Osiris Views Vatican Christmas Tree and Nativity Scene

December 23, 2017 at 9:06 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Osiris Views Vatican Christmas Tree and Nativity Scene

The Egyptian vampire Osiris had been invited by the Rome based spiritist medium Cassandra Sibylline to view the Vatican Christmas Tree and Nativity scene.

Osiris was worried that as a vampire, he might suffer intense pain viewing Christian symbols on the tree ūüĆ≤ and in the Nativity scene.

Osiris need not have worried.

For the decorations on the Vatican Christmas tree in Saint Peter’s Square this year were devoid of Christian religious symbols.

There were peace signs and yin/yang symbols but no angels, no depictions of the Magi and no images of Mary, Joseph or the Christ Child.

As for the Vatican Nativity scene, it did have Joseph, Mary, the Magi and the shepherds. It also had a naked man (who Cassandra Sibylline said looked “like the poster boy for the local Tony Curtis Spartacus Gym and Health Spa”) lying on the straw.

An ad for the Vatican Nativity scene was in fact rejected by Facebook saying “Your ad can’t include images that are sexually suggestive or provocative.”

Commented Osiris to Cassandra Sibylline, “I like this year’s Vatican Christmas tree and Nativity scene. It makes a vampire feel right at home.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 23rd
2017.

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Renfield In Egypt and Then Germany

April 29, 2017 at 2:33 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

After the papal speech at al-Azhar University in Cairo, Pope Francis and the Egyptian vampire Osiris met behind closed doors with Islamic leaders from across the Muslim world.

A phone call from the conference room was put in to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the Chief Rabbis of Israel.

Renfield R. Renfield who had bugged the room made notes.

“That’s very interesting,” Renfield thought to himself.

He left the notes on the table in his Cairo hotel room and put in a call to his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set letting him know the developments.

“What,” Set seethed, “that bastard Osiris! Why does everyone want to make deals with him and not me?”.

“The world has bad taste, boss,” Renfield replied as he flicked through the Cairo hotel TV guide and noticed the reality TV shows Survivor and also Big Brother Canada were available on the hotel’s TV programming.

“What the world needs is a statue of Set in the proposed ecumenical Interfaith Temple in Jerusalem,” Set started pulling his hair out with his razor sharp fingernails in a dramatic barber like scene that hadn’t been seen since the days Johnny Depp played Edward Scissorhands.

Meanwhile over in North Korea, Kim Jong-un was busy sobbing on to his teddy bear (that had the face of Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Hannibal Lecter on it), “That woman in my dream told me that if I painted an image of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull on my ballistic missiles, they’d launch successfully.”

The beautiful Korean woman in the white gown (from his dream) appeared behind him in reality and kicked him in the ass and told him, “I also told you to write the Latin words IN HOC SIGNO VINCES above the image, you idiot.”

Renfield decided to stop off in Germany on his way home from Cairo.

He had received a message from his new found ally the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

There was important business that Renfield had to attend to in Bavaria.

In a quiet Bavarian village, Herr Dummkopf Drecksack was a driving test administrator.

He was the motherfucking asshole of all driving test administrators.

He had just given a hard time to a personal friend of Dracul Van Helsing and Renfield R. Renfield.

Flunking her for making one mistake.

Renfield followed the pink velvet pants wearing Herr Dummkopf Drecksack as he walked down the street.

He followed him to a post office where the man picked up a dozen packages of viagra and a dozen packages of cialis.

He then put them in his brown coloured VW bug and drove home.

Inside his house, he lit a candle in front of the giant photo of Adolf Hitler above his black altar.

“Like Adolf, do you?” Renfield said behind him.

“What the?-” Herr Dummkopf Drecksack turned around.

That evening, Berlin’s national TV news channel reported, “The driving test administrator was found hanging from his rusty brown VW bug in the middle of the town square with his pants and underpants pulled down and a dozen packages of viagra hanging from his right arm and a dozen packages of cialis hanging from his left arm…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 29th
2017.

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Vampire Set’s Night On The Town- Berlin 1927

February 13, 2017 at 12:11 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was in the Mephisto Lounge in Berlin. He wasn’t sure how many cabarets he had been visiting this evening. For he had been drinking a lot. And it had been alcohol. And not blood.

An alcohol hazed memory of the murder of his brother Osiris came back to him.

Set's Murder of His Brother Osiris Appeared Different In An Alcoholic Haze

That’s funny, Set thought to himself. He didn’t recall Bastet being there when he invited Osiris to inhabit the box which he was to close and later bodily dismember Osiris into 14 pieces. He wondered as he chewed an olive he found in his jacket sleeve pocket (from a martini in a previous nightspot) if that was the origin of the expression, “Has the cat got your tongue?”. Perhaps the Egyptian cat goddess Bastet had Osiris’.

No sooner had Set thought this profound thought when he was confronted by the sight of the devil Mephistopheles standing before him.

In the Mephisto Lounge, the waiters were dressed like Mephistopheles And when ordering from the menu, you’d have to agree to sell your soul before they took your order.

You signed the document in blood but if you were squeamish about that, they would accept red ink.

Set agreed to sell his soul in order to get a beer.

In another corner of the lounge, two men were watching and observing Set.

Both men were with British Intelligence.

“Did you find out about his background?” One man Thomas asked the other man Henry.

“Well,” Henry took out his notebook, “he’s apparently Egyptian. There’s no record of him prior to his suddenly showing up in a Cairo nightclub in November of 1918. The past several years he’s lived in London, New York and Chicago. He moved to Berlin in 1925.”

“And what are his political sympathies?” Thomas asked.

“Well, he’s attended several meetings of the German National Socialist Workers’ Party to hear that fellow Corporal Hitler speak,” Henry answered.

“I see,” Thomas looked thoughtful, “and he apparently still owns property in England?”.

“Affirmative,” Henry nodded.

“This fixation he has with Nazism,” Thomas inquired, “Do you suppose he’s racist?”.

“I have no idea,” Henry shrugged.

Thomas pondered the question for a moment.

Then he lit his pipe, blew smoke rings and looked up at the ceiling.

“I suppose there’s one way to find out,” Thomas breathed in the Egyptian tobacco.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 8th
2017.

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Egyptian Vampiric God of Darkness Set On An Evening In Berlin 1927

February 10, 2017 at 1:17 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

It was the year 1927 and the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was living in Berlin.

It had been almost 9 years years since Set had had his tomb in Egypt dug up by British archaeologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury back on November 11th 1918 (the same day that the Armistice had been signed ending the Great War- the war that later generations would call the First World War).

Set was living in a luxurious Berlin apartment with his girlfriend the famous 1920s Berlin dominatrix the Baroness Erika Von Sade.

Set felt quite at home in the decadence and debauchery of 1920s Berlin.

It would have been what Egypt would have been like if he had been allowed to rule the land instead of his brother Osiris. He had of course bodily dismembered his goodly goody two shoes (made of Nile River reeds) brother Osiris. But unfortunately his sister and sister-in-law (for she was Osiris’ wife) Isis had found all the body parts of Osiris (save one) and put Osiris back together again.

Osiris tried to be a good Pharaoh again but it just wasn’t the same since he fell to pieces (or rather was carved to pieces by his brother Set).

Isis never did recover Osiris’ severed phallus. And his wooden phallus (by which he and Isis managed to conceive their son Horus) didn’t quite feel like the real thing (to quote a Coca-Cola ad from the distant future).

So Osiris wrote a sad song whose lyrics in ancient Egyptian said, “I’m not half the man I used to be” (the lyrics were later translated into English by the Beatles in the 1960s). Osiris later fell into a deep sleep under a black magic spell cast by Set who exiled his brother to a planet near the star Sirius for a few thousand years.

Horus, to avenge his father Osiris, buried Set alive in a tomb for a few thousand years.

Then that tomb had been dug up by Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury in 1918.

Set had escaped, gone into the U.S. bootlegging business with Al Capone, made a killing (his partner Big Al had made even more killings) and was using the proceeds to live the high life in Berlin.

Set was getting dressed to go out for a night on the town in Berlin on this particular evening in 1927.

“Which cabaret will you be visiting tonight, sir?” His valet Hans Franz Benz asked him.

“I’m not sure, Hans,” Set selected the red tie to go with the colour of his victims’ neck bites and the resulting liquid flow.

“I believe your favourite lounge singer Marlene Dietrich is singing at one of the clubs tonight, sir,” Hans tied the tie for Set.

“Really? I’ll have to go to that club,” Set decided not to go with the wooden shoes from Holland on the off chance some vampire hunter might use one of his shoes for a wooden stake.

“Did you spend the day sleeping in your sarcophagus, sir,?” Hans inquired.

“No, I did spend it indoors out of the sun,” Set replied, “I was in an auditorium listening to that dynamic young politician from Bavaria speak.”

“Would that be Adolf Hitler, sir?” Hans selected a pair of black boots with Death’s Head shoe laces.

“That’s the man,” Set smiled showing a huge pair of vampiric incisors, “he says he’s going to make Germany great again.”

“That’s good to hear, sir,” Hans put Set’s arms through his vest.

“I always admire political leaders who are going to make their country great again,” Set selected the gold cufflinks inscribed with the Napoleonic N in a Roman laurel leaf crown.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 8th
2017.

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Osiris’ Vision For One World Government

November 12, 2015 at 8:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Osiris’ Vision For One World Government

Having got his mojo back recently (after paying his arch-enemy brother’s top research scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher a huge amount of money to re-attach a certain long lost body part), Osiris was sitting in a Rome night club hoping to get it on with the ladies.

A drunken diplomat who sat next to him up at the bar said to him, “Excuse me, sir, I was just having a conversation with my friend here,” he gestured to the empty seat next to him, “about what form a one- world government should take if one should ever happen to come into place. What form do you think it will take?.”

Osiris had been brushing up on world history ever since he had been brought back into material existence by the accelerated high particle beams of an ET laser death ray gun fired in reverse a year ago this past Halloween.

Thus he was able to answer the question.

“Well,” Osiris dropped an ancient cyclops’ eyeball into his martini, “I don’t think either an extreme laissez-faire capitalism nor a Soviet style Communism shall succeed in establishing a one-world government.”

“No, what will succeed then?” The diplomat bought another round of drinks for himself and his invisible bunny rabbit friend sitting next to him.

“I believe it will be a globalized form of German National Socialism,” Osiris answered, “but one that will be truly global and not Germanic. It will be the political and economic system of the Third Reich on a world-wide scale but one devoid of its racial theories and notions of racial superiority. In this globalized form of an international National Socialism, all races and ethnic groups will be accepted. It will be certain individuals that will be persecuted but for their beliefs and not for their racial or ethnic backgrounds- individuals who do not follow the global hive mindset (what Teilhard de Chardin would probably consider an Incarnation of his Noosphere). Those individuals will be persecuted and maybe eliminated.
The rest will follow the world leader without question under the slogan One Planet One People One Leader.
And of course instead of doing everything for the Fatherland, they will do everything for Mother Earth.”

“Wow,” the diplomat pondered this for a moment and then turned to his invisible friend (who had not touched his Harvey Wallbanger), “what do you think about that, Harvey, old boy?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 12th
2015.

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Cardinal JM and Osiris

November 5, 2015 at 8:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Cardinal JM and Osiris

The Vatican Cardinal JM was in a downtown Rome lounge waiting to meet the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris.

His personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe would not be accompanying him as he usually did to such meetings.

Father Wardenclyffe would be attending a performance of a new ballet Swan Lake In The Desert at the U. S. Embassy this night.

The original avante-garde ballet was being performed by the U.S. Marine Corps Barack Obama Performing Arts Division.

“Your Eminence,” The Vampire Osiris dressed in a tuxedo and tie greeted Cardinal JM.

“Your Most Exalted Ancient Egyptian Highness,” Cardinal JM bowed.

“You look well, JM,” Osiris stated.

“You’re looking somewhat green this evening,” the Cardinal observed, “aren’t you feeling well?”.

“I’ve always looked green,” Osiris snapped irritably, “if you ever bothered to look at pictures of my painted image on the walls of Egyptian temples and tombs. It was a condition brought about by eating too many jars of pickles when I was younger.”

“I apologize for my abysmal ignorance, your Highness,” Cardinal JM looked flustered, “ancient Greek religion is my field of study.”

“It wasn’t Catholicism?” Osiris inquired.

“I know very little about Catholicism,” Cardinal JM replied, “which probably explains why I was named a Cardinal. If I had known even less, I would have probably been elected Pope at the Papal Conclave back in 2013.”

“Why did you arrange for us to meet tonight?” Osiris ordered a martini with extra olives from the waiter.

“I have a gift for you,” Cardinal JM put a small box on the table, “this was recently found in the Vatican Archives.”

Osiris opened the box and cried, “My original phallus.”

“Yes,” Cardinal JM nodded and smiled, “the one that your brother Set cut off so brutally in Egypt many millennia ago in a procedure which these days may or may not be covered under modern Obamacare, I’d have to check on that.”

“The one piece of my original 14 dismembered body parts that my sister, wife and lover Isis was never able to find,” Osiris wept.

“It was found back in 1922 by a Jesuit Egyptologist who died after being bitten by an asp on his ass,” the Cardinal explained, “our aging archivist only got around to cataloging it this year.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 4th
2015.

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Diablos Nocturna At The NATO Summit In Newport Wales

September 12, 2014 at 7:47 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Diablos Nocturna At The NATO Summit In Newport Wales

The NATO Summit in Newport Wales was winding down.

Most of the world leaders had left.

And MI-6 agent Diablos Nocturna who had overseen security operations at the summit was watching the shutting down of the summit.

He saw Monica Dhaliwal his liaison with CSIS (the Canadian Security Intelligence Service) approach looking very attractive and stylish in her white blouse, blue jacket, tight blue skirt, black silk pantyhose and striking cerulean blue spiked stiletto high- heeled shoes.

She was definitely the reason he had enjoyed working this summit so much.

She flashed a warm smile as she stood face-to-face with him.

“So,” she flicked her hair back as she spoke, “how ever did you come up with the code name Diablos Nocturna – Devil of the Night?”.

“From medieval legends of the incubus,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“The male demon who slept with beautiful women in the night?” Monica Dhaliwal smiled again.

“The same,” Diablos Nocturna nodded.

“Say who was that woman who looked like the singer Rihanna and was dressed in a Dior red evening gown and hob nobbed with all the world leaders at all the summit dinners?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“That’s the Paris-based billionairess and Egyptian Vampiress Isis,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“Vampiress?” The female CSIS agent was shocked.

“Yes her brother, brother-in-law and arch-enemy the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lives in London,” the MI-6 operative answered.

“So you mean there really are such things as vampires and vampiresses?” Monica Dhaliwal adjusted her skirt.

“There are indeed,” the MI-6 agent replied.

“In my university days,” Monica Dhaliwal began stroking her hair, “I’d heard talk of a legendary Canadian vampire hunter by the name of Dracul Van Helsing. Does he actually exist?”.

“He does,” Diablos Nocturna nodded, “I’ve heard of him.”

“This London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set,” the CSIS operative inquired, “does he have anything to do with Set Enterprises the British research and development firm that’s said to be engaged in secret and very controversial genetics experiments?”.

“Yes, he owns it,” Diablos Nocturna took note of a news channel helicopter in the distance, “you might also have heard of his controversial corporate Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering the notorious Renfield R. Renfield. He has quite the reputation in international espionage circles.”

“Renfield R. Renfield works for Set?” The CSIS agent had indeed heard of the ruthless and totally psychotic individual that Western intelligence agencies turned to as a last resort when it came to dealing with the vilest scum of the Earth.

There were rumours that The Blacklist TV series’ character of Raymond Red Reddington was actually modeled on Renfield R. Renfield.

“Yes he works for Set,” Diablos Nocturna answered.

The MI-6 agent invited the CSIS agent for a drink in a nearby Welsh pub.

As they approached the pub entrance from the street, Welsh werewolf (although most people didn’t know that he was a werewolf) British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley came rushing out of the pub.

“They don’t have any buttermilk in this pub,” Magog Rhys Petley gasped, “in fact, they don’t seem to have buttermilk anywhere in town.”

He went running down the street shouting, “Buttermilk. I need buttermilk.”

“Quite the eccentric character,” Monica Dhaliwal looked down the street after him.

“That was Magog Rhys Petley a Welsh Member of Parliament at Westminster,” Diablos Nocturna stated, “Obviously a man who enjoys his buttermilk.”

They entered the pub.

. . .

“So what was this Vampiress Isis doing talking to all those world leaders?” Monica Dhaliwal asked Diablos Nocturna after they sat down.

“She’s hoping to use NATO to destroy Vladimir Putin’s Russia,” Diablos Nocturna replied.

“I see,” Monica Dhaliwal looked puzzled, “and why does she want to do that?”.

“Because it was a Russian nuclear submarine that used a laser death ray to disintegrate the spaceship that was returning her brother, husband and lover Osiris to Earth from the star system of Sirius back on December 21st 2012 and she’s vowed vengeance ever since,” the MI-6 operative replied.

“I see,” the CSIS operative felt she was in a dream.

“All part of a long-standing family feud that originated in Egypt millenia ago,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “when their brother Set cut up Osiris into 14 pieces and scattered the body parts throughout Egypt. Isis who was married to Osiris managed to find all the parts save one and put them back together again and using Egyptian magic managed to resurrect Osiris. But then Set managed to cast a Black Magic spell on Osiris transporting him and exiling him to a planet in the star system of Sirius. So Horus the son of Isis and Osiris who was also Set’s nephew buried Set alive in a tomb. Set’s tomb was then discovered and opened on November 11th 1918 at ironically enough exactly 1100 hours Greenwich time when the Armistice ending the First World War came into effect. Set fled the tomb after his sarcophagus lid was taken off and he’s been wreaking his havoc on the world ever since.”

“I see,” Monica Dhaliwal sipped her Chai tea (which she was surprised to see offered in a Welsh pub), “and how was it that Osiris returned to Earth on December 21st 2012?”.

“It was because of the Black Magic spell that Set cast on Osiris,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “for ancient Egyptian witchcraft Black Magic spells like most modern food and dairy products had an expiration date on it. And the expiration date for the spell exiling Osiris to the star system of Sirius ended December 21st 2012 on our calendar. It was an expiration date of which the Mayans, the Aztecs and the Hopi Indians were aware. Their prophecies about this event gave the History Channel a lot to talk about on its programs throughout most of the first 12 years of the 21st Century. For all intensive public purposes since nothing appeared to happen on December 21st 2012, they’ve scrambled to try to find a replacement and think that endless reruns of American Pickers will somehow capture the imagination of the television viewing public. If, like Isis, subscribers to the History Channel knew what really happened on December 21st 2012, they too would be calling for Vladimir Putin’s head on a silver platter.”

“So for Isis, all hopes of Osiris’ return have vanished into thin air like disintegrated particles from the after effects of a laser death ray?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“Yes, having one’s anatomical body parts reduced to the sub-atomic level is certainly more of a challenge to put back together again than just being cut up into 14 pieces,” Diablos Nocturna admitted, “but it so happened that leading Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius happened to be in the area of Vancouver’s English Bay at the time and happened to use a mirror and the sounds of the sea from a large sea shell he was holding to collect the disintegrated particles from the laser death ray explosion and put them into a working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider he had in his rowboat with him at the time.”

“So the particles of Osiris’ sub-atomic structure were gathered into Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius’ working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider?” Monica Dhaliwal asked.

“Along with the sub-atomic particles of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl who was arriving in a space ship from Saturn’s moon Titan in the same vicinity at the same time and was likewise disintegrated from the laser death ray fired by the Russian nuclear submarine that was illegally trespassing in Canadian coastal waters at the time,” Diablos Nocturna answered.

“Wow, I never heard about that in my History of War and Conflict Class at UBC,” said Monica Dhaliwal who was a recent graduate of the University of British Columbia prior to her recruitment by CSIS.

“Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper covered up the whole incident to prevent a possible war with Russia,” Diablos Nocturna explained, “and Harper’s NATO ally U.S. President Barack Obama is still working on a strategy to respond to the whole incident. He may come up with such a working strategy at the same time he finally comes up with a strategy against ISIS- that is the Islamist terrorist caliphate not the Paris-based billionairess Egyptian Vampiress.”

“So whatever became of the particles that were placed inside Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius’ model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider?” the CSIS agent asked.

“They’re now in the Vampiress Isis’ secret subterranean laboratory below Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Diablos Nocturna replied, “although it’s not as secret as she thinks it is since MI-6 knows all about it. There Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius and a number of other of the world’s leading scientists are working to put the particles of Osiris back together again.”

“Why is the Vampiress Isis’ laboratory located beneath Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris?” Monica Dhaliwal inquired.

“It’s my understanding that Isis is a big fan of the late great British actor Charles Laughton,” the MI-6 agent answered, “and particularly enjoyed his 1939 film The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

“So are they having any success putting the particles of Osiris back together again?” The CSIS agent looked at the pattern in her cup of chai tea.

“Well according to a theoretical research paper written by a professor of particle physics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,” Diablos Nocturna put a little pepper on his dish of Welsh rarebit, “an ET gray’s laser death ray gun fired in reverse into the surrounding atmosphere might be able to put the particles back together again.”

“So all Isis has to do then is to get her hands on an ET gray’s laser death ray gun,” Monica Dhaliwal picked up her fork to sample her own dish of Welsh rarebit.

“That’s right,” Diablos Nocturna nodded, “and there may be a bit of a problem getting that.”

On the radio in the Welsh pub was playing the latest release from the American music group Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers with their lead vocalist Sekhmet singing the lyrics that were also the title of the song, “Mr. ET Gray, I’m So Sorry I Lost Your Laser Death Ray Gun.”

In the distance outside the pub could be heard the melancholy haunting sound of what sounded like a werewolf howling.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 6th
2014

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Isis Receives Offer From The NSA

March 25, 2014 at 5:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Isis Receives Offer From The NSA

Deep in a crypt below Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris was a room known as the Interfaith Dialogue Room With Ancient Egyptian Religions that had been created in the heyday of the excitement of Vatican II.

Today the room was a highly advanced particle physics laboratory dedicated to re-assembling the particles and sub-atomic particles and nano-particles of the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris who had disintegrated into such tiny particles when he had been blown to bits by a laser death ray fired at him by a Russian nuclear submarine when he attempted to return to Earth landing at Vancouver’s English Bay on December 21st 2012.

Isis vowed vengeance on Vladimir Putin.

Now Isis received a communication from the NSA who likewise were anxious to stop Putin after he annexed Crimea.

The NSA offered to send over DARPA’s best scientists to help in the task of sub-atomically putting Osiris back together again.

Isis emailed back that she’d gladly accept their help.

. . .

U. S. President Barack Obama looked at the personally autographed photo of the U.S. ‘s new ally the Egyptian Vampiress Isis.

“She looks a lot like the singer Rihanna,” the President mused.

The description was accurate.

Isis could easily have been mistaken for Rihanna’s identical twin sister or even doppelg√§nger.

Isis had also misplaced many a diamond in the sky during her nocturnal vampiric flights around Paris no doubt inspiring the lyrics of one of Rihanna’s songs.

. . .

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec who could have easily been mistaken for the doppelgänger or identical twin sister of actress Salma Hayek was currently flying over Venezuela.

She looked down and happened to see Russian nuclear warheads being attached to Russian SS-27 missiles.

She flew down to the ground gently landing on her spiked stilettos, lifted her skirt and pulled an iPhone out of her garter belt to call and inform Arizona Sen. John McCain of what she saw.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 25th
2014.

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Eating The McFrankenburger

August 5, 2013 at 8:00 pm (Commentary, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Eating The McFrankenburger

Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa eagerly clutching a bucket of hot buttered  popcorn and a large theatre sized carton of Coca-Cola eagerly waiting for the press conference to start on BBC News.

Amadeus sat eating black licorice and waited in nervous anticipation wondering what it was that Renfield had done.

                   .           .          .

Mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was at work in the Set Enterprises Laboratory when he suddenly noticed that one of his genetically created shapeshifting serums was missing.

                      .          .           .

Renfield turned up the volume on the remote when the press conference started.

The lead scientist from Maastricht University’s research team introduced the world’s first laboratory grown hamburger patty and the hamburger patty must have missed its calling in its brief short life because it did not stand up to take a bow.

Instead a chef from Cornwall cooked it and two food critics were called up on stage to eat it.

And that was it.

                   .           .             .

Renfield was flabbergasted.

“Nothing happened,” ¬†Renfield cried.

Amadeus helped himself to some of the popcorn from Renfield’s carton of popcorn as Renfield sat on the sofa in a total state of shock.

                 .             .               .

Pan Goatee was being paid $2 million U.S. by America’s Rolling Stone Magazine to sit down for an exclusive interview with them.

It was the first such media interview that Britain’s most notorious contemporary serial ¬†killer had granted.

“So,” Tila Tequila who was doing some freelance reporting for Rolling Stone Magazine asked him, ¬†“you figure you were probably created in a genetics lab somewhere prior to waking up in the middle of the road after a lorry accident in northern England?”.

“That is correct,” ¬†Pan Goatee grinned as he sipped on a strawberry margarita while wearing a t-shirt that said Strawberry Fields Forever.

“And do you think the Illuminati had anything to do with your creation?” Tila asked him as she adjusted her skirt.

“Well from my brief life span on this Earth in which I must admit I’ve accumulated a tremendous amount of knowledge thus showing what a great genius I am,” Pan ¬†Goatee batted his eyelashes with modesty, ¬†“I think the upper echelons of the Illuminati are obsessed with Osiris as a god of light and goodness. ¬†I think I was probably created by forces more in alignment with Set who was Osiris’ darker more brooding more melancholy and more dark side of the force brother.”

“Wow that really blows my mind,” Tila ¬†said, “I understand you have the ability to astral project as well.”

“That is correct,” ¬†Pan Goatee astral projected his cloven left foot hoof across the room.

“Amazing,” ¬†¬†Tila gasped, ¬†“and you say your ability to astral project only emerged a couple of months after you awoke lying in the middle of that road in northern England?”.

“Yes,” Pan Goatee unwrapped a Cadbury Caramilk bar and helped himself to a couple of Ferrero Rocher chocolates, ¬†“I suspect whoever my creator is, ¬†he hasn’t fully mastered the mixed DNA cocktails he creates. ¬†And so some things only kick in to his creations months, weeks or possibly hours after their creation.”

                       .         .          .

The two food critics who had eaten the world’s first lab grown hamburger were now enjoying a nice juicy tenderloin steak in a swanky upscale London restaurant.

When the waiter came over to ask them how they were enjoying their meals,  both food critics suddenly turned into the spitting image of world-famous clown Ronald McDonald.

“Mon Dieu,” the restaurant’s French ¬†maitre ‘d ¬†¬†gasped when he saw the transformation, ¬†“this will mean bad reviews for the restaurant for sure.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 5th
2013.

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