered a damned rebel and he wasn’t hired in the South because he was considered a damned deserter so he was told to head to the Wild West to seek his damned fortune.

He began his journey west by getting his foot caught in a beaver dam while crossing a stream for which he was cussed out in beaver talk by the dam beavers.

All in all, it was a damned inauspicious start to the beginning of his outlaw career out west.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 8th
2016.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of A Donald Trump Presidency

June 1, 2016 at 6:13 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of A Donald Trump Presidency
German Chancellor Angela Merkel was anxious to discover who would win the U.S. Presidential election.
So she had paid Set Enterprises’ €1 million to find out.
But Set Enterprises’ genetically created Psychic Lobster refused to reveal that information.
The German Chancellor was anxious to know what would be the results of a Donald Trump Presidency.
So Set Enterprises’ chief resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher posed the question hypothetically to the psychic lobster, “What would a Donald Trump Presidency be like?”.
Michelangelo replied with a series of visions that he sent telepathically from his lobster antennae to the screen of the computer he was hooked up to.
All the visions were of Donald Trump sitting in the Oval Office:
1st Vision:
Trump (barking orders to his underlings) : What? How dare the Mexicans reject my final offer to get them to pay for the wall I’m building? This makes me look like I’m breaking my campaign promise to my supporters.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke Mexico City. This will show them who’s boss.
2nd vision:
Trump (still barking orders): What? How dare Pope Francis condemn me as unChristian for nuking Mexico City?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the Vatican.
This will show that godless atheistic communist in a cassock who’s truly doing God’s work.
3rd Vision:
Trump (still barking) : I didn’t like that story CNN’s Anderson Cooper did on me last night.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke CNN Headquarters in Atlanta.
This will make what General Sherman did look like a Sunday School barbeque.
4th Vision:
Trump (continuously barking): How dare the New York Times condemn me for nuking Atlanta? It’s not my fault the entire city happens to surround CNN.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the New York Times Building in New York City. But phone my financial so-called Blind Trust first and get them to sell all my investments and disperse all my assets in the Big Apple first.

100th Vision:
Trump (the neverending bark): How dare the Republican governor of New Mexico condemn me for making a radioactive wasteland of most of the country and most of the planet?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the state of New Mexico. But pull any investments I might have in the Santa Fe Railway first.

665th Vision:
Trump (still hot under his dog collar and barking wildly): How dare the State of Hawaii vote to secede from the Union saying that it’s now governed by a lunatic tyrant worse than Nero and Caligula put together?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke Honolulu. But sell any real estate and property I might hold in Hawaii first.
666th Vision: How dare the Pentagon refuse my orders to nuke Hawaii saying that there’s not much left of the U.S.A. ? Is it my fault that there’s so many damned traitors to the Commander-In-Chief living in this country? I’m trying to be Presidential about this.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to go nuke themselves. And that’s an order. If they refuse to go nuke themselves, they’re loosing their Armed Forces pensions.

(The resulting atomic mushroom cloud appearing over the Pentagon expands and falls all over Washington D.C. taking the entire city including the White House and Oval Office with its barking and raging occupant Donald Trump with it)
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 1st
2016.

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The Ghost White Salamander

May 31, 2016 at 5:12 pm (Ghost Story, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

The Ghost White Salamander

Belvedere was the ghost of a ghost white salamander who hung out with Salaman The Magician.

The two had met when the stage magician had been doing a magic show in Salt Lake City.
Belvedere did not believe that he had always been a ghost white salamander.
He believed an evil witch had turned him into a ghost white salamander when he refused to pay her for services rendered in a room above a Wild West saloon.

Since he had been turned into a salamander and was ghostly white in colour, he would have been labelled by zoologists a ghost white salamander.
He turned into the ghost of a ghost white salamander after being run over by an ox cart heading further west.
No one could see him until Salaman The Magician had spotted him in Salt Lake City.
Belvedere and Salaman had hit it off and the two hung out together ever since.
Belvedere would occasionally help Salaman out with his magic show.

Having a ghost as part of the show often left other stage magicians who were sitting in the audience as spectators scratching their heads wondering themselves how a certain trick could have been possibly done.
Salaman had recently been hired by the British government to put on a fake haunting using fake ghosts at a Scottish castle this past weekend.

“Why didn’t you use a real ghost like me for the haunting?” Belvedere the ghost of the ghost white salamander asked Salaman.
“A lot of people don’t find ghosts of ghost white salamanders scary,” Salaman answered.
“Really?” Belvedere looked perplexed, “I find myself looking scary whenever I look into the mirror and find dandruff flakes falling out of my ectoplasm.”
“Yes, that really is a strange phenomenon,” Salaman had to admit.
“I really don’t know how to stop it,” Belvedere said sheepishly, “it makes me glad most people aren’t able to see me.”
“Eek!” The magician’s lovely stage assistant Maria screamed when she entered the room, “What is that strange creature with dandruff flakes falling out of its ectoplasm?”.
“Of which this moment is a prime example,” Belvedere the ghost white salamander hung his head in shame.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 30th
2016.

 

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Hans Von Klaus On The Rhine

May 27, 2016 at 4:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Hans Von Klaus On The Rhine

Wealthy German industrialist Hans Von Klaus was sailing aboard his own personal cruise ship down the Rhine river.

The name of this cruise ship was The Hamburg Frankfurter.

Von Klaus owned another large personal cruise ship The Frankfurt Hamburger but that sank last year after it had crashed into some large rocks in the middle of the Rhine river.

The captain of the ship Titan Ick Weissberg claimed he was distracted by a beautiful Rhine river siren called Lorelei who was standing on top of the rock singing a beautiful rendition of The Liebestod from Tristan und Isolde.

Overcome by desire at seeing the vision of the beautiful blonde short skirted Valkyrie warrrioress songstress (to say nothing of the erection that caused a certain part of his anatomy to be caught in the ship’s steering wheel), Titan Ich Weissberg soon found himself on the rocks along with the martini he had ordered from the ship’s steward.

And now Captain Titan Ick Weissberg stood at the helm of The Hamburg Frankfurter a year after he had made ground round meat of The Frankfurt Hamburger.

“No more falling for sirens and other water spirits,” Hans Von Klaus had barked at Captain Weissberg at the start of the voyage.

This was followed by the barking of a chihuahua behind Herr Von Klaus.

After throwing Paris Hilton’s annoying little pet overboard, Herr Von Klaus sat down in a comfortable deck chair on board deck and proceeded to read The Financial Times newspaper.

He ordered some lunch from the ship’s steward.

After reading that the bottom had fallen out of the underwear market in the middle of his stuffed cabbage, Klaus was soon on the phone to his investment firm in Frankfurt.

“Where in the world can we get the raw materials for that?” Klaus asked his financial advisor.

He waited for the reply while he lit his cigar.

“Russia huh?” Klaus ordered a vodka from the steward.

The businessman took a few puffs of his cigar and then asked, “Are sanctions still in place against Russia over that damned war in eastern Ukraine?”.

“Bloody Hell,” he remarked when he heard that they were.

He dropped cigar ash all over his expensive Italian hand crafted leather shoes.

Herr Von Klaus was soon off the phone with his financial advisor and on the phone with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

“Angela, darling,” Hans spoke with the affection of a Pyramus wooing his Thisbe, “I need you to grant one of my companies an exemption to make a deal with Putin.”

After exchanging recipes for making German beer sausage, Klaus soon got the exemption from Chancellor Merkel.

He was soon on the phone with Vladimir Putin.

“Vlad my friend,” Klaus bent over backwards with the enthusiasm of a Lord Alfred Douglas waiting for Oscar Wilde, “I was wondering if…”

After exchanging recipes for borscht, Klaus had soon sealed a deal with Putin.

“It looks like it’s going to be a good day after all,” Klaus chomped on his cigar with the enthusiasm of a Winston Churchill hearing of Germany’s unconditional surrender in May 1945.

Those were the last words he spoke before getting a sudden very close up view of the rocks in the middle of the Rhine river.

As he went under the waters of the Rhine, he felt himself being pulled to shore by a beautiful blonde short skirted Valkyrie warrioress singing Do You Know The Way To San Jose?

“Captain Titan Ick Weissberg, you’re fired,” Hans Von Klaus spit the wet cigar out of his mouth.

He leaned back and eagerly awaited mouth-to-mouth-resuscitation from the Rhine river siren water nymph called Lorelei.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 26th
2016.

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Salaman The Magician

May 24, 2016 at 5:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Salaman The Magician

Salaman The Magician had been summoned to 10 Downing Street to meet the Prime Minister David Cameron.

“I hear you’re putting on a very successful magic show in London these days,” Cameron said to Salaman.

“I try my best, Mr. Prime Minister,” the white bearded magician smiled.

“I hear this past weekend, you had a frog leaping out from the bosom of a very beautiful woman in a low-cut evening dress and frightening Boris Johnson,” Cameron smiled.

“As much as I’d like to claim credit for what turned out to be a very upstaging event during the show,” the magician bowed his head, “alas, I was not the one responsible for that.”

“Well no matter,” Cameron got to the point, “the point is we’re having a very important guest- a foreign dignitary- staying at a castle in Scotland tonight- the castle is said to be haunted. We want you to use your magic skills to make a ghost appear to the foreign dignitary and get him to adopt the same position on a certain international issue as that held by Her Majesty’s Government here in the United Kingdom. Sorry to give you such short notice on this. But we just found out at the last moment that this gentleman is flying in for a secret conference on this issue at the said haunted castle in Scotland. We thought if anyone could put together a seemingly authentic haunting at the last moment, it would be a master magician such as yourself.”

“All right, I’ll do it,” Salaman answered when he was handed a piece of paper by Cameron stating the amount the British government was willing to pay him for staging the supposedly authentic haunting.

“Great,” Cameron shook his hand and the magician made his exit.

• • •

“Who’d have thought,” Salaman shook his head as he got into the taxi outside 10 Downing Street, “that magic shows and haunted castles would soon play an important role in international relations.”

Meanwhile over in Vietnam, Barack Obama was unaware that he was currently chatting with the actual real ghost of a Vietnamese Empress.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 24th
2016.

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Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

May 22, 2016 at 5:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

Salaman The Magician had had a successful run with his magic show in London.

Audiences were raving about it.

Although on this night, the raving was done by Boris Johnson the former Mayor of London and Euro-sceptic Conservative MP who mistook the magician’s sawing his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the Union Jack as an endorsement of an EU superstate over a sovereign United Kingdom.

To settle things down, Salaman The Magician decided to saw his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the European Union flag instead much to the cheers of the pro-Brexit crowd.

After sawing the woman in half and separating the European Union flag draped box, the audience shouted, “Don’t bother putting her back together.”

So the magician’s assistant had to be put together backstage.

Sitting next to Boris Johnson in the audience was the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.

Lilith had been asked by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to bump off Johnson because the Turkish despot and would be restored Sultan of a revived Ottoman Caliphate was offended by Boris Johnson’s offensive limerick about him that won The Spectator Magazine’s President Erdogan Offensive Poetry Competition.

The plan was for Nimrod (the builder of the Tower of Babel who was now a frog due to a vampiric kiss magic spell gone awry) to hide down the front of Lilith’s lavender coloured evening dress between her cleavage (where Nimrod often liked to be for some reason) and then jump out at an appropriate moment during the performance to ribbit an Amazon River basin poison plant dart out of his mouth in Johnson’s direction.

Unfortunately for Erdogan’s homicidal plans, Nimrod had accidentally purchased a bottle of Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel instead of Amazon River Basin Poison Plant Liquid Gel by mistake at a London chemist shop earlier in the day.

So when Nimrod jumped out from between Lilith’s cleavage as the stage band played Beethoven’s Ode To Joy as Salaman sawed the European Union draped flag box (with beautiful female assistant inside) in half, the ancient prince turned frog fired Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel into Johnson’s Adam’s Apple.

Instead of immediately keeling over and dying on the spot (which would have occurred had the fast acting Poison Plant Liquid Gel been used), Johnson instead fell to his knees and said, “Is this a leather skirted dominatrix I see before me?”.

As Johnson babbled about pirate ships under attack by bunny rabbits, Lilith and Nimrod hastily exited the theatre.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 21st
2016.

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Renfield Asks Donald Trump A Question

May 19, 2016 at 5:37 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield Asks Donald Trump A Question

Renfield R. Renfield’s campaign for the U.S. Presidency was going nowhere.

He sat at 0.0% in the polls and had 0.0% of the delegates in either party- Republican or Democrat.

And to add insult to injury, still no one was telling him to drop out of the race like Hillary Clinton was telling Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump was telling Ted Cruz and John Kasich a month ago.

Renfield felt somewhat peeved.

He had recently found out however that he Renfield had actually been created in a genetics lab in Colorado Springs, Colorado (his creator Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had been trying to re-create Nikola Tesla’s experiments with ball lightning at the time) rather than a genetics lab in Britain.

That meant he Renfield was a natural born (or natural genetically created) American citizen and he no longer needed to tell everyone to ignore the U.S. Constitution while campaigning to be President (and that most American Presidents inevitably do once they enter office).

So Renfield decided he needed to do something radical to attract the attention of the U.S. media and public.

Then he thought of a question that he could ask Donald Trump- a question that no journalist had thought of asking Donald Trump before.

Renfield was positive that this question would catapult him into the national spotlight.

So he flew over to America to a Donald Trump campaign rally and posed as a journalist.

Trump surveyed the room for members of the press and pointed in Renfield’s direction.

“You sir,” he pointed at Renfield, “wearing the Porn Stars and Hookers For Renfield campaign button on your lapel, you have a question?”.

“I do, Mr. Trump,” Renfield grinned like the cat about to pounce on the canary, “when was the last time you had a hair cut?”.

Trump looked shell shocked.

“What?” Trump sputtered.

“That should be an easy question for most people with their own natural hair on their head to answer, Mr. Trump,” Renfield grinned again, “when was the last time you had a hair cut?”.

“Throw that bum out of here,” Donald Trump directed his handlers.

Trump’s handlers then pounced on the Set Enterprises Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering posing as a journalist.

“What are you trying to cover up and hide, Mr. Trump?” Renfield shouted, “When was the last time you had a hair cut?”.

“Throw that bum out of here!” Trump once again screamed.

“They’re going to make bumper stickers,” Renfield shouted, “bumper stickers that say RED SPIDER MONKEYS DIED FOR TRUMP’S FOLLICLE SINS.”

“Throw that bum out of here,” Trump raged with the fury of an Austrian painter addressing a rally in mid-1930s Nuremberg.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 19th
2016.

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