Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17

November 14, 2019 at 11:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was having a meeting with Canadian New Democratic Party leader Jagmeet Singh to discuss what bills the New Democrats would be willing to support the Liberal minority government on in Parliament.

Towards the end of their meeting, Justin said, “You know Jagmeet, I really miss having the ET gray Gali-Gula who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula as my advisor. But I could only see him if I inhaled marijuana smoke. So I used to own a pot smoking desert cactus plant that I named Strawberry Fields Forever and I would inhale the pot smoke that he exhaled. But then poor Strawberry Fields Forever was cactusnapped by Chinese Communist agents after Canada arrested Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou last year. Then recently poor Strawberry Fields Forever was brutally murdered by the same Chinese Communist agents after I accidentally got a shot of testosterone and started talking tough against the Beijing government. However I’m thinking of asking Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher in London to genetically create another pot smoking desert cactus plant for me so I can inhale the cactus’ exhaled pot smoke and I can once again start seeing the ET gray Gali-Gula who comes from the planet Nibiru. Do you think that’s a good idea? Do you think I should do it?”.

Jagmeet Singh,who looked totally shocked by the Prime Minister’s statement, gulped a few times and then said (very anxious to get out of the room with the said lunatic), “Sure, why not?”.

. . .

The anal retentive and extremely constipated Bloc Québécois leader Yves-Francois Blanchet left a meeting of the Bloc Québécois Party caucus on Parliament Hill in Ottawa when he was approached by the Press.

The press mentioned that Albertans did not take kindly to his remarks about Alberta’s role in the Canadian Federation.

Being a typical pompous arrogant French-Canadian politician, he Blanchet naturally did not take well to criticism and threw a hissy fit and temper tantrum whenever he was criticized (prompting one Alberta commentator to wonder whether Donald Trump did not have some French-Canadian in him?).

Foamed Blanchet, “Alberta can go drown in its oil. And as far as I’m concerned, I will have my cake and eat it too.”

Well Blanchet did not get a cake.

But he did get a cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity.

Although one of the Parliamentary security guards who had been drinking Harvey Wallbangers on the job swore that it was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big floppety ears that threw the cream pie into the Bloc Québécois leader’s face.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was standing in his study admiring his collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs on one of his shelves.

The Russian leader turned and suddenly noticed a drone firing bullets come straight at his study window.

Putin ducked to avoid getting hit by the bullets.

The drone bullets shot up his antique Bavarian beer mugs.

“My priceless collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs,” Putin cried.

The Russian leader had an idea who was responsible for the attack.

That odious troublemaker Renfield R. Renfield (who was now a member of the British Parliament) had sworn that if Russia had been involved in the downing of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17 (Renfield had several Malaysian friends), he Renfield would be coming after Putin with a vengeance.

Today a Netherlands based international inquiry into the downed airline announced that it had uncovered phone taps showing that high-level Russian officials were directing Russian separatist rebels in eastern Ukraine into downing the plane with a missile over rebel held territory back on July 17th 2014.

The Russian Foreign Ministry had vigorously denied the findings.

But of course Putin realized that Renfield was enough of a geopolitical analyst to realize that governments always lie when they’re caught with their pants down in incidents of wrongdoing.

It didn’t take long for Renfield to enact his revenge.

And now Putin’s priceless antique Bavarian beer mug collection was gone.

As he held tiny pieces in his fingers, the Russian leader realized that Scotch tape and fast acting Krazy Glue wouldn’t be enough to put the collection back together again.

“Renfield must pay for this,” Putin said (although he said it in Russian).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Thursday November 14th
2019.

Permalink 9 Comments

Donald Trump and The Tobacco Chewing Man

November 13, 2019 at 11:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Donald Trump and The Tobacco Chewing Man

Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office and wondering who this Voldemort guy was that some writer called J.K. Rowling just compared him to.

In walked a man in a long raincoat and hat and who was busy chewing tobacco.

The man spit the tobacco into Trump’s garbage can and then stuck another piece of chewing tobacco in his mouth.

“Who the Hell are you?” Trump asked.

“I’m the deep state operative they call the Tobacco Chewing Man,” the tobacco chewing man replied.

“How the Hell did you get a name like Tobacco Chewing Man?” Trump inquired as the deep state operative spit chewing tobacco into the Donald’s gold coloured toupee.

“Well remember that deep state operative on that ’90s TV show The X-Files they called the Cigarette Smoking Man?” The operative took another wad of chewing tobacco and put it in his mouth, “That inspired my colleagues to call me the Tobacco Chewing Man.”

“Deep state operative eh?” Trump was suspicious, “Are you one of those trying to overthrow me?”.

“I’ve got better things to do with my time,” the deep state operative spit chewing tobacco all over Trump’s Rolex watch.

“Such as?” Trump inquired.

“Bringing the entire world under U.S. domination,” the Tobacco Chewing Man answered.

“You sound like my type of guy,” Trump smiled as his smart phone started playing the melody to Deutschland Deutschland Uber Alles as it rang.

Trump ignored the call.

“So what have you been up to?” Trump asked.

“I’ve been supporting rioters in Hong Kong and rioters everywhere else in the world,” the Tobacco Chewing Man spit tobacco all over Trump’s smart phone.

“Is this a good thing as far as the United States is concerned?” Trump asked.

“It is,” the Tobacco Chewing Man nodded.

“That’s good to know,” Trump wiped the tobacco off his smart phone.

The deep state operative then spoke, “I think we can steal a piece of territory from Canada.”

“We can?” Trump was curious.

“Yes, Yves-Francois Blanchet the leader of the separatist Bloc Québécois in the Canadian Federal Parliament today met with Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau,” the Tobacco Chewing Man switched over to chewing gum since his doctor was concerned about his overuse of tobacco products, “and according to the Canadian news media, both men found they had a lot in common in their political beliefs.”

“How does this concern the United States?” Trump moved over his pen and pencil stand that was Made In China.

“Blanchet says he doesn’t support making Alberta and Western Canada feel more at home in the Canadian Federation or giving them more power,” said the Tobacco Chewing Man.

“That would have probably gone over like a lead balloon in the province of Alberta,” Trump noted in a rare intelligent observation on his part.

“Exactly,” the Tobacco Chewing Man smiled, “Alberta Premier Jason Kenney noted that the province of Quebec doesn’t mind taking billions of dollars in equalization payments from Alberta’s oil coffers so they can fund their secularist Jacobin French Revolutionary state that stomps on the rights of Muslims and Christians alike but they won’t lift a finger to help Alberta overcome its current economic malaise.”

“Sounds like a recipe for disaster,” Trump admitted.

“There was a growing call for Alberta independence in the wake of last month’s Canadian Federal election which saw Justin Trudeau returned to power,” the Tobacco Chewing Man explained, “I say we infiltrate that movement and get them to join the U.S. instead. Then we’ll definitely have a major supply of the world’s oil with the Athabasca oil sands now being on American soil.”

“That sounds like a brilliant idea,” Trump admitted.

“Of course it is,” the Tobacco Chewing Man smiled, “I was the man who came up with it.”

“I wonder why Melania gave Justin Trudeau such a smile and a glint in her eye the night they said good-bye at the G-7 Summit,” Trump mused aloud.

“Maybe because he was banging her the night before,” said the Tobacco Chewing Man.

“What?” Trump’s face turned fiery red.

“Deep state operatives spotted a man with white arms but black face and wearing a turban and singing Al Jolson minstrel songs entering Melania’s bedroom the night before,” the Tobacco Chewing Man noted.

“Fuck!” Trump pounded his desk angrily.

The Tobacco Chewing Man smiled.

He had Trump where he wanted him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 13th
2019.

Permalink 28 Comments