Qonzilqointec On A December Night In The British Capital
Qonzilqointec On A December Night In The British Capital
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was staying overnight at a hotel in London.
She had spent the past few weeks in Austria.
Soon she would be flying back home to Mexico City.
Early this morning she had woken up in her sleep to discover that locks of her dark hair were being painted golden blonde by someone.
She turned the light on and thought she saw a small teddy bear running away.
She was unable to book an appointment with a hairstylist to get her locks coloured back to her natural colour as most people were booking appointments at this time of year to look their best for Christmas parties.
So Qonzilqointec was attending a
small Christmas party with locks of her hair still coloured a golden blonde.
The Aztec vampiress watched as the Australian High Commissioner to London approached her.
“Did you take a look out the window?” The Commissioner asked her, “There seems to be a white wolf with blue eyes and a black jaguar with silver eyes circling around the building.”
“Well, then this building is secure and well protected then,” Qonzilqointec smiled.
“I’ve heard reports from various British government sources that Prince Andrew the Duke of York was recently bitten by a white wolf with blue eyes and scratched by a black jaguar with silver eyes,” the Australian High Commissioner noted, “that’s why the Prince hasn’t been seen in public lately.”
“I thought it was to avoid lawyers’ subpoenas,” Qonzilqointec finished her drink.
“That too probably,” the High Commissioner acknowledged.
Qonzilqointec looked out the window and noticed the blue-eyed white wolf and silver-eyed black jaguar circling the building.
She left the small gathering and joined the two animals outside.
The three walked back to Qonzilqointec’s hotel.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 12th
2019.
Q’ orianka Kilcher Is Renfield’s Favourite Environmentalist
Q’ orianka Kilcher Is Renfield’s Favourite Environmentalist
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was back in the cozy comfort of his Tewkesbury Bed and Breakfast after an extensive night of door-to-door campaigning the evening before tomorrow’s UK General Election.
“So, how did it go?” His friend Amadeus asked as he ate a strawberry jam covered crumpet.
“It went fine until the very last house,” Renfield answered, “when I dropped all my cue cards. The voter finally closed the door on me by the time I got all my cue cards together in the right order again.”
Taking a cue from British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his British Conservative Party TV ad parodying that famous scene from the 2003 Richard Curtis directed film Love Actually (that starred Hugh Grant) where some shy love struck man finally professes his love to his now married (to his best friend) woman of his dreams by appearing at her door on Christmas Eve and using cue cards to express his love, Renfield decided to use the same technique on his last night of campaigning.
He certainly earned a great deal of money this evening as most people gave him a quid and told him to “bugger off”.
Renfield gave Amadeus his opinion of a recent test flight of a sea plane that happened this week in the Canadian province of British Columbia.
An old late 1950s De Havilland sea plane was fitted with an electric motor and ran its entire flight using electricity.
Harbour Air the Vancouver based company that successfully conducted the 1st all electric sea plane flight was hoping to make its entire fleet of sea planes run on electricity rather than fossil fuels by 2022.
“It’s innovation like this that is going to reduce fossil fuel use and carbon emissions and help the climate and environment, ” Renfield explained, “not the totalitarian Marxist style one world government by 2030 in the name of sustainable development that’s being promoted by the United Nations, George Soros, Jeffrey Sachs, U2 bonehead Bono and Pope Francis in the name of alleviating climate change. Of course apocalyptic soothsayers of doom like Greta Thunberg are causing more people to embrace the UN 2030 Sustainable Development Goals Agenda that if imposed would bring all of humanity under a draconian and despotic future. Orwell’s 1984 will then be complete in 2030.”
“Did you know that Greta Thunberg was named TIME Magazine’s Person of The Year today?” Amadeus asked.
“Shit,” said Renfield.
The MP sipped his hot tea.
“Still I shouldn’t be surprised,” Renfield acknowledged, “an age of hysteria like the age we’re living in is going to impose its accolades on hysterical people.”
“I suppose that’s true,” Amadeus nodded.
“You know,” Renfield gazed into the fire place, “For the past 10 years, the woman who’s probably Hollywood’s most talented actress and yet also one of its least known has been promoting the message of climate change and getting off fossil fuels. She’s been constantly doing this since 2009 when she was acclaimed for her role playing the Hawaiian Crown Princess Ka’iulani in the 2009 film Princess Ka’iulani. Her first breakthrough performance came back in 2005 when she played Pocahontas alongside Colin Farrell’s Captain John Smith in the 2005 film The New World. The first car she ever bought was an electric car long long before Elon Musk ever developed and marketed his Teslas. She makes her own dresses and gowns all made out of recycled materials. And has her own small fashion line doing the same thing.
She goes down to Peru (her father’s ancestral homeland) continuously to help the indigenous peoples living down there. She led a demonstration against Peru’s then President Alan Garcia after his government had massacred indigenous peoples in the Amazon region for daring to stand up to multinational companies in Peru wanting to exploit the region for its resources. And she led that demonstration in Peru. She was the first public figure to expose that massacre to the entire world. She was also arrested twice in the U.S. for demonstrating against Garcia and the U.S. oil companies he was in bed with. Once chaining herself to the White House fence on an occasion in 2011 when Barack Obama met with the genocidal Garcia. She has constantly spoken out on climate change and issues affecting the world’s indigenous peoples. And always does it in a calm, gentle and rational manner. She has an inner strength about her that’s stronger than any outburst of anger or grumpiness. Her gentleness backed by that inner strength cannot really be fought or argued against. So much more effective than someone who comes across as a teenaged poster child for someone desperately in need of taking anger management classes. And Q’orianka has been doing this for 10 years now. How long has this Greta Thunberg been talking about climate change? Just over a year. So why have most people heard of Greta and not Q’orianka? Probably because Q’orianka is an indigenous woman descended from the Quechua peoples of Peru who helped build the Inca Empire and were master mathematicians, architects and astronomers. While Greta on the other hand is white and came from Sweden the first country to give the world pornography and gender re-assignment surgery. We know for all this talk of diversity in the year 2019 where the real power still lies.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 11th
2019.
Q’ orianka Kilcher at the 2nd Annual Legacy Charity Series Gala In Santa Monica California
A Candidates’ Debate and Trump’s Missing Hairpiece
A Candidates’ Debate and Trump’s Missing Hairpiece
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was at another all-party candidates’ debate in his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.
As he waited for the debate to begin, he was reading the notes made by Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger (a 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka usually invisible bunny rabbit) at yesterday’s meeting between Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and Russian President Vladimir Putin hosted by French President Emmanuel Macron and German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the Élysées Palace in Paris.
As Renfield sat sipping his Harvey Wallbanger drink, he noticed Harvey Tallbanger sitting on a chair next to the podium on stage.
The 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit was wearing ballet slippers, shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt.
Renfield deduced that Tallbanger must have read the same blog post about Freddie Mercury once meeting a German record producer that he himself had read earlier today.
Renfield motioned to the pub keeper who was the host and chairperson of tonight’s debate.
“I’d like to buy Harvey Wallbangers for everybody all around,” Renfield said, “both the audience and the fellow candidates.”
“Very good, sir,” the pub keeper host and chairman nodded.
Towards the end of the debate, a thoroughly inebriated woman (who had gone up on stage and kissed Harvey Tallbanger) stood at the podium and microphone and said, “I am concerned about the quality of teachers in our country. I’d now like to read a letter I had recently written to my son’s schoolteacher.”
The woman cleared her throat, “I call it An Open Letter To My Son’s Teacher Who Gave My Son A ‘D’ On The Essay I Wrote For Him.”
Renfield and the rest of the candidates tried hard to contain their laughter.
“Dear madam,” the woman began, “I am extremely and personally hurt and humiliated by the mark you recently gave…”
And so the debate went.
. . .
The U.S. House of Representatives Judiciary Committee today had unveiled two articles of impeachment against U.S. President Donald Trump; abuse of power and obstruction of Congress.
Furious, Trump had tweeted about “do-nothing Democrats on a witch hunt” and then was going out on to the White House lawn to make an official statement to the press.
That’s when he looked in the mirror.
“Lexington,” Trump called out to his British butler and valet, “somebody cut a large piece of hair out of my toupee while I was sleeping. Who would do such a thing? I can’t face the press looking like a complete ass.”
“Well it’s never stopped you before, sir,” Lexington muttered under his breath.
. . .
Actor Rowan Atkinson pulled his Mr. Bean TV show teddy bear out of his suitcase.
He was shocked to see Teddy wearing a golden urine coloured wig.
“Teddy,” Atkinson was shocked, “You look like Donald Trump. Who would do this to you?”.
. . .
Dashwood Forrest owner of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery went to the room where he kept the Portrait of Dorian Gray and also as of yesterday the Portrait of Dorian Gray’s Teddy Bear.
On this evening when he approached the room, he did so with a feeling of trepidation.
For this morning when Forrest had checked on both paintings, the figure of Dorian Gray’s teddy bear had been missing from his painting.
Now as he pulled back the velvet curtains covering both paintings, Forrest was relieved to discover that both figures were safely in their appropriate spots within the frames.
“Oh Teddy,” Forrest looked at the figure of Dorian Gray’s teddy bear, “Where have you been? And what have you been up to?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 10th
2019.
The Portrait of Dorian Gray’s Teddy Bear
The Portrait of Dorian Gray’s Teddy Bear
Dashwood Forrest the owner of The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery had spent the day visiting a London Christmas Market.
On his way home, he had visited a small antique store where he noticed a rather old painting of a child’s teddy bear.
Intrigued by the painting, Forrest had bought the painting for £20 and brought it back to his gallery with him.
He gave the painting a cleaning and noticed the name of the artist- Basil Hallward.
The same artist who had painted the original portrait of Dorian Gray that Forrest had purchased at an estate sale back in October of 2012.
Prior to purchasing that painting, Forrest had just believed that the artist Basil Hallward was a fictional character and the famous portrait of Dorian Gray had been a figment of Oscar Wilde’s imagination.
Back on September 3rd of this year, the figure of Dorian Gray had disappeared from the painting when Hurricane Dorian had struck the Caribbean.
Only to return when the storm finally faded into oblivion.
And now here was a portrait of a teddy bear done by the same man who had painted a portrait of Dorian Gray.
Forrest noticed the year below Basil Hallward’s name -1860- the same year he had painted the picture of Dorian Gray.
Forrest decided to take the frame off and check the back of the canvas of the painting.
There on the back of the canvas of the painting were the words Portrait of Dorian Gray’s Toy Bear- painted 1860.
So Dorian Gray had owned a teddy bear before teddy bears became popular (teddy bears had emerged as a phenomenon back in the early 1900s and the toy bears had in fact been named after Teddy Roosevelt who was the U.S. President of the day).
Forrest went to the secluded room in the gallery where he kept the picture of Dorian Gray.
He hung the portrait of Dorian Gray’s teddy bear next to Gray’s portrait.
He then put the velvet curtains up again in front of both paintings, turned off the lights and closed the door.
Had he stayed in the room a few minutes longer, he’d have noticed the figure of Dorian Gray’s teddy bear in the portrait had gone missing.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 9th
2019.
Pan Goatee and The Disembodied Image On The Basilica
Pan Goatee and The Disembodied Image On The Basilica
Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was thinking about how well his guillotine boomerang invention worked.
He first tried it a couple of days ago.
The guillotine boomerang he had picked up in a 2nd hand shop and it had been sold as a definitely not rare Ernievarius violin from Australia.
The original Ernievarius violin inventor named Uncle Ernie had in fact intended the violin (made out of rubber tires) to serve as a rubber boomerang designed to be extremely user friendly (in other words idiots could use it) so that Australian white guys (who had never quite grasped both the concept and the aerodynamics of the wooden boomerang invented by Australian aborigines) could use it.
But Uncle Ernie’s rubber boomerang had in fact failed its test as a boomerang.
However it turned out to be a highly successful violin designed for those musicians who had to travel long distances in their cars and needed more than one spare tire.
Pan Goatee with his innate Greek satyr wisdom managed to turn the Ernievarius into its original purpose- that of a rubber boomerang.
He had been taking the garbage out a few days ago when he noticed an ugly looking girl walking down the other side of the street.
Goatee happened to have the guillotine boomerang (Ernievarius violin with an attached guillotine blade -also bought in a 2nd hand store- and one that had been personally autographed by Maximilien Robespierre) with him.
So Goatee hurled the guillotine boomerang at the ugly looking disgrace to humanity and cut her head off.
The guillotine boomerang came with a recorded voice- the voice of Britain’s John Cleese saying, “My God but you’re ugly”- just before it cut the ugly looking creature’s head off.
The guillotine boomerang then returned to Goatee’s medieval knight’s metallic armoured glove.
Today Goatee was out walking.
He had of course left the guillotine boomerang at home but he had brought his trusty laser astral machete with him.
He happened to walk past a bus stop where an ugly looking woman stood there with an airport suitcase at her side.
“You no doubt would be a hazard to flying,” Goatee commented as he cut her head off.
As he continued on, he hoped that other passengers and crew on that flight would write him notes of thanks for sparing them the unhappiness of an agonizing flight riding in a plane with such an uglo.
He walked around several blocks and then was walking up a path that led to both a public library and a shopping centre at the end of the trail.
He was approached by an ugly looking woman walking along the path.
“Didn’t you see that sign along the path that said NO TWO LEGGED DOGS ALLOWED! ?” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the reading comprehension challenged uglo.
As Goatee walked along, he wondered if comedian Jimmy Fallon would ever portray him Pan Goatee on Saturday Night Live since Fallon had recently portrayed Justin Trudeau making fun of Donald Trump on the legendary TV program.
. . .
Cerberus the three-headed dog of the Underworld realm of Hades was on his lunch break.
For lunch, he was eating three large king sized medium well done steaks.
The steaks were made from real beef and were not vegan plant based.
That’s because they weren’t really worried about the hazards of climate change in the Underworld since what they called global warming on the earth above had already been happening down here for several millennia.
When he had finished eating, Cerberus still had some time to kill so he went around singing a Latin language version of that old Patti Page song How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?
He text messaged with audio the song performed by all 3 heads to J.K. Rowling to determine whether the Latin pronunciation and grammar was impeccable.
It turned out it was.
Cerberus happily wagged all 3 of his tails.
As he walked back to underworld sentry guard dog duty, Cerberus passed by the ghost of the late former Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke.
Hawke was tied face down to a barbecue where his face had become a possible visual testimony for a commercial about the hazards of not using sunscreen while strolling across the desert.
Cerberus had recently watched a BCC News Story about how Hawke back in 1983 had told his daughter Rosslyn not to press sexual assault charges against Bill Landeryou a fellow MP in Hawke’s Australian Labour Party.
According to an affidavit Rosslyn said she had been sexually assaulted 3 times in 1983 while working in Landeryou’s office.
After the 3rd sexual assault, Rosslyn had approached her father Bob Hawke and said she wanted to go to the police to report it and press charges against Landeryou.
Hawke responded by saying, “You can’t. I can’t have any controversies right now. I am sorry but I am challenging for the leadership of the Labour Party.”
Hawke’s parliamentary colleague Bill Landeryou was likewise down in Tartarus and tied face down to a barbecue.
Every morning, noon and nighttime too, Landeryou was sodomized in the rear end by a gay Cyclops named Pansyianapolis who sported a 90 foot phallus.
As for Hawke, he was sodomized every morning, noon and nighttime too by a gay centaur sporting a 9 foot phallus.
Hawke was always told by the gay centaur not to tell anyone as this might affect the gay centaur’s chances of being elected Prime Minister of Hades.
. . .
Peter Whitstable the man and detective they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was walking down the streets of the Eternal City of Rome.
He had been informed that people in Rome were being attacked and burnt at night by the flaming disembodied head of a silver haired Jesuit priest with a hooked nose.
Whitstable looked in the direction of the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica and there on the dome was a large visual image of the flaming head of a Jesuit priest with a hooked nose.
A group of sinister looking flying gargoyles gathered in front of the dome of Saint Peter’s and cried, “Hail Teilhard!”.
The disembodied head opened its flaming mouth and spoke, “All must worship me.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 8th
2019.
Renfield’s Skating Party
Renfield’s Skating Party
After having spent the previous night on the Norwegian island of Spitsbergen, British MP Renfield R. Renfield returned to his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds to begin his last week of campaigning before next week’s UK General Election.
Tonight he would be hosting a skating party with hot chocolate and marshmallows on a skating pond not far from the town of Tewkesbury.
“It will be nice to see you on skates,” Angelique Dumont remarked to Renfield.
“Actually I won’t be skating,” Renfield said, “I’ll be standing at the back of a one horse open sleigh and handing out cups of hot chocolate and marshmallows to constituents.”
“But we told the local papers you’ll be skating to the music of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake when it is played on the pond’s speakers,” Amadeus noted.
“Why the heck did you do that?” Asked Renfield as he turned pale.
“You had once told a Russian ballerina back in the summer of 2016 when you were reading Hillary Clinton’s emails with her at the Russian Underground Spy Academy in Kiev that you had once skated to the music of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake,” Amadeus pointed out.
“But I just said that to impress her,” Renfield protested, “I don’t know how to skate.”
“Well, this should prove interesting,” Angelique commented.
Later down at the frozen pond, Amadeus and Angelique pushed Renfield on his skates to get him started.
Renfield went screaming and flying and skated straight into a bunch of American CIA agents sent to assassinate him.
He took all the assassins out with one blow as he sent them flying into the snow bank.
Angelique and Amadeus then got Renfield back up and sent him skating again.
Likewise the ineptly skating Renfield skated straight into a bunch of Russian FSB agents sent to assassinate him taking them all out with one blow as he sent them flying into another snow bank.
Angelique and Amadeus once again got Renfield back up on his skates and pushed him on to the ice again.
This time the ineptly skating Renfield skated straight into a group of Vatican based Jesuit assassins and likewise took them all out with one blow sending them flying straight into a snow bank.
“Bravo! Bravo! Great performance!” The spectators applauded thinking that Renfield’s botched skating attempt of Swan Lake and the botched assassination attempts were all a pre-planned part of the show.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 7th
2019.
Saint Nicholas’ Night In Spitsbergen
Saint Nicholas’ Night In Spitsbergen
The Set Enterprises jet landed down at the Spitsbergen International Airport.
On board were British MP Renfield R. Renfield, his friend Amadeus Emanon, members of Renfield’s personal British Army Brigade of Gurkhas and the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever.
Strawberry Fields Forever had been flown to Spitsbergen for safe keeping since Xi Jinping had placed a death edict on him.
Renfield was dressed in the robes of and wearing the mitre of an Eastern Orthodox bishop.
He was also sporting a huge white beard and carrying a bishop’s staff shepherd’s crook.
“Tell me again why you’re dressed like that?” Asked Amadeus.
“Just on the off chance anybody asks, I’m Saint Nicholas the Bishop of Myra here to deliver a gift to the Frozen North Orleans Jazz Cafe in Spitsbergen,” Renfield answered as he practiced his knockout the heretic Arius at the Council of Nicaea punch.
“And the gift is Strawberry Fields Forever?” Amadeus asked.
“Exactly,” Renfield nodded.
When the plane finally halted, Renfield got off the plane in his bishop’s robe and gave his Apostolic episcopal blessing on the frozen wasteland.
Renfield imparted the Sign of The Cross blessing and said, “Ho-te-deum. Ho-te-deum. Ho-te-deum.”
“What does that mean?” Amadeus inquired.
“That’s Ho-Ho-Ho in Latin,” Renfield grinned underneath his beard.
“But I thought Saint Nicholas was a Greek bishop,” Amadeus noted.
“Oh shut up, Amadeus,” Renfield tripped over his bishop’s staff shepherd’s crook and went tumbling down the plane stairs.
“And I just text messaged J.K. Rowling,” Amadeus looked at his smart phone, “and she answered back right away. That isn’t how you say Ho-Ho-Ho in Latin.”
“I’ve got more important things to worry about,” Renfield stood up on his feet, “like I just froze my ass off hitting the ice on the airport tarmac.”
Suddenly a huge beam of light came down on the plane.
“This is Norwegian Immigration Authorities,” a voice said, “we want to see your identification papers.”
“We don’t have any,” Renfield answered back.
Suddenly a group of armed Norwegian Immigration officials surrounded them.
“We didn’t think you did Immigration checks here in the frozen wasteland of Spitsbergen,” Renfield called out, “We didn’t think you Immigration and Customs types enjoyed freezing your asses off.”
“We don’t,” said the snarky Immigration official, “we don’t enjoy freezing our balls off either if we had any. Mostly we’re at Customs and Immigration points where we harass tourists from Spain. But a psychic talking lutefisk on the King of Norway’s silver plate in his palace had a vision of a man dressed up as Saint Nicholas the Bishop of Myra up to no good on the island of Spitsbergen on the Night of the Feast of Saint Nicholas. That’s why we’re here.”
“No doubt, the psychic talking lutefisk also told you about the cartloads of illegal lutefisk we’re trying to smuggle into Spitsbergen in the cargo section of the plane,” said Renfield.
“What?” The Norwegian Immigration official immediately shit his pants which immediately turned to ice on this godforsaken frozen night, “Everybody unlock and search the cargo boxes.”
All the Norwegian Immigration officials immediately took the lids off the cargo crate boxes and dove in.
“But, Renfield,” Amadeus pointed out to his friend, “There’s no lutefisk in those crates. The Boss (the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) stocked them with crocodiles to give Strawberry Fields Forever extra protection during his stay at the Frozen North Orleans Jazz Cafe.”
“Silly me, I forgot,” Renfield grinned sheepishly as the Norwegian Immigration officials uttered loud shrill piercing screams while they were eaten alive by crocodiles who were busy enjoying their first night in frozen Spitsbergen.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 6th
2019.
Canada’s Throne Speech and Krampus Carries Off Vienna’s Cardinal Schonborn
Canada’s Throne Speech and Krampus Carries Off Vienna’s Cardinal Schonborn
“So,” Amadeus asked his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield, “Did you hear that after Justin Trudeau had finished making fun of Donald Trump at the Buckingham Palace reception the other night, he grabbed a box of opium laced catnip, came out to the Set Estate, gave the opium laced catnip to the Boss’ guard and watch cat Nefertiti Galore to send her off to La-La-Land and then proceeded to engage in mystical communion with the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever?”.
“I heard that,” Renfield acknowledged after he watched the garbage men sanitation engineers getting high after emptying the garbage cans containing Nefertiti Galore’s cat litter.
“I assume that Justin then probably met his alien friend Gali-Gula the ET gray from Planet Nibiru who’s possessed by the spirit of the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula?” Amadeus ate his toast.
“Harvey Tallbanger tells me that he did,” Renfield nodded, “Gali-Gula helped Trudeau write the Canadian Governor-General’s Speech From The Throne which was read today at the opening of the new session of the Canadian Parliament in Ottawa.”
Amadeus read from the Canadian throne speech on his laptop the following words, “We all share the same space/time continuum on the same planetary spaceship.”
“I think Justin was not the only one inhaling Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke,” Renfield remarked, “Gali-Gula must have imbibed a great deal as well to pen that whopper of a line.”
“Moving on to another subject,” Amadeus read to Renfield the following news item, “It was announced this past December 3rd that Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen who was 20th Century America’s greatest Roman Catholic evangelist and preacher has had his beatification ceremony postponed. He was supposed to be beatified this coming December 21st but the ceremony has been postponed. Apparently the first time in Church history that a beatification ceremony has been postponed. What’s up with that?”.
“Apparently certain members of the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops objected to Sheen being beatified,” Renfield replied.
“Why would they object to Sheen being beatified?” Amadeus inquired.
“Because Sheen was a staunch anti-Communist and what’s more he was truly intellectual and scholarly in his anti-Communism unlike most members of the John Birch Society. Therefore true Communists detested Sheen even more than they did the John Birch Society whom they just regarded as a bunch of “proletarian deplorables”. An elitist attitude still shared by 21st Century female Marxist candidates for President.”
“You’re saying certain members of the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops are Communists?” Amadeus was shocked.
“Yes, either Communist or predatory homosexual (who sexually assault altar boys and young seminarians) or both,” Renfield nodded, “Sheen did not get along well with the predatory homosexual Archbishop of New York City Francis Cardinal Spellman. Hence Spellman’s modern day disciples among the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops can’t stand Sheen either.”
“Wow,” Amadeus shook his head.
“Elizabeth Scalia an airheaded associate of the ludicrous Bishop Robert Barron who thinks Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot are in Heaven since there’s nobody in Hell according to his Dare We Hope That All Are Saved? Theology (both Jesus of Nazareth and Raymond Red Reddington of The Blacklist could easily tell him “No.”) tried to say that Sheen himself was gay by calling him a “flouncy” in one of her Twitter tweets. She obviously never saw the episode of What’s My Line? where Archbishop Sheen as a guest easily charmed the women panelists. Most women can easily tell whether a man is gay or not unless of course they’re as stupid as Elizabeth Scalia.”
“Who’s leading the USeless Conference of Catholic Bishops’ charge against Bishop Sheen’s beatification?” Amadeus inquired.
“The spirit of Antichrist filled Archbishop of New York City Timothy Cardinal Dolan and the spirit of Antichrist filled Archbishop of Chicago Blaise Cardinal Cupich,” Renfield answered, “The usual suspects.”
. . .
Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was walking the streets of Vienna the Austrian capital.
He stood in front of Saint Stephen’s Cathedral in Vienna where recently a Baphomet worshipping music and dance concert was held there with the permission of Christoph Cardinal Schonborn the Archbishop of Vienna.
As Whitstable stood there, he suddenly noticed Cardinal Schonborn himself walking down the street.
Suddenly Krampus the infamous half-goat half demon who used to follow around the saintly bishop Saint Nicholas came down the street.
Krampus was carrying his bag full of naughty individuals he was taking to Hell on this Krampusnacht (the evening of December 5th- the night before the Feast Day of Saint Nicholas which was December 6th).
Krampus picked up Cardinal Schonborn with his hairy arms and threw him into his bag.
He then went down a sewer no doubt on his way to Hell.
Whitstable bought himself a candy cane from a street corner Santa Claus.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 5th
2019.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec singing at a concert hall in Vienna while outside in the streets, Krampus is carrying Vienna’s screaming Archbishop Cardinal Schonborn in a bag on his way to Hell.
Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau
Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a lounge in a London hotel and discussing the day’s NATO Summit events with his friends Mei-ling Manchu, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.
“So I see Donald Trump, while he was in a press conference meeting with Angela Merkel this morning,” Amadeus bit into his nut spread and sauerkraut sandwich, “said that Justin Trudeau was “two-faced”. What do you think of that description of the Canadian Prime Minister?”.
“Well, I suppose, since Justin Trudeau occasionally wears blackface,” Renfield answered, “Being “two-faced” might be an accurate description.”
“Doesn’t he also wear brown face and a turban when he’s pretending to be Aladdin’s genie?” Angelique Dumont inquired.
“And a green face when he’s pretending to be a Martian to impress giggling teen-aged pot smoking desert cactus girls?” Mei-ling Manchu added.
“I think Trump was angry because Justin Trudeau made fun of him in what the Canadian Prime Minister thought was a private conversation between himself, Boris Johnson, Emmanuel Macron and the Dutch Prime Minister at last night’s NATO banquet reception hosted by Her Majesty the Queen at Buckingham Palace, wasn’t he?” Amadeus downed his Earl Grey tea.
“Could be,” Renfield nodded, “although Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger reports that a man wearing blackface and a turban was seen walking on the terrace outside Melania Trump’s bedroom last night. And Harvey said Melania this morning left her room smiling like the Mona Lisa.”
“Like a moth to a flame eh?” Mei-ling quipped in reference to the U.S. First Lady’s fashion faux-pas at the Buckingham Palace reception last night.
“Speaking of flames, is the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever going to be returned to Justin Trudeau?” Amadeus asked.
“Apparently not,” Renfield shook his head, “Set Enterprises is still worried about the threat posed to Strawberry Fields Forever’s life by Xi Jinping’s death edict written in medieval Imperial Mandaran – a scroll that Sydney Australia based billionaire Mr. Inn Lu was able to translate. And security on the Trudeau estate in Ottawa is pretty lax seeing as how it’s overseen by Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot-smoking sheriff of the mystical hippy commune village of Calypso’s Bosom. Therefore Set Enterprises is moving Strawberry Fields Forever to the safety of a jazz cafe on the island of Spitsbergen. They don’t think that PRC Ministry of State Security operatives will want to freeze their asses off on an assassination mission in Spitsbergen.”
“From what I know of PRC Ministry of State Security operatives, that assessment is probably correct,” Mei-ling Manchu nodded.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 4th
2019.
NATO Summit London
NATO Summit London
Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron met and wrestled with one another.
Macron asked, “What’s the purpose of NATO? There is no purpose to NATO. The Cold War has been over for almost 30 years.”
Trump responded, “We have new enemies. China is the new enemy.”
The Donald mentioned this even as he was placing an order for Chinese food on his Huawei smart phone.
Then at 10 Downing Street, Boris Johnson hosted a dinner meeting with Emmanuel Macron, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
Macron and Erdogan then got into a wrestling match over NATO.
“NATO is brain dead,” said Macron.
“On the contrary, you’re brain dead,” Erdogan responded, “for not knowing what a terrorist is.”
“What is a terrorist?” Angela Merkel asked as she applied pancake makeup and a maple syrup facial cream mask to her face.
“Anybody of Kurdish ancestry,” Erdogan answered as he held the French leader in a choke hold.
“Who am I going to wrestle with?” Angela Merkel asked Boris Johnson as Erdogan and Macron continued to wrestle with one another on the kitchen table knocking over plates and dishes.
Boris Johnson said he was going to step outside for a moment in an effort to avoid wrestling with Angela Merkel.
As Johnson stepped outside 10 Downing Street, a reporter asked him, “Mr. Johnson, how many children do you have?” which was a question the British Prime Minister was recently asked in a BBC TV interview.
“I don’t know how many children I have,” Johnson answered angrily which was the same response he gave the BBC interviewer.
“Now there’s a frightening thought,” the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu remarked to British MP Renfield R. Renfield as they were sitting in a 2nd floor office at 10 Downing Street, “Boris Johnson has done it so many times with different women, he doesn’t know how many children he’s had.”
“That is a frightening thought,” Renfield admitted as his hair started to stand on end.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 3rd
2019.
