Gina Esmeralda
The gypsy Gina Esmeralda opened the door
“Count Dracula,” she smiled, “I bid you welcome.”
It was February of the year 1871.
The location was a small inn in Britanny, France.
“You’ve heard of me?” The Transylvanian nobleman and former Wallachian prince was surprised.
“My people live all over Europe,” Gina Esmeralda smiled, “so yes, I’ve heard of you.”
“Then you’re aware that I am a…”
“Vampire?” Gina Esmeralda finished the Count’s sentence for him, “Yes, I’m aware. I hope you won’t be a pain in the neck to me or any of my guests.”
“I’ve fed on a few sheep in the region,” the vampire explained, “so yes, my thirst has been quenched.”
“Poor sheep,” Gina Esmeralda reflected aloud, “so if you are the the perfect gentleman with my guests and me, I won’t have to summon the priest to sprinkle you with Holy Water.”
“No, you won’t,” Dracula remarked, “Who are your other guests?”.
“I am Loki the Norse trickster god,” said Loki who was eating a huge piece of roast beef.
“And I am Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun,” said Yaldabaoth who likewise was eating a large piece of roast beef.
“Both your guests seem to be immortals,” Dracula turned towards Gina Esmeralda, “so they have nothing to worry about from me.”
“Although,” Yaldabaoth spoke up, “According to the Irish High King Brian Boru’s Medieval Treatise On Leprechaun Ailments, there are a small variety of foods that could kill me but fortunately roast beef is not one of them.”
“And what are you doing here in Britanny?” Dracula turned towards Loki.
“I’ve been giving advice to Prussian Chancellor Otto von Bismarck on how to defeat France in this Franco-Prussian War so that France will lose its continental power and the German states can band together and form one nation,” Loki explained, “under the rule of the King of Prussia as Emperor of Germany of course.”
“Well you’ve already finished off Napoleon III and the Second Empire this past September,” Dracula noted, “And its successor the recently proclaimed Third Republic has pretty well thrown in the towel as far as war with Prussia is concerned.”
“Indeed it has,” Loki grinned as he drank his beer, “So Germany unveiled a constitution and united last month with Prussia’s king as Emperor.”
“Why do you seek a united Germany?” Dracula inquired.
“The German peoples used to worship me and my fellow gods of the Norse pantheon and I hope if they become politically and militarily powerful, they might do so again.”
Gina Esmeralda let out a small cry as the vision of a rotating and spinning black sun in a white circle against a blood red background entered her mind.
“You all right, Gina?” A concerned Yaldabaoth asked.
Loki laughed.
“Yes, I am,” Gina Esmeralda answered.
The beautiful gypsy walked over to the bar.
“Would you care for some wine, Count?” The gypsy asked.
“I wouldn’t mind,” Dracula smiled.
“Strange,” Gina Esmeralda steadied herself on the bar, “I just had a vision of a man with an accent similar to yours, Count. He was dressed like a Paris head waiter but wearing a cape as well and saying to someone, “I don’t drink… wine.” While standing in an old castle.”
“Not a very good countryman of mine if he doesn’t drink wine,” Dracula gratefully took the glass.
“Someday, you’ll be famous, Count,” Gina Esmeralda seemed to gaze into the future, “Books will be written about you and moving pictures made.”
“Moving pictures?” Yaldabaoth looked baffled.
“Photographs that move,” Gina Esmeralda explained.
“That sounds eerie,” Yaldabaoth gazed at a photograph of a Breton werewolf on the dining room wall, “a photograph that moves.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 27th
2021.
Harvey Tallbanger Takes On Europe’s Totalitarian Despots
“U.S. President Joe Beijing O’ Biden has ordered his first military airstrike on Syria which was carried out earlier today.
For all those lib-leftists out there who thought Joe Biden wasn’t going to be a warmonger (or thought he wouldn’t detain immigrant children in detention camps), they were of course invariably wrong as anyone with common sense could have easily told them.”
-Renfield R. Renfield MP
“Liberalism is the modern and morbid habit of always sacrificing the normal to the abnormal.”
-G.K. Chesterton
“The New Normal that most politicians, technocrats and Satan worshipping billionaires and bishops are always yapping about for the post-pandemic world is actually the Old Abnormal.”
-Renfield R. Renfield MP
British MP Renfield R. Renfield, Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague and Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster were at Set Enterprises laboratories in London flipping through various news channels on the TV.
The first news segment showed German Chancellor Angela Merkel saying that there was unanimous agreement within the European Union on implementing a coronavirus vaccine passport.
Ms. Merkel announced that “everyone agreed that we need a digital vaccination certificate” and that such a system could be implemented by summer.
As Ms. Merkel spoke, an Adolf Hitler style moustache appeared just below her nose and just above her lips.
The words I AM AN APOSTLE OF THE ANTICHRIST then appeared on her forehead written in red and black ink.
Seconds later a cream pie was thrown in her face.
The second news segment came on.
European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen announced that EU member states will “have to act fast” in order to implement a digital vaccine certification program as soon as the summer.
The certificate will facilitate travel as well as the ability to attend churches, synagogues, theatres, concert halls or even to go to the gym.
The words I AM AN APOSTLE OF THE ANTICHRIST then appeared on Ms. von der Leyen’s forehead written in red ink.
Seconds later, a cream pie was thrown in her face.
Greece’s Deputy Prime Minister Akis Skertsos then appeared on the TV screen and said that a vaccine passport verification system “is not discriminatory at all”.
The words I AM THE BIGGEST OF SATAN’S USEFUL IDIOTS then appeared written in Greek in green felt ink on his forehead.
Seconds later a souvlaki cream pie was thrown in his face.
British Education Secretary Gavin Williamson then appeared on the TV screen saying that he backed up the plan to carry passports to enter restaurants, cinemas and theatres.
The words I AM AN APOSTLE OF THE ANTICHRIST then appeared in red ink written on his forehead.
Seconds later a cream pie containing a school report card loaded with F’s for each subject was then thrown in his face.
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson then appeared on the TV screen.
Hanging from one of his long scraggly locks of hair over his right ear was a thorougly eaten fried chicken drum stick (from a rooster who was sacrificed in a live Santeria animal sacrifice).
Johnson said that Brits might definitely require health passports for simple domestic visits like going to the pub or theatre.
Johnson, who had the sign KICK ME posted on his backside by the ghost of Winston Churchill, then went on, “I know fervent libertarians will object but other people will think that there is a case for it.”
The ghosts of Adolf Hitler, Lenin, Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and the two deceased members of the North Korean Kim Communist hereditary dynasty appeared behind Johnson smiling and applauding vigourously.
The words I AM AN APOSTLE OF THE ANTICHRIST AND MY HAIRSTYLIST RESIDES IN HELL appeared written in black ink on Boris Johnson’s forehead.
Seconds later a banana cream steak and kidney pie containing hair gel and a comb were then thrown in Johnson’s face.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 26th
2021
Dragon Warrior Princess Lenora of Lemuria and Her Elephant Friend
Dragon Warrior Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria and Her Elephant Friend
Back in the autumn of 2018, French marine biologist and marine archaeologist Louis Alphonse Cousteau (a great nephew of French undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau) had discovered the lost continent of Lemuria and its capital city of Mu in the depths of the South Pacific.
The major find had gone unreported by the mainstream Marxist news media as they were totally obsessed with getting rid of Donald Trump and reported no other news.
Just like now they are totally obsessed with kissing the buttocks of the bumbling and stumbling and verbally incoherent CCP stooge Joe Beijing O’ Biden and report no other news with the exception of Perseverance landing on Mars (although NASA was now covering up photos and videos of the brontosaurus skeleton that Perserverance had just dug up on Mars).
Louis Alphonse Cousteau had also found among the ruins of Mu of Lemuria a glass coffin containing the perfectly preserved body of Lenora the last Dragon Warrior Crown Princess of Lemuria.
Using a formula developed by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher, Cousteau had brought Princess Lenora of Lemuria back from the dead.
Fortunately for Lenora, the formula wasn’t as intoxicating and hangover inducing as the formula invented by Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague for bringing Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun back from the dead.
Lenora of Lemuria now lived in a huge country estate not far from London.
She used one of Set’s cannabis powered dirigible airships to travel across the world thus avoiding airports with their massive rules and regulations and quarantines in this time of Covid Communism.
It had come to the attention of the Dragon Warrior Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria that Set Enterprises Intelligence secret agent Miranda Singh had discovered that a former King of Spain (whose code name in Set Enterprises intelligence circles was Juan Jackass) was once again planning to go elephant hunting in Botswana.
It was back in 2012 that the then Spanish monarch had gone on an elephant hunting trip with his mistress in Botswana and shot an elephant.
The photo was splashed on the pages of Spanish newspapers.
Just one of many of a series of scandals that led Juan Jackass to abdicate the throne in favour of his son back in 2014.
Currently Juan Jackass was living in exile in Abu Dhabi the capital of the United Arab Emirates.
As soon as Princess Lenora heard that Juan Jackass was going elephant hunting again, she was furious.
For the Dragon Warrior Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria loved elephants.
She had ridden many elephants in the jungles of Lemuria growing up as a child.
Lenora of Lemuria flew her dirigible airship The Jewel of Lemuria to put a stop to Juan Jackass’ elephant hunting expedition.
Strolling through the jungles of Botswana wearing a safari hat and safari clothes with the exception of his t-shirt that read ASK ME ABOUT SPECIALS ON VIAGRA, Juan Jackass came within sight of a poor elderly elephant who really didn’t stand much chance of being able to run away.
Juan Jackass raised his rifle when suddenly this came within his sites:
“Hey, would you mind getting out of the way so I can shoot that blasted elephant?!” Juan Jackass screamed.
Suddenly an invisible force knocked Jackass’ rifle out of his hands.
The former Spanish king bent over to pick it up.
The Dragon Warrior Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria picked up her bow and arrow, took careful aim at the former Spanish monarch’s buttocks and let fly the arrow.
“Ow!” Juan Jackass screamed as he fell face forward to the ground.
The voice from an invisible entity, doing his best voice impersonation of Tom Hanks’ film character of Forrest Gump in a definite surprise in his mother’s box of chocolates southern drawl, remarked, “You got shot in the buttocks.”
“I know I bloody well got shot in the buttocks,” Juan Jackass screamed.
The former Spanish monarch then got a cream pie in the face.
“You got a cream pie in the face,” the invisible entity again impersonated Tom Hanks’ Forrest Gump southern drawl.
Meanwhile Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria safely escorted the elephant to a wildlife reserve.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 25th
2021.
Set Gets A Call From His Accounting Department
The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was sitting in his study and listening to the radio.
He was once again surprised to hear his former employee and current British MP Renfield R. Renfield reading the BBC World News Report on BBC Radio.
Renfield said, “Next month on his trip to Iraq, the extremely ecumenically minded Pope Francis will be holding an interfaith religious service on top of the ancient Babylonian temple to the Mesopotamian moon god Nanna. No word yet on whether Nanna himself plans to attend the service.”
Set guffawed.
Spewing the Earl Grey tea in his mouth all the way to the far side of the study.
Renfield went on, “And in further news regarding Pope Francis, the pontiff said all journalists wishing to fly with him on his plane to and from Iraq must be vaccinated against the Holy, Blessed and Eternal Virus known to the world as Covid before being allowed to fly with him.
Those journalists who wish to ask him questions leading to one of his usual idiotic rambling answers must be vaccinated twice…”
The phone rang on the desk next to Set’s chair and he turned the radio off.
The vampire picked up the receiver.
It was one of those old phones that you often see in gangster movies of the 1920s and ’30s.
“Sol Invictus Set,” the vampire said giving the full name he wrote down on his British Citizenship certificate when he received British citizenship back in the 1920s.
“Hello, Mr. Set,” the voice on the other end spoke, “This is I.M. Boring from the Set Enterprises Accounting Department.”
“Oh yes, Mr. Boring,” Set yawned, “What can I do for you?”.
“We’ve noticed an expenditure claimed by one of your employees that we think you should really be concerned about,” Boring explained.
“Oh yes,” Set put down his cup of tea and proceeded to drink the entire pot of coffee on the tray next to him to keep himself awake.
“One of your employees put down as an expenditure the cost of 2002 bottles of Hendrick’s Gin over the past month,” Boring noted.
“By 2002,” Set finished the entire pot of coffee, “Do you mean the year the gin was made or the numerical amount of bottles of gin that was consumed?”.
“The numerical amount of bottles of gin that was consumed,” Boring answered.
“Jesus,” Set was fully awake now and spoke a name that probably wouldn’t be mentioned in the interfaith service atop Nanna’s temple next month, “This employee must be sent to Alcoholics Anonymous right away or face permanent termination of his employment.”
“It gets worse, Mr. Set,” Boring explained.
“It does?” Set rang the bell on his tray to summon his butler and valet Athelstan.
The billionaire vampire was going to ask his gentleman’s gentleman to bring him Set a much needed bottle of Hendrick’s Gin.
“Apparently the entire 2002 bottles of gin were consumed on two separate days,” Boring went on, “1001 bottles of Hendrick’s Gin consumed back on Thursday February 4th and 1001 bottles of Hendrick’s Gin consumed 2 days ago on Monday February 22nd.”
“My God,” Set reached for a hot buttered scone, “Talk about the mother of all drinking problems. Doesn’t the said person realize that binge drinking is dangerous. He should really space out his alcohol consumption. And not do it all at one time every 3 weeks.”
“And not charge the cost of his alcohol consumption to his employer,” Boring noted.
“Indeed,” Set wholeheartedly agreed and started putting some marmalade on his hot buttered scone, “And what was the name of this employee?”.
“Dr. Marmalade Montague,” Boring answered.
Set quickly checked the brand name of his marmalade.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 24th
2021.
Maria Orsic and The Turing Jukebox Computer
Maria Orsic and The Turing Jukebox Computer
Two rogue agents for MI-5 (although no one in MI-5 knew they were rogue agents) informed British Prime Minister Boris Johnson that the Occult and Paranormal Research Division of Interpol was aware of his midnight meetings with zombie nosferatu that were going on in the ballroom of the newly opened Imperial Aurora Hotel in London and that it might be a good idea if he ceased these meetings for the time being.
A spy for Interpol at 10 Downing Street informed Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the head of the Occult and Paranormal Research Division of the warning from the MI-5 rogue agents which inspired messy haired Boris Johnson (who was still unaware of the invention of the comb that had taken place centuries earlier) to cancel further meetings.
Whitstable thus called an end to the Interpol sting operation at the Imperial Aurora Hotel which would have exposed the Johnson-zombie nosferatu meetings.
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka returned to her flat in central London (she had rented a room right in the Imperial Aurora Hotel which would have allowed her close contact to the ballroom).
Dracul Van Helsing likewise returned to his flat in East London.
And Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was currently at the Set Enterprises laboratory recovering from a massive hangover having drunk the contents of 1001 bottles of Hendrik’s Gin which successfully brought him back from the dead for the 2nd time in two months.
Van Helsing was soon off another mission however.
This one with the ghost of Orson Welles.
Van Helsing and Welles were to use the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern to travel back in time to the year 1953.
Apparently Whitstable’s contacts at NASA told him that the great mathematician Alan Turing (who had developed the computing machine that cracked the Enigma Nazi Code) had in 1953 developed a computer whose purpose was to pick up signals from extraterrestrial life forms in the universe.
The computer for whatever reason was hidden inside a jukebox on a table in the office of a Chelsea cafe.
And then disappeared mysteriously just as MI-5 agents raided the cafe.
Now it was believed to be in the home of a Havana Cuba based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike according to the visions of DARPA’s psychic lobster Van Gogh’s All Hearing Ear (who was a distant cousin of Set Enterprises’ psychic lobster Michelangelo).
When asked for his analysis, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typing on his own waterproof laptop computer said that the Turing jukebox computer had been stolen in 1953 by the vampire Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau.
Kohler had, according to Michelangelo, time traveled from this month and this year back to 1953 to steal the Turing jukebox computer just before MI-5 agents arrived at the Chelsea cafe to take control of the machine.
The solution was to send a time traveler back in time to grab the Turing jukebox computer before Kohler could do so.
Thus Van Helsing and Welles were on their way back to that Chelsea cafe in ’53.
Arriving on the scene, Van Helsing and Welles came face to face with:
Maria Orsic and The Turing Juke Box Computer
Maria Orsic was an immortal.
She was a medium who had been head of the German Vril Society.
Van Helsing had met her on a time traveling mission before when the vampire hunter had time traveled back to Washington DC in the late 1930s.
Welles’ ghost had recalled that Van Helsing had made out with Maria Orsic on that occasion.
“So, Van Helsing,” Maria Orsic smiled at him, “I suppose you’re hear to steal the Turing Jukebox Computer before the vampire Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau arrives on the scene?”.
“I am,” Van Helsing nodded.
“But I think I better spank you first,” Maria produced a rather sturdy wooden hairbrush.
“I think you’re right,” Van Helsing started taking his clothes off.
“Not again,” Welles’ ghost moaned as he buried his ghostly head in his ghostly hands.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 23rd
2021.
Marmalade and Hendrik’s Gin Revive A Leprechaun Again
The body of Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was once again lying under a contraption invented by Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague that would pour 1001 bottles of Hendrick’s Gin down the leprechaun’s throat that would bring him back from the dead.
A recipe written down by Asclepius (the Greek god of medicine who was killed by a thunderbolt from Zeus) that wound its way on to a late 1940s matchbook from a Cairo nightclub said that a combination of juniper, cucumber and damask rose could be used to resurrect a leprechaun from the dead.
It just so happened that the ingredients used in making Hendrick’s Gin were juniper, cucumber and damask rose.
An analysis of the leprechaun’s blood showed that he had been poisoned by a combination of champagne and Fire Salamander toxic poisoning.
According to a Facebook status post Yaldabaoth had made this past Saturday night, the leprachaun wound up hopelessly lost in the streets of London and entered a building that he thought was the Imperial Aurora Hotel where he was staying.
He went up to his hotel room floor in the elevator and when he got off the elevator, he saw that he was in fact not in a hotel but most likely in an apartment building.
He decided to check out the floor and when he got back from his rounds of the floor, he noticed a beautiful woman wearing a short skirt pointing a gun at two men and forcing them to get on the elevator with her.
The men must be gay, Yaldabaoth deduced in Sherlockian fashion, because otherwise such a woman should have absolutely no problem in getting a couple of men to get into an elevator with her.
Yaldabaoth happened to pass an apartment door that was still open.
He peered inside and happened to notice a bottle of champagne with two glasses on a small table in the middle of the room.
The leprechaun went inside and ignoring the two glasses, he drank straight from the bottle.
It was probably here that the leprechaun received his poisoning, Dr. Marmalade Montague deduced.
Someone must have added Fire Salamander poison to the bottle of champagne.
Judging from the amount of Fire Salamander poison in the champagne, this combination would have killed a mortal human within a space of 2 to 3 hours.
In Yaldabaoth’s case, being a somewhat usually immortal lepechaun, the poison didn’t kick in until 24 hours later when he entered the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka’s hotel room at the Imperial Aurora and noticed her wearing a killer mini skirt outfit.
The sudden rush of adrenaline with the combination of the champagne and Fire Salamander poison caused the leprechaun to keel over.
On the other hand as that classy and classically inclined arch villain Raymond Red Reddington once put it on an episode of The Blacklist, “Look on the bright side. At least he died with an enormous erection and a smile on his face.”
Dr. Marmalade Montague pushed a button and his contraption started pouring 1001 bottles of Hendrick’s gin down the leprechaun’s throat.
Set Enterprises’ Dr. Marmalade Montague rushes away from his Thames River bridge proposition after receiving a phone call that Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun had keeled over again.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 22nd
2021.
Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka At Imperial Aurora Hotel
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka at the Imperial Aurora Hotel In London
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka arrived at the new Imperial Aurora Hotel in London where she’d be staying the next few days.
She’d be doing some work on behalf of the Occult and Paranormal Research Section of Interpol which was headed by Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
Of course Whitstable was the only agent in the Occult and Paranormal Research Section of Interpol.
He didn’t even have a Dana Scully like partner to help him out.
Instead he relied on freelance operative consultants like the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka, Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and a few others to help him out on occasion.
The Imperial Aurora Hotel in London had only opened a week ago.
As the Swiss billionaire Lester Mittendorf (the builder and owner of the hotel) moaned at its grand opening a week ago (where he cut a ribbon at which he and a few hotel staff members were the only ones present), “It looks like I picked the wrong time to open up a new fancy luxury hotel in London. Right at the start of the 2nd year of the pandemic.”
Plans for the new hotel had started back in 2017.
Of course no one had foreseen this pandemic coming with the exception of Bill Gates who had lit candles in front of a statue of Apophis the Egyptian god of destruction for the past decade and a half praying for a plague that would wipe out most of the world’s population since his demon possessed teddy bear told him that there were far too many people living on the planet.
Even though no one in Mittendorf’s property management circle could have possibly predicted a pandemic, Lester Mittendorf still demoted (although he could have easily fired) his Vice-President of Innovation and New Ideas Mr. Cordon Bleu Stuffingham for having coming up with the boneheaded idea of opening a new luxury hotel in London in February 2021.
Stuffingham was now working as a bell boy in the Imperial Aurora Hotel.
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka walked by Stuffingham who was asleep at his bell boy’s desk and walked in the direction of the hotel’s reception clerk.
The hotel itself was a combination of classical Greco-Roman style decor and early 20th Century Art Nouveau.
At the desk as she registered, the receptionist was listening to BBC Radio.
Once again British MP Renfield R. Renfield was filling in for yet another announcer who had been gunned down in the internecine civil war going on in the BBC Newsroom between Neo-Stalinist Neo-Bolshevik Communists and Neo-Trotskyite Neo-Bolshevik Communists.
Once again yet another announcer’s death was listed as being caused by Covid-19 (rather than a gunshot wound) by the NHS in accordance with WHO guidelines on the subject.
Renfield’s voice could be heard saying, “And in other news… a massive crowd of two people greeted 81 million vote recipient Vice-President Kamala Harris on her return to her home in California…”
Tanaka signed the register and went up to her room.
Tanaka had been asked by Whitstable to investigate rumours of alleged meetings going on between British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and a group of zombie nosferatu that were taking place in the new hotel’s ballroom.
Aiding her in the investigation would be Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun.
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka had only been in her room a few minutes when she heard a knock at her door.
She opened it and standing there was Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun.
“Wow,” Yaldabaoth said, “That’s yet another killer outfit you’re wearing.”
He then dropped dead like he did on the first occasion when he met the Lakota Sioux Princess and she had been wearing an equally killer outfit.
The Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka: Yet another killer outfit
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 21st
2021.
Kendra Rai Private Eye
Kendra Rai Private Eye
Dashwood Forrest the owner and curator of The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London had had one of his paintings stolen from his gallery the past week.
The painting was a rare oil painting painted by Oscar Wilde.
Forrest was one of the few people in the world who knew that Wilde had painted some pictures and set out to find them through his various contacts.
This particular Wilde painting was of Alexander the Great having himself anointed and crowned Pharaoh of Egypt after having conquered Egypt in 332 BC.
On one of the pillars next to where Alexander was being crowned was an interesting set of hieroglyphs in the picture.
According to the story Forrest received, Wilde painted the picture of the hieroglyphs in conjunction with some research that writer Bram Stoker (the eventual author of Dracula and later The Jewel of Seven Stars) was doing.
Of course during the pandemic and Boris Johnson’s massive UK lockdown, The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery was not open to the public.
However Forrest had virtual exhibits of his paintings and art treasures on-line.
And appropriately socially distant private viewings could be arranged via emails with Forrest.
Last week he had shown the Oscar Wilde painting of Pharaoh Alexander the Great and the pillar of hieroglyphs on-line in a virtual exhibit.
The next night the painting was stolen.
On the advice of a friend, he hired London private investigator Kendra Rai to find it being told that she was the best private investigator in London.
London Private Investigator Kendra Rai the best private eye in London
Kendra Rai took the case immediately.
A case that would satisfy her intense intellectual curiosity and challenge her mind.
Kendra emailed a photo of the original Wilde painting of Pharaoh Alexander with the hieroglyphically inscribed pillar to an Egyptologist she knew at the British Museum wanting a translation of the hieroglyphs from him.
Kendra received an excited middle of the night phone call from the Egyptologist once he had translated them.
She was angry about being awakened in the middle of the night but once he told her the translation, she was no longer angry.
Kendra thanked the Egyptologist and put her phone down.
She now knew the reason why the painting was probably stolen.
And suspected who might be behind it.
Rogue MI-5 agents (although MI-5 was still unaware that these agents were rogue) Benedict Pence and Mike Arnold came mincing into their luxury apartment after a night on the town.
Of course they shouldn’t be on a night on the town during lockdown but both fancied that rules didn’t apply to them (God knew that certain rules laid down in Deuteronomy and Leviticus they didn’t follow).
On the wall of their apartment by the door they had a painting of Brutus and Cassius stabbing Julius Caesar to death.
On the opposite side of the room, they had a painting of Judas Iscariot getting paid his 30 pieces of silver from the Jerusalem Temple priests.
Both men as they entered noticed a bottle of champagne with two glasses in the middle of the room.
Thinking that the other had ordered it, both men took the glasses, poured themselves some champagne and had a toast.
They drank.
A light went on in a corner of the darkened room showing Kendra Rai Private Eye sitting there.
“Good evening, gentlemen,” Kendra Rai smiled at them, “I don’t bring you tidings of great joy like on a certain evening of March 13th 2013 when someone else wished the world a “Good evening”. Rather to let you know that your champagne has been poisoned. I have the antidote in my purse along with my gun. So don’t try anything rash. I will give you the antidote when you tell me where the painting you stole is. And don’t tell me what painting. I’ve had the hieroglyphs translated. I know it was probably you who took it.”
“You’re bluffing,” Pence gulped.
“Try me,” Kendra laughed, “I have nothing to lose. You do.”
“We sold it to a certain billionaire,” Arnold gulped, “We won’t mention the billionaire. He doesn’t have it yet. It’s being shipped out of the country tonight.”
“Do you know the location of where it’s being shipped from?” Kendra asked.
“We do,” Pence and Arnold both nodded at the same time.
“Come, gentlemen,” Kendra held up a vial and also pointed a gun at them, “We’re going for a ride. And you better hope we get there in time to stop that painting leaving the country.”
Kendra did get there in time.
The painting was retrieved.
An anxiously sweating Pence and Arnold were given the vial.
And Kendra Rai returned the painting to Dashwood Forrest telling him to lock the painting in his safe and to no longer display it in any exhibits virtual or otherwise.
When she told him what the hieroglyphs on the pillar in the painting said, Forrest knew the reason.
The hieroglyphs gave the formula for making a deadly plague to be released on the world capable of killing most of the planet’s population.
Kendra had an idea which global billionaire probably wanted it.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 20th
2021.
Maid Marian and The Key To Nottingham Castle
“You seem to be eating a lot of fish there, Friar,” Robin Hood remarked to the good Friar Tuck.
“It’s Friday in Lent,” Friar Tuck remarked after having consumed a plate of 3 dozen fish.
“Are you going to join me in rescuing Will Scarlet from the evil Sheriff of Nottingham?’ Robin asked.
“I suppose I could stand a little exercise,” Friar Tuck patted his extremely round belly.
“Right, let’s get a move on then,” Robin said, “We’re going to meet Maid Marian at the edge of Sherwood Forest where she’s going to present us with the key to Nottingham Castle.”
“I take it that is where poor Will is being held,” Friar Tuck sipped from his cup of ale.
“It is indeed, my good Friar,” Robin loaded up his back pack with arrows while he held his trusty bow in hand, “In the dungeon.”
Friar Tuck was about to reach for a leg of chicken but then reasoned chicken might be considered meat and so withdrew his hand.
“How will we get into the dungeon?” Tuck inquired.
“That’s what we have the key for,” Robin explained, “which Marian will give us.”
“That explains why you’re the leader of our band of renegades,” Tuck tried to tie his cassock around his enormously large waist with not much success, “and why I’m not.”
“It does indeed, Tuck,” Robin smiled.
Alan-a-Dale followed behind Robin Hood and Friar Tuck carrying his harp and playing it.
“Are you going to Nottingham Fair?” Alan-a-Dale sang, “Rosemary, sage, parsley and thyme…”
“The mention of all those spices is making me hungry,” Tuck remarked.
“The mention of London Bridge falling down would probably make you hungry,” Robin commented.
“It would at that,” Tuck agreed.
They soon came to the edge of Sherwood Forest where they met Maid Marian carrying the key to Nottingham Castle:
Robin picked up the key and carried it on his way to the castle where after Friar Tuck hit castle guards over the head using large fish bones that he carried in a basket, they made their way to the dungeon where they rescued Will Scarlet.
Safe on the edge of the forest again, Robin fired an arrow back in the direction of Nottingham Castle to the tower floor on which the Sheriff of Nottingham had his bedroom.
The arrow had a message attached to it that read,
“My dear Sheriff of Nottingham,
Your prisoner has escaped.
Yours affectionately,
Robin Hood.”
Back in the forest again at Robin Hood’s camp, Friar Tuck complained, “I feel hungry again.”
It was a good thing for the good friar that Made Marian had baked 3 dozen apple pies.
-A Robin Hood tale
written by Christopher
Friday February 19th
2021.
Semiramis Recalls Harvey Tallbanger
Semiramis the immortal Queen of Babylon in the back of an automobile with Lord Frolic of Tweedsmuir
The lecherous old leech Lord Frolic of Tweedsmuir had picked Semiramis up outside the British Houses of Parliament.
He had told the immortal Queen that he had rented the entire London Philharmonic Orchestra for her to give them their own private concert.
He had instructed the chauffeur to drive them to the Royal Albert Hall.
Of course there would be no London Philharmonic Orchestra waiting there.
Instead the “never say die” Lord Frolic of Tweedsmuir was hoping to make out with Semiramis in one of the auditorium seats.
He had always wanted to do that with some woman.
The only trouble was there was usually always an event of some sort at the Royal Albert Hall.
However these times of Covid had put an end to such events.
And Lord Frolic of Tweedsmuir was hoping to take advantage of this opportunity.
As Lord Frolic’s car drove through the streets of London, they passed by the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill.
“Rita,” Orson’s ghost called out for Semiramis looked very much like Orson’s late ex-wife Rita Hayworth.
“I do believe,” Churchill was smoking a spectral cigar, “that is Semiramis the immortal Queen of Babylon although the resemblance she bears to your ex-wife is quite remarkable. I met Semiramis once at the Tehran Conference in 1943. I remember she kicked Josef Stalin in the testicles when he got too fresh with her. Which made our talk (Churchill’s, Roosevelt’s and Stalin’s) of opening up a second front against Germany by June 1944 all the more amusing.”
The car continued to drive down the street leaving Welles looking mournful and Churchill looking reflective.
The car then stopped at a traffic light at an intersection where British Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab was standing likewise waiting for the light to change.
This past Sunday Raab had said that the British government should consider having UK citizens carry vaccine passports in order to enter such places as supermarkets.
As he stood there, a cream pie was thrown in his face by a seemingly invisible entity.
Meanwhile inside the car:
Semiramis (looking thoughtful): I have the feeling I’ve seen that rabbit somewhere before.
Lord Frolic of Tweedsmuir was somewhat startled by this assertion, “You see a rabbit out there?”.
“Yes,” Semiramis nodded, “a 6 foot 8 tall purple coloured bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears.”
“Really?” Lord Frolic of Tweedsmuir was starting to wonder whether his date for this evening was clinically insane, “And when did you last see him?”.
“Several thousand years ago when my husband Nimrod first proposed building the Tower of Babel,” Semiramis recalled, “That rabbit threw a cream pie in Nimrod’s face.”
“Cream pies have been around that long?” Lord Frolic of Tweedsmuir was surprised.
“Yes, for as long as that rabbit has,” Semiramis nodded.
. . .
The little green frog Nimrod (who had been the Biblical Nimrod- “the mighty hunter against the Lord” – way back in the day) was sitting on a patient’s couch in the office of London psychiatrist Dr. Morgana Jones.
Nimrod had been turned into a little green frog some years ago when a kiss from the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith went awry.
“So, Mr. Nimrod,” Dr. Morgana Jones, with pen and notepad in hand, addressed the frog, “How long have you been afraid of cream pies?”.
“For several thousand years now,” Nimrod answered, “Ever since a very tall purple bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears threw a cream pie in my face after I proposed building a tower that could reach the heavens.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 18th
2021.
