Kim Kardashian Meets The Vampire Set

November 20, 2014 at 7:48 pm (Entertainment, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Television) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Kim Kardashian Meets The Vampire Set

The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been laid up in his sarcophagus for the past month with a very severe case of irregularity.

It was a result of eating an entire horse in a fancy London restaurant almost a month ago.

On the table beside his sarcophagus were several Get Well cards sent to him by various people.

A Get Well card from Watson Holmes the man who was the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises (the Egyptian vampire’s research and development firm).

A Get Well Card and a bouquet of flowers from Miss Miranda Singh who was the secretary and office manager for Watson Holmes.

An I Heard You Were Sick card sent to him by a disgruntled former employee Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Dr. Rocher had sent along a wooden stake as well along with the note Insert Directly Into Heart.

He also received a Get Well card from a London private eye- a Mr. Randall Hopkins.

Set wondered if it was the same man who stood outside the windows of his room every night after sundown and took photos of him with his iPhone when Set’s sarcophagus was open.

The man left just before sunrise (at the same time Set was closing his sarcophagus lid).

Set also received a Get Well card as well as a basket of fruit from his own personal concert pianist Mr. Amadeus Emanon.

From Michelangelo his company’s genetically created psychic lobster, he received a gift certificate for a seafood restaurant- good for all items on the menu with the exception of all lobster entrees.

From Renfield R. Renfield his shapeshifting hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering, he received… an autographed photo… of Renfield R. Renfield (the same gift Renfield gave to everybody on birthdays, anniversaries and at Christmas).

For his ailment, Set tried every laxative and enema method under the sun.

No laxative seemed to work.

No enema…

… seemed to work…

… until…

… Kim Kardashian visited him this evening…

… with a bottle of champagne…

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 17th
2014.

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The Halloween Resurrection of Osiris

October 31, 2014 at 11:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Halloween Resurrection of Osiris

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was at Interpol’s International Headquarters in Lyon, France.

He was viewing some videos on his office computer.

For a while now, Whitstable suspected that the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was up to something in her secret laboratory below Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.

His suspicions heightened when he videotaped the Vampiress Isis pushing Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius to his death off the bell tower of Notre Dame Cathedral on the 1st of this month.

Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius landed on top of a Paris street corner poetry reciter who was reciting John Donne’s poem on For Whom The Bell Tolls at the time killing the poetic thespian in the process.

As Peter Whitstable was busy videotaping the whole thing and uploading it to his YouTube account, a young French woman standing next to him was busy calling 112 (the French emergencyonumber equivalent of the North American 911 emergency number) on her cell phone.

Whitstable saw the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec fly by as he was videotaping (quite literally fly by for the sexy evening dress wearing Vampiress suddenly turned from a beautiful woman into a midnight black vampire bat).

Then last Friday evening the 24th of October as he sat in a Parisienne cafe enjoying some fresh oysters and sipping champagne, he videotaped the Vampiress Isis having filet mignon and red Bordeaux wine with Dr. Cadbury Rocher the Chief Research Scientist for Set Enterprises in London.

He gathered while eavesdropping on their conversation that Dr. Cadbury Rocher no longer worked for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.

Apparently a dinner of steak and lobster, steak tartare and la viande de cheval at the St. James’ Court Hotel main dining room in London had gone horribly wrong the evening of Wednesday October 22nd 2014.

The result was Dr. Cadbury Rocher stood up at the table, quit his job and left (sticking the Vampire Set with the cheque).

As he exited, Dr. Rocher said he saw Dr. Henry Kissinger sitting at a table and overheard him tell former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on his cell phone that she should really buy herself a nuclear radioactive protection suit and start learning Russian.

“We will deal with the Russians when the appropriate time comes,” Isis ground her Black Sea oyster into fine dust with her bright gold painted fingernails.

Dr. Rocher had accepted Isis’ dinner table offer to come work for her.

On condition that she provide him with the necessary funding for his latest pet project Pegasus- an effort to genetically create the winged horse of Classical Greek mythology.

Isis agreed but first Dr. Rocher must for her re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of her brother, husband and lover Osiris and put them back together again.

Osiris had been vapourized into non-existence by a laser death ray fired at his returning spaceship by a Russian submarine when he attempted to return to Earth on December 21st 2012.

Hence Isis’ intense hatred of Vladimir Putin’s Russia.

. . .

Cardinal JM was gazing at a mysterious envelope placed on his desk in his Vatican office.

He did not recognize the handwriting on the envelope.

And he had no idea who put it there.

For his own personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe had gone down to Rome’s Sexually Transmitted Diseases Clinic for some reason.

Cardinal JM used his 3-headed dog Cerberus letter opener to open the envelope.

He reached inside.

What he read shocked him.

For it purported to be the text of The Third Secret of Fatima.

Although Cardinal JM did not personally believe in the apparitions of the Blessed Virgin Mary said to have appeared to three shepherd children near the village of Fatima, Portugal on 6 different occasions from May 13th to October 13th 1917 (although he never publicly expressed those views aloud during the pontificates of Popes John Paul II and Benedict XVI), what he read still intrigued him immensely.

Ever since Italian journalist Antonio Socci published his book The Fourth Secret of Fatima back in 2006, people had always wondered about Socci’s claim that it was only the “vision” associated with the Third Secret that the Vatican had released to the public back on June 26th 2000.

In the previous Two Secrets of Fatima, there were visions that the 3 children at Fatima were alleged to have seen and then there were accompanying texts- words alleged to have been spoken by the Virgin Mary to the 3 children explaining what the visions meant.

But in the Third Secret that the Vatican released back in 2000, there was only a “vision”- a vision of a Bishop dressed in white climbing up a steep mountain at the top of which was a big Cross of rough-hewn trunks- while climbing the mountain, the Bishop in White passed through a big city half in ruins and when he reached the top of the mountain- as he was on his knees at the foot of the Cross- he was killed by a group of soldiers who fired bullets and arrows at him.

But there was no text released- or words by the Virgin Mary explaining to the 3 children at Fatima what the vision meant.

Now here in front of him were supposedly the words (accompanying the vision) that were spoken by the Virgin Mary to the 3 shepherd children at Fatima.

Hm.

Very interesting.

As a worshipper of the Ancient Greek gods (in secret of course!), Cardinal JM longed to see such chaos in the Church and the world that the worship of the ancient gods would be restored to bring back stability.

Let’s say he were to fax a copy of the contents of this envelope to say… Russian President Vladimir Putin… would that not bring about the chaos in the Church and the world that he longed to see?

Cardinal JM went over to his old photocopier and copied the document that was inside the sealed envelope.

Then he went over to his fax machine and faxed the copy to Vladimir Putin’s office in the Kremlin.

He then stood at his office window overlooking Saint Peter’s Square.

He noticed a figure in the street below his window wearing a black Venetian masquerade mask, a black cape, a black hat and holding a black walking stick.

The figure looked up at Cardinal JM and spoke in a whisper.

But the words of the whisper seemed to echo through Saint Peter’s Square.

“Jacques de Molay, thou art avenged!”.

. . .

Renfield R. Renfield went to see his friend Amadeus Emanon in the hospital on this Halloween night.

For Amadeus was still in hospital recovering from shrapnel wounds he received when Renfield led a commando rescue mission on a Cornwall farmhouse to, as the British media put it, “Free his friend from the ISIS terrorists who were holding him hostage here in this sceptered isle.”

Renfield figured his friend would probably be feeling depressed because normally Amadeus liked going out trick or treating on Halloween night.

Renfield brought along a bag of chocolate bar and candy treats that Watson Holmes the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises had sent along as a gift for Amadeus.

He also brought along a pumpkin pie that had been baked for Amadeus by Miss Miranda Singh the secretary and office manager for Watson Holmes.

As his own gift Renfield brought along a couple of videos- the 1982 film Halloween III: Season of the Witch and the 1993 film The Nightmare Before Christmas for them to watch together as they ate the Halloween treats and the pumpkin pie.

Renfield also brought along a poster that said Halloween At The Hindenburg (The Hindenburg was a nightclub on Canada’s West Coast) and hung it on the wall in Amadeus’ room.

“Ever since a friend of mine sent me this poster a few weeks ago, I thought it would be cool to dress a dirigible up as the Hindenburg on Halloween and re-enact that May 1937 airship disaster,” Renfield beamed as he looked at the poster.

He then put on the video Halloween III: Season of the Witch for them to watch.

Outside Amadeus’ hospital window, a witch flew by on a broomstick.

. . .

Inside the secret laboratory of the Vampiress Isis below Notre Dame Cathedral, Dr. Cadbury Rocher was putting the finishing touches on all the equipment.

Rocher had discovered that the problem Isis and the late Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius had in trying to re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of Osiris was that they were not working with an original ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

They were working with a 3-D printer copy of an original.

And Dr. Rocher knew this because he recognized the gun as one he had made with a 3-D printer he had invented.

As brilliant as Dr. Cadbury Rocher was, even he hadn’t reached the level of intellectual sophistication of the ET grays he had to admit.

But Rocher knew how to get the original.

He knew where Renfield R. Renfield kept it on the Set Enterprises premises.

Isis passed this information along to her London private eye gumshoe spy Randall Hopkins who broke into Set Enterprises and stole the original ET gray’s laser death ray gun.

Now with the original in his possession, Rocher fired the laser death ray at the spot in the lab which held the sub-atomic particles of Osiris and then through the use of electromagnets, he reversed the flow of the ray.

Sure enough the sub-atomic particles of Osiris re-assembled themselves and came together again.

Isis shrieked with ecstasy.

Then she looked on in horror.

The sub-atomic particles of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl also started to re-assemble themselves (Quetzalcoatl was the spiritual godfather of her female vampiric arch-enemy and rival the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec).

Isis had forgotten that Quetzalcoatl’s returning spaceship had also been destroyed by the Russian submarine’s laser death ray.

And of course Quetzalcoatl’s sub-atomic particles would also have been collected along with Osiris’ when Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius was using his small scale working model of the CERN Large Hadron Collider to collect sub-atomic particles along the beach at Vancouver’s English Beach after the laser attack on the returning spaceships.

Osiris looked down at his re-assembled body and then screamed.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked down at the mathematical equation of the re-assembly process he had scribbled on a notepad and suddenly, noticing a slight miscalculation, said in a very very low voice, “Oops.”

“Of all the cosmic bad luck,” the ancient Egyptian vampire cried out in anguish, “it’s once again my phallus that’s missing whenever I’m put back together again.”

Isis screamed as well.

Her valet Cedarman who was on his cell phone immediately cancelled the order of Viagra he had placed on his mistress’ orders to celebrate this happy occasion.

Quetzalcoatl roared and breathed fire.

He then flapped his wings and flew out the air vent of the secret underground laboratory.

He made the air vent a lot larger by doing so due to his enormous size.

As he flew out over the City of Paris, he passed by a dirigible made up to look like the 1930s German airship The Hindenburg.

The Halloween Hindenburg burst into flames near the top of the Eiffel Tower.

To be continued.

-A Halloween vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the time period
Thursday October 30th
to
Friday October 31st
2014.

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Vampiress Isis Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

October 29, 2014 at 6:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, Movies, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Vampiress Isis Meets Dr. Cadbury Rocher In Paris

The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis felt like a school girl for some reason as she sat in a white dress in a Parisienne cafe on this Friday evening in mid-October.

And it had been well over 3000 years since she had last been a school girl.

She was about to meet Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was probably the greatest scientific mind of the early 21st Century.

Although few people had heard of him or known about his ability.

For Dr. Cadbury Rocher worked as a research scientist for her brother, brother-in-law, rival and arch-enemy the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.

No one knew how much money Set paid him for Set kept it a secret.

That way no government or private individual or corporation knew how much money to offer him to snatch his services away from Set.

Plus Dr. Cadbury Rocher was also bound to Set in some sort of strange Egyptian Black Magic blood oath ceremony involving the burning of 9 tana leaves, the drinking of 100 tea leaves and the smoking of 666 marijuana leaves.

Still that wasn’t as bad as a bunch of wealthy country club Republicans running around in the nude and burning an effigy of an infant to a giant 40 foot owl in a bizarre form of Moloch and Ishtar worship like what happens at the Bohemian Grove every summer near San Francisco.

Whenever Isis went through one of her dieting crazes, she always watched the unedited version of the Alex Jones filming of the Bohemian Grove ceremony which immediately killed her appetite.

She also could never bring herself to shake Henry Kissinger’s hand ever again whenever she met him after seeing the unedited version of that video.

A Parisienne lady of the evening had also given up one of her most frequent fellatio receiving clients after viewing the unedited video in Isis’ Paris penthouse apartment.

However despite Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s blood oath to Set, something had happened this past week that changed the nature of the relationship between Dr. Rocher and Set.

Isis found out about it in a phone call when a constantly yawning Randall Hopkins had phoned her in a very irritating phone call last Friday evening.

( For the reason why Randall Hopkins Private Eye was yawning please read

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2014/10/20/randall-hopkins-private-eye/ )

So Randall Hopkins had found out that Set Enterprises (the scientific research and development firm owned by Set) needed to cut $2 billion in expenditures from its operating budget according to an audit conducted by professional chartered accountant Ian Mandell Boring who went by his initials I. M. Boring.

Then two days ago on Wednesday morning Isis received a phone call from her London hired private eye gumshoe spy Randall Hopkins saying that he had just received a phone call from his Deep Throat source within Set Enterprises Miss Miranda Singh who was the secretary to Set Enterprises’ Executive Vice-President Watson Holmes.

Apparently Watson Holmes and the billionaire Egyptian vampire Set would be having a dinner meeting with
Dr. Cadbury Rocher that night in the main dining room of London’s St. James’ Court Hotel hoping that a good meal of steak and lobster would help ease the pain as they gently broke the news to Dr. Rocher that the $2 billion in cuts would be coming out of the good doctor’s laboratory research budget.

Miranda told the private eye that Dr. Rocher had consulted Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster (a lobster with amazing psychic abilities that Dr. Rocher had genetically created in the lab) at the morning coffee break on the Set Enterprises’ premises and asked him what would happen at the St. James’ Court Hotel steak and lobster dinner meeting with Set and Watson Holmes.

Michelangelo used his lobster antennae hooked up with wires to Dr. Rocher’s computer to communicate telepathically to the computer screen the cryptic remark that he had a bad feeling about the whole thing.

Randall Hopkins Private Eye maxed out his credit card by booking a last-minute reservation to the St. James’ Court Hotel main dining room and more specifically to a table right next to where Set, Watson Holmes and Dr. Cadbury Rocher would be sitting.

Fearing that Set and Watson Holmes might recognize him as the man who had sat next to their table at the Savoy Hotel main dining room last Friday night, Randall Hopkins wore a Halloween style pair of dark glasses and Groucho Marx mustache so as not to draw attention by making a spectacle of himself.

At the table on the other side of Randall Hopkins sat former U. S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger who was on his cell phone talking to elderly Hollywood actress and former sex symbol Mamie Van Doren.

Dr. Kissinger cooed and purred in his thick German accent over the phone, “Oooh, baby… I really loved you in that movie High School Confidential” as his glasses fogged up over the phone.

Mamie Van Doren.

That name sounded familiar to Randall Hopkins for some reason.

He had seen an old movie trailer for a Mamie Van Doren film on YouTube.

The announcer’s voice for the movie trailer said, “Mamie Van Doren in 3-D. She’ll knock both your eyes out” as the camera focused in on two huge protruding points near the top of Mamie Van Doren’s tight fitting sweater.

Meanwhile at the table on the other side of Randall Hopkins, Set and Watson Holmes had just informed Dr. Cadbury Rocher the unhappy news that $2 billion would be axed from his laboratory research budget.

“$2 billion?!” The lobster tail that Dr. Rocher spit out of his mouth upon hearing this news landed in Dr. Kissinger’s Baked Alaska as the former U.S. Secretary of State received an incoming phone call from Vladimir Putin threatening a nuclear missile attack on America.

“It could have been worse,” Watson Holmes sent back his over cooked steak tartare, “it could have been £2 billion that I. M. Boring suggested needed to be cut. Lucky for you that Mr. Boring got his accounting degree at an American rather than a British business school.”

“Still $2 billion,” Dr. Rocher wept into his lime sorbet, “this will mean the death of the Pegasus project.”

“I’m afraid so,” said Set who was so hungry that he was eating a horse although the menu listed it as la viande de cheval.

“But after all the things I’ve created and developed for you over the years that made you billions and billions,” Dr. Rocher did his best impersonation of astronomer Carl Sagan, “and this is the thanks I get.”

“Well it’s like the whip-wielding dominatrix said,” Set replied while remembering an experience he had in a nightclub of the Berlin of the 1920s, “it’s the bottom line that counts.”

“But it’s been my lifelong dream,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher licked the whipped cream off the gingerbread cookie gingerbread woman figure of Penelope Cruz, “to genetically create a winged horse like Pegasus of classical myth.”

“Well,” Set sighed as he ate the horse’s tail, “sometimes our dreams don’t always come true.”

He recalled his dream of banging his sister Isis on a hot steamy and sultry Egyptian night millenia ago- a dream that never came true.

(Psychiatrists and reality TV shows would have had a field day if they had been around in the days of ancient Egyptian royalty!)

“That does it,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher stood up to leave, “I quit. I resign my position at Set Enterprises. Blood oath or no blood oath. You can take your blood oath and shove it up your ass.”

Considering the immense constipation problem Set would have that night as a result of eating a whole horse, that might have made for an excellent enema.

. . .

And now the Vampiress Isis was hoping to convince Dr. Cadbury Rocher to come work for her.

And put her brother, husband and lover Osiris’ sub-atomic particles back together again.

At that moment a cock crew on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the time period
Friday October 24th
to
Wednesday October 29th
2014.

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Randall Hopkins Private Eye

October 20, 2014 at 4:03 pm (Detective story, Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Randall Hopkins Private Eye

Randall Hopkins was a Private Eye.

He had been hired by the Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis to spy on the activities of Set Enterprises- the scientific research and development firm owned by the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set who was Isis’ main rival and arch-enemy.

But after trying to spy on Set Enterprises for the past 2 years, he had nothing to show for it.

Now Isis was threatening to cut him off- financially (in terms of his fees) as well as a certain part of his anatomy.

Randall Hopkins broke out in a sweat when he received this threat from Isis over the phone.

He had no desire to sing soprano in the Saint Paul’s Cathedral Choir.

Then miraculously last weekend he happened to run into Miranda Singh who was a secretary to the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises Mr. Watson Holmes.

He ran into Miranda Singh in a cocktail bar in central London.

He remembered she had been wearing a very attractive purple dress.

They had struck up a conversation and then the next thing Randall Hopkins could remember after taking a sip of his Newcastle Brown Ale was waking up naked in her apartment.

There lying on top of her bed in a pink silk nightgown was the lovely Miranda Singh.

“So,” she batted her eyelashes at him, “was it as good for you as it was for me?”.

Randall Hopkins could not remember a single thing that happened so all he said was “Um, yes.”

Miranda said she’d call him if anything came up in relation to Set Enterprises.

Yesterday morning he got a phone call from Miranda saying the owner and CEO of the company Set as well as Watson Holmes would be meeting with a chartered accountant in the main dining room of London’s Savoy Hotel at 6 PM tonight.

So he Randall Hopkins had rented a tuxedo suit and bow tie and after spending the night before reading Mrs. Beeton’s Guide To Etiquette and Good Manners was now sitting at a table trying to remember what fork he should use to eat his starter salad.

He sat next to the table reserved for Set, Watson Holmes and the chartered accountant.

The three came in.

Set was a very sinister looking figure- what one would expect from a 3000-year old vampire.

Watson Holmes looked like the sort of person that might have been produced if actors Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce had been gay and had a relationship and had been capable of producing a child together.

The chartered accountant looked like a typical chartered accountant- pinstriped trousers, dark suit, white shirt and dark framed glasses.

The accountant whose name was Ian Mandell Boring but went by his initials professionally I.M. Boring dove into his briefcase and brought out a document and read in a monotone voice all the financial earnings of Set Enterprises this past year.

When he had finished, he nudged both Set and Watson Holmes to wake them up.

Meanwhile Randall Hopkins was now on his 21st cup of coffee to keep him awake after listening to I.M. Boring’s riveting reading of the Set Enterprises financial statements.

“So,” Set asked after he had ordered a quadruple cappuccino from the waiter, “what does this mean?”.

“It means,” I.M. Boring replied in monotone, “that you’re going to have to cut $2 billion somewhere in Set Enterprises’ expenditures.”

“I see,” Set downed the quadruple cappuccino in one gulp.

Hm. Set Enterprises needed to cut $2 billion somewhere, Randall Hopkins thought to himself.

He better find a phone booth to telephone the Egyptian Vampiress Isis the news.

For his own smart phone battery had died of boredom after listening to the chartered accountant’s spiel.

-To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 17th
2014.

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