A Timely Showdown In The Klondike

August 19, 2017 at 3:14 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , )

North Korean despot Kim Jong-un and his British House of Lords member Communist adviser Lord Byron Jennings had been working on another angle to destroy America besides nuclear weapons and the intercontinental ballistic missile program.

The idea was to send a 100,000 man North Korean Army with advanced weaponry, machine guns and tanks back in time and conquer America in the days when America did not have such weapons.

They sent their good friend Ares the Greek god of War to the Underworld to consult with Saturn/Cronus the Titan god of time on how this could be possible.

Saturn/Cronus told Ares that his reign was of course the Golden Age prior to being overthrown by his son Zeus/Jupiter.

And ever since, Saturn explained, he always had a hankering for gold.

In fact he had been building himself a small portal through time to reach Dawson City Yukon in the year 1897 at the height of the Klondike Gold Rush.

Saturn was still trying to figure out how to leave Tartarus (“that 3-headed dog Cerberus is a real pain in the ass namely because that’s where he always bites me” – Saturn/Cronus said half in Latin and half in Greek) but Ares was welcome to take the portal to Kim Jong-un and see what he could do with it on the promise that once Kim Jong-un had invaded and conquered America, he would then invade and conquer the Realm of Hades and release him the Tartarus imprisoned Saturn/Cronus (for the Titan had it on good authority that the United States of America was the gateway to Hell on Earth).

“How will I be able to carry this portal?” Ares asked Saturn looking at the large astral laser holographic rotating tunnel.

Saturn/Cronus started singing a Latin and Greek version of that old Jim Croce song “If I could save time in a bottle…’

The large astral laser holographic rotating tunnel portal then shrank to a very small size.

Saturn then reached for a bottle of The Kraken Black Spiced Rum, took the top off, said in a loud voice “Release the Kraken!” and then proceeded to empty the liquid contents of the bottle down his throat.

Saturn then instructed Ares to put the shrunken rotating portal vortex into the empty bottle and take it back to Kim Jong-un with the following instructions…

Ares told Kim Jong-un that he’d only be able to send a small group of men back in time to the Klondike in the year 1897- a group of 5000 men.

And then once they had secured the area of the spatial/temporal location of the portal, it would be possible to send more men- like Kim’s envisioned 100,000 man army.

The 100,000 man army could then march from the Klondike to Alaska and take it over.

Then board ships heading further south and take over the U.S. mainland.

Thus North Korea would be able to successfully conquer America in the late 1890s and not have to resort to nuclear weapons.

Ares then poured the rotating vortex out of the empty bottle of The Kraken Black Spiced Rum.

The astral laser holographic rotating tunnel portal then expanded to its original size.

Kim Jong-un then called for the leader of the 5000 men who would initially be sent back in time- a man by the name of Sum Yung Fuul.

Sum Yung Fuul was a big fan of the Jack London novels The Call of the Wild and White Fang and would use his knowledge of both books to find his way around the Klondike in that time period once there.

Sum Yung Fuul and his 4,999 men then walked into the rotating vortex singing the North Korean National Anthem which Lord Byron Jennings played on his theremin.

Sum Yung Fuul and his men then arrived in the Klondike on Thursday December 23rd 1897.

December 23rd of course was the last day of the ancient Roman Festival of the Saturnalia (which began on December 17th and ended on December 23rd) and it was for that reason that Saturn had chosen this date for which the rotating portal would land at the height of the Saturnalia festival.

Sum Yung Fuul and his men then walked out from the forest in which they landed and entered Dawson City.

While walking through Dawson City they encountered a blue box in the middle of the main street that said in large letters at the top just below a shining lantern POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX.

“Did they have public pay phone booths in the Klondike in 1897?” A young lieutenant asked Col. Sum Yung Fuul.

“I don’t think so,” Sum Yung Fuul replied.

He hadn’t recalled Jack London mentioning it in his books.

Another young lieutenant was about to say that it looked a lot like the TARDIS from the Doctor Who television series on BBC One but didn’t when he remembered that it was only Kim Jong-un who was allowed to watch decadent Western world TV shows and movies in the Hermit Kingdom.

If he were to open his mouth, he’d be shot by firing squad.

So he didn’t open his mouth.

The men then proceeded into the forest on the other side of Dawson City.

The lieutenant looked at his compass.

“We’ve almost got this spatial/temporal location for the portal secured, sir,” the lieutenant said to Sum Yung Fuul.

Just then a woman appeared in front of them out of nowhere.
Steampunk Klondike Serena of The Snows

The redheaded red dress woman (who was in fact the blonde Steampunk time traveler Serena who had dyed her hair red for this occasion since she’d be dealing with fighters in a Communist army) fired from both of the weapons she carried in her hands.

Like the TARDIS phone booth on Dawson City’s main street which was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside, each weapon that Serena held in her hand contained 100,000 rounds of ammunition each.

She blew all 5000 men away to Hermit Kingdom come.

She then blew into each weapon and put each one back into her side holsters on either side of her sexy red skirt.

The North Korean invasion of America in the late 1890s had been nipped in the bud before it even began.

Meanwhile Donald Trump tweeted,

@realDonaldTrump Just had a vision of a woman named Serena. Lovely lady. I wonder who she is?

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 17th
2017.

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Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery

August 4, 2017 at 5:41 pm (Arts, Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , )

Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery

It was August of 1945. Japan had surrendered. Hitler was dead. Roosevelt was dead. Churchill had been defeated in the recent British general election.

And Clement Attlee, Harry Truman and Joseph Stalin had met in Potsdam to decide the fate of the world.

And Orson Welles was busy contemplating the next movie he should make.

He was thinking of making a movie about the aftermath of the war.

But given what the world just went through, maybe audiences were looking for a film that wouldn’t be about war.

What then?

A western perhaps?

It was watching John Ford’s 1939 Western film Stagecoach over and over again that Welles had taught himself the techniques of film making when he had signed the unprecedented contract with RKO Radio Pictures to make 3 films for them.

But what sort of Western?, Welles wondered to himself.

His secretary walked into his studio office, “A young woman here to see you, Mr. Welles.”

“Really?” Welles looked out his office door and noticed a very beautiful young blonde woman standing in the reception room.

Welles stood there positively enchanted.

“Send her in,” said Welles.

His secretary motioned the woman to enter.

The young beautiful blonde woman did so.

Welles’ secretary exited and closed the door behind her.

“I’m Orson Welles,” Welles extended his hand.

“Serena,” the young woman shook his hand.

“Serena…?” Welles waited for a last name.

The woman looked at him and smiled, “The past is history and the future is mystery. So for now, I’m just Serena.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 4th
2017.

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Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

December 20, 2016 at 5:14 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

Things quieted down in Hayden, Colorado after the Aztec gold was dug up and stolen by a group of marauding Mormons who took it to Utah with them.

This later gave American forensic geologist Scott Wolter something to do for his early 21st Century TV show America Unearthed.

Since there was no longer any reason to stay in Hayden, Isis flew back to Paris by way of New York and Qonzilqointec returned to Mexico City by way of San Francisco.

“At last, peace and quiet,” Sherrielock sighed to herself as she lay in bed.

She might finally be able to get to sleep at night.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

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Qonzilqointec vs. Isis: The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

December 19, 2016 at 4:20 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec vs. Isis: The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

The Egyptian vampiress Isis was none too pleased that one of the gold bars her archaeologist found had been stolen by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec (although Qonzilqointec claimed Aztec reclamation).

“This means war,” Isis seethed.

It wasn’t long before the showdown.

As Howard Cosell might have called it had he been alive at the time, The Showdown After Sundown.

Dressed in elaborate Parisienne and Madrid made evening gowns with holsters tied around their waists, they stood (in spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes) facing one another.

Inside each holster was a hawthorne wooden stake- guaranteed to kill the Undead dead.

Or so the sign read down at Van Helsing’s Lumber Yard in town.

Both Isis and Qonzilqointec had purchased their stakes without bothering to ask if there was a money back guarantee.

The town’s sheriff called out, “Draw.”

Each vampiress quickly pulled the stake out of their respective holsters and threw it at the other.

Qonzilqointec’s stake hit and broke Isis’ right vampiric incisor tooth.

“Oh Great God Ra, that’s going to cost me a fortune in dental work,” Isis moaned.

The town dentist stood rubbing his hands in glee.

Isis’ stake hit and struck Qonzilqointec’s left breast.

“Oh great Quetzalcoatl, it’s going to cost me a fortune to get that scar removed,” Qonzilqointec moaned.

The town doctor (who had a breast fetish) stood rubbing his hands in glee.

Belvedere who was busy eating a heavily garlic laced onion soup noticed that the two vampiresses were keeping away from him (of course so was everyone else for that matter).

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

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Qonzilqointec Confronts French Archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle

December 17, 2016 at 2:27 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec Confronts French Archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle

“This gold bar has the seal of Montezuma on it,” French archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle pointed out to Belvedere.

“It doesn’t look like a seal from pictures I’ve seen of them,” Belvedere looked puzzled, “I thought a seal kind of looked like an otter sorta.”

“You’re thinking of those sea mammals that eat fish and bark a lot,” De Gaulle glared at Belvedere, “A seal in this case refers to a special symbol used to represent the authority of the Aztec Emperor Montezuma.”

“I’ll take that gold bar if you don’t mind, Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle,” the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec entered the saloon wearing a gold evening dress, “after all, it belongs to my people.”

“Your people?” Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle was astonished.

“The Aztecs,” she smiled her vampiric incisors at the Frenchman, “Do you know what we did to our sacrificial victims?”.

“Didn’t you tear their living still beating hearts out of their chests and eat them?” Dr. De Gaulle gulped.

“Yes,” she stepped closer to the archaeologist.

“I don’t think Miss Sherrielock appreciates blood on the saloon floor unless it’s in the dominatrix whipping dungeon downstairs,” Belvedere spoke up, “You’re going to have to step outside.”

Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle ran out the door.

Qonzilqointec turned into a bat and followed him out the door.

“I’m going to have to cut down on eating the chef’s wild mushroom soup special,” Belvedere remarked upon seeing the vampiress’ transformation from sexy human to winged flying mammal.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

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Qonzilqointec, Isis and The Lost Aztec Gold of Hayden, Colorado

December 16, 2016 at 4:41 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec, Isis and The Lost Aztec Gold of Hayden, Colorado

Pompidou De Gaulle was a French archaeologist. He had been hired by the Egyptian Vampiress Isis to discover the location where the Aztecs might have buried their gold after fleeing Mexico following Hernan Cortez’s conquest of Montezuma’s Empire.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec on the other hand was the woman who injected the poison she called Montezuma’s Revenge into the water supply of Mexico which affected only non-Mexican visitors to the land the Aztecs once ruled.

Several centuries later, Qonzilqointec would inject the same poison (Montezuma’s Revenge) into the drinking water at the 2016 Republican Convention in Cleveland, Ohio. She added to the mischief and mayhem by building miniature walls around the washrooms and getting the delegates to pay for them (they had to pay to enter).

Such was the situation looming in the town of Hayden, Colorado in the year 1880- a point in time between Cortez”s conquest of Mexico in 1519 and the Republican National Convention in Cleveland in 2016.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 26th
2016.

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Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On Vampiresses In The Wild West Town of Hayden

December 15, 2016 at 5:37 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On Vampiresses In The Wild West Town of Hayden

The Wild West Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon owner Sherrielock Holmes sat in a white evening dress in her second floor office above the saloon tabulating last month’s profits. She had noticed her accountant had made a mistake in tabulating the figures.

She bit down sharply on the prongs of the cat o’ nine tails she kept in her office- a sure sign that she was angry. She would have to give him a good tomatoing over this.

She turned her mind to other things that were troubling her. She had heard that there were two vampiresses in the town of Hayden, Colorado- both of them looking for lost Aztec gold. She had the feeling this town wasn’t big enough for the both of them- and one of them would have to get out of town by sunrise.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 25th
2016.

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Belvedere Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

December 14, 2016 at 6:26 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

Belvedere was down in The Wild Tomatoes and Mushrooms Saloon working late when the saloon door opened and in walked a beautiful Egyptian looking woman in a maroon red evening dress.

“Good evening,” said Belvedere.

“I am the Egyptian Vampiress Isis,” said the woman as she walked regally towards Belvedere’s bar.

“A vampiress?” Belvedere reached for a glass of water and gulped it down, “Another vampiress was in here recently.”

“That wasn’t the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec by any chance was it?” Isis bore her fangs.

“As a matter of fact it was,” Belvedere poured himself a second glass of water.

“She must be looking for the lost Aztec gold as well,” Isis ordered a glass of cognac.

“She was,” Belvedere reached for a third glass of water and then poured a cognac handing it to Isis.

“I shall beat her to it,” said Isis.

“I take it you two are rivals,” Belvedere thought of Generals Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant.

“She supported Juarez and I supported the Emperor Maximilian in the Mexican War,” Isis recalled her attempts to help French Emperor Napoleon III dominate world affairs.

“I take it you don’t celebrate Cinco De Mayo then?” Belvedere asked casually.

Isis threw the cognac in his face.

“I’ll take that as a no, then,” Belvedere wiped his face with a towel.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 24th
2016.

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The Old Gunslinger Returns

July 6, 2016 at 8:28 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , )

The Old Gunslinger Returns

As Belvedere stood behind the bar on this warm evening and pondered the exciting possibility that there might actually be Aztec gold in Hayden, Colorado, Sherrielock Holmes came running down the stairs in a lovely black and white evening gown and shouted, “Someone get Fat Tommy to the saloon. The Desperate Desperados Gang is riding into town tonight.”

The Desperate Desperados were a gang of cutthroat bandits and outlaws who took no prisoners but helped themselves to everything else.

Fat Tommy in his youth had been a famous gunslinger who then had the name Slim Tommy.

But times had changed.

Tommy lost his gunslinging ability for hamburger slinging followed by swallowing.

He had exchanged his slim waist line for an opportunity to play Moby Dick in a stage production (provided he lost enough weight to fit the whale’s actual size).

Still desperate times called for desperate measures and seeing as how the Desperate Desperados were riding into town, Fat Tommy was being asked by Sherrielock Holmes to gunsling once more.

Fat Tommy arrived in the saloon (he had some trouble getting through the swinging doors) and tried sitting down (breaking dozens of chairs in the process) and finally stood at the bar and ordered 300 plates of pork and beans.

When he finished his 300th plate, he wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and walked (more like waddled) out the door.

It was sundown.

The Desperate Desperados were just riding into town with their guns drawn and hooting and hollering.

They stopped outside the saloon.

Fat Tommy turned around, bent over and let ‘er rip.

That explains the reason for the huge quantity of pork and beans eaten, Belvedere thought as he watched.

The Desperate Desperados rode out of town like bats out of Hell.

Never had Belvedere seen outlaws or horses move so quickly.

Fat Tommy then started walking back towards the saloon.

“No, Fat Tommy,” Sherrielock ordered, “you’re not coming back in here tonight. I’ve yet to buy insurance on the chandeliers.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 6th
2016.

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Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec

July 4, 2016 at 8:31 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , )

Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec

Belvedere was awarded the Hayden, Colorado Town Medal of Valour for slaying the vampire.

After the ceremony, Belvedere went back to the saloon.

He began wiping down the bar.

Just then the saloon doors opened and a beautiful looking Mexican woman wearing a beautiful purple evening dress walked through the doors.

She walked up to the bar.

“Evening, ma’am,” Belvedere greeted her, “what can I get you?”.

“Just a glass of iced water please,” she answered.

“One glass of iced water coming up,” Belvedere poured her a glass of iced water from the pitcher kept in the cooler.

“So you’re the man who slew the vampire?” She looked at him.

“Wow, word certainly gets around, doesn’t it?” Belvedere blushed.

“I myself am a Vampiress,” the woman smiled showing sharp vampiric incisors, “I am the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.”

“Really?” Belvedere looked shocked.

He felt bad at having to stake such a beautiful woman.

“But I’m not here to bite anyone on the neck so you don’t have to stake me,” Qonzilqointec smiled.

“That’s good to hear,” Belvedere quickly drank a glass of iced water himself.

“I’m here in Hayden, Colorado because,” the Aztec vampire princess leaned over to whisper to him, “this is one of the places believed that a group of Aztecs heading north to escape Cortes’ conquest of the Aztec Empire came and buried the Lost Gold of the Aztecs.”

“Really?” Belvedere was intrigued.

“So I’m here to look for it,” Qonzilqointec smiled, “Thanks for the iced water.”

She walked out the door.

“Any time,” Belvedere shouted, “here in Hayden, iced water is thicker than blood.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 12th
2016.

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