On Stages of Drunkeness

June 30, 2007 at 10:08 pm (Quizzes and Trivia)

 5 Stages of Drunkenness


Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ’cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

DraculVanHelsing said:
Then there’s the final stage… DEAD drunk! This happens when your smart good looking rich bullet proof insible ass turns out not to be so smart, good looking, rich, bullet proof or invisible. Particularly bullet proof… that’s the last time you’ll be hitting on the neighbourhood Mafia’s don’s mistress or anybodly else for that matter!

June 30, ’07

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Pink Pussy Cat Burgler? With A Chihauhau In Her Purse?

June 30, 2007 at 4:07 am (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

From draculvanhelsing on 06/29/07

Hm, these quizzes are a bit contradictory for you! Your passion is pink? That would make you like Paris Hiltion! And yet your superheroine alterego is Catwoman? The woman in black! Somehow I can’t see those going together unless of course you’re a walking candidate for multiple personality disorder.

-Dracul Van Helsing

  June 29th, 2007

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Squirrely Peanut Butter? Fangs A Lot!

June 30, 2007 at 3:47 am (Inspiration)

From draculvanhelsing on 06/29/07

I’ve always loved the works of Lewis Carroll! When I read your entry title just then, Zut! un serpent geant, for some reason the image of a giant serpent entered my mind but then I imagined Harry Woo left out this giant jar of peanut butter and curious the serpent put its fangs in the peanut butter and then peanut butter got caught in the serpent’s fangs and its fangs got stuck together but its last words before it got its fangs stuck together were Zut! un serpent geant.

From draculvanhelsing on 06/29/07

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Goodbye Tony Blair

June 30, 2007 at 2:16 am (Humour)


This past Wednesday June 27th, 2007, Tony Blair stepped down as 
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Here’s my personal tribute to British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

It’s a song to the tune of Sirl Elton John’s Candle in the Wind.

Goodbye Tony Blair
written by Dracul Van Helsing
June 27th, 2007

Goodbye Tony Blair
Though Saddam never knew you at all
you invaded Iraq
while the French sat and bawled.

WMDs crawled out of the woodwork
and they whispered in your brain
must stop Saddam
before London goes up in flame.

And it seems to me you lived your life
like a flower in the wind
never knowing which direction
the wind was blowing in.

And I would have liked to have known you
and of course I did
for politicians and celebs mix
like caviar and squid.

Not finding WMDs was tough
the toughest role you ever played
but of course all the British public cared about
was Prince Harry getting laid.

Even when you tried
oh, the press they hounded you
but you still read their papers
while sitting in the loo.

And it seems to me you lived your life
like a flower in the wind
never knowing which direction
the wind was blowing in.

And I would have liked to have known you 
and of course I did
for politicians and celebs mix
like caviar and squid.

Goodbye Tony Blair
Why don’t you give me a call
if you want piano lessons in the fall
Goodbye Tony Blair
From the guy whose glasses gleam like the sun
I’m sure that Middle Eastern food will have you on the run
and you’ll find the Temple Mount weighs more than just a ton.

And it seems to me you lived your life
like a flower in the wind
never knowing which direction 
the wind was blowing in.

And I would have liked to have known you
and of course I did
for politicians and celebs mix
like Bono in Madrid.

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To A Glenn Close Psychostalker Stalking A Friend of Mine

June 29, 2007 at 9:52 pm (Poetry)

by DraculVanHelsing
to the tune of Frank Sinatra’s I Did It My Way

And now the weekend’s near
you open the door and the curtain
*Nice* people accuse you of flirtin’
so you bend over to show them your rear
nice and bare!
smiling “that’s for you, dear!”
kiss my moon you looney tune
impale yourself with fork or spoon
but know this, much more than this
only in your dreams, would you I kiss!

Posted on: June 29, ’07  

composed by Dracul Van Helsing 

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Up Above The World So High? Maybe You Better Sit and Cry

June 29, 2007 at 9:30 pm (Poetry)

by DraculVanHelsing
Twinkle twinkle little star!
Someone just hijacked your car
fast along the road it goes
only to be crushed by Superman’s toes!

                                                                     -composed by Dracul Van Helsing

                                                                       June 29th, 2007

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Of Happiness and Contentment

June 29, 2007 at 3:52 am (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

I was recently asked the following question:

What is Happiness and Contentment to you????????????

My answer:

Just let me get this ice pick out of my chest first and then I’ll answer that question!

                                                                                                            -Dracul Van Helsing

                                                                                                               June 28th, 2007

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Signs of Aging #1

June 29, 2007 at 3:45 am (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

You know you’re getting old when…

you visit a museum and you recognize the Mummy in the glass case as being the guy who ran off with your wife.

                                                                                                       -Dracul Van Helsing

                                                                                                          June 28th, 2007

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Get Thee To… Where?

June 29, 2007 at 3:41 am (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

If you want to cause a real panic in life, leave the toilet seat up in a nunnery.

                                                                                               -Dracul Van Helsing

                                                                                                  June 28th, 2007

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Planes, Trains, Automobiles? Nyet, Limos and Buses

June 28, 2007 at 10:27 pm (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing)

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

So that will be d perfect person 4 u..

Hit

by DraculVanHelsing
Thanks!

Yes, a wise man once said a journey of a 1000 miles begins… with a broken fan belt and a flat tire!

So I guess the person who walks that journey with me is the one for me! 🙂

Posted on: June 28, ’07  

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