A Timely Showdown In The Klondike
North Korean despot Kim Jong-un and his British House of Lords member Communist adviser Lord Byron Jennings had been working on another angle to destroy America besides nuclear weapons and the intercontinental ballistic missile program.
The idea was to send a 100,000 man North Korean Army with advanced weaponry, machine guns and tanks back in time and conquer America in the days when America did not have such weapons.
They sent their good friend Ares the Greek god of War to the Underworld to consult with Saturn/Cronus the Titan god of time on how this could be possible.
Saturn/Cronus told Ares that his reign was of course the Golden Age prior to being overthrown by his son Zeus/Jupiter.
And ever since, Saturn explained, he always had a hankering for gold.
In fact he had been building himself a small portal through time to reach Dawson City Yukon in the year 1897 at the height of the Klondike Gold Rush.
Saturn was still trying to figure out how to leave Tartarus (“that 3-headed dog Cerberus is a real pain in the ass namely because that’s where he always bites me” – Saturn/Cronus said half in Latin and half in Greek) but Ares was welcome to take the portal to Kim Jong-un and see what he could do with it on the promise that once Kim Jong-un had invaded and conquered America, he would then invade and conquer the Realm of Hades and release him the Tartarus imprisoned Saturn/Cronus (for the Titan had it on good authority that the United States of America was the gateway to Hell on Earth).
“How will I be able to carry this portal?” Ares asked Saturn looking at the large astral laser holographic rotating tunnel.
Saturn/Cronus started singing a Latin and Greek version of that old Jim Croce song “If I could save time in a bottle…’
The large astral laser holographic rotating tunnel portal then shrank to a very small size.
Saturn then reached for a bottle of The Kraken Black Spiced Rum, took the top off, said in a loud voice “Release the Kraken!” and then proceeded to empty the liquid contents of the bottle down his throat.
Saturn then instructed Ares to put the shrunken rotating portal vortex into the empty bottle and take it back to Kim Jong-un with the following instructions…
Ares told Kim Jong-un that he’d only be able to send a small group of men back in time to the Klondike in the year 1897- a group of 5000 men.
And then once they had secured the area of the spatial/temporal location of the portal, it would be possible to send more men- like Kim’s envisioned 100,000 man army.
The 100,000 man army could then march from the Klondike to Alaska and take it over.
Then board ships heading further south and take over the U.S. mainland.
Thus North Korea would be able to successfully conquer America in the late 1890s and not have to resort to nuclear weapons.
Ares then poured the rotating vortex out of the empty bottle of The Kraken Black Spiced Rum.
The astral laser holographic rotating tunnel portal then expanded to its original size.
Kim Jong-un then called for the leader of the 5000 men who would initially be sent back in time- a man by the name of Sum Yung Fuul.
Sum Yung Fuul was a big fan of the Jack London novels The Call of the Wild and White Fang and would use his knowledge of both books to find his way around the Klondike in that time period once there.
Sum Yung Fuul and his 4,999 men then walked into the rotating vortex singing the North Korean National Anthem which Lord Byron Jennings played on his theremin.
Sum Yung Fuul and his men then arrived in the Klondike on Thursday December 23rd 1897.
December 23rd of course was the last day of the ancient Roman Festival of the Saturnalia (which began on December 17th and ended on December 23rd) and it was for that reason that Saturn had chosen this date for which the rotating portal would land at the height of the Saturnalia festival.
Sum Yung Fuul and his men then walked out from the forest in which they landed and entered Dawson City.
While walking through Dawson City they encountered a blue box in the middle of the main street that said in large letters at the top just below a shining lantern POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX.
“Did they have public pay phone booths in the Klondike in 1897?” A young lieutenant asked Col. Sum Yung Fuul.
“I don’t think so,” Sum Yung Fuul replied.
He hadn’t recalled Jack London mentioning it in his books.
Another young lieutenant was about to say that it looked a lot like the TARDIS from the Doctor Who television series on BBC One but didn’t when he remembered that it was only Kim Jong-un who was allowed to watch decadent Western world TV shows and movies in the Hermit Kingdom.
If he were to open his mouth, he’d be shot by firing squad.
So he didn’t open his mouth.
The men then proceeded into the forest on the other side of Dawson City.
The lieutenant looked at his compass.
“We’ve almost got this spatial/temporal location for the portal secured, sir,” the lieutenant said to Sum Yung Fuul.
Just then a woman appeared in front of them out of nowhere.
The redheaded red dress woman (who was in fact the blonde Steampunk time traveler Serena who had dyed her hair red for this occasion since she’d be dealing with fighters in a Communist army) fired from both of the weapons she carried in her hands.
Like the TARDIS phone booth on Dawson City’s main street which was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside, each weapon that Serena held in her hand contained 100,000 rounds of ammunition each.
She blew all 5000 men away to Hermit Kingdom come.
She then blew into each weapon and put each one back into her side holsters on either side of her sexy red skirt.
The North Korean invasion of America in the late 1890s had been nipped in the bud before it even began.
Meanwhile Donald Trump tweeted,
@realDonaldTrump Just had a vision of a woman named Serena. Lovely lady. I wonder who she is?
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 17th
2017.
Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery
Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery
It was August of 1945. Japan had surrendered. Hitler was dead. Roosevelt was dead. Churchill had been defeated in the recent British general election.
And Clement Attlee, Harry Truman and Joseph Stalin had met in Potsdam to decide the fate of the world.
And Orson Welles was busy contemplating the next movie he should make.
He was thinking of making a movie about the aftermath of the war.
But given what the world just went through, maybe audiences were looking for a film that wouldn’t be about war.
What then?
A western perhaps?
It was watching John Ford’s 1939 Western film Stagecoach over and over again that Welles had taught himself the techniques of film making when he had signed the unprecedented contract with RKO Radio Pictures to make 3 films for them.
But what sort of Western?, Welles wondered to himself.
His secretary walked into his studio office, “A young woman here to see you, Mr. Welles.”
“Really?” Welles looked out his office door and noticed a very beautiful young blonde woman standing in the reception room.
Welles stood there positively enchanted.
“Send her in,” said Welles.
His secretary motioned the woman to enter.
The young beautiful blonde woman did so.
Welles’ secretary exited and closed the door behind her.
“I’m Orson Welles,” Welles extended his hand.
“Serena,” the young woman shook his hand.
“Serena…?” Welles waited for a last name.
The woman looked at him and smiled, “The past is history and the future is mystery. So for now, I’m just Serena.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 4th
2017.
The Old Gunslinger Returns
The Old Gunslinger Returns
As Belvedere stood behind the bar on this warm evening and pondered the exciting possibility that there might actually be Aztec gold in Hayden, Colorado, Sherrielock Holmes came running down the stairs in a lovely black and white evening gown and shouted, “Someone get Fat Tommy to the saloon. The Desperate Desperados Gang is riding into town tonight.”
The Desperate Desperados were a gang of cutthroat bandits and outlaws who took no prisoners but helped themselves to everything else.
Fat Tommy in his youth had been a famous gunslinger who then had the name Slim Tommy.
But times had changed.
Tommy lost his gunslinging ability for hamburger slinging followed by swallowing.
He had exchanged his slim waist line for an opportunity to play Moby Dick in a stage production (provided he lost enough weight to fit the whale’s actual size).
Still desperate times called for desperate measures and seeing as how the Desperate Desperados were riding into town, Fat Tommy was being asked by Sherrielock Holmes to gunsling once more.
Fat Tommy arrived in the saloon (he had some trouble getting through the swinging doors) and tried sitting down (breaking dozens of chairs in the process) and finally stood at the bar and ordered 300 plates of pork and beans.
When he finished his 300th plate, he wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and walked (more like waddled) out the door.
It was sundown.
The Desperate Desperados were just riding into town with their guns drawn and hooting and hollering.
They stopped outside the saloon.
Fat Tommy turned around, bent over and let ‘er rip.
That explains the reason for the huge quantity of pork and beans eaten, Belvedere thought as he watched.
The Desperate Desperados rode out of town like bats out of Hell.
Never had Belvedere seen outlaws or horses move so quickly.
Fat Tommy then started walking back towards the saloon.
“No, Fat Tommy,” Sherrielock ordered, “you’re not coming back in here tonight. I’ve yet to buy insurance on the chandeliers.”
-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 6th
2016.
Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec
Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec
Belvedere was awarded the Hayden, Colorado Town Medal of Valour for slaying the vampire.
After the ceremony, Belvedere went back to the saloon.
He began wiping down the bar.
Just then the saloon doors opened and a beautiful looking Mexican woman wearing a beautiful purple evening dress walked through the doors.
She walked up to the bar.
“Evening, ma’am,” Belvedere greeted her, “what can I get you?”.
“Just a glass of iced water please,” she answered.
“One glass of iced water coming up,” Belvedere poured her a glass of iced water from the pitcher kept in the cooler.
“So you’re the man who slew the vampire?” She looked at him.
“Wow, word certainly gets around, doesn’t it?” Belvedere blushed.
“I myself am a Vampiress,” the woman smiled showing sharp vampiric incisors, “I am the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.”
“Really?” Belvedere looked shocked.
He felt bad at having to stake such a beautiful woman.
“But I’m not here to bite anyone on the neck so you don’t have to stake me,” Qonzilqointec smiled.
“That’s good to hear,” Belvedere quickly drank a glass of iced water himself.
“I’m here in Hayden, Colorado because,” the Aztec vampire princess leaned over to whisper to him, “this is one of the places believed that a group of Aztecs heading north to escape Cortes’ conquest of the Aztec Empire came and buried the Lost Gold of the Aztecs.”
“Really?” Belvedere was intrigued.
“So I’m here to look for it,” Qonzilqointec smiled, “Thanks for the iced water.”
She walked out the door.
“Any time,” Belvedere shouted, “here in Hayden, iced water is thicker than blood.”
-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 12th
2016.
