Reblog of Aphrodite At Oxford

January 24, 2021 at 11:35 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote from last year.

Dracul Van Helsing

Aphrodite At Oxford 

The Greek goddess Aphrodite writing her term paper on the Native American myths surrounding the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo

The Greek goddess Aphrodite had recently returned from the town of Stettler, Alberta, Canada where she had been researching Cree and Blackfoot indigenous myths on the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo.

She was putting the finishing touches on her term paper for the class she was taking in World Mythology and Folklore.

The class was taught by Prof. William Charles an Associate Professor of Mythology, Folklore, Vampirism, Lycanthropy and Paranormal Studies at Oxford.

His class was extremely popular and hard to get into.

Nevertheless the Greek goddess Aphrodite when visiting Prof. William Charles in his office before the start of this semester was able to convince the famed supernaturalist into letting her into class even though she had no previous formal education.

The…

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Aphrodite At Oxford

February 3, 2020 at 11:47 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Aphrodite At Oxford 

The Greek goddess Aphrodite writing her term paper on the Native American myths surrounding the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo

The Greek goddess Aphrodite had recently returned from the town of Stettler, Alberta, Canada where she had been researching Cree and Blackfoot indigenous myths on the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo.

She was putting the finishing touches on her term paper for the class she was taking in World Mythology and Folklore.

The class was taught by Prof. William Charles an Associate Professor of Mythology, Folklore, Vampirism, Lycanthropy and Paranormal Studies at Oxford.

His class was extremely popular and hard to get into.

Nevertheless the Greek goddess Aphrodite when visiting Prof. William Charles in his office before the start of this semester was able to convince the famed supernaturalist into letting her into class even though she had no previous formal education.

The subject Underwater Basketweaving While Emerging From A Giant Oyster Shell On The Beaches of Cyprus wasn’t considered a valid academic course in the view of Oxford University.

Although it was recognized by most American colleges and universities as such in order to get the best high school athletes into their college football and basketball programs.

But after a little gentle persuasion from Aphrodite, the famed supernaturalist let the goddess into his class.

Outside the window of the Greek goddess Aphrodite’s dorm room, the Greek god Ares was endeavouring to get inside as he hadn’t seen his sometime girlfriend ever since she started at Oxford.

It just so happened that strolling along the grounds between the various halls and dormitories was the Celtic stag god Cernunnos with his trusted crossbow and arrow (that he used to kill deer hunters).

Cernunnos was heading to an Oxford artists’ studio where he would be posing as a model and subject for Oxford art students to draw and paint.

The original model scheduled for today’s art session had been an Australian named Uncle Ernie (who had once modelled for Salvador Dali).

But Uncle Ernie had been arrested at London’s Heathrow Airport earlier today for trying to enter the country illegally.

When the totally nude and jock less Uncle Ernie had approached the female UK Customs and Immigration officer and said, “I have nothing to declare”, the agent looking at the body parts Uncle Ernie was trying to cover said that she wholeheartedly agreed but nonetheless facial recognition had determined that Uncle Ernie was on Interpol’s watch list of “characters of dubious reputation and ill repute”.

Within seconds, Uncle Ernie found himself on the floor in handcuffs.

Meanwhile back at the Quad on Oxford, Cernunnos had shot the Greek god Ares in the backside with an arrow.

The resulting commotion and screaming caused Aphrodite to open her dorm window which sent Ares plummeting to the Quad grounds below.

Seeing as how Ares was an Olympian immortal, all he would suffer on this day was a pain in the neck and a pain in the backside.

Aphrodite meanwhile grabbed her finished term paper and headed to Prof. William Charles’ office.

The two spent hours long into the Oxonian night discussing the Native American myth of how the great horned buffalo came to be.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday February 3rd 
2020

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Venus In Furs

August 3, 2019 at 8:44 pm (Humour, Mythology, Poetry) (, , )

Venus In Furs

It was a night 
With much in sight 
And Ares danced
In Paris France

Temperatures were hot 
So no fox trot
Cannot do the rumba
Because of sidewalk gumba

A tango would sizzle
So leave it for drizzle 
To dance in puddles
With Gene Kelly cuddles 

Those disco nights 
would burst one’s tights 
And definitely no wind
To fly one’s kites

It’s quite the heat wave 
no night for a rave
Temperatures soar
like furnace roar

Humidity heat
To Dante’s inferno beat
A night to sweat 
Don’t walk your pet

Sidewalk egg will fry
And the hen will sigh
Fahrenheit is really high 
The fan will soon die

From overwork
It’s quite the quirk
Ice from soda jerk
Beams up James Kirk

A night you won’t forget
Like a Hellbound jet
Sauna rooms to let
Still vacant yet

And so Ares does dance
In Paris France
Minus his pair of pants
Saying take a chance

Meanwhile in her room 
On a night of doom 
Aphrodite wears 
More than perfume

Greek goddess Aphrodite goes totally insane:

Venus in furs

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday August 3rd
2019
Inspired by the recent heat wave 
hitting Europe

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Allatallahbel and The Baptist Painting and Pan Goatee

June 26, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Allatallahbel and The Baptist Painting and Pan Goatee

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and her army of 12 Vampiric Knights-Templar were in North America.

They were here to steal a previously unknown Leonardo Da Vinci painting that was in a private art collection.

The painting was of a shocking subject- Saint John the Baptist encountering the Greek goddess Aphrodite by the River Jordan.

Although the event was not mentioned in the New Testament, it was mentioned in an ancient copy of an Epistle written by Polycarp the Bishop of Smyrna that Allatallahbel found in the Vatican Archives and that had never been released or published by the Vatican.

Shortly after finding the Polycarp manuscript, Allatallahbel was eating a live parrot called Polly and a live carp (goldfish) called Goldie when she received a text message from one of her disciples – a book editor with a major New York City publishing company.

The editor was in possession of a yet to be published Dan Brown manuscript.

In the manuscript, Robert Langdon is called in to examine a previously unknown Leonardo Da Vinci painting in which Saint John the Baptist meets the Greek goddess Aphrodite by the River Jordan.

Apparently according to the Brown manuscript, the painting is in the private collection of a western Canadian rancher and cattle baron.

Brown said in the book that the incident of the meeting between the Baptist and Aphrodite is mentioned in an unpublished ancient manuscript of an Epistle of Polycarp the Bishop of Smyrna.

Allatallahbel wet her panties when she read the text message.

Then she remembered that she wasn’t wearing any panties.

She immediately took off the silver evening dress she was wearing (which now had gold coloured stains all over the front) and called for her valet Parsifal to take her dress to the nearest Chinese laundromat in Rome and get it cleaned.

She then sat there in her chair naked and contemplated the night sky from the window of her Vatican penthouse apartment.

She and the Vampiric Knights-Templar had seized control of the Vatican on October 13th of last year.

Priests entered the room to remove the parrot feathers and goldfish scales left on her plate.

They were undisturbed by the sight of Allatallahbel’s nudity as almost all the priests who worked here in the papal apartments under Pope Francis were gay.

Allatallahbel picked up her smart phone and called the book editor.

The book editor was shocked to hear that the Polycarp manuscript really did exist.

As Polly and the carp waged war in Allatallahbel’s stomach, the Vampiress Priestess of Baal mentioned that in all likelihood the Da Vinci painting existed as well.

She asked what was it in Brown’s manuscript that Robert Langdon had been asked to look for in the Da Vinci painting of the Baptist meeting Venus.

The editor replied that the painting contained clues to the whereabouts of Solomon’s hidden treasure.

Allatallahbel wet her panties again.

Then she remembered that she wasn’t wearing panties or even a dress for that matter.

She stood up and rang the bell 🛎 calling for one of the priest papal secretaries.

“Father Antonio, I think you better take this Alexander VI Rodrigo Borgia Renaissance upholstered chair down to Vatican maintenance and get it steam cleaned,” Allatallahbel directed.

“Very well, your priestlyness,” Father Antonio bowed.

Allatallahbel pulled up an old 1930s handcrafted arm chair for Benito Mussolini and sat down.

“I hope this doesn’t give me splinters,” Allatallahbel thought to herself as she sat down, “My buttocks are very sensitive.”

She asked the book editor to check into the whereabouts of this rancher’s private art collection and see if it actually existed.

This past May 17th, Allatallahbel got a call from the editor.

The Da Vinci painting formally entitled The Baptist Meets Venus did exist, the Western Canadian rancher existed as did his private art collection which contained the painting.

Allatallahbel wet her panties again on hearing this news but fortunately she was wearing panties this time.

A quick blow with her hair dryer should remove the wet stain on the front of her scarlet coloured evening dress that she’d be wearing while holding the gold plated and diamond and ruby and gem studded Renaissance Medici Communion chalice at Mass this evening.

. . .

Baphomet as he picked his nose at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem was quite pleased to hear that Allatallahbel had managed to track down the location of the Da Vinci Baptist Meets Venus painting.

Soon he’d learn the location of Solomon’s hidden treasure.

He ate some goat’s cheese as he stroked his large female breasts and fondled his male phallus.

. . .

Allatallahbel and the 12 Knights-Templar were in the largest city closest to the cattle rancher’s cattle ranch.

Apparently the rancher kept his private art collection not at his ranch house (where the cow hands were always setting fire 🔥 to the place as they drank whiskey and beer and toasted marshmallows and ate pork and beans and broke wind as they could not keep quiet 🤫 their gastronomic symphony) but in his maternal grandmother’s small inconspicuous looking house in the city.

Allatallahbel had gone to see the Vatican’s resident astrologer, spiritist medium and seer Cassandra Sibylline to get her horoscope done and find out what would be the most opportune date for her to steal the painting.

According to Cassandra Sibylline, the best date astrologically speaking was June 26th of this year – 5 days after the summer solstice and 2 days after the Feast of the Nativity of Saint John the Baptist (which was also International Fairy Day because it was also the Nativity of Puck Robin Goodfellow).

The seer and astrologer told Allatallahbel to have 13 people in the party of thieves.

That was no problem said the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

She’d take all 12 of her Vampiric Knights-Templar with her.

She should also bring along half a goat as well said the seer-astrologer.

“Half a goat?” Allatallahbel was shocked.

Cassandra Sibylline nodded yes.

At first Allatallahbel was going to raid a nearby goat farm and cut up half a goat 🐐 to take along on the thieving expedition.

But then she had heard about the DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee who was a genetically created satyr half-man and half-goat.

She’d bring him along on the mission.

Coincidentally Pan Goatee had recently assassinated the cattle rancher (who owned the Da Vinci painting) on orders of DARPA and the U.S. government.

So he was ideal.

Pan Goatee was to be picked up at his hotel while waiting for the thieving 13 to arrive.

Pan decided to take in the city’s transit system.

Big mistake.

He waited 45 minutes for his bus to arrive.

When they showed up, it was a student driver with two transit trainer officers with him.

Pan promptly beheaded all 3 carving the letter F into the student driver’s forehead.

A transit driver off work and sitting at the back then took over driving the bus.

At the next stop a whole bunch of people including an ugly looking woman got on.

Pan promptly beheaded the ugly looking woman and got off the bus.

He decided to go to McDonald’s and have a Big Mac.

He was then almost run over by an ugly looking girl riding a bike.

Pan Goatee promptly beheaded the girl and cut her up into tiny little pieces.

He then threw the bike into a trash bin and using nanites to pick up the small pieces of the ugly girl, he directed the grey goo spewing nanobots (that Prince Charles had once warned the world about in a speech years ago) to enter a pizza 🍕 take out and delivery place in the nearby mall and to deposit the pieces on the Vegan Vegetarian Pizza 🍕 Special of the day.

Pan Goatee then walked across the street to catch another bus.

There was a fat ugly blimp standing at the bus stop likewise waiting for a bus.

Pan Goatee promptly beheaded her saying, “Why can’t you fat ugly cows stay in the barn where you belong? Your milk is probably full of botulism causing bacteria anyways.”

Goatee then caught a bus on the other side of the street.

Returning to his hotel, he went into the hotel bar to have a drink only to discover that the bartender was an ugly looking woman.

He promptly beheaded her and put the head on top of a Harley-Davidson parked outside.

Finally Allatallahbel and her Knights-Templar arrived.

They immediately drove the van to the rancher’s grandmother’s house to pick up the painting.

After waterboarding the rancher’s grandmother in the basement, the elderly woman finally told Allatallahbel where the painting was located.

They then walked outside where they discovered the van had been stolen by one of the city’s numerous auto theft gangs.

They were forced to catch a transit bus.

However when an ugly looking woman got on the bus and Pan Goatee beheaded her, the bus driver kicked the whole lot of them off the bus.

They were then forced to wait for the next bus.

Allatallahbel was worried about getting to the airport on time to catch the plane ✈️.

As the next bus pulled up, a man in a wheelchair attempted to get off.

Because he was taking so long to get off the bus, Allatallahbel who was busy looking at the Rolex on her wrist immediately grabbed Pan Goatee’s astral laser machete and cut the man up into tiny pieces.

The bus driver who was also running behind schedule allowed the band of thieves to get on the bus.

When an ugly looking school girl attempted to get off at the back of the bus, Pan Goatee likewise beheaded her.

“You’ve got to start when they’re young as the teachers in the Jesuit order always used to say,” Pan Goatee smiled a knowing smile to Allatallahbel.

Just then, Pan Goatee got a text message on his smart phone from Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA that orders had come down from the very top of the U.S. government for the satyr contract assassin to assassinate the entire Board of Directors of Harley Davidson.

“Duty calls,” Goatee again smiled at Allatallahbel and then dialled the number cancelling his hotel room for the night and booking a plane flight to Milwaukee Wisconsin.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 26th
2018.

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Renfield and Amadeus In Rome

March 27, 2014 at 7:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus In Rome

“So what are we doing in Rome?” Amadeus asked Renfield as he bought a plate of spaghetti and meatballs from a Roman street spaghetti vendor.

“Thought I’d do a little catch up on my hobby of blackmail and extortion,” Renfield replied, “I find my other hobby of stamp collecting starts to get boring after a while. Plus licking the back of all those stamps starts to leave a nasty stain on the tongue.”

“Who are you trying to blackmail in Rome?” Amadeus asked as he spilled spaghetti all over his tuxedo.

“I hear there are some U. S. Secret Service agents who remained behind in one of the rooms of the Vatican after today’s meeting between President Obama and Pope Francis,” Renfield smiled and helped himself to a meatball off Amadeus’ bow tie, “so I thought I’d see what they were up to.”

“Didn’t 3 agents get sent home for drunken behavior in Amsterdam a few days ago?” Amadeus asked as he decided to open a pack of chop sticks to eat his spaghetti instead of using his hands.

“They did,” Renfield looked at the video of the non-blackmail paying Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan eating a barbeque pulled pork sandwich he was about to upload to YouTube oblivious to the fact that Turkey had just blocked its citizens’ access to YouTube, “and back in April 2012 twelve U.S. secret service agents were found guilty of gross misconduct for cavorting with prostitutes ahead of a summit in Cartagena Colombia that President Obama was attending.”

“I wonder how you get to be a U.S. Secret Service agent,” Amadeus mused out loud.

“They’re in this room here according to Google Maps and the G.P.S. signal I’m receiving,” Renfield burst through the door and started flashing pics with his iPhone.

“Oh shit,” the Secret Service agent cried out who was undergoing an enema treatment from an Italian courtesan dressed in a Renaissance evening gown.

In this orgy of U.S. Secret Servants and Italian courtesans were to be found the Greek Vampiress Aphrodite dancing in the nude and a bald-headed and extremely obese dwarf (who was none other than the Greek Vampire Dionysus) pouring wine.

“God, I’ve captured in seconds what would have probably taken Michelangelo years to paint,” Renfield cackled above the moans and groans of secret service agent and courtesan alike.

“I suppose you’re referring to Michelangelo the Renaissance sculptor and painter and not the Boss’ genetically created psychic lobster,” Amadeus helped himself to some of Aphrodite’s oysters.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 27th
2014.

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