Hagia Sophia, Erdogan’s Surprise and Qonzilqointec

July 24, 2020 at 10:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

“Satan’s target is the Sacrifice of the Mass and the Real Presence of Jesus in the Consecrated Host.”
-Cardinal Robert Sarah of Guinea

Raphael du Lac was an intelligence operative for a military commander.

He recorded video on his smart phone of the Friday prayer service at Hagia Sophia which had just been converted back into a mosque by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan the would-be Sultan of a Revived Ottoman Empire.

That night in an Istanbul cafe, Raphael showed the video recordings to his military commander Vlad III of Wallachia aka Vlad Tepes aka Vlad the Impaler.

But better known to the world as Prince Dracula.

Prince Dracula allied with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora against Erdogan.

. . .

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan went to bed this Friday evening feeling immensely pleased with himself.

He read a congratulatory message from Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.

Xi said that he had instructed that the Hagia Sophia Friday prayer service (which was livestreamed as it happened) be shown on People’s Republic of China state television.

What a splendid fellow this Xi is, Erdogan thought to himself as he washed his Chinese tea down his throat with a Turkish coffee.

The Turkish President had also received an envelope sent to him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

What would Renfield be sending him, Erdogan wondered as he opened the envelope.

It was an illuminated medieval manuscript page.

Canto XXVIII of The Inferno of Dante’s Divine Comedy.

The medieval writing was written in Latin.

Erdogan’s knowledge of Latin was miniscule.

Non-existent in fact.

The only person whose knowledge of Latin was possibly worse than his was Pope Francis.

Erdogan immediately sent for a Latin scholar to translate Canto XXVIII of The Inferno of Dante’s Divine Comedy.

When the scholar translated the passage, Erdogan hit the roof.

Looking up at the night sky and the huge assembling mass of bats through the now empty hole in the ceiling, Erdogan vowed to kill Renfield.

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was walking the streets of Rome on a quiet July evening.

She walked past a near empty cafe where the only customer sitting on the sidewalk was a man with a laptop listening to a Renfield R. Renfield podcast.

She heard Renfield’s voice saying, “I’m not going to ask the question what sort of perverted prophet would have sexual relations with a six year old girl child bride? No, I’m not going to mention that…”

Qonzilqointec continued walking down the street.

She paused to look in the distance at Saint Peter’s Basilica:

Just as the Crescent Moon now formally flew above the Hagia Sophia, soon she realized it would only be a matter of time before the Red Star formally flew over the Vatican.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 24th
2020.

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To Overthrow Maduro

February 1, 2018 at 11:31 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

To Overthrow Maduro

Renfield R. Renfield MP was sitting in his parliamentary office drinking from his Churchillian bottle of brandy.

Churchill’s image once again left the oil painting of Sir Winston Churchill that hung in Renfield’s office and sat in the chair across from him.

“So has Dr. Cadbury Rocher brought the vampire Dracula back from the dead so we can use him as our ally in the war against Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s coming revised Ottoman Empire?” Churchill asked.

“He has,” Renfield nodded, “but I’m afraid our dear old Count will have to rest for awhile so that his buttocks can recover from the sound tomatoing that dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes gave him.”

“Hm, pity,” Churchill drank from his spectral bottle of brandy, “so Sherrielock Holmes as an immortal is very much alive. I remember I had my own buttocks tomatoed 🍅 on occasion by the lovely Miss Holmes.”

“Her whip really does seem to get around,” Renfield felt a tingling in his own buttocks.

“I think our next plan should be to overthrow the government of the Marxist despot Nicolas Maduro in Venezuela,” Churchill finished his spectral bottle of brandy.

“And what do you have in mind?” Renfield asked.

“Listen carefully,” said Churchill as he lit a spectral cigar.

Renfield drew closer and immediately started choking on the ghostly smoke 💨.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 1st
2018.

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Klondike Kate and The Pantages Film

January 28, 2018 at 11:02 pm (Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Klondike Kate and The Pantages Film

Dracul Van Helsing was in London England where he had been asked to meet his friend Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

Dracul was to meet Whitstable in the old film projectionist’s room of an old movie 🎥 theatre.

“Hello, Dracul,” Whitstable was putting an old reel of film through an old film projector.

“Wow, this takes me back to my childhood days when all movie theatres were like this before the advent of the big multiplex cinemas,” Dracul looked around.

“I found this old film reel at an antique collectibles store in Paris,” Whitstable explained as he turned on the projector, “it’s most likely a copy of a copy of a copy that was shot way back but still in good condition.”

“How way back was it shot?” Dracul inquired who was wishing he had a carton of hot buttered popcorn 🍿 with him as he looked through the projectionist’s window and out on to the old classic theatre seats.

“1902,” Whitstable answered, “during the dying days of the Klondike Gold Rush.”

“Really?” Dracul was impressed.

He had been raised in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada during the days when they still had an interesting summer festival called Klondike Days when entire families would dress in Klondike attire and celebrate the days of the Klondike Gold Rush in the Yukon which hit its peak in 1897.

Klondike Days was later replaced by a boring summer festival called Capital Ex (which most Edmontonians called the Ex Lax Festival).

It was now called K-Days which gave the impression that the old Klondike Days theme had been restored but really it hadn’t.

“Yes, it shows an interesting encounter between the real Klondike Kate and Alexander Pantages,” Whitstable winked.

Dracul had heard about the famous Klondike Gold Rush love affair between saloon dancer/brothel keeper Kathleen “Kitty” Rockwell and Alexander Pantages then a struggling waiter and bartender (who went on to found the famous Pantages chain of vaudeville and movie theatres across the U.S. and Canada) in Dawson City, Yukon.

“Of course,” Whitstable smiled, “you’ve probably heard about the claim made by a TV show called The Canadians in which it was said that the real Klondike Kate was actually a woman called Katherine Ryan who lived the adventures that Kathleen Rockwell borrowed for her own use.”

“I’ve heard that, yes,” Dracul acknowledged.

“Well this film which I’ve had authenticated by various film experts shows us indeed who was the real Klondike Kate in action with future motion picture theatre mogul Alexander Pantages,” said Whitstable in dramatic fashion.

After watching the reel of film (which would probably be considered soft porn by today’s movie standards), Dracul turned to Whitstable and said, “The real Klondike Kate was a vampiress.”

“So it would appear,” Whitstable lit a cigarette in a manner more reminiscent of the Smoking Man than Fox Mulder.

“She certainly bit him with her fangs and sucked his blood but she doesn’t seemed to have killed him or turned him into a vampire,” Dracul reflected, “if Pantages had become a vampire, he might have been able to beat that phony rape charge that Joseph Patrick Kennedy Sr. orchestrated against him in 1929 in his effort to destroy a motion picture rival.”

“Yes, a vampire would have made minced meat out of a slime ball like Kennedy,” Whitstable agreed.

“Any idea who this vampiress is?” Dracul asked.

“I’ve determined that her name was Katherine Van Dusen and she was apparently turned into a vampiress at a Wild West saloon called The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the town of Hayden Colorado back in the early 1880s,” Whitstable explained, “and the rumour which I’ve been unable to verify was that she was turned into a vampiress by Count Dracula himself.”

“The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon?” Dracul recognized the name from conversations he had with Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “Do you happen to know the name of the proprietress of this saloon?”.

“Sherrielock Holmes,” Whitstable answered.

Meanwhile Dr. Cadbury Rocher was having dinner with Dracula at the Savoy Hotel in London.

“Did I ever tell you that my great-grandmother is still alive?” Dr. Rocher picked up sirloin steak on his fork, “She’s immortal but she isn’t a vampiress.”

“Really? What’s her name?” Dracula asked over his roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

“Sherrielock Holmes,” Dr. Rocher answered.

Dracula’s face turned as white as the table cloth prior to his dumping gravy all over it at the mention of Sherrielock’s name.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 28th
2018.

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“Kiss Me, Kate” “Bite Me!”

January 27, 2018 at 11:30 pm (Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

“Kiss Me, Kate” “Bite Me!”

Dracula was in a second floor saloon bedroom at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the Wild West town of Hayden, Colorado making out with one of the saloon dancers 💃🏻- a woman named Katherine Van Dusen.

Sherrielock Holmes had told the Wallachian prince and Transylvanian nobleman (he held the title of Count of the Carpathians in the latter country) that he could make out with the saloon dancers 💃🏻 if he chose but she had put her spiked stiletto high-heeled foot down at the idea of turning any of them into vampiresses.

The Count was indeed getting it on with the red dress wearing Katherine Van Dusen whose red dress and black silk nylons were almost off at the moment.

“Kiss me, Kate!” Dracula shouted in the only line he knew from Shakespeare’s The Taming of The Shrew.

“Bite me!” Kate answered.

“What?” Dracula looked puzzled.

“Turn me into a vampiress!” Kate demanded.

“But do you know what your boss Sherrielock will do to me if I turn you into a vampiress?” Dracula raised one of his dark eyebrows.

“What are you?” Kate mocked him, “A vampire lord or a mouse 🐭?”.

“Well some people call bats 🦇 flying mice,” Dracula reflected.

“Shut up and bite me!” Kate showed the count her ivory white neck.

Dracula finally gave in and bit her on the neck.

“Suck me! Suck me! Suck me!” Kate screamed.

A phonetics and linguistics analysis professor who was in the next bedroom with another saloon dancer 💃🏻 remarked to his nocturnal companion, “I think that poor woman next door is unable to distinguish between an s and an f.”

Dracula had soon sucked Kate’s blood and then opened one of his veins and allowed Kate to suck his own.

Sherrielock, concerned by the shouting in Kate’s bedroom, had opened the door.

Miss Holmes’ face soon turned as white as the evening dress she was wearing.

“Dracula, you’ve turned one of my saloon girls into a vampiress,” Sherrielock hissed.

She ran to her office and pulled a whip and a cat o’ nine tails out of her desk drawer.

She then ran back into the room and said to the Count, “I’m going to tomato 🍅 your buttocks until they’re as red as the glistening liquid substance on your fangs.”

Dracula quickly turned into a bat 🦇 and got the Hell out of there.

“Meatloaf is ready!” The saloon cook shouted from downstairs.

Sherrielock looked out the room’s open window and shouted in the direction of the flying bat 🦇, “You can rest assured, Dracula, that someday the two of us will meet again. And when we do, there will be Hell to pay.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 27th
2018.

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Dracula Meets Sherrielock Holmes

January 26, 2018 at 10:02 pm (Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , )

Dracula Meets Sherrielock Holmes

Sherrielock Holmes did come downstairs wearing a lovely black evening dress.

She asked Belvedere her bartender, “Where are the troublemakers?”.

“They’ve left,” said Belvedere.

“Who are you?” Sherrielock Holmes asked the elegant stranger standing at the bar.

“The name,” the stranger bowed courteously, “is Dracula.”

“Dracula,” Sherrielock smiled a knowing smile, “like Vlad III the medieval 15th Century prince of Wallachia.”

Dracula gasped.

He didn’t think anyone outside Eastern Europe had heard of him.

This, Dracula thought to himself, was one intelligent woman.

Which made her a force to be reckoned with.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 26th
2018.

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The Awesome Blogger Award

January 23, 2018 at 10:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Awesome Blogger Award

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was making out with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in a luxurious hotel room in Bucharest, Romania.

Downstairs in the lobby, Dr. Cadbury Rocher was giving Vlad III Tepes the Impaler Dracula a history lesson on what’s been happening in the world throughout the entire 20th Century and the 1st 17 years of the 21st.

By all accounts, Dracul Van Helsing and Qonzilqointec were having the more enjoyable time.

“I hear you’ve been nominated for the Awesome Blogger Award, Dracul,” Qonzilqointec gasped in ecstasy as she climaxed yet again.

“That’s right, I have been nominated for the Awesome Blogger Award,” Dracul answered as he moved in for the Kama Sutra Lifetime Achievement Award.

“I would have to agree, you are an awesome blogger!” Qonzilqointec admitted as she orgasmed for the 69th time in this lovemaking session.

“Thank you,” Dracul thought that his childhood hero Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise would be so proud of him right now.

“Who nominated you?” The sexy Aztec vampiress asked.

“A fellow blogger Ortensia72 who lives in Dublin, Ireland 🇮🇪,” Dracul replied.

“Isn’t Dublin the home of Guinness Draught?” Qonzilqointec queried as she underwent a volcanic eruption 🌋.

“It is,” Dracul re-enacted Robin Hood hitting the bull’s eye at a Nottingham archery tournament, “Drinking a Guinness draught and reading a Van Helsing blog post seem to go well together.”

“Well, I currently like where a Van Helsing is posting now,” the Aztec vampire princess gasped, “so all I need is a Guinness draught.”

“We can order some from room service,” Dracul suggested.

“What question were you asked in getting nominated for the award?” Qonzilqointec purred like a kitten.

“Savoury or sweets?” Dracul remembered the question.

“And what was your answer?” She came as Dracul entered new terrain.

“Savoury of course,” Dracul replied, “I’ve always liked my sex extremely spicy 🌶.”

“And who do you nominate?” She pressed her lips against him.

“Every blog I read has an awesome blogger behind it,” said Dracul, “so I nominate them all.”

“And what question will you ask them?” Qonzilqointec waved a leopard skin tanga above her head.

“Where was the most unusual place you made love?” Dracul framed the question in Perry Mason like courtroom fashion.

“And where do you think was the most unusual place we made love?” Qonzilqointec started to hum that old song Thanks For The Memories.

“Probably when we made love in the clock tower of Big Ben at the Westminster Parliament just before they closed the tower down for several years as it undergoes construction 🔨,” Dracul recalled.

Meanwhile in the lobby, Dracula had fallen asleep 😴 when Dr. Cadbury Rocher started reading aloud from the U. S. Congressional Record debating the federal budget for the U.S. Government fiscal year 1952-53.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 23rd
2018.

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