The Coppertop Were-Zomb-ire

October 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm (TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

As Renfield sat looking depressed over the dead body of his most recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire, the redheaded cyborg Sophia entered the Set Enterprises lab wearing a tight fitting red mini dress, red silk nylons and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

She was followed by Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. as well as a TV camera crew.

“What are you doing here?” Renfield asked the sexy and sultry cyborg.

“I’m here to shoot a TV commercial about your dead creation the Were-Zomb-ire,” Sophia answered, “my recording manager Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell figures it will help my music career.”

“Oh great,” Renfield threw up his hands, “first someone posted a blog entry about my creation the Were-Zomb-ire’s death at Xanga a site no one cares about (except for C.S. Lewis wannabes with a fetish for boobs and non-butterfly little read unpopular Malaysian bloggers who don’t have a fetish for boobs) and now you’re going to broadcast my failure to the entire world.”

“That’s right,” Sophia adjusted her nylons and then smiled for the camera.

“Hit it,” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell gave her the thumbs up.

“I’m sitting here with colossal failure Renfield R, Renfield,” Sophia smiled engagingly, “whose recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire a creature part werewolf, part zombie and part vampire was killed shortly after it was created. Mr. Renfield, what are your plans for the future?”.

“Well, I’ve been offered the position of Secretary of State in a second Obama Administration for after the next U.S. election….” Renfield tried to smile.

“Let’s try fitting your Were-Zomb-ire with a Duracell battery shall we?” Sophia cuts open the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach with a butcher knife and then inserts a Duracell battery and then stitches together the incision with thread and then delivers an electrical charge to the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach.

The Were-Zomb-ire then rises to life again.

“Duracell the Coppertop Battery,” Sophia smiles at the camera, “the battery recommended and used by most professional mad scientists.”

The Were-Zomb-ire then tears the door off the Set Enterprises lab and sets off to terrorize the City of London.

Amadeus Emanon enters through the now non-existent door of the Set Enterprises lab licking a maple walnut chocolate ice cream cone and remarking, “Hey Renfield, I noticed your Were-Zomb-ire came back to life and just stepped on the Energizer Bunny. It’s no longer going and going…”

To be continued.

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The Were-Zomb-ire

October 6, 2011 at 8:37 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

“So, what was it you invited me down to the lab to show me?” Amadeus asked as he ate a large piece of garlic sausage.

“I have created the world’s first were-zomb-ire,” Renfield laughed an evil laugh.

“What’s a were-zomb-ire?” Amadeus checked his Eagle Scout’s Iban-English Dictionary to see if he could find the word there.

“It’s part werewolf, part zombie and part vampire,” Renfield explained, “hence were-zomb-ire.”

“How did you create it?” Amadeus took a salt shaker out of his pocket and poured more salt on his garlic sausage.

“I extracted DNA from our Boss who as we know is a vampire, extracted some DNA from Welsh werewolf Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley and extracted some DNA from that late 19th Century Irish-Canadian boxer Gordon “The Black Irish” Donnelly who as we know was raised from the dead as a zombie a couple of years ago and has subsequently never lost a fight in this century,” Renfield boasted, “put all that DNA together in a test tube and shook it while I danced to that old Harry Belafonte song Day-O The Banana Boat Song and now you can see the finished results on the lab table- the world’s first were-zomb-ire.”

“Can I take a closer look?” Amadeus asked as he raised the blanket covering the creature on the lab table.

“Be my guest,” Renfield smiled triumphantly.

* * *

As the pair entered the front door of the London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield had an angry pissed-off look on his face and Amadeus was smiling as he whistled Day-O The Banana Boat Song.

“I take it your were-zomb-ire experiment didn’t work out so well, sir,” the valet and butler Athelstan remarked as he helped Renfield remove his jacket.

“Harrumph,” Renfield walked to his room.

“Well,” Amadeus remarked as he ate some hot buttered popcorn he had purchased on his way back from the lab, “I accidently spilled some garlic sausage and salt on the creature. Garlic disagrees with vampires as we know and it turns out salt kills zombies- something I didn’t know- I would have thought it would have been hot chili peppers as it is for the rest of us. Then after I spilled the garlic sausage and salt- I took out a bottle of water to quench my thirst- water I had picked up from the fount at Saint Francis Xavier Catholic Church- and I dropped the water on the creature- turned out to be Holy Water. Then when I dropped my contact lens on the floor and couldn’t find where it went, I opened the curtain and the window to let in some sunlight which fried the creature and then it turns out the lab’s neighbour the Duke of Marlborough was firing silver bullets into the air to protect his gold supply from thieves and one of the silver bullets came in through the window and struck the hairy werewolf face of the creature…”

“Say no more, sir,” Athelstan raised his hand, ” say no more…”

To be continued.

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