Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future
Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was asleep 💤 in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratories when suddenly his lobster antennae picked up a vision of Moscow and Vladimir Putin from the near future.
The re-elected Russian 🇷🇺 President had been given an invitation to an opening of a new exclusive men’s hairstyling salon 💇♂️ in Moscow where the hairstylists were all breathtakingly beautiful and young topless and short skirted Russian women.
Although the Russian President was quite bald and chose not to wear an orangish coloured red spider monkey fur toupee (unlike some world leaders), he decided to take advantage of the free haircut and shave.
He could always use a scalp massage and a shave.
Putin was given a thoroughly pleasing scalp massage by the young attractive female hairstylist who did a lot of bending over as she went to get more water from the sink and more hair massage cream from the lower drawers.
“Moscow always has such lovely views this time of year,” Putin remarked to the young blonde hairstylist.
“Indeed it does,” she smiled and winked at him, “Are you ready for your hot towel shave?”.
“Yes,” Putin smiled.
She then put the steaming hot towel on his face.
“Oh God, it burns, it burns!” Putin screamed.
Putin scrambled off the chair and on to the floor still screaming, “It burns. It burns.”
“I imagine it does,” a grinning Renfield R. Renfield MP from Britain’s Westminster Parliament stood in front of him.
Renfield was dressed in a James Bond style white tuxedo suit and sipping a martini 🍸- shaken not stirred.
“All these hairstylists are paid operatives for MI-6,” Renfield lit a cigarette with a gold cigarette lighter.
Amadeus came into the salon carrying a toy piano 🎹 and sat down at the piano and played the song As Time Goes By.
“You’re probably wondering to yourself,” Renfield blew cigarette smoke in Bogart style fashion into the air, “Why of all the hairstyling salons in all the world did that nasty Brit Renfield R. Renfield have to walk into this one?”.
“It burns, it burns,” Putin seemed to be singing a Russian Orthodox style litany of pain on the spot.
“Like I said this hairstyling salon is actually an MI-6 operation,” Renfield smiled, “and that burning sensation you’re still feeling from the steaming hot towel is probably caused by a smattering of VX nerve agent on the towel- the same substance that killed Kim Jong-nam (the half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un) when two women attacked his face with towels at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on February 13th last year. But don’t worry the amount put on your towel isn’t enough to kill you. Just enough to give you the most delectable amount of pain until you do face your death.”
“How am I to die?” Asked Putin.
The topless short skirted hairstylists had meanwhile grabbed Putin and took off all his clothes and then forced him into a kneeling position with his bum stuck up in the air.
“Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Harvey Weinstein,” Renfield introduced the disgraced Hollywood producer who likewise was in the all together save for the pair of glasses 👓 he was wearing, “Mr. Weinstein was recently given a serum invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher. This serum turned him gay.”
A look of realization and horror entered Putin’s eyes.
“Well there you go, Harvey,” Renfield pointed to the Russian leader’s most inviting derrière, “go to it.”
Weinstein mounted Putin while Amadeus played the song Home On The Range on the piano followed by the theme music to the film Brokeback Mountain.
“Mr. Weinstein’s phallus has been laced with the same nerve agent used in the attack on Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia in Salisbury,” Renfield explained, “though somewhat modified by Dr. Cadbury Rocher. Mr. Weinstein’s phallus is not harmed by the substance that it is carrying. However the same cannot be said for your rear end. You shall die a most unique and excruciating 😖 death 💀.”
“How could you do this?” Putin had tears in his eyes as well as Weinstein’s phallus in his behind.
“I was authorized to do it by an emergency meeting of Cobra 🐍 by the British government this past March 10,” Renfield smiled, “though I was given full artistic control over the whole operation so I could give it my own Renfieldian artistic flourish.”
As Weinstein exploded in orgasm, Amadeus played She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain ⛰ When She Comes on the piano.
“Salisbury, thou art avenged!” Putin shouted as he gave up the ghost 👻.
“I wonder if I can get a good Salisbury steak somewhere in Moscow,” asked Amadeus who was starting to feel hungry 😋.
Meanwhile Renfield was looking at one of the beautiful topless short skirted hairstylists and said to her, “Feodora, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 11th
2018.
Renfield Rescued By Norse Valkyrie and Then Discusses Putin With Churchill’s Ghost
Renfield Rescued By Norse Valkyrie and Then Discusses Putin With Churchill’s Ghost
Last night Sir Renfield R. Renfield MP had been saved from drowning in the Thames River by the Norse Valkyrie Svipul who had been flying overhead at the time.
Mr. Renfield had found himself caught up in an avalanche of snow and a wave of rainwater while singing badly performed renditions of old Rod Stewart and Glen Campbell songs.
The combined avalanche/wave pushed Mr. Renfield into the icy Thames River where Mr. Renfield could not extricate himself from such a predicament unless he was wearing a pair of snow flippers which he wasn’t (namely because such an unusual pair of foot apparel – a combination of snow shoes and scuba flippers- hasn’t been invented yet).
Fortunately for Mr. Renfield, the Norse Valkyrie Svipul had been flying overhead at the time.
Also fortunately for Mr. Renfield, the Norse Valkyrie Svipul did not recognize him as the individual who had butchered the lyrics and melody of the Liebestod from Richard Wagner’s opera Tristan und Isolde while performing a filibuster on a Brexit bill in the Westminster House of Commons a couple of months earlier.
Otherwise she’d have probably let the shapeshifting hamster/human British Transhumanist MP drown.
Mr. Renfield was much warmer now having put on a dry pair of clothes and also having received a thorough bottom blistering spanking from the Norse Valkyrie Svipul (who it turns out was a good dominatrix friend of the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes).
Mr. Renfield was now seated in his parliamentary office on an extra extra extra comfortable cushion on his chair at his desk seated across from the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill.
“So according to the Foreign Secretary Mr. Johnson’s speech in the Commons earlier today,” Churchill sipped on his ghostly brandy, “a certain foreign power may be responsible for the unknown substance attack on former Russian spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia Skripal in what is now being called the Salisbury Incident.”
“Yes,” Renfield nodded, “the Russians will probably stonewall high enough around Salisbury that they’ll erect a Russian Stonehenge to match the Druidic one.”
“No doubt the invisible hand of Mr. Putin is behind this,” Churchill rubbed his ghostly chin thoughtfully with his ghostly fingers.
“Undoubtedly,” Renfield sipped his non-ghostly and definitely non-ghastly brandy.
“If these ghastly events continue,” Churchill bit his ghostly lip, “Vladimir Putin may have to be bumped off.”
“Yes, I’ll probably have to bump Vladimir Putin off,” Renfield agreed as he accepted the Raymond Red Reddington Award that had been given him by an admiring fellow blogger.
“Well,” Churchill peered at Renfield over his ghostly spectacles 👓, “If any person in the world is capable of bumping off the notorious Mr. Putin, it would be you, Mr. Renfield.”
“Well, it certainly wouldn’t be Donald Trump,” Renfield agreed.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 6th
2018.
Dracul Van Helsing 