Renfield Discusses Day of Fires

April 20, 2019 at 8:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield MP was having a Saturday night dinner with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

Renfield mentioned, “So, I just found out last night that there was a fire at the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem at the exact same time as the fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.”

“I didn’t know that,” Amadeus stopped in the middle of eating his salmon.

“It received almost no news coverage in the world on that day other than in the Middle East,” Renfield explained.

“What a strange coincidence that was,” Angelique reflected, “that two major centers of worship- Notre Dame in Paris and the al-Aqsa in Jerusalem would both have fires that same day.”

“Was Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s escaped basilisk responsible for the fire at the al-Aqsa mosque as well as that at Notre Dame?” Amadeus asked.

“Well, Dr. Rocher had implanted a GPS signal in the basilisk’s DNA so he’d know its location- technology which both the Chinese government and the U.S. government are currently fighting to develop so they can be the first to implement the Mark of the Beast system that no human being will be able to buy or sell without the Mark of the Beast in their DNA,” Renfield mentioned, “the GPS in Basilisk Wrathsbone’s DNA was picked up by sensors in the lobster claws of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster. Apparently the basilisk was nowhere near the al-Aqsa mosque at the time the fire started like it was at the exact location of Notre Dame when that fire started.”

“So I wonder who started the fire at the al-Aqsa mosque?” Angelique pondered aloud.

. . .

The commander of the Vampiric Knights-Templar Sir Boyle of Olay was speaking to Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

“Our efforts to burn down the al-Aqsa mosque this past Monday were sadly put to nought,” Sir Boyle of Olay commented, “the fire was finally brought under control. So we will have to wait a wee bit longer for the Temple of Solomon to be rebuilt. Even though most of Israel’s leading kabbalistic rabbis are sick of waiting.”

“It will take a while longer then for the god Baal to get his statue back up on the Temple Mount like it was when Solomon succumbed to the foreign influences of some of his 700 wives and 300 concubines and started erecting statues of his wives’ and concubines’ deities in the Temple,” Allatallahbell looked unhappy.

“We should never have brought the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow along on our mission,” Sir Boyle of Olay sighed, “He went and lost his head again. And as a result picked up bottles of coconut milk instead of cannisters of gasoline down at the Old City market. So we didn’t have enough fuel to start a real raging inferno.”

. . .

Today’s date.

Holy Saturday.

The Nazi vampire Franz Kohler of the SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau lit a cigarette.

April 20th.

Der Fuhrer’s birthday.

It had been a Holy Saturday as well – April 20th- in the year 1889- when Der Fuhrer had been born.

Now exactly 130 years later- Der Fuhrer’s birthday – was a Holy Saturday again.

Fires at Notre Dame in Paris and the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem earlier in the week- both on the same day of Holy Week.

This was surely a sign from the Cosmos that there was something providential about this particular Holy Saturday as well.

Kohler’s cigarette went out.

He lit it again as the voice of a wolf howled on one hill.

And the voice of a jackal howled on the other.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 20th
2019.


Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal:
Waiting in time for the rebuilt Temple of Solomon

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Allatallahbel and The Memorial Mass For Godfried Cardinal Danneels of Belgium

March 19, 2019 at 10:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )


The Vampiress Allatallahbel dressed for a memorial Mass for Cardinal Godfried Danneels of Belgium

In the midst of all the chaotic debate going on over Brexit, MP Renfield R. Renfield stood in the British House of Commons to make a statement, “Last week, Godfried Cardinal Danneels the Cardinal Archbishop of Belgium kicked the bucket. His Eminence, as he liked to be called, was best known for telling the nephew of a perverted Belgian bishop who had sexually assaulted the boy to drop the charges and forget all about it. He was also a member of the St. Gallen Mafia which helped elect the apostate Pope Francis. Hopefully they’ll remember to bury him face downwards so he can see where he’s going.”

Renfield sat down again.

The remarks Pope Francis spoke in the homily at the memorial Mass for Godfried Cardinal Danneels in the Vatican which Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal attended were somewhat different in tone from those expressed by Renfield.


Allatallahbel: She had come to hear Pope Francis praise Godfried Cardinal Danneels not bury him face downwards like Renfield would have done.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 19th
2019.

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Lepardia Marango Plans To Save Renfield’s Life While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Groundhog For Groundhog Day

February 2, 2019 at 11:52 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mythology, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London in a Film Noir genre style photo shoot with the ghost of classic filmmaker Orson Welles

Lepardia Marango was officially the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.

Unofficially she was a spy for the foreign branch of South Africa's intelligence service.

Today she was being a model for the ghost of Orson Welles who was doing a Film Noir genre style photo shoot using colour film photography.

Most of the great Film Noir movies of the 1940s and 1950s were shot in black and white although a few were shot in colour.

The 1982 film Blade Runner which could be seen as a Film Noir movie, classic 1940s style detective tale and futuristic sci-fi thriller combined in one was shot in colour.

As was the 1997 film L.A. Confidential (which was sort of a combination Film Noir genre style movie and classic early 1950s style crime police drama) shot in colour.

Now Welles' ghost was trying his spectral hand at shooting a Film Noir himself in colour.

Welles had recently been in Chicago caught in the polar vortex snow storm from Hell that had been caused by the Norse goddess called Hel.

But he got tired of being a spectator at tantric sex encounters where Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was busy making out with various vampiresses, goddesses and women mystics.

So Welles returned to his current earthly home in London, England (Welles had been granted dispensational leave from Purgatory by Hades and Persephone the rulers of the Underworld in order to be able to serve as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill).

When the photo shoot was over, Lepardia Marango returned to her apartment.

While there, she received a text message from the South African cultural attache in Moscow (who was also a spy for the foreign branch of South Africa's intelligence service).

Apparently the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva was in London where she was planning to assasinate British MP Renfield R. Renfield at a darts tournament at the Clytemnestra's Revenge and Agamemnon's Bathtub Pub and Beef House in London.

The plot had been arranged by Russia's Vladimir Putin, Turkey's Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Pakistan's Imran Khan (whom Renfield had threatened to blow his testicles off with a .44 Magnum unless Asia Bibi was allowed to leave Pakistan) and Svetlana had been selected to carry it out.

Lepardia entered the pub where she shouted "Stop!" causing Renfield to miss his shot and lose the tournament but saving his life.

. . .

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo was in upstate New York where he would be sacrificing a live groundhog to show the world what a kind and compassionate person he was.

Joining him in the furry little weather prognosticator's sacrifice was Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam who mercifully was wearing a paper bag over his head so no one would recognize him now that his racist Ku Klux Klan college photo from 1984 had gone viral.

The groundhog was sacrificed in front of a statue of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.

Hecate: To whose statue the poor little groundhog was sacrificed

After the sacrifice, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo received a text message from Pope Francis where the pontiff bestowed on the leading Democratic Party politician a special apostolic blessing.

Not far from the Bishop of Rome stood Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal who, along with the Vampiric Knights-Templar and the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, had taken over the Vatican back on October 13th 2017.

Allatallahbel the vampiress priestess of Baal who had recently dyed her hair red in honour of the recent Super Blood Wolf Moon.

"Well," Allatallahbel laughed, "It doesn't look like Vitae (which was the name of the little groundhog in Sleepy Hollow in upstate New York- editor's note) will be around to enjoy either a late spring or an early spring."

. . .


The Austro-Croatian mystic Maria Orsic calls out to Dracul Van Helsing in her hotel room in the Mysterious Goddess Hotel in Chicago,
"Once more for new time's sake please, Mr. Van Helsing."

. . .

Meanwhile in Nairobi Kenya, the Kenyan vampire huntress Megan Shimbiro had been informed that the Nazi vampire Franz Kohler undead and very very very late of the Ahnenerbe Nazi SS Occult Bureau was up to some sort of nefarious activity in Kenya.


The Kenyan vampire huntress Megan Shimbiro on the lookout for the Nazi vampire Franz Kohler of the Ahnenerbe Nazi SS Occult Bureau.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 2nd
2019.

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Goatee Slays Uglos, Renfield Poisons Apples and Allatallahbel Desolates The Vatican

December 27, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee had been in a good mood on Christmas Day because he hadn’t encountered any repulsively ugly women.

He wasn’t in such a good mood yesterday because some ugly woman tried to ride alongside him on a escalator so he promptly beheaded the bitch.

Then it turned out that the grocery stores in his neighbourhood were closed for boxing day so he wasn’t able to buy any groceries.

Today wasn’t such a good day either because when he went to pick up his subsidized transit pass (Goatee got a subsidized low-income transit pass for medical reasons since his doctor had certified him as homicidally insane and therefore this made him eligible for medical benefits such as a low-income transit pass), he discovered that his photo id had expired.

The clerk gave him a low-income transit pass for next month anyways but told him he would definitely need a new photo id for next month (it was lucky for the clerk that he did that for otherwise he would have been beheaded by Pan Goatee).

“Why the Hell do you need a fucking new photo id all the time?” Goatee fumed, “Proof positive that the days of the Antichrist and the Mark of the Beast are upon us.”

He beheaded a fat ugly blimp in a wheelchair who tried to get in his way.

“You know back in my day, we used to have only good looking people in wheelchairs,” the ghost of Raymond Burr remarked to the satyr serial killer after Goatee had beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

“Mister, we could use a disabled person like Police Detective Robert Ironside again,” Pan Goatee sang a paraphrased version of that old Archie Bunker All In The Family song about Herbert Hoover.

He then beheaded a few more ugly women around the transit place.

“If Semjaza and his Merry band of Watchers came down to Earth today,” Goatee did an impromptu theological exposition on the Book of I Enoch,
“they sure as Hell wouldn’t be mating with the daughters of men now not when they look like the daughters of walruses, stoats and gargoyles.”

Goatee was momentarily pleased when he actually saw a beautiful woman wearing a short skirt and black silk pantyhose exiting a building but she was immediately followed by an ugly stoat looking woman whom he promptly beheaded.

Later on the bus ride home, Goatee encountered another ugly stoat looking woman who in addition to being stoatly ugly was wearing a fashion designer’s nightmare of barf green coloured checkered pants with unmatching yellow striped purple running shoes.

The genetically created satyr serial killer promptly beheaded her much to the relief, delight and applause of the ghosts of Oscar Wilde, Friedrich Nietzsche, Yves Saint Laurent and the still living (but almost died when he saw the colour blind hideous fashion ensemble wearing ugly looking stoat monstrosity) Karl Lagerfeld.

Later a walrus looking fat ugly blimp got off the bus in front of Pan Goatee’s house so he beheaded that creature from Hell as well.

. . .

The two chief scientists in charge of Product Development at Apple (both of whom were appointed after the death of Steve Jobs) twin brothers Dr. Shitticus Constipationio and Dr. Shitticus Diarrheaosis (both men’s family surnames were their first names) were up shit creek.

The CEO of the company Tim Cook had died after eating a poisoned apple pie given to him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

The gay Apple CEO had a passionate crush on the British MP who was someday expected to become Prime Minister of Britain and the Sir Winston Churchill of the 21st Century so gladly accepted the apple pie from him.

Chinese government operative Ho Babylon Minh (the granddaughter of Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh) knew of Cook’s crush on Renfield R. Renfield and thus after putting the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed Snow White Red Rose Black Death apples in a pie got Renfield to deliver them.

Cook’s homicide was revenge on the part of the Beijing government for the U.S. government ordered Justin Trudeau cannabis Canadian complicit arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou at Vancouver International Airport.

Renfield agreed because he didn’t like the idea of a very attractive Asian Dragon sister like Meng Wanzhou having been put in a Vancouver jail when there were so many obnoxious ugly white women walking the streets of Calgary, Alberta, Canada and nobody was doing a damned thing about it with the exception of genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Now Cook was dead and put on ice (in hopes there would be somebody who could bring him back from the dead).

In the meantime a humanoid looking robot who resembled Cook was putting in public appearances so that no one would know Cook had died.

The embarrasing part was the Tim Cook looking humanoid robot had been built and designed by Samsung (Apple’s South Korean competitor) since after Steve Jobs’ death, Apple had become incapable of building a good product.

And they the Shitticus Brothers were to blame.

. . .

Back in 855 AD, a Kabbalistic Gnostic Apostolate operating covertly in the Catholic Church had finally succeeded in putting a woman (a witch) on the papal throne as Pope John VIII.

The woman became known to history as Pope Joan.

Joannes Anglicus (her Latin name as Pope) had disguised herself as a man.

Her womanhood was revealed in 857 AD when she gave birth in the midst of a papal procession.

Now the vampiress Allatallahbel (the Vampiress Priestess of Baal) was hoping to openly be elected Pope when Francis either kicked the bucket or resigned.


The Vampiress Allatallahbel (the Vampiress Priestess of Baal) plans to become the next Pope.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 27th
2018.

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Brisbane’s Archbishop Coleridge and The Slaughter of The Albatrosses

October 3, 2018 at 10:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Brisbane’s Archbishop Coleridge and The Slaughter of The Albatrosses

At the Vatican in Rome, Samhain Cardinal Salaman was still in heavenly bliss after spending a night making out with the Vampiress Allatallahbel’s astral body twin double the succubus Asherah who was wearing a sexy nun’s outfit of veil, short skirted habit mini dress and black silk pantyhose.

Pope Francis was still vomiting 🤮 Gadarene pigs’ feet.

He got a Get Well card from Kwan Yin the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy which gave him a recipe for a Korean pork dish with the inscription, “Try this. Korean pork is a lot healthier and less demonically possessed than Gadarene pork.”

At Brisbane in Australia 🇦🇺 meanwhile the pervert friendly and demon worshipping Roman Catholic Archbishop Mark Coleridge was having a dream where he was dressed as an ancient mariner and slaying albatrosses with a cross bow left, right and center.

A group of angry sailors angry that their ship had crashed on the rock as a result of Archbishop Coleridge slaying so many albatrosses ripped the gold pectoral Cross off from around his neck and put a necklace of albatrosses around his neck.

The Archbishop’s gods Baal and Baphomet appeared to him and said they actually preferred the necklace of albatrosses around his neck rather than the Cross.

Archbishop Coleridge went into a pub and downed several pitchers of Carlton Draught.

After doing so, the Archbishop went into a reception hall and stopped a wedding guest from entering the hall in order to tell him his story of the slaughter of the albatrosses.

The wedding guest punched Archbishop Coleridge and sent him flying across 3 oceans into a British Premier League football ⚽️ stadium.

The Archbishop decided to become a hawker of goods in the stadium and went around shouting “Albatross! Albatross!”.

“What does it taste like?” asked a spectator.

“How do I know what it tastes like?” The Archbishop retorted angrily, “It tastes like bloody sea bird bloody flavour.”

“Do you get wafers with it?” The spectator asked.

“Of course you don’t get bloody wafers with it,” Archbishop Coleridge answered as Communion wafers fell out of his ass by the truck load.

“All right, I’ll take that one then,” the spectator paid the Archbishop and the Archbishop ripped the selected albatross off his necklace of albatrosses and gave it to the man.

Archbishop Coleridge was then attacked by a zombie 🧟‍♂️ Norwegian Blue parrot tired of pining for the fjords and so brought back from the dead.

The Archbishop fell from the stands on to the field.

On the field, he was set upon and choked to death by a python 🐍 named Monty.

After kicking the bucket, Archbishop Coleridge was horrified to discover that his idol Pope Francis was wrong about Hell.

Mercifully at the moment Coleridge tumbled into the flames 🔥 while Australian singer Olivia Newton John sang, “Xanadu, your neon lights will shine for you, Xanadu” while the Mongolian Chinese Emperor Kublai Khan stood and applauded, the Archbishop suddenly woke up.

It had all been a dream.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 3rd
2018.

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Reblog of The Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow Rises Again

September 30, 2018 at 9:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote a year ago today.

Dracul Van Helsing

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal was visiting the village of Sleepy Hollow near Tarrytown in northern New York state.

She was searching for the grave of a former lover of hers- a Hessian military officer who fought for the Hanoverian king George III during the American Revolutionary War and who got his head shot off by a stray cannonball much to his dismay.

The officer’s name was Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden.

Allatallahbel found the grave of the Headless Horseman Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden in the forest a few miles out of town from the village of Sleepy Hollow.

A large gravestone and marker for the grave had been paid for by the government of Germany back in 1933 shortly after a man named Adolf Hitler had been appointed Chancellor of Germany.

The reason for building a gravestone marker for the long dead headless Hessian officer were known only to Allatallahbel and…

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Reblog of Allatallahbel Swims To Nephthys’ Undersea Tomb

September 30, 2018 at 9:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote just over a year ago.

Dracul Van Helsing

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal had hired two London private eyes Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley to track down the sole surviving Vampiric Knights-Templar for her.

She had also hired another London private eye Randall Hopkins to spy on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set for her (Randall Hopkins accepted the case immediately since he had prior experience spying on Set having been hired by the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis to do just that 3 years ago).

Randall Hopkins had broke into Set’s house where he located a couriered document sent to Set by the German government.

Apparently a World War One German UB-II U-Boat submarine had just been found off the coast of Belgium.

According to the sub’s last manifest written down before its last voyage (the manifest was found in the German National Archives) the Egyptian vampiress Nephthys (Set’s long lost wife) was on board the…

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Asmodeus, Assholes, Pot Smoking Demons and Carolina Moon

September 13, 2018 at 10:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Asmodeus, Assholes, Pot Smoking Demons and Carolina Moon

Former Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney was (and still is) an asshole.

Probably the biggest asshole ever to occupy the office of Prime Minister of Canada (the second biggest asshole being the current Prime Minister Justin’s Marxist father Pierre Elliot Trudeau).

Every few years asshole Mulroney will crawl out of the woodwork just on the off chance the Canadian people have forgotten what a total moron he was and say something outrageously stupid to remind them.

A couple of days ago, asshole Mulroney crawled out of the woodwork to do just that.

While Mulroney’s two heavenly former guardian angels held an invisible spiritual dunce cap over his head, the former Prime Minister said he never approved of the Notwithstanding clause in the Canadian Constitution and attacked Ontario Premier Doug Ford for using it.

In an outburst of vocal flatulence, the former Prime Minister said he didn’t like the idea of a constitutional clause being used to override a decision of the Supreme Court of Canada.

It was precisely because of idiotic Supreme Court judges appointed by idiotic Prime Ministers like Mr. Bulroney (which is the way his name should be properly pronounced) and the two Trudeaus (pot smoking son and Marxist father) that the 8 Premiers who were opposed to Swinging (from the Maoist and Castro jungle branches) Pierre Elliot agreed to an entrenched Charter of Rights (which Pierre Elliot had modeled on Soviet dictator Josef Stalin’s high sounding and noble words declaring Charter of Human Rights enshrined in the Soviet Constitution of the USSR which history knows how genuinely successful that was) in the Canadian Constitution provided that Federal and Provincial governments have the power to override idiotic decisions by unelected judges (appointed as patronage appointments by idiotic political leaders) through the use of a Notwithstanding clause.

Unfunny clown 🤡 Bulroney seemed to have forgotten the fact that he had used an obscure clause in the original 1867 Constitution (that had never been previously invoked in Canada’s entire history until the unfortunate advent of asshole Bulroney) to stack the Canadian Federal Senate with a bunch of political hacks and Bulroney butt-kissing bozos in order to pass the most stupid tax ever created in Canadian history- the GST.

The Canadian senate in 1990 had announced that they were going to vote against Bulroney’s idiotic GST and kill the bill.

Thereupon the ass scratching Mulroney’s legal team found the obscure clause in the original 1867 Canadian Constitution which allowed the rash asshole Bulroney to stack the Senate with his own brown nosed and butt kissing supporters.

Also opposed to Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s use of the Notwithstanding clause was former Ontario Premier Bill Davis a man who was a great admirer of Marxist Pierre.

In fact Bill Davis was only one of two Premiers who supported Pierre in repatriating the Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights (the other Provincial Premier was Richard Hatfield the then marijuana pot smoking Premier of New Brunswick who was once caught with marijuana in his possession while flying on a plane ✈️ with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II). The other 8 provincial premiers were opposed to it.

Joining Brian Bulroney and Bill Davis in condemning Doug Ford’s use of the Notwithstanding clause were the major consumers of recreational Canadian cannabis- those who worked in Amnesty International’s Canada office who saw a moral equivalency between Doug Ford using the Notwithstanding clause to reduce the size of Toronto City Council and the way Syrian President Bashar al-Assad treats his political opponents.

After Bulroney made his announcement condemning the Notwithstanding clause, he was immediately kicked in his minuscule sized balls by DARPA contract assassin Panty Goatee (the genetically created twin sister of DARPA contract assassin and lovable serial killer Pan Goatee).

She had been hired by the International Federation of Vampire Hunters to do so.

This month’s Acting President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters was the Alberta born and raised Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

. . .

Pope Francis thought he could smell cigarette smoke 💨 as he closed his bedroom door.

Sure enough, that’s what it was.

The nicotine addict and cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus was lying in Pope Francis’s bed smoking a cigarette and reading National Geographic magazine.

“Hope you don’t mind me smoking in here,” Asmodeus wheezed before coughing a heavy smoker’s cough, “but Lilith was complaining that the smoke 💨 was bothering her so I came in here to smoke.”

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was currently visiting the ancient Phoenician vampiress Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal at the Vatican to discuss their mutual plans for the Middle East.

“No, I don’t mind,” Pope Francis coughed through the thick clouds ☁️ of smoke 💨.

“A most jolly good fellow you are,” Asmodeus belched as he drank his quadruple cream and quadruple tablespoonful of sugar mocha latte cafe coffee ☕️.

“Thank you,” said Pope Francis who was not used to receiving compliments these days.

“Say, do you think I should buy some reefers of recreational Canadian cannabis and start smoking that when they become legal?” Asmodeus licked the marshmallow cream moustache from underneath his nose, “do you think it will help me overcome my nicotine addiction?”.

“It might,” Pope Francis admitted.

“Say, what is the Papal position on demons smoking marijuana in your bed by the way?” Asmodeus asked out of curiosity.

“I’m not quite sure,” Pope Francis picked up his copy of the book Catholic Dogmatic Theology For Dummies that lay on his night table, “I’ll have to look it up.”

. . .

Hurricane Florence was about to hit the coast of the Carolinas.

Inside the eye of the storm doing a whirling dervish dance 💃🏻 was the Italian Renaissance vampiress Florence De Medici.

As she danced and twirled, Signora Florence De Medici sang, “Carolina moon keep shining, Shining on the one who waits for me…”

The Italian Renaissance vampiress Florence De Medici in her gardens on her palatial Estate in the Italian city of Florence in her pre-hurricane days.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 13th
2018.

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Pan Goatee Beheads Ugly Airhead, Pope Francis Blows Baphomet and Renfield Gets Tip On Syria Chemical Attack

September 7, 2018 at 10:58 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Beheads Ugly Airhead, Pope Francis Blows Baphomet and Renfield Gets Tip On Syria Chemical Attack

Pan Goatee was walking down the middle stairwell of the public transit train station when a typical stupid ugly looking white woman in this city tried to race him down the stairs on the other stairwell.

Pan Goatee ran like Hermes after he got a hot poker shoved up his ass by Hephaestus (things that now go on at modern Establishment Democratic Party conventions during the after hours) and beat the ugly looking white woman down the stairs.

“You can’t outrun me, you stupid ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee shouted back at the product of faulty genetics without bothering to look at the putrid mess.

He then boarded the train.

He was shocked to see the ugly looking thing follow after him on the train and then in an act of blatant airheadedness actually sat next to the genetically created satyr serial killer.

Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the ugly creature for such a blatant failure of a female IQ test.

He then cut her up into 666 quintillion pieces.

Looking around for a garbage bag, he couldn’t see any so he stole a University student’s knapsack instead.

He threw all the pieces inside the knapsack while the University student said aloud, “Well, at least I’ll have a far more interesting excuse this time than the dog ate my homework for not completing last night’s class assignment.”

Goatee then stole a container of gasoline as he didn’t have any cash on him and he had gone over this month’s DARPA Credit Card Amount of $650 million.

He then set fire 🔥 to the knapsack containing the pieces of the ugly looking creature and hurled it through the window of yet another drug house in a drug gang controlled neighbourhood.

This time Pabo Escobar’s ghost had to drop ghostly spectral Artificial Tears 😭 in his eyes to start bawling 😭 over the fire 🔥 as he had developed a bad case of dry eyes 👀 as a result of too much crying 😢 over the many fires in drug gang controlled neighbourhoods that Pan Goatee had started lately.

As fire trucks 🚒 arrived on scene to fight the 66-alarm fire 🔥 in this neighbourhood, Nero’s ghost speaking into his ghostly microphone announced to the spectators of the massive blaze, “I’d like to specially dedicate this next tune to Pan Goatee” and proceeded to play on his violin 🎻 the tune to that song by The Supremes, “Whenever you are near, I hear a symphony…”

. . .

“Some bad news, Mr. President,” a White House aide who had been forced to sign a loyalty oath in blood that morning spoke to Donald Trump.

“What is it?” Trump asked, “Another gutless anonymous editorial by someone accusing me of being mentally unbalanced?”.

Trump proceeded to comb his toupee into an Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte looking hairstyle and then held a small black comb under his nose to make it look like he was sporting an Adolf Hitler moustache.

“No, the CIA is complaining about cutbacks to their programs,” his aide said.

“But I thought I increased spending for the CIA’s budget as well as the military budget and the ICE budget to say nothing of extensive tax cuts for the nation’s top 1% earners,” Trump looked shocked, “the only programs where I massively cut spending were programs for the poor, the sick and the elderly.”

“No, the CIA is complaining about cutbacks to their covert non-government funded black ops programs whose funding is provided by the Colombian and Mexican drug cartels,” his aide explained, “The Colombian and Mexican drug cartels are upset because they think you ordered DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee to burn down drug gang controlled neighbourhoods in Western Canada.”

“But I gave Pan Goatee no such order,” Trump exploded and blew the honey coloured red spider monkey fur toupee off his head, “I sent him as an Emissary of Peace to deal with wealthy Western Canadians who have been donating large sums of money to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Canadian Federal Liberal Party. It’s part of my ongoing NAFTA negotiations. I never even mentioned drugs.”

. . .

Pope Francis had been instructed by Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal to perform an act of obeisance to Baphomet the half-goat half-human half-male half-female entity who was worshiped by the Vampiric Knights-Templar.

Holding on to his twisted Crucifix episcopal crozier whose image resembled the Frankenstein monster more than it did Jesus Christ, Pope Francis knelt down in front of the Baphomet who stood at the High Altar inside the papal chapel.

Baphomet’s male sex organ then became erect as the entity thought about Caitlyn Jenner.

“Now you must give the Baphomet a blow job as part of your obeisance,” Allatallahbel ordered as she sprinkled her High Priestess dress with the blood of innocents.

“What?” Pope Francis’s face turned ashen white.

One of the Vampiric Knights-Templar played the Boy George song Karma Chameleon on a pair of Scottish bagpipes.

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield was being interviewed by BBC News on Barack Obama’s criticism of Donald Trump.

“I think it was for the most part justified,” Renfield answered, “the only part where I’d disagree is where he says that the Republican Party have been the ones responsible for all the divisiveness and paranoia in America the past few decades. The Democrats have been largely responsible for much of the divisiveness and paranoia as well. Ever since South Dakota Sen. George McGovern (described by his Democratic Presidential primaries rival Washington Sen. Henry “Scoop” Jackson as the candidate of “amnesty, acid and abortion”) won the Democratic Party Presidential nomination in 1972, the Democrats have become a gang of abortion loving, hashish loving degenerate and perverted far left-wing bozos which has produced an opposite extreme in the Republican Party in its Tea Party wing. If I had been there, I’d have given O’ Bummer the raspberry he so richly deserved at that point.”

When Renfield had finished the interview, he was handed a package 📦.

He gave it to a New York Times reporter to open thinking it might be a return present 💝 from Russian President Vladimir Putin whom he had recently sent a package.

The fake news correspondent opened it and no explosions took place.

“A whole bunch of documents,” said the reporter.

Renfield looked at the documents.

They were plans detailing a plan by a rogue branch of Britain’s MI-6 to launch a chemical weapons attack on civilians in the Idlib province of Syria and then blame the government of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to justify an all out western assault on Damascus to overthrow Assad.

As Renfield looked at the documents and the dates on it, he realized he’d be racing against time to prevent an attack on Syrian civilians.

– A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 7th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s Pre-Homicidal Big Mac Attack and Calls For Pope Francis To Resign

August 27, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Pre-Homicidal Big Mac Attack and Calls For Pope Francis To Resign

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee 🐐 was having a Big Mac attack.

So he went into a McDonald’s restaurant and ordered a Big Mac.

While enjoying his Big Mac and signing autographs asked for him by an adoring group of star struck fans who would be starting kindergarten in the fall, the satyr noticed an ugly looking woman by the pop machine.

The stupid bitch seemed to be taking her time figuring out how the pop machine worked (and she didn’t have the excuse of being an attractive looking blonde with a nice pair of knockers who generally do have such trouble with such simple mechanisms).

Finally the ugly looking bitch was shown by her children how you just had to push your cup against a lever and the pop poured of its own accord.

She finally left the restaurant.

“Thank God,” Pan Goatee took some blood pressure lowering pills, “her ugliness was starting to get on my nerves.”

But then the ugly looking bitch insisted on standing right outside the window where Pan Goatee was sitting totally ruining his view with this hideous blemish on the landscape.

Pan Goatee immediately jumped through the window smashing it into a thousand pieces and beheading the ugly woman with his astral laser machete.

Just then a cab pulled up to the parking space in front and the cab driver stuck his head out the window, “Anybody here call for a ride?”.

“Mom did but this half-man half goat beheaded her,” the ugly woman’s son explained.

Pan Goatee picked up the ugly woman’s decapitated body and threw it in the back seat.

He then picked up the ugly woman’s decapitated head and threw it in the trunk.

“You better drive her home,” Pan Goatee directed after snatching a $20 bill from one of the ugly woman’s kids and handing it to the cab driver, “Being beheaded and driving is like being impaired and driving. It doesn’t really mix and could lead to a major catastrophic traffic or pedestrian collision on our city streets.”

He then went back inside to finish his Big Mac.

Just then a fat ugly blimp walked by him finally wrecking his appetite for good.

Goatee threw the remaining pieces of Big Mac to a homeless man who was looking for bottles in the trash bin outside.

He then beheaded the fat ugly blimp and proceeded to cut her up into a trillion pieces.

“Certainly a lot of fat to go around there,” Goatee thought to himself as he wondered whether he might not have been a government auditor in a past life.

. . .

“Cthulhu has been eating quite a number of the residents of San Francisco,” one of Donald Trump’s White House aides told the toupee wearing President.

“What do I care?” Trump shrugged, “The people of California never voted for me and the people of San Francisco in particular never voted for me. Let them be cake 🍰 for Cthulhu.”

Trump took off his hairpiece and put on a Marie Antoinette wig to see how he would look.

“But Melania says unless you do something to stop Cthulhu’s non-vegan cuisine slaughter in San Francisco, she’s going to give a tell all interview to CNN News.”

“All right,” Trump changed his mind, “Send Gen. James Mattis out there and get him to ask Cthulhu what’s eating him that’s causing him to eat so many residents of San Francisco.”

. . .

Pope Francis was being told by several Cardinals and bishops that he should resign in the wake of the former papal nuncio to the United States’ 11-page document that the pontiff knew about former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s sexual misconduct and covered up for him.

Pope Francis sat in his office and pondered 🤔 the million dollar question, “What would Pope Alexander VI do?”.

Meanwhile Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal, who had taken over the Vatican on October 13th last year along with six Vampiric Knights-Templar, the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow and Amourous Laetitia the personal black cat and familiar of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft, was undergoing a severe anxiety attack in the wake of the possibility that Pope Francis might resign.

Allatallahbel was dealing with her anxiety attack in the only way she knew how.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 27th
2018.

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