Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego

May 16, 2016 at 5:07 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Mythology, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego

The Kraken who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into a cyborgic octopus cybrid) was suntanning himself on a beach near San Diego, California.

His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had her head reattached to her body and her beauty restored- no more snaky dandruff flakes falling out of her hair- by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was lying next to him in a bikini.

She turned over.

“Say dear,” she whispered, “would you mind putting some suntan lotion on my back?”.

“All right,” the Kraken picked up the Coppertone suntanning lotion with one of his eight arms and put some of the lotion on his tentacles (careful not to put some on his metallic cyborg hooks) and started rubbing her back applying the lotion.

“Oh God, that feels good,” Medusa moaned, “I think I’ll have an orgasm right here on the beach.”

The Kraken suddenly stopped applying the lotion, “How do Californians feel about displays of orgasms in public?”.

“You’ve never seen too many TV shows or movies about California have you?” Medusa looked at him.

“I was always too busy leafing through textbooks and scientific journals,” the ex-scientist turned Kraken recalled, “the closest I got to anything Californian was eating a bunch of California raisins one time. Which almost got me deported from Italy for offending Tuscan grape growers.”

A guy walking along the beach in dark sunglasses suddenly spots the Kraken.

“Hey,” the man walked up to him, “aren’t you the same Kraken who appeared in that Geico commercial on TV where you jumped out of a water hazard on a golf course and devoured a bunch of golfers?”.

“I’m the same Kraken all right,” Napoleon VI smiled photogenically.

“I was once beheaded by the Greek hero Perseus,” Medusa spoke up anxious for the sandals and Hawaiian shorts and dark sunglasses wearing dude to be impressed by her as well.

“I never saw that movie,” the dude replied, “although my kids did.”

“Oh,” Medusa looked disappointed.

“Can I have your autograph?” The dude asked the Kraken.

“Sure,” the Kraken smiled again, “do you have a pen on you?”.

The dude reached into his shorts pocket and pulled out a pen bearing the logo Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada.

The Kraken took the pen with one of his tentacles and autographed the dude’s autograph book.

“Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada?” The Kraken looked at the logo on the pen, “Did you ever run into a shapeshifting hamster/human called Renfield R. Renfield who often shops there?”.

“I have on quite a number of occasions,” the dude nodded, “in fact it was Mr. Renfield’s posting a photo of him and me together in a hot tub with a bunch of working girls on that ranch on his Facebook page that has allowed me to add the title of having an ex-wife to my list of accomplishments.”

“Renfield often has the habit of leaving chaos in his wake,” the Kraken acknowledged.

“Yes, you should try Renfield’s primordial void soup,” Medusa grimaced, “I was sick for days afterwards.”

“I must admit it didn’t go well with my Kraken digestive system either,” Napoleon VI recalled.

“Can I get a selfie with you and Medusa together?” The dude asked, “My golfing buddies will be so thrilled with you Mr. Kraken and my children will go nuts over seeing you Medusa with your head attached and minus all those slithering creepy crawly viper venomous reptiles in your curly locks of hair.”

“Sure,” the Kraken and Medusa agreed.

As they got their picture taken with the dude’s smart phone, Bernie Sanders was walking along the beach handing out his Presidential campaign literature.

“Excuse me,” Sen. Sanders addressed them, “but you three aren’t registered Democrats by any chance are you?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 15th 2016.

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Renfield Meets Queen Elizabeth II

May 13, 2016 at 6:25 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Meets Queen Elizabeth II

Renfield R. Renfield was feeling quite jealous of Amadeus Emanon these days.

Amadeus was getting lots of dates with beautiful women.

While he, Renfield, was striking out with beautiful women left, right and center.

He would definitely be ineligible to sign on as a designated hitter with a Major League Baseball team.

To top it off, Amadeus had recently been invited to a Royal event to mark Her Majesty The Queen’s 90th Birthday.

And Renfield had received no invitation from the Palace to attend anything.

Still Renfield had heard that Her Majesty would be holding yet another Royal Garden Tea Party to celebrate Her 90th year.

So Renfield decided to shapeshift into a hamster and enter the event that way.

And that’s exactly what he did.

He scurried under a table where he promptly shapeshifted back into his human form.

Then he crawled back out from under the table.

Just as Her Majesty The Queen was helping herself to a watercress sandwich.

“Oh dear, ” said the Queen, “did you lose something?”.

“Yes, I seem to have lost my pen given to me by my favourite grandmother,” Renfield answered.

“Good heavens,” said the Queen sympathetically, “I hope you found it.”

“I did,” Renfield pulled out a Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada pen from inside his vest pocket and quickly put it back before Her Majesty could read the logo.

“Is your favourite grandmother still alive?” The Queen asked.

“No,” Renfield shook his head, “she was killed last year while big game hunting in Africa.”

“Great Heavens,” said the Queen.

“Yes, she was mistaken for an American dentist by a lioness girlfriend of the late lamented lion Cecil of Zimbabwe,” Renfield spoke in pseudo-mournful tones.

“How awful,” said the Queen.

“Yes, it didn’t make for a pretty picture,” Renfield agreed, “although surprisingly the picture did go viral on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.”

“And you are…?” The Queen extended her hand.

“Mr. Renfield R. Renfield,” Renfield shook Her Majesty’s hand and bowed.

“Renfield R. Renfield?” Her Majesty repeated the name, “Funny, I don’t recall seeing that name on the invitation list.”

“Well I occasionally do clandestine work on behalf of both MI-5 and MI- 6,” Renfield answered, “so my name is very hush-hush. Top secret in other words.”

“Oh, I see,” the Queen nodded, “do you understand intelligence service code?”.

“Some,” Renfield nodded.

“Well as you know,” the Queen said, “I was recently caught on camera saying that some Chinese government officials were very rude during last year’s state visit by President Xi Jinping. Today I got a message from the British Embassy in Beijing saying that the said officials had just “got their buns tomatoed by Sherrielock Holmes for their rudeness”. I take it that’s some sort of code.”

“Um… yes it is,” Renfield’s face turned as white as a hamster’s.”

“Hello, Renfield,” a smiling Sherrielock Holmes stood behind the Queen.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” the Queen went over to talk to the French Ambassador to London.

Sherrielock Holmes was dressed in a red rose emblazoned white cocktail dress instead of her usual leather skirted dominatrix attire.

“I take it you snuck into this garden party without an invitation,” Sherrielock smiled an even wider smile.

“Well… uh,” Renfield turned as pale as the moon when it had eaten too much green cheese on a moonlit evening.

Sherrielock opened her dragon leathered Gucci purse and threw out Paris Hilton’s pet Chihuahua and brought out a whip.

“No,” Renfield pleaded.

Renfield’s cries were drowned out by the 21-gun salute for the Queen.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 13th 2016.

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Amadeus Gets A Cheesecake and Renfield Gets Walloped

May 11, 2016 at 5:39 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Gets A Cheesecake and Renfield Gets Walloped

Amadeus Emanon was sitting in a London tea shop with the New Orleans songstress and stage actress vampiress Angelique Dumont.

“I hear this stage magician Salaman the Magician puts on a wonderful show,” Angelique said reading a review in one of the London entertainment weeklies.

“He does,” Amadeus nodded, “I saw him a couple of weeks ago. I’m still totally mystified as to how he does his tricks. Like nothing I’ve ever seen.
Even better than Houdini, David Copperfield and Criss Angel in my opinion.”

“You saw Salaman the Magician?” Angelique raised an eyebrow, “By yourself?”.

“No, I was with Dulcinea Lucia,” Amadeus replied.

“The gypsy fortune teller?” Angelique raised her other eyebrow.

“That’s right,” Amadeus nodded again.

“You went on a date with Dulcinea Lucia?” Angelique glared at Amadeus.

“That is correct,” Amadeus put some honey in his tea.

“But I thought you and I were an item,” Angelique’s face flushed as red as her rouge red lipstick and her dinner the night before.

“I didn’t know we were an item,” Amadeus Emanon looked as surprised as a child’s face on Christmas morning.

“You didn’t know we were an item?” Angelique grabbed a piece of cheesecake off a passing waiter’s tray and shoved it in Amadeus’ face.

“Speaking of items, I didn’t know cheesecake was on the menu,” Amadeus wiped the cheesecake off his face.

. . .

In another corner of the tea shop, Renfield R. Renfield had his eyes on a very attractive woman wearing a green evening dress.

Renfield had recently been advised by his co-worker and fellow employee at Set Enterprises Dr. Cadbury Rocher that he needed to be more subtle in his approach with women.

Not to come on so strong.

Renfield decided to try this new approach that he had never before attempted.

So he walked past the woman and sang in a loud operatic style baritone voice, “Birds do it, bees do it, even dogs and trees do it…”

Purses apparently do it as well.

Because Renfield found himself clobbered over the head with the woman’s rather heavy purse and found himself lying on the floor with the woman in the green evening dress stepping over him and leaving the restaurant.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 10th
2016.

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Renfield’s Speech To BAEEVB 5 Years Ago Today

May 6, 2016 at 7:44 pm (Crime, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Speech To BAEEBV 5 Years Ago Today

“Do you recall what you did on this day 5 years ago today?” Amadeus asked Renfield.

“No,” Renfield suddenly looked nervous.

He wondered what incriminating photo or video Amadeus might have had on him of what he did 5 years ago today.

“It was 5 years ago today that you gave a speech to the British Association of Employees Employed By Vampires better known as BAEEBV,” Amadeus pointed out.

“Oh that,” Renfield grinned.

Yes, that was back on May 6th 2011.

Renfield recalled getting a standing ovation for that speech.

As well as a blow job from a rising young pop music starlet afterwards.

Renfield sat there with a huge smile on his face.

“I have a video of your best moment that day,” Amadeus showed him a video on his laptop’s YouTube page.

“You do?” Renfield turned as pale as the silvery moon on a South Seas night.

Had Amadeus filmed his encounter with the rising young pop music starlet?

The video started playing.

It was of the best line that Renfield had delivered that evening- a paraphrase of a line from Lewis Carroll’s poem The Walrus and The Carpenter in his book Through The Looking Glass.

“The time has come,” Renfield said, “to talk of many things- of psychic lobsters and werewolves and lycanthropic MPs, of how Dracul Van Helsing manages to get vampiresses down on their knees.”

“You know,” Amadeus spoke up, “I understand the reference to psychic lobsters- that’s Michelangelo. And the reference to werewolves and lycanthropic MPs- that’s to Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley. But what did you mean by Dracul Van Helsing managing to get vampiresses to their knees?”.

“Well,” Renfield’s face turned red with jealousy, “Dracul Van Helsing seems to have the ability to get beautiful vampiresses to make out with him. I’ve never been able to get a beautiful vampiress to make out with me.”

“You haven’t been too successful with many beautiful mortal women either,” Amadeus bit into his peanut butter and avocado sandwich.

“Harrumph,” Renfield pouted.

Still that rising young pop music starlet had performed a huge favour on him the night of his standing ovation speech.

Then again, that gun he held to her head, the resulting action may not have been a result of her free will affection for him.

Still she had done the deed.

Which was more than could be said for the 99 other rising young pop music starlets whose brains (or lack thereof!) he had been forced to blow to kingdom come when they refused to blow on his sword.

Their deaths were still listed as unsolved in Interpol files.

And the poor Illuminati were taking the heat for his dastardly deeds in most on-line conspiracy theorist videos.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 6th
2016.

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Qonzilqointec and Dracul See Pope Francis Wearing A Cowboy Hat

May 5, 2016 at 7:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec and Dracul See Pope Francis Wearing A Cowboy Hat

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing were in Her Vampiric Highness’ exclusive Mexico City penthouse apartment enjoying an exquisite meal and a bottle of the best Burgundy wine after a great evening of seeing Cinco de Mayo festivities.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was wearing a fiery red evening dress emblazoned with black lace around the arm sleeves.

Dracul Van Helsing was wearing a Humphrey Bogart Casablanca white style dinner jacket tuxedo and black bow tie.

“We’re having roast lobster as the main entree,” Qonzilqointec smiled.

“Lovely,” Dracul nodded, “as long as it’s not my friend Michelangelo.”

“Speaking of which,” Qonzilqointec smiled showing her white vampiric incisor fangs, “how did Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher manage to genetically create Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster?”.

“Well,” Dracul sipped his Burgundy wine,”I understand he extracted DNA from lobsters in a certain region of the world which according to a rare and unknown work of Herodotus that he had in his possession- these lobsters were said to have advanced psychic powers according to Ancient Greek sailors of the time who had ingested too much of the opium poppy.”

“Who had ingested too much of the opium poppy?” Qonzilqointec asked, “the lobsters or the Greek sailors?”.

“I’m not quite sure,” Dracul looked reflective, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher was somewhat incoherent after downing a dozen glasses of Tennessee bourbon.”

“And who had downed the dozen glasses of Tennessee bourbon?” Qonzilqointec smiled again, “You or Dr. Rocher?”.

“I believe we were tied for twelve apiece at that point,” Dracul recalled.

“And where in the world did he get those psychic lobsters whose DNA he extracted to genetically create Michelangelo?” Qonzilqointec smiled yet again.

Qonzilqointec had been used to smiling all evening for the 550-year-old Aztec vampiress had been mistaken by numerous American tourists for actress Salma Hayek (whose identical twin sister she could have easily passed for) at Cinco de Mayo festivities and they wanted their selfies taken with Qonzilqointec for uploads to Facebook and Instagram.

“Well according to a friend of mine who’s a former U.S. Army Special Operations officer and former DARPA employee,” Dracul recalled, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher had sent a group of beautiful but fierce warrioresses who called themselves the Sisterhood of the Black Dragons on a secret mission to the Black and Caspian Seas just prior to creating Michelangelo. So my friend who operated under the Special Ops code name Jack Daniels believes that it’s probably in the Black Sea and Caspian Sea regions of the world where these psychic lobsters are found.”

“That’s interesting,” Qonzilqointec wiped her mouth with a handkerchief after taking a large bite of lobster.

On the television in the living room which had the sound turned down, Donald Trump was telling Ohio Gov. John Kasich to take “Small bites. Small bites.”

“Why is that interesting?” Dracul Van Helsing likewise took a large bite of lobster.

On the TV in the living room, Sarah Palin could be seen performing the Heimlich maneuver on John Kasich.

“Because these lobsters I ordered flown in fresh for this special occasion,” Qonzilqointec sipped her Burgundy wine, “happen to come from the Black and Caspian Seas.”

At that moment, both Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing had psychic visions by which they were teleported to the Vatican where they saw Pope Francis in his bedroom.

Pope Francis was on his way to an Ascension Day papal audience where he was to meet a group of real western cowboys from the western U.S. state of Wyoming.

Pope Francis had been advised by Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi and Cardinal Walter Kasper that when the cowboys are in Rome to do as the cowboys do.

So Pope Francis was wearing a pair of tight fitting blue jeans, buckled leather belt, red and black plaid shirt and a 10 gallon white Stetson cowboy hat.

He was looking at himself in his full length dressing mirror.

Pope Francis began singing that old Mac Davis country and western song,

“Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble
When you’re perfect in every way…
I guess it has somethin’ to do with the way
That I fill out my skin tight blue jeans.”

Pope Francis looked down at the way he filled out his skin tight blue jeans.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 5th
2016.

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The Vampiress With Amnesia- My 1st Vampire Novel Now Published On Amazon

May 2, 2016 at 7:56 pm (books, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Literature, News, Personal essays, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Vampiress With Amnesia- My 1st Vampire Novel Now Published On Amazon

Hello friends and fellow bloggers, I just thought I’d let you know that my 1st vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia has been published and is now available for sale on Amazon.

Here’s the link for buying it in Kindle digital e-book format:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01F18B5LS

I have discovered from my friends outside North America that the above link doesn’t seem to work in countries in Europe and Asia.

However if you go to Amazon Books on-line and type in the Amazon Books search engine

The Vampiress With Amnesia by Christopher Milner

it will take you right to the book. 🙂

-Christopher Milner
author of The Vampiress With Amnesia
Monday May 2nd 2016

-The Vampiress With Amnesia

featuring the adventures of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan, shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield, genetically cloned concert pianist Amadeus Emanon, the ancient Egyptian vampire Set, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and of course the vampiress with amnesia.

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The Vampiress With Amnesia- Coming Soon To An Amazon Near You

April 29, 2016 at 5:10 pm (books, News, Personal essays) (, , , , , )

The Vampiress With Amnesia – Coming Soon To An Amazon Near You

This it turns out will be my 1000th blog post on WordPress.

And so in effect this post is a milestone.

So I will talk about some of the milestones going on in my life at the moment.

In the next couple of weeks, I hope to have my 1st vampire novel uploaded and published to Amazon and ready for sale.

The name of my 1st vampire novel (which was written between April 2009 and July 2010) is The Vampiress With Amnesia.

The Vampiress With Amnesia is the first book in a vampire septology (series of 7 vampire novels) that I’m writing called The Vampire Hunter Samurai Chronicles.

I’m currently in the middle of writing the 5th book in the series – so at this point in time The Vampire Hunter Samurai Chronicles is a pentalogy but I’m hoping to make it a septology.

The other thing going on in my life at the moment is I’ve set up a Go Fund Me page.

As many of my close friends here at WordPress know, I’ve been diligently searching for a job for over 15 months now since January 2015 and so far none of the places where I have applied have hired me.

Most haven’t even given me callbacks.

So in lieu of the impending financial crisis going on in my life, I’ve set up a Go Fund Me page to help me pay for rent and food until such time as I’ve managed to land a job.

Here’s the link to my Go Fund Me page:

https://www.gofundme.com/2s99rkmc

In terms of other milestones in my life, I published my 1st book back in January of this year a Sherlock Holmes fan fiction entitled The Giant Rat of Sumatra.

The paperback edition of my book can be purchased here:

https://www.createspace.com/6025724

The Kindle digital e-book edition can be purchased here:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01B1W526W

I have also earlier this week set up an author page on Amazon.

I’ve been trying since January to find out where exactly on the Amazon web site authors can go to set up an author page for themselves.

Then last week I got my monthly email newsletter from Createspace (the division of Amazon that prints up paperback editions of books) for this month of April and they had a link to an article by a writer showing the links one uses to create an author page on Amazon.

So now I have an author page on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Christopher-Milner/e/B01EUR8ILG

As I have mentioned, my first vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia should be published and available for sale on Amazon during the next couple of weeks.

In the meantime, my friend Daniel aka Hyperion Sturm is giving the readers on his blog a sneak peek of my vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia by publishing on his blog the first 5 to 6 chapters of The Vampiress With Amnesia over the next few weeks.

Here’s Chapter 1 of The Vampiress With Amnesia here:

https://hyperionsturm.wordpress.com/2016/04/23/dracul-van-helsing/

Here’s Chapter 2 of The Vampiress With Amnesia here:

https://hyperionsturm.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/the-vampiress-with-amnesia-chapter-2/

So 1000 blog posts here at WordPress.

I believe I started publishing here back around 2006 or 2007.

I did not publish much here in those days as Journalspace and later Xanga were my primary blogging sites.

Now with the passing of Journalspace and Xanga into cyberspace oblivion, WordPress has become my primary blogging site.

It’s also probably become the first blogging site where I’ve managed to reach the milestone of 1000 posts.

-Christopher Milner
aka Dracul Van Helsing
Friday April 29th 2016

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Renfield’s Mysterious Client

April 25, 2016 at 7:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield’s Mysterious Client

As Amadeus Emanon ate his 33rd apple turnover and pondered an invitation from a friend to join the Freemasons, Renfield R. Renfield was eating a tuna fish sandwich.

“It looks like we may have to replace the weigh scale in the bathroom,” Amadeus stated.

“Why’s that?” Renfield asked.

“For some reason it broke when I stepped on it this morning,” Amadeus licked the icing off his fingers.

“That is strange,” Renfield picked up his copy of The Times of London and started reading about a mysterious new elephant appearing on the streets of London and yet there were no reports of an escape from the London Zoo.

“So I hear someone has hired you to do a hit job,” Amadeus opened his box of 3 dozen chocolate eclairs from the bakery.

“That’s right,” Renfield grinned, “I’m to track down the person or persons responsible for leaking the Panama Papers and to bump them off.”

“Who hired you?” Amadeus was starting to wonder why his belt was feeling so tight this evening.

“I’m sorry,” Renfield shook his head, “Under the terms of client/assassin confidentiality and privilege, I’m not allowed to reveal that information to you.”

“Oh,” Amadeus started licking the chocolate off his fingers.

“So I hear you’ve got a date with Dulcinea Lucia to go see a stage magician later this week,” Renfield said as a large chip and green monster appeared on his shoulder.

“That’s right,” Amadeus used a napkin to wipe the chocolate off his chin.

“So how come that sexy gypsy fortune teller always goes on dates with you but never with me?” Renfield’s face started turning as green as the grass at the height of spring.

“She says that you’re a hypersexualized serial adulterer,” Amadeus answered.

“Really?” Renfield was shocked, “I remember a few years ago some woman on my Facebook page accused me of being a hypersexualized serial adulterer.”

“Well, there you go,” Amadeus took a sip of chocolate milk.

“I wonder if there’s any truth to that,” Renfield pondered the question.

“No idea,” Amadeus shrugged.

Renfield went over to the living room bookshelf and took out the volume called Sigmund Freud’s Posthumously Written Dictionary of Post-Modern Psychiatric Conditions and looked up the term Hypersexualized Serial Adulterer and noticed his (Renfield’s) own photo alongside the definition of the term.

“Find it?” Amadeus inquired.

“Yes,” Renfield angrily sat down at the living room table and pouted.

“I wonder what the name of that magician is that Dulcinea Lucia wants me to see,” Amadeus finished his 36th chocolate eclair.

“No fucking idea,” Renfield fumed.

“Excuse me, sir,” Athelstan the butler and valet entered the living room and spoke to Renfield, “but there’s a call for you from 10 Downing Street on the secure phone line in the study.”

“Oh,” Renfield ran with great haste to the study.

“Hm,” Amadeus reached for his bucket of KFC as he was growing tired of having eaten nothing but sweets all day, “I wonder what 10 Downing Street is calling Renfield about.”

One of the world’s great mysteries.

Like how they get the Caramilk inside the Caramilk bar Amadeus thought to himself as he eyed the Caramilk chocolate bar Renfield had left behind on the table.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 25th
2016.

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A Day In The Life of Set Enterprises Employees

April 22, 2016 at 7:28 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

A Day In The Life of Set Enterprises Employees

Down in the Set Enterprises lab, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was in his aquarium where he was receiving a radio transmission from the future on his lobster antennae…

BBC World News Bulletin From The Future: And this news story from the world of Entertainment, film maker Martin Scorsese is teaming up with the creators of Monty Python to make a sequel to the film Life of Brian which will be called The Last Temptation of Brian…

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield was in the office of a powerful and highly influential British subject who was hiring him to locate and track down those responsible for leaking the Panama Papers and to bump them off.

. . .

Amadeus Emanon had been hired as a pianist to play at a birthday party for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II on her 90th Birthday.

As one of the valets at the Royal birthday party wondered where the huge plate of raspberry jellied doughnuts had gone, he never thought of looking on top of the piano where they were located as Amadeus played and sang the lyrics of Prince’s song, “She wore raspberry beret…”

. . .

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was giving a guest speech on The Importance of Science In Education to a conference of teachers in Philadelphia, U.S.A.

Dr. Rocher: Back in the 1950s, traditional educators were warning that if “John Dewey’s ideas of so-called Progressive education were implemented into American classrooms on a massive scale, this would result in the dumbing down of America on a massive scale.”

(Dr. Cadbury Rocher took off his glasses and wiped them)

Dr. Rocher: Whether the traditional educators of the 1950s were right or whether John Dewey and his progressive ideas were right, we can tell by observing the world around us today.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked around the auditorium as 90% of the audience were on their smart phones text messaging about their most recent bowel movements or menstrual periods or sharing nude photos of themselves or sharing photos of cats or weighing in on the latest new hot topic in social networking which was, “Is it cruel and insensitive to take one’s goldfish into the bathtub with you when you’re having a bath?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 21st
2016.

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Renfield’s Proposal For Ending Public Washroom Discrimination

April 19, 2016 at 7:47 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield’s Proposal For Ending Public Washroom Discrimination

Amadeus Emanon was watching CNN where Anderson Cooper was interviewing Renfield R. Renfield about his campaign for the U.S. Presidency.

Anderson: And we’re here with Mr. Renfield R. Renfield… British born… or I should say… British genetically created… candidate for the U.S. Presidency… who’s willing to accept the nomination of either party… or both parties… to become President… who currently stands at 0.0% in the polls… has 0.0% of the delegates in either Party… but still believes he stands an excellent chance of becoming America’s next President… we’ll be back right after these messages.

Amadeus went to the refrigerator to get himself some more milk and cookies.

He got back to the living room just as the last commercial was ending.

Voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger: Crap From Kim Kardashian’s Excessively Large Booty… download for free from the App Store.

Anderson Cooper: And we’re back. Now, Mr. Renfield, one of the emerging issues in this campaign is the fact that members of the LGBT community feel discriminated against by being forced to use public washrooms for the sex or gender that Nature cruelly assigned them at birth. Several states have passed legislation saying that people must go into public washrooms for the sex or gender that they were born with… Mr. Renfield, where do you stand on this important civil rights issue?

Renfield (grinning) : Well if I was elected President, one of my first acts would be to sign an Executive Order banning all public washrooms.
If there are no washrooms in public, no one would feel discriminated against.

(Anderson Cooper is silent for a whole minute)

Anderson (finally speaking) : I don’t recall any of the other candidates running for President… not even Donald Trump… coming up with such an idea.

Renfield (grinning even more): That’s because Donald Trump is a divider not a uniter. He divides people. I’m a uniter. I unite people. When I’m elected President, the American people will be united and as one in not being able to find a washroom in a public place. That way no one will feel discriminated against.

Meanwhile down at the Set Enterprises lab, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was freaking out in his aquarium over a vision he was having of a Renfield Presidency in America.

CNN News Bulletin From The Future: The streets of New York City were running red with blood today as millions of people were fighting a quite literal Game of Thrones battle to find a throne somewhere in the city to relieve themselves…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 19th
2016.

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