Sherrielock Holmes Tomatoes Jacob Zuma’s Buttocks

February 15, 2018 at 11:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Tomatoes Jacob Zuma’s Buttocks

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a comfortable armchair in the living room of the colossal West London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

He was holding a glass 🥃 of Southern Comfort in one hand and a Pina Colada in the other.

He was celebrating a killing he had made on the London Stock Exchange today.

On Monday he had bought shares in the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company for £5 a share and today he had sold them for £25 a share.

Renfield was awaiting the arrival of Miss Sherrielock Holmes the woman to whom he owed his financial windfall.

Although Sherrielock Holmes was the new Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises (a position Renfield once had held prior to his election to Parliament), she was also a professional dominatrix.

In fact, she was the City of London’s most famous professional dominatrix and a globetrotting dominatrix at that.

Back in November of last year, she had been hired by 🇿🇼 Zimbabwe’s ruling political party to tomato the buttocks of Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe to get him to voluntarily resign the Presidency- a feat she was able to accomplish much to Mr. Mugabe’s discomfort and dismay.

Now in February of this year, South African President Jacob Zuma was likewise ignoring the advice of South Africa’s ruling ANC African National Congress Party and refusing to resign the Presidency to pave the way for the new ANC party leader Cyril Ramaphosa to become President.

On the recommendation of the Zimbabwean government therefore, the ANC had hired dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to come to South Africa 🇿🇦 and persuade Mr. Zuma to voluntarily resign using the persuasive methods for which she was famous.

Sherrielock had flown to South Africa 🇿🇦 this past Monday night.

On Tuesday (informed of Sherrielock’s arrival), Jacob Zuma had hid himself in one of the many rooms of the Presidential House in Pretoria, South Africa.

However one of Jacob Zuma’s distant cousins Monty Zuma (Monty’s parents had both been big fans of The Monty Python TV Show and so named their first son after the show) worked as a valet in the mansion and happened to know where the then President was hiding.

Monty had recently found out that Jacob had disinherited him from his will and so in an act that future historians will probably dub Monty Zuma’s Revenge, Monty had led Sherrielock to the room where the then South African President was hiding.

After six hours of solid buttocks tomatoing with whips and cats o’ nine tails this past Tuesday night in an act that future historians will probably call the Saint Valentine’s Eve mASSacre, South African President Jacob Zuma finally broke down and announced that he was voluntarily resigning the Presidency.

Standing in front of television cameras 🎥 the next day Wednesday February 14th, Mr. Zuma announced that decision to the South African nation.

Afterwards (on the recommendation of former Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe), Jacob Zuma promptly ordered 1001 comfortable cushions made by the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company in London England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 to be immediately delivered to the now former President’s private home.

Meanwhile in his comfortable armchair in London, England, Sir Renfield R. Renfield sipped both his Southern Comfort and Pina Colada
and awaited the leather mini skirted Sherrielock Holmes to walk through the front door.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 15th
2018.

Permalink 19 Comments

A Resignation From and Cushions For Mugabe

November 21, 2017 at 4:07 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

A Resignation From and Cushions For Mugabe

In the Zimbabwean capital of Harare, the speaker of Zimbabwe’s parliament read out a letter from Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe in which he had announced that he had voluntarily resigned in order to allow for a smooth transfer of power.

Would the transfer be as smooth as a baby’s bottom?

Probably.

It certainly wouldn’t be so smooth for Robert Mugabe’s bottom after he got his buns tomatoed by world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes in order to get him to resign.

Meanwhile in London England, the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company had just received an emergency order for a 1001 cushions to be immediately delivered to Robert Mugabe’s home in Harare Zimbabwe.

And back at the ranch… well actually the Westminster office of the British House of Commons Ethics Commissioner, the Commissioner had just received word that Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Transhumanist Party MP Renfield R. Renfield had just made a killing on the London Stock Exchange in the last 24 hours.

Yesterday Mr. Renfield had bought a substantial portion of shares in the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company when they were selling for £1 a share and had sold them today at £5 a share with the announcement that the company had just made a major sale of cushions to Zimbabwe 🇿🇼.

The Ethics Commissioner had been informed that Mr. Renfield might have benefitted from insider trading since Mr. Renfield (the former Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises) lived in the same colossal West London mansion as world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (the current Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises).

Vowed the Ethics Commissioner, “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”

Meanwhile in Harare Zimbabwe, Mr. Mugabe was in no condition to get to the bottom of anything.

Instead he hugged his Mr. Bean style teddy bear and awaited the delivery of a 1001 comfortable cushions from Atkinson in London.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 22nd
2017.

Permalink 6 Comments

Sherrielock Holmes En Route To Zimbabwe

November 19, 2017 at 7:01 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Sherrielock Holmes En Route To Zimbabwe 🇿🇼

The (quite literally) immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes had her bags 💼 packed and was on her way to the airport to fly to Zimbabwe 🇿🇼.

“What will you be doing in Zimbabwe?” Amadeus Emanon asked as he munched on his fish and chips.

“I’ve been hired by the Zimbabwean Army and the Zanu-PF Party to tomato 🍅 Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe’s buttocks and force him to resign,” Sherrielock explained, “because Mugabe won’t go gently into that good night. So he’ll have to go screaming to the sounds of whips tomatoing his buns.”

“Have you ever been called upon to force a world leader to quit before?” Amadeus squeezed a lemon on to his fish.

“Yes, back in 1918, I was called upon to force Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm II to abdicate,” Sherrielock recalled, “and then in 1974, I was called upon to tomato 🍅 Richard M. Nixon’s buttocks and get him to resign the U.S. Presidency voluntarily to save the country the agony of an impeachment trial in the Senate. That’s the one Nixon era White House tape recording that has never been released to the general public as government archivists thought the sound of my whips and Nixon’s screams would be too much for the public to handle.”

“Good luck in Zimbabwe,” Amadeus said to Sherrielock as she went out the door.

“It’s Mr. Mugabe who’ll be needing the luck,” Sherrielock quipped as she walked out the door, “as well as a lifetime supply of comfortable cushions.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 19th
2017.

Permalink 8 Comments

Haiku About Cecil The Lion Killed By Trophy Hunter In Zimbabwe

July 29, 2015 at 6:35 pm (Commentary, Crime, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About Cecil The Lion Killed By Trophy Hunter In Zimbabwe

Killer’s toothy smile
Trophy ensures the lion
does not sleep tonight

Permalink 28 Comments