Amazon On Fire
Amazon On Fire
London-based private eyes Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie sat in the New York City office of Lev Tomi the Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change.
Unbeknownst to Magog and Agathor, Lev Tomi was a vampire.
Hence the reason for the late night meeting.
During his mortal life, Lev Tomi had been the Russian Communist Leon Trotsky.
Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie had recently been deported from Argentina as their investigation into a sex trafficking ring (with possible close ties to the Vatican) was getting a little too close for the powers that be behind the curtains who were secretly running the world.
“Gentlemen,” Lev Tomi took off his wire rimmed spectacles and wiped them, “I want you to go down to Brazil and investigate and find out who’s responsible for setting all the wild fires that are currently burning up the Amazon rain forests which are the lungs of planet Earth.”
“Well according to Jair Bolsonaro the President of Brazil, the ones who set the fires are the NGOs of Brazil since his government slashed funding to them,” Magog noted.
“And do you believe him?” Lev Tomi stroked his dark goatee beard.
“No,” Magog shook his head, “They don’t call him the Donald Trump of Brazil for nothing.”
“Will you take the case?” Tomi asked.
“We will,” Magog agreed.
. . .
Meanwhile at the Vatican, Cardinal JM (which was his code name) the head of the Vatican Secret Intelligence Service was secretly pleased about the wild fires happening in the Amazon rain forest.
The reason was the upcoming Synod On The Amazon which was being held at the Vatican this coming October.
Cardinal JM and his fellow pagan cardinals at the Vatican (which was actually a great many of them) were hoping to use that synod to overturn 2000 years of Catholic doctrine and liturgy.
And they were hoping to use the ecological crisis facing the Amazon region of South America to be able to do just that.
. . .
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and French President Emmanuel Macron were meeting in Paris to discuss Brexit and the question of the Irish backstop on the Republic of Ireland/Northern Ireland border.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel in her meeting with Johnson in Berlin yesterday said that if Johnson could come up with a solution to the Irish backstop problem within 30 days, she would be willing to listen.
Macron, on the other hand, like most pompous and arrogant French leaders, was not so accommodating.
Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun (who liked to drink and sleep with part of his body on one half of the Irish border and the other part of his body on the other) watched the Johnson-Macron meeting live on his Samsung Galaxy tablet while drinking from a large keg of Jameson Whiskey and recalling how he had once saved all of Ireland from the Prussian invasion of 1807.
Or was it the Napoleonic invasion of 1808?
He always got those two years and two invasions mixed up for some reason.
The leprechaun fell asleep.
. . .
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora was wearing a red Italian Renaissance era style dress and walking down the steps and corridors of the ancient Italian city of Ravenna.
She smiled when she saw Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing approach.
“Your Vampiric Majesty,” Dracul greeted her, “I need your help in stopping Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s Turkish army from invading northern Syria and massacring Kurds and Christians.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 22nd
2019.
Wilkie The Cat Plays Hamlet
Wilkie The Cat Plays Hamlet
The noted New York feline thespian Wilkie The Cat was on stage appearing in his own production of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet.
The vain cat actor was naturally playing the lead role.
“If it were done when ’tis done,
then twere well it were done quickly…”
“You idiot, that’s from MacBeth,” shouted Mitzi the French cat who was playing Ophelia.
“Oh,” Wilkie took a look at what he had written on his cuff links.
“Sorry folks,” Wilkie grinned at the audience.
Wilkie struck a dramatic Sir John Barrymore style pose.
“I have come to bury Caesar not to praise him,” Wilkie began.
The body of a German shepherd is carried by four marching legionaries across the stage followed by a weeping female French poodle.
“That’s from Julius Caesar, bozo!” Mitzi exclaimed.
“Oops!” Wilkie took a look at what was written on the cuff links of his other front paw.
“Now is the winter of our discontent,” Wilkie began as imagery of hot dogs and ice cream cones and a summer beach and loads of bikini clad women and swimming suit men appear on the screen behind him.
“Richard III, idiot!” Mitzi shook her head.
An actor dressed like John Wayne appears on stage and in a John Wayne like voice says, “A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!”.
Wilkie sits down and takes a look at what was written on one of the white socks on his back paws, “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?”.
“That’s Juliet’s line from Romeo and Juliet, you nincompoop!” Mitzi threw her paws in the air in exasperation.
Wilkie hearkens to what was written on the white sock on his other back paw.
“I fear my Thisbe’s promise is forgot!” Wilkie puts his right front paw to his feline brow in ultra melodramatic fashion.
“That’s from Pyramus and Thisbe the play within a play in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, you ninny!” Mitzi grabs her parasol umbrella from the stage hand off stage so she can hit Wilkie over the head with it.
Wilkie pulls off a piece of paper he has stapled to his tail.
“Those are the lines from King Lear you have there!” Mitzi approaches menacingly with her umbrella.
“King Leer!” Wilkie protests too much, “I’m no King Leer! You must think me a voyeur of some importance.”
The disgraced Pee-wee Herman walks across stage holding a pair of binoculars through which his eyes are peering.
Wilkie rips out a piece of paper that’s stapled to his tongue, reads it and cries out, “Soft you now, the fair Ophelia!”.
Mitzi casts her parasol to the stage and sighs, “Finally now, you’ve got the right play.”
At that point, Donald Trump with his toupee falling off, walks on stage and proclaims,
“In this same interlude it doth befall
That I, one Trump by name, present a wall…”
At that moment, the mostly Democratic Party aligned New York City audience rushes towards the stage to tear it apart (along with many in the audience who just want their money back).
As the New York City Mayor’s wife (a former lesbian) rushes on to the stage, Wilkie the Cat shouts, “Get thee to a nunnery!”.
Wilkie is then immediately attacked by New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo who tries to inject the feline with saline solution and then suck him up with a Planned Parenthood approved Electrolux vacuum cleaner.
Needless to say like every other play Wilkie had produced and directed for Broadway, the cat’s adaptation of Hamlet did not have a second night’s performance.
-A Wilkie the Cat Short Story
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 20th
2019.
Dolores Costello with her husband John Barrymore.
Barrymore, unlike Wilkie The Cat, could perform Shakespeare.
The Controller of The Golem In Prague
The Controller of The Golem In Prague
The Mossad agent code named the Controller of The Golem stood on the Charles Bridge in Prague the capital of the Czech Republic.
The Charles Bridge had been built back in 1357 by Charles IV the King of Bohemia and the Holy Roman Emperor.
The Controller was to meet in a rendezvous with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
Back on February 19th of this year, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith while wearing a Karl Lagerfeld evening gown had, with the help of a hypnotized Count Dracula, stolen the inanimate body of the Golem of Prague from the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue.
The inanimate body of the Golem of Prague was being held for ransom on the vampiress Lilith’s heavily guarded country estate outside Astana Kazakhstan.
Earlier today however Lilith had sent an encrypted coded message to the Controller of the Golem saying that she would return the Golem’s inanimate body to him tonight on the Charles Bridge in Prague with no questions asked.
The Controller naturally expected a trap which was why he was wearing a bullet proof vest as he walked across the bridge.
It was then that the Controller recognized a large centaur walking at an easy pace across the bridge.
The Controller of the Golem recognized the centaur as Acheronus a centaur who came from Acheron the River of Woe in the Underworld of Hades.
An eccentric Interpol friend of the Controller- Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol- had sent the Mossad agent a picture of the equine-homo sapien hybrid beast from Hades earlier this year.
The Controller did not pay much attention to the Centaur as Acheronus was mainly known for shooting and killing climate change deniers, people who pollute the environment and U.S. country club Republicans with his poisonous bows and arrows.
Imagine the Controller’s surprise therefore when a poisoned arrow came right through his bullet proof vest (which wasn’t arrow proof).
The Controller of the Golem collapsed at the foot of the Crucifix on the Charles Bridge in Prague.
. . .
The Mossad agent code named Star of Azazel received a text message from Hephaestus the blacksmith of the Greek gods.
Hephaestus who was currently working on a pair of horse shoes for Acheronus the Centaur informed Star of Azazel that the centaur assassin’s mission seemed to be a success.
Star of Azazel (who knew the codes for supposedly encrypted messages from the vampiress Lilith to Mossad) smiled.
His fellow agent the Controller of the Golem could have been a major pain in the ass in this matter of the mysterious death of Jeffrey Epstein.
. . .
The Controller of The Golem raised his head above the pavement and looked up at the figure of Christ on the Crucifix.
The Controller found it ironic that Acheronus would shoot at him so that he would fall at this particular spot.
“Maybe you really are The Lord after all, Yeshua,” the Controller said thinking about his grandmother.
His grandmother had converted to Christianity before she died and so was considered the black sheep of the family.
Just before he left his Prague hotel room for his supposed meeting with Lilith on the Charles Bridge, a pterodactyl drone (invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher) had tapped his robotic reptilian beak and robotic reptilian claws on his hotel room window.
When he opened the window, the pterodactyl drone presented him with a handwritten note from his friend Dr. Cadbury Rocher as well as a package containing a vest.
The note from Dr. Rocher read, “Please wear this poisoned arrow proof vest under your bullet proof vest for your meeting on the Charles Bridge tonight. Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster recommends it as he just received a vision of treachery and skulduggery.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 19th
2019.
Reblog of Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show
One of my readers commented tonight that he hopes Pan Goatee never visits Montana. I mentioned a few years ago, I wrote a chapter where Pan Goatee is interviewed on a TV show in Great Falls, Montana. And here it is:
Pan Goatee Interviewed On TV Show
KRTV Channel 3 Announcer: Live from Great Falls, Montana, it’s the Russell Charlie Show and now here’s our host… Russell Charlie.
(A man wearing a 10 gallon tan cowboy hat, purple leather vest, cowboy tie, denim jeans and leather cowboy boots strolls on to the stage waving his hat and waving his hands)
Russell Charlie: Howdy y’all, ladies and gentlemen. How ya doing?
(Audience shouts in unison, “We’re great, Rusty!”. Rusty of course being Russell Charlie’s nickname)
Rusty: Today, of course, we have a special guest who’s come all the way from Washington, D.C. …
(Audience starts booing)
Rusty: Now, we must be hospitable. After all that’s the way of the Great American West. We give you food, give you drink and then we’ll plug you full of holes with our six shooters.
(Audience laughs)
Rusty: Washington D.C. is of course the town where…
View original post 1,700 more words
Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield
Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield
Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had all the ingredients to make a Ralph Petley Jones Special Grilled Cheese Sandwich save one (the recipe was developed by a famous Welsh ex-Mountie who once owned an acreage near Fairmont Hot Springs in British Columbia).
The recipe consisted of putting huge slabs of butter on four slices of bread.
Then put a large slice of cheese on each of the four slices of bread.
Then put several large slices of onion on each slice of cheese.
Then put another large slice of cheese atop the onions on each slice of bread.
Then put the slices of bread together so you’ve got two huge sandwiches.
Put in the oven or microwave until the cheese melts.
And voila! Delicisio!
Goatee had plenty of butter and plenty of bread and plenty of onions.
But alas! No cheese slices.
So he walked to the grocery store to buy some.
He was in luck as there were both cheese slices in the store as well as loads of beautiful women walking around the store (something very rare indeed for the city he lived in!).
After Goatee had purchased his cheese slices, he walked out the door.
The poor satyr serial killer’s luck ran out as a fat ugly blimp came waddling up the sidewalk pushing a grocery cart.
To the right on the other side of the fat ugly blimp, there was an extremely stupid looking guy standing on the sidewalk looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart.
Because of the said inconsiderate idiot standing there holding an empty grocery cart, it made it difficult for Goatee to maneuver past the fat ugly blimp as the elephantine sized creature took up a wide portion of the sidewalk.
Goatee immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp remarking, “That’s what you get for not making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight this year and for not buying environmentally friendly paper bags to put over your head when you go out in public.”
Goatee then kicked the fat ugly blimp’s head as far as McMahon Stadium where the sight of the fat ugly blimp’s head landing on the football field caused the Calgary Stampeders to lose their first home CFL game to the visiting Montreal Alouettes since 2009.
Behind the beheaded fat ugly blimp was the blimp’s mother who surprisingly was a fairly good looking woman.
However on the other side of the mother was the beheaded fat ugly blimp’s fat ugly blimp younger sister.
“Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to emulate your elder siblings,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp younger sister.
“Now you’re not ugly but you gave birth to ugly children,” Goatee stated as he beheaded the mother, “Haven’t you ever heard of contraception and birth control?”.
The mother of blimps was far too dead to answer Goatee’s question.
Goatee then turned his attention to the stupid looking moron who was standing there looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart that took up another large part of the sidewalk.
“Because of your innate stupidity, asshole, in standing there looking like an idiot holding on to an empty grocery cart at the same time that fat ugly blimps are waddling down the sidewalk, it makes it difficult for decent folk to get by,” Goatee noted as he beheaded the said idiot.
The city’s collective IQ jumped by vast percentage points after Goatee had beheaded the said idiot.
Meanwhile down in the U.S. a foaming Donald Trump was meeting with a member of the U.S. State Department.
“Why did British authorities in Gibraltar release the Iranian oil tanker Grace 1 that most likely was carrying Iranian oil to Syria?” Trump foamed at the mouth as he fell over backwards.
“They most likely did it on the recommendation of one Renfield R. Renfield who’s Britain’s new Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering,” the State Department official answered.
“How dare this Renfield character do that!” Trump pounded his desk after getting back up in his chair, “What’s his Twitter user name? I’m going to tell that bastard off in one of my profound and brilliantly written Twitter tweets.”
“I’m afraid this Renfield R. Renfield doesn’t have a Twitter account,” the State Department official answered.
“What?” Trump started foaming at the mouth again, “What sort of person doesn’t have a Twitter account? How am I supposed to insult someone and cast my juvenile BS (to quote Rep. Ilhan Omar) opprobrium on them if they don’t have a Twitter account?”.
“I have no idea, sir,” the State Department official started watching an old silent movie on his smart phone.
“Besides which every moron in the world is supposed to have a Twitter account,” Trump proclaimed.
“Most do, sir,” the State Department official noted.
“See, I rest my case,” Trump smiled.
Meanwhile in the waters off Gibraltar, the Grace 1 had changed its name to the Adrian Darya while the ghostly ship wreckage of the Andrea Doria floated by.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 17th
2019.
Renfield Discusses Jeffrey Epstein Photo of Bill Clinton With Amadeus While Trump Plots To Annex Greenland
Renfield Discusses Jeffrey Epstein Photo of Bill Clinton With Amadeus While Trump Plots To Annex Greenland
“So Amadeus, did you see pictures of that photo of Bill Clinton that Jeffrey Epstein kept on the walls of his Manhattan mansion that the couple who visited there once took pictures of? It appeared in some of the London papers here,” Renfield R. Renfield asked his friend.
“No,” Amadeus shook his head as he ate his 11th full English breakfast even though it was now dinner time, “what photo was that?”.
“It was a photo of Bill Clinton wearing a blue dress and red pumps,” Renfield answered as he cross dressed his salad dressing.
“Jeffrey Epstein kept a photo of Bill Clinton wearing a blue dress and red pumps on his mansion walls?” Amadeus put his fork down.
“Apparently,” Renfield nodded.
“Does that mean Bill Clinton was a cross dresser?” Amadeus asked.
“That is definitely a possibility,” Renfield acknowleged, “It appears Hillary really wore the pants in that family in more ways than one.”
“And it was a blue dress you say?” Amadeus was suddenly grasping the irony of Bill’s choice of both attire and colour.
“Yes,” Renfield bit into a bacon and tomato sandwich, “which leads one to wonder who was the one actually wearing the blue dress when Bill got his stains all over over it? Monica or old Billy boy? Perhaps Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr should have checked whether the stains were on the inside or the outside of the dress.”
“This gives a whole new dimension to the Monica Lewinsky affair,” Amadeus ate his lox and cream cheese bagel.
Meanwhile in America, Donald Trump was complaining to Lexington his British butler and valet, “Can you believe all these politicians from Denmark and Greenland? They’re actually rejecting my offer to buy Greenland.”
“Leif Erikson and Erik the Red must be rolling over in their graves, sir,” Lexington answered.
“As well they should be,” said Trump who was considering uploading his consciousness into the east end of a cyborg horse facing west so that he could live forever.
“So what do you intend to do about it?” Lexington inquired.
“Maybe I should forcibly annex Greenland,” Trump replied.
“You mean like Hitler forcibly annexed Austria, the Sudetenland, the rest of Czechoslovakia and eventually Poland?” Lexington was astounded.
“Why not?” Trump pounded the desk, “What was good enough for Hitler is twice as good for me.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 16th
2019.
Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary
Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary
Today was the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s 250th birthday.
To celebrate the occasion the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI and was the leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party (this particular Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus back in June 2015) was going to blow out 250 candles on a huge Black Forest cake on the banks of the River Seine in Paris.
Medusa (the ex-Gorgon who had married the Kraken with Pope Francis’ papal blessing back in January 2017) led the assembled crowd on the banks of the Seine into singing Happy Birthday.
Medusa and the Paris Impromtu Singers sang,
“Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Napoleon,
Happy Birthday to you…”
Everyone whistled and applauded.
The ghost of the Emperor Napoleon (who had been granted temporary dispensational leave from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone for this occasion) wiped spectral tears from his ghostly eyes.
The Kraken leaned over to blow the 250 candles out on the Black Forest cake when he suddenly noticed that he had totally run out of hot air (he had used up his hot air giving a speech in the European Parliament yesterday on the subject of climate change).
His inability to blow out the candles started a massive fire on the Black Forest (that is the cake and not the forest in southwestern Germany).
Napoleon VI the Kraken got one of his tentacles (as opposed to one of his testicles) caught on fire and started dancing up and down the banks of the River Seine going, “Ooch! Ouch! Ooch! Ouch!”.
At that moment an otter called Jefferey de Montmartre (a DARPA operative) dived into the River Seine causing a huge splash that put the candles and the fire out.
Medusa then began to cut the cake (which now looked more like a Baked Alaska than a Black Forest cake) and started handing slices out.
Today was also the 50th Anniversary of the start of the Woodstock Music Festival.
Billed as “an Aquarian exposition: 3 days of peace and music”, it was held at Max Yasgur’s 600-acre dairy farm in Bethel, New York.
Interestingly enough, there was a pot-smoking hippy coincidentally named Rip Van Weedwrinkle who had fallen asleep just before the concert 50 years ago and now had just woken up 50 years later in one miraculous feat of survival (all a testament to the power of British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula marijuana).
He woke up singing, “What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?”.
He raised himself up, brushed the cobwebs out of his long graying hair and beard and looked around at the empty fields that surrounded him.
“Hey, where is everybody?” He called out, “When does the concert start? Anyone?”.
His voice echoed through the empty fields and was answered by the Aquarian Age moo of a cow in the distance.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2019.
Haiku About South Seas Romance
Haiku About South Seas Romance
South Seas paradise
Polynesian goddess
Heaven on a swing
Sherrielock Holmes Encounters A Mad Monk
Sherrielock Holmes Encounters A Mad Monk
Sherrielock Holmes
World-famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes had been summoned to the office of British Prime Minister David Lloyd George on the advice of Winston Churchill.
She was to undertake an important mission to Russia on behalf of the British Empire and the British Intelligence Service.
She was flown to Russia by aeroplane flown by her husband Dr. Louis Rocher.
She arrived in Saint Petersburg and set out for Moika Palace the home of Prince Felix Yusupov.
There she would deal with a man whom British Intelligence considered a major threat to both the Russian Empire and the Entente War effort against Imperial Germany, the Ottoman Empire and the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
However she was late getting to Moika Palace because she found herself being accosted by a horny American diplomat from the U.S. Embassy in Saint Petersburg.
The horny leech’s name was McDonald Grump and he had been a crooked real estate salesman and property developer in New York City as well as a notorious bully and racist.
Sherrielock tried to be as polite as she could but the horny leech would not take no for an answer.
Finally she kicked Grump in the balls and left him on the street.
“I plan to send a nasty telegram in 140 words or less about this,” Grump called out.
“Frankly, I don’t give a tweet,” Sherrielock answered as she continued to walk down the street without looking back.
“But I do,” Grump snivelled, “and I’ll have you know that someone like me will probably become President of the United States someday.”
“Probably not for another 100 years,” Sherrielock continued to walk down the street in the early morning hours of December 30th (December 17th on the old Julian calendar) 1916.
When she arrived at the home of Prince Felix Yusupov, she thought she had arrived too late to help eliminate the Russian Czarist government’s problem.
The problem individual had been offered cyanide cakes and tea by the prince.
The “problem” ate the cakes and drank the tea.
Then the “problem” man asked for Madeira wine which had also been poisoned.
He drank 3 glasses but still showed no sign of distress.
Around 2:30 AM, Yusopov went upstairs, returned with a pistol and shot the “problem” in the chest.
The “problem” fell to the floor.
Yusupov left and returned later to dispose of the body.
The “problem” rose up and attacked him.
He then ran out to the palace courtyard where the “problem” was shot twice by one of Yusupov’s co-conspirators.
The problem collapsed into a snow bank.
The prince and his co-conspirators wrapped the problem up in a blanket, drove to the Petrovsky Bridge and dropped the body in the Malaya Nevka River.
Sherrielock by some sort of instinct decided to take a walk along the Malaya Nevka River.
A good thing she did because at one point the “problem” man got up out of the ice bound river and attacked her.
Sherrielock Holmes about to be attacked.
Sherrielock used her scorpion poisoned laced pink fingernail polished fingernails to scratch the man’s arms.
He fell to the ground.
She pulled the man’s pants down and proceeded to tomato his buttocks with her Lingzhi Supernatural mushroom laced and English malt vinegar laced cat o’ nine tails whip.
The man finally gave up the ghost after crying, “My butt hurts.”
Sherrielock then picked up the body of the “mad monk” Grigori Rasputin and threw it back into the River.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 13th
2019.
Donald Trump: I’m The Second Coming of God and There’s Something Rotten In The State of Denmark
August 21, 2019 at 10:48 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, Donald Trump, Greenland, Lexington, Mette Frederiksen, The Kingdom of Denmark, The New King of Israel, The Second Coming of God, Underworld)
Donald Trump: I’m The Second Coming of God and There’s Something Rotten In The State of Denmark
Donald Trump was sitting up in his high chair in the White House dining room with a bib around his neck and his arms folded and was busy pouting, “Well, I’m not going to go to Denmark if I can’t buy Greenland. I’m going to cancel my state visit to Denmark so there.”
“Very good, sir,” Lexington his British butler and valet sighed, “Are you planning on finishing your mashed peas?”.
He pointed towards Trump’s plate.
“No, I’m not,” Trump answered in petulant fashion, “I don’t have to eat my mashed peas if I don’t want to.”
The President threw his spoon on the floor in a childish temper tantrum.
Lexington removed the spoon from the floor and the plate of mashed peas from the President’s high chair tray.
When Lexington left the room, Trump turned his attention to his long suffering teddy bear in the next high chair and started complaining to him, “WAAAAH! Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen called my offer to buy Greenland “absurd”. How dare she call it absurd! Calling it an absurd idea. That was a nasty thing to say. All she had to say was “no”. But she called it an absurd idea. That was so nasty! What sort of person goes around saying nasty things?”.
Trump picked up his smart phone and quickly tweeted that Jews who voted for the Democratic Party were “traitors”.
He also tweeted more uncomplimentary language about the 4 Democratic Congresswomen whom he now referred to as “AOC plus three”.
Lexington returned with Donald Trump’s dessert and put it down on the high chair tray in front of the President.
“Lexington!” Trump ordered, “I want you to call Ivanka and get her to summon an emergency meeting of the cabinet and national security council. I’m going to sign an Executive Order proclaiming that all Cinnamon Danish buns bought and sold in the U.S. can no longer be called Cinnamon Danish buns. They’ll have to be called Cinnamon Florida buns. Florida is a great state. Denmark isn’t. There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark.”
“Very good, sir,” Lexington left the dining room to call Ivanka.
Trump turned his attention back to his long suffering teddy bear, “Teddy, you know what a conservative political commentator said about me and Israeli Jews. He said Israeli Jews (who aren’t traitors) think of me as the new King of Israel and the Second Coming of God.”
Despite his inanimate state, the long suffering teddy bear grimaced into a sheer expression of horror (the same expression that Mr. Bean’s teddy bear had on his face the night Mr. Bean lost his virginity).
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 21st
2019.
Summoning the spirit behind the new King of Israel and the 2nd Coming of God
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