Orson Welles, Donald Trump and Dracul Van Helsing

March 28, 2017 at 4:14 pm (Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The year was 1946 and actress Rita Hayworth was filming the movie Gilda with her co-star Glenn Ford.

She returned home to her husband Orson Welles only to see a mysterious entity de-materialize in front of her.

Sol Invictus Set De-materializing

“Who was that who just disappeared outside the door?” Rita asked Orson as she kissed him on the cheek.

“That was that London-based billionaire Mr. Sol Invictus Set who had asked me to direct a film for him,” Orson replied.

“Well, he certainly got the Hell out of here,” Rita quipped.

“I should say so,” Orson poured himself a glass of whisky and soda, “Hell is definitely where he belongs. He wanted me to write and direct a film about Hitler.”

“The subject material would certainly catch the attention of the world,” Rita poured herself a glass of milk.

“But he wanted it to be a film expressing admiration for Hitler,” Welles’ eyes flashed anger.

“Well, then you were wise telling him where to go,” Rita kissed him again.

Welles softened, “Thanks, Rita.”

Rita was thoughtful, “You seem to have a habit of offending billionaires, Orson. First William Randolph Hearst and now this Sol Invictus Set. I hope this doesn’t cost you.”

“Cost me? How?” Welles looked quizzically at his wife.

“I hope Hollywood doesn’t decide to blacklist you,” Rita looked almost clairvoyant, “turn down your ideas for making films. Europe would probably be more accepting of a genius such as yourself. But it would be a shame if America turned its back on supporting your artistic excellence.”

For once in his life, Welles was speechless.

. . .

U.S. President Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office wondering how he’d be able to use the Mary Poppins word Supercalifranchilisticexpealidocious in a tweet and still be able to make a profound statement.

The phone rang.

Trump picked it up.

“Hello?” Trump ran a radioactive monitoring comb through his hair.

“Hello, Dad, it’s me,” it was his daughter Ivanka, “you had called me earlier while I was busy chatting with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.”

“Yes, it was your closeness to Justin Trudeau that I was wanting to talk to you about,” Trump explained, “I was listening to a radio program about the paranormal on the radio last night featuring some former Canadian cabinet minister- some guy called Paul Hellyer. Anyways Paul Hellyer was saying that Justin Trudeau is in close contact with an ET gray from the planet Nibiru – some alien chap by the name of Gali-Gula whose ET body is supposedly possessed by the spirit of the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula. I was wondering if you could phone Prime Minister Trudeau for me and ask him if this is true.”

“But Dad, why don’t you just phone him yourself?” Ivanka asked.

“Yes, but as you know somebody has been leaking all the phone conversations I’ve been having with world leaders. If that one gets leaked, especially in lieu of the unusual subject matter, there may be some among the American people who’ll start to think I’m nuts,” Trump was shocked by the high level of radioactivity in his hair when he looked at his comb monitor.

“All right, Dad, I’ll call him,” Ivanka put her mobile phone down, smoothed her skirt and then speed dialed Justin Trudeau’s number.

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing were making love in a gondola on a canal in Venice.

“In Venice, veni, vidi, vici,” Dracul said as he collapsed in Qonzilqointec’s arms and even though he was a non-smoker, he longed for a cigarette for some reason.

“In Venice, you came, you saw, you conquered,” Qonzilqointec sighed in ecstasy.

He certainly came all right.

Qonzilqointec thought maybe she really should have taken her dress completely off.

She lit a cigarette and wondered what dry cleaner Monica Lewinsky used on her blue dress.

“We’re here at the house of the masked ball,” the gondolier announced.

“Who puts on a masked ball during Lent?” Qonzilqointec asked, “aren’t carnival masquerade balls supposed to happen before Lent?”.

“Welcome,” the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Sol Invictus Set materialized before the door.

Sol Invictus Set Re-materializing

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 28th
2017.

Permalink Leave a Comment

King Arthur Meets Morgana: A Poem

March 27, 2017 at 4:31 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Through the mountains of Wales the young Arthur walked
recalling the days when he and his mentor Merlin talked
his mentor Merlin told him to beware of nymphs in these mountain passes
sexy creatures warned Merlin who turned men into bumbling jackasses

But Arthur was enjoying the crisp winter day
caring not what came his young regal way
he turned the corner
and erect went his sonar
though the aquatic tracking device Merlin saw was several years down the road
but what Arthur saw he now carried quite the heavy load

And so the young King Arthur forgot Merlin’s sage advice
that night of lust would later cut him like a knife
so therefore my dear reader, beware of nymphs in the mountains
for like Arthur, what is sown may reap war’s blood-filled fountains.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday March 27th 2017

Permalink Leave a Comment

Haiku About FDR

March 26, 2017 at 3:46 pm (Biographical, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Battled polio
Fought Great Depression and then
Japan and Nazis

FDR

Permalink Leave a Comment

Osiris, Isis and Pope Francis

March 25, 2017 at 3:36 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

“Guess who I had dinner with last night?” The Rome-based Egyptian vampire Osiris asked his wife the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis.

“With Pope Francis?” Isis dipped a silver spoon into her dish of Black Sea caviar as she sat in her apartment with a panoramic view of the Eiffel Tower.

“Oh shoot, I was hoping that would have been a surprise,” Osiris wiped the Eggs Florentine off his face as he sat in his apartment with a panoramic view of the Colosseum.

“I read about it in Renfield R. Renfield’s online newsletter,” Isis checked her iPad.

“That bastard who’s Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for our London-based evil brother Set?” Osiris spit out his freshly squeezed orange juice, “I think he must have wiretapped my phone.”

“He did,” Isis sipped her champagne, “he mentioned it in his newsletter a few weeks ago.”

“I should get an email subscription to that,” Osiris ate his toast.

“You should,” Isis put caviar on her bagel, “so how was the dinner with Pope Francis and the EU heads of state and government?”.

“It was wonderful,” Osiris’ smile was as bright as that of the Sun god Ra, “that Francis is a very ecumenical guy. He invited me to place a statue of myself in Saint Peter’s Basilica. Since last night was the eve of the 60th Anniversary of the signing of the Treaty of Rome which laid the groundwork for today’s European Union, he also called on a new vision for Europe to combat the evil populism that has overtaken Europe in the wake of Brexit and Donald Trump’s U.S. victory.”

“And I hope that new vision for Europe that Pope Francis sees is an ancient Egyptian vision as conceived by us centuries ago,” Isis walked over to the window and noticed a Kraken crawling up the Eiffel Tower.

“The very same,” Osiris looked out the window and noticed an ET gray emerging out of a spaceship atop Rome’s Colosseum.

At that moment, Isis got a text message on her phone sent to her by her disembodied son Horus.

“I have become incarnate again,” Horus gave his mother Isis the cheerful news, “I will be born in 9 months time.”

“Holy cow,” Renfield who had been eavesdropping on Isis and Osiris’ conversation knocked over his glass of milk.

Amadeus Emanon who immediately started crying over the spilled milk wept, “Actually I think Horus would be a holy falcon. Hathor was the holy cow in ancient Egyptian religion.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 25th
2017.

Vampiress Isis
Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis: Hoping that the new vision for Europe will be an ancient Egyptian vision conceived millenia ago by Isis and Osiris.

Permalink 2 Comments

Renfield’s North Korean Alarm Clock Smashed

March 24, 2017 at 3:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon happened to walk by Renfield R. Renfield’s bedroom.

He looked in and noticed Renfield R. Renfield’s new alarm clock had been totally smashed.

“What happened to your cheap new North Korean alarm clock?” asked Amadeus.

“I smashed it to smithereens,” Renfield replied downing a 24 ounce bottle of vodka in a single gulp.

“Why?” asked Amadeus.

“I blame it for this past Wednesday’s terrorist attack outside Parliament at Westminster,” Renfield opened a second 24 ounce bottle of vodka and polished it off with the same speed as the first.

“How was the North Korean alarm clock you purchased from a Hyde Park peddler this past Tuesday responsible for the infamous Westminster terrorist attack the next day?” Amadeus opened his lunch bag and started eating a chocolate eclair.

“Because when the alarm struck 9 AM (which was the time I set it to) this past Wednesday and the figure of Kim Jong-un came out of the clock saying, “Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! I am cuckoo!” and the figure of Kim Jong-un smashed his ICBM shaped hammer on my head to wake me up, instead of waking me up immediately, it rendered me unconscious for the next several hours,” Renfield opened a third 24 ounce bottle of vodka and downed it with the same speed as his first two.

“So how was that responsible for the terrorist attack outside Parliament?” Amadeus took out his jumbo hot dog (smothered in mustard and fried onions and relish and ketchup) from his lunch bag and began eating it.

“Because if I had woken up at the time I wanted to, I’d have probably been walking across the Westminster Bridge at the time and I could have blown the bastard away to kingdom come with one of the numerous concealed weapons I carry on my person as I’m out walking,” Renfield downed his 4th 24 ounce bottle of vodka.

“Would you have been able to stop a speeding vehicle?” Amadeus bit his way into a blueberry filled turnover

“With my anti-tank rocket launcher I could have,” Renfield belched as he opened up his 5th 24 ounce bottle of vodka.

“You carry an anti-tank rocket launcher with you under your raincoat?” Amadeus removed a pot of chili con carne from his lunch bag and started eating it.

“That’s why I’m always getting dates with female porn stars,” Renfield grinned, “they think I’m the new Ron Jeremy.”

Renfield downed his 6th 24 ounce bottle of vodka and then passed out.

“Well I hope there isn’t a terrorist attack tonight,” Amadeus removed a rather sticky cheese fondue from his lunch bag, “the Boss (referring to the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) will be rather pissed off if Renfield starts smashing his prized collection of 24 ounce bottles of vodka blaming them for the latest Renfieldian inability to stop a terrorist attack in the UK.”

“Not much chance of that, sir,” Athelstan the butler and valet removed Renfied’s drunken body from the hallway carpet and threw it in the shapeshifting hamster/human’s bed room, “Renfield would most likely filter the vodka through his kidneys first and then start pissing it down the drain.”

“Where have all the porn stars gone? Gone out of my hot tub every one,” Renfield started singing from the bed room, “I shouldn’t have brought an electric battery into the tub with me. When will I ever learn? When will I ever learn?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 24th
2017.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Feast of The Beast 2017

March 23, 2017 at 6:06 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard showed Peter Whitstable (the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol) the video that had been shot in England’s Sherwood Forest in the early morning hours of the day.

“These men of course were involved in an illegal out of season hunt for which they’ll be charged- those who are still alive that is,” Depp explained, “but look what happens in the video.”

The hunters encounter a stag.

As the men raised their rifles, the stag stands up on its hind legs and in its forearms it carries a crossbow which it fires with lightning speed.

The arrows immediately kill 11 of the 13 huntsmen and leave the other two wounded.

“Who filmed the video?” Whitstable asked.

“Good question,” said Depp, “we have no idea. The video was left at the scene after a mysterious phone call to local police.”

“Interesting,” Whitstable looked at the video again.

“With your investigation of the unusual and the preternatural, have you ever encountered such a phenomenon?” Depp asked, “A stag firing a crossbow with rapid fire arrows (faster than bullets) at a group of hunters?”.

“I’ve heard rumours of it,” said Whitstable, “and from a painting I once saw in the Vatican Archives that dates back to the 15th Century, I believe I know who the stag is.”

“A 15th Century painting in the Vatican Archives lets you know who this stag is?” Depp was incredulous.

“It’s Cernunnos the horned Celtic god of animals and the underworld,” Whitstable explained.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 23rd
2017.

Permalink 2 Comments

Kim Jong-un and The Deity Behind The VX Nerve Agent

March 22, 2017 at 4:35 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

U.S. President Donald Trump was hard at work in the Oval Office.

He was busy tweeting, “@realDonaldTrump Barack Obama not only wiretapped me. He also used drones to spray my hair and change my hair colour so people would think I’m wearing a toupee.”

An aide entered his office, “Mr. President, we’ve found out who’s been manufacturing VX nerve agent for Kim Jong-un. The same VX nerve agent that was used in the assassination of the despot’s half-brother Kim Jong-nam at Kuala Lumpur International Airport in Malaysia.”

President Trump responded, “This is probably a good thing that you’ve found out who’s responsible.”

Meanwhile at the Presidential Palace in Pyongyang, North Korea, KIm Jong-un addressed the Greek deity Hephaestus (known to the Ancient Romans as Vulcan), “Well, Heph baby… say I hope you don’t mind me calling you Heph… I rather like the name Hef… reminds me of Playboy bunnies for some reason… anyhow I just used the VX nerve agent you’ve been making for me to exterminate the incompetents who’ve been in charge of my missile development program. All these missile launch failures start to get embarrassing after a while. Leaves me with egg on my face. I’ve often killed my top chefs and waiters at the palace here for the same reason.”

“Heph is all right,” the Greek god of fire and the forge responded.

“Anyhow after I watched them die from my window while I was enjoying my breakfast of scrambled eggs and egg foo yung, the thought occurred to me maybe I should get you to forge my missiles for me,” Kim Jong-un smiled like a beatific Buddha.

“That can be arranged,” said Hephaestus, “but I’m going to need an awfully big forge.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 22nd
2017.

Permalink 4 Comments

The World Has Lost A Great Illuminati Satanist

March 21, 2017 at 2:56 pm (Biographical, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Obituaries, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The World Has Lost A Great Illuminati Satanist
David Rockefeller

David Rockefeller founder of the Trilateral Commission kicks the bucket at age 101.
Hopefully they’ll remember to bury him face downwards so that he can see where he’s going.

“I see,” Amadeus Emanon spoke while eating toast with butter and jam, “that they’ve got a different sort of obituary for David Rockefeller in the International Federation of Vampire Hunters daily newspaper.”

“I noticed that,” Renfield R. Renfield commented as he fantasized about Ivanka Trump and Scarlett Johannson wrestling with one another in a wrestling ring with both women wearing evening dresses slit up the side and shiny nylon clad spiked stiletto high-heeled legs wrapped around one another’s throat.

“Well, you’re obviously not too upset by David Rockefeller’s death,” Amadeus commented as he noticed the huge broad ecstatic smile on Renfield’s face.

-An obituary written
by Gregorio Palamas
President of the
International Federation
of Vampire Hunters
Athens, Greece
March 21st
2017.

Permalink 2 Comments

Abe Lincoln’s and Jefferson Davis’ Ghosts In Vatican

March 20, 2017 at 3:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The ghostly figure in the top hat looked around.

He didn’t recognize the place.

But President Lincoln knew he was back on Earth.

A place he hadn’t been in some 152 years.

Lincoln looked and saw another ghostly figure approaching.

He recognized it as the ghost of his arch enemy Jefferson Finis Davis the President of the Confederate States of America.

As Lincoln saw Davis’ specter approach, he reflected on something he often felt when he looked at Davis’ photos when alive, “It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing oneself reflected- the reflection of one’s dark side.”

Abraham Lincoln Jefferson Davis

“Is this some sort of cosmic joke you’re playing, Abe?” Jefferson Davis asked, “Rubbing salt into the wounds of the defeated Confederacy?”.

“I have nothing to do with this,” Lincoln answered, “I thought this was some sort of black magic conjured up on a soulless run plantation in the Deep South.”

The spirits of both men remained silent as sudden strong gusts of wind came up and dark clouds blew over the gardens where they were standing.

Pope Francis and a group of Cardinals walked by and through the spirits of the two men.

“I think we’re probably in the Vatican in Rome,” Abe Lincoln finally spoke.

“I’d have to agree,” Jefferson Davis answered.

From one of the rooms overlooking the Vatican gardens, two intruders looked down- two intruders who could see the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis.

The intruders were Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

“Who do you think summoned the ghosts of Abe Lincoln and Jefferson Davis to the Vatican?” Whitstable asked Van Helsing.

“Probably someone who hasn’t read the Biblical account of what happened when the Witch of Endor managed to actually summon Samuel’s spirit from the realm of the dead for King Saul of Israel,” Van Helsing answered.

“And who might that be?” Whitstable inquired.

“Most likely a Vatican Cardinal,” Van Helsing answered.

“Probably Cardinal JM,” Whitstable raised the ancient grimoire volume of necromancy he held in his hands- a volume whose autographed inscription read, “To Cardinal JM my personal favourite amongst all my devotees in the Vatican Curia of Cardinals, yours with love, Hecate, Hellenic goddess of witchcraft, sorcery and necromancy.”

“Undoubtedly,” Van Helsing nodded.

Whitstable’s wiretap sounded an alarm.

“Who is that?” Van Helsing asked.

“It’s George Soros text messaging Pope Francis,” Whitstable replied.

Van Helsing’s own Samsung Galaxy 7 smart phone went off.

“Who is that?” Whitstable asked.

“The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec,” Van Helsing replied.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 20th
2017.

Permalink 2 Comments

Aztec Vampiress Qonzilqointec Meets Abraham Lincoln

March 19, 2017 at 3:27 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

President Abraham Lincoln stopped when he opened his bedroom door and noticed a beautiful woman standing there.

The President was taken aback.

What would his wife Mary have to say about this?

“Um…” Lincoln decided to be diplomatic, “who are you?”.

“I am the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec,” the woman replied.

“I see,” Lincoln thought the woman must be crazy.

When she suddenly turned into a bat and flew around the room, Lincoln then decided there must be something to the woman’s story.

She turned back into a beautiful woman again.

“What do you want?” Lincoln asked.

“To thank you for opposing the Mexican-American War as a Congressman from Illinois,” she said.

“Well, you’re welcome,” Lincoln smiled.

“And for doing what you can to help Juarez against the French and the Hapsburg Emperor of Mexico Maximilian despite the fact that you’re fighting a civil war of your own,” Qonzilqointec smiled at him.

“Again you’re welcome,” Lincoln bowed.

“It’s that bitch the Egyptian vampiress Isis who’s behind the French Emperor Napoleon III and all his plans for dominating the world,” Qonzilqointec seethed.

“I did not know that,” Lincoln had to admit.

Qonzilqointec smiled, “Did you know that the Transylvanian Count Dracula is a big supporter of Confederate President Jefferson Davis?”.

Lincoln was really taken aback by that last remark.

“That,” the President said, “I definitely did not know.”

“Although,” Qonzilqointec laughed showing her pearly white teeth and incisors, “for the wrong reasons. He had heard that Jefferson Davis is an alumnus of Transylvania University totally oblivious to the fact that the Transylvania University that Jefferson Davis attended is a private university in Lexington Kentucky founded back in 1780.”

“I guess it pays to have a knowledge of history and geography,” Lincoln reflected, “even for vampires.”

“It does,” Qonzilqointec agreed.

“What are you doing here?” Lincoln asked

“I’m here to turn you into a vampire,” Qonzilqointec stepped towards him.

Lincoln stepped back.

“Only if you’d like,” Qonzilqointec stopped her approach, “You’re a great man. It would be a good thing if you could live forever.”

“I have no desire to live the life of a vampiric existence,” said Lincoln.

“Very well,” Qonzilqointec looked sad.

She bowed and left the room.

A few minutes later, Lincoln’s wife Mary Todd Lincoln entered the room.

“I hope you remember we’re going to see that play Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theatre on Friday.” Mary looked stern.

“Yes, dear,” Lincoln nodded, “I remember.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 19th
2017

Permalink Leave a Comment

Next page »