Renfield Meets Prince Charles

October 22, 2016 at 4:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Renfield Meets Prince Charles

Renfield R. Renfield had been called in to meet H.R.H. The Prince of Wales to discuss the latest failed peace treaty between Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and his opponents.

A memorandum of understanding that Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley had put together between the various parties (on a secret diplomatic mission for the British government) had collapsed thanks to help from Renfield R. Renfield.

Prince Charles was meeting Renfield to see if something could be done to rectify the situation.

As Renfield waited for His Highness inside the waiting room at Clarence House, he broke into a little song and ditty he had written and composed himself a few years back,

“Oh, I’m Charles Prince of Wales,
I’ve got plenty of tails
to help keep the women afloat…”

“Ahem,” a cough came from behind Renfield.

Renfield turned.

It was Charles Prince of Wales.

“Your Highness,” said Renfield, “I didn’t hear you come in…”

“Throw that bum out of here,” Charles directed his servants.

“But Your Highness,” Renfield protested.

Too late.

Renfield was thrown out of Clarence House.

Meanwhile Russian President Vladimir Putin was deploying the largest naval force since the end of the Cold War.

All headed towards Syria.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday October 22nd
2016.

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Magog’s Treaty

October 21, 2016 at 3:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Magog’s Treaty

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was back from a secret diplomatic mission on behalf of the British government.

He had managed to obtain a memorandum of understanding between the government of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and the non-ISIS opponents of Assad.

British Prime Minister Theresa May was hopeful this would end the Syrian Civil War.

Magog passed off the final writing of the treaty to a close acquaintance Renfield R. Renfield.

Copies of the treaty were faxed to all parties.

The call came into 10 Downing Street.

Not one of the parties would sign the treaty because they couldn’t read it.

A disappointed Mrs. May phoned Magog Rhys Petley.

Magog in turn phoned Renfield.

“They won’t sign the treaty because they claim they can’t read it,” said Magog.

“That is weird,” Renfield admitted, “because since I couldn’t do it myself, I got my pharmacist to write up the treaty.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 21st
2016.

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Magog Rhys Petley: The Last Werewolf

November 24, 2015 at 8:15 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Magog Rhys Petley: The Last Werewolf

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley sat in a pub drinking a strong whiskey soda.

He usually drank buttermilk as there was an antidote in buttermilk that counteracted the peculiar form of lycanthropy gene he had received ever since he was bitten more than 4 years ago by Rahu the demon responsible for lunar and solar eclipses in Hindu religious tradition.

As a result of that bite, he could occasionally turn into a werewolf even if there wasn’t a full moon.

But today Magog didn’t really care whether he turned into a werewolf or not.

Although he really should be happy.

He had spent most of his life as a backbench MP- whether Labour was the government or whether Labour was the opposition.

Being a far far Left MP and an out and out Marxist-Leninist had confined him to the back benches of the Labour Party particularly when Tony Blair was in power.

Now that fellow far Leftist Jeremy Corbyn was the new leader of the Labour Party, he was now the Party’s Foreign Affairs critic and sat on the Opposition front benches.

But Magog decided that he had been far happier sitting on the back benches.

Sitting on the front benches was much ado about nothing.

Besides nobody noticed when you ran out to the washroom when you sat on the back benches.

And recent Marxists elected to power were turning out to be a huge disappointment Magog thought to himself as he used his pub table candle to burn his personally autographed photo of Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras.

Then over a week ago, his favourite cafe in Paris had been shot up by ISIS terrorists.

He was pretty sure that bullet holes in the windows would take away from the ambience of the place he loved so well.

And now Turkey had shot down a Russian war plane.

There was talk of world war in the corridors of Westminster.

Coincidentally, a Russian submarine had been spotted off the coast of Scotland a few days ago.

And swear words in Russian had recently appeared on the Twitter accounts of Russian naval sailors after they had discovered what were the ingredients in the Scottish haggis they had been eating all week.

The world was going to Hell in a hand basket, Magog thought to himself.

Turning into a werewolf really wouldn’t make much of a difference.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 24th
2015.

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Caitlyn Jenner and Magog Rhys Petley

June 3, 2015 at 8:53 pm (Celebrities, Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Caitlyn Jenner and Magog Rhys Petley

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (fresh from his narrow election victory over the Welsh Vampiress Morgana of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales in the recent British general election) was in the City of Los Angeles to give a guest speech at a gala dinner calling for Los Angeles City Council to pass a measure to increase the minimum wage to $15 an hour.

The Los Angeles City Council had voted 13-1 today to hike the city’s minimum wage to $15 per hour by 2020 but since the vote was not unanimous, the matter would come back for a final vote next Wednesday.

The next vote only required a majority and need not be unanimous.

Supporters of the bill were hoping that by bringing in a British politician to speak in favour of the measure (albeit an unknown British politician in this country), this would seal the deal since as the best of PBS programming constantly reminded Americans, it’s so cool to be British.

Magog sat at a table as the gala guests arrived.

He read over his speech.

He wondered how starting with a quote from the Greek philosopher Empedocles would go over with an American audience.

Magog sipped from his glass of buttermilk.

Magog often drank buttermilk because there was an ingredient in buttermilk that served as an antidote to the particular variety of lycanthropy he suffered from and prevented his turning into a werewolf.

Often when buttermilk had been unavailable prior to his giving a speech, the result was often a social mishap of gargantuan proportions- a raving, snarling and howling failure.

“Buttermilk?” A beautiful woman in an elegant evening gown sat at the table across from him, “Don’t you drink anything stronger than that?

“Usually,” Magog replied, “but I have to give a speech later on.”

“I know what you mean,” the woman smiled, “my stepdaughter and stepson-in-law often get into trouble for saying outrageous things in public and they don’t even need alcohol to bring it on.”

“Really? Stepchildren?” Magog looked disappointed, “you mean to say you’re married?”.

“Oh yes, I’m married,” the woman smiled, “I’m married and I’m also 65.”

“65? Really?” Magog looked shocked.

The woman must use Oil of Olay, the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP thought to himself.

“I’ve been listening to your accent,” the woman played with one of her earrings, “Are you English?”,

“Welsh,” Magog snarled angrily.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the woman looked apologetic, “I know what it’s like when people don’t take you for who you truly are.”

“Magog Rhys Petley,” the British Labour MP extended his hand.

“Caitlyn Jenner,” the woman extended her hand.

The two shook hands.

“Oh, excuse me a second,” Caitlyn stood up, “I see trouble brewing. My stepdaughter just broke someone’s iPad with her rear end as she was bending over to pick her purse up off the floor.”

“Really?” Magog looked astonished, “That’s unusual.”

“Of course I broke the entire Internet recently myself when I got the most number of Twitter followers in the least number of hours,” the woman smiled, adjusted her hair and ran off in the direction of the sudden commotion in the hall.

Magog looked in that direction.

He noticed a man- the man looked familiar for some reason (Magog put on his spectacles to take a closer look and thought the man was quite possibly a singer) – shouting at another man and saying, “My wife has the best rear end of all time. The best rear end of all time!” to which the man with the broken iPad replied, “You’re a jack ass!”.

Magog decided to go to the washroom to comb his hair and beard before he was called upon to give his speech.

Twitter eh?

He had been told by some of his parliamentary colleagues as well as members of his constituency and campaign staffs that he should really get a Twitter account himself and start tweeting.

Several politicians these days did have Twitter accounts.

Mikheil Saakashvili the new governor of Ukraine’s Odessa region (and former President of the Republic of Georgia) and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov had recently been using their respective Twitter accounts to exchange personal insults with one another.

Magog was unsure about whether he should start a Twitter account.

After all, it was rather difficult to reduce his hero and idol Karl Marx’s economic theories of history to a mere 140 characters.

Magog entered the washroom.

As he looked at himself in the mirror while he combed his hair and beard, he recalled something that woman Caitlyn Jenner had said to him about being true to who you really are.

Who was he really? Magog thought about himself.

Man?

Or wolf?

Man, I guess, he thought to himself.

After all, literal wolves probably weren’t allowed to sit as MPs in the British House of Commons.

At least not yet anyways.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 3rd
2015.

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Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

May 13, 2015 at 7:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

Renfield R. Renfield the leader of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party was lying on the sofa in the living room.

His eyes were glazed as if he were in a total state of shock (or had been listening to Paris Hilton giving an oral presentation analyzing the Liebestod in Tristan und Isolde).

Renfield was suffering from PEDSD or Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder.

All 11 of his independent candidates running on his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform (including himself) had gone down to defeat in last Thursday’s United Kingdom General Election.

Ten of them had wound up in last place in their respective constituencies including himself Renfield R. Renfield.

And he had done the worst of all the candidates running on behalf of his party- he had received only one vote in his constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set’s colossal London mansion was located.

This further sent Renfield into a state of agony as if he were receiving a major enema up the bowels of his netherworld.

“Since I know I voted for myself,” Renfield wept to Athelstan the mansion’s butler and Amadeus Emanon the mansion’s resident concert pianist, “since I always vote for the best candidate, what this means is that neither of you nor the Boss voted for me.”

Both Athelstan and Amadeus looked at Renfield but said nothing.

The independent candidate for his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party who had done the best was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) who had come in second behind Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.

Now there was a call among the country’s science-fiction loving nerds who made up the bulk of the party’s membership that Renfield be dumped as party leader and replaced with Morgana.

So Renfield had rented a Darth Vader costume along with a pair of Mr. Spock ears (that he’d place on either side of his Darth Vader helmet) to give a live webcast speech to the party’s membership tonight defending his leadership.

Renfield picked up from the coffee table a copy of the speech he had written to deliver to the party later that evening.

The speech began, “My fellow Transhumanists, I may never have owned a dog called Checkers but I once played the game of Chinese checkers…”

He put down the speech, sat back on the sofa and looked depressed again.

Amadeus put on the radio to listen to the program The Galloping Guru- a self-help and motivational program hosted by a New Age speaker who gave beatitudes of inspiration and enlightenment while riding on a horse through the Tennessee countryside.

As the emergency sound of a train whistle blowing and the anguished neighing of a horse could be heard, this was then followed by a moment of silence.

Then the somewhat agonized voice of the not-so-Galloping Guru spoke while ambulance sirens were heard in the background, “I’m reminded of something Robert Downey Jr. once said… Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”

“Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean there aren’t other movie roles out there besides the male lead in Fifty Shades of Grey either,” Renfield remarked in punishing fashion.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 12th
2015.

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Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

April 13, 2015 at 5:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield were listening to the World News Report on the radio.

“And this news just in,” said the announcer, “emergency crews were called to the new Presidential Palace in Ankara Turkey after Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan got his zipper stuck while taking a leak in one of the 500 gold-plated bathrooms in the Palace.
The incident, reminiscent of that famous scene with Ben Stiller in the 1998 film There’s Something About Mary that also starred Cameron Diaz, occurred when President Erdogan heard on the radio that Pope Francis had described the Ottoman Empire’s mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians 100 years ago as a “genocide”.
Francis made the declaration in a ceremony at the Vatican yesterday.
The announcement apparently did not go well with the Turkish President’s attempt to relieve himself…”

. . .

At an all-candidates’ forum in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge, the topic was Foreign Affairs,

Someone brought up the matter of the recent Zippergate Affair involving Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

“Well,” said the Welsh Vampiress Morgana representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party, “if I had been there, I’d have kicked Mr. Erdogan in the balls.”

“That would be great if Recep Tayyip Erdogan had any balls,” interjected Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley, “if Mr. Erdogan wasn’t such an inherent sniveling coward (to say nothing of being a petty despotic tyrant and an impotent bedwetter with a small penis), he’d acknowledge his country’s despicable role in perpetrating this crime against the Armenian people and this crime against humanity.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 13th
2015.

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Whose Secret Weapon?

February 17, 2015 at 8:55 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Whose Secret Weapon?

Russian President Vladimir Putin was in his office in Moscow getting a briefing on the ceasefire in eastern Ukraine.

“Mr. President,” the head of the Russian FSB spoke, “the illegal rogue government in Kiev has a new secret weapon that’s been attacking our troops… I mean… our allies.”

“Secret weapon?” Putin perked up his ears.

“Yes, a werewolf, believe it or not,” the FSB head grimaced, “Fortunately our side has a few silver bullets in our arsenal to protect against American witchcraft. We’ve fired but sadly have missed the mark.”

. . .

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko was in his office in Kiev getting a briefing on how the ceasefire was holding up in eastern Ukraine.

“Mr. President,” the Minister of Defence spoke, “Russian troops posing as volunteers have a new secret weapon that’s been attacking our troops- a werewolf.”

“A werewolf?” Poroshenko dropped a perogie off his fork.

“Yes,” the Minister of Defence took a sip of tea in an effort to show the cabinet that he had not been drinking anything stronger, “Fortunately our side have a few silver bullets in our arsenal to protect against Siberian shamanic witchcraft. We’ve fired but sadly have missed the mark.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 17th
2015.

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Lepardia Marango Gets Email From Magog

February 16, 2015 at 9:17 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Lepardia Marango Gets Email From Magog

Lepardia Marango the cultural attaché at the South African Embassy in London had just received an email from her sometimes dating companion the far left British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley.

The backbench Opposition MP from Wales was serving as an international observer for the new ceasefire that had just come into effect in eastern Ukraine.

In the email, Magog Rhys Petley had written that he was coming under fire from both sides- Ukrainian and Russian.

He said both Ukrainian government troops and pro-Russian rebel forces were firing silver bullets at him.

Why, she wondered, were both sides firing SILVER bullets at him?

One would think that he was a werewolf or something, Lepardia thought as she sipped her buttermilk.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 16th
2015.

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Cameron’s New Diplomatic Appointment

October 16, 2014 at 5:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Cameron’s New Diplomatic Appointment

On the advice of Welsh werewolf backbench British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley given during a post-mortem debriefing on the Scottish independence referendum campaign, British Prime Minister David Cameron named William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the Scottish National Party MSP (Member of the Scottish Parliament) for the Eildon Hills to a British diplomatic post in Her Majesty’s Foreign Service.

Magog said it would be good political strategy for two reasons:

First, it would show Scottish nationalists and their electoral supporters that the British government at Westminster in London held no ill will towards them.

Second, and this was most important, Magog pointed out, that it would get a charismatic figure like William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas out of the country.

The Eildon Hills MSP was probably about the 7th or 8th most influential figure in the Scottish National Party and given the party’s loss in the independence referendum campaign, there was a possibility that he could move up in influence as some of the more senior figures in the Scottish National Party retired like Scottish First Minister and Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond had done.

And given William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas’ innate charisma, there might be no stopping the Scottish independence movement in the future, Magog had warned Cameron.

Magog understood that the post of deputy consul at the British Consulate in West Jerusalem was now available and William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas had always said he found it tragic that the embalmed heart of Robert the Bruce had never found its way to Jerusalem like Scotland’s King Robert the Bruce had requested to his friend and lieutenant Sir James Douglas before the king died on June 7th 1329.

“Therefore,” Magog said to Cameron, “William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas would now go to the city where the heart of Robert the Bruce should have been.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron used that quote of Magog Rhys Petley when he made the announcement the morning of Wednesday October 15th 2014 that he was appointing the Scottish National Party MSP for the Eildon Hills William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the new deputy consul at the British Consulate in West Jerusalem.

. . .

The mysterious figure within Mossad known as the Controller of the Golem was reflecting on a dream that an elderly rabbi at the synagogue he had attended had insisted on telling him at the previous Sabbath service.

The elderly rabbinical cleric had been a student of Kabbalah all his life and was prone to many mysterious dreams and visions.

In this dream, the rabbi said he saw the Archangel Raphael standing in a river of fishes while a river of blood flowed by on the other side.

A giant salmon leapt out of the water alongside Raphael.

The salmon went down and then a giant sturgeon leapt out of the water alongside Raphael.

A medieval knight rose out of the river of fishes and opened his suit of armour and cast his heart into the river of blood.

Spoke Raphael in the dream, “The so-called spring in the desert is but a river of blood and Israel will soon be surrounded by enemies seeking its destruction and annihilation. And when the salmon is replaced by the sturgeon, then shall a brave Scottish heart come to the Holy City and soon Israel’s enemies will themselves be destroyed.”

Bizarre dream, the Controller of the Golem thought.

The Controller of the Golem then checked a brief summary of the international news of the day.

Nicola Sturgeon had replaced Alex Salmond as leader of the Scottish National Party and was slated to become Scotland’s next First Minister.

For some reason, that item leapt out at him as he scanned the page.

He put the international news summary aside and picked up a document listing the new diplomatic appointments by other countries to the State of Israel.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 15th
2014.

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Lunar Vampire In Iran and Werewolf On The Road To Damascus

November 16, 2011 at 9:39 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Interpol’s paranormal investigator Peter Whitstable was having a glass of wine with vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in a Paris cafe.

“So Dracul, did you hear about Renfield R. Renfield stealing a classified document from CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia?” Whitstable asked.

“I did,” Van Helsing nodded.

“And are you aware of the contents of that document?” Whitstable inquired.

“It relates how the Apollo 11 astronauts found a vampire in suspended animation in a coffin on the moon and were ordered by NASA to bring the coffin and vampire back to Earth,” Van Helsing answered.

“Do you know what ever became of that vampire?” Whitstable wanted to know, “no one seems to know.”

“Well it was aroused from its state of suspended animation and escaped and fled to Iran,” Van Helsing replied.

“Iran?” Whitstable’s ears perked up, “what happened to it there?”.

“It or he if you prefer now serves as an advisor to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,” Van Helsing stated.

“To Ahmadinejad?” Whistable’s jaw dropped.

“Yes, Ahmadinejad believes this vampire is the Imam Mahdi,” Van Helsing sipped his wine and gazed through the cafe window at the Eiffel Tower.

“The Twelfth Imam of Shia prophecy?” Whitstable blinked.

“That’s right,” Van Helsing noticed the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec standing in a red dress on the Eiffel Tower.

“And what does this vampire posing as the Imam Mahdi want?” Whitstable downed the rest of his wine in a single gulp.

“Nuclear war against Israel and the U.S.,” Van Helsing answered.

“Good Lord,” Whitstable whispered.

* * *

Welsh werewolf Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was attending an art show at an exclusive art gallery in London.

Rhys Petley often attended these functions- as an MP he was of course immediately let in- but he did not attend because he was an art connoisseur.

Rather he attended because of the free wine and cheese served at these functions.

Magog Rhys Petley loved wine and cheese.

But he didn’t like paying for them.

As Rhys Petley entered the gallery’s exclusive entrance he passed a lone Occupy London protestor holding up a sign outside the gallery saying “We are the 1%.”

Inside the gallery, Rhys Petley felt an arm on his shoulder.

He turned and was surprised to see that it was Charles Prince of Wales holding a glass of wine and a slice of cheese.

What was Prince Charles doing greeting him?

He Magog Rhys Petley was a staunch republican and rabid anti-monarchist.

“Magog,” the Prince smiled.

“Er… your Highness,” Rhys Petley blurted, “congratulations on your 63rd birthday.”

Prince Charles had just turned 63 this past Monday November 14th.

“Don’t remind me of my age,” the Prince shook his head, “if I was a common man, I could look forward to retirement in another couple of years.”

“Heavy is the head that wears the crown-in-waiting,” Rhys Petley nodded sympathetically.

“I’ve kept abreast of your activities this year, you know,” Charles helped himself to a smoked oyster on a cracker, “your meeting with Silvio Berlusconi on a British trade mission to Italy, your going to Cairo to ask then Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak to immediately step down before any protestors were killed and your going to Libya to ask Col. Muammar Gaddafi to step down and leave Libya to prevent civil war.”

“All those missions were failures,” noted Magog Rhys Petley who failed to grab an oyster on a cracker before the French maid looking waitress carrying the tray walked away.

“But to succeed at failure,” Prince Charles smiled, “surely that’s a success of sorts?”.

“I suppose if you put it that way it is,” Rhys Petley agreed.

“Anyways I was wondering if you’d undertake a mission for me on behalf of the British government,” Charles reached for a strawberry underneath the small statue of Diana of the Ephesians, “a mission where I hope you’ll succeed. I want you to go to Damascus and ask Syrian President Bashar Assad to step down before any more of his countrymen are killed. Tell him to go into exile in Iran.”

“Um….” Magog Rhys Petley didn’t know what to say so he finally said, “Okay.”

He looked at the prince and then noticed the curious juxtaposition of the statue of Diana of the Ephesians against the background of an oil painting of a Paris tunnel.

He noticed Diana’s statue seemed to be urinating champagne on the prince just as Camilla came over to greet the duo.

To be continued.

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