Lilith Takes The Crown

August 22, 2017 at 7:10 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Lilith Takes The Crown

Lilith was being crowned Queen of the Universe at a ceremony in a chapel at the Vatican in Rome.

The cardinal doing the crowning was the Zeus and Apollo worshipping Cardinal JM (JM stood for his secret society moniker Judas Manasseh).

He was assisted in this by his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress was wearing a beautiful scarlet red evening dress as she was being crowned.

Also present at the ceremony was Nimrod a little green frog.

Nimrod was supposed to be in charge of carrying the flowers for the ceremony but, being a frog, he ate them instead.

As Nimrod was busy hiccoughing rose petals from his mouth, the demon Asmodeus was busy filling up the chapel with his cigarette smoke from his irritatingly bad cigarette smoking habit.

His demonic acquaintances tried to talk him into wearing a nicotine patch which he did but it didn’t seem to work for him.

Coughing on Asmodeus’ cigarette smoke was the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf (a grey wolf whose body had been possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler after it had been granted permission by Hades and Persephone to leave the Underworld and wander the Earth for awhile at the Germanic god Wotan’s request which he asked of the Greek chthonic deities through his emissary Thor).

Adolf hadn’t liked cigarette smoke in his previous life and didn’t think much of it in this one either.

But seeing as how he was no longer the Fuhrer of Germany, he could no longer order that Asmodeus be shot by firing squad.

Not that demons were prone to death by firing squad anyways.

When the ceremony was over, they walked outside to enjoy the sunset over Rome.

The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf then started howling that he had an idea on how to cause trouble for Russia.

Since no one in the party understood lupine, they ignored the grey wolf’s howling.

The psychic seer Cassandra Sibylline walked by and she could understand the lupine language.

She said, “The wolf is saying that if you want to destabilize Russia, then go to Hades and Persephone and request that the spirit of Grigori Rasputin be allowed to leave the Underworld and return to Russia for a while.”

A party strategist for the U.S. Democratic National Committee (DNC) walked by and thought that was an excellent suggestion.

He would report back to Hillary Clinton with that suggestion since she was still wanting revenge against Russia for costing her (in her opinion) the last U.S. Presidential election.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 22nd
2017.

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Lilith, Asmodeus, Kim Jong-un and Aphrodite

May 13, 2017 at 3:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith stood on the Mount of Olives overlooking the old city of Jerusalem.

Alongside her was the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf Hitler (his spirit was granted a temporary leave of absence from the Underworld by permission of Hades and Persephone and he had entered and possessed the body of a grey wolf).

Lilith had found the grey wolf wandering the streets of Kiev, Ukraine (where she was currently living) and had adopted the creature as her pet.

She brought him with her to the Holy Land.

“Someday,” Lilith bragged to the grey wolf, “we shall rid this land of all the Jews.”

“Sounds like a splendid idea to me,” the lupine former Fuhrer wagged his tail.

Meanwhile in France, the demon Asmodeus was visiting the village of Rennes-le-Chateau and more specifically the Church of Saint Mary Magdalene.

He had heard that there was a statue of himself holding up the holy water stoup inside the Church.

“A very good likeness,” Asmodeus grinned as he lit a cigarette and took a selfie of himself alongside the statue and posted it to Facebook.

Meanwhile back at the Presidential Palace in Caracas, Venezuela, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro was in hot water.

His residence was one of the few places in Venezuela where the hot water was still working.

But none of this concerned the megalomaniacal President as he sat in his bath tub text messaging with his ally North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

Kim Jong-un boasted to Maduro on his Skype screen, “I’ve got the Greek god Hephaestus designing and making my missiles for me.”

Meanwhile in Athens, Greece, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had been informed by MI-6’s Diablos Nocturna Division that Hephaestus was now making missiles for Kim Jong-un.

He had arrived in Greece for one purpose.

To convince the Greek goddess Aphrodite to go to Pyongyang North Korea and convince her husband Hephaestus to stop making missiles for Kim Jong-un.

“Why should I do that for you, Dracul Van Helsing?” She asked the Canadian vampire hunter who was also an operative for MI-6.

“I’ll give you an entire evening of reasons why,” said Dracul.

After an evening of passionate love making, Aphrodite got up and greeted the dawn.

The Greek Goddess Aphrodite

“All right,” Aphrodite cooed at Dracul, “I’ll go.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 13th
2017.

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Qonzilqointec and Quetzalcoatl On Cinqo de Mayo

May 5, 2017 at 4:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec
The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec: Now living life as a blonde

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had recently dyed her hair blonde.

She was waiting by the door to go out with her spiritual godfather the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl to attend Cinqo de Mayo celebrations.

Quetzalcoatl came down the stairs having given up on finding a tuxedo and tie that would fit him.

“Let’s go,” he said.

He did grab a giant top hat and a giant cane and wore them.

Later at the Cinqo de Mayo celebrations in Mexico City, Quetzalcoatl was pissed off to see more representations of some figure called Santa Muerte (Saint Death) rather than himself Quetzalcoatl.

“Who is this Santa Muerte?” Quetzalcoatl bitterly asked Qonzilqointec.

“She’s the patron Saint of drug dealers,” Qonzilqointec replied.

“I’m starting to feel some sympathy for Donald Trump at the moment, ” Quetzalcoatl remarked in anger.

Qonzilqointec heard shouts from the crowd, “Look, it’s a guy… some drag queen… dressed as Santa Muerte.”

The drag queen Santa Muerte looked familiar so Qonzilqointec took his/her picture with her smart phone and posted it on her Facebook page.

In Kiev, Ukraine where the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith had recently taken up residence, she happened to notice Qonzilqointec’s photo of the drag queen Santa Muerte.

“It’s my castrated ex-consort the archangel Samael,” Lilith gasped.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 5th
2017.

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Just Another Maundy Thursday?

April 13, 2017 at 4:31 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon was in the Set Enterprises lab with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Amadeus was checking the computer that kept track of all Michelangelo’s psychic predictions for the past 30 days just in case the manual scribe who wrote down all of Michelangelo’s psychic predictions as they happen just happen to miss one.

The manual scribe that wrote down Michelangelo’s predictions was the cyborg robotic operated missing right hand of the Venus de Milo. The missing right arm was discovered by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s personal archaeologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury on November 28th 1960 at a remote location on the island of Greenland which is quite the distance from the Greek island of Milos where the original famous armless statue of the Greek goddess Aphrodite (now in the Louvre) was first discovered back on April 8th 1820. Dr. Cadbury Rocher (in violation of the laws regarding internationally important antiquities) drilled a hole inside the marble arm and inserted an electronic wire that operated on a wi-fi system and caused the arm to move and write on a piece of paper whenever Michelangelo had a psychic revelation out of the blue when no one was present.

Usually this was Renfield’s job to take down what the missing right arm of the Venus de Milo might have missed but Renfield R. Renfield was currently in Venezuela in the planning stages of a coup to overthrow the government of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.

Amadeus was checking a prediction that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had made back on April 1st of this year.

The prediction said, “World War III would break out on Good Friday 2017.”

Good Friday 2017?

That was tomorrow.

Amadeus looked at the calendar.

Amadeus wondered.

Was this prediction genuine or accurate?

Or was it an April Fool’s joke?

In the background, the song Only Time sung by the Irish singer Enya played on the radio.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was sampling the best of British Columbia grass (as opposed to the California grass that the Beatles had once sang about) and checking his email as he smoked it.

He noticed he got an email from Gali-Gula the ET gray from the planet Nibiru (whose ET gray body was inhabited by the ghost of the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula).

The email read,

“Hello Justy old boy,

How’s it going? You’ll be delighted to hear that I’m one of 12 individuals selected to get his feet washed by Pope Francis at tonight’s Maundy Thursday papal washing of the feet ceremony.

I wound up in a Rome jail because I parked my spaceship in a No Parking zone outside the Colosseum and I tried to bribe the corrupt City of Rome policeman out of a ticket with Italian lira forgetting that the current currency of Italy is now the Euro.

Anyways look for me getting my feet washed by the Pope on the news tonight. I’ll be the one who’s rather short, gray in colour and not wearing any clothes.

Affectionately yours,

Your far out Extraterrestrial friend,
Gali-Gula.

. . .

The NATO General Wolfgang Vulkan (who was the Norse god Odin (aka the old German god Wotan) in disguise) stood in the middle of Maidan Square in Kiev.

He noticed Russian Spetsnaz special forces dropping from the skies over Kiev.

What were they doing?

He noticed that the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith standing in a white evening dress in the middle of the square appeared to be leading them.

Thor stood there with his hammer.

“Why is Lilith leading these Spetsnaz?” He asked Wotan.

“I’m not sure,” Wotan shook his head sadly, “if my mortal son was here, he could ask her. My mortal son was once allies and friends with her.”

“You have a mortal son?” Thor was shocked.

“I must confess that I once acted like the Greek god Zeus and seduced a mortal woman,” Wotan shook his head in shame, “it was the late summer of 1888. My mortal son was born 9 months later in April 1889.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone of this?” Thor inquired.

“If he had conquered the world like he said he was going to do, I would have, I’d have been a proud papa,” Wotan’s one-eye wept tears, “but he didn’t conquer the world. He never made it to Valhalla on his death. The Valkyries could not enter Berlin on the day he died April 30th 1945 because they came under attack by Soviet forces when they tried.”

“So where is he?” Thor asked.

“Some wise guy put a gold coin in my son’s mouth when he died and he ended up in the Greek underworld of Hades after Charon rowed him across the River Styx,” Wotan answered, “perhaps you could go to Hades and Persephone and ask that my son’s ghost be allowed to come here to speak to Lilith.”

Thor looked in the direction of Lilith and noticed the wolf Fenrir standing next to her.

“I’ll go,” said Thor, “what is your mortal son’s name?”.

Wotan replied, “Adolf Hitler.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 13th
2017.

The Wild Hunt 1889 by Franz von Stuck
An Adolf Hitler looking Germanic god Wotan in the 1889 painting The Wild Hunt by Franz von Stuck

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Nero and Assad

April 10, 2017 at 3:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The man drinking in the Rome taverna always told all who cared to listen that he once worked in the Vatican Antiquities Museum.

“I didn’t used to drink in those days,” he said to the disbelief of all, “until the night when I saw a ghostly violin… a violin that was only spectral in appearance… not a material violin… but an astrally projected violin up and leave the museum. Then I was let go for seeing it leave.”

“When was that?” asked the occasional bored taverna patron who pressed for more information.

“July 17th 2000,” the man replied.

. . .

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad (who had been in office since July 17th 2000) was talking to the spiritist medium Dulcinea Lucia who had flown in from London for the reading.

The gypsy Dulcinea Lucia (who was the goddaughter of Persephone the Greek goddess of the underworld) had special access to the spirits of Hades.

And Bashar al-Assad was anxious to talk to the spirit of the late Syrian Greek king Antiochus IV of the Seleucid dynasty (the man known to the world as Antiochus Epiphanes).

. . .

The Mossad agent they called the Controller of the Golem was in his office reading a document called the Otzar Midrashim that told the story of a Talmudic sage who received an angelic message regarding the coming of the Messiah.

He read,

“This will be for you a sign: when you see that the Nero of the East has fallen in Damascus, the kingdom of the east will fall, and then the salvation of Israel will grow, and the Messiah of the House of David will arrive and [the Jews] will go up to Jerusalem.” (Otzar Midrashim)

The Controller of the Golem wondered, is it possible that the current secularist tyrant Bashar al-Assad who rules Syria, was he the Nero of the East referred to in the Otzar Midrashim prophecy?

Nero and Assad

He looked up and saw the Egyptian vampiress Isis standing in front of him.

“Oh ye of little faith,” Isis spoke to him rebukingly, “do you not know that it is my husband Osiris who is your Messiah? Reach out to us for help. For you know that it is your old enemy Lilith who is trying to destroy you, the vampiress who poisoned your drink with Polonium-210 in London, the vampiress who has always worked behind the scenes for your people’s destruction. Only I and Osiris have the power to stop her. Even now, Lilith is in Damascus seeking your nation’s destruction. She is currently speaking with both Assad and the spirit of the Syrian Greek king Antiochus IV Epiphanes who sought your destruction centuries ago.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 10th
2017.

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NASA, The Zohar and The Seven-Planet Star System

March 6, 2017 at 3:41 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Mossad agent they called The Controller of the Golem was back in Jerusalem.

He had spent months recovering in a private London hospital (connected to Set Enterprises) after he had been poisoned with Polonium-210 given him by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

Now he was reading a report that a group of fanatically inclined Kabbalistic Jews were intending to blow up the Dome on the Rock and the Mosque of Omar and replace it with a Third Jewish Temple.

What was bringing about the action was NASA’s discovery of a 7-planet star system with its Spitzer space telescope.

The dwarf star called Trappist-1 (39 light years away from Earth) had 7 planets orbiting it.

The trouble was that the Zohar (the foundational work of Jewish mysticism) predicted the appearance of a star with seven “stars” orbiting it prior to the arrival of the Messiah…

… a star will rise up in the East, blazing in all colours, and seven other stars will surround that star. And they will wage war on it.

Now one sect was convinced that NASA’s announcement was proof of this star system predicted in the Zohar.

The Messiah wouldn’t be far behind.

Well, the Controller sighed, he didn’t know about the Messiah but he had the feeling Hell on Earth was just around the corner.

Lilith The Vampiress

Lilith: One glass of Polonium-210 this day
will send the coroner heading your way

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 6th
2017.

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This Ottoman Is Getting A Little Worn

March 3, 2017 at 7:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

In Berlin, Germany, Chancellor Angela Merkel was enjoying a nice dinner of sauerkraut and German sausages along with a glass of white Riesling wine.

In Ankara, Turkey, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan the would-be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire was busy peeing his pants and foaming at the mouth over the fact that Berlin wouldn’t allow rallies in Germany for his pro-dictatorship referendum among Turkish citizens living there.

A pissed off Erdogan accused Berlin of “aiding and harbouring terror”.

As Erdogan continued to rant and rave in one of the 250 rooms of the new Presidential Palace in Ankara, a bat flew into the room.

The bat immediately turned into a Greek woman wearing a Phoenician purple coloured evening dress.

“Who the Hell are you?” Erdogan demanded to know as saliva flew up into his moustache.

The woman who was a vampiress picked Erdogan up by his collar and threw him against one of the room’s gold-plated walls.

“I am the Vampiress Theodora, you impotent little bedwetter with a small penis,” the Byzantine vampiress introduced herself, “in my mortal life, I was the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Emperor Justinian I the greatest Emperor of the Byzantine Empire. Just letting you know that the Ottoman Empire will never be revived. Istanbul shall revert to being called Constantinople again and will once again be the capital of a new Byzantine Empire after you centuries old interlopers have gone.”

She kicked Erdogan in his children’s marbles sized testicles with her purple spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes, turned into a bat and left.

“Ow,” Erdogan rubbed his testicles, “I think I much prefer that ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who has the little green frog called Nimrod that sometimes jumps up from the top of her low-cut dress.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 3rd 2017.

Byzantine Empress Theodora

Theodora: Byzantium shall be restored.

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The Death and Return of Apollo

January 6, 2017 at 5:33 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

In the year 390 AD, the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was destroyed under the Emperor Theodosius the Great who made Nicene Christianity the official state Church of the Roman Empire.

“I’m so depressed,” the Greek god Apollo had wept to the Ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

Lilith could see that Apollo had a broken heart so she gave him some poisoned Babylonian grapes that were capable of killing an Olympian immortal like Apollo.

Following the death of Apollo in 390 AD, the ancient Greco-Roman religion (itself in decline for several decades now since the Emperor Constantine’s victory at the Battle of the Milvian Bridge in 312 AD) rapidly died out so that there were very worshipers of the old Greco-Roman gods left by the time Theodosius himself died in 395 AD.

Zeus and the other Olympians went into the shadows and no more publicly acted in the domain of mortal men and women.

Apollo was buried on Mount Parnassus after his death but his tomb became lost to both god and man after a small quake shook Mount Parnassus.

Then in the year 2012 AD on the night of the summer solstice that year, Apollo’s tomb on Mount Parnassus was discovered by the French archaeologist vampire Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle (whose expeditions were sponsored by the Egyptian vampiress Isis) after sundown.

Apollo’s body was then flown to a medical lab in Berlin since German doctors in their pompous arrogance thought they could bring Apollo back from the dead.

They were mistaken and the medical team drowned their sorrows in gallons of sauerkraut and Bavarian beer.

Even famed South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo (famous for bringing people and animals back from the dead as zombies) could not raise Apollo.

Said Makabo, “Those poisonous ancient Babylonian grapes were quite effective in killing immortals dead… permanently.”

Dr. Sterling Makabo’s statement, even though it sounded like an ad for a TV commercial, turned out to be quite true.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who was contacted on her smart phone (while shopping for high-heels and dresses in a leading Parisienne fashion house) said as far as she knew (and she had been alive for some 6000 years now even though she didn’t look a day over 30), there was no antidote to the poisonous ancient Babylonian grapes.

So in 2012, Apollo’s father Zeus grieved.

It looked like nothing could bring his son Apollo back from the dead (so only Hades alone would be able to enjoy the playing of Apollo upon his lyre).

. . .

Top 1000 National Enquirer Stories of 2016-

Top National Enquirer story #666 : Set Enterprises’ Resident Mad Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher Brings Mossad Agent The Controller of the Golem Back From The Dead After Ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith Had Poisoned Controller’s Scotch Whiskey With Polonium-210

. . .

Christmas Day 2016- The ancient Greek god Zeus paid a visit to Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to see if he could develop an antidote to the ancient Babylonian poisonous grapes that had killed Apollo.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith (wearing a lovely red evening dress) accompanied Zeus and presented Dr. Rocher with a sample of the ancient poisoned Babylonian grapes that she had fed Apollo many centuries ago to permanently end his heartbreak.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Dr. Rocher promised.

. . .

January 5th 2017 (Eve of the Epiphany on the Catholic Church calendar)-

Dr. Cadbury Rocher put the possible antidote (which he had created in the form of red wine) into a golden chalice and handed it to the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith (who was now dressed in an even more resplendent red evening dress).

Lilith took the chalice and opened the Greek god Apollo’s lips and poured the red wine antidote (to the poisonous ancient Babylonian grapes) down his throat.

Apollo sputtered and choked and opened his eyes and said, “God, that’s good stuff.”

“He’s alive,” his father Zeus shouted with joy.

. . .

January 6th 2017- It was Sherlock Holmes’ 163rd birthday and Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s beautiful and incredibly sexy great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (who was Sherlock Holmes’ lesser-known twin sister) was dressed in an equally resplendent tight-fitting red leather mini dress and awaiting a European political leader.

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras entered her quarters.

“Alexis,” she smiled at him and addressed him as if he were a naughty schoolboy and she his so-sexy and so strict school teacher, “I have a surprise for you. Well, two surprises actually.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 6th
2017.

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Polonium-210 Will Ruin A Glass of Scotch

October 12, 2016 at 4:12 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

MI-6 Agent Diablos Nocturna was off to his meeting with the Mossad agent called the Controller of the Golem.

They were to meet in a pub in central London to discuss certain geopolitical happenings involving Russia and the Middle East.

When he opened the door to his room, standing there was the Phoenician vampiress Ashtoreth (looking not a day over 30) wearing a lovely pink evening dress.

She bit Diablos on the neck and drew him back into the apartment.

His meeting would be delayed.

, . .

The Controller of the Golem was sitting in the George and Dragon Pub sipping a glass of Scotch and soda.

A red-headed woman in a low-cut black evening dress and carrying a tray of pretzels bent over in front of him showing off her front assets.

“Pretzel, sir?” she smiled a smile flashing her white vampiric incisors.

But the Controller’s eyes were elsewhere, “Don’t mind if I do. I’ve also got a hankering for coconuts for some reason.”

“So does half the city of London,” she continued smiling as she dropped the vial of Polonium-210 in his Scotch and soda.

The Babylonian vampiress Lilith moved her backwards assets in a most delectable fashion as she walked away from the Controller.

The Controller sipped his Scotch and soda, screamed “El Shaddai!” and promptly keeled over.

“You see, Harold,” some constipated looking old bat of a wife nagged her sheepish looking husband a few tables away, “I was right not to let you take a pretzel from that shameless hussy. That could be you lying on the floor right now.”

“A pity it wasn’t,” the henpecked husband thought to himself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 12th
2016

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Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

May 22, 2016 at 5:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Salaman The Magician Magic Show Runs Amok

Salaman The Magician had had a successful run with his magic show in London.

Audiences were raving about it.

Although on this night, the raving was done by Boris Johnson the former Mayor of London and Euro-sceptic Conservative MP who mistook the magician’s sawing his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the Union Jack as an endorsement of an EU superstate over a sovereign United Kingdom.

To settle things down, Salaman The Magician decided to saw his beautiful female assistant in half in a box draped with the European Union flag instead much to the cheers of the pro-Brexit crowd.

After sawing the woman in half and separating the European Union flag draped box, the audience shouted, “Don’t bother putting her back together.”

So the magician’s assistant had to be put together backstage.

Sitting next to Boris Johnson in the audience was the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith.

Lilith had been asked by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to bump off Johnson because the Turkish despot and would be restored Sultan of a revived Ottoman Caliphate was offended by Boris Johnson’s offensive limerick about him that won The Spectator Magazine’s President Erdogan Offensive Poetry Competition.

The plan was for Nimrod (the builder of the Tower of Babel who was now a frog due to a vampiric kiss magic spell gone awry) to hide down the front of Lilith’s lavender coloured evening dress between her cleavage (where Nimrod often liked to be for some reason) and then jump out at an appropriate moment during the performance to ribbit an Amazon River basin poison plant dart out of his mouth in Johnson’s direction.

Unfortunately for Erdogan’s homicidal plans, Nimrod had accidentally purchased a bottle of Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel instead of Amazon River Basin Poison Plant Liquid Gel by mistake at a London chemist shop earlier in the day.

So when Nimrod jumped out from between Lilith’s cleavage as the stage band played Beethoven’s Ode To Joy as Salaman sawed the European Union draped flag box (with beautiful female assistant inside) in half, the ancient prince turned frog fired Bavarian Magic Mushroom Liquid Gel into Johnson’s Adam’s Apple.

Instead of immediately keeling over and dying on the spot (which would have occurred had the fast acting Poison Plant Liquid Gel been used), Johnson instead fell to his knees and said, “Is this a leather skirted dominatrix I see before me?”.

As Johnson babbled about pirate ships under attack by bunny rabbits, Lilith and Nimrod hastily exited the theatre.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 21st
2016.

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