Geneva Convention- Baphomet Style
Geneva Convention- Baphomet Style
DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding a transit bus đ making sure the local transit system adhered to his Nietzschean principles of aesthetic beauty.
Just then an ugly looking high school girl boarded the bus.
Pan Goatee vomited đ€ź all over the person sitting next to him.
âYou can probably get that out with Ultra-Tide laundry detergent,â Pan said as he stood up and removed his laser machete from his Angela Merkel emblazoned boxer shorts.
As the ugly looking high school girl stood by the back door of the bus, Pan Goatee immediately beheaded her and then cut her up into tiny little pieces.
He then pulled a whiskey bottle that contained DoppelgĂ€nger (a lethal combination of Irish Guinness and Greek Ouzo) out of his Hawaiian tropical shirt pocket and said, âNever send a sober nanite to do a drunken naniteâs job.â
He then poured the alcohol into the mouths of the already vomiting đ€ź nanoparticles sickened by the aesthetically challenged body parts of the ugly high school girl (who had even been considered too ugly to star in the horror flick High School of the Living Dead for which she recently auditioned).
The nanites then ate the body parts and continued vomiting đ€ź en masse.
Pan Goatee exited through the emergency hatch at the top of the bus as the nanite vomit continued to rise and ended up drowning all the passengers and the bus driver.
. . .
Donald Trump smiled at the TV camera as he signed an executive order banning the separation of immigrant children from their parents.
He then opened a box of Christmas pie he had been saving since last Christmas, put in his thumb, pulled out a plum and said, âWhat a good boy am I.â
Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump vomited đ€ź all over the Lincoln Bedroom after watching the spectacle on television.
Abe Lincolnâs ghost remarked, âI donât blame youâ as he spewed forth a nasty đ€ą looking flow of ectoplasm out of his mouth which no doubt would have caused the Ghostbusters (in the original 1984 film) to give up their day jobs.
. . .
As Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was getting an anonymous tip about a satanic cult performing a human sacrifice tomorrow in Geneva, Switzerland đšđ, members of the satanic cult The Legion of Apollinarius were getting ready for their own H. P. Lovecraft style take on Shakespeareâs A Midsummer Nightâs Eve.
The priest Petrus Romanus Puer Miratio Robinus was getting ready for the human sacrifice tomorrow night.
A Swiss cuckoo clock that had a bat đŠ out of Hell for a cuckoo bird came out of the clock riding a fiery blazing chopper motorcycle đ announcing the time.
Petrus was consulting the Swiss gypsy medium Heidi Hannibal in the steam furnace basement room of the early 20th Century church building where the human sacrifice would take place tomorrow night in the chapel and altar above.
Swiss gypsy medium Heidi Hannibal
âHello Baphomet, are you there?â Petrus asked as Heidi Hannibal went into a channeling trance.
âI am,â Baphomet spoke in a deeply diabolical baritone voice through the lovely Swiss blonde.
âYou must have a nice singing voice,â Petrus recalled a line that Bill Murray had used in the 1984 film Ghostbusters.
âYou should hear me sing the role of Mephistopheles in Charles Gounodâs opera Faust,â Baphomet answered through Heidi Hannibal, âI even sing it better than Mephistopheles himself.â
âThat I can believe,â answered Petrus who wasnât impressed by Mephistophelesâ falsetto style voice.
âHave you made all the arrangements for tomorrowâs Midsummer Nightâs non-Anglican Evensong service and satanic sacrifice?â Baphomet asked.
âThe boysâ choir is putting in extra time,â Petrus admitted, âour lead singer just hit puberty last night after encountering Heidi wearing a short skirt.â
âHm, I can see that happening,â Baphomet admitted, âmake sure Heidi goes nowhere near the boys in the choir until after tomorrow nightâs service.â
âIâll do that, your Infernalness,â Petrus bowed.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 20th
2018.
The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth
The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth
Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol sighed as he put down the phone at Interpol headquarters in Lyon, France.
Despite Pope Francisâ recent pronouncement on the subject, all Hell was quite literally breaking loose upon the world.
And to top it off his associate who was his ally in battling evil supernatural forces the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was nowhere to be found.
The first example of something majorly supernatural happening in this sixth month of the Year of Our Lord 2018 was that the famous legendary ghost ship The Flying Dutchman had just been spotted in the harbour of Port Elizabeth South Africa đżđŠ.
Hundreds of people had seen the ship according to Port Elizabeth police reports and eyewitness statements.
But the really strange thing about the incident was these same eyewitnesses tried to take photos of the ship with their smart phones or in a few rare cases those old fashioned instruments known as the Polaroid, Kodak and Nikon cameras đ·.
But in every single instance where a picture was taken of the Flying Dutchman entering Port Elizabeth harbour, the photo (be it on smart phone or Polaroid or Kodak or Nikon camera) turned out to be a photograph of Donald Trump wearing a pair of Canadian shoes with his British valet and butler Lexington hitting them with a hammer trying to make them look old and scruffy.
In those instances where people tried to shoot a video of the Flying Dutchman entering Port Elizabeth harbour, the same image would appear only in motion and with sound.
The video showed Lexington playing an old 1920s gramophone in the background so that Donald Trumpâs pair of Canadian shoes đ would sound old as well.
Fortunately for posterity as far as Peter Whitstable was concerned, it so happened that the great South African artist SAREJESS (whose real name was Timothy Wood but who painted under the nom-de-plume SAREJESS which was a combination of the first letters of his 3 daughtersâ names Sarah, Rebecca and Jessica) happened to be on the yacht The Aphrodite Emerald Star of The Ocean at the time.
The Aphrodite Emerald Star of The Ocean was owned by the Irish Greek shipping tycoon Heraclitus Oâ Spazzis who being blind (after a tragic visit to the City of Calgary) had recently proposed marriage to Hillary Clinton should she ever become a widow.
SAREJESS had been hired as a guide by OâSpazzis to take him out to the best fishing spots off Port Elizabeth.
The yacht was returning to the harbour after Oâ Spazzis had caught an amazing 153 fishes when the Flying Dutchman appeared.
âWhatâs all the excitement about?â The blind Oâ Spazzis asked as he ate his Guinness laced shepherdâs pie đ„§ and his Ouzo laced lamb Souvlaki and heard loud and excited cries coming from shore.
âItâs the Flying Dutchman,â his skipper Hades Charon answered.
âDamn, I wish I could see it,â Oâ Spazzis sipped his DoppelgĂ€nger (a drink that was a deadly combination of 1/2 Guinness and 1/2 ouzo), âStupid Calgary cowboys letting their fat ugly cows wander on the city streets like that.â
Venus Oâ Hara the executive assistant to Mr. Oâ Spazzis took a picture of the Flying Dutchman with her smart phone and then exclaimed, âDamn! All I got was a picture of Donald Trump trying to smuggle a pair of Canadian shoes across the Alberta-Montana border.â
On the yachtâs radio, Madonna could be heard singing, âYou keep on pushing my love over the borderline…â
Hades Charon tried to record a video with his smart phone and got the same imagery showing up.
On the video Trump could be heard saying, âItâs because of illegal shoe smuggling that we need to put tariffs on Canada…â
â… feels like Iâm going to lose my mind…â Madonna continued singing.
Fortunately, Timothy (aka SAREJESS) had remembered to bring his paintbrush đ, a palette đš, a canvas and his paints with him.
Timothy sat down on board the deck of the yacht The Aphrodite Emerald Star of The Ocean and immediately started painting a picture of the Flying Dutchman within sight of the modern skyline of the city of Port Elizabeth South Africa.
The yacht lay anchored there for the next several hours while Tim painted his picture.
When he had finished, the Flying Dutchman ghost ship then turned around and sailed out of the harbour.
âShit! Itâs leaving!â Several voices exclaimed on shore, âAnd whatâs up with all these fucking pics of Donald Trump trying to smuggle a pair of Canadian shoes across the border anyways?â.
Peter Whitstable gazed at the photo of the SAREJESS painting entitled The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth.
âWell at least this image has been recorded for posterity,â Whitstable smiled, âwhat a great moment in art history.â
Meanwhile on the Port Elizabeth beach, the famous London art historian, curator and art gallery owner Dashwood Forrest sat sipping a Mai Tai.
His living dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish Zombie đ§ââïž sat drinking a glass of Jameson Irish Whiskey đ„ attempting to paint đš a picture of the Flying Dutchman with his paintbrush đ on canvas.
âHow are you coming, Mulligan?â Forrest asked.
âBy all the blessed saints in their ongoing cosmic wrestling match with the demon Mephistopheles,â Mulligan bellyached as he rubbed his stomach, âthis paintbrush seems to have a mind of its own. All I get is a picture of Donald Trump trying to smuggle a pair of Canadian shoes đ across the Canada-U.S. border.â
âReal geniuses donât get caught smuggling shoes,â Forrest remarked as he looked at the painting which showed Robert Mueller holding a pair of handcuffs as Trump crossed the border wearing a pair of shoes emblazoned with the Canadian maple đ leaf and the Canadian beaver.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 19th
2018.
If you wish to own the original of this amazing SAREJESS painting The Flying Dutchman Within Sight of The Modern Skyline of Port Elizabeth
please contact Timothy Wood at his South African phone number:
084 996 5316
or if you just wish to own a limited edition personally autographed print of the painting, also contact Tim at the same number:
084 996 5316
Baphomet In Jerusalem
Baphomet In Jerusalem
Baphomet walks the streets of Jerusalem
that Templar idol of yesteryore
that haunts most occult folklore
Nine foot tall is he
he hits his head on many a tree
He is union of Hermes and Aphrodite
a hermaphrodite
told by French king to fly a kite
The Knights-Templar were tortured đ
and admitted to worshiping this idol in Jerusalem orchard
Lie? Truth? Or myth?
But right now the goat needed to find a biff.
The Baphomet was a winged hermaphrodite with a torch between his horns
a sight not seen on those equine unicorns
and a pentagram on his forehead
not a tattoo his mama had said
On his right arm the Latin word SOLVE
that Palmolive liquid could not dissolve
on his left arm COAGULA
but not the blood of Dracula
These were Latin for the English expressions âseparateâ and âjoin togetherâ respectively
not found in old services for Matrimony.
Two fingers on his right hand point up
heâs asking for more than one cup
Two fingers on his left hand point down
his feminine half forgot her nightgown
He had male phallus and female breasts
to the point where even LGBTs were saying âGive it a restâ
He had head of goat đ on humanoid body
but he was allowed to drive in Saudi
though unveiled he was like Blavatskyâs Isis
and now heâd send Mid-East into crisis
Eliphas Levi first drew his pic
but substituted snakes for prick
for artist did worry about going blind
remembering that day his mommy did find
But enough of that
blind is the bat
who did not see
what Baphomet did to yonder tree
The goat head Levi borrowed from Egyptian goat headed deity Banebdjedet
sprayed by Greek Panâs semen equally wet.
Baphomet was called the Sabbat Goat
whose goatâs milk went down Crowleyâs throat
and Aleister joined Sgt. Pepperâs Lonely Hearts Club
and took a ride aboard mighty Beatlesâ Yellow Sub
The Baphomet grinning a goatish grin did say,
I do feel like frolicking in the hay
My motto is âAs above, so belowâ
will yonder Hebrew maiden give me a blow?
While the maiden did play for Baphomet the final Trump
The Donald did dream he took it in the rump.
And so I say to you, Miss, Madam, good sir
that as the days of Noah were
so the coming of the Son of Man shall be
for just look at what Baphomet is doing to that poor young tree.
-A poem written by Christopher
(who believe it or not was not under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs at the time)
Friday June 15th 2018.
The Hawaiian Goddess Pele: A Poem
The Hawaiian Goddess Pele: A Poem
The great goddess Pele was a great beauty
who journeyed by canoe to Hawaii from Tahiti
goddess of fire đ„ , lightning đ©, wind đš and volcanoes đ
she sailed the South Seas following direction the East Wind blows
Her sister Namaka chased her across the sea đ
until Pele arrived in sweet Hawaii
Peleâs spirit lives in the Halemaumau crater on KÄ«lauea
when she is calm, sing Hallelujah
But when she is angry, flee from her embrace
Or be buried like Pompeii in the annals of the human race.
Pele is the goddess of the hula
the dance for which tourists pay lots of moola
What else can one possibly say
but the hula dedicated to Pele is performed in a way
that represents her intense personality
(this fiery girl from far far Tahiti)
The dance represents the movement of volcanoes đ
the shaking of the hips, legs and down it goes
May Peleâs dance be performed only by those beauties swaying in grass skirts
for if she comes to life, itâs with god of destruction she flirts.
-A poem written by Christopher
Thursday June 14th 2018
A Three Headed Dog Like Cerberus and The Hound of The Baskervilles Reincarnated
A Three Headed Dog Like Cerberus and The Hound of The Baskervilles Reincarnated
Renfield R. Renfield MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds had just received a phone call from his parliamentary Executive Assistant In Charge of Constituency Affairs Mirabella Francesca Franconia the former Spanish flamenco đđ» dancer.
Senorita Franconia suggested that Renfield come to Tewkesbury in person to help out one of his constituents a middle aged widow by the name of Mrs. Margaret Lewis.
Mrs. Lewis owned two dogs – a Welsh corgi and a Dachshund- who had recently both become demonically possessed.
The corgi named Friendly and the Dachshund named Bashful had recently taken to playing around with a Ouija board and as a result of this nefarious new habit, they had both ended up becoming demonically possessed.
Bashful went from being a Dachshund to becoming a giant spectral wolfhound who was able to bark in a medieval form of Norwegian to the veterinarian that it was a reincarnation of the Hound of the Baskervilles who had given Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson much trouble.
Friendly the Welsh corgi went from being a corgi to possessing the body of a gigantic Saint Bernard who happened to have 3 heads- one was the head of a Rottweiler who growled in ancient Babylonian, one was the head of a Bassett hound who whimpered in ancient Egyptian and the third was the head of a chihuahua who yelped in a very peculiar form of Parisienne French and ancient Aztec.
A veterinary psychiatrist who was brought in to determine whether the dogs were demonically possessed or just mentally ill opted for the former explanation after all four of his limbs were bitten off by the Rottweiler head.
That and the fact that both the corgi and the Dachshund had not previously known how to read or speak long dead languages.
Mrs. Lewis had gotten in touch with her parish priest the Church of England vicar Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the rector of Saint Swithinâs By The Floodwaters Parish Church.
Father Aidan was going to perform an exorcism on the dogs and Senorita Franconia thought it might be a good idea if Renfield as Mrs. Lewisâ local MP helped in the exorcism.
Renfield agreed and said heâd drive right down to Tewkesbury from London to participate in the exorcism.
Renfield met up with Mirabella Francesca Franconia on the streets of Tewkesbury:
Mirabella then escorted Renfield to the Saint Swithinâs vicarage where Father Aidan dressed in a protective suit of medieval knightâs armour stood waiting for them holding the two demonically possessed dogs on a gigantic iron leash.
Father Aidan took Mirabella and Renfield to a place on the other side of town as he thought the exorcism should best be performed outdoors due to the wild unpredictable nature of the two beasts.
The trio expressed disappointment when this sign greeted them at the place where Father Aidan intended to perform the exorcism:
âWell,â sighed Renfield, âit looks like weâll have to take our demonically possessed dogs elsewhere.â
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 13th
2018.
Renfield and Amadeus Discuss The Singapore Summit
Renfield and Amadeus Discuss The Singapore Summit
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having lunch with his close friend Amadeus Emanon the personal concert pianist to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Renfield was having half a dozen tuna fish sandwiches and Amadeus was enjoying a 12-course Chinese combination dinner from Lydoâs Chinese Food.
He liked the catchy jingle on their commercials, â426-5050, if youâre hungry đ, call the Lydo now. Freeee delivereee!â.
And then the sexy Chinese vampiress Meiling Manchu at the end of the commercial, âDonât forget to dial the local area code first before the number.â
She then smiled before biting into a sumptuous egg roll with her vampiric incisor fangs.
Meiling Manchu hides her vampiric incisor fangs with her arm.
âSo, what did you think of the Singapore Summit meeting between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un?â Amadeus asked as he bit into a sweet and sour sparerib and wondered why Porky đ· Pig had a spare rib but Adam in the Garden of Eden didnât.
âKim Jong-un came out on top,â Renfield spoke as if he was giving an English language voice over to a Japanese porno film.
âYou really think so?â Amadeus started to dig into the beef chop suey with his chop sticks.
âI do,â Renfield belched over his 2nd glass of bourbon đ„ .
âWhat makes you think so?â Amadeus polished off the Chicken Fried Rice and moved in on the Egg Foo Yong.
âAll Kim Jong-un did was just promise to give up his nuclear weapons,â Renfield inhaled a piece of tuna as if it were crack cocaine, âand you know what the singers Simon and Garfunkel said about promises in their song The Boxer?â.
âAll lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest,â Amadeus laid aside the pamphlet entitled Overeating Is The Primary Cause of Obesity.
âExactly,â Renfield poured two more glasses of bourbon đ„ for himself, âwhile Trump has gone and openly cancelled the military war games that the U.S. holds with South Korea each year which so pissed off the North, Kim has given very little in return. So itâs a win-win situation for Kim while itâs a Tweet and Brag situation for Trump.â
âWhat transpired at the summit that led to this?â Amadeus ate a bowl of lychee nuts for dessert.
âWell my spies in Singapore tell me that a beautiful North Korean woman was called upon to make a major sacrifice for her country and give the pompous toupee wearing blowhard Trump a blow job in order that heâd agree to Kim Jong-unâs demands,â Renfield replied.
âHow awful,â Amadeus Emanon blew his nose sympathetically for the poor woman.
Meanwhile in his laboratory aquarium at Set Enterprises, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of two classical Roman style busts on display in the British Museum in the near future.
One was a bust of Julius Caesar that bore the inscription, âI came, I saw, I conquered.â
The other was a bust of Donald Trump that said, âI saw, I came, I capitulated.â
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 12th
2018.
The Black Jaguar and The White Wolf In Singapore
The Black Jaguar and The White Wolf In Singapore
Kim Yo-jong the sister of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was walking through the streets of Singapore late at night.
A man wearing dark sunglasses đ and a red spider monkey fur toupee (surrounded by a group of men in black overcoats also wearing dark sunglasses đ¶ and earphones in their ears) approached her.
The man was turned on by Kim Yo-jongâs tight clinging skirt and exquisite pair of spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes đ .
âExcuse me, miss, but would you be willing to give me a blow job?â The man with the toupee asked her.
âHeâll gladly pay you $130,000,â the manâs lawyer spoke to Kim Yo-jong via FaceTime on the toupee wearing manâs iPhone that was made in China by Chinese slave labour.
Kim Yo-jong told the toupee wearing man, âGo fuck yourself, you pervert!â and kicked the man in the balls sending him backwards 666 yards.
âSheâs assaulted the President! Grab her!â One of the men in black overcoat and wearing dark sunglasses shouted to the others wearing the same.
The men in black overcoats and dark sunglasses simultaneously reached out to grab her.
They likewise found themselves kicked several hundreds of yards away by the North Korean Dragon Sister and had resulting extremely sore testicles as well.
âIâm glad I decided to turn in live to this live Singapore camera street shot on YouTube,â a former DARPA employee remarked to his pet otter over a shared bottle of bourbon after watching the previous martial arts display live.
The otter nodded enthusiastically.
As Kim Yo-jong walked down the street, a white wolf with blue eyes looked protectively at the woman and followed her.
When she returned safely to her hotel, the white wolf then walked several blocks away to another hotel.
He rode the elevator up to the 18th floor of the hotel.
With his right front paw, he then entered a computerized password on the door and the door to the room opened.
Standing there was a black jaguar with golden greenish eyes who emitted a loud hiss at the white wolf with blue eyes.
âBegone Satan!â A female voice said.
The black jaguar turned, saw the woman and vanished.
The woman was the ghost of Rita Hayworth who had been sent from Paradise to Earth on the orders of Saint Michael the Archangel.
As Rita Hayworth sat there in her heavenly white evening dress, the white wolf with blue eyes wagged his tail.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 11th
2018.
Justin Trudeau, Donald Trump and The ET Gray Gali-Gula From Nibiru
Justin Trudeau, Donald Trump and The ET Gray Gali-Gula From Nibiru
On the television in Canadian living rooms was a rare sight- CBC News Anchorman Peter Mansbridge.
Peter Mansbridge: Hi, Iâm Peter Mansbridge. You may remember me as a long time CBC News anchorman from many years ago. You havenât seen me for a while and no doubt thought I was dead. Well I was. But voodoo practicing strategists for the U. S. Democratic Party have brought me back from the dead on condition I go down to the U.S. and vote đł for Hillary Clinton in the 2020 Democratic Party Presidential primaries.
In the meantime, Iâll occasionally appear on The National so you donât think my career is as dead as the dodo bird đŠ.
In the news tonight, Alberta cattle baron and long time Canadian Federal Liberal Party fundraiser and fanatical Justin Trudeau supporter Flyen High was found dead in his hotel room in Calgary last night.
He was apparently killed by a fast acting Amazon poison dart that was fired into his neck.
Police however do not believe that the dart was fired from an Amazon blow gun (since Amazon is not allowed to sell poison dart blow guns in Canada unlike the U. S. where Americansâ right to blow is defended by both the NRA and leading adult female porn star Felicity Fellatio).
Also apparently the guest in the room next door distinctly heard Henry Manciniâs Moon River being played on Greek pan pipes.
This was followed by a loud scream in which a gravel sounding elderly male voice said that his high school sweetheart had broken up with him while they were watching the 1961 film Breakfast At Tiffanyâs.
The scream was then followed by a loud thud as of a body falling to the floor.
When hotel security and the 101-year-old bell boy entered the room, Mr. Flyen Highâs body was found on the bedroom floor with an Amazon tribesmanâs poison dart found lodged in his neck.
Calgary police believe that the Amazon blow dart was fired by the same Greek pan pipes that were playing Moon River only moments before.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tweeted that both he and the Federal Liberal Party treasurer were âvery saddened by Mr. Flyen Highâs death.â
Meanwhile the nationâs most expert political commentators in the cities of Ottawa, Toronto and Montreal are still baffled why an Albertan like Mr. Flyen High was such an enthusiastic Justin Trudeau supporter in a province where the Trudeau family name is considered anathema by most Albertans.
Meanwhile Calgary police report that 300 plastic bags of non-medicinal marijuana (with Mr. Flyen Highâs fingerprints all over them) were found underneath the cattle baronâs hotel room mattress.
This was strange in lieu of the fact that Mr. Justin Trudeauâs law legalizing the use of recreational marijuana doesnât become legal until July 1st this year.
. . .
What had transpired the past 24 hours:
Justin Trudeau (at post G-7 Summit press conference addressing the issue of Donald Trumpâs temper tantrums during the Summit):
âCanadians are polite and reasonable but we will also not be pushed around.â
Donald Trump (on plane âïž en route to Singapore đžđŹ and throwing a temper tantrum on hearing Justin Trudeauâs remarks): âWell, Lexington (speaking to his butler and valet), Iâm not polite, Iâm not reasonable but I also wonât be pushed around either.â
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was walking through his greenhouse when he caught a whiff of pot smoke đš which was being exhaled by his Dr. Cadbury Rocher developed genetic hybrid marijuana smoking cactus đ” plant.
Upon inhaling the smoke, he immediately saw Gali-Gula the ET gray from Nibiru (whose alien đœ body was possessed by the spirit of the ancient Earthling Roman Emperor Caligula) that he always saw every time he inhaled marijuana smoke đš.
âGood God,â shouted Justin, âNot you again.â
âYou know I remember during the days I was the Emperor Gaius Caligula, I always wanted to be worshiped as a god,â Gali-Gula stared dreamily into the night sky shining through the clear roof of the greenhouse.
âWell, then,â Justin retorted,â why donât you use your divine omniscience and tell me what I can do about Donald Trump?â.
âWhy donât you get your Praetorian Guard to bump him off?â Gali-Gula suggested.
âI donât have a Praetorian Guard,â Justin Trudeau answered.
âPity,â Gali-Gula remarked as he drank a cup of Red Rose tea which was available only in Canada đšđŠ.
âIâm beginning to think so,â Justin Trudeau agreed and then suddenly remembered something his father once told him, âSay, werenât you yourself once bumped off by your own Praetorian Guard?â.
Gali-Gula immediately spit out a mouthful of Red Rose tea âïž which immediately extinguished the smoke from the marijuana smoking cactusâ marijuana cigarette much to the former desert plantâs annoyance.
âI try,â Gali-Gula wiped his mouth, âto forget that particular bit of ancient Roman and personal life history.â
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 10th
2018.
Pan Goateeâs Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher
Pan Goateeâs Defence of Aesthetics Before Assassinating A Cattle Rancher
Pan Goatee was on a mission for DARPA.
He had been sent to this city to assassinate a pre-eminent Alberta cattle rancher.
Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA (the actual head of DARPA who was code named Enema Enigma to hide his identity in civilian life was currently in hospital in Dublin undergoing a massive enigmatic enema after having come 2nd in An All The Blocks of Cheese đ§ You Can Eat eating contest losing to an Irish barking dog (as opposed to Irish speaking dog) named Kurt. Kurtâs win for some reason caused the Italian Google Translate search engine to crash) had personally given Pan Goatee his orders for the assassination of the cattle rancher.
Dr. Faustus Imhotep told Pan that the orders for the assassination had come from the very top but did not elaborate as to what the term âvery topâ meant.
He did tell Goatee that the assassination target was a wealthy Alberta cattle rancher who was a major financial donor to the Canadian Federal Liberal Party (which was very unusual for an Albertan) and also a man who was a very enthusiastic supporter of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (also very unusual for an Albertan).
So Goatee deduced that this high ranking official who had ordered the assassination was obviously someone who was very pissed off đĄ with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Goatee was now in this Alberta city to go assassinate the wealthy cattle rancher and enthusiastic supporter of Justin Trudeau.
He was currently riding the Public Transit System Train đ in the city on his way to the hotel where the wealthy cattle rancher was staying.
As Pan Goatee sat in his seat đș while the train pulled in at a train station platform, he noticed an extremely and very repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp approaching towards the train car he was sitting in.
âChoose another car you fatso uglo,â Goatee thought to himself.
Instead the fatso uglo being demonically possessed got on the very train car Goatee was riding in.
Pan immediately reached for his astral laser machete but realized that he had dropped it off at The Invisible Chinamanâs Astral Cleaning Chinese Laundry in Calgaryâs Chinatown to get it cleaned.
Pan had used the machete to try to cut an immensely tough steak đ„© at the Cactus đ” Club restaurant downtown and had spilled the awful tasting massive lumps of gravy all over his machete.
As a result, he was now getting it cleaned.
Pan moved over so that the fat ugly blimp would not sit next to him.
Instead the fat ugly blimp sat right behind him.
Then she crawled next to him and under his seat to pick up some rather long cigarette butts the fat ugly creature intended to smoke later.
âYou fucking ugly looking fat blimp,â Goatee said in a statement that was definitely a brilliant grasp of the obvious, âIâm going to pummel your fat ugly face to bits.â
He proceeded to do just that.
He then ripped her fat ugly body to bits with his long fingernails.
Pan noticed that just before he pummeled the fat ugly blimpâs face to death that a blind man had accidentally pressed Take Photo on his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Mobile Exceptionally Smart Phone while attempting to send a text message in braille to an NFL referee.
âMay I borrow your phone?â Goatee asked the blind man and then spoke to the smart phoneâs avatar helper PANDORA, âwould you please send that last photo taken to the following mobile phone number?â.
Goatee then said aloud the number.
The number belonged to Calgaryâs resident white supremacist leader Brutus Campbell.
Goatee included a text message with the photo of the fat ugly blimp that said, âHey asshole as youâre busy shooting your mouth off about the superiority of the white race, take a look at this photo of this fat ugly blimp which is what the majority of white women look like in this city since youâre too stupid to have noticed.â
Goatee then pressed Send.
Brutus Campbell had moments before just received a text message with accompanying selfie from a black man in drag who said, âHey, I just met an acquaintance who said that youâve recently come out of the closet and youâre looking for a gay trannie to show you the ropes- the BDSM ropes that is.â
No sooner had Brutus Campbell looked at the photo of the black man in drag then the photo of the white raced fat ugly blimp (that Pan Goatee had sent him) appeared to him.
âEgad! Iâm blind! Iâm blind!â Brutus Campbell shouted in what a Masterâs Degree student in Classical Greek (who was writing his Masterâs thesis on the plays of Sophocles) considered the worst performance of Oedipus Rex that he had ever seen as he walked by.
. . .
The toupee wearing man they call Donald Trump was en route to Singapore.
As he noticed red spider monkey fur dandruff drops falling out of his toupee, he wondered if there were any porn stars aboard the plane âïž who would be willing to give him a blow job.
He asked one of his aides to find him one.
Trump had just been attending the G-7 Summit in La Malbaie in the Canadian province of Quebec.
Originally Trump had signed on to the La Malbaie G-7 Summit communique but after watching a televised statement that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau made at a press conference, the U.S. leader threw a temper tantrum and instructed his aides to say he was now signing off.
As Trump thought about how well he was personally defending the interests of American labour, industry and agriculture, he bit into a piece of Alberta grown steak đ„© that he had asked be prepared for him.
As Trump bit into the steak đ„© that had been prepared for him by the Cactus đ” Club restaurant in downtown Calgary, he choked on the extremely tough piece of meat.
âThere will be Hell to pay for this,â Trump shouted as he angrily sent a text message to Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 9th
2018.
Michelangeloâs Dream of The Holy Family In Egypt
June 18, 2018 at 10:52 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (Amadeus Emanon, Donaldramses Twitterakhten, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster, Princess Ananka Ivanka, The Forgotten Asshole Pharaoh of Egypt, wall building)
Michelangeloâs Dream of The Holy Family In Egypt
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep đ€ on his waterproof pillow in his aquarium at the Set Enterprises laboratory.
He was dreaming about Egypt some two millennia ago.
Egypt was ruled by a Pharaoh who had a toupee hair piece made out of red spider monkey fur.
The colour of the toupee was a vomit đ€ź inducing to look upon urine coloured golden yellow that looked extremely grotesquely unnatural.
Even Pharaohâs daughter the Princess Ananka Ivanka had commented on the grotesque appearance of her fatherâs hair.
The Pharaohâs name was Donaldramses Twitterakhten (German Egyptologists pronounced the last two syllables of his last name achtung).
Donaldramses Twitterakten built huge monuments to himself that would have made Percy Shelleyâs Ozymandias look like the epitome of humility.
One of the things he intended to build was a huge wall on Egyptâs border with Palestine to keep out illegal immigrants.
God knows these people created huge problems for previous Pharaohs resulting in one drowning in the Red Sea as a result of some Hebrew tribal god imagining that he was actually the Creator of the Universe.
After all any sensible person would realize that there was no way any god could be superior to he himself the Divine-God Pharaoh Donaldramses Twitterakhten.
And why were these Jews fleeing Judea anyways Pharaoh Donaldramses Twitterakhten thought to himself.
Their ruler King Herod was such a splendid chap.
Donaldramses Twitterakhten himself had proclaimed what a splendid fellow this King Herod was when he met with him in a peace summit on the Isle of Rhodes.
And surely that summit would allow him to win this yearâs Pericles Peace Prize.
Pharaoh already had his soldiers on the border to keep out those nasty Jewish refugees.
Families were stopped at the border and separated.
The parents were arrested for illegal entry into Egypt.
They were put into cages.
The children (separated from their parents) were likewise put into cages.
Into this scene the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph emerged against the backdrop of the Pyramids.
Somehow they managed to avoid Pharaohâs soldiers on the border.
Michelangelo recognized Joseph walking in sandals (alongside the Virgin Mary holding the infant Jesus in her arms as she rode a donkey) from a picture on a waterproof Christmas card that Amadeus Emanon had given him this past Christmas.
Before Michelangelo could say Jack Robinson, Pharaohâs soldiers descended on the Holy Family and surrounded them with spears.
The baby Jesus was separated from Mary and Joseph and put into a cage.
Meanwhile in Alexandria, Pharaoh Donaldramses Twitterakhten received a standing ovation from his most religiously inclined supporters at a Letâs Make Egypt Great Again rally.
Pharaohâs wife as soon as she heard about the policy of separating children from their parents and putting them in cages publicly voiced displeasure with her husbandâs policy.
Pharaoh displeased asked members of his bodyguard to find a way to âaccidentallyâ throw his wife into a pit of poisonous snakes.
There was no way his wife was going to make an asp out of him.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 18th
2018.
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