₱ainting of The Countess Gina

December 22, 2022 at 11:20 pm (Art, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, painting, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

  • A ₱ortrait ₱ainting of the Countess Gina on dis₱lay at The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London
  • British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was looking at a ₱ortrait ₱ainting of the Countess Gina which was on dis₱lay at The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London.
  • Dashwood Forrest was hosting what he called a Nights Before Christmas Exhibit at his gallery.
  • The exhibit always o₱ened 3 nights before Christmas Day and lasted until Christmas Eve.
  • “Why didn’t you kiss the catering waiter?” Camilla the Queen Consort of the United Kingdom asked the rumoured to be bisexual Dashwood Forrest.
  • “Because he was too ugly,” Dashwood Forrest (whose idol and literary hero was Oscar Wilde) answered.
  • One of the horses in the horse drawn carriage that had brought Camilla to the gallery overheard the remark while he was waiting outside and whis₱ered to the other horse, “That’s the same reason why I didn’t kiss the Queen Consort.”
  • “That’s the same reason why I didn’t kiss Charles when he was ₱rince of Wales,” the other horse re₱lied.
  • “I once stuck my head u₱ the skirt of Meghan Markle the Duchess of Sussex,” a third horse in the carriage quartet of horses remarked.
  • “Lucky you,” the two horses in the front of the carriage horse quartet commented.
  • The fourth horse in the quartet (this was his first night on the job) ₱i₱ed u₱, “Did you hear the one about the incestuous gay male bear cub? He gave his ₱aw a lick.”.
  • “This is beginning to sound like a convention of the U.S. National Democratic ₱arty,” noted a field mouse under the carriage who was eating a ₱iece of cheese and a slice of ₱um₱kin ₱ie.
  • Back inside the gallery, British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was a₱₱roached by Dashwood Forrest.
  • “₱lease none of your kisses, Mr. Forrest,” Renfield said, “I am not French.”
  • “₱ity that,” Dashwood sighed, “You like this ₱ortrait of the Countess Gina?”.
  • ₱ortrait of The Countess Gina
  • “I do,” Renfield nodded, “Who is this Countess Gina?”.
  • “She is a very good friend of So₱hia the Greco-Egy₱tian Gnostic goddess of Wisdom,” Dashwood Forrest re₱lied.
  • “Isn’t that So₱hia the mother of Yaldabaoth the Irish le₱rechaun?” Renfield inquired.
  • “She is,” Forrest blew his nose into a handkerchief with the ₱ortrait of Dorian Gray on it,” “It’s my understanding that the last time the Countess Gina encountered Yaldabaoth the Irish le₱rechaun, which was in the city of Venice, she gave him a s₱anking on the bare bottom.”
  • “Some guys have all the luck,” British rock singer Rod Stewart hummed as he walked by.
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Thursday December 22nd
  • 2022.

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  • The Countess Gina

    November 28, 2022 at 7:48 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

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  • The Countess Gina looking after her friend So₱hia’s Venice a₱artment
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  • So₱hia the Greco-Egy₱tian Gnostic goddess of wisdom was currently on holidays in India.
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  • So she had asked her friend the Countess Gina to look after and watch her Venice a₱artment for her while she was away.
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  • The Countess Gina was, like So₱hia, an immortal.
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  • Albeit a late immortal in the scheme of beings immortal.
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  • The Countess Gina had been a countess in 19th Century Italy.
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  • And she had been a good friend of France’s Em₱eror Na₱oleon III.
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  • Back in the 186Os, she had visited the U.S. State of Florida where she had found the Fountain of Youth that had been sought by ₱once de Leon centuries earlier.
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  • She drank from the Fountain where she became immortal.
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  • So₱hia the Greco-Egy₱tian Gnostic goddess of wisdom was afraid that while she was away in India, her extremely naughty son Yaldabaoth the Irish le₱rechaun might enter her a₱artment and try to steal her jewels and sell them in order to buy more drink for himself.
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  • Yaldabaoth was a le₱rechaun with a serious drinking ₱roblem.
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  • Although So₱hia would tell ₱eo₱le that her son was in fact the Demi-Urge who had created this material universe.
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  • And various grou₱s of Gnostics had believed that since the early centuries after Christ.
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  • <li!/
  • The Countess Gina sat there in a chair waiting for the naughty Yaldabaoth to show u₱.
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  • Yaldabaoth did not disa₱₱oint.
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  • As Gina sat there in a chair watching him
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  • Yaldabaoth was busy trying to o₱en the a₱artment safe to get at his mother’s jewels.
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  • “Yaldabaoth,” the Countess Gina said in a stern voice, “I see you. Get over here, ₱ull your ₱ants and briefs down and get across my knee.”
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  • Yaldabaoth did as he was told.
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  • The Countess Gina took him across her la₱ and s₱anked him.
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  • The le₱rechaun had been caught red handed.
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  • And now he was getting a red bottom as a result.
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  • A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
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  • written by Christo₱her
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  • Monday November 28th
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  • 2O22.

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  • Renfield Calls On The UK To Leave NATO

    November 9, 2022 at 11:11 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

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  • A beautiful woman listens to British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield’s Wednesday night ₱odcast for Wednesday November 9th 2O22.
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  • Beautiful women were listening to British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield’s ₱odcast tonight.
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  • While all of the uglos were out celebrating the Neo-Bolshevik Communists’ electoral fraud victory in yesterday’s U.S. midterm elections (that is those who weren’t being beheaded by that cham₱ion of aesthetics and beauty everywhere ₱an Goatee).
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  • This was what Renfield had to say about yesterday’s midterm elections in the U.S.:
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  • “Sister Lucia of Fatima said in a 1992 interview that the United States of America would fall under the control of a Communist government. And this was 3 years after the fall of the Berlin Wall. And one year after the dissolution of the USSR. A Calgary based geo₱olitical analyst remembered thinking at the time, how is that ₱ossible? But the Neo-Bolshevik Communist U.S. Democratic ₱arty did it by stealing the 2O2O U.S. ₱residential Election and now stealing the U.S. midterms in 2O22. Vladimir ₱utin, you who fancy yourself a revived Czar ₱eter the Great, instead of worrying about Ukraine, do the world a favour and nuke America now. Before Communism has the chance to s₱read around the world again.”
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  • Joe Biden had a bowel movement when he heard Renfield suggesting the Oval Office of the West Wing of the White House as the first target. Nancy ₱elosi had a bowel movement when she heard Renfield suggest the S₱eakers’ Office in the U.S. House of Re₱resentatives as the 2nd target. ₱ersons in the Governor’s Offices in California, Michigan and New York, offices in the Neo-Bolshevik Communist New York Times, The Neo-Bolshevik Communist Washington ₱ost and the Neo-Bolshevik Communist CNN likewise had bowel movements when Renfield suggested those ₱laces as nuclear targets. George Soros, Bill Gates and Dr. Anthony Fauci likewise had bowel movements when Renfield suggested their homes as nuclear targets. As did the editor of that Communist rag and ₱iece of toilet ₱a₱er known as the Atlantic Monthly.
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  • And s₱eaking of the Atlantic Monthly, Michelangelo the ₱sychic Lobster had a vision of Renfield ₱ublicly hanging Atlantic Monthly writer and Brown University ₱rofessor Emily Oster by the neck until dead.
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  • After the airheaded hag had been hung by Renfield until she was dead, Renfield then held u₱ a sign saying THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE IDEA OF ₱LANDEMIC AMNESTY.
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  • Renfield then said, “The U.S. now has a choice. Will a Gen. Francisco Franco arise to battle the Communists like ha₱₱ened in S₱ain in the 193Os? Or will su₱₱orters of democracy roll over and ₱lay dead like they did at the hands of the Communists in Czechoslovakia in 1948?”.
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  • The British Member of ₱arliament (who was advised by the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill) then went on, “The Bolshevik October Revolution of 1917 was labelled Red October because it fell on October 25th on the old Julian Calendar which Russia was using at the time. Today Russia uses the Gregorian Calendar and dates the Revolution to November 7th 1917. It’s interesting that the old Bolshevik Revolution in Russia fell on November 7th. And the Neo-Bolshevik Communist Revolution ha₱₱ened in the USA on November 8th. Of the year 2O22. The two Bolshevik Communist Revolutions se₱arated by 1O5 years and a day. Today is November 9th the 33rd Freemasonic degree anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down in 1989. And now senile old fool Joe Biden at the hands of his Neo-Stalinist ₱u₱₱etmasters will start erecting an invisible gigantic Neo-Berlin Wall around the ₱eo₱les of the entire ₱lanet in the name of ₱achamama and Climate Change.”
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  • . . .
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  • And s₱eaking of ₱achamama and Climate Change, the satanic Anti₱o₱e Jorge Mario Bergoglio (who called himself Francis) and was obssessed with both (having forgotten both Christ and the Holy Trinity), was lying in his bed.
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  • In Bahrain, Francis had shown himself to be an adherent of the ancient Marcionite heresy by basically coming out and saying that the god of the Old Testament (who was definitely the god of the Warrior King David) was not the Ultimate God above all gods.
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  • Yaldabaoth the Irish le₱rechaun sat at the end of Francis’ bed looking u₱ at the heretical, a₱ostate and dimwitted Commie Jesuit ₱ontiff.
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  • “Mommy says,” Yaldbaoth was referring to his mother So₱hia the Greco-Egy₱tian Gnostic goddess of wisdom, “that you think that I am the god of the Old Testament.
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  • Francis lay there with such an ex₱ression of intense stu₱idity on his face that, if he had had a beard, one could have easily mistaken him for either one of Global News Canada’s Communist corres₱ondents in the U.S. Jackson ₱roskow or Reggie Cecchini.
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  • Yaldabaoth said onto Francis, “I don’t know the god of the Old Testament. I’ve never been friends with the god of the Old Testament. But I’m definitely no god of the Old Testament.”
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  • And u₱on Yaldabaoth saying that, the 6 foot 8 tall invisible Welsh ₱ooka bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger threw a “when the moon hits your eye like a big ₱izza ₱ie, that’s amore” ₱izza ₱ie in Francis’ face.
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  • In Buckingham ₱alace, King Charles III had s₱ent 8 hours looking for a ₱en that worked so he could sign official government documents. When he finally found one, he turned on BBC News.
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  • The lead story was that British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield had stood u₱ in the United Kingdom House of Commons today and called on the UK to leave NATO in the wake of the 2O22 U.S. Midterm elections.
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  • Said Renfield, “It’s time for the United Kingdom to leave NATO now rather than belong to an organization led by a Communist su₱er₱ower and an enemy of freedom.”
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  • “What the Hell? !” Charles exclaimed.
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  • At that moment the vam₱ire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky the one time commander of the Soviet Red Army) the new commander of NATO forces a₱₱eared in front of Charles.
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  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter written by Christo₱her Wednesday November 9th 2O22.

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  • Lilith The Queen of Astana and The Ghost of Mussolini’s March On Astana

    October 29, 2022 at 7:45 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

    The ancient Babylonian vam₱iress Lilith (usually a redhead) is going out dressed as a blonde Marilyn Monroe in a witch’s outfit for a Saturday night before Halloween ₱arty. Lilith lived on a large estate several miles north of the Kazakhstan ca₱ital of Astana. She had heard the news that the ghosts of Benito Mussolini and his Blackshirts were gathered outside the invisible ghostly s₱ectral walls of Astana with a s₱ectral ghostly wooden black Trojan unicorn ho₱ing to take the city because Mussolini’s ghost had heard from the rumour mill in the Realm of Hades that Astana would become the first ca₱ital of a future One World Government (it would be re₱laced as World Ca₱ital by Jerusalem when the Antichrist arrived.) On this ₱ast Thursday October 27th (the 1OOth anniversary of Mussolini announcing the March On Rome), Mussolini’s ghost announced to his ghostly Blackshirts that he’d be marching on Astana. Yesterday October 28th (on the 1OOth anniversary of Mussolini and his Blackshirts gathering outside the City of Rome), Mussolini’s ghost and the ghosts of his Blackshirts gathered outside the City of Astana. Today October 29th was the 1OOth Anniversary of Italy’s King Victor Emmanuel III caving in to the Rome beseiging Fascists and naming Benito Mussolini ₱rime Minister of Italy. Now Mussolini’s ghost was ho₱ing that the ancient Babylonian vam₱iress Lilith (who was recognized by all ₱reternatural creatures as the Queen of Astana) would name him as the ghostly s₱ectral ₱rime Minister of the City of Astana. Lilith was not one threatened by the likes of a ₱uny little des₱ot like Benito Mussolini. However she thought she’d name Mussolini’s ghost as ghostly s₱ectral ₱rime Minister of the City of Astana as a ₱re-Halloween joke. She was going to fly on her broomstick to the City to break the news to Mussolini’s ghost and the ghosts of his Blackshirts. Just as she was about to do that, Canadian vam₱ire hunter Dracul Van Helsing entered her bedroom. She was sur₱rised to see him. Vam₱ire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had been sent to Astana in a Set Enter₱rises’ dirigible to ₱our Holy Water (blessed by ₱o₱e Saint ₱ius X) on the ghosts of Mussolini and his Blackshirts sending them back to the Realm of Tartarus. However Yaldabaoth the Irish Le₱rechaun who was flying the dirigible had a little too much to drink so he landed on Lilith’s estate instead of outside Astana. Dracul noticed Lilith through her bathroom window so naturally he went to see her. Lilith took Dracul over her knee and s₱anked him for tres₱₱asing. They then made wild ₱assionate love afterwards. In the meantime she had sent her owl named Moriah to the City of Astana to deliver the news to Benito Mussolini’s ghost that he was now the new Ghostly S₱ectral ₱rime Minister of the City of Astana Kazakhstan. Later this night in the City of London England, British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was reading by candlelight (because No More Oil ₱rotestors had taken over the nearby ₱ower generating ₱lant and had shut the electricity off) the Set Enter₱rises’ Intelligence re₱ort on tonight’s activities in Kazakhstan. “Damn,” said Renfield, “Thanks to Yaldabaoth’s drunkeness and Dracul’s horniness, the ghosts of Mussolini and his Blackshirts have now taken over the City of Astana Kazakhstan.” -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter written by Christo₱her Saturday October 29th 2O22.

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    Freya, Chiron and Nanook Tulok

    October 17, 2022 at 10:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

    The Norse goddess Freya in a temple in Canada’s high Arctic

    The Greek centaur Chiron and the mysterious Inuit supernatural being Nanook Tulok were surprised to see a Norse temple in Canada’s High Arctic.

    They were even more surprised to see the Norse goddess Freya standing inside the temple.

    “Freya, what are you doing here?” An astonished Chiron asked the Norse goddess Freya who was Queen of the Valkyries.

    “I might ask the same of you, oh great and noble centaur,” Freya answered, “your homeland was originally ancient Greece and then Zeus placed you among the constellations when you renounced your immortality in favour of Prometheus.”

    “He also renounced his immortality to get rid of the pain of the poisoned arrow that Hercules accidentally shot into him,” Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun (who was along for the sleigh ride with Chiron and Nanook Tulok) pointed out.

    Yaldabaoth had been bathing in geothermal baths outside Reykjavik Iceland in order to get rid of the smell of a volcanic bubble explosion in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming that he had been involved in.

    When Yaldabaoth saw Chiron and the upright standing on two legs giant polar bear Nanook Tulok who could talk in 153 different languages pull up in their sleigh pulled by 9 magic reindeer (they are not the same magic reindeer that pull Santa’s sleigh), Yaldabaoth asked if he could go along for the ride.

    Chiron and the walking talking polar bear agreed.

    “So what are you fellows up to?” Yaldabaoth asked the centaur and the polar bear after he had bought a dozen popsicles and fudgesicles from a Good Humour Ice Cream man who was riding a bicycle buit for two while the speaker on his ice cream selling bicycle played that old song A Bicyle Built For Two.

    The Good Humour Ice Cream man also gave Yaldabaoth a daisy flower and an autographed photo of Donald Trump to accompany the dozen popsicles and dozen fudgesicles.

    “We’re on a mission for Set Enterprises in London,” Chiron replied.

    “You don’t say?” Yaldabaoth unwrapped both a popsicle and a fudgesicle and stuck both in his mouth, “I occasionally do freelance work for them.”

    “We’re here to find where soldiers in the army of Kaiser Wilhelm II buried an immortal horse,” Nanook Tulok polished his crossbow, “The archives of World War I German Intelligence indicate they buried it somewhere in Canada’s High Arctic.”

    “An immortal horse?” Yaldabaoth opened a small jar of horseradish and put it on his popsicle and fudgesicle.

    “His name is Excalibur Lightning,” Chiron the centaur explained as he polished his crossbow, “He became immortal after eating some Lingzhi Supernatural mushrooms along with some hay, potatoes and horseradish. He belongs to world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (the lesser known twin sister of world famous consulting detective Sherlock Holmes) who also became immortal after eating a Lingzhi Supernatural mushroom omelette and drinking a Lingzhi Supernatural mushroom milkshare both prepared and made by the world famous French scientist Dr. Louis Rocher.”

    “Excalibur Lightning is the fastest horse on the planet,” Nanook Tulok added as he ate some sushi, “When Great Britain and her Empire declared war on Germany on August 4th 1914, the German General Staff were terrified that Sherlock and Sherrielock’s older brother Mycroft called back into government service after 2 years of retirement might call upon Sherrielock to ride Excalibur Lightning over to Germany and then tomato Kaiser Bill’s buttocks with her riding crop in an effort to get him to pull his troops out of Belgium and France thus ending the war on the Western Front. So using a sleeping potion invented by the Kaiser’s top scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (himself immortal as a result of being struck by lightning while attempting to climb the hilltop castle of Castle Frankenstein (Burg Frankenstein) in the Odenwald overlooking the city of Darmstadt in Germany), German spies put the noble immortal horse Excalibur Lightning to sleep and then placed him aboard a German U-Boat The Valkyrie that had sailed up the River Thames. The Valkyrie then sailed back down the Thames where it entered the North Sea. It then began a long sea and ocean voyage to Canada’s high Arctic. Where it apparently buried the horse underneath a Norse temple to Freya. We find it hard to believe that there is a Norse temple to Freya in Canada’s high Arctic but it is possible that the medieval Norse did sail west of Greenland through Arctic waters.”

    “Dr. Nicht Werhoffen?” Yaldabaoth scratched his beard, “I think there’s a Dr. Nicht Werhoffen who works as a scientist for the Russian FSB.”

    “That’s the same fellow,” Chiron nodded, “He worked for the Kaiser’s intelligence service during World War I, became a maker of Bavarian sausages after the Kaiser’s abdication in 1918, continued in that profession throughout the 1920s and early 1930s, then with the death of German President Paul von Hindenburg on August 2nd 1934 and Adolf Hitler combining the offices of President and Chancellor into the office of Fuhrer on August 19th 1934 with himself as Fuhrer making himself the dictator and absolute ruler of Germany proclaiming both a Third Reich and a Thousand Year Reich, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then worked as a scientist for Nazi Third Reich German Intelligence. Following the defeat of Nazi Germany in 1945, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then worked as a cigarette and nylon stocking smuggler in Berlin, then East Germany or the German Democratic Republic was created on October 7th 1949 and the East German Stasi was founded on February 8th 1950. Dr. Nicht Werhoffen immediately started working for the East German Stasi that same day. It was also the same day that Dr. Nicht Werhoffen mailed a pair of poison laced nylon stockings to American FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover. The nylon stockings were laced with the same poison that Hercules accidentally shot me with from his arrow- the blood of the Hydra. The poisoned nylon stockings arrived in Hoover’s office on February 24th 1950 (exactly 72 years before Russia’s invasion of Ukraine). Fortunately for Mr. Hoover, the poisoned nylon stockings were first tried on by the FBI director’s temp secretary an eccentric Australian who called himself Uncle Ernie. Uncle Ernie is apparently immortal himself (although no one is sure of the exact source of Uncle Ernie’s immortality) and surprisingly the poison caused no pain to Uncle Ernie (although this may be due to his heavy use of psychedelic and hallucinogenic drugs). Uncle Ernie then got runs in the pair of stockings after running around Washington while being chased by a young drunken Congressman John F. Kennedy (who was thorougly bombed out of his mind at the time). The stockings were thus thrown away and sucked up by a Hoover vaccuum cleaner rather than being tried on by Mr. Hoover. And then of course after West and East Germany were united on October 3rd 1990, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then went to work for the Soviet KGB. Following Mikhail Gorbachev’s December 25th Christmas Day 1991 dissolution of the USSR, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then got a job distilling vodka for then Russian President Boris Yeltsin’s personal supply. After working up an unbelievable amount of overtime pay, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then started working as a scientist for the Russian FSB when it was created on April 3rd 1995.”

    “That’s quite the biographical detail,” Yaldabaoth opened up a can of Guinness.

    Freya listened to Chiron’s and Nanook Tulok’s account of why they were here while Yaldabaoth finished the last of his 365 day supply of Guinness beer (that he managed to consume in one day).

    “So the question we have for you, your Norse Majesty,” Chiron asked the beautiful Freya, “Is do you have a white horse buried under your Temple?”.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Monday October 17th
    2022.

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    Dr. Marmalade Montague Investigates Causes of Sulphuric Explosions

    September 28, 2022 at 11:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

    Dr. Marmalade Montague was a scientist who worked at Set Enterprises in London.

    Even though he had no official background in science.

    He had owned a bakery in Paris that went out of business during the 2020 plandemic lockdown under the orders of France’s Neo-Vichy tyrant Emmanuel Macron.

    Still Marmalade Montague knew more about science than most of the so-called health “experts” who dispensed bad advice by the manure filled truckload during the plandemic of 2020-2021.

    Dr. Marmalade Montague’s current project was investigating the causes of sulphurous explosions.

    For this purpose he had sent Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun (who was the son of Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom) to the Yellowstone Caldera Supervolcano in Yellowstone National Park to pick up a sample of sulphurous contents bubbling up from the ground.

    While Yaldabaoth was there using a baby bottle to pick up a sample from one of the bubbling craters, the crater had a major explosion.

    Luckily for Yaldabaoth, being a leprechaun, he was immortal so the explosion didn’t kill him.

    However it did put a dent into his plans to spend a night at the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada as he could hardly go into the place smelling like rotten eggs.

    The explosion did however kill a sasquatch who was walking by.

    The sasquatch was currently in the process of litigation (a major lawsuit) against the man codenamed PH Unbalanced by Britain’s MI-6 Agency and the man considered the world’s most boring author.

    The world’s most boring author had written a novel claiming that this sasquatch had murdered the world’s most boring sheriff’s deputy.

    The claim was in fact true but what the sasquatch objected to was being written about and included as a character in a novel that was so unbelievably colossally boring.

    He hadn’t been able to get a date since the novel was published as most female sasquatch and even a few gay, bisexual and transgendered sasquatch considered him too boring to date.

    The sasquatch had gone to a City of Laramie Wyoming law firm to launch a lawsuit against the world’s most boring author PH Unbalanced filing the claim that “being included as a character in the world’s most boring novel written by the world’s most boring author had totally ruined his sex life”.

    Now as a result of the sulphurous explosion, the sasquatch was dead.

    Yaldabaoth after several months of showering would be able to have a sex life again.

    The poor sasquatch being dead could not.

    Dr. Marmalade Montague was also investigating the cause of Joe Biden’s sulphurous bowel movements alluded to into final (and end of life) reports written by some of the world’s late top secret agents in spy agencies.

    For that, Dr. Marmalade Montague was using the visions of Michelangelo the psychic lobster.

    Apparently back on January 28th 2021 (7 days after Biden was inaugurated having successfully stolen the 2020 U.S. Presidential election), senile old Joe had been invited to speak at a United Jewish Appeal dinner in New York City in March of that year.

    He was not to be the number one speaker however.

    He was to be the number two speaker (which was appropriate for Joe).

    The number one speaker was to be the well known Jewish Rastafarian and self described “independent pharmaceutical manufacturer” from Australia known by the popular moniker of Uncle Ernie (assuming of course that Uncle Ernie wouldn’t be in jail in Australia “drummed up on some nefarious charges brought against him by the government” as Uncle Ernie would put it).

    The fallen archangel Mephistopheles (who was one of Joe Biden’s 3 supernatural advisors along with Baal and Baphomet) had recommended to Joe that he send someone to try to find the remains of the Gadarene swine at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee and bring them to the U.S. for Joe Biden to eat the remains prior to giving his number two speech to the United Jewish Appeal dinner in New York City.

    The Gadarene swine of course had been possessed by the demons known as Legion and had been sent by Jesus Christ into the swine after Jesus had successfully exorcised a man known as the Gadarene demoniac.

    The swine then charged into the Sea of Galilee.

    Thus acting on orders from Joe Biden, the American Deep State set about to recover the remains of the Gadarene swine at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.

    Israeli Mossad agent Anna Chador to a Tel Aviv based scuba diver: “Would you be able to dive to the bottom of the Sea of Galilee and see if the remains of the Gadarene swine are still down there and if they are to bring them up to the surface?”.

    He: Yes.

    Unfortunately for Biden and Mephistopheles, those agencies associated with the American Deep State such as the CIA were having a top secret convention at Area 51 (remember this was the time of the plandemic and everything and everyone was supposed to be in lockdown) and the treats at this top secret convention were Australian Uncle Ernie’s independently made pharmaceuticals.

    Thus after the convention, the CIA were in no shape whatsoever to go looking for the remains of the Gadarene swine at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.

    However there were plenty of reports of sightings of UFOs and ETs at Area 51 after this convention.

    Thus the spaced-out CIA outsourced the mission to the Israeli Mossad.

    The task was assigned to one of Israel’s top female agents Anna Chador and after consulting with a Tel Aviv based scuba diver, a deep sea mission was undertaken and the Gadarene Swine were found perfectly preserved at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.

    The bodies were raised from the depths and then flown to Washington DC.

    Hell’s Kitchen chef Gordon Ramsay was brought in to cook the remains at the White House.

    He made pork chops out of them which he topped with his famous homemade Sriracha laced apple sauce.

    Joe Biden ate all of the Gadarene swine pork chops and apple sauce leaving the other guests at dinner hungry and awestruck at the senile old fool’s ravenous appetite.

    The Gadarene swine pork chops and apple sauce remained fully stuck in Joe Biden’s intestines and could never be removed (something the fallen Archangel Mephistopheles knew would happen).

    The direct result of the Gadarene swine pork chops and Sriracha laced homemade apple sauce being forever stuck in Biden’s intestines would be that he would always have sulphurous explosive bowel movements.

    It was fortunate that the New York Chapter of the United Jewish Appeal decided to have their dinner and speeches via Zoom due to the plandemic.

    The secret service agents guarding Biden on the night of his United Jewish Appeal Zoom dinner speech were not so lucky.

    In an effort to boost the profits of the pharmaceutical manufacturing investments of one Dr. Anthony Fauci, the cause of the secret service agents’ deaths was listed as Covid rather than sulphurous fumes.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Wednesday September 28th
    2022.

    Permalink 27 Comments

    Joe Biden Speaks In Philadelphia: “This Is My Struggle…”

    September 2, 2022 at 10:41 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

    Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was visiting the Killarney lakes to see his friend Dr. Donegal Dundee the famous leprechaun scientist.

    “So what are you up to these days, Don-Dun?” Yaldabaoth asked.

    “Well I’ve recently been hired by Vladimir Putin to work in collaboration with South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo to raise the mad monk Rasputin from the dead at his grave in Tsarskoye Selo,” Dr. Donegal Dundee explained while drinking a glass of fine Jameson Irish Whiskey, “Dr. Makabo is going to raise Rasputin from the dead. The only trouble is people that Dr. Makabo raise from the dead look like zombies. And Vladimir Putin can’t stand looking at zombies (he has an antipathy to “woke” U.S. Democratic Party voters). So Makabo is going to raise Rasputin from the dead and I’m going to use my unique blend of Guinness, Murphy’s and O’hara’s Irish Red specially crafted embalming fluid (the one most recommended at funeral parlours in Ireland which is why Irish crematoriums were condemned at last year’s Glasgow Climate Change Summit as a major cause of global warming and a dire threat to the planet although the earth mother goddess Gaia would probably die happy) to make Rasputin look human again when he comes back from the dead.”

    “You do know that Vladimir Putin is a Neo-Czarist and a Neo-Russian Imperialist who fancies himself a reincarnation of Czar Peter the Great?” Yaldabaoth raised an eyebow.

    “I do know that,” Dr. Donegal Dundee painted Yaldabaoth’s raised eyebrow green.

    . . .

    “That was quite the speech Joe Biden gave in Philadelphia last night,” Dr. Nachash Naga mentioned to another NASA official, “It was a good and fortunate thing that it turned out that one of his daughters lived in Philadelphia so it appears that the Artemis 1 moon rocket launch is a go tomorrow.”

    Dr. Nachash Naga’s secretary Deborah frowned as she listened to the conversation.

    What the Hell did Dr. Nachash Naga mean by that?

    . . .

    British MP Renfield R. Renfield was doing a Friday night podcast.

    He did the podcast wearing a t-shirt that said DEFUND THE FBI.

    “This is what Joe Biden looked like delivering his speech in Philadelphia last night when he said that Donald Trump and MAGA Republicans are a threat to democracy.” :

    Said Renfield, “Any photographic resemblance between Joe Biden’s arm gestures and facial expressions and the arm gestures and facial expressions of a certain late Fuhrer of 1930s and early 1940s Germany is no doubt purely coincidental.
    As is no doubt any resemblance used between the silhouette background colours used by both speakers at their selected rallies.”

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Friday September 2nd
    2022.

    Permalink 14 Comments

    Sophia Catches Her Son At Perverted Party In Kiev

    March 21, 2022 at 10:17 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

    Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic Goddess of Wisdom catches her son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun at a perverted party in Kiev rather than fighting in the Greek centaur Chiron’s army of leprechauns and gnomes

    Sophia had heard the rumours.

    Rather than fighting against invading Russian troops her son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was supposedly attending a coming out party of the LGBTQ2s+ community in the City of Kiev hosted by Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskiy in celebration of the New World Order that an airheaded Ukrainian woman MP Kira Rudyk said that Ukraine was fighting for.

    The demons Baal and Baphomet were present at the LGBTQ2s+ coming out party as freaks, fruits and nuts whose hair was all the colours of the rainbow (plus colours not in the rainbow) gave the appearance of a Liberace and Elton John directed version of the 1968 zombie film Night of The Living Dead.

    Ukrainan President Volodymyr Zelenskiy, who had just got into some trouble for releasing a fake news video of the Eiffel Tower in Paris France being attacked by Russian missiles, addressed the crowd, “I understand we’ve got some foreign guests who are here with us virtually on Zoom.”

    The crowd cheered.

    “How many women from America are here with us today?” Zelenskiy asked.

    2/3 of Joe Biden’s deputy cabinet appointees put up their hands as well as some muscle bound ogre who just won the first place gold medal in an NCAA Women’s Swimming Competition in the U.S.

    Yaldabaoth, who was busy drinking green beer while Zelenskiy grandstanded in black leather pants and spiked high heeled shoes as holographic images of George Soros, Bill Gates and Klaus Schwab applauded in the background, was immediately spotted by Sophia.

    “I thought you were supposed to be fighting invaders,” Sophia approached him.

    “Well…” Yaldabaoth was at a loss for words.

    Sophia took Yaldabaoth over her knee and spanked him.

    . . .

    Meanwhile diplomatic relations between the U.S. and Russia were on the verge of collapse after senile old fool Joe Biden called Russian President Vladimir Putin “a war criminal”.

    The ghostly voice of Mortimer Snerd (who was the secondary ventriloquist dummy- after Charlie McCarthy- of American ventriloquist Edgar Bergen) called Biden from Hell (where he was doing a stand-up comedy routine with Cerberus) and told him that it wasn’t smart to call the leader of a nuclear power “a war criminal”.

    Russia’s Foreign Ministry had summoned U.S. Ambassador to Moscow John Sullivan to give him a dressing down.

    Actor John Cleese (who played Basil Fawlty on the 1970s British sitcom Fawlty Towers) told a member of the British press, “I called Vladimir Putin a war criminal once but I think I got away with it…”

    . . .

    Meanwhile the demons Baal and Baphomet had left Kiev and had gone to French President Emmanuel Macron’s bedroom to enjoy some champagne cocktails with the Klaus Schwab approved former Global Youth leader.

    “We’re looking forward to this Friday,” the half-male, half-female half-human half-goat demon Baphomet told Macron.

    “What happens Friday?” Macron asked as he chased an elderly cougar around the bedroom.

    “Haven’t you heard?” Baal said as he sampled a Planned Parenthood appetizer from a Paris clinic, “That’s when the demon Pachamama worshipping AntiPope Francis supposedly consecrates Russia and Ukraine to the Immaculate Heart of Mary.”

    Baal and Baphomet both roared with laughter as Macron adjusted his toupee.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Monday March 21st
    2022.

    Permalink 2 Comments

    Merlin In Ukraine

    March 15, 2022 at 9:19 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

    The Celtic wizard Merlin appeared in Ukraine tonight along with a few animal acquaintances

    “Isn’t that Merlin the magician?” Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun asked his fighting companion Leonard Constantinople the fighting rabbit.

    Constantinople had been brought in to fight the 450 al-Qaeda fighters who had been allowed to cross Recep Tayyip Edrogan’s Turkey (at the request of the insane Biden Administration) to come to Ukraine to fight on behalf of Ukraine.

    And as further proof of the Biden Administration’s insanity, Biden was allowing Vladimir Putin’s Russia to act as chief negotiator in its proposed nuclear deal with Iran.

    The cherry on the cake as far as the Biden Administration’s insanity went was Biden’s Climate Change envoy John Kerry was now asking a private think tank to examine the question of how much, if any, effect a “limited” nuclear war with Russia would have on the environment and climate change.

    The world was about to end not with a bang but with a badly written screenplay.

    “It is,” Constantinople answered in regard to Yaldabaoth’s question.

    Yaldabaoth then received a text message that children in China who had received the Xi Jinping approved China made Covid “vaccine” (really a genetic serum) were now being diagnosed with leukemia.

    The Chinese Health Ministry in Beijing issued a statement that the fact Chinese children who received the “vaccine” were now being diagnosed with leukemia was just a huge coincidence and that to say otherwise would result in being sent to re-education camps “where you would be re-educated alongside Uighurs” and also “partake in making voluntary products for Wal-Mart”.

    In other news Andreas Schofbek the CEO of the large German health insurance company BKK/Pro-Vita was fired last month after he released data suggesting German health authorities are significantly underreporting German vaccine related injuries.

    The data was scrubbed from the Internet.

    The globalist Communists in charge of the Great Reset were letting nobody stand in their way.

    And that included Vladimir Putin the proposed new Czar of a revived 19th Century Imperial Russian Empire.

    “Who are those animals with Merlin?” Yaldabaoth asked.

    “Well the bear is possessed by Rasputin,” Constantinople answered, “the black wolf is possessed by the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick Barbarossa and the deer is Bambi.”

    “Bambi?’ Yaldabaoth was incredulous.

    “Yes, Bambi’s mother was shot by Vladimir Putin when he was out deer hunting,” Constantinople explained, “80 years ago, 32nd degree Freemason and practicing sorcerer Walt Disney was caught in a time warp brought about by a CERN Large Hadron Collidor experiment. He wound up in Russia last month where he saw Bambi’s mother shot by Vladimir Putin. He incorporated the scene in his film to serve as further western world anti-Putin propaganda when the time was right.”

    “Bambi’s mother was shot,” Yaldabaoth broke into tears when he recalled the scene.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written Tuesday March 15th
    2022.

    Permalink 3 Comments

    The Children of Hecate

    March 13, 2022 at 11:09 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

    Pan Goatee visits a local community college and its Hall of Fame

    World-famous genetically created satyr Pan Goatee was walking down the street when he saw a fat ugly blimp and her moronic low-IQ boyfriend rushing towards a bus stop even though there was no bus approaching.

    Goatee put his astral laser machete into auto boomerang mode and threw it at the uglo-moronic duo.

    The machete beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

    It then beheaded her moronic low-IQ boyfriend and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

    As Krampus arrived on the scene to pick up the remains and take them down to Tartarus, the machete then went to a nearby Chinese laundromat to get all the blood and guck washed off it before returning to Pan Goatee as a boomerang.

    The initial test for this boomerang astral laser machete was originally conducted by Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie at his Cumelita Show down in Sydney, Australia.

    That test was an initial disaster resulting in the beheadings and deaths of hundreds of Uncle Ernie’s paying customers who were sitting in the audience.

    The machete was wisely given to a German aeronautics firm who used their German aerodynamic skills to make the astral laser machete into the weapon that it is today.

    As opposed to whatever Uncle Ernie’s bumbling Australian “what the Hell is he doing skills?” would have turned it into.

    Later as Pan Goatee was enjoying a Big Mac and Diet Coke inside a McDonald’s, his enjoyment was interrupted by a thin ugly looking stoat and her two ugly looking offspring entering the restaurant section where he was sitting.

    Goatee beheaded the slim ugly looking stoat uglo and her two ugly looking offspring and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each while commenting, “To think all this pre-emptive strike action was brought about by the Austro-Hungarian Augustinian monk Gregor Johann Mendel and his ground breaking genetic research into garden peas.”

    “I wonder if Mendel’s peas left such a mess behind on the floor?” A customer commented as he watched all the blood and body parts gathering on the floor prior to Krampus’ arrival.

    “They would have if he was diabetic,” Jarod Jerome Le Gnome commented.

    Meanwhile in Victoria, British Columbia, B.C.’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant NDP Premier John Horgan was insulting the B.C. Freedom Truckers’ Convoy who were planning to descend on the provincial capital in protest against the socialist despot’s draconian vaccine mandates and lockdowns.

    Horgan was condescending towards his opponents like all pompous and arrogant champagne socialist despots are.

    “Goodness me, get a hobby,” Horgan’s gums flapped like the wind at the world’s biggest pork and beans barbeque and chili cook-off.

    Horgan had a B.C. Salmon and Wild Thistle Cream Pie thrown in his face by a Kootenay area sasquatch whose hobby was throwing B.C. Salmon and Wild Thistle Cream Pies into the faces of people who are total assholes.

    Meanwhile at the Vatican, Samhain Cardinal Salaman was wondering why Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Pope Francis wasn’t dead yet.

    He had watched Francis drink the entire cup of Tibetan Buddhist tea with the piece of wolfsbane and the jade key to Beijing’s forbidden city in it.

    He had also watched Francis eat the recipe for Uncle Ernie’s vegetarian based koala bear and kangaroo meat stew also without any noticeable side effects.

    “The man must have sold his soul to the devil to withstand such poisons,” Salaman deduced.

    Meanwhile Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was sitting reading a newspaper at the Yaroviv military training area in Ukraine which is about 12 miles from the Polish border and about 25 miles from the city of Lviv located in western Ukraine.

    Among the headlines Yaldabaoth read was “Barack Obama Says He Tested Positive For Covid-19”.

    Interesting, Yaldabaoth mused.

    This was followed by another headline that read, “Justin Trudeau Says He Tested Positive For Syphilis”.

    Very interesting, Yaldabaoth mused again.

    Suddenly the Yaroviv military base was struck by 30 missiles fired by Russian warplanes flying over the Black and Azov Seas.

    Yaldabaoth dropped a load- Joe Biden style- when the attack hit.

    “Thank God you shit green and not brown,” the ghost of W.C. Fields remarked as he was playing a game of golf in the area.

    The ghost of Orson Welles meanwhile sat in his arm chair in the living room of the Set Mansion in London.

    He read some recent history.

    “In early 2013 Jen Psaki, when she was spokesperson for the Hillary Clinton State Department, was asked about secret plans for a proposed coup d’etat against the then government of Ukraine.
    A year later the Obama Administration, with the support of George Soros’ financing, helped set up the new anti-Russia government of Ukraine.”

    “In 2015, it was revealed that George Soros had spent hundreds of millions of dollars in Ukraine and had planted special operatives throughout the country.
    This was not done to make Ukraine an independent and sovereign nation state (since Soros hates independent and sovereign nation states) but to make Ukraine an invioable part of the New World Order proposed by Klaus Schwab’s World Economic Forum.”

    “Then in 2017, Neo-Con Senators Lindsey Graham and John McCain travelled to Ukraine and promised top military leaders that “the U.S. would give them everything they need to go to war against Vladimir Putin.”

    Welles’ ghost organized the scene in his mind.

    3 witches (children of Hecate) on a Scottish heath are transported to Ukraine.

    Jen Psaki along with Lindsey Graham and John McCain in drag are the 3 witches.

    “When shall we three meet again?
    In thunder, lightning or in rain?”.

    “When the hurly-burly’s done,
    when the battle’s lost and won.”

    “That will be ere the set of sun.”

    “Where the place?”.

    “Upon the heath.”

    “There to meet with MacPutin.”

    While Welles’ ghost meditated upon and directed the scene in his mind,
    British MP Renfield R. Renfield entered the room and announced, “Did you know that Renfield was from his mother’s womb untimely ripped?”.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written Sunday March 13th
    2022.

    Permalink 6 Comments

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