Communist Rag Atlantic Monthly, Pope Francis, Yaldabaoth and Sophia

October 22, 2020 at 10:46 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The innkeeper of Sleepy Hollow’s Rip Van Winkle Inn (who happened to be the former proprietor of the mysterious Hotel California made famous in an Eagles song) was listening to the local Sleepy Hollow radio station on the radio.

The station was playing a quote from the United Kingdom’s most controversial Member of Parliament Renfield R. Renfield.

Said Renfield, “It should come as no surprise that America’s most pretentiously snobbish Communist rag The Atlantic Monthly magazine is doing a hatchet job on those Catholics who think that Joe Biden is a phony Catholic and that Pope Francis is a heretic. The best that the Atlantic Monthly can be used for is as a substitute for toilet paper when you run out.”

The innkeeper who realized that he had indeed run out of toilet paper grabbed the latest issue of The Atlantic Monthly and proceeded to his own private washroom.

When he returned, he said to himself, “I hope I won’t have to call the plumber to unplug that toilet. That Atlantic Monthly really seemed to be full of it.”

He noticed his guest Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun had left his smart phone on top of the inn’s front desk.

There was a photo on it:

“Wow, is she ever hot,” the Innkeeper looked at the pic.

Yaldabaoth came running down the stairs in search of his smart phone.

“Is that a picture of your girlfriend?” The innkeeper asked.

“No, my mother,” Yaldabaoth answered.

“But she doesn’t look a day over 30,” the innkeeper protested.

“Because she’s a goddess,” Yaldabaoth explained, “She’s Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom.”

“Wow, now I know why your name Yaldabaoth sounds so familiar,” a lightbulb went on over the Innkeeper’s head which was a sure indication that the village electrician had restored the Inn’s electricity, “It’s mentioned in some ancient Gnostic texts that Sophia gave birth to Yaldabaoth. But I thought you were supposed to be the Demi-Urge who created the material physical universe.”

“Well, like most mothers, my mother has a tendency to exaggerate about her children,” Yaldabaoth explained, “It was far more impressive sounding to tell people that she had a son who was the Demi-Urge that created the material physical universe than to tell people that she had a son who was a drunken alcoholic leprecaun. People might have been impressed by the leprechaun part but definitely not the drunken alcoholic part.”

“You have a point there,” the Innkeeper admitted.

Indeed Yaldabaoth who had taken off his wee leprechaun hat was sporting a very large bump on his head.

It was caused by the boys of the village of Sleepy Hollow who were using the Headless Horseman’s pumpkin head as a substitute ball in a rather nasty game of Dodgeball.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 22nd
2020.

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Dinner At Tiffany’s: Leprechaun of The Dance

October 16, 2020 at 10:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Tiffany Twisted: Formerly the sensuous witch of the Hotel California
and now the sensuous witch of Sleepy Hollow

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun had been invited to dinner in the Inn room across the hall from his own.

The room that had been rented to one Tiffany Twisted.

Yaldabaoth bathed, showered and shaved.

Then he put on his Irish Spring Mist of The River Shannon aftershave cologne followed by his best green tuxedo and little green bow tie.

Then he walked out the door.

Bucephalus Reborn the walking, talking and dancing zombie black horse thought to himself, “I wonder if I should have told him he forgot to put his trousers on.”

A thought with which Joe Biden campaign staffers were quite familiar with when it came to their own candidate.

Yaldabaoth knocked on the door.

“Come in, Yaldabaoth,” the sensuous voice of Tiffany Twisted beckoned.

Yaldabaoth opened the door and saw this vision:

“Wow, do you ever look hot,” Yaldabaoth felt like President Teddy Roosevelt at this very moment.

“I see you came prepared,” Tiffany smiled like the siren laced rocks of the eastern Mediterranean.

Yaldabaoth looked down and his face turned red, “Faith and begorrah, I seem to have forgotten my trousers.”

He grabbed a copy of James Joyce’s Ulysses off the room’s bookshelf and held it in front of his shamrock deco decorated underwear.

“It’s all right, Yaldabaoth,” she smiled like dawn rising over the hill of Tara, “I like a leprechaun who knows what he wants.”

Tiffany dimmed the lights and started lighting candles.

In the background could be heard Cher’s voice singing on an old 45,

Dark lady laughed and danced and lit the candles one by one
Danced to her gypsy music till her brew was done
Dark lady played back magic till the clock struck on the twelve
She told me more about me than I knew myself.

When the candles were lit, Tiffany and Yaldabaoth drank red wine and ate a Guinness laced Irish potato casserole.

For dessert, they had pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top.

“I hope this pie wasn’t made with my friend Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden’s head,” Yaldabaoth commented as he licked the whipped cream off Tiffany’s toes.

His newly formed acquaintance Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden was the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow and had a pumpkin jack o’ lantern for a head.

“It wasn’t,” Tiffany assurred him with tender kisses.

The clock was approaching 12.

“Let’s dance,” Tiffany put on her record player again.

Tiffany reached for Yaldabaoth’s lucky shamrock.

The voice on the record sang,

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

He did the mash, he did the monster mash
The monster mash, it was a graveyard smash
He did the mash, it caught on in a flash
He did the mash, he did the monster mash

At that moment the Headless Horseman walked in unaware that he was entering the wrong room.

When he saw what the leprechaun and the sensuous witch were doing, he screamed, “I’m blind. I’m blind.”

He turned out into the hall, ran down the stairs, tripped over his feet, landed on the floor and his pumpkin head came off and rolled towards the grandfather clock that was just starting to strike 12.

“Mercy,” the innkeeper muttered at the front desk, “This never happened at the Hotel California.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 16th
2020.

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Yaldabaoth Meets Tiffany Twisted

October 15, 2020 at 10:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was having breakfast along with his pet pterodactyl Hovering Voyeurius Over Raquelis Welchius, Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow and his singing, talking and dancing zombie black horse Bucephalus Reborn in the small dining room of The Rip Van Winkle Inn.

Sitting across from them was a brain dead zombie “woke” and “culture cancelling” white liberal “yute” (which is the lawyer Cousin Vinnyish dialect pronounciation of the word “youth”).

The “woke” brain dead zombie “yute” was on holidays.

He had spent most of the summer rioting, looting, burning and vandalizing in the city of Portland Oregon in what Michelle Obama and the mainstream Marxist media call “peaceful protests”.

Now he decided to come to Sleepy Hollow in New York because he had always wanted to spend Halloween in Sleepy Hollow.

He wore a BLACK LIVES MATTER t-shirt.

Although that message obviously didn’t apply to cats since he had run over a black cat on the highway to get here.

The “woke” brain dead zombie “yute” was busy yacking away to his airheaded girlfriend (who had picked him up from the court house in Portland after the elected liberal Democrat Marxist inclined county prosecuter had dropped criminal charges against him for the umpteenth time these past few months).

“What books do you like to read?” He asked her.

“Well, I’m trying to start reading Harry Potter,” The airhead replied.

“Harry Potter?” The brain-dead zombie “woke” “yute” dropped his fork, “Don’t you know that J.K. Rowling is a bigot and a promoter of hatred for saying that a transgendered man shouldn’t be treated the same as a biologically born female?”.

“Excuse me, young fellow,” Yaldabaoth doffed his little green leprechaun hat to the “woke” “yute” and spoke politely in a soft Irish lilt, “But I happen to think you’re a stupid brainless asshole.”

“What?” The “woke” “yute” blinked, “You just called me a stupid brainless asshole.”

“That’s right,” Yaldabaoth grinned and nodded and then turned serious, “In my own home country of Ireland, there’s a case going on at the moment involving a trans who calls himself/herself/itself Barbie Kardashian. He was born Alejandro Gabriel Gentile but decided some years back that he was actually a woman in a man’s body. He’s currently 18 years old but already has a long history of violent and sexual assaults against women. Specifically against his female care home and social workers including a brutal 2018 attack on a woman whose eyes he tried to gouge out. Now he’s once again in jail on sexual assault charges. But the Limerick District Court operating under the European Union’s politically correct Human Rights Code is ordering him held at the Limerick County Women’s Prison since he self identifies as a woman. So you’ve now got a man with a long history of violence and sexual assault against women being locked up in a female only space. And all because the courts are following the suffocating totalitarian atmosophere of political correctness advocated by brain dead zombie “woke” “yute” SJWs (social justice warriors) assholes such as yourself instead of the common sense and logic advocated by great thinkers and great writers such as J.K. Rowling.”

Having been called a brain dead zombie “woke” “yute” asshole, the “woke” “yute”” asshole then crawled on to the floor into the fetal position which is exactly what an Antifa/BLM white liberal “yute” leader did when he found himself being arrested for the first time in Kenosha Wisconsin for “peacefuly rioting” as he had never been arrested in other American cities before for “peaceful rioting”.

The innkeeper whispered to Yaldabaoth, “Tiffany Twisted the woman who’s renting the room across from you would like to meet you.”

Yaldabaoth went upstairs and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Tiffany said in a soft sensual voice.

Yaldabaoth opened the door and came face to face with Tiffany Twisted.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 15th
2020.

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San Diego Bishop Has Demons and Communist Ghosts On His Front Lawn

October 14, 2020 at 10:45 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Robert McElroy the brainless Catholic bishop of San Diego California was standing on his front lawn and shooting the breeze with the demons Baal and Baphomet as well as the ghosts of Lenin, Stalin and Mao Tse-tung.

Which was probably a dangerous thing to be doing.

Recently Mark J. Seitz the brainless Catholic bishop of El Paso Texas had likewise been standing on his front lawn and shooting the breeze with the demons Baal and Baphomet as well as the ghosts of Lenin, Stalin and Mao Tse-tung.

Days later he came down with the Covid-19 virus.

Comparing recipes for a 1000-year-old laid egg (also known as the U.S. Democratic Party Platform) with the late Chairman Mao was no guarantee this would make one immune to the CCP Wuhan virus.

Already Bishop McElroy could be seen coughing and sputtering and standing behind him was Thanatos Thanatotheristes Reaper of Death who was the patron demon of Covid-19.

Thanatos Thanatotheristes had the body of a giant mammalian bat but the head of a Thanatotheristes (which was a type of T-Rex).

Later the demon Baphomet had an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper (an interview that CNN producers decided not to show on television).

Cooper informed Baphomet, “I understand your half-brother is currently visiting America.”

“What?” Baphomet spit out his vegan soup, “What’s he doing here?”.

Meanwhile in the town of Sleepy Hollow New York, Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was taking a walk with the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow to look at the autumn colours.

“I think I’d like to stay in Sleepy Hollow until Halloween,” Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman remarked through his Great Pumpkin jack o’ lantern head, “Things can get pretty exciting in Sleepy Hollow on Halloween.”

“Well seeing as how you and I and your horse Bucephalus Reborn and my pterodactyl Hovering Voyeurius Over Raquelis Welchius are the only guests who seem to be staying in Sleepy Hollow’s Rip Van Winkle Inn at the moment, I’m sure we can keep our rooms over until Halloween.”

“You’re right,” the Headless Horseman grinned 🎃, “Let’s go tell the innkeeper.”

Back at the inn, the innkeeper (who at one time in his life had been the proprieter of the Hotel California) was examining the Mercedes Benz car that had just pulled up driven by a lovely and beautiful witch.

“What did you say your name was again?” The innkeeper inquired.

“Tiffany Twisted,” the drop dead gorgeous witch smiled.

“Haven’t we met before?” The innkeeper blinked.

She smiled her white ivories at him, “Some dance to remember. Some dance to forget.”

She took the keys to her room which would be across from Yaldabaoth’s.

She walked up the inn stairs in her short black skirt and sexy black silk nylons.

Then she turned around and smiled at the innkeeper, “You obviously danced to forget.”

She continued up the stairs while the innkeeper scratched his head and continued to wonder where he had seen her before.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 14th
2020.

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It’s The Great Pumpkin, Headless Horseman!

October 11, 2020 at 10:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The talking and singing black zombie horse Bucephalus Reborn, Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun and his pet pterodactyl Hovering Voyeurius Over Raquelis Welchius were in Sleepy Hollow having hoped to meet the Great Pumpkin this past Friday night.

Sadly the Great Pumpkin was held up at the U.S. border by ICE officials.

He was put into a cage and had to undergo a test for Covid-19.

Dr. Anthony Fauci was brought in to conduct the test himself.

Dr. Fauci determined that the Great Pumpkin was indeed positive for Covid-19.

However due to the large amount of crying and wailing children outside the ICE compound on the Ontario-New York Canada-U.S.border, 100 doctors from the Center For Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia were brought in to test the Great Pumpkin.

All 100 doctors determined that the Great Pumpkin was negative for Covid-19.

ICE decided to release the Great Pumpkin on this night October 11th.

The Great Pumpkin then headed south to the village of Sleepy Hollow.

Last evening October 10th as they were in their room in the Rip Van Winkle Inn, the 4 visitors to Sleepy Hollow mentioned in the first paragraph watched on their room’s TV set an interview between the ghost of TV talk show host Merv Griffin and the ghost of noted writer, director and actor Orson Welles which was being shown on the Paranormal Channel.

Yesterday October 10th 2020 was the 35th anniversary of the death of Orson Welles (Welles having died on October 10th 1985).

Welles’ ghost was currently serving as an advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the ghost of Winston Churchill.

When the interview was over, Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun turned the TV off and phoned downstairs to the front desk asking for a specific brand of rum.

The innkeeper replied, “We haven’t had that spirit here since 1999.”

An artist called Prince who was formerly the artist formerly known as Prince had apparently drank the last bottle at 10 minutes to midnight on the New Year’s Eve just before the advent of the year 2000.

Meanwhile on the radio a well-known female porn star was singing that old Bryan Adams hit Summer of ’69.

Buchephalus Reborn had grabbed an old geographical atlas off the room’s bookshelf and lay on the floor trying to locate the Hotel California on a map.

Outside the window could be seen a horde of eagles circling the inn.

Such was last night the evening of October 10th 2020.

Tonight October 11th 2020 the four were walking towards the Sleepy Hollow pumpkin patch where the Great Pumpkin was putting in an appearance (hopefully).

They walked past the cemetery where schoolteacher Ichabod Crane was buried.

As they walked past the cemetery, the horse Bucephalus Reborn started whistling the tune to an old Irish folk song Whistling Gypsy.

Yaldabaoth began to sing,

The whistling gypsy came over the hill
Down to the valley so shady;
He whistled and he sang
Till the green woods rang
And he won the heart of a lady.


The woman whose heart Yaldabaoth won and would be waiting for him on his bed in the room when they got back to the inn.

They soon arrived at the pumpkin patch.

As spooky music played on an abandoned church organ not far from the pumpkin patch, the Great Pumpkin rose above all the other pumpkins and said,

I am the Great Pumpkin
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
and for the day confined to fast in fires
Till all the weight gained by eating me
Is burnt and purged away.

With that Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow grabbed the Great Pumpkin.

And Buchephalus Reborn grabbed a tube of Crazy Glue.

When his hooves removed the top off the tube of Crazy Glue, the horse asked, “Why do I feel the spirits of my relatives around me?”.

The horse then glued the Great Pumpkin to the top of the Headless Horseman’s body between his shoulders.

“Woe is me!” Were the Great Pumpkin’s last words before succumbing to the consciousness of Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow.

U.S. Postal Service employee Norman Newman who had been wandering around Sleepy Hollow hopelessly lost the past couple of days came over when he heard the cry “Woe is me!”.

He handed the Headless Horseman a lettered envelope addressed to JOHNNY WO, SLEEPY HOLLOW.

The letter was postmarked UNCLE ERNIE’S PLACE, SOMEWHERE DOWN UNDER, AUSTRALIA.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 11th
2020.

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The Headless Horseman In Pumpkin Country

October 9, 2020 at 10:39 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Friedrich Wotan Wiesbaden the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow had been without a head ever since his pumpkin head had been ripped off during the course of a discount sale on pumpkin spice lattes in Ravenna a few weeks ago.

He sat in a cafe in Rome, Italy alongside his black zombie horse Bucephalus Reborn.

Bucephalus was entertaining the customers by singing a song from an old 1950s television show,

“Mr. Ed the talking horse
of course, of course, of course…”

Bucephalus then stopped to add bushels of sugar to his giant cup of tea.

On the radio, a news story was unfolding:

Joseph Cardinal Zen of Hong Kong has called Vatican Secretary of State Pietro Parolin a liar over the Vatican-China Agreement that the Vatican hopes to renew with Communist China by next month.
Said Cardinal Zen, “Parolin knows that he is lying. He knows that I know he is a liar, he knows that I will tell everyone he is a liar…”

The newscaster then said, “We tried to find a politician anywhere in the world who would back up Cardinal Zen’s claim that Cardinal Parolin is a liar.
The only one we could find is British MP Renfield R. Renfield.”

Voice of Renfield: Cardinal Zen is absolutely right. Cardinal Parolin is a liar.

The Headless Horseman then remarked to Bucephalus Reborn, “Pope Francis is not very happy with that Englishman Renfield.”

The horse responded while sipping his tea, “Of course, of course, of course.”

Sophia the Greco-Egyptian goddess of wisdom then entered the cafe and noticed the Headless Horseman was looking very forlorn without his head attached to his shoulders.

She asked him what was up.

The Headless Horseman then explained the situation.

“Too bad your pumpkin head was ripped off,” Sophia stated sympathetically as she ordered a slice of pumpkin pie from the waiter, “I suppose you’re looking for a new pumpkin to replace it.”

“I am,” the Headless Horseman nodded without a head which was quite an accomplishment in itself.

“I hear the Great Pumpkin of Charlie Brown Peanuts fame is visiting your hometown of Sleepy Hollow tonight,” Sophia licked the whipped cream off her slice of pumpkin pie.

“Too bad I’m thousands of miles from Sleepy Hollow,” the Headless Horseman sighed.

“Of course, of course, of course,” Buchephalus nodded.

Sophia then phoned her son Yaldabaoth the Irish Leprechaun.

Yaldabaoth had recently become united with his pet pterodactyl who had been lost since 1940 when the latter had heard that Benito Mussolini was looking for him.

She asked Yaldabaoth to fly the pterodactyl from Ireland to Rome so that the Headless Horseman could borrow it to fly to Sleepy Hollow.

Yaldabaoth and his pterodactyl managed to land in Rome in a manner of minutes.

The pterodactyl having been spurred on by an ingestion of Uncle Ernie’s Chemical of the Day mailed to him from Australia.

The Headless Horseman and Bucephalus Reborn then boarded the pterodactyl and headed off to Sleepy Hollow in upstate New York.

They were soon in sight of Pumpkin Country around Sleepy Hollow.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 9th
2020.

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Sophia Watches Yaldabaoth’s Attempted Coup Against Mussolini

September 20, 2020 at 10:51 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )


Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom heading towards Il Duce’s residence in Rome where her son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was trying to stage a coup d’etat against Mussolini

The year was 1940.

The month was September.

And Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was in Winston Churchill’s underground bunker in London.

Churchill tried to be an amiable host but he was becoming quite alarmed at the amount of his good brandy that the Irish leprechaun was drinking.

“So Michael Collins told you to look me up whenver you were in London?” Churchill offered Yaldabaoth a cigar in hopes that would momentarily stop his fast moving consumption of brandy for a while as the wee leprechaun smoked it.

Michael Collins had been the first Prime Minister of the Irish Free State and he had been assassinated by anti Anglo-Irish Treaty forces on August 22nd 1922.

During the summer of 1921, Michael Collins had gone to London to negotiate a peace treaty ending the Anglo-Irish War.

His British counterpart in the negotiations had been Winston Churchill.

Collins said to Churchill, “I’ve got a complaint. Your British Army once put a price on my head. £1000 for my capture- dead or alive.”

Churchill feigned mock outrage, “You’ve got a complaint? You’ve got a complaint? Let me show you something to complain about.”

Churchill went and got the old Boer War Wanted poster offering anyone £25 for the capture of Winston Churchill Dead Or Alive.

He showed it to Collins.

Said Churchill, “Now there’s something to complain about. I was only worth £25 while you were worth a 1000.”

Collins had to laugh.

After that exchange, the two men became close friends and negotiated a peace treaty.

The treaty was signed on December 6th 1921.

When Yaldabaoth had finished his cigar after Churchill had recounted his meeting with Michael Collins, the leprechaun reached to pour himself another glass of brandy.

Churchill looked glum and said, “I’m ticked.”

Yaldbaoth quickly withdrew his hand from the bottle.

“Why is that?” The leprechaun asked.

“British Intelligence informs me that Mussolini intends to invade Greece in the very near future,” Churchill poured himself another brandy, “There seems to be no end to that bloodthirsty guttersnipe Hitler and his Italian jackal Mussolini spreading their filth all over the soil of Europe.”

Yaldabaoth apologized for his leprechaunish intrusion and left.

He summoned his pet pterodactyl (the leprechaun had no idea where this pterodactyl came from and didn’t bother to ask) and flew to Rome.

He would overthrow Mussolini in a coup d’etat thnking that this would make Churchill happy.

Yaldabaoth retreated to an Italian taverna where he ordered and drank 999 bottles of Italian red wine.

Feeling sufficiently buoyant as a result of all that wine imbibing, Yaldabaoth then went to Il Duce’s palatial residence, crawled up to the top balcony and then gave a speech in which he asked the populace of Italy to rise up and overthrow Mussolini.

Needless to say, the little leprechaun’s speech created a lot of commotion in the Italian capital.

Word of the booze happy little leprechaun’s coup attempt reached the ears of his mother Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom who was currently living in Rome.


Sophia marched herself down to Il Duce’s residence while being followed by a crowd of happy onlookers.

Sophia wanted to get up to the upper balcony of Il Duce’s residence.

A huge group of male volunteers grabbed a ladder and held it as she crawled up to the upper balcony.

The male ladder holders gazed up totally spellbound as Sophia went up the ladder.

Papal excommunications for publicly masturbating on the spot were widespread that day.

Sophia wagged her finger admonishingly at Yaldabaoth, “Yaldabaoth, put an end to this nonsense. You just don’t have the resources to overthrow Il Duce Benito Mussolini.”

“But,” Yaldabaoth protested, “I drank 999 bottles of red wine in the Contento Bacchus Taverna to say nothing of the multitudinous glasses of brandy I had at Churchill’s London bunker which caused the British Prime Minister to declare another wartime emergency upon my leaving. That should be more than enough resources to topple Mussolini.”

“Yaldabaoth,” Sophia warned, “I know you’re almost 2000 years old but that doesn’t mean you’re still too old to spank.”

Yaldaboth continued with his speech.

Whereupon Sophia took Yaldabaoth over her knee and spanked him.

As Sophia went down the ladder carrying the errant leprechaun and his glowing rosy red bottom, a group of male ladder holders at the bottom of the ladder started shouting, “Now spank me”, “Me too” and “Me as well, please”.

At the Potsdam Conference in 1945, a constipated and dour looking Soviet dictator Josef Stalin demanded that the wee Irish leprechaun’s coup attempt against Mussolini be erased from the history books.

And so it was.

Until 80 years to the day later, it is now being told for the first time.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 20th
2020.

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Countess Draculina Beats Up Alexander Lukashenko

August 16, 2020 at 10:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Belarussian President Alexander Lukashenko sat at his desk completely baffled.

People were actually protesting against his benevolent and beneficent rule with which he had been governing the country for the past 26 years.

Since 1994 he had been Belarus’ “Great and Beloved Leader” (his own humble description of himself).

Last Sunday he had been re-elected in a “landslide victory”.

His own handpicked Central Election Commission said he had won with 80.1% of the vote while his closest opponent Svetlana Tikhanovskaya had won a mere 10.12% of the vote.

Yet his opponent Miss Tikhanovskaya had the nerve to accuse him of cheating and rigging the results.

How dare she?

Why the ghost of the late Chicago Democratic Party Mayor Richard J. Daley had been released from Tartarus in the realm of Hades at Lukashenko’s request to oversee the distribution and counting of ballots.

Were they going to accuse a leading U.S. Democratic Party politician like Mayor Daley of vote fraud and rigging elections?

His opponent Svetlana Tikhanovskaya had fled to Lithuania this past Monday after having been detained for several hours for daring to dispute the election results.

Why to top it all off, he President Lukashenko had to pay his riot police overtime for tear gassing and cracking the heads of protestors for protesting and disputing the election results.

He had also had to pay his security forces overtime for arresting, detaining and torturing protestors (and other people who just happened to be on the street at that time).

This had been a bad week for him, Lukashenko thought as he emptied a bottle of vodka all by himself, in what should have been an otherwise celebratory occasion.

The Belarussian President turned on the television.

His satellite television dish picked up RTE which was Ireland’s national public television and radio broadcaster.

“Yesterday a cow was seen emerging from the sea at County Donegal’s Bunbeg Beach,” the RTE announcer noted as video of the incident was played in the background, “We sent our reporter Guinness O’ Murphy to investigate”.

Guinness O’ Murphy appeared with a glass of Guinness hanging from one ear and a glass of Murphy’s hanging from the other.

Said Guinness O’ Murphy, “I talked to Yaldabaoth the famous Irish leprechaun who explained the mystery of why the cow emerged from the sea.”

“Daisy was stoned out of her mind, she was,” Yaldabaoth noted as he calmly smoked his wee pipe, “She had stolen a marijuana smoking cactus plant from the estate of the U-2 singer Bono yesterday and spent three hours inhaling the smoke that the wee cactus exhaled. When she finished, she jumped into the sea. I followed her but ever since I froze my arse off swimming across the Bering Strait from Siberia to Alaska, my swimming skills are not what they used to be. She emerged from the sea startling a whole bunch of bystanders and onlookers here on Donegal’s Bunbeg Beach. So Donegal has now gone from the Fighting Prince of Donegal to the Swimming Cow of Donegal. Disney should really make a movie about this.”

“How weird can you get,” Lukashenko thought to himself as he turned off the TV and turned on his smart phone GPS app so he could find his way back to his bedroom.

Lukashenko’s GPS app led him to the Presidential Palace’s crypt instead of his bedroom and standing outside the crypt was the vampiress Countess Draculina who was the daughter of Count Dracula:

“Who are you and what are you doing?” Lukashenko demanded to know.

“I’m Countess Draculina and I’m here to beat you up,” Draculina answered.

She then beat the living daylights out of Lukashenko.

And as night fell over Lukashenko, she flew out into the night.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 16th
2020.

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Miracle On The Vistula

August 15, 2020 at 10:53 pm (Education, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Battle of Warsaw (1920) was fought from August 12th 1920 to August 25th 1920 between the Polish National Army and Leon Trotsky’s Soviet Red Army.

Poland was on the verge of defeat in the Polish-Soviet War at the start of the battle.

But somehow the Polish Army under the command of Marshal Josef Pilsudski managed to regroup, repulse and defeat the Red Army in what Russian Bolshevik leader Vladimir Lenin called “an enormous defeat” for his forces.

The politician and diplomat Edgar Vincent regards the 1920 Battle of Warsaw as one of the most important battles in world history on his expanded list of history’s most decisive battles since the Polish victory over the Soviets halted the spread of Communism further westwards into Europe.

Had the Soviets taken Poland, nothing would have stopped their march into Germany (which had a shattered economy and a thorougly routed and demoralized army) and then France (whose army was wartorn and weary from 4 gruelling and bloody years of trench warfare in the First World War).

All of Western Europe would have probably fallen to Communism and then Lenin and Trotsky would have set their eyes across the English Channel towards Britain.

And the only one on the British isles who would have sounded the alarm about imminent danger would have been Winston Churchill while most of Britain’s stodgy old politicians doted along and would have proposed a Royal Commission task force to study the subject.

At the start of the Soviet-Polish War, the Bolshevik Lenin’s speeches asserted that the Bolshevik Revolution would be carried to Western Europe on the bayonets of Russian soldiers and that the shortest route to Berlin and Paris lay through Warsaw.

The battle turned for the Poles when Marshal Pilsudski launched a counteroffensive on Soviet forces from the south of Warsaw moving north and then trapping the Soviet forces in an encirclement.

However some have cited supernatural intervention as the reason for the victory.

Diaries from many present at the battle reported that the Virgin Mary appeared to Polish troops on the banks of the Vistula River on August 15th which is the Feast of the Assumption Into Heaven of the Blessed Virgin Mary and spoke words of encouragement.

August 15th 1920.

100 years ago today.

. . .

Pope Francis was in a video conference call with George Soros, Bill Gates, U-2 singer Bono (who sat at his desk immensely pleased with the very unusual cactus plant he had just received in the mail from Australia) and American economist Jeffrey Sachs to discuss their continuing plans for a Marxist One World Government.

Pope Francis noted, “One hundred years ago today the cause of global Marxism suffered a serious setback. And many other setbacks as well over the years. Today, we’ll finally push the cause of global Marxism forward with the Holy, Blessed and Eternal Virus helping us.”

“Jesus Christ!” Bono shouted.

“This is a private meeting not a public audience,” Pope Francis admonished as he wagged his finger at the Irish singer via video, “There’s no need to mention that name here.”

“No, a cow just jumped in through my study window and ran off with my cactus plant between her teeth!” Bono exclaimed in a great state of agitation.

“Daisy! Daisy!” Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun briefly appeared on video and ran after the cow as she headed down the road off the Bono estate.

. . .

“Lexington,” Donald Trump was speaking to his British butler and valet, “I was just reading in the Monthly Moon which is the monthly newspaper in the small town of Smallville, Kansas… speaking of which I wonder why Clark Kent who lives in Kansas City, Kansas (shouldn’t that be called Metropolis?) hasn’t answered any of the thousands of emails I’ve sent him hour by hour inviting him to have dinner with me?.”

“I have no idea, sir,” Lexington answered.

“The NSA tells me he’s forwarded a few of them to the Irish-Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg for some reason,” Trump scratched his head and yellow artificial dandruff fell out, “Anyways getting back to the Monthly Moon article, they were quoting British MP Renfield R. Renfield… I wonder why the Monthly Moon and other smaller independent news outlets are the only ones to quote Renfield. None of the big mainstream news media does. Not even Fox News. And Fox News is ostensibly supposed to be anti-Communist unlike the other big news outlets.”

“I have no idea again, sir,” Lexington sighed.

“Anyways, Renfield said in the article, “It’s rather frightening to think that the only person standing in the way of a Communist Neo-Bolshevik takeover of America is a non-altruistic non-empathetic narcissist who fancies himself a 21st Century Caesar and a Neo-Roman Emperor.” Now Lexington,” Trump scratched his head again leading to further golden artificial dandruff falling on the Rubicon Rubik’s Cube on Trump’s desk, “who is he talking about? Do you know any individual who fits that description?”.

“Of course not, sir,” Lexington replied as he helped Trump on with his toga and his laurel leaf crown.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 15th
2020.

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Yaldabaoth Meets A Bake-Danuki Tanuki

June 14, 2020 at 10:33 pm (Folklore, magic, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was in Geneva Switzerland visiting a friend of his Mittendorf Lesterius who was one of the garden gnomes of Zurich.

“What’s that a statue of?” Yaldabaoth pointed towards a statue.

“That’s a bake-danuki tanuki,” the garden gnome answered as he pulled millions of Swiss francs out of his trousers and started counting it.

“A what?” Yaldabaoth asked.

“Well, a tanuki refers to a Japanese raccoon dog,” Mittendorf Lesterius explained, “The bake-danuki is a type of tanuki yokai (yokai is Japanese for supernatural beings) found in the classics and folklore and legends of Japan. Although the tanuki itself is a real existing animal, the bake-danuki of Japanese literature is a strange supernatural animal. They are able to shapeshift into other things or even people and can possess human beings. Most of the time though, this legendary tanuki the bake-danuki is reputed to be mischievous and jolly, a master of disguise and a shapeshifter, but somewhat gullible and absentminded.”

“So this statue then,” Yaldabaoth ate a bowl of Irish potatoes, “Is it a real statue or a bake-danuki tanuki in disguise?”.

“There’s one way to find out,” the garden gnome of Zurich smiled, “Pour some real Japanese sake over it.”

Mittendorf Lesterius poured sake over the statue and the statue came to life as a real bake-danuki tanuki.

The bake-danuki tanuki introduced himself as one Shogun Sake Kanasatake by name, grabbed a full bottle of sake and broke out into song,

Old comrades marching through the land
Forming steadfast and loyal friendships
Whether in need or in danger
They always hold together anew
During the attack, we will give them blow for blow
Honour and glory shall victory bring us
Let’s go, comrades, freshly reloaded (he helps himself to a 2nd bottle of sake)
This is our marching music (plays the accordion with his feet)
During the maneuver, the whole regiment accomodated
Itself in the headquarters of the nearest village house
And at the inn, there was flirting
With all the girls and especially the innkeeper’s daughter…

At that moment, a very Swiss looking gentleman wearing shorts and lederhosen approaches and shoots the bake-danuki tanuki in the buttocks.

The bake-danuki tanuki flees.

“I take it that was probably the innkeeper,” Yaldabaoth helped himself to a bottle of sake.

“You’re probably right,” the garden gnome of Zurich likewise helped himself to a bottle of sake.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 14th
2020.

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