Avalon Rising: A Poem

May 15, 2017 at 4:13 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Poetry, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

And so from Xanadu the mighty Kublai Khan might decree
but did he ever make out with the goddess Aphrodite?
Dracul Van Helsing thought while returning from Athens
and attending service of Glastonbury Abbey matins
among those ancient ruins
far from desert sand dunes.

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana visited Dracul
a break from campaigning against a werewolf fool
in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales
principality ruled by Charles Prince of Tails

Now this vampiress was a niece of Morgan Le Fay
for this vamp had been around since medieval day
and she told Dracul that he was descended from both Morgan Le Fay and King Arthur
making Dracul a king and not just a knight with a knighthood to be called “Sir”

For her aunt the sorceress Morgana and Arthur had another child besides Mordred
the one who at the battle of Camlann both he and Arthur mortally bled
this child was a girl sent to Ireland for safekeeping
as Camelot was overrun by blood and weeping

And Dracul was descended from this princess royal
who was born Morgan and Arthur’s child on Avalon soil

And so after hearing this from Morgana, he wandered far from Glastonbury Tor
this vampiric news that had him hit the ceiling and not the royal floor
he wandered across plains and through trees seeing a doe and her fawn
then he looked and saw the mists of Avalon rising through the dawn

Avalon Rising In The Mists of Dawn

He had once pulled a sword out of a stone in Cornwall many years ago
and now it looked like prophecy would unfold- Avalon’s rising- ’tis so.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday May 15th 2017.

Permalink 12 Comments

Michelangelo Foresees Pope Francis At Regensburg

April 19, 2017 at 4:38 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Dr. Cadbury Rocher and Amadeus Emanon were in the Set Enterprises laboratory with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

They had received a phone call from Renfield R. Renfield who had cut short his plans to overthrow the government of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in Caracas and was returning to Britain to run as a British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party Candidate (the party he had founded and was then deposed as leader by the Welsh Vampiress Morgana after the last British general election).

British Prime Minister Theresa May’s surprise election call for an early election yesterday from the steps of 10 Downing Street had prompted Renfield’s decision to return home.

Since he had only received 1 vote in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where he and his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lived in a colossal London mansion) in the last British general election, Renfield R. Renfield had decided this time to run as a Transhumanist candidate against incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie in his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

Renfield made the decision after he had found a picture of MP Agathor Christie on the Net yesterday showing him in a grocery store accompanying Renfield’s own personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/17/much-ado-about-the-orient-express/ )

Renfield was so angry when he saw the photo, he resolved then and there to run against Agathor Christie and beat the pants off of him (although dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was already doing an excellent job of that herself).

Meanwhile Dr. Rocher and Amadeus were overlooking the list of revelations that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been receiving the past few hours.

The revelations were being correlated and indexed and catalogued by a computer that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had invented specifically for this purpose – of anaylzing Michelangelo’s thought processes and psychic flashes and insights and foresights.

Dr. Rocher had given the computer the name The Artist Known As Raphael Who Existed Before The Pre-Raphaelites.

Although he called the computer Raph for short.

Dr. Rocher noticed that Michelangelo had picked up a TV News Broadcast from the future about Pope Francis giving an address at Regensburg University.

“That’s interesting,” Dr. Rocher paused at that revelation, “it was an address that Pope Benedict XVI gave at Regensburg back in 2006 that landed that Pope in trouble. In it, he quoted what a medieval Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus had once said about Islam (which wasn’t very complimentary) and this led to rioting and anti-Pope Benedict protests across the Islamic world.”

“I wonder who’ll Pope Francis will quote at the start of his speech,” Amadeus ate a cookie.

“Let’s click on Pope Francis’ Address To Regensburg: A News Broadcast From The Future and find out,” said Dr. Rocher who did just that.

The TV broadcast transmission from the future showed Pope Francis standing at the podium in a Regensburg University auditorium.

The Pope began,

“My predecessor began his address here by quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor. I’m not going to do that…”

Laughter in the hall.

He continued,

“Instead, I’m going to….”

The Pope paused.

He looked down the far end of the table where he had been sitting earlier and noticed some milk and cookies at the end there that he had not been offered,

“I’m going to quote the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street…Me want cookie! Me want cookie!”.

Laughter in the hall.

“No,” Francis got angry, “I really want a cookie. I wasn’t offered milk and cookies when I sat here As Winston Churchill said when he was about to give a speech in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at the height of Prohibition in that province and therefore wasn’t offered a brandy before speaking, “No brandy, no speech.” So verily, verily I say unto you, “No milk and cookies. No speech.”

There was a wild scramble to get Pope Francis milk and cookies.

Announcer: So just as Pope Benedict’s quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor at Regensburg led to riots and protests across the Islamic world, so Pope Francis at Regensburg quoting Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster asking for milk and cookies has led to riots and protests across Greece. Apparently there was also feta cheese down at the end of the table from where Pope Francis was sitting and the Pontiff never asked for feta cheese. Just milk and cookies. This has led to anti-Francis protests throughout Greece…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 19th
2017.

Permalink 1 Comment

King Arthur Meets Morgana: A Poem

March 27, 2017 at 4:31 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Through the mountains of Wales the young Arthur walked
recalling the days when he and his mentor Merlin talked
his mentor Merlin told him to beware of nymphs in these mountain passes
sexy creatures warned Merlin who turned men into bumbling jackasses

But Arthur was enjoying the crisp winter day
caring not what came his young regal way
he turned the corner
and erect went his sonar
though the aquatic tracking device Merlin saw was several years down the road
but what Arthur saw he now carried quite the heavy load

Morgana The Enchantress

And so the young King Arthur forgot Merlin’s sage advice
that night of lust would later cut him like a knife
so therefore my dear reader, beware of nymphs in the mountains
for like Arthur, what is sown may reap war’s blood-filled fountains.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday March 27th 2017

Permalink Leave a Comment

Renfield Loses Party Leadership

May 17, 2015 at 7:30 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Loses Party Leadership

So despite a brilliant webcast speech on the Net this past Tuesday where Renfield dressed in a Darth Vader costume and wearing a pair of Mr. Spock Vulcan-like ears on his Darth Vader helmet delivered a speech that political commentators were now calling the Chinese Checkers speech (to contrast it with Richard M. Nixon’s famous Checkers speech of September 23rd 1952), the speech was not enough to save Renfield’s leadership of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party in the electronic phone- in vote whose results were announced today.

Renfield’s Tuesday speech dressed as Darth Vader sporting a pair of Mr. Spock ears that managed to escape the wrath of an Edward Scissorhands wannabe (who imagined himself to be the reincarnation of a Vincent Van Gogh with a nasty projection complex) was not enough to compete with the Wednesday rebuttal given by Renfield’s leadership opponent the Welsh Vampiress Morgana.

The Welsh Vampiress’ Wednesday webcast rebuttal delivered to the Party’s overwhelmingly male science- fiction loving nerd membership consisted of Morgana wearing a low-cut white top, short tight purple suede leather mini-skirt, black silk pantyhose and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and doing somersaults and acrobatics on the rug of her living room floor while saying nothing.

The Vampiress’ body language speech so impressed the party’s membership that after carefully wiping their computer and smart phone screens with Kleenex tissues and towels, they automatically keyed in their vote for Morgana electronically.

The final vote was Morgana’s 666 to Renfield’s 0.

Renfield accidentally voted for Morgana instead of himself when a part of his body (not his hands or feet) brushed against his smart phone screen casting the vote for Morgana.

Renfield had thought about re- enacting a personal body dismemberment said to have been performed by the third century theologian Origen of Alexandria but decided against it.

He would live to fight another day.

In the meantime, Renfield had been invited to a midnight cocktail party for defeated politicians at the residence of Vincent Cardinal Nichols the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Westminster.

Renfield couldn’t remember from the invitation whether it was a masquerade costume party or not.

So to be on the safe side he decided to wear a costume anyways and go dressed as the pirate Baldassarre Cossa.

In his pirate vest pocket just above his sword, he found some very old Greek drachma coins.

Renfield thought he might he have a small fortune if Greece soon chose to leave the Euro zone.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 16th
2015.

Permalink 30 Comments

Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

May 13, 2015 at 7:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

Renfield R. Renfield the leader of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party was lying on the sofa in the living room.

His eyes were glazed as if he were in a total state of shock (or had been listening to Paris Hilton giving an oral presentation analyzing the Liebestod in Tristan und Isolde).

Renfield was suffering from PEDSD or Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder.

All 11 of his independent candidates running on his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform (including himself) had gone down to defeat in last Thursday’s United Kingdom General Election.

Ten of them had wound up in last place in their respective constituencies including himself Renfield R. Renfield.

And he had done the worst of all the candidates running on behalf of his party- he had received only one vote in his constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set’s colossal London mansion was located.

This further sent Renfield into a state of agony as if he were receiving a major enema up the bowels of his netherworld.

“Since I know I voted for myself,” Renfield wept to Athelstan the mansion’s butler and Amadeus Emanon the mansion’s resident concert pianist, “since I always vote for the best candidate, what this means is that neither of you nor the Boss voted for me.”

Both Athelstan and Amadeus looked at Renfield but said nothing.

The independent candidate for his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party who had done the best was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) who had come in second behind Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.

Now there was a call among the country’s science-fiction loving nerds who made up the bulk of the party’s membership that Renfield be dumped as party leader and replaced with Morgana.

So Renfield had rented a Darth Vader costume along with a pair of Mr. Spock ears (that he’d place on either side of his Darth Vader helmet) to give a live webcast speech to the party’s membership tonight defending his leadership.

Renfield picked up from the coffee table a copy of the speech he had written to deliver to the party later that evening.

The speech began, “My fellow Transhumanists, I may never have owned a dog called Checkers but I once played the game of Chinese checkers…”

He put down the speech, sat back on the sofa and looked depressed again.

Amadeus put on the radio to listen to the program The Galloping Guru- a self-help and motivational program hosted by a New Age speaker who gave beatitudes of inspiration and enlightenment while riding on a horse through the Tennessee countryside.

As the emergency sound of a train whistle blowing and the anguished neighing of a horse could be heard, this was then followed by a moment of silence.

Then the somewhat agonized voice of the not-so-Galloping Guru spoke while ambulance sirens were heard in the background, “I’m reminded of something Robert Downey Jr. once said… Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”

“Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean there aren’t other movie roles out there besides the male lead in Fifty Shades of Grey either,” Renfield remarked in punishing fashion.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 12th
2015.

Permalink 24 Comments

Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

April 13, 2015 at 5:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield were listening to the World News Report on the radio.

“And this news just in,” said the announcer, “emergency crews were called to the new Presidential Palace in Ankara Turkey after Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan got his zipper stuck while taking a leak in one of the 500 gold-plated bathrooms in the Palace.
The incident, reminiscent of that famous scene with Ben Stiller in the 1998 film There’s Something About Mary that also starred Cameron Diaz, occurred when President Erdogan heard on the radio that Pope Francis had described the Ottoman Empire’s mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians 100 years ago as a “genocide”.
Francis made the declaration in a ceremony at the Vatican yesterday.
The announcement apparently did not go well with the Turkish President’s attempt to relieve himself…”

. . .

At an all-candidates’ forum in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge, the topic was Foreign Affairs,

Someone brought up the matter of the recent Zippergate Affair involving Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

“Well,” said the Welsh Vampiress Morgana representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party, “if I had been there, I’d have kicked Mr. Erdogan in the balls.”

“That would be great if Recep Tayyip Erdogan had any balls,” interjected Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley, “if Mr. Erdogan wasn’t such an inherent sniveling coward (to say nothing of being a petty despotic tyrant and an impotent bedwetter with a small penis), he’d acknowledge his country’s despicable role in perpetrating this crime against the Armenian people and this crime against humanity.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 13th
2015.

Permalink 12 Comments

Lepardia Marango Observes British General Election

April 9, 2015 at 7:10 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Lepardia Marango Observes British General Election

Lepardia Marango the cultural attaché at the South African Embassy in London was sitting in a London tea shop enjoying a cup of Earl Grey tea.

She adjusted her skirt and brushed crumpet crumbs off her blouse as she typed on the keyboard of her laptop.

She had received an email from an ex-University classmate of hers in South Africa who said he had just come down with a hernia after he unilaterally tried to push a statue of British colonialist Cecil Rhodes off its pedestal on the University of Cape Town campus.

A crane was brought in to remove the statue to prevent the emergence of future hernias according to a South African news report.

Lepardia glanced at the TV screen in the tea shop.

A BBC News report was showing a nasty fight that had broken out at a candidates’ debate in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

The fight was between a micro-mini skirted pop singer Morgana who was running as an Independent candidate on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform and Magog Rhys Petley who was the sitting MP and incumbent candidate for the British Labour Party.

The fight was later taken outside but all the cameras showed outside was some fight going on between a large vampire bat and a large wolf.

The TV screen then showed a campaign stop for British Prime Minister David Cameron.

At the appearance, a protestor held up a picket sign in front of Mr. Cameron that said:

Why Settle For A Prime Minister Who’s Only Human When You Can Have One Who’s Transhuman?

Lepardia took a careful look at the protestor holding the placard in front of Cameron.

Wasn’t that Renfield R. Renfield? she asked herself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 9th
2015.

Permalink 2 Comments

Don Juan Rising: Man and Transhuman

April 7, 2015 at 6:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery/horror, Satire, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Don Juan Rising: Man and Transhuman

Renfield R. Renfield the genetically created hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was practicing a political speech in front of the living room’s antique Louis XIV Sun King mirror much to his friend Amadeus Emanon’s amusement.

A couple of years earlier, Renfield had founded the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.

Unfortunately Renfield had not come up with the required number of signatures for his party to be recognized as a registered political party in Britain so he was unable to take part in recent leaders’ election debates or in future leaders’ election debates.

Thus not being a registered party, his candidates had to run as independent candidates in the UK’s various constituencies.

Although there were not that many members of his Party running as candidates anyways.

There were only 10 other candidates running as independents on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform throughout the United Kingdom’s 650 constituencies.

Of these, 9 were thirty something in age long-haired and bearded science-fiction fans who were still living in their parents’ basements.

The 10th was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay) who was running as an independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform against well-known far far Left backbench British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who unbeknownst to his constituents and the public at large was a werewolf) in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.

Renfield himself was running as an Independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform in the constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the Vampire Set’s colossal mansion was located.

The constituency had been a British Conservative Party stronghold for the past 70 years.

At an all-candidates’ forum in the Constituency last week, Renfield extolled the virtues of living in a society where everybody had upgraded to the new Humanity 2.0 and had become Transhuman.

“It’s the next step in our human evolution,” Renfield waved a copy of The Origin of Species, “Charles Darwin, if he weren’t dead, would have been so proud.”

Renfield said that recent developments in the fields of genetics, robotics, artificial intelligence, nanotechnology and synthetic biology would allow everyone to become Transhuman.

“Think of where technology has taken us these past 100 years,” Renfield enthused, “why 100 years ago only people who lived in your own neighbourhood or own town or city might have known that you’re an idiot. But today thanks to advanced technology and social networking sites such as Twitter, YouTube and Facebook, you now have the chance to show the entire world what an idiot you are.”

The remark did not go over too well for some reason.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 7th
2015.

Permalink 10 Comments