Renfield Insults Xi Jinping and Hong Kong’s Police Chief Gets Hemorrhoid Inducing Serum

September 7, 2020 at 10:29 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Over the weekend a 12 year-old-girl in Hong Kong who had gone downtown to buy art supplies found herself in the midst of a protest.

When she ran to get away from the protestors, the Hong Kong Police, anxious to show the world that they were even more stupid and incompetent than the Keystone Cops of silent movie era Keystone Studios fame, ran after her, threw her to the ground with half a dozen cops lying on top of her and handcuffed her and dragged her away in a police van to jail.

The incident reached the ears of British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

As China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping (who had just brought in the Hong Kong Security Law this past summer that effectively ended Hong Kong’s freedom and autonomy and made the island effectively part of a one system Chinese Communist totalitarian state) sat down at his computer, his computer had been hacked by the Set Enterprises Intelligence Team Unit.

There on his computer screen was a smiling Renfield R. Renfield who sat there playing his guitar and singing a song,

“Hey Xi Jinping, you’re a loser,
you’re a 12-year-old girl abuser,
I guess you think you’re 10 feet tall
Even though your homegrown chopstick is so small,
The Heaven above is displeased with you,
That’s why summer snow has been falling too
Letting you know your reign will be through
after India’s army kicked your ass so blue…”

A livid Xi Jinping put in a phone call to his Ministry of State Security and demanded they assassinate Renfield R. Renfield.

Meanwhile in Hong Kong, the Hong Kong Commissioner of Police Chris Ping-keung Tang had felt a sharp injection in his buttocks earlier today.

One of his assistants (who had been drinking way too many Harvey Wallbangers) said that the culprit was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears.

As the all points bulletin and call went out among the Hong Kong Police Force to be on the lookout for a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears, the mostly sober (but nevertheless still incompetent) Hong Kong police were unable to spot him.

As for the injection, it was a serum invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher that would tie the Hong Kong Commissioner of Police for 1st place along with Vladimir Putin in having the worst case of hemorrhoids in all recorded history.

And in Beijing, the Chinese vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (an ally of Renfield R. Renfield) was waiting to put the final touches on a plan to punish Xi Jinping.

Chinese vampiress Mei-ling Manchu

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 7th
2020.

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Living In A Neo-Bolshevik World

September 4, 2020 at 10:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was once again talking to his friend Amadeus Emanon via Skype.

“So,” Renfield sipped a rum and coke, “I see the Portland Oregon anarcho-Marxist thug and hooligan Michael Reinoehl who shot and killed a man in Portland Oregon last weekend was himself shot and killed by sheriff’s officers in the town of Lacey, Washington 120 miles north of Portland. There were reports that Reinoehl was hit by anywhere from 30 to 40 bullets. I guess the 4 officers who fired their guns must have felt a little behind in their target practice time and decided to make up for it.”

“Shot anywhere from 30 to 40 times?” Amadeus sipped his tea.

“Yes as Robin the Boy Wonder might have put it – Unholy holey corpse, Batman!” Renfield ate a tuna fish sandwich, “Hopefully they’ll remember to bury him face downwards so he can see where he’s going.”

“Is it true that Joe Biden recently praised Reinoehl?” Amadeus ate a doughnut.

“Yes, the man’s senility knows no bounds,” Renfield ate some pickled asparagus, “The whole political situation in the U.S. looks like a build-up to a Civil War as Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster and I have been saying for months.”

“I hear the mainstream Marxist media in the U.S. is now referring to the anarcho-Marxist thugs and hooligans as “peaceful rioters”,” Amadeus noted.

“Yes, the legalization of marijuana in various U.S. states has certainly expanded the use of idiotic terminology among that country’s journalists,” Renfield answered, “Although our BBC Communist correspondents on USA affairs are doing their best to catch up by referring to the Portland rioters as anti-racism protestors. If the whole Western world mainstream Marxist media narrative on these events is to be believed, the only anti-racists in America are anarcho-Marxist thugs and hooligans who burn, loot and murder.”

“What’s the situation in Britain and Europe?” Amadeus asked Renfield as behind the Australian quarantined British concert pianist, a group of machine gun toting kangaroos and koala bears (specially trained by an old war buddy of Uncle Ernie) shot and killed a group of Australian government commandos who were launching a raid on the property since the koala bears and kangaroos were not wearing masks nor were they practicing social distancing.

“Well, the mainstream Marxist media here in Britain and Europe have had their panties in a knot since so many people joined in protests against government draconian measures in Berlin, Germany last weekend where Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke,” Renfield explained, “Since Communists are only capable of describing people who disagree with them as Fascist (Churchill’s ghost told me that he once beaned Josef Stalin over the head with a vodka bottle when he Stalin did that to Churchill), they referred to the protestors as “far right” and “covid deniers”. When in reality, the vast majority of them are people who are just fed up with politicians acting like totalitarians and despots. When this thing began 6 months ago, we were told to stay in place until the curve was flattened and prevent hospitals from being overwhelmed. Well the curve has been flattened and hospitals are not being overwhelmed. Now the same group of despotic bozos who are our political leaders are telling us to stay in place until a vaccine is found. Yet these same political elites don’t apply the same rule to themselves. Nancy Pelosi wanders around a hairstyling salon without a mask on although now she’s claiming (as small children point and tell her that her pants are on fire) that she was deliberately set up. The mayor of Philadelphia (who has forbidden restaurants in Philadelphia to open) is himself seen eating in a restaurant in Baltimore Maryland where restaurants are allowed to open. The politicians expect the plebs to follow their dictates even as they flaunt the rules themselves.”

“That’s quite something,” Amadeus looked out the back window where a group of kangaroos and koalas were beating up the Premier of Australia’s Victoria state.

“Yes, another thing different about this year of 2020,” Renfield lit a cigar, “In previous times the press used to be a beacon of liberty. Today the mainstream Marxist media in the Western world is the biggest journalistic enemy of freedom in all recorded history. And anything they say or write should be taken with a thousand grains of salt.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 4th
2020.

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Renfield Discusses Lukashenko and U.S. Democratic Party Convention

August 17, 2020 at 11:06 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having a video conversation via Skype with his friend Amadeus Emanon who was currently in Australia.

Behind Renfield and a little to the left was a London police bobby who was struggling in an Egyptian mummy style plastic bondage suit (that Renfield had borrowed from world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes).

The bobby had made the mistake of asking Renfield why he wasn’t wearing a mandatory face mask (like the rest of the UK’s slave population) and was about to write him a ticket for it.

Now the bobby’s most pressing concern was how to get out of the Egyptian mummy style plastic bondage suit.

“I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t have hired the Countess Draculina to beat the Hell out of Belarusian President Aleksandr Lukashenko,” Renfield ate a tuna fish sandwich.

“Why’s that?” Amadeus ate his teriyaki fried rice.

“Well a friend of mine who’s a writer of romance novels commented on the blog of a friend of mine who’s a geopolitical analyst that maybe Lukashenko enjoyed being beaten up by Countess Draculina,” Renfield sipped his sage tea, “I never considered that possibility.”

“Your London bobby friend doesn’t seem to be enjoying that bondage suit he’s wrapped up in,” Amadeus pointed.

“No, he doesn’t,” Renfield briefly glanced over at the bobby before adding a little gin to his sage tea, “You know what the really interesting thing is that back in the 1990s and early 2000s, the Western news media used to refer to Aleksandr Lukashenko as Eastern Europe’s last Stalinist style leader and dictator. Then in the 2010s, they stopped doing that. And now as Lukashenko stands on the precipice of being overthrown by his own people, there’s no mention in the Western news media of how Lukashenko is Eastern Europe’s last Stalinist totalitarian leader.”

“I wonder why that is,” Amadeus started eating his lime sherbet dessert.

“I suspect it’s because the Western news media has become so infected by the virus of Cultural Marxism that they’ve come down with a bad case of Neo-Stalinist pneumonia themselves and are too stupid to realize it,” Renfield answered.

“Wow,” Amadeus opened up his fortune cookie.

“There’s a Belarusian state TV presenter Tatyana Borodkina who hosted the morning show Breakfast For 3 where she would prepare breakfast recipes helped out by her two daughters. But last week she announced her resignation from the program on Facebook because she could “no longer smile out from the TV screen” after this blatantly rigged election. She has since had to flee the country along with her children after receiving threats,” Renfield noted.

Belarusian TV presenter Tatyana Borodkina with her two daughters

“That’s very sad,” Amadeus put down his fortune cookie message that told him to beware of elderly Australian drag queens who wanted to be called Uncle as you sat on his knee.

“Apparently after posting her feelings on social media, an old acquaintance showed up at the popular STV presenter’s door and threatened her. He told Tatyana that Belarus was a wonderful country to live in and asked what she thought she was doing. He told Tatyana that he was warning her nicely but that other people would be coming to her house tomorrow. She then received anonymous threatening messages on her phone that night. So the next day, she packed up and fled to Kiev Ukraine with her children,” Renfield explained.

“That’s awful,” Amadeus put aside the 1000 Year Old Egg that the restaurant proprieter Mr. Inn Lu had brought him.

“It’s rather interesting that the way Lukashenko’s Stalinist state thugs are threatening opponents is being conducted in much the same manner as the anarcho-Marxist thugs and hooligans of Antifa and BLM are threatening and intimidating anyone they fancy disagrees with them. Prior to the death of George Floyd, most people thought that BLM stands for Black Lives Matter. Now after the death of George Floyd, the intelligent observer now notes that BLM really stands for Burn Loot Murder as they riot and vandalize and commit acts of arson and murder people in what the mainstream U.S. media unashamedly call “peaceful protests”. The combination of severely acute Cultural Marxist virus infection and subsequent Neo-Stalinist pneumonia on the part of the U.S. news media has produced a condition that most forensic coroners call “rigor mortis of the brain”. Sadly there is no known cure.”

“Awful,” Amadeus started to sip his chocolate milkshake.

“I want you to look at an ad Joe Biden is currently running at the U.S. Democratic Virtual Presidential Convention,” Renfield put the video on the screen.

The ad concludes with the words “In Joe Biden’s America, this is your new normal… forced testing, forced masking, forced unemployment, forced vaccinations.”

Amadeus was shocked, “This is the ad that Joe Biden’s team is putting out? As if all that was something positive and worth voting for?”.

“I was informed there was an ad that the Joe Biden Campaign Team had put out that Donald Trump could also use and show on TV for his own advantage,” Renfield explained, “I assume this is the ad unless there’s a worse one than this one out there. I think Biden’s campaign team has spent too much time down in Joe’s basement inhaling smoke from Uncle Joe’s pot smoking desert cactus plant.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 17th
2020.

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The Montague Hypothesis

August 2, 2020 at 10:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was conversing via Skype with his best friend Amadeus Emanon.

Amadeus had gone to Australia back in January to help rescue koala bears and kangaroos from the summer wildfires that were rummaging through Australia at the time.

Amadeus got trapped in Australia due to the pandemic.

Occasionally the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s eco-friendly environmentally friendly cannabis oil powered dirigible airship visited Australia but that was to pick up important visitors like Uncle Ernie and fly him to Washington DC and important European capitals and back.

Fatal heart attacks caused by Uncle Ernie’s impromptu drag queen performances to various individuals were listed as deaths by Covid-19 by various National Health Authorities throughout the world.

“So, what has Dr. Marmalade Montague been up to lately?” Amadeus asked Renfield.

Dr. Marmalade Montague was the eccentric Parisienne ex-baker who lost his bakery business during the Covid-19 lockdown earlier this year.

He had shown up at the door of Set Enterprises’ laboratory claiming to be the Court Scientist To The Court of Louis Quatorze who had fallen into a time warp and wound up in the year 2020.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher had taken pity on him and gave him a small office (and an even smaller lab) to play around in.

Dr. Montague was positive that he could come up with a cure for or an antidote to Covid-19.

He came up with various eccentric recipes for killing Covid-19.

If Dr. Marmalade Montague had had a Twitter account, his Covid recipe tweets would have probably been retweeted by one Donald Trump @realDonaldTrump .

“He’s come up with the idea that the Covid-19 virus has intelligence and that’s why it’s able to go through so many different manifestations and change itself so many times to confuse antibodies,” Renfield answered.

Amadeus laughed, “I suppose that idea got the usual short shrift from Dr. Cadbury Rocher like always happens when Dr. Marmalade Montague approaches him with one of his many weird ideas.”

“That’s the terrifying thing,” Renfield downed a 75 ounce bottle of whisky in one gulp, “Dr. Cadbury Rocher didn’t make short shrift of this particular Montague hypothesis. He just looked extremely glum and walked on. Then he phoned a WHO representative who promptly dropped dead of a heart attack (without ever having seen an Uncle Ernie drag queen show).”

“That’s a whole new game changer isn’t it?” Amadeus had actually stopped eating while he was on Skype, “A virus with intelligence and an ability to think.”

“It is,” Renfield downed another 75 ounce bottle of whisky in one gulp, “I suppose they might finally break the news to the world after a couple of months of 90% of the world’s population wearing face masks and still no stoppage in the spreading of the virus.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 2nd
2020.

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Nantes Cathedral Fire In The Time of The Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus

July 18, 2020 at 10:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was reading a dossier about the various fires and explosions that had been happening in Iran the past couple of weeks.

Missile factories, nuclear facilities, power plants and industrial factories had all been hit.

A couple of days ago, Yossi Cohen the head of Mossad had all but admitted that Israel was responsible.

Of course most people in the Western world would not know about this because as the astute commentator Frank Walker pointed out, “All you hear about in the news these days is news about the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus.”

Frank Walker was being sarcastic when he said this.

But of course it was an accurate description of the current obsession of the modern world.

Back in 1966, TIME Magazine had a famous cover story that posed the question IS GOD DEAD?

Of course the way the late 1960s and the subsequent decade of the 1970s evolved, God was indeed dead.

At least as far as the western world was concerned.

Other things concerned the world the next few decades.

Sex, movies, a war here, a war there, an ethnic cleansing here, an ethnic cleansing there, a wall coming down, a wall being built, the Internet, Pokemon, various world leaders coming and going.

And finally after years of various parts of the world being obsessed by different things, the world was finally coming together as one in one common obsession- the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus.

Who knew with the emergence of the New Age Movement in the early 1980s that the New Age Maitreya Messianic figure would turn out to be a virus?

Could John Lennon have possibly Imagined it?

“Imagine all the people… wearing face masks…”

Imagine Dr. Anthony Fauci emerging as the Prophet of the New Age.

Sir James George Frazer would have positively sawed the Golden Bough underneath himself sending himself plunging to his death as he saw his anthropological theory of evolution moving from magic to religion to science all blown to shreds as people bowed and covered themselves in obeisance to the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus and Dr. Anthony Fauci is its prophet.

There was a 7.0 earthquake that rattled Papua New Guinea yesterday and a tsunami warning issued.

But one wouldn’t know that, Renfield reflected, because the news media across the world spent their newscasts yapping about the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus.

“Experts” would come on yapping about the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus.

One “expert” would be followed by another “expert” that would totally contradict what the previous expert had just said.

And then were “experts” who totally contradicted what they themselves had said just the week before.

Bloggers wrote blog posts telling us that our governments, leaders and “experts” only want what’s best for us.

I wonder what variety of crack they’ve been smoking, Renfield thought to himself.

Senility prone Joe Biden had released an Independence Day message that had basically been plagiarized from Karl Marx’s 1848 Communist Manifesto with some of the philosophy to be found in the writings of Aleister Crowley thrown in for good measure.

The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC and CBS didn’t note that, Renfield reflected, because Marxism and Crowleyism was probably right up or maybe left up their alleys anyways.

And they could instead promote mantras to the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus (Mantras such as “Stay Home, Stay Safe” and “We’re All In This Together” – the latter mantra also being true of a bunch of frogs in the same pot of slowly heat accelerating and slowly boiling water).

The Cathedral of Saint Peter et Saint Paul in Nantes, France burning on fire as a result of arson today not mentioned in most of the western news media.

Again because of 24/7 news coverage of the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus.

With the latest long winded exposition of the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus’ Secrets and Mysteries being explained and expostulated by the members of the Priesthood of “Experts” appearing on the show.

One thing about appearing on TV wearing a face mask, Renfield thought, nobody will be able to judge from your facial expression that you don’t know what the Hell you’re talking about.

Nantes Cathedral burns?

Christ is so yesterday (Definitely not today and forever).

Only the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus is forever.

When World War III happens, no one will know
because it’s all the Blessed, Holy and Eternal Virus show.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 18th
2020.

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Pan Goatee Slays Heavy Drinking Uglo While Hades and Poseidon Hold Summit

June 28, 2020 at 10:30 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee was sickened by the sight of some repulsively ugly looking creature entering a liquor store.

“I guess if I was as ugly looking as you are, I’d be driven to drink as well,” the satyr commented as he lopped the uglo’s head off with his astral laser machete.

He then cut up the said uglo into 999 quintillion pieces with his machete as he addressed the approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing rats and approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing nanites who’d be eating the remains of the uglo and then vomiting them up on the banks of the River Styx for transport to Tartarus, “With the Covid refusing to die down like a good virus, the United Nations’ Communist Secretary-General Antonio Guterres saying he hopes a global Marxist government can be quickly established as the “new normal” in a post-pandemic world and Neo-Bolshevik insurrectionists establishing a neo-Jacobin French Revolutionary style Reign of Terror in the U.S., you’re not helping matters aesthetically polluting Gaia by wandering around with your ugly looking faces ruining the days of sensible people everywhere but of course not the days of stupid people (of which there seems to be an overabundance in the Western world). Dickens said of the years of the original Reign of Terror, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. But thanks to the repulsive pathetically ugly ugliness of uglos such as yourself, we’ve only got the “worst of times’ in this second Reign of Terror.”

Meanwhile down in the Underworld, Hades the Greek god of the underworld was holding a summit meeting with Poseidon the Greek god of the Ocean.

“The Underworld seems to be inundated with a lot of uglos these days because of that troublesome satyr Pan Goatee,” Hades complained to Poseidon.

“I don’t think you can blame Pan Goatee,” Poseidon came to the defense of the satyr, “you have to blame the Western world for somehow having an overabundance of ugly females. Our brother Zeus says he no longer visits Canada and the U.S.A. anymore when he’s feeling raunchy. It just invokes nausea in him.”

“Turning to another matter, I granted the ghost of General Andrew Jackson a dispensational release from Purgatory so he can go fight the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents that are trying to take over the U.S.,” Hades lit himself a cigar.

“Jackson heard about that?” Poseidon ate a scallop.

“Yes, news reached him about the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents trying to tear his statue down in the vicinity of the White House a few days ago so now he wants to go fight them,” Hades explained.

“And why did you agree to his request?” Poseidon asked.

“Because he provides me with such good cigars,” Hades blew smoke rings, “although I think he gets them from the ghost of his wife who was apparently quite the cigar connoisseur in her mortal life.”

“What’s the latest with the Neo-Bolshevik insurrection in the U.S. anyways?” Poseidon ate a lobster who was a distant cousin of Set Enterprises’ famed psychic lobster Michelangelo.

“I hear Antifa has been advertising a peaceful family friendly 4th of July Flag Burning at the Gettysburg Cemetery this coming 4th of July,” Hades drank a gin and tonic.

“I imagine Abe Lincoln’s ghost and Union General Ulysses S. Grant will be requesting dispensations if that goes ahead,” Poseidon remarked.

“Undoubtedly,” Hades nodded.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 28th
2020.

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The New Roaring 20s Off To A Roaring Start

January 1, 2020 at 11:28 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The New Roaring 20s Off To A Roaring Start

The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka welcomed the year of 2020 with a burst of silver snowflakes and paper raindrops.

The obnoxious Achilles was back in Hades and her friend Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander went to the Times of London Berlin bureau to discuss his coverage of the New Year’s Eve literary gala with that newspaper’s bureau chief.

The Olympian Greek god Zeus, who had crashed the party posing as the author of a book on Greek mythogy, had to be carried out on a stretcher and taken to a Berlin hospital.

This happened after Zeus’ wife Hera (who was an officially invited guest to the New Year’s Eve literary gala party) had hit her husband over the head with a statue of the Egyptian goddess Sekhmet. 

Leaving the party in the early hours of January 1st, Tanaka boarded the New Year’s Day dirigible from Berlin to London.

She arrived in London, had breakfast with her friend Dracul Van Helsing and then joined him in viewing the London New Year’s Day Parade.

. . .

In Alexandria Egypt, the Norse trickster god Loki was enjoying a New Year’s Day morning breakfast with Hades the Greek god of the Underworld.

Loki was meeting Hades because he had come up with a plan to add a bit of mischief to the New Year.

“So, what is your plan?” Hades asked Loki between plates of scrambled eggs.

“I think you should grant the ghost of America’s greatest trial criminal defence lawyer Clarence Darrow a temporary dispensation to leave your realm and come back up to Earth,” Loki suggested.

“And why should I do that?” Hades inquired.

“To defend Donald Trump at his trial in the Senate,” Loki smiled mischievously.

“That would certainly ruin Nancy Pelosi’s and Sen. Chuck Schumer’s New Year if I did that,” Hades admitted, “I’ll have to think it over.”

The Israeli Mossad agent code named Star of Azazel was sitting over at the next table across from the two deities.

He smiled at the suggestion.

But he would have to act quickly.

For Star of Azazel was already on his way to Washington DC to meet with Trump.

His proposal to Trump was a way for both the American President and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to escape serious charges in both their respective countries.

And that was to wage war on Iran.

Nothing helps a political leader more than to wage war as a form of distraction for their respective populace.

. . .

The ghost of Alexander the Great had been allowed to leave the realm of Hades for the first time in over 2300 years.

He had appeared out of nowhere aboard a Greek cruise ship sailing in the Mediterranean.

The only thing Alexander knew about his dispensational leave from the realm of Hades was that Zeus had requested it.

Alexander had with him the surprisingly 21st Century tech savvy 3-headed dog Cerberus to guide him through the opening year of this decade.

Cerberus was on his Huawei smart phone (which unbeknownst to him was being monitored by the Black Dragon the supernatural entity advisor to China’s supreme leader Xi Jinping) trying to get in touch with Zeus.

Cerberus managed to reach Zeus’ Amazon assistant Alexa the Magnificent (a Greek Amazon Warrioress with a very nice pair of knockers).

Alexa told Cerberus that Zeus was currently in the comatose patient unit of a Berlin hospital where German Chancellor Angela Merkel was sitting at his bedside reciting to him passages from Homer.

“Zeus is unavailable at the moment,” Cerberus informed Alexander The Great.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 1st
2020.

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Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17

November 14, 2019 at 11:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Justin’s Proposed New Cactus, Bloc Québécois Asshole Blanchet and The Downing of Flight MH17

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was having a meeting with Canadian New Democratic Party leader Jagmeet Singh to discuss what bills the New Democrats would be willing to support the Liberal minority government on in Parliament.

Towards the end of their meeting, Justin said, “You know Jagmeet, I really miss having the ET gray Gali-Gula who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula as my advisor. But I could only see him if I inhaled marijuana smoke. So I used to own a pot smoking desert cactus plant that I named Strawberry Fields Forever and I would inhale the pot smoke that he exhaled. But then poor Strawberry Fields Forever was cactusnapped by Chinese Communist agents after Canada arrested Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou last year. Then recently poor Strawberry Fields Forever was brutally murdered by the same Chinese Communist agents after I accidentally got a shot of testosterone and started talking tough against the Beijing government. However I’m thinking of asking Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher in London to genetically create another pot smoking desert cactus plant for me so I can inhale the cactus’ exhaled pot smoke and I can once again start seeing the ET gray Gali-Gula who comes from the planet Nibiru. Do you think that’s a good idea? Do you think I should do it?”.

Jagmeet Singh,who looked totally shocked by the Prime Minister’s statement, gulped a few times and then said (very anxious to get out of the room with the said lunatic), “Sure, why not?”.

. . .

The anal retentive and extremely constipated Bloc Québécois leader Yves-Francois Blanchet left a meeting of the Bloc Québécois Party caucus on Parliament Hill in Ottawa when he was approached by the Press.

The press mentioned that Albertans did not take kindly to his remarks about Alberta’s role in the Canadian Federation.

Being a typical pompous arrogant French-Canadian politician, he Blanchet naturally did not take well to criticism and threw a hissy fit and temper tantrum whenever he was criticized (prompting one Alberta commentator to wonder whether Donald Trump did not have some French-Canadian in him?).

Foamed Blanchet, “Alberta can go drown in its oil. And as far as I’m concerned, I will have my cake and eat it too.”

Well Blanchet did not get a cake.

But he did get a cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity.

Although one of the Parliamentary security guards who had been drinking Harvey Wallbangers on the job swore that it was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big floppety ears that threw the cream pie into the Bloc Québécois leader’s face.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was standing in his study admiring his collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs on one of his shelves.

The Russian leader turned and suddenly noticed a drone firing bullets come straight at his study window.

Putin ducked to avoid getting hit by the bullets.

The drone bullets shot up his antique Bavarian beer mugs.

“My priceless collection of antique Bavarian beer mugs,” Putin cried.

The Russian leader had an idea who was responsible for the attack.

That odious troublemaker Renfield R. Renfield (who was now a member of the British Parliament) had sworn that if Russia had been involved in the downing of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17 (Renfield had several Malaysian friends), he Renfield would be coming after Putin with a vengeance.

Today a Netherlands based international inquiry into the downed airline announced that it had uncovered phone taps showing that high-level Russian officials were directing Russian separatist rebels in eastern Ukraine into downing the plane with a missile over rebel held territory back on July 17th 2014.

The Russian Foreign Ministry had vigorously denied the findings.

But of course Putin realized that Renfield was enough of a geopolitical analyst to realize that governments always lie when they’re caught with their pants down in incidents of wrongdoing.

It didn’t take long for Renfield to enact his revenge.

And now Putin’s priceless antique Bavarian beer mug collection was gone.

As he held tiny pieces in his fingers, the Russian leader realized that Scotch tape and fast acting Krazy Glue wouldn’t be enough to put the collection back together again.

“Renfield must pay for this,” Putin said (although he said it in Russian).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Thursday November 14th
2019.

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Donald Trump and The Tobacco Chewing Man

November 13, 2019 at 11:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Donald Trump and The Tobacco Chewing Man

Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office and wondering who this Voldemort guy was that some writer called J.K. Rowling just compared him to.

In walked a man in a long raincoat and hat and who was busy chewing tobacco.

The man spit the tobacco into Trump’s garbage can and then stuck another piece of chewing tobacco in his mouth.

“Who the Hell are you?” Trump asked.

“I’m the deep state operative they call the Tobacco Chewing Man,” the tobacco chewing man replied.

“How the Hell did you get a name like Tobacco Chewing Man?” Trump inquired as the deep state operative spit chewing tobacco into the Donald’s gold coloured toupee.

“Well remember that deep state operative on that ’90s TV show The X-Files they called the Cigarette Smoking Man?” The operative took another wad of chewing tobacco and put it in his mouth, “That inspired my colleagues to call me the Tobacco Chewing Man.”

“Deep state operative eh?” Trump was suspicious, “Are you one of those trying to overthrow me?”.

“I’ve got better things to do with my time,” the deep state operative spit chewing tobacco all over Trump’s Rolex watch.

“Such as?” Trump inquired.

“Bringing the entire world under U.S. domination,” the Tobacco Chewing Man answered.

“You sound like my type of guy,” Trump smiled as his smart phone started playing the melody to Deutschland Deutschland Uber Alles as it rang.

Trump ignored the call.

“So what have you been up to?” Trump asked.

“I’ve been supporting rioters in Hong Kong and rioters everywhere else in the world,” the Tobacco Chewing Man spit tobacco all over Trump’s smart phone.

“Is this a good thing as far as the United States is concerned?” Trump asked.

“It is,” the Tobacco Chewing Man nodded.

“That’s good to know,” Trump wiped the tobacco off his smart phone.

The deep state operative then spoke, “I think we can steal a piece of territory from Canada.”

“We can?” Trump was curious.

“Yes, Yves-Francois Blanchet the leader of the separatist Bloc Québécois in the Canadian Federal Parliament today met with Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau,” the Tobacco Chewing Man switched over to chewing gum since his doctor was concerned about his overuse of tobacco products, “and according to the Canadian news media, both men found they had a lot in common in their political beliefs.”

“How does this concern the United States?” Trump moved over his pen and pencil stand that was Made In China.

“Blanchet says he doesn’t support making Alberta and Western Canada feel more at home in the Canadian Federation or giving them more power,” said the Tobacco Chewing Man.

“That would have probably gone over like a lead balloon in the province of Alberta,” Trump noted in a rare intelligent observation on his part.

“Exactly,” the Tobacco Chewing Man smiled, “Alberta Premier Jason Kenney noted that the province of Quebec doesn’t mind taking billions of dollars in equalization payments from Alberta’s oil coffers so they can fund their secularist Jacobin French Revolutionary state that stomps on the rights of Muslims and Christians alike but they won’t lift a finger to help Alberta overcome its current economic malaise.”

“Sounds like a recipe for disaster,” Trump admitted.

“There was a growing call for Alberta independence in the wake of last month’s Canadian Federal election which saw Justin Trudeau returned to power,” the Tobacco Chewing Man explained, “I say we infiltrate that movement and get them to join the U.S. instead. Then we’ll definitely have a major supply of the world’s oil with the Athabasca oil sands now being on American soil.”

“That sounds like a brilliant idea,” Trump admitted.

“Of course it is,” the Tobacco Chewing Man smiled, “I was the man who came up with it.”

“I wonder why Melania gave Justin Trudeau such a smile and a glint in her eye the night they said good-bye at the G-7 Summit,” Trump mused aloud.

“Maybe because he was banging her the night before,” said the Tobacco Chewing Man.

“What?” Trump’s face turned fiery red.

“Deep state operatives spotted a man with white arms but black face and wearing a turban and singing Al Jolson minstrel songs entering Melania’s bedroom the night before,” the Tobacco Chewing Man noted.

“Fuck!” Trump pounded his desk angrily.

The Tobacco Chewing Man smiled.

He had Trump where he wanted him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 13th
2019.

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Athena’s Song

October 5, 2019 at 9:56 pm (Arts, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Athena’s Song

The Kraken Napoleon VI was sitting in a Parisienne cafe with several bottles of rum in front of him.

The Ancient Greek god Zeus entered the cafe and sat down from the Kraken.

“I believe we met on Mount Olympus last year,” said Zeus, “You’re Medusa’s husband aren’t you?”.

“I am,” the Kraken nodded.

Zeus ordered a glass of ouzo from the waiter.

“I understand you’re a member of the European Parliament along with Medusa,” Zeus added some Grecian Formula to his grey beard.

“That is correct,” said the Kraken Napoleon VI, “Waiting for the day that the French people elect me Emperor of France.”

“Any luck with that?” Zeus took out a comb and started combing his beard.

“No,” the Kraken admitted.

“Bummer,” said Zeus who was also recalling the day he unexpectedly walked into his son Apollo’s bedroom when the latter had his friend Hyacinth over.

The Greek deity and the Kraken then discussed Brexit.

The Kraken asked Zeus if he could do anything to possibly help the Kraken’s friend Renfield R. Renfield who, even though he was a British Transhumanist Party MP, was a member of Boris Johnson’s cabinet.

Zeus agreed.

Meanwhile on stage in a Paris nightclub was Zeus’ daughter Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom.

Athena sang a song,

“Those were the days of wine and roses,
Love will be like this always one supposes 
But as the sands of time travel on
Wine loses its flavour and the singer their song
What once was wonder has turned to dust 
like a once new car turned to rust
The sun has set, the moon is eclipsed,
no sparks now fly at exchange of lips,
The day is done, The night is black,
Love has fled down the track,
Enjoy the days of wine and roses while you can
Before the time you just feel an also ran.”

-A vampire novel chapter
and poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 5th
2019.

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