Semiramis At CERN While The Spear of Destiny Goes Missing
Semiramis The Queen of Babylon poses for a photo back in the early 1940s
Semiramis the queen of the City of Babel was standing outside the entrance to the tunnel of the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.
The statue of Shiva the Destroyer outside the tunnel came to life and started dancing with Semiramis.
They danced to the 1st Movement of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata that was being performed by holographic images of Andre Rieu and His Johann Strauss Orchestra.
When the 1st Movement was over, Shiva went back up on top of his pedestal and became a statue again.
Semiramis, on the other hand, still dressed in an elegant evening gown, crawled into the pilot cockpit of an old World War I scarlet Fokker Triplane and flew to Kiev.
“That was my ex-wife,” Nimrod the little green frog mentioned to the cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus as they walked by.
“I know,” Asmodeus lit his 666th cigarette of the day.
Nimrod the little green frog had been Nimrod “the mighty hunter against the Lord” in the Book of Genesis and the builder of the Tower of Babel.
Somehow his body had been found aboard a UFO that had crashed in Arctic Ocean waters just slightly north of Tuktoyaktuk, Northwest Territories, Canada.
His body had been found next to the bodies of dead ET grays.
Nimrod’s body had been taken to DARPA headquarters in the U.S. where it had been dethawed.
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith had flown to DARPA headquarters and stolen Nimrod’s body.
She tried to revive Nimrod by kissing him with a magic potion that she had put on her lips.
Nimrod the prince of Babel had been revived but he had been turned into a little green frog as a result of the faulty magic potion on her lips.
“So what’s happened?” Nimrod asked as he licked a black fly ice cream cone.
“Well there have been four leaks on the Russian Nord stream gas pipelines in the Baltic Sea,” Asmodeus switched over to a vaper because Asclepius the ancient Greek god of medicine had recommended that he cut down on cigarette smoking.
“What caused those leaks?” Nimrod asked.
“Well according to the fallen Archangel Mephistopheles whom I ran into at a cigarette and magazine stand in Rome, the Nazi vampire Dr. Eichmann Mengele who has been the Science and Research Director of the American CIA since 1950 ordered their sabotage,” Asmodeus lit his vaper with his lighter.
“Is he telling the truth?” Nimrod finished his cone.
“It’s hard to tell with fallen angels,” Asmodeus burnt his fingers on the lit end of the vaper.
. . .
The curator of the Hofburg Treasure House in the Hofburg Palace in Vienna Austria had just been informed that the Spear of Destiny aka the Spear of Longinus (the lance said to have pierced the side of Christ) had been stolen.
The Spear of Destiny had been seized by Hitler when he took over the city of Vienna in the Anschluss of March 1938.
In the final days of the Third Reich, it wound up in the hands of the Americans and eventually came into the possession of Gen. George S. Patton who returned it to the Hofburg Museum.
“What nation,” the Hofburg Treasure House curator wondered, “had now stolen the Spear of Destiny?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 29th
2022.
A Cold War Vampire Comes Out From The Cold
Former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who now worked as a scientist for the Russian FSB in Moscow) was visiting the Stasi archives in Moscow.
The Stasi archives had been moved from East Berlin to Moscow shortly after the fall of the Berlin Wall on November 9th 1989.
Among the archives was rumoured to be a secret weapon of the East German Stasi (East Germany’s secret police force) that was to be released upon the world when the time was right.
Last night as Dr. Nicht Werhoffen lay in bed, the ghost of the late East German Communist General-Secretary Erich Honecker (looking well roasted from roasting on a rotating barbeque spit over open flames down in Tartarus for almost 30 years) appeared to him and told him the time had come to release Communist East Germany’s secret weapon upon the world.
Honecker gave Werhoffen the archive file number before the 3-headed dog Cerberus appeared and started nipping at his heels driving him back to Tartarus.
The next day Werhoffen located the file number in the archives and opened a large crate which contained a refrigerator.
Werhoffen opened the refrigerator and inside was a vampire inside a block of ice.
The accompanying note explained the vampire was an East German Stasi agent Ernst Grune who had been turned into a vampire by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith back in early 1989.
Lilith had told Grune that Soviet style Communism must shortly disappear for awhile – roughly 30 years- and then be reborn.
Grune must put himself on ice for the next 30 years and then awaken to embrace the dawn of a new Neo-Bolshevik Neo-Soviet Communism.
“A great reset,” Lilith smiled bearing her sharp glistening vampiric fangs just as she was about to close the refrigerator door.
“May I quote you on that?” Grune asked just as she slammed the refrigerator door down.
Ernst Grune never had the chance to quote Lilith on that but Klaus Schwab, George Soros, Pope Francis, Joe Biden and Justin Trudeau certainly did.
Werhoffen melted the ice containing Grune.
The ghost of Mao Tse-tung then appeared and gave Grune his instructions.
Grune stared at Mao with a stupefied look on his face.
The ghost of Mao’s translator then showed up (he had stopped off to take a walk through Gorky Park) and a clearly irritated Mao repeated his instructions while his translator translated from Chinese to German.
Ernst Grune was to go to Washington DC and instruct the Neo-Bolshevik Communists in the FBI and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security on surveillance and interrogation techniques fit for a Communist society.
“All right,” said Grune, “I can do that.”
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith: Turned East German Stasi operative Ernst Grune into a vampire.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 16th
2021.
Theodora vs. Lilith: Armenia-Azerbaijan Conflict
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora and the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith have been involved in their own personal conflict for the past 20 years.
Now that personal conflict has been extended to the former Soviet republics of Armenia and Azerbaijan over the territory of Nagorno-Karabakh.
Earlier today the conflict re-erupted with the heaviest clashes in years.
Today’s fighting involved the use of tanks and other forms of heavy weaponry.
Armenia and Azerbaijan have been fighting for control of the territory since the USSR was dissolved back in 1991.
A ceasefire was agreed in 1994 although there has been sporadic fighting on and off since then.
Though nothing compared to today’s exchange of heavy weapons fire.
Nagorno-Karabakh was an autonomous region within the old Soviet republic of Azerbaijan but the majority of the territory’s population is ethnic Armenian.
When Armenia and Azerbaijan became independent republics, the territory’s Armenians wanted the region to become part of Armenia.
A war was fought leading to one million people being displaced and 30,000 killed.
A stalemate has presided since the 1994 ceasefire.
This past summer Turkey’s increasingly megalomaniacal President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (who fancies himself the new Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire) had been encouraging Azerbaijan in its efforts to take back Nagorno-Karabakh.
Erdogan’s support emboldened Azerbaijan.
Armenia’s defence ministry said Azerbaijani forces launched an attack on civilian settlements including the regional capital of Stepanakert this morning.
Armenia’s government declared total military mobilization of its forces.
Armenian Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan warned that the region was on the brink of a large scale war.
In the basement of his house in Wilmington Delaware, senility prone Joe Biden asked his marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant Sweet Dementia, “How will World War III affect my chances of getting elected President of the United States?” before falling fast asleep into his bowl of Kellogg’s Fruit Loops.
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora hoped to get rid of Erdogan and restore the Byzantine Empire with Constantinople (Istanbul) as its capital.
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith meanwhile was hoping to get Turkey’s Erdogan on board with launching an attack on the State of Israel (Lilith believed that the Jewish people had maligned and libeled her good name in the Babylonian Talmud and so was out for revenge).
Theodora spent much of the past summer beating up Erdogan for turning Byzantine Orthodox Christian churches and monasteries into Islamic mosques.
Lilith spent much of the past summer giving Erdogan blow jobs so that he’d be orally pleasured into attacking Israel.
Since Erdogan backed Azerbaijan in the Nagorno-Karabakh conflict, Lilith did the same.
And since Erdogan backed Azerbaijan in the Nagorno-Karabakh conflict, Theodora backed Armenia.
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora (wearing Dr. Cadbury Rocher developed sunscreen for vampiresses) in Constantinople: She backs the Armenians.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 27th
2020.
The Controller of The Golem In Prague
The Controller of The Golem In Prague
The Mossad agent code named the Controller of The Golem stood on the Charles Bridge in Prague the capital of the Czech Republic.
The Charles Bridge had been built back in 1357 by Charles IV the King of Bohemia and the Holy Roman Emperor.
The Controller was to meet in a rendezvous with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
Back on February 19th of this year, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith while wearing a Karl Lagerfeld evening gown had, with the help of a hypnotized Count Dracula, stolen the inanimate body of the Golem of Prague from the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue.
The inanimate body of the Golem of Prague was being held for ransom on the vampiress Lilith’s heavily guarded country estate outside Astana Kazakhstan.
Earlier today however Lilith had sent an encrypted coded message to the Controller of the Golem saying that she would return the Golem’s inanimate body to him tonight on the Charles Bridge in Prague with no questions asked.
The Controller naturally expected a trap which was why he was wearing a bullet proof vest as he walked across the bridge.
It was then that the Controller recognized a large centaur walking at an easy pace across the bridge.
The Controller of the Golem recognized the centaur as Acheronus a centaur who came from Acheron the River of Woe in the Underworld of Hades.
An eccentric Interpol friend of the Controller- Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol- had sent the Mossad agent a picture of the equine-homo sapien hybrid beast from Hades earlier this year.
The Controller did not pay much attention to the Centaur as Acheronus was mainly known for shooting and killing climate change deniers, people who pollute the environment and U.S. country club Republicans with his poisonous bows and arrows.
Imagine the Controller’s surprise therefore when a poisoned arrow came right through his bullet proof vest (which wasn’t arrow proof).
The Controller of the Golem collapsed at the foot of the Crucifix on the Charles Bridge in Prague.
. . .
The Mossad agent code named Star of Azazel received a text message from Hephaestus the blacksmith of the Greek gods.
Hephaestus who was currently working on a pair of horse shoes for Acheronus the Centaur informed Star of Azazel that the centaur assassin’s mission seemed to be a success.
Star of Azazel (who knew the codes for supposedly encrypted messages from the vampiress Lilith to Mossad) smiled.
His fellow agent the Controller of the Golem could have been a major pain in the ass in this matter of the mysterious death of Jeffrey Epstein.
. . .
The Controller of The Golem raised his head above the pavement and looked up at the figure of Christ on the Crucifix.
The Controller found it ironic that Acheronus would shoot at him so that he would fall at this particular spot.
“Maybe you really are The Lord after all, Yeshua,” the Controller said thinking about his grandmother.
His grandmother had converted to Christianity before she died and so was considered the black sheep of the family.
Just before he left his Prague hotel room for his supposed meeting with Lilith on the Charles Bridge, a pterodactyl drone (invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher) had tapped his robotic reptilian beak and robotic reptilian claws on his hotel room window.
When he opened the window, the pterodactyl drone presented him with a handwritten note from his friend Dr. Cadbury Rocher as well as a package containing a vest.
The note from Dr. Rocher read, “Please wear this poisoned arrow proof vest under your bullet proof vest for your meeting on the Charles Bridge tonight. Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster recommends it as he just received a vision of treachery and skulduggery.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 19th
2019.
Vampiress Lilith Discusses 5G and AI With The Demon Asmodeus At Astana Kazakhstan
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith on her estate near the Kazakhstan capital of Astana
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was standing in the middle of a forest path near her estate waiting for her ally the demon Asmodeus to show up.
Asmodeus showed up with 10 cigarettes in his mouth, a can of Budweiser beer in his left hand and a copy of The Times of London in his right hand.
“Read anything interesting in The Times of London?” Lilith asked as she picked a serpent off an apple tree.
“Well,” Asmodeus sipped Budweiser and belched, “I see British MP Renfield R. Renfield wrote an article examining Huawei and U.S.-China and Canadian-Chinese relations.”
Lilith bit the serpent’s neck with her vampiric incisors and then proceeded to eat it whole.
“Renfield notes that the Chinese government just cancelled over a billion dollars worth of canola exports from the western Canadian province of Manitoba,” Asmodeus read from the Times editorial page as he spilled beer and cigarette ash all over himself, “Renfield says this is all in retaliation for the Canadian government’s arrest and detention of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.”
“Of course it is,” Lilith removed some dental floss attached to her thong and used it to floss snake skin from between her teeth and gums.
The little green frog Nimrod (the resurrected king of Babel and mighty hunter against the Lord who found himself turned into a frog as a result of an unfortunate incident some years back) walked into a tree and knocked himself out when he saw Lilith reach all the way down the low-cut top front of her dress to her thong to get the dental floss.
“What Justin Trudeau and the Canadian government fail to realize is that the conflict between the U.S. and China over Huawei is over what country will be the first to implement the Mark of the Beast system that the Apostle John foresaw on the island of Patmos and mentioned in Chapter 13 of The Apocalypse or Book of Revelation,” Lilith smoothed the front of her dress, “The 5G network is the Internet of Things network that will be used to implement the Mark of The Beast system. Just like developments in AI will bring to fruition the Image of The Beast so 5G will bring the Mark of the Beast to fruition.”
“I never read the Book of Revelation,” Asmodeus coughed a heavy smokers’ cough, “of course I had been bound and imprisoned in Upper Egypt by the Archangel Raphael for the longest period of time.”
“That bastard Raphael,” Lilith’s face turned as fiery as the recent electrical storms over the state of California, “bound and imprisoned my son Azazel (that I had after relations with the fallen angel and Watcher Semjaza) in the desert at Dudael which is east of Jerusalem.”
“China I believe is about 20 years ahead of developing 5G than the U.S. is, isn’t it?” Asmodeus said as he opened a Chinese fortune cookie and read his fortune.
“It is,” Lilith nodded, “when the U.S. finally figured it out and Donald Trump got his toupee caught in a Venus flytrap, then the word went forth from that time and place for the toppling of Huawei. And Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou was on the U.S. government hit list. And Justin Trudeau’s Canada did the dirty work and was left holding the bag.”
“So China is #1 when it comes to the Internet then?” Asmodeus took out his tablet.
“Actually Israel is ahead of China when it comes to the Internet, 5G and AI,” Lilith answered.
“Israel?” Asmodeus swallowed all 10 of his cigarettes in surprise.
“Yes,” Lilith nodded, “For the past dozen years, Israel has quietly become number one in the world when it comes to Internet technology, Internet security, cyberwarfare, 5G and AI. That’s why Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman is seeking an alliance with Israel. If he wants his new economic autonomous zone and technological research and development super city state of NEOM (to be built over the site where Moses received the 10 Commandments from Yahweh) to succeed, he’ll need Israeli expertise and know-how. Thanks to Israeli agencies like Talpiot which is sort of an Israeli equivalent of DARPA, the Rand Institute think tank and the Green Beret Special Forces combined and Unit 8200 of the Israeli Intelligence Corps., Israel leads the way in Third Wave Information Age technology.”
“Then maybe Israel will bring forth the Mark and the Image of the Beast,” Asmodeus suggested as he ate a kosher corned beef sandwich.
“Well according to some kabbalistic groups in Israel, the Messiah is supposed to arrive on the Festival of Purim this year which falls on March 20th to 21st the same time as the Spring equinox in the northern hemisphere,” Lilith pointed out, “and if the Kabbalistic Messiah is the Antichrist of Christian eschatology, the Mark and Image of the Beast system will be ready to go.”
“Hello,” Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing arrived on the scene carrying a personal handwritten message from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to Lilith asking for the release of the Golem of Prague whom the vampiress had recently abducted, “does anyone here know the closest place where I might be able to get some dental floss?”.
Lilith reached down her dress.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 7th
2019.
What occult secrets is the vampiress Lilith hiding under her dress?
The Golem of Prague Has Gone Missing
DARPA Contract Assassiness and Renfield associate Panty Goatee in Prague on the lookout for the Golem of Prague
“The Golem of Prague has gone missing, gentlemen,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield announced somewhat somberly over his rum and coke to the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill.
“Mazel tov,” exclaimed Orson Welles’ ghost inappropriately and somewhat less soberly over his spectral bottle of Mogen David wine.
“Gazooks!” Churchill’s ghost put down his spectral lox and cream cheese bagel.
“Yes, I just got a text message from the Controller of The Golem,” Renfield referred to the Israeli Mossad Agent who went by that code name, “The Golem of Prague went missing last night from the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue when the cantor punched in his invisible co-ordinates on his mobile phone to see if the Golem was still present albeit invisibly.”
“Holy contradiction in terms, Batman,” Churchill’s ghost remarked in somewhat Robinesque fashion, “how did that happen?”.
“Well according to video surveillance footage,” Renfield looked at the footage on his Huawei smart phone, “the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and the Transylvanian Count Dracula (who appeared to be in a hypnotic state) flew into the attic and minutes later were seen carrying out a very visible Golem. The video has been shared 666 million times on social media because during the Golem heist, the vampiress Lilith was wearing the last evening dress that House of Chanel Creative Fashion Director Karl Lagerfeld (September 10th 1933 – February 19th 2019) who died earlier today had ever designed.”
“Lilith was wearing a Karl Lagerfeld evening gown when she stole the Golem?” Welles’ ghost dropped his cigar in incredulity.
“Say what you will about Lilith,” Renfield poured himself a glass of Glenlivet Single Malt Whisky, “The vampiress does have impeccable good taste.”
“But how was she able to access the code for the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue?” Churchill’s ghost bit deep into his spectral cigar spilling ectoplasmic ash all over his spirited spiritly suit, “only the Controller of the Golem and his designated successor within Mossad know the complicated access code which is to be found in the world’s only Jewish Chinese abacus the whereabouts in Israel that only the Controller and his successor know. Such has always been the case since the state of Israel was created back in 1948.”
“I don’t know how the code was cracked,” Renfield cracked himself a walnut as Donald Trump appeared on his smart phone extolling the virtues of building a wall.
. . .
“It was pure luck,” the somewhat inebriated Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth (son of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia when she was still a virgin although she was helped in terms of genetic manipulation and cloning techniques by the immortal Egyptian priest-scientist Imhotep) told Stephen Colbert the host of the Late Show, “I really didn’t know how to crack the code. But after drinking 200 pints of Guinness, ask me to do anything and I’ll probably do it. Which explains how I wound up face down in the gutter in front of the Apostolic home of the recently defrocked former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick back when he was still Archbishop of Washington DC. I woke up with an awfully sore rectum I do recall.”
“And did Lilith actually wear the last evening gown that Karl Lagerfeld ever designed before he died when she abducted the Golem of Prague?” Colbert asked.
“That she did,” Yaldabaoth nodded as he helped himself to a can of Samuel Adams GOAT Beer and then tossed it aside when he noticed his half-brother’s picture on it, “a Karl Lagerfeld evening dress, red silk nylons and blue spiked stiletto high heeled shoes. I myself wore a pair of green silk tights and a denim mini skirt that I had bought from Old Navy.”
“Are you trying to copy my transsexual transgendered habits?” Yaldabaoth’s younger brother/sister the Baphomet (the male/female human goat demon hybrid that was the son/daughter of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia after she had made out with the Greek nature satyr god Pan) lunged at him from the audience.
“We appear to have a fight going on between a transgendered human goat demon hybrid and an Irish leprechaun,” Colbert informed his audience.
Meanwhile backstage the Nazi SS vampiress Helga Electrafreudenbund awaited to talk to Yaldabaoth.
She had failed in her own mission to destroy the Golem back during World War II.
She had ended up being strangled by the Golem of Prague but was brought back to life by Dr. Josef Mengele and then turned into a vampiress by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
. . .
“The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith is behind much of the anti-Semitism currently happening in Britain and France,” Renfield explained to Welles and Churchill, “Vengeance for what she said was the defamation and libel of her good name in The Babylonian Talmud.”
“What about the current anti-Semitism in the Labour Party?” Churchill asked.
“I’ll have to ask my good friend Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger,” Renfield replied, “formerly of the Labour Party but left yesterday with 6 other former Labour MPs to form the Independent Group.”
Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger in much happier times last summer.
Getting her picture taken by fellow MP Renfield R. Renfield as he did his impersonation of Groucho Marx smoking a cigar and doing his hybrid duck/penguin walk.
-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 19th
2019.
R.I.P. Karl Lagerfeld
September 10th 1933
to
February 19th 2019.
Naomi Campbell wearing an outfit designed by Karl Lagerfeld
Cardi B. and The Time Traveller: A Poem
Singer Cardi B. flees Lancaster Hall in England in 1888 leaving behind a giant sized shoe.
“So you really expect me to believe you’re a time traveller from the year 2019?” Consulting detective Sherlock Holmes asked somewhat skeptically.
“Whether you believe it or not, it is true,” replied Dracul Van Helsing who had recently seen Achilles slay his enemy in a manner most Hectorly.
“I have worked on stranger cases,” Holmes admitted.
He looked at Dracul wondering if he should have him committed.
“And what do you mean by a hip hop singer?” Holmes looked as though he’d been through the ringer.
“Do not worry about musical terms from the future,” said Dracul, “rather worry about Cardi B. whom Vampiress Lilith wants to goose her.”
“May I ask why?” Holmes looked up at the dark sky.
“It has to do with Solomon and the Queen of Sheba,” Dracul stated in the midst of an atmospheric upheava.
Holmes looked confused, the coachman looked bemused and the estate cat looked amused.
“It has to do with Cardi B.’s real name,” Dracul played with an open window pane.
“Which is,” Van Helsing went on, “Belcalls Almanzar. Watch out for that falling star…
Holmes quickly jumped out of the way.
And the star landed in some hay.
Much to a hungry horse’s dismay.
His dinner went up in a blaze of smoke.
All that’s left- a solitary artichoke.
The horse ate the artichoke as Dracul continued his story,
“Lilith’s dealings with Solomon- somewhat gory…”
“But what does this have to do with Cardi B.?” Holmes lit his pipe under a tree.
“Her real name,” a soft breeze came, “Belcalls refers to the Queen of Sheba and Almanzar means watchtower. Watch that flower..”
Holmes avoided stepping on the Lancaster Hall estate’s red rose as the cat pranced about on tippy toes.
“So Lilith thinks Cardi B. is the watchtower of the Queen of Sheba,” Dracul went on, “so vampiress wreaks vengeance on Solomon by killing this singing diva.”
A scream went through the air as the terror that flies by night lost her shoes while Sherlock looked in the garden for more clues.
Cardi ran off after the terror by night while Lilith’s shoe glittered in the lamplight.
The next day, Cardi rode a white horse into the countryside
where horse and rider gave each other quite the ride.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 7th
2019.
Vampiress Lilith and Satyr Bagpiper Pan Deux At Robbie Burns Day Dinner In Jerusalem
It was Robbie Burns Day and William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the British Deputy Consul at the British Consulate in West Jerusalem was hosting a Robbie Burns party in his West Jerusalem home.
William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas had been the Scottish Nationalist Party (SNP) MSP (Member of the Scottish Parliament) for the Eildon Hills and the Intergovernmental Affairs Minister for Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond’s Scottish Parliamentary government prior to the September 18th 2014 Scottish independence referendum which the pro-independence side had lost.
To show there were no hard feelings after the referendum, then British Prime Minister David Cameron had named William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas (who had been slated to become the first Foreign Minister for an independent Scotland) the British Deputy Consul in West Jerusalem.
So he and his Indian born wife Sangita Patel Douglas had moved to West Jerusalem along with their official family bagpiper the tartan kilt wearing hairy goat legged genetically created satyr bagpiper Pan Deux.
Pan Deux was the genetically created younger brother of world famous satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee.
Both satyrs had been genetically created in a lab by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
Pan Deux since he was not injected with the DNA of the homicidal Siberian yeti (like his brother Pan Goatee was) but rather the more people friendly Himalayan yeti (Dr. Cadbury Rocher had used yeti DNA to make their legs furry and hairy as modern goat DNA didn’t seem to cut it), he wasn’t as homicidally inclined as his older cloned brother satyr was.
And in that respect Pan Deux wasn’t as malevolent as his older brother Pan Goatee was.
Although music lovers might disagree as most of the world’s music critics found Pan Deux’s bagpipe playing to be horrendous.
One music critic for The Jerusalem Post had in fact written that singer-songwriter Don McClean had had a prophetic vision of Pan Deux’s bagpipe playing the day he wrote the American Pie song lyrics “The day the music died…”
And the Mossad agent they called The Controller of The Golem had become personal friends with Mr. William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas and his wife Mrs. Sangita Patel Douglas since they had arrived in Jerusalem a few years ago so he had been invited to the couple’s Robbie Burns party on this Friday night.
No doubt his rabbi wouldn’t be pleased to see him missing at this evening’s synagogue service but then eating haggis was a once in a lifetime experience.
And speaking of once in a lifetime culinary experiences, the Mossad agent’s White House source (let’s call him… Jared Kushner… in Jerry Seinfeldian fashion) had informed the Controller of The Golem that the reason why Donald Trump had caved in to Nancy Pelosi on the government funding issue was because last night the Donald had dreamed that he had died after eating 94 plates of lutefisk.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the Donald had dreamed that he had been thrown into Hell after dying.
The Donald had angrily cried after being thrown toupee head downwards into the flames of Hell by the Archangels Michael and Raphael, “Who does this Jesus Christ guy think he is anyways? Telling me that I can go to Hell like that? God Incarnate or something?”.
The Controller of The Golem had also found out that Nancy Pelosi (namely because the Mossad had placed a camera and listening devices into the Congresswoman’s vibrator which she carried either in her purse or on her person at all times) the House of Representatives’ chief practicing witch had offered a sacrifice of frogs’ legs (done in a Buffalo barbeque style) to a statue of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft in thanksgiving to Donald Trump caving in to her.
Silly Nancy was totally unaware that the Donald had sent the ghost of the insane Roman Emperor Nero as an incubus to appear to her and offer her a better bang for her buck than her long suffering vibrator.
And speaking of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft, the Controller of The Golem had recently found out that Hecate had been beheaded a few years back when she had foolishly walked down the street in her ugly looking crone form at the same time that Pan Goatee was walking down the street.
Hecate’s skull was currently being kept in the High Altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica at the Vatican (on Pope Francis’ orders) as the unknown relic to be venerated.
The Controller of The Golem’s date for the Robbie Burns dinner at the Douglas home was the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who was wearing a lovely low-cut purple evening dress boldly advertising a nice pair of knockers that most of the male guests present at the dinner couldn’t keep their eyes off of.
A few years ago, Lilith had attempted to poison the Controller of The Golem by dropping a vial of Polonium-210 into his glass of Scotch while he was sitting in a pub in London, England.
The poisoning had worked because the Controller of The Golem had croaked (like the poor frog who was the subject of Nancy Pelosi’s Congressional Wiccan dissection sacrifice to Hecate).
Fortunately for the Controller of The Golem, Dr. Cadbury Rocher had brought him back from the dead.
But the Controller of The Golem was now willing to let bygones be bygones as far as Lilith was concerned.
He had run into the vampiress last night when she was skiing downhill on the southern slopes of Mount Hermon (the mountain where the angelic Watchers of Genesis Chapter 6 had landed millenia ago) in the Israeli controlled Golan Heights.
She had been skiing down the slopes while wearing a slit skirted jade green evening dress, very attractive tan pantyhose and spiked stiletto high heeled shoes.
The Controller of The Golem promptly asked her out for a date on the spot.
And the date was to attend tonight’s ritual slaughter of the haggis in the Douglas dining room in that ancient Robbie Burns Day dinner ritual known as the Presentation of the Haggis.
And now the haggis was being piped in on a silver platter in the dining room by the tartan kilt wearing hairy goat legged genetically created satyr bagpiper Pan Deux for the presentation of the haggis at this year’s Robbie Burns dinner.
William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas then spoke the Address To A Haggis written by Robbie Burns before sacrificing the haggis with a ceremonial knife.
Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander who was covering the West Jerusalem Robbie Burns dinner as a news correspondent for The Times of London winced when he saw the knife come down on the haggis.
Sangita Patel Douglas stood ready with a bowl of her delicious home made curry to pour on the haggis as most of those present didn’t really relish the idea of eating sheep’s guts on its own.
Pan Deux after playing the Piping In Of The Haggis on his bagpipes then played Some Enchanted Evening from the musical South Pacific on his bagpipes.
Lilith accidentally dropped a fork down the front of her evening dress and at least a dozen of the male guests present offered their assistance.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Robbie Burns Day
Friday January 25th
2019.
As a Robbie Burns Day dinner was held at the Douglas home in West Jerusalem, the Romanian vampiress dominatrix Ravenella Vampyrex stands ready to tomato the buns of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman in a special ceremony to welcome in the world’s new Messiah.
At the same time, the Transylvanian Count Dracula was struck off his Google built AI robotic camel on the road to Damascus by a blinding light identifying itself as the Antichrist but added that Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle were advising the Count not to fear it.
Michelangelo Names The Winners of The 2018 U.S. Midterms
“It was 50 years ago today that Richard M. Nixon was elected President of the United States,” Amadeus Emanon read aloud from the This Day In History column.
“One thing I always liked about Nixon,” Renfield remarked as he fed his goldfish called Checkers that a voter had given him, “is his insightful analysis in his statement, “That whole Bohemian Grove thing is the faggiest god damned thing you can imagine. I never shake hands with anybody who comes from San Francisco anymore.” And as a result of Nixon’s advice, I’ve never ever shaken hands with anybody who comes from San Francisco.”
“Well, that would certainly prevent you from picking up any Nancy Pelosi girl fleas,” Amadeus noted.
“Or dog fleas either,” Renfield rubbed the fur of the Set household’s pet cat Nefertiti Galore.
“Wasn’t the Bohemian Grove the place where Henry Kissinger went running around nude in the woods?” Amadeus asked.
“Yes and a bunch of California redwood trees have been treated for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder ever since,” Renfield remarked as he received a nude photo text message from Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh that had just the opposite effect that Kissinger had on the trees.
As both the goldfish Checkers and the cat Nefertiti Galore went into their respective states of shock upon seeing Renfield’s bulging erection, Amadeus remarked, “I see the psychic lobster Michelangelo has named the winners of tomorrow’s U.S. midterm elections.”
Amadeus had just received a text message from Dr. Cadbury Rocher down at the Set Enterprises lab.
“And who will the winners be?” asked Renfield who being genetically created in a lab had no mother to warn him about what physical activities might cause blindness.
Amadeus putting on a pair of welder’s dark glasses replied, “It was rather strange. Michelangelo in rather vague Delphi oracle like terms said “Both Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders will come out the winners.”
“Maybe what that means,” Renfield ejaculated both wisdom and a more physical substance, “is that the Republicans will maintain control of the House or the Senate or both while of those Democrats who are elected, a great many of them will support Bernie Sanders for the Democratic Presidential Nomination in 2020.”
“You might have something there,” Amadeus admitted.
“What I need right now,” Renfield stumbled around, “is the phone number for the nearest optometrist. I feel the need to book an appointment.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 5th
2018.
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith in a poster warning about the hazards of snow blindness.
Apple, Pomegranate… Or Me?
Apple, Pomegranate… Or Me?
Three rabbis walked into a bar.
After having been in the next door delicatessen where they had bought kosher smoked meat and kosher rye bread to make sandwiches.
The three were having a violent argument.
One rabbi argued that the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden was an apple 🍎 since the logo on his Mac computer told him so.
Another rabbi argued that the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden was in fact a pomegranate since his knowledge of the location of the Garden of Eden and knowledge of Middle Eastern history and geography and botany told him so.
The third rabbi argued that it might have been a tomato 🍅 or a banana 🍌 since his leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes and a conversation with a Muslim imam had alerted him to those possibilities.
The bartender insisted that it was a watermelon 🍉 since he owned a watermelon stand in addition to his kosher tavern business.
A hairstylist named Samson insisted that it was an avocado 🥑 since the Twitterer-In-Chief’s red spider monkey fake news hairpiece toupee had told him so.
The long-haired Samson then threw the three rabbis out of the bar and headed off to sleep with his girlfriend Delilah (a fellow hairstylist) for the night prior to having a wrestling match against Dwayne The Rock Johnson tomorrow.
Little did Samson realize that his girlfriend Delilah had placed a $500,000 bet with a Las Vegas bookie for the Rock to win.
Otherwise he might not have been so anxious to go to her place.
He arrived in her bedroom where Delilah had the betting paper 📝 with the name of the Rock on it next to a pair of scissors ✂️ on her drawer.
It was all there.
Paper. Rock. Scissors.
But sadly for him, he didn’t notice.
. . .
Eve woke up.
The blonde beauty in her black nightie mini dress had had a disturbing dream.
But for the life of her, she couldn’t remember what it was.
She thought she saw some sort of reflection in her bedroom mirror.
So she walked over for a closer look.
It was then she encountered the following (what she had dreamed about earlier):
Rose or fruit?
. . .
Multitudes of millennia earlier, another Eve awakened.
The Eve who was the mother of us all.
The Eve who had eaten the Forbidden Fruit and therefore knew what fruit 🍉 🍎 🍌 🍅 it was.
The Eve who along with her husband Adam had been expelled from the Garden of Eden.
The Eve who had been seduced by Lucifer with his serpent like wiles.
And the Phoenix (possessed by Lucifer with its beautiful multicoloured feathers and wings) was turned into a slithering snake 🐍 forced to crawl on its belly.
The Phoenix with its beautiful colours and wings and feathers would live on in the memories of the Far East with that region’s accounts of the beautiful colourful winged dragons 🐉 that were in fact beneficent in character.
The snake (formerly the Phoenix) would live on in the memories of the Western world as the dragons of fierce countenance who were malevolent in character.
Eve awoke.
She who had given birth to Cain and Abel.
And now one son Cain had slain the other Abel.
Eve wept.
“Eve,” a voice spoke.
It was her husband Adam.
She looked at him.
He looked different.
“Come know me,” his hands reached out to her.
She approached him.
She did not bother to notice the strange sinister red glow in his eyes.
And so Eve once again came to know her “husband Adam”.
But really she had once again come to know the “Voice behind the forbidden fruit”.
Eve gave birth to Lilith 9 months later.
Eventually Eve would come to know her actual husband Adam again and give birth to Seth.
But before Seth she had given birth to Lilith.
Lilith.
Daughter of Eve.
Lilith.
Daughter of Lucifer.
Lilith.
The world’s first vampiress.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 18th
2018.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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