Of Soccer Players, Renfield and New Orleans Vampiresses
It was a hectic day in the colossal west London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Set himself had flown to Atlanta, Georgia to meet former U.S. President Jimmy Carter to discuss an emergency matter that had just come up (involving a WW1 German U-boat submarine).
The butler and valet Athelstan’s mother (who was staying as a guest in the house for a few days) was screaming in her sleep and awakening the whole house, “Oh yes, Senor Messi, yes! You’ve definitely got your balls in the right place. Keep going! Keep going!!”.
Athelstan went running into her room to wake her up, “I have the feeling that if people dream about the same thing, then FC Barcelona’s Lionel Messi is having one Hell of a nightmare.”
Renfield R. Renfield was once again working on a speech he was giving on global affairs in the British House of Commons this time warning that the enigmatic Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike was plotting a hostile takeover of Monsanto warning “that this would be a major threat to agricultural and food production in Africa and Asia given Mr. Pike’s racist and genocidal attitudes.”
And Amadeus Emanon was getting ready for a date with the New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont.
They were planning to go see a play featuring the great London stage actor Sir Carlton Hardisty.
The name of the play was An Evening In London On The Eve of Sarajevo 1914.
Amadeus walked into the mansion’s piano room where Angelique Dumont was waiting for him.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 20th
2017.
A Haitian Vampire Huntress, An Aztec Vampiress and A German WW1 U-Boat
A Haitian Vampire Huntress, An Aztec Vampiress and A German WW1 U-Boat
The Haitian vampire huntress Yoanna Soleil was working in her office in the Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince when her phone rang.
“Hello,” Yoanna picked up her phone.
“Mlle. Soleil, this is the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec,”
said the sensual feminine voice on the other end of the line.
“Well, well, your Imperial Highness,” Yoanna Soleil laughed, “this is a surprise. It’s not often that a vampire huntress gets a phone call from a vampiress. I must warn you however that I’m not like the heterosexual sex addict Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing nor am I lesbian or bisexual in my sexual orientation so you won’t be able to use your seductive, sexy and sensual vampiress charms on me.”
“That’s not what I’m calling about,” Qonzilqointec sounded exasperated, “my penthouse here in Mexico City has just been severely shaken by a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and from my vantage point way up high, I can see dozens of buildings around the city have collapsed.”
“I’m so sorry,” Yoanna Soleil was sincere for her own country had been hit by a devastating earthquake only 7 years ago.
“This is the 2nd major earthquake that has hit Mexico 🇲🇽 in the past 10 days,” the vampire princess sighed, “as you know an 8.2 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico back on September 8th.”
“I know,” Yoanna said then asked, “so why are you calling me?”.
“Well, I don’t have to tell you about all the major hurricanes that have been hitting the Caribbean region this season,” the Aztec vampiress stated.
“No you don’t,” Yoanna agreed.
“That’s why I’m calling you, Mlle. Soleil,” Qonzilqointec’s voice was pleading, “I think what’s been happening is connected. You are aware of course of the kraken Uhluhtc that sleeps at the bottom of the Caribbean Sea.”
Uhluhtc the sleeping Kraken at the bottom of the Caribbean Sea was considered just a legend among the educated elites of the Caribbean, Central America and Mexico.
However both vampiress and vampire huntress having dealt with things supernatural during their respective lifetimes knew that the kraken Uhluhtc was very much real.
“Yes,” Yoanna Soleil answered.
“Uhluhtc is not sleeping anymore,” the Aztec vampiress stated emphatically, “and that is what causing all these major earthquakes and major hurricanes of the moment. I propose we form an alliance to destroy it.”
. . .
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had received a confidential message from German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
“I wonder what this is all about?” Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan as he opened the sealed envelope marked TOP SECRET and CONFIDENTIAL.
“I have no idea, sir,” answered Athelstan who was sporting a black eye having had to rescue his elderly mother (who was currently visiting London) from a bar room brawl in a London pub the night before when she had once again got into a violent argument with another patron over matters relating to British and European football ⚽️ like she was prone to do.
“The courier said it had something to do with that World War One German UB-II U-Boat submarine they just found off the coast of Belgium 🇧🇪,” Amadeus Emanon spoke up from the neighbouring piano room.
“I heard about that,” Set answered, “what does that have to do with me? The tomb I was buried alive in for millennia wasn’t opened until Armistice Day in 1918 so I couldn’t have anything to do with the sinking of a German U-Boat submarine.”
“You have an excellent alibi in my opinion, sir,” Athelstan agreed.
“Oh my god Ra,” Set turned paler than even his usual pale looking vampiric self, “it’s who the German government believe was on board that U-Boat submarine that concerns me.”
“And who might that be, sir?” Athelstan inquired politely.
But Set was in such a state of shock that he was at a loss for words.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 19th
2017.
Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens
Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens
British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was making another speech to the UK 🇬🇧 House of Commons Parliamentary All-Party Foreign Affairs Committee after having read a blitheringly idiotic statement by Hollywood actor George Clooney on the Charlottesville incident.
Before his speech, Renfield held up for the committee a drawing he had done of George Clooney and various American late night talk show hosts sitting in a school classroom wearing DUNCE caps on their heads.
Said Renfield, “In consideration of the defining moment in history that Charlottesville has become on the road to a new global tyranny that seems to be emerging in the U.S. (political correctness taking the form of an all-encompassing Orwellian super state), we mustn’t be afraid to continuously give the assholes and idiots in the innately stupid American political establishment the raspberry they so richly deserve.”
Renfield took a sip of his martini (shaken not stirred in James Bond 007 fashion).
He continued.
“Now of course, Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klansmen are racist scumbags while the anarcho-communistic thugs and hooligans of Antifa are non-racist scumbags but that doesn’t mean that those belonging to Antifa are any less violence prone scumbags,” Renfield finished his martini 🍸, “to say otherwise is like saying that Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and Pol Pot weren’t such bad fellows after all since at least they weren’t racist like Adolf Hitler was.”
. . .
“It’s rather unfortunate that Cardinal Robert Sarah is black,” said the liberal Vatican 🇻🇦 Cardinal Walter Kasper, “if he was a white man, our great beloved and dear leader Pope Francis would have no qualms about immediately removing him from his post as Prefect of the Congregation For Divine Worship for suggesting such backwardly outdated ideas as priests should be allowed to say the old Latin Tridentine Mass if they wish and that furthermore the Mass should be said ad orientem (towards the East- where Christ is said to return according to our outdated Biblical mythology which is so definitely pre-Vatican II).”
“I wholeheartedly agree,” said Cardinal Reinhard Marx (who lived up to his family name).
. . .
In Rome, the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris was reading a book 📖 called How To Spot A Good Kraken From A Bad Kraken.
His smart phone went off and he answered it.
It was his wife and sister-in-law the Egyptian Vampiress Isis calling from Paris.
“Darling,” Isis breathed into the phone, “I want you to come to Paris and meet the Kraken Napoleon VI and his lovely wife Medusa.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 18th
2017.
. . .
Dulcinea Lucia and The Vampiric Knights-Templar
Dulcinea Lucia and The Vampiric Knights-Templar
Once Private Eyes 👀 Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley decided to take the case for Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and search for the 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar who survived French King 👑 Philip the Fair’s Friday October 13th 1307 raid on Jacques de Molay and his fellow Knights-Templars, they started where most Private Eyes would when confronted with such a case.
They went to see a gypsy fortune 🔮 teller.
And a young beautiful and sexy one at that.
Dulcinea Lucia the gypsy fortune teller of London’s Carnaby Street.
When they entered her shop, they discovered she was dressed like Elvira the popular American horror movie show hostess of the 1980s- a black evening dress slit at the sides from thigh to ankle, black silk pantyhose and black spiked stiletto high heeled shoes.
This would thus be an interview both men would enjoy.
Dulcinea Lucia told Agathor and Magog that the 13 Knights had managed to escape King Philip’s Friday the 13th raid by being in a Paris brothel at the time.
When informed of the raid, the 13 knights went south to the village of Rennes-le-Chateau in the Languedoc region of southern France 🇫🇷.
“Any idea, why there?” Agathor asked.
“One of Jesus’ cousins is buried in a grave there,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.
“The Jesus?” The Marxist atheist former Labour MP Magog raised an eyebrow.
“Yes,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.
“How did they become vampires?” Agathor asked.
“The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was in the village of Rennes-le-Chateau at the time,” Dulcinea Lucia answered, “she bit each man on the neck and turned them into vampires on the evening of October 23rd 1307 – 10 days after Philip the Fair’s Friday the 13th October raid on all the lodges and temples of the Knights-Templar in France.”
“And have those 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar survived since then?” Magog queried.
“7 of them were slain inside the Episcopalian Cathedral of St. John The Divine in New York City on Friday October the 13th 2006 while attending a Meatloaf concert being held at the central altar of the cathedral,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.
“The Meat Loaf?” Agathor asked.
“Yes,” Dulcinea Lucia nodded, “the one who sang Bat 🦇 Out of Hell, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad, I’d Do Anything For Love and Rock And Roll 🎸 Dreams Come Through.”
“And they had a Meat Loaf concert right at the central altar?” Asked Magog who had visited the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City with Agathor on their recent U.S. trip where they had encountered Shiva the Hindu god of destruction and transformation at that very same central altar.
“It was more of a Knights-Templar Illuminati satanic ceremony where they were going to sacrifice Meat Loaf to the Baphomet because Baphomet wanted both a singer and a meatloaf dish for his birthday so the Illuminati and the Knights-Templar were going to give him a 2 for 1 special,” Dulcinea Lucia opened her book of meatloaf recipes.
“And you said that 7 of the Vampiric Knights Templar were slain at that Friday the 13th October 2006 Meatloaf sacrifice ceremony in the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine?” Agathor questioned.
“Yes, the 7 who attended the ceremony,” Dulcinea smoothed her dress, “the other 6 were still in their New York City 🌃 hotel rooms recovering from severe hangovers the night before- hangovers that saved their lives in the long run.”
“Who slew the 7 Vampire Knights that attended the ceremony?” Agathor asked.
“That was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the mighty Lakota Sioux vampire huntress Jennifer Cochran,” Dulcinea Lucia smiled, “both of them were Meat Loaf fans.”
“Of the singer or the dish?” Magog inquired.
“Both,” Dulcinea Lucia smiled and winked.
A bell went off in the kitchen behind her gypsy 🔮 ball reading room.
“If you’ll excuse me, gentlemen,” Dulcinea Lucia stood up, “my own meatloaf is ready. Unless you care to join me.”
They did.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 17th
2017.
Haiku About Jesus In Today’s World
Haiku About Jesus In Today’s World
Jesus’ tomb empty
as many human hearts are
empty of Jesus
Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall
Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall
One of Hillary Clinton’s witch friends had a magic mirror on the wall that was able to correctly answer any question.
Hillary, having written her book called What Happened in which she blamed everyone and everything except for the kitchen sink (well actually she did include the kitchen sink!) for her electoral defeat, had decided to ask the magic mirror who was the one primarily responsible for her devastating defeat.
She went over to the magic mirror on the wall and asked,
Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?
Was it the FBI’s James Comey,
the Russians,
Green Party candidate Jill Stein,
Bernie Sanders (for having the audacity to run against me in the primaries)…
Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?
Having asked the question, she awaited the answer as the mirror glass turned to mist and fog.
Then the fog cleared and Hillary looked at the image that was the answer.
“What the Hell? What’s my own image doing reflecting back at me?” Hillary shrieked as the mirror cracked.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 14th
2017.
Vampiress Priestess of Baal Hires Two London Private Eyes
Vampiress Priestess of Baal Hires Two London Private Eyes
Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were both sitting in their newly opened London office.
Agathor Christie had been the sitting incumbent British Conservative MP for the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds until he got defeated by British Transhumanist Party candidate Renfield R. Renfield in this past June’s UK 🇬🇧 General Election.
Magog Rhys Petley had been been the sitting incumbent British Labour MP for the constituency of Newbridge in Wales until he got defeated by British Transhumanist Party candidate Morgana Fay Lee in this past June’s UK 🇬🇧 General Election.
Since both men (although from different parties) had lost their respective parliamentary seats to candidates for the up and coming British Transhumanist Party, they decided to take a post-defeat consolation tour of the U.S. together.
Now back in London, both men decided to open up a private detective firm together since it turned out that, as children, both had loved reading Raymond Chandler’s Philip Marlowe private eye novels and stories.
After officially opening the office and helping themselves to both bourbon 🥃 and cigars, they sat back in their respective comfortable leather upholstered mahogany armchairs and waited for their first client to walk through the door.
The story on BBC World News they watched on the office television was about a Kraken rising out of Lake Okanagan in British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley and walking through a grape 🍇 and wine 🍷 orchard near the city of West Kelowna and eating grapes 🍇 and drinking bottles of wine.
It then grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary as Our Lady of Lourdes from the orchard gardens and took the statue with him back into the lake.
The vineyard owner speculated that the Kraken might be the lake’s famed sea serpent lake monster Ogopogo who was said to have haunted the lake for centuries.
“Certainly a lot of krakens rising up all over the place these days,” Agathor quipped.
“There are,” Magog quickly downed his glass of bourbon, “nasty business that.”
“I wonder if some beautiful woman femme fatale will walk in through the door wearing a tight fitting dress like always happens in Philip Marlowe stories?” Agathor asked as he polished off his glass of bourbon.
“I wonder,” Magog re-filled his glass.
At that moment, a beautiful dark haired and dark eyed woman wearing a tight fitting Phoenician purple evening dress and a diamond 💎 necklace with the diamonds cut into the shape of human skulls around her neck walked into their office with the sharp click of spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes 👠.
“I am the Vampiress Allatallahbel the Priestess of Baal,” said the incredibly sexy and beautiful female figure standing in front of them, “I’m here to hire you to find the last of the band of 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar -13 individuals who were the sole escaping survivors of French King Philip the Fair’s Friday October 13th 1307 raid on Jacques de Molay and his fellow Knights-Templar.”
“Well that answers the question you asked a few minutes ago,” Magog addressed Agathor as he finished yet another glass of bourbon.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 13th
2017.
Osiris Meets Yemaya In Rome
The Egyptian vampire Osiris was walking the streets of Rome where he lived.
His wife and sister Isis still lived in Paris.
A family reunion between the pair from a few years back didn’t go so well as planned so the two were now living separately.
As for his evil brother and brother-in-law Set, he was a multi-billionaire and living in London.
And one of Set’s former employees Renfield R. Renfield was now being touted as the next Prime Minister of Great Britain- which really didn’t bode well for the state of the world.
Osiris had received a call from Pope Francis this morning (while Osiris was asleep in his sarcophagus) asking if he’d call a press conference and condemn Donald Trump for not believing in climate change.
The Egyptian deity said he’d get back to Francis on that.
But now it was evening. The sun was down and Osiris was free to walk the streets.
As Osiris walked down the street, a peacock strutted by.
“Wow, peacocks really are proud,” Osiris said to himself.
Then a vulture flew by.
“Wow, that’s not a very promising sign,” Osiris thought, “rather ominous in fact.”
He stopped in front of a fountain filled with algae and all sorts of flowers and plants around the fountain.
The fountain sprayed Osiris and Osiris felt the taste of salt water rather than fresh water which was unusual for a fountain in Rome.
Then a face arose from the waters.
“Who are you?” Osiris asked.
“I am Yemaya the goddess of the seas and oceans,” replied the figure.
Osiris had recalled reading somewhere that an orisha (divine spirit) was the goddess of the ocean and seas in the Afro-Caribbean Yoruba religion as well as Haitian vodou, Louisiana voodoo and Santeria.
“What do you want with me?” Osiris asked.
“You should know, Osiris, husband of Isis the Egyptian goddess and divine queen of the seas, that krakens are rising everywhere,” Yemaya stated, “arising in both fresh and salt water.”
From Yemaya’s tone of voice, Osiris gathered that krakens arising was obviously a major problem to be concerned about.
Meanwhile on Mount Olympus, Zeus was muttering in his sleep, “Release the Kraken. Release the Kraken.”
Athena said to Hermes, “He is speaking in the singular and not the plural, isn’t he?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 12th
2017.
Waterton Lakes, Wind and Fire
Waterton Lakes, Wind 💨 and Fire 🔥
Waterton Lakes, Wind and Fire 🔥
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith had been regarded as a storm goddess in the nations of the ancient Middle East.
When U. S. President George W. Bush in his first inaugural address asked, “Do you not think an angel rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm?” he was referring to Lilith.
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had recently pissed Lilith off and so had to go.
Attacks on the Twin Towers in New York would ensure an eventual U.S. invasion of Iraq and the toppling of Saddam.
Now Lilith was hoping to raise an ancient ally in North America.
A kraken at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake in Waterton Lakes National Park in southern Alberta on the Alberta-Montana Canada-U.S. border.
The kraken’s name was Tutsokiua and had been asleep at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake for 5000 years.
One of the ways of raising Tutsokiua was having a wildfire reach the lake where he resided.
Lilith had already caused a wildfire to burn down the Sperry Chalet in nearby Glacier National Park in Montana.
Glacier National Park had been the site of a U.S. House of Episcopalian Bishops meeting back in the mid-1960s which considered having a heresy trial for Episcopal Bishop James Albert Pike one of her most ardent and committed supporters.
The House of Bishops decided not to go through with the heresy trial but Lilith still decided to get revenge some day anyways.
It was in the dining room of the Sperry Chalet that a group of anti-Pike Anglo-Catholic Episcopal Bishops plotted their strategy.
Lilith after seducing Zeus swiped one of his lightning ⛈ bolts ⚡️ and ignited the Sprague Fire 🔥 by lightning on August 10th.
The fire spread and burnt down the Sperry Chalet (opened in 1914 by the Great Northern Railway) on August 31st.
The Kenow wildfire was Lilith’s weapon to raise the kraken Tutsokiua from the depths of Upper Waterton Lake.
After seducing Zeus again (Zeus was such an easy target 🎯 for her sultry sexy seductive charms), she swiped another lightning ⛈ bolt ⚡️ and started the Kenow wildfire back on September 1st with a lightning strike in the Flathead Valley just across the border from the national park in the province of British Columbia.
The fire 🔥 was spreading through the Akamina Valley and was expected to cross the Alberta-B.C. border into the Cameron Valley in Alberta’s Waterton Lakes National Park today.
Lilith who was riding in the wind 💨 behind this storm (but former U.S. President George W. Bush was too busy being a spectator at NFL Football 🏈 games to notice this time) was hoping to drive the fire towards the Prince of Wales Hotel on Upper Waterton Lake by the middle of this week.
The Prince of Wales Hotel opened in 1927 having been built by the U.S. Great Northern Railway to lure American tourists during the Prohibition era.
The hotel was named after the Prince of Wales (the future King Edward VIII) in a transparent attempt to entice him to stay in the hotel on his 1927 Canadian tour but the prince stayed at a nearby ranch instead.
Lilith felt that if the 90-year-old hotel burnt to the ground that this would generate sufficient atmospheric chaos to cause the kraken Tutsokiua to arise from his sleep 😴 at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake.
Then burning the Prince of Wales Hotel (named after the obnoxious future King Edward VIII) to the ground would be another act of personal revenge on Lilith’s part.
Years ago when she was at a formal dinner and dance 💃🏻 in England back in the 1930s, she was expecting the Prince of Wales to ask her to dance but instead he asked that floozy Mrs. Wallis Simpson.
Hell definitely has no fury like a Lilith scorned.
As for her ardent supporter and admirer the late Episcopal bishop James Albert Pike, he was now a confirmed believer in the existence of Hell (a doctrine that he denied during his earthly lifetime).
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 11th
2017.
