Qonzilqointec, Santa Muerte, Don Quixote and Pachamama Mark Guy Fawkes Day In Mexico

November 5, 2019 at 11:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec, Santa Muerte, Don Quixote and Pachamama Mark Guy Fawkes Day In Mexico

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had flown back to Mexico accompanied by Dracul Van Helsing upon hearing the news that 9 members of an American Mormon family- 3 women and 6 children- were killed in an attack by suspected drug cartel gunmen in northern Mexico.

Their burnt out SUV was found by the side of the road with the remains of some victims found inside.

They were most likely targeted as a result of mistaken identity.

Sonora state in northern Mexico is being fought over by two rival gangs La Linea (with links to the larger Juarez cartel) and Los Chapos (which is part of the larger Sinaloa cartel).

Being an equal opportunity beheader when it came to dealing with drug gang members, Qonzilqointec started beheading members of both gangs when she arrived in Sonora state.

She was assisted in the beheading by Van Helsing.

Just before their heads were lopped off, most of the drug hoodlums started snivelling and whining that this wasn’t what they had signed up for when they decided to join the gangs.

They were expecting a life of sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll and wild parties not being beheaded.

“Well, life’s a bitch and then you die,” Van Helsing remarked unsympathetically as he lopped off yet another whining drug hoodlum’s head.

Van Helsing and Qonzilqointec were soon joined in their beheading of the drug dealing hooligans by a man dressed as a medieval Spanish knight.

After over a thousand hooligans had lost their heads and the trio decided to call it a night, the Spanish knight rode off on his horse.

“Who was that unmasked man wearing the gold coloured sombrero of an old time Spanish singing barber?” Van Helsing asked Qonzilqointec.

“Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was a younger looking version of Cervantes’ Don Quixote,” the Aztec vampire princess answered.

. . .

Santa Muerte the patron saint of drug dealers was sitting in a rural Mexican cantina looking depressed because quite a number of his worshippers had died the past few days after being beheaded by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

Santa Muerte was depicted in his statues as a female saint but was really Samael the ancient angel of death (mentioned in the Talmud) in drag.

He had been living in Mexico since the 1930s and had been a transgendered fallen angel for almost as long.

“I’ve got a lot to complain about,” Santa Muerte wept in his tequila.

“You’ve got a lot to complain about?” Pachamama the ancient Inca Mother Earth goddess who was sitting over at the next table hit him over the head with her high-heeled shoes, “I’ve got something to complain about. Back on Monday October 20th during the Pan-Amazonia synod in Rome a group of Catholic men entered a Catholic Church where my statues were displayed and took them out and threw them into the Tiber River. Then just this past Sunday November 3rd
the Rev. Father Hugo Valdemar Romero Canon of the Cathedral in Mexico City and the official Spokesman for the Archdiocese of Mexico burned 3 cardboard effigies of me in a public ceremony in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe Church in Mexico City.”

“Well, look at the bright side,” Santa Muerte polished his 1930s era glass spectacles with a cloth, “he missed Guy Fawkes Day by two days. He obviously didn’t remember the 5th of November. And I don’t imagine Canon Valdemar will ever be awarded a Cardinal’s hat by Pope Francis.” 

Pachamama was not pleased by Santa Muerte’s words of consolation.

She poured tequila all over his skull head and then set fire to it.

Santa Muerte cried, “The last thing I wanted to do was spend Guy Fawkes Day looking like Nicolas Cage in the 2007 film Ghost Rider.”

He ran up to the bar and poured a pitcher of ice water over his head.

. . .

Señorita Adriana was sitting beside a carved stone depiction of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl.

She held a red rose in her hands.

The rose had been given her by a man who had been the epitome of charm.

But the man was really Quetzalcoatl who had shapeshifted into human form.

The “man” had told her to wait for him by the carved image of Quetzalcoatl.

The feathered serpent arrived on the scene with a obsidian knife to cut her heart out.

Señorita Adriana screamed.

A man dressed as a medieval Spanish knight and wearing a golden coloured sombrero arrived on the scene and stabbed the feathered serpent with his lance.

“Waaaaah!” Quetzalcoatl cried.

“But it’s only a flesh wound,” Don Quixote pointed out.

“I haven’t had worse,” Quetzalcoatl sobbed as he ran down the street.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 5th
2019.

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Renfield Begins Re-Election Campaign

October 29, 2019 at 10:37 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Begins Re-Election Campaign 

By a margin of 438 votes to 20, the British House of Commons voted to approve Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s date for a UK national election to be held this coming December 12th.

This would pave the way for Britain’s first December election since 1923.

Johnson said the British public must be given a choice over the future of “Brexit and the country”.

As the vote took place, British MP Renfield R. Renfield the UK’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering sat on the benches eating a dozen Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches that he pulled out of a large bag prominently displaying the Chick-fil-A logo.

He also wore a t-shirt showing Lot’s wife turning into a pillar of salt when she turned back to look on the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.

The visual display at the moment of the historic vote lost him the endorsement of both Justin Trudeau and Barack Obama for his re-election campaign (not of course that Renfield was expecting their endorsements anyways).

Renfield also earned himself an excommunication from Pope Francis even though he wasn’t Catholic (but then again it could be argued neither was the Pope).

Renfield went home to the colossal West London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set where he lived while in London.

He noticed Set on the front lawn outside cutting up a large block of ice and what appeared to be a body inside the block of ice.

Renfield walked through the front door of the mansion where he informed his friend Amadeus Emanon that he would be renting a room in a Bed and Breakfast place in the town of Tewkesbury for the next couple of months as he fought his re-election campaign in his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

Meanwhile London-based PIs Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie were flying home from New York City to London.

They had just finished handing in a report to Lev Tomi the Secretary General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change on who were the groups and individuals responsible for starting the wild fires that raged through the Amazon rain forests this past summer.

Their investigation came to a sudden halt when they stumbled on a location where shaman priests and priestesses of Pachamama (who was the ancient Inca goddess of the earth and earthquakes) were sacrificing both llamas and humans to Pachamama.

Now that it looked like a UK general election would soon be held, the two private eyes mutually agreed to seek their old jobs as MPs.

For Agathor Christie who had been the British Conservative MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds prior to the spring 2017 British election, this would mean defeating current British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield (who had beaten him back in spring 2017).

For Magog Rhys Petley who had been British Labour MP for the Welsh constituency of Newbridge prior to the spring 2017 election, this would mean defeating British Transhumanist MP Morgana Fay Lee who was a Welsh vampiress who had beaten him back in spring 2017.

The Welsh vampiress Morgana: the lovely little devil about to take on Welsh werewolf Magog Rhys Petley in the upcoming British general election.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 29th
2019.

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Asmodeus In Rome On Saint Raphael’s Day

October 24, 2019 at 10:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Asmodeus In Rome On Saint Raphael’s Day 

The demon Asmodeus was sitting in a Rome taverna and enjoying a glass of absinthe with the little green frog Nimrod (who had been a mighty hunter back in the day of the Old Testament Book of Genesis).

The TV in the taverna was on and the news was being read,

“In Britain, Renfield R. Renfield the UK’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering has been placed in charge of the investigation to find the human trafficking gang responsible for the deaths of 39 migrants who had been found frozen to death in a refrigerator truck that was parked in an industrial area in Essex…”

“I wonder what will happen to the human traffickers when Renfield gets his hands on them?” Nimrod asked.

“I imagine from what I’ve heard of Renfield’s reputation,” Asmodeus lit his 10,000th cigarette of the day, “they will die a slow painful death by bodily dismemberment.”

“I suppose that’s why Renfield is considered the inspiration for the character of Raymond Red Reddington on The Blacklist TV show,” Nimrod licked up absinthe from his glass with his long tongue.

“I imagine,” Asmodeus agreed as he sipped his absinthe.

“In other news,” the announcer on the TV went on, “Pope Francis dove into the Tiber River today when he spotted what he thought were Pachamama idols floating by. The idols had been thrown off the bridge into the Tiber River on Monday…”

“I wonder if Pope Francis knows how to swim,” Nimrod finished his absinthe.

“Don’t know,” Asmodeus shrugged as he motioned for the waiter to bring another couple of glasses of absinthe.

A girl walked by the window wearing a Saint Raphael medal around her neck.

“Great balls of fire,” Asmodeus turned pale and made a reverse Sign of the Cross.

“What is it?” Nimrod inquired.

“That woman was wearing a Saint Raphael medal,” Asmodeus answered.

“Si, signor,” the waiter said as he put down the glasses of absinthe, “today is Saint Raphael’s Day on the old Roman Rite Latin calendar.”

“What have you got against Saint Raphael?” Nimrod asked Asmodeus when the waiter departed.

“Well over 2 millennia and a half ago, when I had the hots for a young Hebrew maiden named Sarah so much so that I murdered 7 of her husbands on the night their marriages to her were supposed to be consummated,” Asmodeus explained, “The Archangel Raphael befriended a young Hebrew man named Tobias and helped him get engaged to Sarah. The awful smell of a fish’s liver and heart being burnt and its fumes drove me away when I tried to attack Tobias on their wedding night. The smell was so bad, I fled from Media (where Sarah lived) all the way to Upper Egypt where Raphael followed me, bound me and buried me. I lay bound and buried for several centuries until an intoxicated Irish leprechaun named Yaldabaoth accidentally released me while he was visiting his mother Sophia in Egypt.”

“I can see why you’re not very happy with Raphael,” Nimrod nodded.

Meanwhile in another part of Rome, the Greek goddess Artemis rang the doorbell of a Vatican Cardinal’s apartment.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 24th
2019.

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Canadian Election Night and The Osiris-Pachamama Alliance

October 22, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Canadian Election Night and The Osiris-Pachamama Alliance

It was election night in Canada and Canadian New Democratic Party leader Jagmeet Singh had just finished his election speech.

Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger watched the speech on the large screen at Canadian Federal Liberal Party headquarters where Justin Trudeau was expected to put in an appearance in another 20 minutes to half an hour.

Trudeau had won the election albeit with a minority government.

Next up to speak was Canadian Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer of Regina.

The leader of the Official Opposition.

As political convention dictated in Canada, Scheer as leader of the party having won the 2nd greatest number of seats in Parliament on Election Night would give his speech which would then be followed by Trudeau who won the greatest number of seats.

However 35 seconds into Scheer’s speech, the classless Justin Trudeau walked on stage and began his speech causing national television networks to immediately switch over from Scheer to the newly re-elected Prime Minister.

Never had such a protocol been broken before.

But it was typical of spoiled brat Justin Trudeau who seemed to have people outside Canada so totally mesmerized that even Barack Obama had endorsed the spoiled brat for Prime Minister.

Justin’s treatment of Scheer was so typical of all politicians from Quebec and their treatment of and total disdain for politicians who came from the Canadian prairie provinces.

Ever since the days of Justin’s pompous arrogant father Pierre Elliot Trudeau, it had been the attitude of all politicians from Quebec to treat the electorate and people of the Canadian prairie provinces with loathing and contempt.

Robbing the prairie provinces of their resource wealth so they could buy votes in their native province of Quebec.

Even Brian Mulroney who had been a Progressive Conservative and not a Liberal, being a politician from Quebec, he naturally treated the people of the Canadian prairie provinces with disdain.

In some ways Mulroney had been even a bigger asshole towards the people of the Canadian prairie provinces than Pierre Elliot Trudeau had been.

And now Justin was following in the footsteps of his father and all recent politicians from Quebec.

The following morning the Alberta independence website Westxit (which had 2000 likes by the time of Election Day) suddenly climbed overnight to 200,000 likes after Justin Trudeau had metaphorically shit over the people of the Canadian prairie provinces.

When Justin Trudeau had finished his speech, he walked off stage where he immediately had a cream pie thrown in his face by Harvey Tallbanger.

. . .

The Egyptian god Osiris was pleased by recent happenings at the Vatican and throughout Europe.

Osiris had in the past year formed an alliance with the Amazon rainforest and Andean Mountain indigenous earth mother goddess Pachamama.

Pachamama, unlike her earth mother goddess equivalents in the Ancient Greek and Egyptian pantheons, was an earth mother goddess who required blood sacrifices.

Most of the time, it was poor llamas and poor little guinea pigs who were sacrificed to Pachamama by her priests and priestesses.

Pachamama definitely wasn’t a member of GETA (Goddesses For The Ethical Treatment of Animals).

On occasion, she also required human sacrifice.

But that was no big deal, Osiris thought.

So did most liberal progressive Democratic governors of U.S. states.

And Osiris’ good friend Pope Francis had started off this month’s Pan-Amazonia Synod at the Vatican by having an Amazon female shaman lead an outdoor ritual in the Vatican gardens in which everybody bowed down to idols of Pachamama.

Afterwards the idols of Pachamama were then put in front of an altar in the Catholic Church of Santa Maria del Traspontina.

This past Sunday October 21st a group of Amazon Synod leaders led by the pro-Communist Brazilian Cardinal Claudio Hummes held a ceremony in the Catacombs of Domitilla in which they re-enacted the signing of the Pact of the Catacombs.

The Pact of the Catacombs was a ceremony held by pro-Marxist Cardinals, bishops and priests back on November 16th 1965 towards the end of the 2nd Vatican Council in which they pledged loyalty to the spirit of revolution.

Now that pact would be renewed and Pachamama (who lived beneath the earth as a dragon bathed in fire and who shapeshifted into a woman above the earth) would then be accepted as the spirit of the coming revolution.

The Pact of The Catacombs was renewed by the Amazon Synod leaders.

A day later, a group of traditional Catholics entered the Church of Santa Maria del Traspontina, removed 5 Pachamama idols and then took them outside and cast them into the Tiber River.

Claudio Cardinal Hummes threw a hippy hissy fit in response.

But for now Osiris was happy.

He was sure that he would soon become the Pharaoh of Europe after a papally blessed inter-religious ceremony would be held on the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland this coming Halloween that would forever bind the United Kingdom of Great Britain to the coming United States of Europe (foreseen and talked about by Leon Trotsky back in 1935) of which he Osiris would be the Pharaoh.

After all it looked like Boris Johnson and that odious Renfield R. Renfield’s efforts to pull Britain out of the EU before Halloween night would be a failure.

Osiris smiled.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 22nd
2019.

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Nimrod On The Night of The Hunter’s Moon

October 13, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Nimrod On The Night of The Hunter’s Moon

Sunday October 13th 2019.

Evening.

The night of the hunter’s moon.

A full moon.

The first full moon that follows the harvest moon.

The hunter’s moon.

And on this night of the hunter’s moon, Nimrod (described in the biblical Book of Genesis as a mighty hunter against The Lord) stood on the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica.

He, of course, was no longer a man.

After having been hit over the head by his wife Semiramis back in the days of Babel which should have killed him, the dying Nimrod was abducted by a group of ET grays.

They took him to his planet where they healed him.

Nimrod was grateful for otherwise he’d have probably wound up in the flames of Tartarus in the Underworld if he had died.

He hung around with the ET grays until their spacecraft crashed near Tuktoyaktuk Northwest Territories in Canada back in December 2014.

The crash killed both the grays and him.

Fortunately for Nimrod just before his spirit was to be thrown into Tartarus, he was brought back from the dead after the vampiress Lilith gave him a magic kiss after kissing him on the lips as his body lay in a DARPA secret research lab not far from Washington DC.

The magic kiss did have one serious side effect however.

It turned him into a little green frog.

And now the little frog that was Nimrod was quietly ribbiting on the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica.

He was here because of a tarot card reading given him by the gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia when he was in London recently.

Dulcinea had told him that if he sat on the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica during the next hunter’s moon, a magic bow and arrow would come down from the moon and he would once again be a mighty hunter.

So here was Nimrod waiting for the bow and arrow.

Several pieces of green cheese fell from the moon and fell nearby him which he ate.

Finally a bow and arrow fell right on top of his head.

“Owww!” Nimrod ribbited.

The centaur Sagittarius appeared to Nimrod and told the frog that the Vatican was about to be attacked by a pack of Transylvanian werewolves.

Nimrod could re-invigorate his hunting skills by hunting the werewolves.

Nimrod asked, “Why should I do that?”.

Sagittarius replied, “Because the Vatican has been under the control of Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and the Vampiric Knights-Templar since October 13th 2017. And remember Allatallahbel is an ally of Lilith who brought you back from the dead. So to help Allatallahbel keep the Vatican is a good thing. Those werewolves were hired by Russian President Vladimir Putin to take the Vatican for Russia.”

Nimrod didn’t understand modern geopolitics but took the centaur’s advice.

He checked his supply of arrows and was relieved to see they all had silver tips.

Otherwise he wouldn’t be able to kill a single werewolf never mind a whole pack of them.

When the werewolves attacked at the height of the hunter’s moon, Nimrod fired his arrows.

There were 99 werewolves in all.

As Nimrod fired, he sang,

“99 werewolves of fear on the wall,
99 werewolves of fear,
shoot one down, 
watch it hit the ground,
98 werewolves of fear on the wall…”

And so on and so forth until there were none left.

Allatallahbel: Pleased by Nimrod’s defence of her captive Vatican from an attack by an invading pack of Transylvanian werewolves

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 13th
2019.

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Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Wins Nobel Peace Prize

October 11, 2019 at 10:40 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Wins Nobel Peace Prize

“I see the 2019 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed,” Amadeus Emanon remarked to his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“I noticed that,” Renfield nodded, “Putting an end to a war that’s lasted 20 years (the Ethiopian-Eritrean conflict of 1998-2018), he certainly deserved it.”

“I noticed multitudes of people on various social media networks are very upset and outraged that Greta Thunberg did not win this year’s Nobel Peace Prize,” Amadeus pointed out.

“I saw a good meme that answered all those critics in the idiocy sphere,” Renfield showed Amadeus the meme on his laptop:

“That is a good meme,” Amadeus admitted.

“Yes, awarding a Nobel Peace Prize to someone who ended 20 years of war instead of giving it to someone who looks like a walking advertisement for the hazards of irregularity,” said Renfield.

“What’s that piece of paper you’re holding?” Amadeus asked.

“I printed up a photo that Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol sent me,” Renfield handed the photo to Amadeus, “it’s a photo showing Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’ Rourke selling his soul to Baphomet.”

“Wow, Beto O’ Rourke sold his soul to Baphomet?” Amadeus hurriedly made the sign of the Cross which frightened off Pope Francis’ pet raven who happened to be gazing through the window.

“Yes,” Renfield took back the photo, “It should come as no surprise given some of the statements that O’Rourke has made recently.”

“Will that help him win the Presidency?” Amadeus asked.

“Who knows?” Renfield shrugged, “But to paraphrase a Carpenter From Nazareth (whose incarnate deity Pope Francis denies), ‘What shall it profit a man if he gains the Presidency of the United States and loses his own soul’?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 11th
2019.

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Renfield Discusses The Turkish Invasion of Syria

October 10, 2019 at 10:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield Discusses The Turkish Invasion of Syria

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was discussing the Turkish invasion of Syria with his friend Amadeus Emanon.

“Well several civilians have been killed and tens of thousands of people have been forced to flee their homes in northern Syria as a result of the megalomaniac Erdogan’s invasion,” Renfield remarked as he carved a turkey to make a turkey sandwich.

“And is the megalomaniac Trump going to do anything about it?” Amadeus asked as he carved a ham to make a ham sandwich.

“No, he’s too worried about impeachment,” Renfield added a sliced peach to his turkey sandwich, “a couple of Eastern European friends of his lawyer Rudy Giuliani were arrested today and charged with campaign finance fraud in making illegal contributions to Trump’s 2016 campaign.”

Some shit hit the fan in the kitchen at that moment.

“I should have known better than to leave the window open with all those geese blowing around in this windstorm,” Renfield closed the window.

“Where is most of the fighting in northern Syria taking place at the moment?” Amadeus asked.

“Around the border towns of Ras al-Ain and Tal Abyad,” Renfield answered.

“And what is the UN doing about it?” Amadeus inquired.

“What the UN always does in these situations,” Renfield acknowledged, “Nothing.”

Athelstan the butler entered the kitchen to make tea, “I understand the UN Security Council held an emergency meeting today to discuss the situation at the request of Britain, France, Germany, Belgium and Poland.”

“Which will just produce nothing but a lot of handwringing,” Renfield noted.

A bunch of severed hands from living dead zombies began ringing the doorbell.

Athelstan went to the door with a can of RAID House and Garden Zombie Killer and started spraying the hands where they dropped like flies.

“I see Erdogan says that he’ll send the 3.6 million refugees that Turkey hosts to Europe if Europe dares to call the Turkish offensive an occupation,” Amadeus added mustard to his ham sandwich.

“Yes, Erdogan seems to have a thing about certain words,” Renfield put cranberries on his turkey, “just like he doesn’t like it when you call what Turkey did to the Armenians in 1915 a genocide.”

“How’s Prince Vlad Dracula doing on the ground in northern Syria?” Amadeus inquired.

“He’s fighting alongside the Kurds,” Renfield bit into his turkey sandwich, “and his daughter the Countess Draculina has joined him along with my personal Army brigade of Gurkhas.”

Countess Draculina: Battling the invading Turkish forces of Recep Tayyip Erdogan

. . .

Pope Francis was at his desk in his Vatican apartment when the phone rang.

It was Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan calling.

“Hello, Frankie old boy,” the Turkish President tried to sound informal, “I hear you deny the incarnate deity of Jesus Christ. Being a Muslim, I too deny the incarnate deity of Jesus Christ. So since we have that in common, I was wondering if you’d like to take part in my coronation when I’m crowned Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire.”

“What was the date you planned for that?” Francis asked.

Erdogan answered.

“Let me check my calendar,” Francis opened his little red notebook with a photo of Chairman Mao on the cover, “Yes, that should be fine.”

A lemon meringue pie was thrown in Francis’ face at that moment just as Swiss Guards outside the apartment shouted that a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit had just entered the papal apartment.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 10th
2019.

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Renfield Discusses Pope Francis, Turkey and Belgium With Geeta Guru-Murthy

October 9, 2019 at 10:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Discusses Pope Francis, Turkey and Belgium With Geeta Guru-Murthy

BBC’s Geeta Guru-Murthy was interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield the UK’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.

They were discussing major happenings from around the world.

“Now, my first question to you, Mr. Renfield,” Geeta began, “does not involve strictly a political matter. However it has caused a great deal of controversy around the world and does involve a major global institution. The issue is of course the claim made by Italian journalist Eugenio Scalfari in today’s issue of La Republicca newspaper that Pope Francis does not believe in the incarnate Deity of Jesus Christ. What is your reaction?”.

“Well if Scalfari’s claims are true,” Renfield answered, “then we have the 2019 answer to that old question, Is the Pope Catholic? And that answer is, he isn’t.”

“Now regarding the situation in northern Syria,” Geeta went on, “Is it true that you sent your own personal Army Brigade of Gurkas over there to fight alongside the Kurds against Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s invading forces?”.

“It’s true,” Renfield answered as he ate a donair.

“And what do you think Erdogan has in mind in invading northern Syria?” Geeta queried.

“Well,” Renfield wiped his mouth with a napkin, “Erdogan’s attitude is if genocide was good enough for the Armenians in 1915, then it’s good enough for the Kurds in 2019.”

Renfield’s statement was met with a visceral reaction by the Turkish Ambassador in London who sent off a fiery letter of protest to the British Foreign Office.

Later when Renfield got home and was informed of the Turkish Ambassador’s note, Renfield thought to himself, “The Turkish Ambassador has obviously got his knickers in a knot.”

He immediately called the Sherrielock Holmes Dominatrix Agency to unknot the Turkish Ambassador’s knickers for him.

Later that night, the Turkish Ambassador was ambushed by 4 dominatrixes who pulled his pants down and cut up his underpants with scissors.

Geeta then asked Renfield, “What is your reaction to former Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt’s severe criticism of the Johnson government’s handling of Brexit that he made during a heated exchange in the European Parliament today?”.

“It made me seriously wonder whether we the British were correct in coming to the defence of Belgium back in 1914 when the Kaiser’s Germany invaded the country,” Renfield ate a plate of sauerkraut and sausages, “After all the evil Belgian King Leopold II committed genocide against 10 million Africans when he established a colony in the Congo not to mention robbing that country of most of its wealth thus making Belgium the wealthy spoiled brat country that it is today. We have to seriously ask ourselves was it worth it for the British Empire to declare war on Germany to come to Belgium’s defence thus setting in motion the First World War (with its resulting 4 years of horrific bloodshed) when had we ignored Belgium’s plight, the conflict would have remained strictly a European conflict rather than become a world wide conflict? Was it worth all that bloodshed to come to the aid of a country that is home to the world’s worst makers of Belgian waffles?”.

Renfield’s comment was met with a vitriolic reaction by the Belgian Ambassador to London who likewise sent off a fiery letter of protest to the British Foreign Office.

Later that night, the Belgian Ambassador was likewise ambushed by 4 leather skirted dominatrixes who pulled his pants down and cut up his underpants with scissors.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 9th
2019.

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Amazon On Fire

August 22, 2019 at 10:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Amazon On Fire

London-based private eyes Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie sat in the New York City office of Lev Tomi the Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change.

Unbeknownst to Magog and Agathor, Lev Tomi was a vampire.

Hence the reason for the late night meeting.

During his mortal life, Lev Tomi had been the Russian Communist Leon Trotsky.

Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie had recently been deported from Argentina as their investigation into a sex trafficking ring (with possible close ties to the Vatican) was getting a little too close for the powers that be behind the curtains who were secretly running the world.

“Gentlemen,” Lev Tomi took off his wire rimmed spectacles and wiped them, “I want you to go down to Brazil and investigate and find out who’s responsible for setting all the wild fires that are currently burning up the Amazon rain forests which are the lungs of planet Earth.”

“Well according to Jair Bolsonaro the President of Brazil, the ones who set the fires are the NGOs of Brazil since his government slashed funding to them,” Magog noted.

“And do you believe him?” Lev Tomi stroked his dark goatee beard.

“No,” Magog shook his head, “They don’t call him the Donald Trump of Brazil for nothing.”

“Will you take the case?” Tomi asked.

“We will,” Magog agreed.

. . .

Meanwhile at the Vatican, Cardinal JM (which was his code name) the head of the Vatican Secret Intelligence Service was secretly pleased about the wild fires happening in the Amazon rain forest.

The reason was the upcoming Synod On The Amazon which was being held at the Vatican this coming October.

Cardinal JM and his fellow pagan cardinals at the Vatican (which was actually a great many of them) were hoping to use that synod to overturn 2000 years of Catholic doctrine and liturgy.

And they were hoping to use the ecological crisis facing the Amazon region of South America to be able to do just that.

. . .

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and French President Emmanuel Macron were meeting in Paris to discuss Brexit and the question of the Irish backstop on the Republic of Ireland/Northern Ireland border.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel in her meeting with Johnson in Berlin yesterday said that if Johnson could come up with a solution to the Irish backstop problem within 30 days, she would be willing to listen.

Macron, on the other hand, like most pompous and arrogant French leaders, was not so accommodating.

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun (who liked to drink and sleep with part of his body on one half of the Irish border and the other part of his body on the other) watched the Johnson-Macron meeting live on his Samsung Galaxy tablet while drinking from a large keg of Jameson Whiskey and recalling how he had once saved all of Ireland from the Prussian invasion of 1807.

Or was it the Napoleonic invasion of 1808?

He always got those two years and two invasions mixed up for some reason.

The leprechaun fell asleep.

. . .

The Byzantine vampiress Theodora was wearing a red Italian Renaissance era style dress and walking down the steps and corridors of the ancient Italian city of Ravenna.

She smiled when she saw Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing approach.

“Your Vampiric Majesty,” Dracul greeted her, “I need your help in stopping Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s Turkish army from invading northern Syria and massacring Kurds and Christians.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 22nd
2019.

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Pan Goatee’s Uglocide Evening, Macron’s Whining, Malachi Martin Anniversary and Roy Cohn’s Pretty Boy

July 27, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Uglocide Evening, Macron’s Whining, Malachi Martin Anniversary and Roy Cohn’s Pretty Boy

Pan Goatee had just entered the grocery store and went to pick up a cart when a medium sized ugly looking blimp approached to pick up a cart.

Goatee beat the blimp in picking up a cart first and then promptly beheaded the blimp.

“One must show patience,” remarked some idiotic bystander.

“You can spend all eternity showing patience,” Goatee answered as he beheaded the man.

Goatee then picked up the items he wanted to buy and then went and stood in line at the cashier.

Some ugly looking female stoat-human hybrid (in one of the many genetics experiments in southern Alberta gone horribly wrong) then went and rudely walked down the aisle past the customers waiting in line just to exit instead of using the proper exit.

Goatee then leapt across cash registers, got in front of the ugly looking female stoat human hybrid and beheaded her with his astral machete remarking, “You’re the best argument ever against the erroneous concept of white supremacy.”

Goatee wished he could track down the Nazi criminals from Argentina who had settled down in Calgary back in the 1990s and performed horrendous and blasphemous genetic experiments whose rotten hideous looking fruit were now coming to fruition in the teens decade of the early 21st Century.

But the Nazi criminals having done their damage apparently fled elsewhere.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron sat in his office feeling depressed.

In addition to being turned down for quickies from all the older women he had propositioned in Parisienne sidewalk cafés on this Saturday evening, Donald Trump had tweeted a nasty tweet against him earlier this week.

Macron was thinking of imposing a digital sales tax on American corporate tech giants when they sold items over the Internet in France.

Trump tweeted that if Macron went ahead with this proposal, he Trump would impose a tariff on French wines when they were imported into America.

And then in the unkindest tweet of all, Trump had brutishly tweeted, “American wines are better than French wines.”

Now Macron sat at his desk drowning his sorrows in a bottle of Paul Masson wine.

. . .

“It was 20 years ago today that Malachi Martin the former Jesuit priest (who left the Jesuit order because it was too homosexual and too Marxist for his liking) and well known exorcist and popular best-selling author died,” Cardinal JM the head of the Vatican’s Secret Intelligence Service remarked to Samhain Cardinal Salaman a former professional stage magician turned Vatican cardinal.

“I remember hearing about that at the time,” Salaman remarked, “what caused his death?”.

“He apparently fell off a ladder while trying to retrieve a book from the top of his book shelf in his Manhattan New York apartment,” Cardinal JM sipped a Manhattan cocktail and ate a New York bagel, “although there are some people who believe he was pushed off that ladder.”

“By whom?” Cardinal Salaman asked.

“Well one theory is it was by demons,” Cardinal JM bit into a devilled egg, “and the other is it was by a priest or bishop or maybe even a cardinal who was full of the spirit of Vatican II.”

“I’ve heard that it was Malachi Martin’s book The Keys of This Blood that inspired Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to become a geopolitical analyst,” Cardinal Salaman sipped his coffee.

“I’ve heard that too,” Cardinal JM shrugged, “anyhow Malachi Martin’s July 27th 1999 death couldn’t have come at a better time for the Vatican.”

“Why is that?” Salaman ate his baked salmon.

“Well the Jubilee year of 2000 was approaching and many people were pissed that the Catholic Church had never released the Third Secret of Fatima which it was supposed to have done in 1960 according to the Virgin Mary’s instructions,” Cardinal JM started eating a Belgian waffle, “but the Vatican plan after John XXIII was only to release the vision associated with the Third Secret not the text (Mary’s spoken words) of the Secret itself. However that posed a problem after Malachi Martin (who was the secretary to the Vatican Jesuit Cardinal Augustin Bea in 1960) left the Jesuit order. Martin as secretary to Cardinal Bea had read the Third Secret although he had taken an oath not to reveal it. And he never did reveal it. Although he dropped vague hints as to what was in it when he appeared on Art Bell’s Coast-To-Coast AM radio program back in the late 1990s. So the Vatican could never release the vision of the Third Secret and claim it was the text (Mary’s actual words) while Martin was still alive because then Father Martin would have said that the Vatican was full of you know what.”

Cardinal JM wiped his mouth with a napkin after eating a chocolate covered figure of a bull.

“Why doesn’t the Vatican want the text (Mary’s words) of the Third Secret released?” Cardinal Salaman asked.

“Well of course the Vatican has no problem with the global war or the fire falling from heaven causing tsunamis of steam to fall across the nations of the world everywhere or millions of people dying by the minute that’s mentioned in the Third Secret,” Cardinal JM cheerfully ate a gingerbread horse of the Apocalypse, “what it does have a problem with is Mary saying that Satan will infiltrate to the very top of the Church itself. Catholics across the world might stop dropping their money in the collection plate if word on that got out.”

“A wise decision indeed,” Cardinal Salaman bit into his Montreal smoked meat sandwich.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was in New York City.

What brought him to New York were appearances of notorious American lawyer Roy Cohn’s ghost appearing across the world.

Whitstable deduced that Hades and Persephone had granted Cohn’s ghost permission to leave the Underworld for some reason.

So Whitstable had gone to New York to find out more about Cohn’s background.

The Interpol detective knew that Cohn had been Chief Counsel to the notorious Wisconsin Senator Joe McCarthy back in the 1950s.

He had also represented and defended several New York City Italian crime family bosses back in the 1970s.

Whitstable was currently interviewing an old acquaintance of Cohn in a run down New York City apartment.

The informer wore an empty cement bag on his head and a pair of used Nike running shoes on his feet so he wouldn’t be recognized.

“Well, Roy died of AIDS back in 1986,” the informer said.

“AIDS?” Whitstable repeated the statement.

“But Roy wasn’t gay,” the informer stated emphatically, “he always said that he enjoyed having sex with men. But he always insisted that he wasn’t gay.”

“Okay,” Whitstable nodded.

“But Sen. Joe McCarthy was gay,” the informer went on, “Roy’s personal secretary mentioned that in the book she was going to publish had she lived. But McCarthy covered it up during his life time. Being gay was the kiss of death for a U.S. politician in the 1950s. Unlike today where it seems to be working out very well for the current Mayor of South Bend, Indiana.”

“So Cohn said that he enjoyed having sex with men,” Whitstable took notes, “were they all one night stands or did he ever have a long term relationship with a man?”.

“There was one he had,” the informer answered, “in fact Cohn said in a public interview back in 1980 that this man used to call him 18 to 20 times a day each day. So you can see how intense the relationship was. This man also said himself in a public interview back in 1980 that Cohn protected him to the point of viciousness.”

“Wow,” Whitstable agreed, “That does sound pretty intense. Who was this man?”.

“The current occupant of the Oval Office in the White House,” the informer replied.

Roy Cohn and a mascara and make-up wearing young Roman soldier Donald Trump having a gay old time at a New York City nightclub on Saturday June 24th 1972.
The photo accompanied a story in the New York City edition of The Times of London on Monday June 26th 1972.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 27th
2019.

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