Morgana and Dracul, Vampyra and The Kabbalistic Cardinal
The Welsh Vampiress MP Morgana sitting on top of her coffin in an Estate’s private forest in London
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had gone to the Austenbronte Estate in London where the Welsh vampiress Morgana kept her coffin filled with her native Welsh soil.
He had received a phone call from her to meet her there.
As he approached her, she sat on her coffin smelling a flower she had found growing in the late February snow.
“Some flowers are blooming early,” Dracul remarked.
“And thistles aren’t far behind,” Morgana answered.
“And who are the thistles?” Dracul deduced that Morgana was speaking in code.
Morgana continued to smell the flower, “It was someone at the Vatican who sent those demon worshipping Tibetan Buddhist monks to try to cast a spell on my parliamentary colleague Renfield with their demon possessed musical instruments a few nights ago.”
“Yes, Renfield was forced to cancel attending last evening’s London premiere of the movie Captain Marvel because the Church of England’s leading exorcist Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds was forced to perform an exorcism on Renfield’s container of Gillette Shaving Cream in Renfield’s bathroom last night,” Van Helsing noted, “although I’m surprised Renfield didn’t give up using that product weeks ago after that fruity Gillette commercial hit the TV airwaves back in January.”
Last night’s London premiere of Captain Marvel: Which Renfield was unable to attend due to a close encounter with a demon possessed container of Gillette Shaving Cream
“And would you like to know who gave the order for the Tibetan demonic attack on Renfield?” Morgana asked the vampire hunter.
“I would,” Dracul took out his notebook and his ink dipped raven feather quill pen.
“Someone who goes around the Vatican singing Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina,” Morgana smiled.
. . .
Samhain Cardinal Salaman lay in bed at the Vatican.
He hoped he wouldn’t be awakened again early in the morning by a certain bozo in white robes who went around singing the same song from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Evita every morning.
He fell asleep and dreamed he met the 1950s American TV horror movie hostess Vampyra who sat on a coffin and offered him a smoky concoction.
Cardinal Salaman eagerly drank the smoking potion.
He soon found himself transported to the Vatican Gardens where he encountered the gypsy vampiress Stephania Borgia:
Stephania Borgia informed him, “If you wish to be the next Pope, you’re going to have to convince Francis to elevate a Welsh werewolf to the Cardinalate.”
“Where am I going to find a Welsh werewolf?” The Kabbalistic magician cardinal asked himself.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 28th
2019.
Semiramis and Dracul, An ET Gray and Justin Trudeau
Semiramis the Queen of Babylon plays an Adolf Hitler speech on the radio
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had once again gone back in time to February 1944 a few months before the D-Day invasion of Normandy in pursuit of the time travelling Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau vampire officer Franz Kohler.
He was once again operating in an Orson Welles black and white film space-time dimension as he time travelled using the Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr magic lantern prototype film projector.
Tonight he found himself in a London England hotel room on the date of February 27th 1944 a few months before the D-Day invasion of Normandy.
The room was registered to Semiramis the Queen of Babylon.
As Semiramis sat there looking incredibly sexy in a tight blouse and tight skirt, she was playing on the radio a speech Adolf Hitler was delivering to a Let’s Make Germany Great Again rally in Berlin:
Hitler was telling the German people what to do in the event of an allied invasion of Nazi occupied Europe.
Now Dracul Van Helsing’s German was a little rusty (much like a harp playing talking rooster character who appeared on a Canadian children’s TV show The Friendly Giant that he watched as a kid) but he was pretty sure Der Fuhrer was saying 😈,
“Ve shall fight in France, ve shall fight on the seas and the oceans, ve shall fight on the beaches, ve shall fight on the landing grounds, ve shall fight in the fields and in the streets, ve shall fight in the hills, ve shall never surrender…”
“So Van Helsing,” Semiramis smiled at him, “it appears Der Fuhrer is a plagiarist among his many other charming attributes.”
“That appears to be the case,” Van Helsing agreed.
Before the evening was over, Semiramis and Dracul Van Helsing were engaged in some kinky tantric sex.
While in the hotel room next door, Franz Kohler of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau was phoning down to room service complaining that the sausages and sauerkraut he was getting in England didn’t taste as good as what he got over in Germany.
. . .
The ET gray Gali-Gula from the planet Nibiru (who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula) sat in a chair drowning his sorrows in a bottle of beer:
He wondered if his severe drinking problem was starting to affect his liver as he was starting to look more yellow than gray these days.
The source of all his troubles was that his friend Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wasn’t able to see him (Gali-Gula) to receive advice.
And the result of his not being able to give Justin advice was causing the Canadian Prime Minister to slide into a political quagmire from which he might not be able to remove himself (not even if Donald Trump threw him a lifeline made up of New York City deli baloney sausages).
And of course the reason Justin was no longer able to see the little ET gray was because he was no longer inhaling pot.
When Justin had his genetically created marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever still available to him in his greenhouse, he was able to go into the greenhouse and inhale the desert cactus plant’s pot exhale and then truthfully told the news media that he didn’t personally smoke pot.
However as a result of the Canadian government arresting Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou at Vancouver International Airport at the behest of the U.S. government, the Chinese government in an act of revenge had sent vampiress Mei-ling Manchu to kidnap Justin’s prickly pot smoking little buddy.
The plant was now being held in a mystical pot smoking 1960s hippy commune that had vanished off the face of the Earth back in July 1969 and only appeared again to human eyes once every 7 years.
As a result of all this, Justin was not able to get wise advice from Gali-Gula since he was unable to see him.
Having once been a Roman Emperor who was slain by his own Praetorian Guard, the Imperial Roman spirit possessed ET gray was a wealth of wisdom on what not to do when governing and ruling.
And now Justin was caught up in the SNC-Lavalin scandal whereby he was accused of trying to persuade his then Minister of Justice and Attorney-General of Canada Jody Wilson-Raybould last year to drop criminal prosecution charges against the Quebec-based construction company SNC-Lavalin on charges of trying to bribe the then Libyan government of Col. Muammar Qaddafi (prior to his overthrow by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton who now condemn Russia for interfering in U.S. internal politics) a decade ago.
SNC-Lavalin is coincidentally one of the biggest financial donors to the Federal Liberal Party of Canada of which Justin Trudeau is the leader.
Jody Wilson-Raybould did not assent to Justin’s pressure and the court case went ahead.
Last month however Justin had demoted Jody Wilson-Raybould to a lesser cabinet position.
Wilson-Raybould eventually resigned from cabinet and today she testified before a Canadian House of Commons committee on the pressure she faced from the Prime Minister’s office.
Justin (after watching hours of video of Donald Trump telling real whoppers to the media and voters) held a press conference of his own to answer Jody Wilson-Raybould’s charges.
Gali-Gula sat at the back of the press corps and wept.
Visual animation commentary for BBC News of the event was provided by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster of Set Enterprises who drew a cartoon with his lobster claws of Justin Trudeau throwing Jody Wilson-Raybould under a bus.
This did not bode well for Justin’s image as a self-proclaimed feminist and as a self-proclaimed defender of indigenous aboriginal rights.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 27th
2019.
Drum Playing and Raising Evil Spirits
“So,” Renfield addressed his dinner companions Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont, “I see the fruity Canadian priest Father Thomas Rosica has resigned from the board of St. Michael’s University College in Toronto for committing plagiarism.”
“Good thing you’re not committing plagiarism,” Miss Dumont pointed to his t- shirt that said, RENFIELD R.RENFIELD MP: Putting The Great Back In Great Britain.
“It is indeed,” Renfield nodded, “if I wore something that said Make Britain Great Again, a group of Druids might surround me and start playing their drums to send evil spirits against me.”
“I really don’t understand that last statement,” Amadeus commented as he sat trying to read Ovid’s Metamorphoses in the original Latin as he ate his 24″ inch Tuscan Pizza Special.
“Well when that demon-possessed native Omaha elder Nathan Phillips who said he fought in Vietnam (when he didn’t) met those Covington Catholic High School students who wore those Make America Great Again caps on their heads at a protest in Washington DC, he started playing his drum quite vigourously. Most palefaces in the U.S. and particularly those brainless palefaces who work at CNN, The Washington Post and The New York Times are unaware that within most native American traditions in the U.S. and Canada, the playing of ceremonial drums is done to invoke spirits. And those native Americans who are in the know like my good friend the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka say that the way Phillips was playing his drums, he was trying to invoke evil spirits against the boys. That however was totally lost on the U.S. media, the super perverts of the Hollywood establishment and numerous brainless U.S. Catholic bishops – those who would want to have their lips surgically attached to the buttocks of the demons Baal and Baphomet anyways.”
“Wow, that’s amazing,” Amadeus text messaged J.K. Rowling to ask her the meaning of certain Latin words, “That’s very interesting.”
“Princess Tanaka informs me that the demon possessed kraken Tutsokiua (Tutsokiua is the Blackfoot First Nations word for Devil) recently awakened from its Lovecraftian sleep of 5000 years at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake in Canada’s Waterton Lakes National Park and is now prowling the North American continental landscape,” Renfield admired a reproduction of an A.Y. Jackson painting of a buffalo (that the artist had painted from the rear end of an train) that hung on the restaurant wall.
“I wonder what roused Tutsokiua from his sleep,” Amadeus mused aloud as he watched a video of Pope Francis falling asleep during a Latin Tridentine Mass which he received from J.K. Rowling in response to one of his questions.
“I understand it was words spoken in Korean read aloud from a medieval Korean edition of The Necronomicon by Kim Jong-un broadcasting by radio to a North Korean ship sailing in the Caribbean Sea a few years back when things weren’t so rosy between North Korea and the U.S.that did it,” Renfield ate a Korean dumpling, “Kim was trying to raise a demon possessed Carribean kraken from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea to attack Florida to make scrambled green eggs and ham out of Donald Trump’s golf courses and put a major crimp into New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s sex life. But the transmission sound waves went northwards instead of downwards and floated in a northwesterly direction for quite a time period until they reached Upper Waterton Lake where they raised Tutsokiua.”
New Orleans vampiress Angelique Dumont was watching a developing BBC News story on the restaurant’s television about how a rare medieval Vietnamese language edition copy of The Necronomicon had just gone missing from a Hanoi bookshop prior to the start of the Donald Trump-Kim Jong-un Hanoi Summit.
Renfield looked at the TV and remarked, “Well that should make for an interesting summit. Perhaps Lovecraft’s great old one Cthulhu will show up.”
Renfield went outside where, while wearing his RENFIELD R.RENFIELD MP: Putting The Great Back In Great Britain t-shirt, he was surrounded by a group of Tibetan Buddhist monks (who came from a Tibetan Buddhist monastery that worshipped the demons of the Tibetan Buddhist religion) that started playing conch shell horns, flutes made of human thighbones and drums made out of two inverted human skull caps placed back to back.
“Help!” Renfield cried.
Fortunately the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka happened to be in the neighbourhood with her two wolf protectors:
The monks pursued by the wolves fled to a nearby movie theatre.
The theatre was showing a live broadcast of the Hindu god Shiva conducting the Swiss National Symphony Orchestra in playing his newly written piece Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony Meets Freddie Mercury’s Bohemian Rhapsody.
Meanwhile over in Hanoi, Kim Jong-un was trying to impress Donald Trump with his knowledge of medieval Vietnamese.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 26th
2019.
Renfieldian Hypnosis: Donald Trump Sings Marty Robbins’ Out In The West Texas Town of El Paso – Updated Version
“Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl…”
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was learning from the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria the very powerful techniques of hypnosis they practiced in that ancient civilization.
Renfield had told his good friend Amadeus Emanon that he was going to use a Lemurian hypnosis technique on Donald Trump just prior to the Donald’s giving his acceptance speech for the Presidential nomination at the Republican National Convention in 2020.
Curious as to what Renfield was up to, Amadeus decided that he couldn’t wait that long.
He went to see Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster at the Set Enterprises laboratory to see if the psychic little crustacean could pick up images from the 2020 Republican Convention.
It turned out that Michelangelo could.
Amadeus watched the convention on the television next to the lobster tank as Michelangelo worked his lobster antennae to the max and Harvey the invisible rabbit did the same with the rabbit ears on the old television.
Here was the scene at the Convention just prior to Trump giving his convention acceptance speech:
Convention Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States… Donald Trump…
Trump walks on to the stage waving to the crowd as the musical theme Hail To The Chief is being played.
While the musical theme Hail To The Chief is being played, rare 19th Century film footage of Lakota Sioux Chief Sitting Bull being hit by hail stones during a hail storm is projected on to the large film screen behind Trump.
“I see Renfield managed to successfully hypnotize the film projectionist at the Convention,” Amadeus remarked to Michelangelo.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Trump told the cheering and adoring crowd, “I’m not going to give an acceptance speech. Instead I’m going to sing a song…”
Trump grabbed the microphone, walked up the stage and started to sing,
“Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl,
On the U.S.-Mexico border, I arranged to meet her,
And as I rode, I thought of a thousand ways to greet her,
but when I arrived on the scene, I found that some idiot had built there a wall,
and found out by hitting my head against it, it caused my fine looking toupee to fall…”
When Trump had finished singing about how he had fallen in love with a Mexican girl out in the West Texas town of El Paso, he walked backstage where he was hit full force in the face by Melania’s purse.
The First Lady was quite upset with the song’s lyrics.
A secret service agent talked in code on his walkie talkie, “Hello Jupiter, this is Top Dog. Shit Hole is down. Repeat. Shit Hole is down. He requires urgent medical attention. Fiery Slovenian has hit him. Repeat. Fiery Slovenian has hit him.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 25th
2019.
Atargatis and Dracul, Kali and Lexus Decameron
The northern Syrian goddess Atargatis toasts the morning after an evening of tantric sex with a vampire hunter
“Good morning, Mr. Van Helsing,” the goddess Atargatis toasted the Canadian vampire hunter with vodka after a night of tantric lovemaking.
“Good morning,” Van Helsing replied, “Is that an original Lexus Decameron oil painting I see behind you?”.
“It is,” Atargatis smiled, “it’s a painting of me in my mermaid form stealing Poseidon’s trident.”
“He’s captured the top part of you very well,” Van Helsing noted, “as for the bottom, I can’t say because I’ve never seen you in your mermaid form nor would I want to. Because I prefer my fish with chips and malt vinegar wrapped up in a basket of newspapers bought from Cockney Kids Fish ‘N Chips Shop.”
“My human bottom part is quite satisfied with you, Van Helsing,” Atargatis laughed, “so no fish tail soup for you.”
Van Helsing grabbed himself some ginger beer rather than vodka to drink and looked at the painting, “But I seem to recall my art gallery curator friend Dashwood Forrest saying that Lexus Decameron was born in 1970 and didn’t actually start painting until 2013. So what is a Lexus Decameron painting doing in a New York City hotel room in February 1944?”.
“The answer is simple like Donald Trump’s mind, Mr. Van Helsing,” Atargatis smiled like the Mona Lisa, “I brought it with me from the future.”
“And is this painting of you stealing Poseidon’s trident exactly how it happened?” Van Helsing asked inquisitively.
“It is,” Atargatis answered explicitly, “it happened off the small Greek island of Christopheros where Lexus Decameron has his studio. He was out swimming at the time and he saw me steal it. The man has a photographic memory. He used that memory to paint this picture.”
“I imagine my friend Peter Whitstable of Interpol would love to get his hand on that painting and use it as evidence,” Van Helsing looked at the picture of the sub-oceanic theft.
“Which is why I bought the painting from the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London,” Atargatis laughed as she ate a smoked oyster and washed it down with vodka, “because Lexus Decameron doesn’t allow copies or reproductions of his work. So I’ve got the evidence. And an artistic masterpiece as well.”
“It’s a fine body of work,” Van Helsing had to admit.
“As am I, Mr. Van Helsing, as am I,” she kissed him on the lips.
. . .
The Hindu goddess Kali had gone to the quiet tranquil Greek island of Christopheros to escape the noise her husband Shiva was making while composing a musical piece called Beethoven’s 9th Symphony Meets Freddie Mercury’s Bohemian Rhapsody which he was planning to perform with the Swiss National Symphony Orchestra.
While there, she visited the Lexus Decameron Studio where she admired his paintings.
“Where is Mr. Decameron at the moment?” She asked his housekeeper.
“At a friend’s studio in Paris,” the housekeeper answered, “French President Emmanuel Macron hired him to paint a picture of a living Statue of Liberty that the French President will give as a gift to Donald Trump in hopes that it will renew their fraternal brotherly romance.”
“And who’s he planning to use as a model?” Kali asked.
“The Egyptian goddess Isis who happens to live in Paris,” the housekeeper answered.
Kali thought to herself, “Why should Egyptian goddesses have all the fun?”.
She divinely teleported herself to Paris to the studio where Decameron was working.
And asked him to use her as a model.
Decameron agreed.
The painting went well except for the fact that the flaming torch the painter gave Kali was rather high and the ceiling of his friend’s studio was rather low.
In the resulting 10 alarm fire, goddess, painter and painting managed to escape to safety.
But all that Lexus Decameron could remember of the scene before the smoke detector fire alarm went off was the following:
But still he hoped that Emmanuel Macron and Donald Trump would like the painting.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 24th
2019.
Atargatis and Van Helsing, Whitstable and Priyanka, Sherrielock Holmes and Maduro
The northern Syrian mermaid goddess Atargatis in human form
The northern Syrian mermaid goddess Atargatis had shapeshifted into fully human form and was sitting in a luxury hotel suite in a swank New York City hotel in February of 1944.
A huge battle was currently going on between time travellers.
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was battling Nazi SS Ahnenerbe officer Franz Kohler up and down the corridors of time and various epochs in history.
Kohler was using the technology of Die Glocke a bell shaped space-going and time travelling Nazi UFO like saucer craft.
Dracul Van Helsing was using the Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr prototype magic lantern film projector to travel back and forth through time.
Also interfering in the time travelling war was the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland being run by scientists who were indulging in far too much use of legalized recreational Canadian cannabis.
Also partaking in the pot inhalation was the Hindu god Shiva (whose statue was outside the CERN tunnel) who as a result was trying to conduct the Swiss National Symphony Orchestra into conducting a personal musical number that the deity was composing tentatively called Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony Meets Freddie Mercury’s Bohemian Rhapsody.
The first negative critic of the piece was Shiva’s wife Kali who was using all ten of her arms to cover her ears and when that didn’t work had fled to an artist’s studio on a quiet Greek island.
Now the conflict between Van Helsing and Kohler had turned to New York City in February 1944 a few months before the June D-Day Invasion of Normandy.
Van Helsing had just managed to evade arrest by Astana Kazakhstan police authorities for an assassination attempt on Russian President Vladimir Putin and the supernatural entity Black Dragon of Beijing.
The vampire hunter did have an alibi in that he was being spanked by and having tantric sex with the vampiress Golgotha (vampiress daughter of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith) at the time.
But the Astana Kazakhstan authorities were the type to torture first and ask questions later.
So Van Helsing pressed the button on his Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr protype magic lantern and found himself in New York City in February 1944.
As a result of Orson Welles one of the inventors of the Magic Lantern (whose prototype was finally completed by Austro-American actress and inventor Hedy Lamarr) loving to direct films in black and white, the world Van Helsing found himself in as he was time travelling was often in black and white.
“So, Mr. Van Helsing,” the human formed goddess Atargatis greeted him as he landed on her Persian rug in her elegant New York City suite, “I suppose you’re here to ask, where have I hidden the Greek sea god Poseidon’s trident?”.
Van Helsing decided to engage in French kissing with the elegant black silk blouse and elegant white skirt wearing northern Syrian goddess instead.
As for the whereabouts of Poseidon’s trident… well that was all Greek to Van Helsing.
. . .
The mermaid Priyanka on the rocks at Vancouver’s English Bay.
Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was walking along the beach at Vancouver’s English Bay.
He had spent the past couple of weeks traversing British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula trying to find Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever who had been abducted by the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (the daughter of Fu Manchu) as vengeance for the Canadian arrest at Vancouver International Airport of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.
The pot smoking cactus plant would be freed when Meng Wanzhou was fully freed.
The plant had been hidden in the pot smoke covered hippy village of Calypso’s Bosom (a New Age Aquarian Age equivalent of Scotland’s mystical village of Brigadoon) on the Peninsula that had vanished off the face of the earth back in 1969 when Neil Armstrong said “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for…” and there the transmission had ended when all the hippy commune members’ minds had blown simultaneously and the village had disappeared in a mystical marijuana laced mist of pot smoke.
The village/hippy commune only appeared once every 7 years for a single day and a single night.
Only supernatural entities such as vampiresses, gods and goddesses could access the village in the “meantime and in-between time” as an old Stampede Wrestling ring side announcer might phrase it.
Whitstable had hoped that by carrying the supernatural relic of the right hand middle finger of the last Knights-Templar Grand Master Jacques de Molay (the same middle finger that de Molay had raised towards his papal interrogators and his French Royal Army captors as he was being burnt at the stake on the night of March 18th 1314) in his pocket that he’d be able to locate the elusive village/hippy commune but no such luck.
It would be another few years before the village/hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom appeared on its own again.
In the meantime Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was pulling his hair out (and might end up having to wear a toupee like his southern neighbour Donald Trump) until his pot smoking prickly little buddy Strawberry Fields Forever was returned to him.
As Whitstable approached the mermaid Priyanka leaning against a rock, he recognized her.
The mermaid might be able to help him with another case he was working on.
The Greek god of the sea Poseidon had recently reported to Interpol that his trident had been stolen.
“Excuse me, Priyanka,” Whitstable greeted the mermaid, “Do you know where Poseidon’s trident is?”.
. . .
World famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was in Caracas Venezuela on a mission for the British government.
British House of Commons Covert Intelligence Committee Co-Chairman Renfield R. Renfield had decided that drastic action must be taken against Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro for Venezuelan Army soldiers gunning down innocent civilians who were trying to bring food and medical supplies across the Venezuelan-Brazilian border.
Sherrielock Holmes was across from Maduro’s Presidential Palace carrying a poison tipped umbrella.
The poison in the umbrella tip would render Maduro permanently impotent.
The only antidote to the “permanently impotent” poison would be a sperm transfusion from Donald Trump.
Something Maduro would be most reluctant to consider.
When Maduro left the palace, Sherrielock KO’d Maduro’s entire bodyguard with karate kicks.
She then injected the umbrella’s poisoned tip into Maduro’s penis.
The Venezuelan President was now permanently (as opposed to 95% of the time) impotent.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 23rd
2019.
Meanwhile in the room next door in the swank New York City hotel in February 1944, the Norse goddess Freya had knocked out Franz Kohler with a bottle of French champagne.
“What a sad waste of French champagne!” Freya thought to herself.
Nice Work On The Trinity Case, Mr. Albion: A Poem
“Nice work on the Trinity case, Mr. Albion.”
They came to Hollywood by the dozens
In search of fame and fortune
Positive they’d be the next goddess of the silver screen
Girls from the mid-west, girls from the northeast, girls from the south,
Girls from Canada
and girls from Mexico.
Such a girl was Trinity Esperanza
From Mexico City
19, she’d come to Hollywood with stars in her eyes
A week later
She had disappeared
A woman from another country
disappeared?
Who cares was the attitude here
Her disappearance wasn’t even reported in the press here
Just another foreigner who disappeared
Carson Cody Albion Private Eye would not have known about it
Unless the girl’s grandmother hadn’t shown up in his office
“Please find Trinity,” She begged
As she emptied her purse on the table
And with all the money sitting there
Albion looked down at the table
And counted the money in his head
$37.42
“Mrs. Esperanza,” he poured himself another glass of bourbon,
“How much money do you have in your bank account?”
” $37.42″, she answered.
Albion looked at her,
Drank the glass of bourbon
Lit himself a cigarette
And blew smoke at the ceiling
Where the fan quickly dispersed it to the 4 corners of his world-
his office.
“Put your money away,” he told Mrs. Esperanza, “this one’s on the house.”
Like all cases involving disappeared girls and Hollywood
The answer involved sex slaves and lecherous Hollywood producers
For what lay behind the red moviehouse theatre curtains
and the silver screen
was not silver
And definitely not gold
Images of dead Presidents on paper was the currency
And a lot of it
That was the language of Hollywood
Behind the scenes
Carson Cody Albion found Trinity
A prostitution ring that catered to those who lived behind the pearly gates of Beverly Hills
Paradise to those who owned the place
But Hell for some of those who worked there
Albion found Trinity
And after negotiating with the producer
Trinity was freed.
The price?
The real Maltese Falcon from that film a few years back.
Turned out the producer was a big fan of movies made by rival studios.
Albion’s burglary skills came in handy
and not even Sherlock Holmes could have solved the case
Basil Rathbone had other roles to play
Of course no one in LA seemed to care that a young Mexican girl was found
Save when Albion delivered Trinity to Mrs. Esperanza
One customer in a barber shop reflected the thinking
in general
They ought to build a wall to keep those people out
Albion looked at the man from the barber chair where he sat
“Thank God,” Albion thought, “FDR sits in the Oval Office and not this man”.
One day Albion was wandering on the set of the movie Cover Girl
When Rita Hayworth of all people addressed him,
“Nice work on the Trinity case, Mr. Albion.”
So spoke the woman whose real name was Margarita Carmen Cansino.
And on this night
Carson Cody Albion sat in a bar
He decided to order a glass of wine for a change
Maybe it was time he showed a little class as an ex-girlfriend once said to him
“Class? What is it?” Albion asked himself as he lit a cigarette
He reached into his coat pocket to pay the bill
“Put your money away,” Julio the bartender said, “this one’s on the house.”
-A Private Eye Poem
written by Christopher
Friday February 22nd
2019.
Lilith, Putin, Golgotha and The Golem of Prague
Lilith was on her vast estate near Astana the capital city of Kazakhstan.
It was there that she had hidden the Golem of Prague that she had stolen (with the help of Count Dracula) from the attic of the Old New Synagogue in Prague.
She would be having a video phone conferencing call with the Presidents of Russia, Turkey, Iran and Venezuela to show them the body of the captured Golem.
The Black Dragon (the supernatural entity who was the leading advisor to Chinese President Xi Jinping) would be flying in from Beijing in his flying dragon form to personally see the Golem for himself.
There were rumours that Russian President Vladimir Putin would likewise be flying in from Moscow to personally see the Golem for himself.
As Lilith sat in her living room drinking cocktails, her vampiress daughter Golgotha stood guard on a portion of her mother’s Nouveau Babylon estate as it was called to prevent Britain’s MI-6 or Israel’s Mossad from retaking the Golem.
She sat there looking positively resplendent in the woods of the estate.
Wandering through the woods was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who had been sent to this Estate by MP Renfield R. Renfield who was the co-chair of the British House of Commons Covert Intelligence Committee and was working with the Israeli government to get the golem returned to Prague.
“Mr. Van Helsing,” Golgotha greeted him, “don’t you know you’re trespassing on private property? You could use a spanking for your behaviour.”
Van Helsing had to admit that she was probably right.
So he took off his clothes and lay across her red skirted and black silk nylon lap where she administered a good sound thorough walloping.
They then had tantric sex afterwards.
. . .
“Why the Hell isn’t that bastard answering his mobile phone?” Renfield R. Renfield swore as he sat in the office of French President Emmanuel Macron, “I bet that bastard is busy having tantric sex with someone.”
Macron looked up from the tour guide book he was reading entitled The Best Place To Find Cougars In Paris and blinked before asking, “Tantric sex? Dracul Van Helsing is having tantric sex?”.
“Most likely,” Renfield’s face turned redder than the cover of the booklet Quotations From Chairman Mao Tse-tung, “That’s what happens when you watch too many James Bond movies with either Sean Connery or Roger Moore playing Bond when you’re a teen-ager, you’re forever horny.”
“I wonder if that works when you’re older as well,” Macron applied some more mascara to his eyelashes, “I should go take a look at my video library.”
. . .
The Greek god of the sea Poseidon looked at the statue of himself at the Fountain of Neptune in Florence, Italy.
“I do have to admit that’s a very good likeness,” Poseidon commented through mouthfuls of seafood linguini.
“And like me, he doesn’t have his trident,” Poseidon remarked wistfully.
For his trident had been stolen by Atargatis the ancient northern Syrian mermaid goddess.
. . .
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith stood outside her house waiting for Vladimir Putin’s helicopter and the Black Dragon of Beijing to arrive.
The Red Army helicopter and the Black Dragon arrived at the same time crashing into one another.
“Oh God, oh God, oh God!” Golgotha shrieked in sheer joyful ecstasy from the other side of the Estate.
“It appears my daughter Golgotha has finally inherited my bloodlust,” Lilith thought to herself.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 21st
2019.
Pope Francis Opens Synod On Sex Abuse By Putting Foot In His Mouth
This was the opening of the Vatican special synod on sex abuse.
The demons Baal and Baphomet sat in the chamber as special theological advisors to the body.
Pope Francis opened the synod by angrily waving his finger in the air and pontificating in Josef Stalinesque fashion, “Those who do nothing but criticize, criticize, criticize, criticize and further criticize the Church are friends of the Devil.”
Baphomet looked concernedly at Baal over these words.
Baal smiled reassuringly as he helped himself to a large tin of fresh unborn babies, “I think the Devil that the Unholy Father is referring to is the same Devil that the 19th Century French sorcerer Eliphas Levi referred to in his 1860 book The History of Magic and the Scottish Rite Freemasonic occultist Albert Pike referred to in his 1872 work Morals and Dogma which is the Devil is Adonai (the God of the Hebrews). Adonai and Lucifer are both God. Adonai is the dark evil side of God. And Lucifer is the lightbearing side of God.”
“That makes sense,” Baphomet tried to remain calm for the male/female human goat demon transgendered hybrid was having a bad day.
His/her breasts were lactating, his/her female genitalia was undergoing her period and his/her male genitalia kept undergoing premature ejaculations every 5 minutes.
In many ways, Baphomet’s current state was almost symbolic of the entire U.S. Democratic Party- the vast majority of whose members either knowingly or unknowingly worshipped the transgendered human goat demon hybrid.
As for Baal and Baphomet’s demonic rivals Mammon and Mephistopheles (either knowingly or unknowingly worshipped by the vast majority of U.S. Republicans), they were in the White House wondering how to get Trump out of the Oval Office and their own man Jared Kushner in.
As Pope Francis lambasted his critics for daring to criticize him and calling them “Friends of the Devil” (who may or may not be Adonai depending upon whether one is a practicing occultist or not), a group of victims of priestly sex abuse shivered in the cold out in Saint Peter’s Square wondering whether Francis would bother to meet with them.
He did not.
And Jorge Mario Bergoglio (who was anything but a true Vicar of Christ) continued to pave his way towards eventually winning the Ecclesiastical Asshole of The Millennium Award.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Wednesday February 20th
2019.
Pan: The Father of Baphomet who was turned to stone by the head of Medusa as he lay dying.
The stoned Pan now lies in the Vatican.
The Golem of Prague Has Gone Missing
DARPA Contract Assassiness and Renfield associate Panty Goatee in Prague on the lookout for the Golem of Prague
“The Golem of Prague has gone missing, gentlemen,” British MP Renfield R. Renfield announced somewhat somberly over his rum and coke to the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill.
“Mazel tov,” exclaimed Orson Welles’ ghost inappropriately and somewhat less soberly over his spectral bottle of Mogen David wine.
“Gazooks!” Churchill’s ghost put down his spectral lox and cream cheese bagel.
“Yes, I just got a text message from the Controller of The Golem,” Renfield referred to the Israeli Mossad Agent who went by that code name, “The Golem of Prague went missing last night from the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue when the cantor punched in his invisible co-ordinates on his mobile phone to see if the Golem was still present albeit invisibly.”
“Holy contradiction in terms, Batman,” Churchill’s ghost remarked in somewhat Robinesque fashion, “how did that happen?”.
“Well according to video surveillance footage,” Renfield looked at the footage on his Huawei smart phone, “the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and the Transylvanian Count Dracula (who appeared to be in a hypnotic state) flew into the attic and minutes later were seen carrying out a very visible Golem. The video has been shared 666 million times on social media because during the Golem heist, the vampiress Lilith was wearing the last evening dress that House of Chanel Creative Fashion Director Karl Lagerfeld (September 10th 1933 – February 19th 2019) who died earlier today had ever designed.”
“Lilith was wearing a Karl Lagerfeld evening gown when she stole the Golem?” Welles’ ghost dropped his cigar in incredulity.
“Say what you will about Lilith,” Renfield poured himself a glass of Glenlivet Single Malt Whisky, “The vampiress does have impeccable good taste.”
“But how was she able to access the code for the invisible corner of the attic of Prague’s Old New Synagogue?” Churchill’s ghost bit deep into his spectral cigar spilling ectoplasmic ash all over his spirited spiritly suit, “only the Controller of the Golem and his designated successor within Mossad know the complicated access code which is to be found in the world’s only Jewish Chinese abacus the whereabouts in Israel that only the Controller and his successor know. Such has always been the case since the state of Israel was created back in 1948.”
“I don’t know how the code was cracked,” Renfield cracked himself a walnut as Donald Trump appeared on his smart phone extolling the virtues of building a wall.
. . .
“It was pure luck,” the somewhat inebriated Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth (son of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia when she was still a virgin although she was helped in terms of genetic manipulation and cloning techniques by the immortal Egyptian priest-scientist Imhotep) told Stephen Colbert the host of the Late Show, “I really didn’t know how to crack the code. But after drinking 200 pints of Guinness, ask me to do anything and I’ll probably do it. Which explains how I wound up face down in the gutter in front of the Apostolic home of the recently defrocked former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick back when he was still Archbishop of Washington DC. I woke up with an awfully sore rectum I do recall.”
“And did Lilith actually wear the last evening gown that Karl Lagerfeld ever designed before he died when she abducted the Golem of Prague?” Colbert asked.
“That she did,” Yaldabaoth nodded as he helped himself to a can of Samuel Adams GOAT Beer and then tossed it aside when he noticed his half-brother’s picture on it, “a Karl Lagerfeld evening dress, red silk nylons and blue spiked stiletto high heeled shoes. I myself wore a pair of green silk tights and a denim mini skirt that I had bought from Old Navy.”
“Are you trying to copy my transsexual transgendered habits?” Yaldabaoth’s younger brother/sister the Baphomet (the male/female human goat demon hybrid that was the son/daughter of the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom Sophia after she had made out with the Greek nature satyr god Pan) lunged at him from the audience.
“We appear to have a fight going on between a transgendered human goat demon hybrid and an Irish leprechaun,” Colbert informed his audience.
Meanwhile backstage the Nazi SS vampiress Helga Electrafreudenbund awaited to talk to Yaldabaoth.
She had failed in her own mission to destroy the Golem back during World War II.
She had ended up being strangled by the Golem of Prague but was brought back to life by Dr. Josef Mengele and then turned into a vampiress by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
. . .
“The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith is behind much of the anti-Semitism currently happening in Britain and France,” Renfield explained to Welles and Churchill, “Vengeance for what she said was the defamation and libel of her good name in The Babylonian Talmud.”
“What about the current anti-Semitism in the Labour Party?” Churchill asked.
“I’ll have to ask my good friend Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger,” Renfield replied, “formerly of the Labour Party but left yesterday with 6 other former Labour MPs to form the Independent Group.”
Liverpool Wavertree MP Luciana Berger in much happier times last summer.
Getting her picture taken by fellow MP Renfield R. Renfield as he did his impersonation of Groucho Marx smoking a cigar and doing his hybrid duck/penguin walk.
-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 19th
2019.
R.I.P. Karl Lagerfeld
September 10th 1933
to
February 19th 2019.
Naomi Campbell wearing an outfit designed by Karl Lagerfeld
Dracul Van Helsing 
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