A Short Rhyming Poem About Raymond Red Reddington

May 24, 2017 at 3:40 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Poetry, Television) (, , , )

A Short Rhyming Poem About Raymond Red Reddington

Raymond Red Reddington is one of a very rare breed- a villain with class
he bumps off all those villains who are, by golly, a real pain in the ass!
Raymond Red Reddington At Cocktail Party

-written by Christopher
Wednesday May 24th
2017

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Haiku About TCM Host Robert Osborne R.I.P.

March 9, 2017 at 7:30 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, History, Movies, News, Obituaries, Poetry, Television) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About TCM Host Robert Osborne R.I.P.

More than just a host
He was a friend showing you
a world of great films

Robert Osborne

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Haiku About TCM’s Robert Osborne

December 1, 2016 at 4:55 pm (Film, Movies, Poetry, Television) (, , , , , , , )

Haiku About TCM’s Robert Osborne

Film historian
his intros are riveting
he’s Robert Osborne

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Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

October 28, 2016 at 3:58 pm (Film, Horror, Literature, Movies, Mystery/horror, Short stories, Short Story, Television, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Edgar Allan Poe: Swinging Like A Pendulum Do

It was an old movie from the 1930s on television. Johnson had heard of the film The Pit and The Pendulum based on a short story by Edgar Allan Poe.

But he wasn’t familiar with the 1930s version. He had only heard of a movie version from the 1960s with Vincent Price.

But this 1930s version was totally new to him and here he was a big classic horror movies fan. The Pit and The Pendulum from 1936 with Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff.

Try as he might, he could not recall Karloff and Lugosi ever making such a film. Lugosi had made The Black Cat with Karloff. He had made The Raven. He had made Murders In The Rue Morgue. All based on works by Poe.

But Johnson had never heard of Lugosi doing a movie version of Poe’s The Pit and The Pendulum. Much less one made with Boris Karloff.

But when he flipped through the channels on his new High Definition Home Theatre sized TV, there it was listed on TCM – The Pit and The Pendulum (1936) with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

Five minutes ahead of the program starting, Johnson had googled the film The Pit and The Pendulum (1936) with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.

But he found no information about it which was strange.

He put on the TV tuned to TCM. TCM host Robert Osborne began the introduction to the film with his trademark classic line, “Hi, I’m Robert Osborne.”

“Yeah? Tell me something I don’t know, Robert,” Johnson remarked sarcastically.

“All right,” Osborne answered him from the screen, “You’re an obnoxious self-centered arrogant egotistical prick.”

“What?” Johnson was astounded.

“Tonight’s film is a relatively unknown one. In fact, most people don’t even know it was made,” Osborne explained.

“You can say that again,” Johnson scratched his stomach and belched.

“I’d rather not, you uncouth slob,” Osborne smiled at the camera.

“What?” Johnson was again astounded.

“That’s because this film was made privately for a San Francisco based Chinese millionaire called Sun Wong,” Osborne elaborated, “who wanted his own private film with Lugosi and Karloff that the rest of the world wouldn’t be able to see.”

“Wong huh?” Johnson scratched his head.

“That’s right, Wong,” Osborne chuckled, “please excuse the pun.”

“Pun?” Johnson scratched his head again.

“Try not to think about it too hard, you pea-brained bozo,” Osborne again smiled at the camera, “We don’t want you putting too much strain on your little head now, will we?”.

“What the fuck?” Johnson gazed at the screen.

“No more for you,” Osborne saluted the camera, “from 1936, The Pit and The Pendulum with Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi.”

The movie was extremely scary, Johnson found. Usually most horror films from the 1930s he laughed at finding them somewhat corny by today’s standards.

But this one had Johnson gripping the edge of his chair.

When Lugosi had Karloff chained to the flat rock in the pit of his dungeon and the pendulum started swinging down on the latter, Lugosi laughed an evil sinister laugh.

“Wow, this is great,” Johnson thought as he reached for some more popcorn.

“May I call you Johnson?” Lugosi asked Karloff.

“Johnson?” Johnson stopped eating his popcorn.

“You are a dirty filthy little rat who cheated on me with my best friend,” Lugosi continued.

“Is this a gay Lugosi/Karloff film?” Johnson wondered to himself.

“No,” Bela Lugosi metamorphosed into the noted 1930s Asian-American actress Anna May Wong.

As the film changed from black and white into colour, Miss Wong wore a golden dragon emblazoned Asiatic style red dress slit up the sides showing lovely and shapely pantyhose clad legs that were accentuated by red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

“My God,” Johnson suddenly noted the resemblance, “she looks like…”

“That’s right, you cheating bastard,” Miss Wong exclaimed.

Suddenly Johnson found his hands handcuffed to the chair, ropes came out of the back of the chair and tied him up. The chair went backwards and Johnson found himself looking up at the ceiling where a rather large pendulum started swinging down towards him.

Miss Wong stepped out from the TV screen.

Johnson had indeed noted for the very first time the resemblance between the 1930s actress Anna May Wong and his ex-girlfriend Charlotte April Wong.

“Don’t piss off a Dragon Sister,” Miss Wong screamed as a dragon breathed fire from the top of the ceiling above the pendulum.

As the pendulum came down within a quarter inch of his throat and neck, Johnson thought this probably answered his buddy Tom’s question, “Why would your ex buy you a 72 inch screen high definition TV when you cheated on her in such a cruel fashion?”.

Johnson would never get the chance to answer Tom’s question as the pendulum cut off his head.

-A short story
written by Christopher
Saturday October 1st
2016.

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Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

April 9, 2016 at 8:01 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

“Say, Renfield,” Amadeus asked his friend as he flipped through a Political Science textbook, “in your opinion, what’s the best political system and form of government?”.

“An absolute monarchy with myself as absolute monarch,” Renfield replied.

Meanwhile down in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep.

He, along with his creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had been watching a grueling television marathon of old episodes of the Perry Mason TV show with Raymond Burr.

Now he was fast asleep in his aquarium while Cadbury Rocher was in his even more secret lab (unknown to all at Set Enterprises) working on what he considered his master creation- a genetically created replica of the winged horse Pegasus.

In Michelangelo’s dream, he was dreaming of an old black and white episode of Perry Mason with Raymond Burr that was never shown on television because it was considered too hot for the America of the late 1950s to handle.

The name of the episode was Perry Mason Solves The Case of The Tomatoed Buns.

Special guest star for the episode was Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister- the quite literally immortal (as in never dying due to eating immortal life giving Supernatural mushrooms) leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

This was the courtroom scene from that episode that Michelangelo dreamed:

Perry Mason: Now Miss Holmes, when we use the term “tomatoed buns”, I take it we’re not talking about a certain food item we can select down at our local neighbourhood smorgasbord buffet, are we?

Miss Holmes (raising one of her black silk nylon legs on the witness stand and adjusting both her skirt and one of her spiked stiletto high heeled shoes): Indeed, Mr. Mason, we are not.

A large crack suddenly appeared on the glass of Michelangelo’s aquarium as the lobster started hyperventilating under water over this dream sequence.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 8th
2016.

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The Puppy Monkey Baby: Licensed To Thrill Or To Kill?

March 18, 2016 at 10:05 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Science, Science-Fiction, Television, The Supernatural, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Puppy Monkey Baby: Licensed To Thrill Or To Kill?

Russian Assistant Deputy Foreign Minister Nikolai Sonavitch was in London, England for a secret conference to see if the conflicts in Ukraine and Syria could be solved simultaneously.

The meeting was very hush hush and top secret.

Not even Barack Obama or even Alex Jones knew about it.

The chairman for the meeting would be a British parliamentarian named Magog Rhys Petley.

Nikolai was in his hotel room at the Saint James Hotel and had not been called to the meeting yet because apparently Petley was busy scouring the streets of London trying to find a carton of buttermilk.

Meanwhile reports on the radio said that a werewolf was seen walking the streets of London.

Nikolai turned off the radio and put on the television.

The TV was showing the Mountain Dew Kickstart commercial with Puppy Monkey Baby:

“How did the capitalist warmongers at Mountain Dew find out about Dr. Nicht Werhoffen’s secret Puppy Monkey Baby creation in his top secret Moscow lab?” The lifelong Bolshevik Sonavitch wanted to know.

Dr. Nicht Werhoffen was the Russian FSB’s leading mad scientist.

Dr. Werhoffen was formerly a mad scientist for the Stasi (the East German Secret Police) but had to seek employment elsewhere when the Berlin Wall came down.

The commercial it turned out (as Nikolai Sonavitch started to feel thirsty) was part of a documentary the BBC was doing on the Puppy Monkey Baby phenomenon.

As Sonavitch phoned down to the front desk and asked them to send up 3 cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart, the BBC was interviewing Set Enterprises’ chief corporate mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Said Rocher, “The Puppy Monkey Baby is so yesterday. I created one back in 2001. Unfortunately it was applying for a job on the upper floors of one of the World Trade Center towers the morning of September 11th 2001. Set Enterprises’ corporate lawyers still aren’t sure whether to sue the Estate of Osama Bin Laden, the trio of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld or the Illuminati over that loss.”

Shit, the British beat us in creating a Puppy Monkey Baby, Sonavitch thought to himself as the hotel porter brought in the 3 cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart.

Sonavitch opened the first can and started drinking.

That old movie from 1942 The Cat People with Simone Simon was on one of the other channels so he started watching.

He was soon on his 3rd can of Mountain Dew Kickstart.

On the screen, the old Black and White movie suddenly turned into a coloured film and a beautiful leather skirted Asian dominatrix woman who called herself Sherrielock Holmes was standing there in the midst of a bunch of fiery red coloured cats.

“That’s funny, I don’t remember this scene,” Nikolai Sonavitch commented.

The hotel room door suddenly opened and a Puppy Monkey Baby entered the room.

“Puppy Monkey Baby,” the Puppy Monkey Baby kept repeating over and over.

The Puppy Monkey Baby jumped up on the coffee table in front of Sonavitch and did a little dance.

He then jumped on to Sonavitch’s lap and proceeded to lick him on the face all the while saying Puppy Monkey Baby.

He then kissed Sonavitch on the lips and then pulled a carving knife out of his diaper and slashed the assistant deputy foreign minister of Russia to death.

The Puppy Monkey Baby then shapeshifted into his natural form of satyr serial killer and hired contract assassin Pan Goatee.

Said Goatee, “That was fun. I always thought it would be cool to play the part of Judas Iscariot but be quick about it.”

He picked up the remaining can of Mountain Dew Kickstart and finished it saying, “There’s no need to let this new Holy Trinity or 3-in-1 to go to waste.”

He downed the Kickstart, belched and put the can back on the table.

“I’ll let the cleaning staff pocket the return deposit money for this,” Pan Goatee couldn’t help but grin at his own personal generosity.

He turned back into a Puppy Monkey Baby again, “My audience- the hotel security cameras- awaits.”

He went out the door and into the hall saying over and over again, “Puppy Monkey Baby… Puppy Monkey Baby… Puppy Monkey Baby… ”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 18th
2016.

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Stan Was The Man: A Poem Introduced By Alfred Hitchcock

January 15, 2016 at 8:38 pm (Entertainment, Movies, Poetry, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Stan Was The Man: A Poem Introduced By Alfred Hitchcock

Alfred Hitchcock: Good evening, I’m Alfred Hitchcock and welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents. I’ll start out by saying that rumours of my death have not been greatly exaggerated. I’ve been dead now for almost 36 years. But as the old saying goes, you can’t keep a good man down.
So by popular demand, my ghost has returned to bring you an encore presentation of my popular television series Alfred Hitchcock Presents for this year of 2016.
As you know I was the host of an extremely successful television series that ran on two different networks CBS and NBC over the course of a decade back in the late ’50s and early ’60s.
Those were the days when television studios relied on good plots and captivating dialogue to grip and enthrall their audiences.
Today of course they rely on gratuitous sex and excessive violence and close-up shots of derrières of air headed celebrities in an effort to keep their ratings high.
Some producer recently suggested that maybe they should try producing one television show this year that actually relied on that extremely old fashioned formula of good plots and captivating dialogue.
The producer immediately found himself pushed through the window of the board room from the high floor of the building he was in.
So regretably he won’t be around to see his proposal come to fruition.
I myself just happened to be in the neighbourhood at the time appearing as a special guest on a Haunted Hollywood tour.
So they asked me to line up a program in the late lamented producer’s memory.
So tonight, I am pleased to present a television episode that’s in the form of a poem.
The poem is entitled Stan Was The Man.

Stan Was The Man: A Poem

Stan was the man
The man with the plan
The plan was to steal the Crown Jewels
and make Scotland Yard look like fools
Into the Tower of London he went
claiming to be the Duke of Kent
he helped himself to the Crown Jewels
and left behind miniature toy mules
Into the getaway car he hopped
and not once was the fleeing vehicle stopped
On streets and roads and sidewalks it went
carrying the pseudo-Duke of Kent
to pursuing police cars it would not yield
even denting the car of Renfield R. Renfield
That was their fatal mistake
one they’d regret to Eternity’s gate
Renfield followed in hot pursuit
who he ran over, he didn’t give a hoot
Cameron would end up replacing half his cabinet
after they wound up on London streets like scrambled eggs and squashed rabbit
Renfield caught up with the robbers three
after they crashed into a bakery
He pulled out his gun
while ordering a bun
and shot the trio dead
while helping himself to jam so red
He then ate the bun
and said, I have to run
and off he drove
this son of a gun.

Alfred Hitchcock: And so ends tonight’s episode told in the form of a poem.
Stan discovered too late that the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.
The Crown Jewels were returned to the Tower of London, Stan and his compatriots paid an impromptu visit to the London Morgue and Renfield discovered a great new place to buy cinnamon buns.
As that most illustrious of playwrights Mr. William Shakespeare once said, “All’s well that ends well.”
And so with that in mind, I bid you adieu and good night ladies and gentlemen.

-A poem, episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents and
vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 15th
2016.

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Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

December 22, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Satire, Science-Fiction, Short play, Short play/ comedy, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

Renfield was on his computer watching a porno movie he wrote and produced called Star Dick.

The movie began with this narration:

“Star Dick… orgy date 3233.4321 … I’m Captain James E. Quirk. These are the voyages of the Starship Perverterprise… its 5 year mission… to explore strange new positions… to seek out new forms of sexual deviation… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

The Executive Producer of the film in the credits was listed as Gene Popacherry which was the pseudonym Renfield used for this particular movie.

Renfield watched the following scene from the movie:

(Captain’s Quarters, Starship Perverterprise. Mr. Spook is bending over and Captain Quirk is directly behind him)

Mr. Spook: I must say, Captain, this is a very unusual positron.

Captain Quirk: Indeed Mr. Spook. It’s a position I learned from reading the Kama Sutra that great ancient Indian work of literature. It’s a book you should really read, Mr. Spook. Brush up on the earthling human side of your heritage. After all, a ship’s science officer should not live on Volcanian logic and reasoning alone.

Mr. Spook: So it would appear, Captain. Now if you wouldn’t mind disentangling yourself from my lower regions, I really wouldn’t mind getting back to work.

Captain Quirk: Um… that may be a bit of a problem, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: May I inquire as to why that is so, Captain?

Captain Quirk: I must confess that I didn’t read the rest of that particular chapter of the Kama Sutra, Mr. Spook. The part that gives instructions for disentanglement.

Mr. Spook: A fine mess you’ve got us into, Captain. Do you propose that we walk around the Perverterprise like this? Like a set of conjoined Siamese twins born into the condition of a permanent pose in a Turkish bath house orgy?

Captain Quirk: I’m trying to think, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I wish you had done some thinking before hand, Captain. It’s rushing ahead without using the principles of logic that often leads to catastrophic situations such as the one we currently find ourselves in.

Captain Quirk: Well I don’t exactly recall you saying no when I first proposed this experiment, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Well as the ship’s science officer, I thought it might expand my knowledge of the universe. I wasn’t counting on it expanding the cleft between my buttocks instead.

Captain Quirk: Hold on, Mr. Spook, I’m going to get my beeper out.

Mr. Spook: Oh God. Not again, Captain.

Captain Quirk: I was referring to my telecommunicator, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Oh, thank heavens.

Captain Quirk (on his telecommunicator) : Are you there, Scatty?

Scatty (with a thick Scottish brogue) : I’m in the engine room, Captain. I’m eating some Scottish haggis and playing with the lever on my control panel.

Captain Quirk: Scatty, I need you to go down to the ship’s library and get the volume of the Kama Sutra and bring it to my private quarters immediately.

Scatty: Why should I do that, Captain?

Captain Quirk: Because even though we live in the 23rd Century, our advanced space-based civilization seems to have forgotten how to use the Internet and Google.

Scatty: No, I mean, why do you require the Kama Sutra, Captain?

Captain Quirk: That’s none of your business, Mr. Scat. Just get to the library and get the damned Kama Sutra and bring it here.

(Quirk angrily closes the top flap on his Telecommunicator)

Mr. Spook: With all due respect, Captain, I think Scatty is going to discover the reason why you need the Kama Sutra when he walks into the room and discovers us like this.

Captain Quirk: I’ll worry about crossing that bridge when I come to it, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I have the feeling Julius Caesar never encountered such a problem when he crossed the Rubicon.

Captain Quirk: Which explains how he ended up Dictator of the Roman Republic while I’m only the captain of the Starship Perverterprise.

(Quirk’s telecommunicator goes off)

Quirk (opening up his telecommunicator) : What is it, Scatty?

Scatty: I canna leave the engine room, Captain. One of the engines is undergoing a meltdown.

Captain Quirk: An engine meltdown?

Scatty: Yes, Captain, ever since a reproduction print of the early 20th Century Modigliani reclining nude portrait painting of the famous immortal Sherrielock Holmes was placed in the engine room, our engines have experienced numerous meltdowns.

Mr. Spook (commenting) : The lobsters in the ship’s aquarium have also experienced severe hyperventilating problems ever since that painting was unveiled, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of Mr. Mumu or Officer Rockoff.

Scatty: I must remind you, Captain- that all of the ship’s men are currently in the ship’s theatre watching tonight’s UFC Fight from Alpha Centauri.

Captain Quirk: Damn. I forgot about that.

Mr. Spook: If you wouldn’t mind listening to a Volcanian observation of condescending superiority, Captain, it seems that all you earthling men ever think about is sex or sports.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid you’ve got us there, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: And thanks to a temporary lapse in my Volcanian logical reasoning ability and judgement, I’m afraid you’ve got me there as well, Captain.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of the ship’s communications officer Lt. Ucausehardonia.

Scatty: All right, Captain. I must go now. There goes another engine.

Captain Quirk: So long, Scatty.

Mr. Spook: I hope you can get ahold of Lt. Ucausehardonia because my Volcanian ears can feel a 7 year itch coming on.

Captain Quirk: This is going to be embarrassing asking a woman to fetch the Kama Sutra from the library, Mr. Spook. When Lt. Ucausehardonia comes here and finds us like this, she’s going to wonder about my sexual orientation.

Mr. Spook: My own judgement of your sexual orientation was made up the moment you suggested this bizarre exercise in physical gymnastics, Captain. I just went along with it because being a Volcanian, I’ll try anything once- a cultural tradition I’ll now be forced to re-evaluate in lieu of this particular incident.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : Lt. Ucausehardonia?

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Lt. Ucausehardonia here, Captain.

Captain Quirk: Lt., I was wondering if you could go down to the library and pick up the volume of the Kama Sutra located there and bring it here to my private quarters.

Lt. Ucausehardonia (in a sexy sultry voice) : Gosh, you’ve been feeling awfully amorous the past 24 hours haven’t you, Captain? I still haven’t recovered from your historical re-enactment of Evel Knievel penetrating into the Grand Canyon that you performed on me last night.

Captain Quirk (his face turning red) :
Actually, I was just wanting to finish reading a particular chapter I’ve never finished reading.

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Well I’m afraid the ship’s doctor Boner MacRoy checked that book out of the library when he left for 3 days vacation on the planet Orgasma, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, thanks anyways, Lt. (puts down the flap on his telecommunicator) : Shit! How could you do this to me, Boner?

Mr. Spook: So Captain, it appears that the good doctor has screwed you in more ways than one.

Captain Quirk: I’m… we’re going to have to go down to the bridge and set an emergency course to the planet Orgasma to pick up that book.

Mr. Spook: So we’ll have to walk the corridors of the Perverterprise looking like a kinky circus act in some Quentin Tarantino burlesque freak show.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid so, Mr. Spook. I just hope that when we’re down on the bridge, the Federation doesn’t decide to hold one of their impromptu interplanetary televised teleconferencing calls. Where the whole galaxy will see us like this. Otherwise I’ll have a terrible time trying to explain this to the Federation.

Mr. Spook: To say nothing of your girlfriend, Captain.

– A vampire novel chapter
and Renfieldian episode
of Star Dick: Voyages
of The Starship Perverterprise
written by Christopher
during the period
Friday December 18th
to
Monday December 21st
2015.

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Renfield and The Kardashian/Jenner Clan’s Latest Shenanigans

October 18, 2015 at 6:13 pm (Culture, Entertainment, News, Sports, Television, TV Commercials, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield And The Kardashian/Jenner Clan’s Latest Shenanigans

Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa and spoke to Amadeus Emanon, “You know with all the international espionage activities I’ve been involved in the past week, I really haven’t had time to keep up with the Kardashians. I wonder what the latest news is involving the Kardashian/Jenner clan and their inner circle?”.

Renfield used the remote to put on the television while Amadeus continued to eat the half dozen steak and kidney pies he’d been eating.

“So,” Renfield mockingly asked the television, “what’s the latest with the Kardashian/Jenner clan?”.

A TV commercial was on.

TV Commercial spokesman: Are you the sort of guy who wouldn’t want to be caught dead in a Nevada brothel?

Then to avoid such future embarrassment, use Viagra.

The real thing.

Not those cheap herbal imitations.

And here’s another piece of advice for you, my whoremongering friend.

That slogan Things Go Better With Coke doesn’t always hold true.

So use Viagra.

The real thing.

After all you wouldn’t want to be caught dead or near death in a Nevada brothel.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 18th
2015.

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Haiku About Raymond Red Reddington

August 15, 2015 at 6:49 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Poetry, Television, TV Shows) (, , , )

Haiku About Raymond Red Reddington

Ray “Red” Reddington
outwits enemies with flair
better Red than dead

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