Renfield’s Past Forays Into The Theatrical Arts

June 15, 2017 at 3:12 pm (Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Musicals, Stage, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Britain’s The Sun newspaper decided to do a story on newly elected British MPs.

The first MP selected was Renfield R. Renfield the newly elected MP for the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

He was one of two MPs elected for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.

Allthough Mr. Renfield founded the British Transhumanist Party in 2013, he was ousted as Party Leader in 2015 after the British Transhumanist Party’s disastrous showing in the May 2015 UK General Election.

He was replaced by Welsh songstress Morgana Fay Lee (who some people call the Welsh Vampiress Morgana) as Party Leader.

Morgana Fay Lee was likewise elected an MP in her constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

After their two parliamentary electoral victories in this past June 8th UK General Election, Morgana announced she was stepping aside as Party leader saying she was unable to carry out much duties in the daytime (further leading to speculation that she’s a vampiress).
Welsh Vampiress Morgana
Welsh Vampiress Morgana After Twilight

Although Mr. Renfield R. Renfield is a long-time Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the British firm Set Enterprises (owned by the billionaire Egyptian Mr. Sol Invictus Set), he is best known for his forays into the field of theatrical arts.

A Clockwork Orange
Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s West End London’s stage production of Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange.

Puccini's Madame Butterfly
Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s production of Puccini’s Madame Butterfly.

My Fair Lady
Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s production of the musical My Fair Lady.

Hot Girls In Love
A scene from the music video Renfield R. Renfield shot for the song Hot Girls In Love.

Alice In Wonderland
And upon not seeing either the March Hare or the Mad Hatter anywhere in sight, Alice poured tea for herself.
-From the Renfield R. Renfield production of Alice In Wonderland.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 15th
2017.

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana
The Welsh Vampiress Morgana: Never appeared in a Renfield R. Renfield production thus saving her musical and artistic career and allowing her to be elected to Parliament.

Advertisements

Permalink 2 Comments

Election Analysis of Welsh Vampiress Morgana’s Election Victory

June 10, 2017 at 3:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was spending his Saturday in the kitchen of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion celebrating his past Thursday’s election victory having been elected Member of Parliament for the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Constituency (a constituency he had only chose to run in because its then MP Agathor Christie of the Conservatives had dared to appear in an Internet photo with Renfield’s personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes the night before British Prime Minister Theresa May called the surprise UK election).

“Yes, quite often those embarrassing Internet photos can end a politician’s political career,” Amadeus Emanon remarked while thinking sympathetically about Agathor Christie’s humiliating electoral loss of over 17,000 votes to Renfield.

“Running in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds was the best political decision I ever made,” Renfield grinned seeing as how he only got 1 vote running as a Transhumanist candidate in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where Set’s colossal London mansion was located) in the 2015 UK General Election and had received 0 votes running as an Independent, a Democrat and a Republican in last year’s U.S. Presidential election.

“Don’t be so smug,” Amadeus commented as he ate his pigeon pie, “if ISIS hadn’t launched terrorist attacks on Manchester and London, you’d never have been elected. Something Allah will no doubt tell the attackers as He sends them straight to Hell, do not pass Go, do not receive a Get Out of Hell Free Card and Do Not Collect 72 Dark-Eyed Virgins.”

“Wow, that’s a pretty brilliant and profound statement coming from you, Amadeus,” Renfield was impressed.

“Thanks,” Amadeus drank his Coca-Cola.

“I wonder how the Welsh Vampiress Morgana managed to win her seat in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge defeating longtime incumbent Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley by over 300 votes,” Renfield mused aloud.

“According to political analysts in most newspapers,” Amadeus ate his grilled cheese sandwich, “it was probably the photo of her appearing live on stage with Ariana Grande at the One Love Manchester concert that sealed her election victory.”

“What?” Renfield turned red with rage and apoplexy, “how come Ariana Grande posed for a photo with the Welsh Vampiress Morgana but Ariana Grande wouldn’t pose for a photo with me?”.

“Probably because you’re a jackass and the Welsh Vampiress Morgana isn’t,” Amadeus answered.

“Thank you for your blunt honesty, Amadeus,” Renfield remarked sarcastically.

“You’re welcome,” said Amadeus not bothering to take note of the sarcasm.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 10th
2017.

Permalink 4 Comments

Renfield Elected MP By A Landslide

June 9, 2017 at 4:41 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party has won his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds by a landslide defeating his closest opponent sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agamemnon Thor Christie (often called Agathor Christie for short) by over 17,000 votes.

Most commentators and political analysts agree that it was Renfield’s Tuesday June 6th 2017 attack on an ISIS training camp in Libya earlier this week in which Renfield had illegally sent members of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in and tied explosives to the ISIS members’ tiny testicles that were then blown up after Renfield had appeared to them in holographic form and recited one of the numerous witty poems he’s famed for writing (See https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/06/06/renfields-attack-on-isis-camp-in-libya/ )

It was this raid that caught the imagination of the British public (and the condemnation by the country’s politically correct elites) in the wake of the Manchester and London terrorist attacks which led to Renfield’s landslide victory in his Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Constituency says Manchester University political science professor Churchill Thatcher.

Nonsense, say the membership of the Tewkesbury Sex Addicts and Nymphomaniacs Association, it was Renfield’s call for “greater sexual intercourse among Britons” that led to his overwhelming victory.

On the evening of Wednesday June 7th earlier this week, British Prime Minister Theresa May was wanting Renfield R. Renfield charged with high treason for his unauthorized use of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in his own personal not officially sanctioned raid on an ISIS training camp (Mrs. May now presides over a hung parliament and a minority government).

The high treason charge was immediately vetoed by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II after Renfield had jumped in and saved one of her beloved Pembroke Welsh corgis from drowning in a swimming pool…”

“It’s a good thing,” Renfield grinned while reading the Manchester Guardian article on his landslide election victory, “that no one and especially the Queen noticed that I was the one who pushed the corgi in the swimming pool in the first place so I could earn the Queen’s unending gratitude by diving in and rescuing it.”

Renfield went back to reading the article…

Renfield will be having a fellow Transhumanist joining him in Parliament.

Welsh songstress Morgana Fay Lee (who some people claim is an ancient vampiress and the alleged niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) defeated sitting incumbent Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who some people claim is a werewolf) by over 300 votes in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh Vampiress Morgana will be taking their seats as Transhumanist MPs in the Westminster Parliament sometime in the next few weeks…

“Wow,” the South African cultural attache Lepardia Marango thought to herself as she read the Manchester Guardian article, “I dated both Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley and Conservative MP Agathor Christie in the past and now both have been defeated by British Transhumanist candidates.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 9th
2017.

Lepardia Marango
Lepardia Marango: Did her dating of two British MPs cause the election of two Transhumanists to the UK Parliament?

Permalink 4 Comments

Avalon Rising: A Poem

May 15, 2017 at 4:13 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Poetry, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

And so from Xanadu the mighty Kublai Khan might decree
but did he ever make out with the goddess Aphrodite?
Dracul Van Helsing thought while returning from Athens
and attending service of Glastonbury Abbey matins
among those ancient ruins
far from desert sand dunes.

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana visited Dracul
a break from campaigning against a werewolf fool
in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales
principality ruled by Charles Prince of Tails

Now this vampiress was a niece of Morgan Le Fay
for this vamp had been around since medieval day
and she told Dracul that he was descended from both Morgan Le Fay and King Arthur
making Dracul a king and not just a knight with a knighthood to be called “Sir”

For her aunt the sorceress Morgana and Arthur had another child besides Mordred
the one who at the battle of Camlann both he and Arthur mortally bled
this child was a girl sent to Ireland for safekeeping
as Camelot was overrun by blood and weeping

And Dracul was descended from this princess royal
who was born Morgan and Arthur’s child on Avalon soil

And so after hearing this from Morgana, he wandered far from Glastonbury Tor
this vampiric news that had him hit the ceiling and not the royal floor
he wandered across plains and through trees seeing a doe and her fawn
then he looked and saw the mists of Avalon rising through the dawn

Avalon Rising In The Mists of Dawn

He had once pulled a sword out of a stone in Cornwall many years ago
and now it looked like prophecy would unfold- Avalon’s rising- ’tis so.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday May 15th 2017.

Permalink 12 Comments

Michelangelo Foresees Pope Francis At Regensburg

April 19, 2017 at 4:38 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Dr. Cadbury Rocher and Amadeus Emanon were in the Set Enterprises laboratory with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

They had received a phone call from Renfield R. Renfield who had cut short his plans to overthrow the government of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in Caracas and was returning to Britain to run as a British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party Candidate (the party he had founded and was then deposed as leader by the Welsh Vampiress Morgana after the last British general election).

British Prime Minister Theresa May’s surprise election call for an early election yesterday from the steps of 10 Downing Street had prompted Renfield’s decision to return home.

Since he had only received 1 vote in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where he and his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lived in a colossal London mansion) in the last British general election, Renfield R. Renfield had decided this time to run as a Transhumanist candidate against incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie in his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

Renfield made the decision after he had found a picture of MP Agathor Christie on the Net yesterday showing him in a grocery store accompanying Renfield’s own personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/17/much-ado-about-the-orient-express/ )

Renfield was so angry when he saw the photo, he resolved then and there to run against Agathor Christie and beat the pants off of him (although dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was already doing an excellent job of that herself).

Meanwhile Dr. Rocher and Amadeus were overlooking the list of revelations that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been receiving the past few hours.

The revelations were being correlated and indexed and catalogued by a computer that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had invented specifically for this purpose – of anaylzing Michelangelo’s thought processes and psychic flashes and insights and foresights.

Dr. Rocher had given the computer the name The Artist Known As Raphael Who Existed Before The Pre-Raphaelites.

Although he called the computer Raph for short.

Dr. Rocher noticed that Michelangelo had picked up a TV News Broadcast from the future about Pope Francis giving an address at Regensburg University.

“That’s interesting,” Dr. Rocher paused at that revelation, “it was an address that Pope Benedict XVI gave at Regensburg back in 2006 that landed that Pope in trouble. In it, he quoted what a medieval Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus had once said about Islam (which wasn’t very complimentary) and this led to rioting and anti-Pope Benedict protests across the Islamic world.”

“I wonder who’ll Pope Francis will quote at the start of his speech,” Amadeus ate a cookie.

“Let’s click on Pope Francis’ Address To Regensburg: A News Broadcast From The Future and find out,” said Dr. Rocher who did just that.

The TV broadcast transmission from the future showed Pope Francis standing at the podium in a Regensburg University auditorium.

The Pope began,

“My predecessor began his address here by quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor. I’m not going to do that…”

Laughter in the hall.

He continued,

“Instead, I’m going to….”

The Pope paused.

He looked down the far end of the table where he had been sitting earlier and noticed some milk and cookies at the end there that he had not been offered,

“I’m going to quote the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street…Me want cookie! Me want cookie!”.

Laughter in the hall.

“No,” Francis got angry, “I really want a cookie. I wasn’t offered milk and cookies when I sat here As Winston Churchill said when he was about to give a speech in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at the height of Prohibition in that province and therefore wasn’t offered a brandy before speaking, “No brandy, no speech.” So verily, verily I say unto you, “No milk and cookies. No speech.”

There was a wild scramble to get Pope Francis milk and cookies.

Announcer: So just as Pope Benedict’s quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor at Regensburg led to riots and protests across the Islamic world, so Pope Francis at Regensburg quoting Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster asking for milk and cookies has led to riots and protests across Greece. Apparently there was also feta cheese down at the end of the table from where Pope Francis was sitting and the Pontiff never asked for feta cheese. Just milk and cookies. This has led to anti-Francis protests throughout Greece…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 19th
2017.

Permalink 1 Comment

King Arthur Meets Morgana: A Poem

March 27, 2017 at 4:31 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Through the mountains of Wales the young Arthur walked
recalling the days when he and his mentor Merlin talked
his mentor Merlin told him to beware of nymphs in these mountain passes
sexy creatures warned Merlin who turned men into bumbling jackasses

But Arthur was enjoying the crisp winter day
caring not what came his young regal way
he turned the corner
and erect went his sonar
though the aquatic tracking device Merlin saw was several years down the road
but what Arthur saw he now carried quite the heavy load

Morgana The Enchantress

And so the young King Arthur forgot Merlin’s sage advice
that night of lust would later cut him like a knife
so therefore my dear reader, beware of nymphs in the mountains
for like Arthur, what is sown may reap war’s blood-filled fountains.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday March 27th 2017

Permalink Leave a Comment

Renfield Loses Party Leadership

May 17, 2015 at 7:30 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Loses Party Leadership

So despite a brilliant webcast speech on the Net this past Tuesday where Renfield dressed in a Darth Vader costume and wearing a pair of Mr. Spock Vulcan-like ears on his Darth Vader helmet delivered a speech that political commentators were now calling the Chinese Checkers speech (to contrast it with Richard M. Nixon’s famous Checkers speech of September 23rd 1952), the speech was not enough to save Renfield’s leadership of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party in the electronic phone- in vote whose results were announced today.

Renfield’s Tuesday speech dressed as Darth Vader sporting a pair of Mr. Spock ears that managed to escape the wrath of an Edward Scissorhands wannabe (who imagined himself to be the reincarnation of a Vincent Van Gogh with a nasty projection complex) was not enough to compete with the Wednesday rebuttal given by Renfield’s leadership opponent the Welsh Vampiress Morgana.

The Welsh Vampiress’ Wednesday webcast rebuttal delivered to the Party’s overwhelmingly male science- fiction loving nerd membership consisted of Morgana wearing a low-cut white top, short tight purple suede leather mini-skirt, black silk pantyhose and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and doing somersaults and acrobatics on the rug of her living room floor while saying nothing.

The Vampiress’ body language speech so impressed the party’s membership that after carefully wiping their computer and smart phone screens with Kleenex tissues and towels, they automatically keyed in their vote for Morgana electronically.

The final vote was Morgana’s 666 to Renfield’s 0.

Renfield accidentally voted for Morgana instead of himself when a part of his body (not his hands or feet) brushed against his smart phone screen casting the vote for Morgana.

Renfield had thought about re- enacting a personal body dismemberment said to have been performed by the third century theologian Origen of Alexandria but decided against it.

He would live to fight another day.

In the meantime, Renfield had been invited to a midnight cocktail party for defeated politicians at the residence of Vincent Cardinal Nichols the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Westminster.

Renfield couldn’t remember from the invitation whether it was a masquerade costume party or not.

So to be on the safe side he decided to wear a costume anyways and go dressed as the pirate Baldassarre Cossa.

In his pirate vest pocket just above his sword, he found some very old Greek drachma coins.

Renfield thought he might he have a small fortune if Greece soon chose to leave the Euro zone.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 16th
2015.

Permalink 30 Comments

Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

May 13, 2015 at 7:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

Renfield R. Renfield the leader of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party was lying on the sofa in the living room.

His eyes were glazed as if he were in a total state of shock (or had been listening to Paris Hilton giving an oral presentation analyzing the Liebestod in Tristan und Isolde).

Renfield was suffering from PEDSD or Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder.

All 11 of his independent candidates running on his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform (including himself) had gone down to defeat in last Thursday’s United Kingdom General Election.

Ten of them had wound up in last place in their respective constituencies including himself Renfield R. Renfield.

And he had done the worst of all the candidates running on behalf of his party- he had received only one vote in his constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set’s colossal London mansion was located.

This further sent Renfield into a state of agony as if he were receiving a major enema up the bowels of his netherworld.

“Since I know I voted for myself,” Renfield wept to Athelstan the mansion’s butler and Amadeus Emanon the mansion’s resident concert pianist, “since I always vote for the best candidate, what this means is that neither of you nor the Boss voted for me.”

Both Athelstan and Amadeus looked at Renfield but said nothing.

The independent candidate for his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party who had done the best was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) who had come in second behind Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.

Now there was a call among the country’s science-fiction loving nerds who made up the bulk of the party’s membership that Renfield be dumped as party leader and replaced with Morgana.

So Renfield had rented a Darth Vader costume along with a pair of Mr. Spock ears (that he’d place on either side of his Darth Vader helmet) to give a live webcast speech to the party’s membership tonight defending his leadership.

Renfield picked up from the coffee table a copy of the speech he had written to deliver to the party later that evening.

The speech began, “My fellow Transhumanists, I may never have owned a dog called Checkers but I once played the game of Chinese checkers…”

He put down the speech, sat back on the sofa and looked depressed again.

Amadeus put on the radio to listen to the program The Galloping Guru- a self-help and motivational program hosted by a New Age speaker who gave beatitudes of inspiration and enlightenment while riding on a horse through the Tennessee countryside.

As the emergency sound of a train whistle blowing and the anguished neighing of a horse could be heard, this was then followed by a moment of silence.

Then the somewhat agonized voice of the not-so-Galloping Guru spoke while ambulance sirens were heard in the background, “I’m reminded of something Robert Downey Jr. once said… Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”

“Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean there aren’t other movie roles out there besides the male lead in Fifty Shades of Grey either,” Renfield remarked in punishing fashion.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 12th
2015.

Permalink 24 Comments

Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

April 13, 2015 at 5:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield were listening to the World News Report on the radio.

“And this news just in,” said the announcer, “emergency crews were called to the new Presidential Palace in Ankara Turkey after Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan got his zipper stuck while taking a leak in one of the 500 gold-plated bathrooms in the Palace.
The incident, reminiscent of that famous scene with Ben Stiller in the 1998 film There’s Something About Mary that also starred Cameron Diaz, occurred when President Erdogan heard on the radio that Pope Francis had described the Ottoman Empire’s mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians 100 years ago as a “genocide”.
Francis made the declaration in a ceremony at the Vatican yesterday.
The announcement apparently did not go well with the Turkish President’s attempt to relieve himself…”

. . .

At an all-candidates’ forum in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge, the topic was Foreign Affairs,

Someone brought up the matter of the recent Zippergate Affair involving Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

“Well,” said the Welsh Vampiress Morgana representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party, “if I had been there, I’d have kicked Mr. Erdogan in the balls.”

“That would be great if Recep Tayyip Erdogan had any balls,” interjected Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley, “if Mr. Erdogan wasn’t such an inherent sniveling coward (to say nothing of being a petty despotic tyrant and an impotent bedwetter with a small penis), he’d acknowledge his country’s despicable role in perpetrating this crime against the Armenian people and this crime against humanity.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 13th
2015.

Permalink 12 Comments

Lepardia Marango Observes British General Election

April 9, 2015 at 7:10 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Lepardia Marango Observes British General Election

Lepardia Marango the cultural attaché at the South African Embassy in London was sitting in a London tea shop enjoying a cup of Earl Grey tea.

She adjusted her skirt and brushed crumpet crumbs off her blouse as she typed on the keyboard of her laptop.

She had received an email from an ex-University classmate of hers in South Africa who said he had just come down with a hernia after he unilaterally tried to push a statue of British colonialist Cecil Rhodes off its pedestal on the University of Cape Town campus.

A crane was brought in to remove the statue to prevent the emergence of future hernias according to a South African news report.

Lepardia glanced at the TV screen in the tea shop.

A BBC News report was showing a nasty fight that had broken out at a candidates’ debate in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

The fight was between a micro-mini skirted pop singer Morgana who was running as an Independent candidate on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform and Magog Rhys Petley who was the sitting MP and incumbent candidate for the British Labour Party.

The fight was later taken outside but all the cameras showed outside was some fight going on between a large vampire bat and a large wolf.

The TV screen then showed a campaign stop for British Prime Minister David Cameron.

At the appearance, a protestor held up a picket sign in front of Mr. Cameron that said:

Why Settle For A Prime Minister Who’s Only Human When You Can Have One Who’s Transhuman?

Lepardia took a careful look at the protestor holding the placard in front of Cameron.

Wasn’t that Renfield R. Renfield? she asked herself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 9th
2015.

Permalink 2 Comments

Next page »