Pan Goatee Has A Mental Breakdown
Satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee had not been venturing out of the house much in this turbulent off and on again spring weather.
Which was fine with him as the city these days seemed to be crawling with loads of ugly looking white women which put the lie to the myth that was white racial supremacy.
He had been watching episodes of The Young and The Restless which caused one of his roommates to remark, “There are only two kinds of people I know who watch soap operas- women. And you.”
Tonight however he would have to venture forth to the store as he had run out of fudgesickles and chocolate bars.
As he made his way to the freezer section, an ugly looking white woman happened to walk by the spot where the fudgesickles were.
Odious creatures.
These Hellspawn from the depths of Tartarus no doubt did those sorts of things deliberately just to agitate him.
He had to wait for a beautiful looking immigrant woman to walk by to remove the voodoo spell on the spot that was cast by the walking dandelion from Hell.
He grabbed the sole remaining box of 30 fudgesickles for $8 that was left.
No doubt the rest had all been snapped up by the city’s fat ugly blimps with the entire package serving as the first course of a 39-course meal for all fat ugly blimps concerned.
He then went to get his chocolate bars.
When he returned to the front, the ugly dandelion from Hell was at his favourite cashier.
Stupid ugly looking bitch.
He would now have to go over to his 2nd favourite cashier to avoid standing in line behind the ugly looking freak that no doubt would be honoured with a coin minted of her looks since Justin Trudeau seemed to enjoy minting coins depicting total freaks ever since he became Prime Minister of Canada in that disastrous year of 2015.
Justin’s latest coin unveiled today had caused British MP Renfield R. Renfield to quip, “In Canada, rather than rendering unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, they believe in rendering unto sodomites the things that are sodomites’.”
Unfortunately, the people ahead of him had a great deal of stuff they were ringing through.
Not of course as much as the city’s fat ugly blimps who normally had 20 grocery carts stacked high to the ceiling with food with them.
Just then a beautiful looking immigrant woman went and stood behind the ugly looking dandelion from Hell at his favourite cashier.
He decided to go stand behind her since she would remove the voodoo spell being cast by the ugly looking dandelion from Hell.
The ugly looking dandelion from Hell was of course taking her sweet time figuring out how to use the debit machine.
Like all ugly looking women in the city, she was not only ugly but stupid as well.
By the time the ugly dandelion from Hell had figured out how to use the debit machine, her equally brainless husband (he was brainless for being married to the likes of her) had finished packing the groceries.
Off went the ugly dandelion from Hell and her brainless husband who held the Guinness World Record For Lousy Taste In Women.
Pan Goatee packed up his fudgesickles and chocolate bars and headed out the door.
He thought he had seen the last of the ugly dandelion from Hell.
But the ugly thing then came walking out of the Dollarama store next door and then started following behind Goatee.
Goatee had had enough of this degenerately botched abortion at this point.
He removed his laser machete and started carving up the ugly looking dandelion from Hell starting with her ugly face.
“You ugly looking thing, can’t you get it through your stupid ugly heads that satyrs or any being from classical Greece can’t stand being in your presence,” Goatee went livid, “what just because you’re blonde, you think you’re beautiful? You’re no Marilyn Monroe, you peroxide washed green haired gargoyle who was certified as being too ugly for Notre Dame. A transgendered looking Yoda would come across as being of Helen of Troy in her looks compared to the likes of you.”
Goatee continued to rage as he cut her up into 666 trillion x 666 sextillion pieces.
Krampus the 2nd who had arrived on the scene to gather up the pieces of the ugly looking dandelion from Hell to cast them into the flames of Tartarus became quite concerned about Goatee’s mental state.
Goatee turned the corner and came across the stupid husband of the ugly looking dandelion from Hell.
He was sitting in the passenger side of the car waiting for her to show up.
“What you brainless Neanderthal with the taste of a Philistine, you mean to say you let your ugly looking wife wear the pants in the family and sit in the driver’s seat?” Goatee then started dismembering the brainless husband.
By the time he was finished, the DARPA sanity squad arrived on the scene to take Pan Goatee to a clinic for psychiatric assessment.
Donald Trump was informed of the DARPA contract assassin’s mental breakdown a few hours later.
“And who is this Pan Goatee again?” Trump asked, “What does he do?”
“He kills ugly looking women,” the DARPA operative replied.
“No wonder he had a mental breakdown,” Trump sympathized, “In this day and age, that would be a full time job.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 23rd
2019.
Asmodeus In London
The heavy cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus was in London, England having lunch with his compatriots the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and her little green frog companion Nimrod (who was the Nimrod of Book of Genesis fame reduced to an amphibian).
“Has there been a revival of Eostre worship in this day and age?” Asmodeus asked Lilith.
Eostre was the name of an Anglo-Saxon goddess worshipped by Anglo-Saxons in England.
The early medieval English Church historian Bede had mentioned in his 8th Century manuscript The Reckoning of Time that during the month of Eosturmonabp (the Anglo-Saxon equivalent of the Roman month of April), the pagan Anglo-Saxons had held feasts in Eostre’s honour but during Bede’s time, this had been replaced by the Christian Paschal month a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus.
Tales associated with the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre included bunny rabbits laying eggs.
As The Guardian Newspaper writer and former Catholic Herald editor Peter Stanford ate a chocolate covered Baphomet at a table sitting across from them, Nimrod noticed on the television in the restaurant a news story about a woman telling Pope Francis that she had seven children.
Pope Francis admonished the woman that one shouldn’t go around breeding like rabbits.
At that point, a giant bunny rabbit hopped by in Saint Peter’s Square and laid a rainbow coloured egg on top of the Pope’s head.
Peter Stanford started choking on his chocolate covered Baphomet.
“I hadn’t heard there was a revival in Eostre worship?” Lilith looked perplexed, “Why do you ask?”.
“Well, there were headlines on both ABC News and The Washington Post that Tourists, Easter worshippers lament closing of Notre Dame. Then after the attack on churches and western tourist hotels in Sri Lanka that killed at least 290 people and injured 500 others, Barack Obama tweeted, The attack on tourists and Easter worshippers in Sri Lanka are an attack on humanity. And Hillary Clinton tweeted, I’m praying for everyone affected by today’s horrific attack on Easter worshippers and travellers in Sri Lanka. And Fox News talked about the attack on Easter worshippers in Sri Lanka that left so many dead. I was wondering with all these references to Easter worshippers if the worship of Eostre had been revived.”
“Well, you as a demon can’t mention aloud the Name of Jesus Christ can you?” Lilith smiled.
Asmodeus struggled to say the name but eventually gave up.
“Well, just like you as a demon can’t say the name of Jesus Christ, the Vatican’s chief exorcist for so many years Father Gabriel Amorth (who definitely had a 24/7 full time job performing exorcisms at the Vatican) noted that mortals who are under demonic influences likewise have trouble saying the name Jesus Christ. So since the term Christian has Christ in it, no doubt ABC News, The Washington Post, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Fox News can’t bring themselves to say that Christians were killed in the bombings so they use the term Easter worshippers instead.”
Peter Stanford who seemed to be having a wrestling match with his chocolate covered Baphomet quickly left the restaurant.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 22nd
2019.
Reblog of MY GOOD OLD DAYS
An excellent short story written by Priscilla.
I took the flowers from the windowsill, grabbed a cup of coffee and trudged to the sitting room. My little angels roamed around with their tiny feet’s, i could hardly focus on the movie i was watching. My phone rang – Mum,displayed as the callers ID.
A rash eagerness engulfed me and i picked up. In glee, i screamed “hello mum!” As though it was still 2005 when i had finished my secondary school and was waiting for my JAMB results to determine if i was to go to college or not. “ah!…its me, the Gen man” the person said and i froze as though my mum could actually call me just as she did each time i stayed for prep after school. “Hello Jennifer, my daughter how are you?…may God grant you wisdom, knowledge, understanding, high intelligence, smartness…” and she would go on and on…
View original post 1,153 more words
Renfield Discusses Day of Fires
Renfield R. Renfield MP was having a Saturday night dinner with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.
Renfield mentioned, “So, I just found out last night that there was a fire at the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem at the exact same time as the fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.”
“I didn’t know that,” Amadeus stopped in the middle of eating his salmon.
“It received almost no news coverage in the world on that day other than in the Middle East,” Renfield explained.
“What a strange coincidence that was,” Angelique reflected, “that two major centers of worship- Notre Dame in Paris and the al-Aqsa in Jerusalem would both have fires that same day.”
“Was Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s escaped basilisk responsible for the fire at the al-Aqsa mosque as well as that at Notre Dame?” Amadeus asked.
“Well, Dr. Rocher had implanted a GPS signal in the basilisk’s DNA so he’d know its location- technology which both the Chinese government and the U.S. government are currently fighting to develop so they can be the first to implement the Mark of the Beast system that no human being will be able to buy or sell without the Mark of the Beast in their DNA,” Renfield mentioned, “the GPS in Basilisk Wrathsbone’s DNA was picked up by sensors in the lobster claws of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster. Apparently the basilisk was nowhere near the al-Aqsa mosque at the time the fire started like it was at the exact location of Notre Dame when that fire started.”
“So I wonder who started the fire at the al-Aqsa mosque?” Angelique pondered aloud.
. . .
The commander of the Vampiric Knights-Templar Sir Boyle of Olay was speaking to Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.
“Our efforts to burn down the al-Aqsa mosque this past Monday were sadly put to nought,” Sir Boyle of Olay commented, “the fire was finally brought under control. So we will have to wait a wee bit longer for the Temple of Solomon to be rebuilt. Even though most of Israel’s leading kabbalistic rabbis are sick of waiting.”
“It will take a while longer then for the god Baal to get his statue back up on the Temple Mount like it was when Solomon succumbed to the foreign influences of some of his 700 wives and 300 concubines and started erecting statues of his wives’ and concubines’ deities in the Temple,” Allatallahbell looked unhappy.
“We should never have brought the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow along on our mission,” Sir Boyle of Olay sighed, “He went and lost his head again. And as a result picked up bottles of coconut milk instead of cannisters of gasoline down at the Old City market. So we didn’t have enough fuel to start a real raging inferno.”
. . .
Today’s date.
Holy Saturday.
The Nazi vampire Franz Kohler of the SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau lit a cigarette.
April 20th.
Der Fuhrer’s birthday.
It had been a Holy Saturday as well – April 20th- in the year 1889- when Der Fuhrer had been born.
Now exactly 130 years later- Der Fuhrer’s birthday – was a Holy Saturday again.
Fires at Notre Dame in Paris and the al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem earlier in the week- both on the same day of Holy Week.
This was surely a sign from the Cosmos that there was something providential about this particular Holy Saturday as well.
Kohler’s cigarette went out.
He lit it again as the voice of a wolf howled on one hill.
And the voice of a jackal howled on the other.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 20th
2019.
Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal:
Waiting in time for the rebuilt Temple of Solomon
Roast Basilisk In Hell’s Kitchen
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing flying the winged horse Pegasus had won the showdown in the Libyan desert with the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone and his rider the dark arts practicing Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai this past Wednesday.
The ghost of Howard Cosell had been on the scene doing commentary for the underworld based Baphomet Broadcasting Network until he succumbed to spectral laryngitis.
Qonzilqointec had doused the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone with Odour of Weasel Perfume sending the genetically recreated satanic beast plunging to its death in the desert sands.
The evil Jesuit Father Caiaphas bar Yochai had survived the fall due to the combination of basilisk venom and extra strong Starbucks dark roasted coffee he had imbibed prior to combat.
The evil priest was not to get off scott free however for Dracul Van Helsing had used the Sword of Saint George to stab the Baphomet worshipping cleric in his phallus.
After Dwayne the Rock Johnson arrived on the scene to declare Qonzilqointec and Dracul the winners, the couple flew off to the Queen Cleopatra Hotel in Alexandria where they spent an evening of tantric sex together.
Star Wars Star Troopers had arrived from Set Enterprises in London to return the basilisk’s body to Britain.
Father Caiaphas bar Yochai managed to catch an Uber ride with an Islamic State terrorist to Paris, France.
There the now swordless Jesuit looked up the ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis since she had previous experience in creating wooden phalluses having created one for her husband Osiris since that was the one part of his 14 missing body parts (after he was dismembered by their brother Set) that she was unable to find.
The American Jesuit priest Father James J. Martin SJ held a Requiem Mass for Father Caiaphas’ fleshly phallus as he had rather fond memories of it.
The basilisk’s body was delivered to Chef Gordon Ramsay and some of his previous winners on the TV program Hell’s Kitchen.
The Rothschilds and some of their business associates were holding a buffet luncheon dinner this Good Friday in London and thought roast basilisk would be just the thing.
Chef Gordon Ramsay and his Hell’s Kitchen crew were brought in to prepare it.
“It tastes like chicken,” one of the Rothschild associates remarked.
“That’s because basilisk is part rooster as well as part serpent,” Chef Gordon Ramsay explained.
Meanwhile the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was worried whether his company would face a law suit as his company’s chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was responsible for creating this basilisk that caused the fire at Notre Dame this past Monday April 15th 2019 when the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone (driven by the evil Father Caiaphas bar Yochai) breathed venomous fire on repair scaffolding at the cathedral.
However no one on the Paris scene suspected a basilisk as basilisks really hadn’t been around for the past 500 years until Dr. Cadbury Rocher recreated one.
Meanwhile over in France, the ancient Greek god Zeus was having a meeting with French President Emmanuel Macron.
“Monsieur le Presidente,” Zeus spoke impeccable French as he had spent the greater part of the Age of Louis XIV deflowering the loveliest of the French courtesans before the Sun King had the chance to do so, “you may not know this but Notre Dame was built over the site of a Temple of Jupiter. Jupiter was of course the name under which the ancient Romans worshipped me. So I was wondering if you could place a replica of my altar at Pergamum at the top of the new Notre Dame where the old spire and Cross used to be before it collapsed in the towering inferno.”
President Macron, who was busy mentally calculating the age of Zeus’ wife Hera and figuring that she must still be a pretty good looking woman judging from her statues, replied, “Why don’t we discuss this over souvlaki and ouzo?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 19th
2019.
The Greek goddess Hera: Still an extremely good looking woman
Renfield Handles Eco-Anarchist Extremists
For the second day in a row, environmentalist whacko eco-anarchists had glued themselves to the outsides of trains and buses in metropolitan London to force the government to do something about climate change.
As Renfield told BBC News later, “If the government isn’t going to listen to boring and badly written encyclicals by Pope Francis’ ghost writers on the subject, what makes them think they’ll listen to idiots who act as supreme nuisances for the public transit system?”.
Once again, long haired and bearded idiots of both genders and the various degrees of undefined genders had glued themselves to the outsides of a train in hopes of slowing down public transit (thereby drawing attention to their cause) as various brigades of emergency responders worked overtime to unglue the eco-anarchists.
On this particular day however, Renfield R. Renfield MP needed to get somewhere in a hurry by train.
“What’s the hold up?” Renfield growled as he got off the train.
“Another group of radical environmentalists have glued themselves to the outside side of the train, we’re waiting for emergency responders to come unglue them,” a London bobby explained.
“Me and the British public don’t have time for that,” Renfield growled again.
He walked up to the front locomotive of the train, stepped up and flashed his ID to the engineer.
“As one of the co-chairpersons of the House of Commons COBRA Emergency Committee,” Renfield explained, “I’m requisitioning this train.”
“Requisitioning this train?” Were the engineer’s words before he found himself out of the driver’s seat and replaced by Renfield.
“I have places to go and promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep,” Renfield paraphrased American poet Robert Frost as he started up the train engine.
“But there are people who have glued themselves outside to the side of this train,” the engineer protested.
“Well, it just isn’t their day is it?” Renfield remarked, “They probably should have stayed in bed this morning.”
As Renfield put his foot on the accelerator, it suddenly dawned on the eco-anarchists glued to the side of the train what was happening.
“The streets are alive with the sound of screaming,” Julie Andrews’ character of Maria from The Sound of Music would have probably sung had she been there.
The eco-activists’ screams seemed to accelerate in intensity with the acceleration of the train particularly as it rapidly approached the entrance of the oncoming tunnel.
The eco-anarchists, used to being coddled by the media, fawned over by Pope Francis and tweeted against by idiots on the other far side of the spectrum like Donald Trump weren’t used to being in the presence of someone who actually took concrete action like Renfield R. Renfield.
And speaking of concrete action, the eco-anarchists’ body parts and blood created quite the nouveau nouveau art splash on the concrete sides of the tunnel’s entrance as the train came racing through.
A quick call to the Saudi Embassy in London from Renfield’s phone and janitorial staff from the embassy who also served as members of the Saudi Secret Service were dispatched to clean up the mess before members of the British Heritage Trust had the chance to judge the splatter as a “remarkable example of modern art” and declare the mess a “national treasure” to be preserved for posterity.
Later that night, a spokesperson for 10 Downing Street said he expected the number of persons who would volunteer to glue themselves to the sides of trains and buses would probably drop to nil in the foreseeable future.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 18th
2019.
Notre Dame Reflections
“Hold the Cross high so I may continue to see it through the flames.”
-Joan of Arc
France’s national leader Emmanuel Macron held a somewhat different opinion than that held by France’s national saint when it comes to dealing with situations regarding fire.
The globalist New World Order leader and noted admirer of cougars who was promising to rebuild Notre Dame within 5 years (just in time for the 2024 Summer Olympics that Mr. Macron naturally visualized himself presiding over) thought that the new Notre Dame should reflect multicultural diversity rather than Catholicism.
Fortunately for Mr. Macron, he was not alone in holding to such idiocy.
One of the editors of Rolling Stone magazine likewise postulated that a rebuilt Notre Dame should reflect multiculturalism and multifaith diversity rather than the country’s Catholic past.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster safely prophesied that the editor would not be calling on the Islamic mosques at Mecca and Medina to do the same thing- that the mosques should be rebuilt to reflect multiculturalism and multifaith diversity rather than the country’s Islamic past.
Said Renfield, “That is a safe prophecy to make. The rolling stoned editor knows that if he were to bloody well suggest that, he’d find himself being bodily dismembered by Saudi assassins who work part time as janitorial staff at Saudi embassies and consulates throughout the world.”
A professor of architecture at Harvard University had likewise suggested much the same thing- that Notre Dame should be a multicultural center rather than a symbol of Catholicism.
Noted Renfield, “Just last week I heard a commentator on the state of advanced education in the U.S. say that Harvard and Yale are no longer the institutions of culture and higher learning that they used to be. I guess that assessment is 100% correct.”
One reporter on the scene at Notre Dame commented, “The day after the night before at Notre Dame de Paris, the High Altar stands untouched with its gleaming Cross, along with the figure of the weeping Madonna holding her dead son Jesus in her arms. Meanwhile the modern altar installed after Vatican II lays buried under rubble from the collapsed roof.”
Pope Francis had already retreated to his room in the Vatican to put on sackcloth and ashes upon hearing what had happened to the modern altar.
Government surveyors from Emmanuel Macron’s office were already on the scene visualizing the rebuilding of the new Notre Dame- a statue of an Islamic State terrorist blowing himself up along with statues of tourists at a Parisienne sidewalk cafe being killed by the debris, a statue of Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith Jr. rolling a marijuana joint with the angel Moroni and statues of L. Ron Hubbard eloping with Jack Parsons’ mistress while Aleister Crowley looks on approvingly.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 17th
2019.
Renfield Vs. Crowley Idolizing Jesuits: Vengeance For The Basilisk Attack On Notre Dame
After Dr. Cadbury Rocher was handed over to his great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to get his buns tomatoed for genetically creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame, Renfield was busy tracking down the Aleister Crowley admiring Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai the dark arts practicing sorcerer who flew the basilisk named Basilisk Wrathsbone that set fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with his fiery venomous breath.
Father Caiaphas worked in the Antiquities Section of the Vatican Museum, headed the Rome chapter of the O.T.O. (Ordo Templi Orientis) and served as an advisor on papal liturgies for the Mass to Pope Francis.
Renfield found out in between blood curdling screams screamed by Dr. Rocher in Sherrielock’s dungeon below the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion that the odour of the weasel was apparently fatal to the basilisk.
Renfield bought a bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume from a discount drug store in London’s Soho district.
He went down to Set Enterprises laboratory and got Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to visualize the current location of the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone.
The Baphomet worshipping Jesuit Father Caiaphas bar Yochai had apparently flown the basilisk to Libya for safety after the disastrous choice he made in getting the basilisk to set fire to Notre Dame with its fiery venomous breath.
The basilisk was a big hit with some of the Islamist terrorist militants there who shouted “Allah akbar!” when Notre Dame went up in flames.
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had volunteered to fight the basilisk and Father Caiaphas.
Qonzilqointec and Dracul had flown to Amman Jordan to meet Pegasus the winged horse (also genetically recreated by Dr. Cadbury Rocher) who would be their steed in battling the evil basilisk and its evil Jesuit rider.
Pegasus was currently owned by Queen Rania of Jordan.
Aztec vampiress and Canadian slayer returned to London on Pegasus.
There the Aztec vampiress picked up the bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume from Renfield to slay the evil basilisk and Dracul picked up the authentic sword of Saint George the Dragonslayer from The Old Curiosity Shop (of Dickensonian fame) to slay the evil Jesuit.
Then they were off to Libya for the final showdown.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec: With a small bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume in her purse, she’s off to Libya on Pegasus to slay the evil basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 16th
2019.
The Basilisk and The Fire At Notre Dame Cathedral
Set Enterprises’ resident sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher entered British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s office with a face whiter than a ghost.
“Your face is whiter than I am,” the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill remarked.
“And me as well,” commented the ghost of Orson Welles who was still in a state of shock over the fact that someone commenting on Dracul Van Helsing’s blog had never heard of him Orson Welles.
“And whiter than I am,” added the ghost of the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin who had dropped into Renfield’s office just for the Hell of it.
“It’s this fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris,” Rocher sat down and helped himself to a bottle of Renfield’s whiskey.
“A devastating tragedy for all of humanity,” Renfield agreed.
And the ghosts of Churchill, Amin and Welles nodded their assent.
Within seconds, Amin’s ghost was chased back to the Underworld by Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus since it was Underworld policy that dictators and despots inclined to ethnic genocide should not be allowed to leave the place.
Amin returned to his spit alongside King Leopold II of Belgium down in Tartarus.
“Look at these photos someone text messaged me an hour ago,” Dr. Rocher showed Renfield his phone.
“Unholy smoke, Batman!” Renfield exclaimed, “They show a Jesuit priest (wearing his Jesuit robes and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Aleister Crowley) riding a medieval basilisk and setting fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with the basilisk’s fiery venom.”
“But I thought basilisks died out with the end of the Middle Ages,” Churchill bit the end of his spectral cigar, “so the Renaissance pope Julius II wrote in his diary when he hired Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel in celebration of the death of the last basilisk.”
“Undoubtedly one of those evil 21st Century Transhumanist scientists has genetically re-created a basilisk again just to show the world they could do it,” Welles sipped a spectral glass of red wine.
“That would be me,” Dr. Rocher did a bad impersonation of American comic Bob Newhart whenever the comedian was caught with his pants down- metaphorically speaking (unlike Bill Clinton).
“You recreated a basilisk?” Renfield was shocked (and resolved never to screw in a lightbulb on his own again).
“I did,” Dr. Rocher held his head in shame, “just to show the world I could do it.”
“What did I tell you?” Welles’ ghost finished his wine and thought back to a radio commercial he once did about frozen peas growing in the ground in Norway in mid-July.
“Oh, shut up, Orson,” Churchill’s ghost was getting irritated.
“And you let this Jesuit have it?” Renfield wiped his spectacles, “Don’t you know that a great multitude of Jesuits are a bunch of satanic perverts?”.
“This Jesuit stole it from the barn where it was being held for safekeeping,” Dr. Rocher blubbered, “along with a Nazi vampire who’s the last surviving member of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.”
“These Nazis never get up to any good,” Renfield fumed over his glass of whiskey.
“Agreed,” Chuchill’s ghost affirmed as he fumed over his glass of brandy.
“Most Jesuits never get up to any good either,” Welles poured himself another spectral glass of red wine and recalled a conversation he once had with film director Alfred Hitchcock on the subject.
On the television in Renfield’s office, the Kraken Napoleon VI addressed the world media with the fire smouldering Notre Dame in the background.
“My wife Medusa and I were married in that cathedral,” the Kraken wept octopus (as opposed to crocodile) tears, “we had ourselves crowned Emperor and Empress of France in that Cathedral even though most French citizens never recognized the coronation. The Egyptian vampiress Isis pushed world-famous Swiss scientist Dr. Fahrenheit Celsius to his death from the bell tower of Notre Dame. And Dr. Cadbury Rocher used the vampiress Isis’ secret laboratory below Notre Dame (which isn’t so secret anymore now that I just blabbed about it) to re-assemble the sub-atomic particles of the vampire Osiris after he had been disintegrated by a Russian laser death ray.”
“I didn’t know you had done that?” Renfield looked at Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “Does Set know you did that?”.
“He does now,” Dr. Rocher sighed.
Putting on a tartan kilt and a t-shirt emblazoned with a photo of Mel Gibson as Braveheart William Wallace, the Kraken swore to the world media that he would destroy whoever and whatever was responsible for the fire that engulfed Notre Dame.
“Wait until my great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes finds out I was the one responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame,” Dr. Rocher continued to snivel, “I’ll be unable to sit down comfortably for the next decade.”
“With all due respect, Dr. Rocher,” Renfield admonished, “with this devastation of a great French, European and world cultural landmark, the prospect that your buttocks will be in the upmost suffering and agony for the next 10 years seems the least pressing of all the major problems afflicting the world at the present moment.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 15th
2019.
The immortal world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes:
Will get to the bottom of whoever was responsible for creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame
Renfield On Why Putin Didn’t Want Hillary As President
April 24, 2019 at 10:07 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (Renfield R. Renfield, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton)
Renfield R. Renfield MP was once again being interviewed on BBC News.
The topic was why Vladimir Putin didn’t want to see Hillary Clinton elected President of the U.S. in 2016.
“Well,” Renfield answered, “I’m sure Putin observed very carefully the successful foreign policy that Hillary implemented as Barack Obama’s Secretary of State. Her and Barack Obama’s interference in the internal affairs of Libya and Syria turned those two countries into the bastions of stability and beacons of light that the world can easily recognize in both nations today. Had not Gen. Abdel al-Sisi overthrown the hardline Islamist government of Egypt that was elected to power in the wake of Bararack and Hillary’s toppling of long time western ally Hosni Mubarak, Egypt would most likely be an anarchic basketcase like Libya or a war-torn bombshell of a country like Syria. The only successful case in the entire so-called Arab Spring of 2011 was in Tunisia and that was because that insurrection was planned by the Tunisian people themselves and not interfering American busybodies like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Fortunately for the world, Hillary retired as Secretary of State in 2013 to start planning her campaign to be U.S. President in 2016. Also fortunate for the world, Putin recognized that with the incredible harm Hillary managed to accomplish as U.S. Secretary of State, she would manage to do even more incredible harm as President. From thereon, she was a marked woman as far as Putin was concerned. Now today, she’s a woman reduced to sticking pins in voodoo dolls as she herself mentioned in her last book. Fortunately for her opponents, her voodoo is about as good as the witchcraft spells being cast on a daily basis by Antichrist Hollywood’s resident airhead Alyssa Milano.”
“And so America got stuck with Trump?” The interviewer noted.
“Yes, America got stuck with Trump,” Renfield nodded, “we now know that Trump’s idea of making America great again was to have the country looking like Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral on the morning of April 16th 2019. But at least it’s just America that has paid the price. We don’t have to worry about other countries falling into either anarchy or civil war because those on the American so-called progressive Left figure that what’s good enough for the American so-called progressive Left is good enough for the rest of the world.”
Hillary made a voodoo doll of Renfield after watching the interview.
“Ouch!” She suddenly screamed from the living room.
“What’s up?” Bill called out from the kitchen where he had been making himself Joe Biden’s recipe for a baloney sandwich.
The same recipe Biden would be using before delivering an important speech tomorrow.
“I’ve pricked my thumb with a pin,” Hillary cried.
“Have you been making voodoo dolls again?” Bill asked.
“Yes,” Hillary answered.
“Say, you weren’t expecting a visit from Alyssa Milano were you?” Bill queried.
“No,” Hillary shook her head, “why do you ask?”.
“I noticed some damned fool just flew her broomstick into the birdbath and now she’s being attacked by a flock of pigeons,” Bill gave verbal commentary while looking out the kitchen window.
“Charmed, I’m sure,” the talking pigeon who led the flock of birds quipped as he crapped all over her.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 24th
2019.
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