Asmodeus’ Advice To Loki

November 16, 2018 at 11:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Norse trickster god Loki had been told by Ares the Greek god of war that Zeus was now expecting a night of lovemaking with Ariana Grande as part of a deal for releasing the Kraken.

Loki went about making arrangements for this and discovered to his horror that Ariana Grande was being protected by Saint Raphael the Archangel.

The demon Asmodeus had told Loki over cigarettes and Irish Coffee that Raphael was one tough cookie.

That centuries ago, after Asmodeus had been causing problems for a young Hebrew maiden named Sarah, Raphael had captured Asmodeus in Upper Egypt and bound him.

It was an experience that Asmodeus wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy the cigarette smoking demon said as an exorcist walked through the door.

Asmodeus picked up his hat and coat, thanked Loki for a lovely evening and left sticking the Norse trickster god with paying the bill.

Loki decided he better not risk taking the horny Greek Olympian god Zeus to Ariana’s place if Raphael was around.

Instead Loki contacted Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal (who was a friend of the bar tab evading Asmodeus) and asked what he should do.

Allatallahbel suggested getting Zeus drunk on shots of tequila and then bring him around to her apartment in the Vatican to make out with her Allatallahbel.

She’d tell him that she was Ariana Grande.

So one fine November night, Loki got Zeus loaded on shots of tequila in a Rome taverna.

With Zeus three sheets to the wind and a huge windstorm pounding the Eternal City, Loki led the Olympian to Allatallahbel’s apartment in the Vatican.

Zeus entered her bedroom and noticed Allatallahbel lying face down one sheet to the wind as the window was open.

“My what lovely tattos you have, my dear,” Zeus drooled like Cerberus after a night on the town.

“The better to impress Bill Clinton and Jessie Jackson with, my dear,” Allatallahbel replied.

Soon Zeus and Allatallahbel were making out.

Pope Francis walked into the room.

“Jesus Christ!” said the pontiff.

“Not quite,” Zeus replied, “The name is Zeus. Jupiter Zeus.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 16th
2018.

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“Release The Kraken!” – Zeus’ Final Command

November 13, 2018 at 11:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

As Ares the Greek god of war, Thor the Norse god of thunder and Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war sat around drinking Quetzalcoatl tequila shots (with giant worms in them) and wondering how to start the next global world war, the Norse trickster god Loki came along selling NRA memberships, Donald Trump Is The New Messiah t-shirts and also Nancy Pelosi For Speaker of The House buttons (as a trickster, he had all bases covered).

As soon as he found out the causes of their glumness and their sobriety challenged condition, he suggested they get Zeus to “Release the Kraken!”.

That should start a world war.

“How can we get Zeus to release the Kraken?” Morrigan giggled as she fantasized about making out with James Spader as Raymond Red Reddington and making out with him on a king sized waterbed under a painted ceiling mural of the sinking of the Titanic.

“I happen to know the horny Olympian who likes to carry lightning bolts in his pockets wants to make out with singer Ariana Grande,” Loki had hacked into Zeus’ internet search images on his Mount Olympus iCloud, “so promise him a fling with Ariana Grande if he releases the Kraken.”


One of the many images of singer Ariana Grande that the Greek Olympian god Zeus has on his Mount Olympus iCloud.

The trio thought this was a good idea.

Ares went to see Zeus with the proposal.

Zeus (making sure he was out of earshot of Hera) agreed.

He sent Hermes and Dionysus to go release the Kraken.

Zeus’ kraken named Scion of Apollyon was being kept at a secure aquarium facility (designed and engineered by Dr. Cadbury Rocher) at the Set Enterprises laboratories at Canary Wharf on the Thames River in London.

Hermes in a Haida canoe and Dionysus in an Inuit kayak went rowing down the Thames River singing, “Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily mare, life is but a dream…”

Both had spent the previous evening heavily imbibing Dionysus’ homemade bootleg fermented nectar.

As they reached Canary Wharf, Hermes got easily out of his canoe and stepped on to the pier.

Dionysus, who was not only short and bald and heavily bearded but also extremely pudgy and overweight (rumour had it that he was the biological father of numerous Calgary white women after he had evening serenaded drunken walruses along the Bow and Elbow Rivers), had a great deal more difficulty trying to maneuver his way out of the closed compartment cover of his kayak.

In fact the short, bald, heavily bearded, pudgy and overweight deity became hopelessly stuck.

As he blew his antique 19th Century Sherlock Holmes and Inspector Lestrade personally autographed Police Call Help whistle to summon lovely water nymphs from the Thames River to come rescue him, the ghost of Friedrich Nietzsche (whom Hades had recently granted a dispensational furlough to) stood on the pier and repeated the last words he had spoken on his deathbed, “It’s Dionysus vs. Christ. Don’t you understand?”.

As the Thames River lovely water nymphs used chainsaws to cut the kayak open to get the vastly overweight Dionysus out, the ghost of Wild West sheriff Wild Bill Hickok who had been an avid gambler and poker player in his earthly life (and had also been granted a dispensational furlough by Hades to briefly leave the Underworld realm), remarked to Nietzsche, “I think I’d put my money on Christ.”

“Did anyone ever tell you you’re so much better looking than the fat cow walruses along the Bow River in Calgary?” Dionysus told the lovely Thames River water nymphs as they carried him on to the pier.

Julius the genetically created hybrid T-Rex giraffe with the body and neck of a giraffe and the head of a T-Rex who served as the Set Enterprises guard watch dog had once again got his head stuck in the window trying to peer into Sherrielock Holmes’ Set Enterprises office to stare at her leather micro mini skirted and black silk fishnet pantyhose clad legs and so was unable to stop the two intruder Greek deities.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was about to raise the alarm in his own glass aquarium about two intruding Greek deities in the building when peering through the enormous hole in the adjacent wall caused by Julius the hybrid T-Rex giraffe trying to get his head out of his predicament, the lobster happened to catch a glimpse of Sherrielock Holmes in her mini skirt and pantyhose.

Michelangelo’s lobster tank exploded and both water and lobster wound up on the lab floor.

As both Set Enterprises’ maintenance and security arrived on the scene for a mop up operation, the two Greek deities went to the lab where Zeus’ kraken Scion of Apollyon was located.

They released the Kraken as Zeus’ voice thundered through on Hermes’ Huawei smart phone, “Release the Kraken!”.

The Kraken escaped and promptly divided into 2 krakens.

One headed in the direction of Baltimore, Maryland where the U.S. Catholic Bishops were holding a conference.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops had just caved in to Pope Francis’ Josef Stalinesque directive that the topic of priestly and clerical sex abuse must not be on the agenda at their meeting.

The other kraken headed in the direction of the Gaza Strip on the eastern Mediterranean as the possibility of war between Israel and Hamas loomed.

Donald Trump in the meantime had just issued a Twitter tweet that the world was a “lot safer and more secure” with him as President of the United States.

A sure sign that doom was on its way.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 13th
2018.

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Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

April 11, 2018 at 10:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding the bus when suddenly an extremely ugly looking woman boarded the bus holding hands with a 3-year-old girl.

Exclaimed Pan Goatee, “That ugly looking woman is the one who’s kidnapped the Lindbergh baby 🍼.”

Pan Goatee grabbed his astral laser machete and cut the ugly woman’s head off.

“You’re mistaken,” said a retired college professor of American history who was riding the bus but was grateful that the satyr had decapitated the ugly looking female, “the Lindbergh baby was a boy and if he were still alive today, he’d be 87 years old not 3.”

“Wow, I guess you can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia,” Pan Goatee remarked as he booted the ugly looking head out the door and down the street.

. . .

Pope Francis was having a dream.

He was dreaming that he was in Hell.

“How can this be?” The pontiff shouted, “I said Hell doesn’t exist in a newspaper interview I gave recently.”

The fallen angel Mephistopheles walked by reading a book called Fake Papal Pronouncements With Foreword by Donald Trump.

Pope Francis suddenly saw a scene from Alice In Wonderland.

A Hellish looking Alice In Wonderland tea party modelled on Leonardo Da Vinci’s painting of The Last Supper.

This was what Francis saw:

https://pin.it/qhirdsp2qz2wdl

“We may have to change our format for the Eucharistic Communion Service,” Francis thought aloud in his dream, “although I’ve long been of the opinion that the Liturgy of the Mass needed revolutionary change and a massive paradigm shift.”

The Mad Hatter who had the face of Walter Cardinal Kasper applauded vigorously.

The Queen of Hearts who had the face of Raymond Cardinal Burke pointed at Francis and said “Off with his head.”

. . .

Donald Trump looked out the Oval Office of the White House and asked the question, “What’s the best way to punish Bashar al-Assad for using chemical weapons against his own people?”.

A vision of Zeus holding a thunderbolt appeared in the clouds above the White House saying, “Release the Kraken.”

Trump was immediately on the phone to U.S. Secretary of Defence Jim Mattis, “Jim, do you know where I can get a Kraken?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 11th
2018.

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Apollo and Belvedere In PyeongChang

February 11, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Apollo and Belvedere In PyeongChang

The Greek god Apollo was attending the 2018 Winter Olympics in PyeongChang.

He was hoping to help bring peace to this troubled part of the world.

Ever since he was brought back from the dead last year, he felt that it was his mission to bring peace to this long-suffering world.

Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander who was a reporter for the Times of London had discovered that Apollo was staying at a hotel in PyeongChang and decided to get an exclusive interview with the Greek deity.

A few weeks before in London when his editors found out that Belvedere knew nothing whatsoever about sports, they immediately assigned him to cover the PyeongChang Winter Olympics.

In Apollo’s room, Belvedere introduced himself.

Apollo agreed to the interview as the Olympian deity thought it might be kind of cool 😎 to be interviewed by the ghost of a ghost white salamander.

Of course Belvedere had not always been like that.

He had once been human having worked as a bartender on Wild West dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes’ Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the Wild West town of Hayden Colorado back in the 1880s.

He had been turned into a ghost white salamander by a time traveling enchantress.

And shortly afterwards, he was run over and killed by a caravan covered wagon heading west whereupon he became the ghost of a ghost white salamander.

Apollo gave Belvedere some of his own background – the background not covered in most classical mythology textbooks.

When the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was destroyed by the Emperor Theodosius the Great in 390 AD, Apollo became severely depressed.

So depressed in fact that he started having suicidal thoughts and of course being an immortal, it was rather difficult to commit suicide.

He happened to run into the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and Apollo told her of his misery.

Lilith happened to have in her possession some poisoned Babylonian grapes 🍇 that were capable of killing an immortal so she gave Apollo some and he promptly died in the year 390 AD.

Apollo was buried on Mount Parnassus after his death and his tomb became lost to both god and man after a small quake shook Mount Parnassus.

Then in the year 2012 AD on the night of the summer solstice that year just after sundown, Apollo’s tomb on Mount Parnassus was discovered by the French archaeologist vampire Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle (whose archaeological expeditions were sponsored by the Egyptian vampiress Isis).

Apollo’s father Zeus thereupon came out of the shadows where he had been since his son’s death and tried to find somebody who could bring Apollo back from the dead.

Then in December 2016 Zeus met Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher and asked him if he could find an antidote to the poisonous Babylonian grapes 🍇 of Lilith and bring his son Apollo back from the dead.

In early January 2017, Dr. Rocher succeeded in bringing Apollo back from the dead.

Returned to life, Apollo thought it should be his mission to bring peace to the world- something difficult to do in a world where the likes of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un were in power.

Making it even more difficult, Apollo’s brother Ares (the Greek god of war) was hopping back and forth between different spots on the planet sowing conflict and wars.

And Ares was doing it in earnest, very ticked off at the fact that his role in starting and trying to continue the First World War had been exposed in a movie 🎥 that came out last year- Wonder Woman with Gal Gadot.

Then in a further troubling development, Apollo’s brother Hephaestus (the Greek god of metalworking and the forge) had started building ballistic missiles for Kim Jong-un last year making for successful ballistic missile tests that ticked off Donald Trump and caused the latter to tweet even more than he did.

“So given this environment,” Belvedere scribbled with his ghostly pen in his ghostly notebook 📓, “how do you intend to bring peace to this region?”.

“Well,” Apollo poured some Red Bull energy drink into his glass of ambrosia, “I’ve met with Kwan Yin who is an immortal princess worshipped as the Buddhist Goddess of Mercy and compassion here in Asia and discussed my plans with her. In fact, Kwan Yin met with Kim Yo-jong the sister of Kim Jong-un in this very hotel last night.”

“I heard about that,” Belvedere chewed on his ghostly pen with his ghostly white salamander mouth, “Speaking of which, do you know anything about an attack that occurred in this hotel last night in which a satyr was bitten by a blue-eyed white wolf?”.

“No, I hadn’t heard about that,” Apollo sipped his ambrosia-Red Bull hybrid drink, “I didn’t know there were any satyrs left in the world since the death of Pan 2000 years ago.”

“I wonder if Dr. Cadbury Rocher has revived any,” Belvedere spilled ghostly blue ink all over his ghostly white suit.

At that moment, Apollo’s sister Artemis Diana entered the hotel room wearing a metallic short skirt and looking like Gal Gadot’s twin sister.

“Apollo dear,” Artemis spoke, “it’s Ares. He’s trying full blast to start a war between the Israelis and the Syrians.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 11th
2018.

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Pan Goatee Celebrates International Women’s Day

March 8, 2017 at 7:27 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (who escaped from a Set Enterprises truck in northern England back in 2013) was celebrating International Women’s Day by cutting off the heads of ugly looking women as he rode the New York City subway.

“Get out of the way, you ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee quickly used his astral laser machete to cut off the creature’s head as she got in his way.

“Hey, mac, that’s sexist,” some guy shouted at Pan Goatee, “don’t you know it’s International Women’s Day?”.

“Go join them then,” Pan Goatee cut off the man’s testicles with his astral laser machete.

He exited the train and continued to lop off the head of any ugly looking woman who got in his way.

“Who’s that?” the Greek god Zeus asked his daughter Artemis (who had been known as Diana among the Ancient Romans).

“He kind of looks like Pan the god of the wild who sadly died under mysterious circumstances a couple of millenia ago,” Artemis answered.

“He does,” Zeus agreed.

“Who is this guy?” U.S. President Donald Trump asked one of his aides as he watched the beheading video on Instagram.

“He works for us, Mr. President,” his aide replied, “He’s a contract assassin for our government. He does serial killing of ugly women in his spare time as a hobby.”

“That’s good to hear,” President Trump applied some Brylcreem to his hair, “that’s very good to hear.”

“Who does he work for?” Russian President Vladimir Putin asked one of his aides as he viewed the beheading on YouTube.

“Sadly, not for us,” his aide replied.

“How do we get him to work for us?” Putin asked.

“We could tell him how Russia is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly stoats and gargoyles who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied, “so he could spend more time screwing our women instead of beheading North American women. Make love not war as the anti-Vietnam War protesters of the 1960s used to say.”

“I like that idea,” Vladimir took his shirt off and started lifting some weights in his office.

“Who does he work for?” North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un asked one of his aides as he handed him a facecloth which the aide declined for some reason.

“Sadly for the imperialist American running dogs,” his aide replied.

“How do we get him to work for us?” Kim Jong-un text messaged his friend Dennis Rodman.

“We could tell him how North Korea is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly camels and cows who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied.

“An excellent idea,” Kim Jong-un clicked the Like button on the Facebook page set up for the assassination of his half-brother Kim Jong-nam.

“Great Zeus, Hecate has been beheaded,” Apollo shouted from Times Square as the Greek goddess of witchcraft in crone form had attracted the wrath of Pan Goatee.

“What manner of half-man half-goat is this that even deity dies at his hands?” Zeus asked as he stood in front of the Coca-Cola neon sign.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 8th
2017.

null

Artemis the Goddess of the Hunt, unlike Hecate the goddess of witchcraft, was spared the wrath of Pan Goatee.

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The Death and Return of Apollo

January 6, 2017 at 5:33 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

In the year 390 AD, the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was destroyed under the Emperor Theodosius the Great who made Nicene Christianity the official state Church of the Roman Empire.

“I’m so depressed,” the Greek god Apollo had wept to the Ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

Lilith could see that Apollo had a broken heart so she gave him some poisoned Babylonian grapes that were capable of killing an Olympian immortal like Apollo.

Following the death of Apollo in 390 AD, the ancient Greco-Roman religion (itself in decline for several decades now since the Emperor Constantine’s victory at the Battle of the Milvian Bridge in 312 AD) rapidly died out so that there were very worshipers of the old Greco-Roman gods left by the time Theodosius himself died in 395 AD.

Zeus and the other Olympians went into the shadows and no more publicly acted in the domain of mortal men and women.

Apollo was buried on Mount Parnassus after his death but his tomb became lost to both god and man after a small quake shook Mount Parnassus.

Then in the year 2012 AD on the night of the summer solstice that year, Apollo’s tomb on Mount Parnassus was discovered by the French archaeologist vampire Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle (whose expeditions were sponsored by the Egyptian vampiress Isis) after sundown.

Apollo’s body was then flown to a medical lab in Berlin since German doctors in their pompous arrogance thought they could bring Apollo back from the dead.

They were mistaken and the medical team drowned their sorrows in gallons of sauerkraut and Bavarian beer.

Even famed South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo (famous for bringing people and animals back from the dead as zombies) could not raise Apollo.

Said Makabo, “Those poisonous ancient Babylonian grapes were quite effective in killing immortals dead… permanently.”

Dr. Sterling Makabo’s statement, even though it sounded like an ad for a TV commercial, turned out to be quite true.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who was contacted on her smart phone (while shopping for high-heels and dresses in a leading Parisienne fashion house) said as far as she knew (and she had been alive for some 6000 years now even though she didn’t look a day over 30), there was no antidote to the poisonous ancient Babylonian grapes.

So in 2012, Apollo’s father Zeus grieved.

It looked like nothing could bring his son Apollo back from the dead (so only Hades alone would be able to enjoy the playing of Apollo upon his lyre).

. . .

Top 1000 National Enquirer Stories of 2016-

Top National Enquirer story #666 : Set Enterprises’ Resident Mad Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher Brings Mossad Agent The Controller of the Golem Back From The Dead After Ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith Had Poisoned Controller’s Scotch Whiskey With Polonium-210

. . .

Christmas Day 2016- The ancient Greek god Zeus paid a visit to Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to see if he could develop an antidote to the ancient Babylonian poisonous grapes that had killed Apollo.

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith (wearing a lovely red evening dress) accompanied Zeus and presented Dr. Rocher with a sample of the ancient poisoned Babylonian grapes that she had fed Apollo many centuries ago to permanently end his heartbreak.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Dr. Rocher promised.

. . .

January 5th 2017 (Eve of the Epiphany on the Catholic Church calendar)-

Dr. Cadbury Rocher put the possible antidote (which he had created in the form of red wine) into a golden chalice and handed it to the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith (who was now dressed in an even more resplendent red evening dress).

Lilith took the chalice and opened the Greek god Apollo’s lips and poured the red wine antidote (to the poisonous ancient Babylonian grapes) down his throat.

Apollo sputtered and choked and opened his eyes and said, “God, that’s good stuff.”

“He’s alive,” his father Zeus shouted with joy.

. . .

January 6th 2017- It was Sherlock Holmes’ 163rd birthday and Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s beautiful and incredibly sexy great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (who was Sherlock Holmes’ lesser-known twin sister) was dressed in an equally resplendent tight-fitting red leather mini dress and awaiting a European political leader.

Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras entered her quarters.

“Alexis,” she smiled at him and addressed him as if he were a naughty schoolboy and she his so-sexy and so strict school teacher, “I have a surprise for you. Well, two surprises actually.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 6th
2017.

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Pan Goatee Meets Zeus

March 7, 2016 at 8:44 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Meets Zeus

Pan Goatee was walking down the street enjoying a spring like day when suddenly a facially aesthetically challenged woman breezed by him.

“Ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee said to himself, “The 24-hour laundromat will still be open when this loser with no social life gets there.”

Pan Goatee removed his machete from his belt and hoofing along on his hooved feet he quickly caught up with the ugly looking creature and beheaded her.

A gentleman with silver curly hair and silver beard applauded him.

“Thanks for the standing ovation,” Pan Goatee bowed, “and may I add, you look very familiar?”.

“You’ve probably seen my picture in the encyclopedia and on TV shows on those rare nights when they actually show interesting programs on The History Channel,” the bearded man replied, “I’m the Greek god Zeus also known as Jove to some and also known as Jupiter to the Romans.”

“That’s where I’ve seen you,” Pan grinned.

“And you look like the god Pan the god of the fields, groves and wooded glens whose death is recorded in Plutarch,” Zeus answered.

“How did he die?” Pan Goatee asked.

“It was drinking some wine that killed him,” Zeus noted sadly.

“It must have been bad wine,” Pan Goatee decided not to enter the wine store he had been headed to.

“Surprisingly it was good wine,” Zeus replied, “the best wine he had tasted in his life were the last words he spoke before croaking.”

“Interesting,” Pan Goatee was enjoying the first handed historical account.

“It happened at a wedding in Cana of Galilee back in the reign of the Emperor Tiberius,” Zeus recalled.

“I must make a note not to attend any weddings,” Pan Goatee made a notation in his iPhone reminders.

“I really appreciate the way you’ve been killing off ugly women,” Zeus complimented the satyr, “these days it’s so hard for me to find a beautiful mortal woman to sleep with and beget some more demi-gods. For supposed progress in evolution like the Darwinists and Marxists assure us is happening, humanity has certainly gone down hill in terms of feminine beauty particularly in English-speaking North America where the application of sharia law and women wearing veils should really be applied.”

“And to think that idiot Donald Trump wants to deport the Mexicans,” Pan said in disgust.

“What fools these mortals be,” Zeus invited him to come with him to visit his son Dionysus’ bar where wine non-lethal to satyrs was being served.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 7th
2016.

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Cardinal JM and His Sacrifice To Zeus/Jupiter

April 27, 2014 at 7:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Cardinal JM and His Sacrifice To Zeus/Jupiter

Cardinal JM had sent a message to His Holiness Pope Francis that he was hopelessly sick and that he could not possibly make it to the canonization ceremonies of Popes John Paul II and John XXIII.

The real reason was that he had a visitation last night from the god he worshipped in private- the Ancient Greek vampire Zeus.

Zeus had told him that a friend of his had tried to do something very important for world affairs.

But that the prayers of one John Paul II within the Communion of Saints had restrained his friend’s hand.

And his friend did not like his hand being restrained.

To counteract the effects of John Paul II’s prayers, Zeus had asked that a live sacrifice be performed to him Zeus in his form of the ancient Roman god Jupiter at the ruins of the Temple of Jupiter Optimus Maximus behind the Palazzo dei Conservatori in the Caffarelli Garden on the Capitoline Hill.

So Cardinal JM summoned his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe (a former Episcopalian priest who was a worshipper of the Ancient Greek god Apollo in his private life) and explained to him the situation.

Father Wardenclyffe went out to where the Polish pilgrims were camping out in Saint Peter’s Square waiting for the canonization of their beloved native son Karol Josef Wojtyla aka Pope John Paul II.

He kidnapped the 3-month old infant son of a young Polish couple.

Father Wardenclyffe brought the child to Cardinal JM.

Together they went out to the ruins of the Temple of Jupiter Optimus Maximus on Capitoline Hill where at the exact moment that Pope Francis proclaimed John Paul II a Saint, they sacrificed the infant Polish boy to Zeus/Jupiter.

. . .

At the ruins of the reconstructed Temple of Trajan in Pergamon Turkey, Imam Mehmet Moustapha (who only paid devotion to Allah with his lips but in his heart worshipped the ancient Norse-Germanic gods Odin, Tyr and Thor) sacrificed a pig to Zeus at the exact moment Pope Francis proclaimed John Paul II a Saint.

. . .

At the Pergamon Altar inside the Pergamon Museum on the Museum Island in the German capital of Berlin, a neo-Nazi and worshipper of Odin, Tyr and Thor cut off the right hand of a young Polish boy that he had kidnapped and laid it at the altar to Zeus.

He did this at the exact moment that Pope Francis proclaimed Pope John Paul II a Saint.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday April 27th
2014.

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Cardinal JM and The Heart of Atum-Ra

March 7, 2014 at 11:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Cardinal JM and The Heart of Atum-Ra

Cardinal JM although a member of the College of Cardinals and the Vatican Curia was a worshipper of the ancient pagan gods.

Last night one of the two ancient deities that he devotedly worshipped Zeus ( the other deity was Apollo) appeared to him at his bedside and told him, “My most devoted servant I want you to consecrate Italy to the sacred heart of my good friend Atum-Ra tomorrow at noon.”

So Cardinal JM got up the next morning and awakened his secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe.

Although Father Wardenclyffe was already awake. He was busy sodomizing a young man he kept in his Vatican office that he called Hyacinth.

When Father Wardenclyffe heard Cardinal JM’s instructions, they went to Cardinal JM’s personal private chapel together.

Inside Cardinal JM’s private chapel there was ne’er a Cross nor Crucifix to be found.

So demons and most vampires and American megachurch Pastor Rick Warren would have felt right at home there.

Father Wardenclyffe put on top of the altar an ancient Egyptian statue of the god Atum-Ra.

Cardinal JM then went up to the altar and spoke in Latin (since his ancient Egyptian was a little rusty although much better than that of Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith) the words of consecration consecrating Italy to the sacred heart of Atum-Ra.

Father Wardenclyffe then put on top of the altar a globe of the world below the statue of Atum-Ra.

He had pencilled in a huge X on top of the Italian peninsula.

Then he had pencilled in a huge arrow on the Adriatic Sea pointing to the left and had pencilled above it the words X Marks The Spot so as to be sure that the god Atum-Ra wouldn’t miss it.

Some 666 seconds after the words of consecration were spoken, a huge giant beating heart appeared above the altar- the Heart of Atum-Ra.

Above the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica the cry of a cock crowing twice could be heard.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 7th
2014.

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Renfield’s Lottery Ticket

September 13, 2013 at 9:29 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Lottery Ticket

 

 

 

The Greek vampire Zeus had a problem on his hands.

 

 

Ever since Cerberus had abandoned his guard post on the River Styx, hundreds of thousands of ghosts had fled the Underworld of Hades and were now causing havoc on the Earth above.

 

 

Zeus had even received a nasty email from the President of the World Atheist Association threatening legal action and complaining that many of his members were undergoing post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of having to re-evaluate their belief in the non-existence of the afterlife.

 

 

The trouble had been caused millennia ago by a boast that his brother Hades had made to his brother Poseidon.

 

 

The pair had been discussing mortal lotteries and Hades had boasted that there was one series of numbers  that no mortal would ever pick.

 

 

Poseidon had disagreed.

 

 

And Hades said if any mortal picked them, then quote, “May my loyal faithful  Cerberus abandon his post on the River Styx and the souls of the departed depart the Underworld.”

 

 

No mortal had picked them until the shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield had done so.

 

 

The numbers entered his mind shortly after he had gunned down a pompous arrogant American millionaire as the latter was entering a Rolls-Royce limousine outside a London restaurant.

 

The only way the decree of Hades could be reversed was if the said mortal would reverse the numerals of each two digit number he used in his lottery pick and play those numbers.

 

 

 

However the said Renfield kept winning £300 a week by playing those numbers and was unlikely to stop playing those numbers while he was on a roll (like so much golden butter).

 

 

 

 

And so the Greek vampire Zeus spent the past while pulling his hair and beard out while he tried to think up a solution.

 

 

Not relishing a future as a bald and beardless vampiric immortal (fearing this might put an end to his ability to attract mortal women and end his Bill Clintonesque and Jack Kennedyesque style dalliances with them),  he turned to his daughter the Greek vampiress Athena for advice as she always seemed to be full of wisdom.

 

 

 

 

Athena suggested that Zeus send Aphrodite to work her charms on Renfield for as Athena pointed out quoting Vincent Price,  “For no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller.”

 

 

The Thriller was the nickname given to Aphrodite among the gods of Olympus.

 

 

 

The “evil of the Thriller” was the euphemism given to Aphrodite’s sensual charms among the goddesses of Olympus.

 

 

 

 

 

  * * *

 

 

 

 

And it came to pass that Aphrodite went unto Renfield R. Renfield to convince him to reverse the digits of some of his numerals on his winning lottery ticket that he had been using the past month.

 

 

And what transpired when the sensual vampiress Aphrodite came unto Renfield as the Boney M. lyrics Nightflight To Venus played in the background?

 

 

 

Well to sum it up in one sentence as Great Caesar’s ghost put it when he saw it,  “She came, he saw, he came, she conquered.”

 

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Friday September 13th 2013

 

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