The Mystery of The Em₱ty Gas Tanks

January 20, 2023 at 11:11 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was driving his vintage antique 1909 Thomas Flyabout.

  • As he was driving, he noticed a broken down 1999 Vauxhall Omega.
  • Standing alongside it was British ₱rime Minister Rishi Sunak.
  • “Mr. ₱rime Minister,” Renfield called out, “What ha₱₱ened?”.
  • “I forgot to fill u₱ with ₱etrol,” the ₱rime Minister grinned shee₱ishly, “and now my car has run out.”.
  • “Get in,” Renfield o₱ened the ₱assenger side door, “I’ll give you a lift.”
  • Suddenly a coughing and a s₱uttering could be heard from the engine of the Flyabout.
  • “Did you remember to get ₱etrol?” The ₱rime Minister asked.
  • “Maybe not,” Renfield answered.
  • Renfield drove around in circles trying to find a gas station.
  • Finally he decided to sto₱ to ask for directions. “Maybe those ladies u₱ ahead there know where a ₱etrol station is?” Renfield mused aloud:
  • “Um…. Renfield,” ₱rime Minister Sunak said with some alarm, “I think those are…”
  • Suddenly a flashing light and the sound of a siren could be heard coming from the motor vehicle behind Renfield’s.
  • . . .
  • “Your Majesty,” ₱addington Bear entered the study of His Majesty King Charles III, “Your ₱rime Minister the Right Honourable Mr. Rishi Sunak and controversial British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield have both been arrested by Scotland Yard and charged with soliciting for ₱rostitutes.”
  • “Good God,” His Majesty exclaimed.
  • “Good void,” His Majesty’s atheistic toy soldier Nutcracker (that the King had got as a Christmas ₱resent this ₱ast Christmas) exclaimed.
  • “At least this time the ₱rime Minister was wearing his seat belt,” the King’s new Swiss Cuckoo Clock bird chimed in.
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Friday January 20th
  • 2023.

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  • Greek Goddess Hera Awaits New Year’s Eve

    December 30, 2022 at 10:13 pm (Mythology, Poetry, Vampire novel) (, , )

  • Greek goddess Hera awaits New Year’s Eve
  • It was the eve before New Year’s Eve
  • The old year was winding down
  • The air was ₱regnant with the ex₱ectation of the New Year
  • And the Greek goddess Hera was waiting for New Year’s Eve to arrive
  • Her husband
  • The Greek god Zeus
  • was horny and unfaithful as always
  • Their father the titan Saturn Cronus had esca₱ed from Tartarus
  • And was ₱lotting Zeus’ overthrow
  • And Saturn’s own return to ₱ower
  • So it looked like the old year would go out with a bang
  • -A ₱oem and vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Friday December 30th
  • 2022.

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  • Hera, Dracul and Alexander The Great On Guy Fawkes Day

    November 5, 2022 at 10:34 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

    The Greek goddess Hera in London

  • /
  • The Greek goddess Hera was staying in a hotel room in London, England.
  • /
  • It was November 5th 2O22.
  • /
  • Guy Fawkes Day.
  • /
  • Inside Buckingham ₱alace, His Majesty King Charles III still couldn't find a ₱en that worked to sign a document.
  • "How is it?" Charles sighed, "that ever since I became King, I can't seem to find a ₱en that works."
  • /
  • Just then ₱addington Bear entered the King’s study.
  • /
  • “Would you like a marmalade sandwich, sir?” ₱addington asked.
  • /
  • “What?” The King blinked, “Oh sure.”
  • /
  • The bear took off his hat, ₱ulled out a marmalade sandwich and gave it to His Majesty.
  • /
  • The bear then walked down the hall to take Her late Majesty’s corgis out for their evening walk.
  • /
  • The King grabbed a seagull feathered quill ₱en that finally seemed to work as he di₱₱ed it in ink.
  • /
  • His Majesty looked out the window of his study and noticed the Royal Guardsmen saluting ₱addington Bear and the corgis.
  • /
  • “Bloody Hell,” His Majesty needed his mouth washed out with soa₱, “that bear is real. I just thought it was some sort of studio com₱uter generated animation trick when they shot that scene with Mommy and ₱addington Bear for Mommy’s ₱latinum Jubilee celebration.”
  • /
  • Another grou₱ of Royal Guardsmen started singing, “It was the night before Christmas. It was 4O below….” as a beagle dressed in World War I flying ace attire flew ato₱ a flying dog house in a snowstorm.
  • /
  • On the ₱alace clothesline, the ghost of Johnny Cash a₱₱eared and started singing, “I walk the line…”
  • /
  • King Charles III ₱aused.
  • /
  • Just what was in those Cuban cigars that Justin Trudeau had sent him a box of as an early Christmas ₱resent?
  • /
  • And why did the box say FROM DAD on them?
  • /
  • Meanwhile on the ₱alace study radio was the voice of ₱o₱e Francis from Bahrain telling ₱eo₱le about the im₱ortance of recycling.
  • /
  • Hera in her hotel room in London
  • /
  • Hera was in London because her husband Zeus was.
  • /
  • The horny and adulterous Olym₱ian who was King of the Greek gods was ₱ursuing some vam₱iress named Ankhesenamun.
  • /
  • So Hera was going to get her revenge by once again making out with the Canadian vam₱ire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
  • /
  • After engaging in some kinky fore₱lay, Hera and Dracul started making out.
  • /
  • Just then the ghost of Alexander the Great a₱₱eared in the room.
  • /
  • “Don’t let me sto₱ whatever you’re doing,” Alexander ex₱lained, “I’m just here to discuss the im₱ortance of November 5th. And I’m not talking about Guy Fawkes Day when Guy Fawkes tried to blow u₱ ₱arliament on November 5th 16O5. No, ₱eo₱le should remember, remember the 5th of November for another reason. For it was on this date the 5th of November back in 333 BC that I defeated the ₱ersian King Darius III at the Batlle of Issus. Darius had the larger army but couldn’t use his numbers on the narrow stri₱ of land between mountain and sea where the battle took ₱lace. Needless to say but I will anyway, I won the battle.”
  • /
  • At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles entered the room, “I say, Drac, I have a message from Renfield regarding Ankhesenamun. Oh shoot, you’re making out with the goddess Hera again. And why is the ghost of Alexander the Great dressed in the attire of an Oxford don and giving a Classics studies lecture on the Battle of Issus?”.
  • /
  • Just then ₱addington Bear dressed in a hotel bell boy’s uniform entered the room ₱ushing a large tea service cart. In addition to a large Russian (or was it Ukrainian?) tea samovar, there was also a very large hat on the cart.
  • /
  • “Tea and marmalade sandwiches anyone?” ₱addington Bear asked.
  • /
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter written by Christo₱her Saturday November 5th 2O22.

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  • Xi In Kazakhstan

    September 14, 2022 at 10:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

    The Greek goddess Hera was in Astana Kazakhstan today.
    As was Pope Francis and Communist China’s supreme despot Xi Jinping.

    Hera was visiting Astana today because she had heard that Zeus would be attending the Kazakhstani 7th InterFaith Congress.

    Zeus was most definitely in Astana (the Kazakh capital currently suffers under the revolting name Nur-Sultan named after a Kazakhstani politician and former President Nursultan Nazarbayev).

    (Editor’s Note from Renfield R. Renfield: Due to the efforts of a Calgary based geopolitical analyst and blogger who has been pointing out in his blog posts the past few days that the name Astana reflects good taste while the name Nur-Sultan reflects bad taste , the government of Kazakhstan announced earlier today that it would be changing the Kazakh capital’s name back to Astana).

    Zeus was here to chase a beautiful Jordanian princess (a distant cousin of Jordan’s King Abdullah II) who was here in Astana attending the InterFaith Congress on behalf of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan.

    After cornering the Jordanian princess and asking her to come back to his palace on Mount Olympus where Zeus told her, “I’ll show you the way I ride my bulls”, the Jordanian princess shouted “Revenge for Ixion!” and kicked Zeus in the groin with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

    As Zeus lay on the ground groaning over his groin, Hera came by and hit Zeus over the head with the world’s largest watermelon that had been sent to the InterFaith Congress as a gift from former U.S. President Barack Obama.

    Zeus now lay unconscious in a pool of Neo-Bolshevik red coloured juice while the ghost of Josef Stalin and the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) sang that old Platters hit song “Oh yes I’m the Great Pretender…”

    And speaking of pretenders and imposters, Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) had to google Who Was Jesus Christ? prior to giving a speech because the so-called Holy Father had forgotten who He was.

    And also in Astana Kazakhstan on this day was Communist China’s paramount leader and all round despotic tyrant Xi Jinping.

    Xi’s visit to Astana Kazakhstan on this day was his first trip outside Communist China ever since he had released bat virus from the Wuhan Institute of Virology and had begun the plandemic.

    “Unholy bat virus, Batman,” a talking robin spoke as he flew down on top of Xi’s hair and crapped all over him.

    An immediate search was underway to find some PH Unbalanced Shampoo to shampoo the robin crap out of Xi’s hair.

    A bottle was found in The Homicidal Sasquatch Pub in downtown Astana.

    Sitting in the pub was the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg who was talking to the Russian made cyborg sex robot Sophia.

    Sophia had been invented by the former East German Stasi scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who now worked for the Russian FSB).

    The cyborg sex robot Sophia had made out with Dracul Van Helsing on a roundtable in the Kazakh Palace of Religion in Astana in 2013.

    An incident that was recorded in a geopolitical analyst’s blog post back in 2013 (although at that time the geopolitical analyst lived in Vancouver and not Calgary).

    “You mean to say,” George Finneganburg quickly downed his beer, “that Dracul Van Helsing came up with a cyborg sex robot before I did? How the Hell am I going to break the news to Akira?”.

    Once the robin crap had been washed out of Xi’s hair, he then met with Kazakh government officials.

    After his Astana visit, Xi would be flying to the Russian capital of Moscow for a Kremlin summit meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in order to discuss the war in Ukraine.

    As such, Xi had brought along his Supernatural spirit advisor the Black Dragon to Astana and the winged demon serpent covered in charcoal black would also be accompanying Xi to Moscow.

    There the Black Dragon would be meeting with Putin’s supernatural advisor “Saint Michael the Archangel” (who was not really Saint Michael the Archangel but was really the demon Moloch posing as the Archangel Michael in an effort to fool the megalomaniacal would-be Deutero-Czar Peter the Great aka Putin).

    Kwan Yin the immortal princess (venerated as the Goddess of Mercy in some sects of Buddhism) and her descendant the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan were keeping tags on Xi in Astana and would be following him to Moscow for his meeting with Putin.

    Xi was now attending a state banquet in his honour with Kazakh government leaders in Astana.

    Before Xi sat down at the banquet table, a small robotic Paddington Bear (called Paddy O’ Marmalade), who had been invented by Set Enterprises’ scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague, put a combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue down on Xi’s chair.

    When Xi sat down, he got hopelessly stuck and couldn’t get up again.

    As members of the Kazakh honour guard struggled to get Xi free from the chair that his pants were hopelessly glued to, the Paddington Bear robot named Paddy O’ Marmalade came and threw a Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg laced cream pie in his face.

    The cream pie had been specially prepared and baked by Harvey Tallbanger the 6 foot 8 tall invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit who worked as a secret agent for Set Enterprises.

    Between his butt stuck to the chair and his face covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie, Xi did not really look like a great leader.

    It was at that moment that the ghost of Winston Churchill (representing the British government) presented Xi with a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt.

    Of course Xi could not put it on because of his current predicament.

    Just then a holographic image of British MP Renfield R. Renfield appeared and started to sing to the tune of the Beatles song Hey Jude:

    “Hey Xi, don’t ask me why
    Take a sad song and make it badder
    Remember vaccines get under your skin
    Changing your DNA
    Until you become Transhuman, human, human, human, human,…”

    Renfield was broadcasting from the living room of the Set Estate mansion in London, England.

    In the background could be heard the sound of Amadeus Emanon opening the door to pick up the Chinese Food delivery they had ordered from a Chinese restaurant.

    “Hey Amadeus,” Renfield piped up, “Ask the delivery guy how do you say “Xi Jinping, you are a total loser” in Chinese?”.

    Amadeus asked.

    And the Chinese Food delivery guy answered adding and ad libbing a few nasty pejoratives of his own.

    Renfield spoke in perfect Mandarin (with some Cantonese thrown in for good measure) telling Xi that he was a total loser and throwing in the delivery guy’s added ad libbed nasty pejoratives of his own.

    Xi was livid with rage although you couldn’t tell because his face was covered in Peking Duck and Thousand Year Old Egg cream pie while his bottom was still being pulled away from the butt locking combination of honey, marmalade and Crazy Glue on his chair.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Wednesday September 14th

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    The Mexican Cantina

    December 28, 2021 at 11:05 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Short Story, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

    Rosa the singer inside the Mexican cantina

    The year was 1959.

    Richard M. Nixon was preparing to succeed Dwight Eisenhower as President the next year.

    John F. Kennedy was on the phone to Marilyn Monroe asking if she’d drop by his place on New Year’s Eve and personally sing Auld Lang Syne to him.

    Jackie Kennedy was shopping for rolling pins.

    And the Greek god Zeus was in the office of Los Angeles Private Eye Carson Cody Albion asking him to locate Ganymede the cup-bearer to the Olympian gods.

    Ganymede had apparently gone missing and was rumoured to be working inside a Mexican cantina.

    Zeus wanted Albion to find him and bring him back to Olympus.

    . . .

    “I’m tired of you Olympians always whining about your wine all the time,” was Ganymede’s good-bye note.

    Zeus wept.

    He enjoyed the immortal youth bringing him wine.

    And now he was gone.

    He went to his Rolodex and found the business card for Carson Cody Albion.

    He then summoned an eagle to fly him to Los Angeles.

    The eagle was happy.

    It was tired of eating liver all the time.

    The titan Prometheus was happy as well.

    . . .

    In the Mexican cantina called Pedro’s, Rosa was singing up a storm.

    When she had finished, she went and stood next to the piano.

    Behind her stood the Greek god Ganymede disguised as a statue.

    Carson Cody Albion had received a grape rather than an olive in his martini as he watched the show.

    The grape contained a fortune cookie saying sized message that read I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO OLYMPUS.

    It was signed Ganymede.

    Albion wrote Zeus a note saying that Ganymede had joined a militia of anti-Castro Cubans being put together by U.S. Vice-President Richard M. Nixon and couldn’t be located.

    Cody then went to Rosa’s dressing room and knocked on her door.

    Rosa opened the door.

    Albion entered.

    Rosa closed the door.

    In the dining area Ganymede sat wearing an I LIKE IKE button and dark sunglasses and got his palm read by a blind fortune teller.

    Mistaking Ganymede for Fidel Castro, the blind fortune teller told him that he’d one day have an idiot son who would become Prime Minister of Canada.

    And inside the dressing room, Rosa personally sang Auld Lang Syne to Carson Cody Albion.

    -A Carson Cody Albion
    Private Eye Short Story
    written by Christopher
    Tuesday December 28th

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    October 2019: Fauci Plots Release of Virus From China To Bring About A Universal mRNA Flu Vaccine

    October 9, 2021 at 11:00 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

    British MP Renfield R. Renfield was reading a report prepared by the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit.

    The Unit had discovered a video of a meeting that Dr. Anthony Fauci had had with HHS (the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) back in October 2019.

    Fauci and the HHS wanted to find a way to impose a universal flu vaccine on the citizens of the world.

    Fauci wanted a vaccine that wasn’t really a vaccine but rather an mRNA genetic serum.

    Trouble was it would probably take another 10 years before approval of mRNA testing on humans would be given.

    Fauci’s solution: “We blow the system up.”

    His suggestion was to disrupt the bureaucratic process and cut through all the red tape using an “entity of excitement” possibly the release of “an avian flu virus from China” that would allow them to bring in Emergency Use Authorization (EUA) of “a global RNA vaccine to be tested out on the public”.

    Of course as it turned out, it wasn’t an avian flu virus from China that would be released out upon the world.

    It was a bat Coronavirus virus for which Dr. Anthony Fauci had been financing Gain-of-Function research into at the Wuhan Institute of Virology.

    It was for this reason that for the past year and a half Renfield had been maintaining that Dr. Anthony Fauci should be tried with Crimes Against Humanity, found guilty and then be taken out and shot by firing squad.

    Renfield felt the same process should be proscribed for George Soros, Bill Gates, Klaus Schwab and Xi Jinping as well.

    . . .

    Zeus was having dinner with his brothers Hades (god of the Underworld) and Poseidon (god of the ocean).

    “Ny son Apollo is up to something,” Zeus said as he bit into a huge slice of roast beef.

    “Mermaids have been telling me that he’s worried about his son Aclepius,” Poseidon bit into a huge lobster that would have made Set Enterprises’ clairvoyant employee Michelangelo wince.

    “The fallen Archangel Mephistopheles (who belongs to a race of beings even older than us Olympians or our predecessors the Titans) recently demanded that I release Asclepius from the realm of the Underworld along with the ghost of the Renaissance alchemist Dr. Johann Georg Faust,” Hades bit into a huge dish of Bavarian magic mushrooms.

    “That’s interesting,” Zeus ordered a bottle of Corona beer.

    “It happened once before,” Hades pulled a mushroom out of his beard.

    “It did?” Zeus was quizzical.

    “Yes, back in the late 1930s Mephistopheles had requsted that I release Asclepius from the Underworld,” Hades ordered some more wine.

    “Faust was still alive in the 1930s, wasn’t he?” Poseidon asked.

    “Yes, Faust didn’t die until 2011 when Renfield R. Renfield who was then the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering For Set Enterprises at the time hired an Irish arsonist to burn him alive until he was dead,” Hades replied.

    . . .

    It was May 8th 1945 and the Greek goddess Hera (Queen of Olympus) was in a cheap Bed and Breakfast room in Cornwall with the ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

    Hera: So Germany has now surrendered?

    Set: Yes, but I hear the American OSS (Office of Strategic Services) is now working to bring the most brilliant Nazi psychiatrists and behavioural scientists to America.
    So I suspect a Fourth Reich will someday arise in America.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Saturday October 9th

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    Hera and The Gangsters

    March 1, 2021 at 11:39 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Ghost Story, Mythology, Plays, Romance, The Supernatural, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

    The Greek goddess Hera starring in a 1930s Broadway play about gangsters

    It was the decade of the 1930s.

    And the Greek goddess Hera was honing her theatrical skills by starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.

    It was dress rehearsal night – the evening before the official opening.

    Hera was awaiting the arrival of the gangster boss Big Frank Malone.

    A man came on stage wearing a fedora hat and gangster suit and carrying a big violin case.

    Hera, speaking out of character, said, “You don’t look like John Barrymore to me.”

    “I’m afraid John is a bit under the weather tonight,” the understudy replacement for John Barrymore replied.

    “How many bottles did he have to drink today?” Hera asked.

    “You know the real Barrymore obviously,” Dracul Van Helsing, who had time travelled from the future and was now playing the role of Big Frank Malone in this play about gangsters, replied.

    “That’s funny,” the ghost of Orson Welles, who had likewise time travelled from the future, remarked as he sat in the front row, “I don’t ever recall John Barrymore starring in a play about gangsters.”

    “He possibly drank before each performance and never made it to the stage,” Van Helsing noted.

    “By Jove, I think you’re right,” Welles agreed.

    “Please, don’t use one of my husband’s Roman names,” Hera stood up.

    “I forgot,” Welles bowed, “I do apologize.”

    Hera approached Van Helsing, “Well, Dracul, since you’ve come from the future to step in for the great John Barrymore, perhaps we can do an improvisational performance tonight.”

    “And what improvisational performance did you have in mind?” Van Helsing inquired.

    “How about making out here on the stage?” Hera smiled.

    And Hera and Van Helsing did just that.

    “Not again,” Welles’ ghost buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.

    As Hera and Van Helsing made out, soon thunder and lightning flashed around the stage.

    “And furthermore, I just would happen to be in the very theatre on the night the Greek god Zeus decided to attend a Broadway play,” Welles’ ghost sighed.

    The next day a hangover stricken John Barrymore was asked what happened to the theatre as it lay in ruins.

    “Well, I know people are once again going to say this was a hallucination brought on by too much drink on my part,” Barrymore commented, “but it was an angry and cuckholded Greek god Zeus who destroyed this theatre because his wife the Olympian queen Hera was making out with a mortal.”

    The members of the New York press laughed and shook their heads.

    And that was the reason history has no record of John Barrymore starring in a Broadway play about gangsters.

    The ghost of radio announcer Paul Harvey appeared in front of the lightning produced charred ashes of the theatre and gave his usual radio show sign-off, “And now you know the rest of the story.”

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Monday March 1st

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    Hera At Versailles

    January 26, 2021 at 11:58 pm (Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, magic, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

    The Greek goddess Hera at the Palace of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King

    “So,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, “I hear you’re able to travel back in time using the Pantages-Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern?”.

    “I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Van Helsing answered.

    In his aquarium in the background, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that read CONFIRMED.

    “So,” Marmalade read the sign, “When I fell into a time warp when I was Chief Scientist and Head Alchemist To The Court of Louis Quatorze and wound up here in the decade of the 2020s, I left an important alchemical formula on my desk in my laboratory at the Palace of Versailles. I was wondering if you could go back in time and get it for me?”.

    “Why can’t you go back in time and get it yourself?” Van Helsing inquired.

    “Because the Hindu god Shiva informed me while I was standing in line once at an Indian buffet restaurant in London last year that if I ever engaged in time travel again, I’d disintegrate into a pod of peas hanging from a lotus flower,” Dr. Marmalade Montague replied.

    “One wouldn’t want that unless one were a vegan vegetarian Transhumanist,” Van Helsing agreed.

    “I don’t know if it was because I helped myself to the last 2 dozen pieces of butter chicken from a buffet tray before the chef brought some more as I was standing in line in front of Shiva or if Shiva really meant it,” Marmalade reflected.

    “Well, as J. Robert Oppenheimer might say while putting on a trojan, it’s best to be on the safe side,” Van Helsing acknowledged.

    And so Van Helsing went back in time to the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis XIV the Sun King.

    He found the laboratory but as he entered the room a cat had knocked a piece of paper off the table which seemed to have elaborate drawings and formulae on it.

    The paper was then eaten by a poodle.

    “I hope that wasn’t the formula for turning lead into gold,” Van Helsing mused aloud.

    He then found his way to the main dining room of Versailles where he encountered the Greek goddess Hera.

    The Greek goddess Hera and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had made out on a couple of occasions.

    Unbeknownst to the Greek god Zeus of course.

    Otherwise Van Helsing might have disintegrated into ash as a result of having an Olympian thunder bolt thrown at him.

    “Dracul,” Hera smiled at him.

    “You must have time traveled from the 21st Century as well,” Van Helsing made a Holmes Sherlockian deduction, “because I never knew you during the Reign of the Sun King Louis Quatorze.”

    “I did,” Hera nodded, “I time traveled from January 2021.”

    “Same here,” Van Helsing stated.

    “Did you know that a year ago Zeus asked Hades to release the spirit of Alexander the Great from the Underworld?” Hera inquired.

    “It seems to me I heard something to that effect from the ghost of Orson Welles,” Van Helsing reflected.

    “And now this January he’s asked Hades to release the spirit of the Syrian Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (whose official title was King Antiochus IV ) from the Underworld,” Hera noted.

    “Maybe Zeus is planning a major Abomination of Desolation with Pope Francis and they want Antiochus Epiphanes’ input into the matter,” Van Helsing said as a group of waiters walked by carrying trays loaded with roast pork.

    “I’m so horny and frustrated by Zeus constantly ignoring me,” Hera sighed.

    “Maybe I could help you with that,” Van Helsing took off his formal dinner jacket.

    Soon Hera and Van Helsing were making out on top of the Royal Banquet table.

    “Ah, I see they’re still setting up in here,” Louis XIV remarked to one of his mistresses as he poked his head in through the dining hall door, “Perhaps you’d like to come to my bedroom and I’ll show you my ceiling etchings of Zeus and Leto.”

    At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles was bicyling backwards through time in the CERN Large Hadron Collidor Time Tunnel.

    As he bicycled backwards in time through the time tunnel, the voice of Engelbert Humperdinck could be heard singing Les Bicyclettes de Belsize.

    Welles’ ghost was eating a large spectral bagel as he cycled backwards through time.

    Welles hoped that no one would mistake him for Hunter Biden son of Joe Biden as he was returning from Mass in the Presidential motorcade when he ordered the motorcade stopped so he could buy a bagel as he had come down with the munchies after having smoked a pipe of crack cocaine in the confessional booth.

    Welles’ ghost arrived just in time to see Dracul and Hera making out on the Royal Banquet table.

    “Woe is me,” Welles remarked as he drove his bicyle through the dining room window and on to the Versailles palace grounds.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Tuesday January 26th

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    Pandora and The Cobblerish Coblynau

    January 18, 2021 at 11:58 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

    Pandora was an actress
    An immortal Greek actress
    Once pursued by Zeus
    She pretended to be impressed by Zeus’ charms
    In order that she could steal some ambrosia
    And make herself immortal in the process.

    But she never gave herself to Zeus
    In the way Zeus would have wanted
    Being the horny old philandering Olympian
    That he was.

    The result?
    Zeus besmirched her good name
    Telling the Greek poet Hesiod (750 to 650 BC)
    That Pandora by opening a jar
    Had loosed all manners of evil
    Upon the world
    Pandora’s jar would later become Pandora’s box
    In the western collective unconsciousness
    After the Renaissance writer Erasmus
    In a night of overindulgence in fine Italian wine
    Had mistranslated jar as box
    In his setting forth down of the tale
    The next morning
    When the sun rose
    And the cock outside his window
    Decided to sing all the Baroque musical hit songs
    of Christendom all in one setting

    Fortunately Erasmus never lived to see
    The writing of Eleanor Rigby
    Otherwise we might all think
    That Eleanor Rigby
    Kept her face
    In a box
    By the door

    Pandora had heard that Charles Laughton and Vincent Price
    Were making a movie down in Mexica
    So she had gone there
    In the Year of Our Lord 1949
    And on this night
    She stood alongside a piano
    In an elegant Mexican cantina

    Behind her was a statue of the Greek god Dionysus
    Carrying some exotic fruits on his head
    (Fruits that would later corrupt a promising young writer
    Truman Capote)
    The statue was in fact the real Greek god Dionysus
    Who had been turned to stone by a very realistic portrait
    painted of Medusa the Gorgon
    By the usually abstract surrealist painter Pablo Picasso

    On the other side of the piano
    Was a violinist who played the violin
    And dreamed of being Don Quixote
    Next to him was a bass player
    Who played the bass
    And dreamed of being an ice fisherman

    Playing the piano was a Charles Laughton lookalike
    Who played the piano
    And sang of how his wife had run off with his donkey
    Leaving him and the windmill to grind all that wheat
    By themselves

    Below Pandora on the steps where she stood
    Was a guitar player
    Who didn’t really play the guitar
    But only used the guitar
    To cover his erection
    Which he got
    By looking at Pandora
    All the while mumbling,
    “Oh my God! Oh my God!”.

    On a stool by himself
    Where a stool pigeon
    Had left his calling card
    And playing the flute
    Sat a Welsh Coblynau
    A gnome native to Wales
    His name was Egregious Engelbert

    Normally Coblynau hung out in Welsh coal mines
    But Engy (which was his nickname)
    Had developed an allergy to coal dust
    And so became a cobbler
    Making fine leather shoes

    The Cobblerish Coblynau they called him
    Making shoes by night
    And shoes by day
    Even giving shoes to those
    Who couldn’t afford to pay

    And so they were here
    This eclectic crowd
    When a man walked in
    A man named Rigby
    A man who had once gone up 39 Steps
    A man who had once stood on Waterloo Bridge
    A man of whom
    Could he be bribed?
    Could he bought?
    Was $10,000
    Worth 30 pieces of silver?

    No relation to Eleanor
    Nor had he ever visited Acquitaine
    Was now here in the room

    Waiting for the evening to begin
    And the fireworks to start
    Would the Price be right
    And just how prickly
    Was Carlotta’s Cactus Throne?

    -A poem and vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Monday January 18th

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    The Night One Eagle Split Into Two

    January 5, 2021 at 10:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

    The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith with an eagle on her shoulder

    The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith stood not far from the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC.

    Elon Musk’s artificial moon was shining down on top of her.

    It was supposed to be shining down on top of Edgar Allan Poe’s grave in Baltimore Maryland but the GPS computer network guiding Musk’s artificial moon had been hacked by a hermit gnome (frozen lawn ornament) living in Nome, Alaska.

    As such the Muskian artificial moon was now hovering over the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC.

    On a car radio, a very old song was being played,

    “We’re the John Birch Society, we’re out to save our country from the Communistic threat.
    And if your mommy (pronounced mom-mee) is a Commie,
    Well you’ve got to turn her in…”

    A group of lawn ornament garden gnomes in Washington DC eyed with suspicion a mask wearing Nancy Pelosi as she walked by.

    In the moonlight of Elon Musk’s artificial moon, with a tattoo of an eagle on her left shoulder and a living eagle perched atop her right shoulder, Lilith’s hair along with her headband, beads and headdress (that had once belonged to Chief Sitting Bull) glistened silvery in the moonlight.

    Sitting Bull’s revenge on the U.S. government for the massacre of his people that had occurred at the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota in December 1890 was about to unfold.

    Down in Tartarus in the Underworld, one General George Armstrong Custer had just escaped from his rotating barbeque spit over an open fire in the place and was hoping to pass Cerberus and his watchful eye (one on each of the three heads) and swim across the River Styx and back to the land of the living.

    But at that moment, Custer received a ghostly arrow through his ghostly knee.

    Custer now had a wounded knee.

    “Fly,” Lilith spoke to the eagle.

    The eagle flew off her shoulder and over the Lincoln Memorial.

    The eagle was suddenly set upon by a flying red dragon, a flying bear, a flying lion, a flying cat and a winged horse named Chollima.

    The eagle was ripped in two.

    Facing one another across the Potomac River were two opposing supernatural forces.

    On one side of the Potomac River were the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, General Ulysses S. Grant and General Robert E. Lee (now all allies).

    On the other side of the Potomac River were the ghosts of Vladimir Lenin, Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky). They too were now all allies.

    Walking on the water of the Potomac River was the Greek god Zeus who cried in a loud voice, “Release the Kraken!”.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Tuesday January 5th

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