The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya
The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya
A beluga whale who was a spy for the Russians had recently defected to Norway a few months back.
The whale had been helped in his defection by the ghost of Orson Welles.
After the whale had successfully defected, Welles’ ghost eventually returned to England where he served as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who had just been named to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering).
The whale meanwhile had spent the past few months being debriefed by Norwegian Navy and Norwegian Intelligence officials.
The beluga had ate a great quantity of fish during this time although the whale said he “didn’t care much for lutefisk” much to the disappointment of Norway’s Minister of Culture.
The beluga told the Norwegians that much was happening under the sea these days.
Poseidon had had his trident stolen by the Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess Atargatis.
The trident was given to Russian scientists who had developed a new submarine weapon with it.
The beluga (who had taken the name Melville) also said that the Norse deity of the ocean who was the sea jotunn Aegir and was also the major thrower of parties for the Norse gods and goddesses had recently started selling his ale (brewed in a huge cauldron provided by Thor and Tyr) to mortals.
Most mortals were incapable of handling the hangover that the ale gave them, the beluga stated, and when combined with certain other liquors could prove fatal to mortals.
One of the last things he had heard, Melville said (while posing for a photo with someone wearing a Herman Munster mask), was that The Ten Bells Pub in London used Aegir Ale and combined it with 9 liquors to make a shooter called The T-Rex.
If any mortal drank more than one T-Tex shooter, it would kill them.
The Norse goddess Freya, who had her own stenographer present at the beluga whale debriefing, informed Dracul Van Helsing of this.
“Renfield,” Dracul replied, “as in many other matters, is an exception to this rule.”
“Well,” Freya stood up from her dressing table and chair, “come and show me what rules you’re an exception to.”
Dracul did just that.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 26th
2019.
Boris Johnson, The Black Dragon and Thessalonike of Macedon
Boris Johnson, The Black Dragon and Thessalonike of Macedon
Today Boris Johnson was elected leader of the British Conservative Party.
In a ballot of Conservative Party members, he defeated his rival British Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt.
Boris Johnson received 92,153 votes to his rival’s 46, 656.
Boris Johnson was Mayor of London from 2008 to 2016.
He once won a magazine limerick contest for writing the best limerick making fun of Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.
He’d have probably lost the limerick contest to MP Renfield R. Renfield but Renfield had submitted his limerick a couple of hours after the deadline because he spent the night drinking T-Rex shooters in a bar (the t-Rex shooter contains a lethal and deadly combination of different liquors. Renfield is the only known mortal in history to have drunk more than one T-Rex shooter and lived. Every other person was now as dead as the variety of dinosaur it was named after) so the limerick was disqualified with much regret by the contest judges.
Mr. Johnson will also now become Britain’s first Roman Catholic Prime Minister.
Although Mr. Johnson is not a practicing Catholic.
Only a baptized Catholic.
Shacking up with a woman he was not married to wouldn’t be in accord with current Catholic teaching.
Although that might change (along with several other things) if the German Conference of Catholic Bishops have their way at the upcoming papal Synod On The Amazon this October.
Tomorrow the current UK Prime Minister Theresa May will take part in her last Prime Minister’s Question Period in the House of Commons.
After lunch, she will make a short farewell speech outside 10 Downing Street.
She will then travel to see Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace to tender her resignation as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
Boris Johnson will then arrive at Buckingham Palace for an audience with the Queen where he will be invited to form a government.
Afterwards he will then be driven to 10 Downing Street where he will make a brief speech before entering the building for the first time as Prime Minister.
After Boris Johnson delivered his victory speech to Conservative Party supporters tonight, he left the Queen Elizabeth II Centre in London with 3 things on his mind.
Would he be able to get the British oil tanker Stena Impero released without going to war against Iran?
Would he be able to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union before the October 31st Halloween deadline or will it turn out to be a no deal Brexit?
Should he name British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield to the cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering?
. . .
Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was reviewing information that was sent to him by an Interpol operative in Hong Kong.
The first set of videos and photos that Whitstable viewed showed a man 7 foot 6 whose name was Wang (and who could best be described as a tall thin unsmiling version of the short chubby jovial Chinese Smiling Buddha whose statue is often seen in Chinese restaurants around the world) addressing a group of pro-democracy protestors in Hong Kong a couple of weeks ago and telling them to become more violent and to attack a police station during their protests.
The next set of photos and videos that Whitstable viewed showed a group of white shirt wearing Triad members being addressed by a sinister looking Black Dragon this past weekend and being told to attack pro-democracy protestors with batons and clubs in the Hong Kong subway station this past weekend.
Wondering who this sinister looking Black Dragon was, he sent copies of the photos and videos of the mysterious Black Dragon to a professor of East Asian Folklore and Occultism at Oxford University.
The professor responded that the Black Dragon was a supernatural entity known to appear at various times in Chinese history when the governing leader or ruler of China was a diabolically evil person.
The professor noted that the Black Dragon was able to shapeshift into human form.
The professor text messaged Whitstable a sketch of the Black Dragon in shapeshifted human form.
The sketch of the Black Dragon in human form perfectly resembled Wang in appearance.
. . .
Boris Johnson was receiving a special intelligence briefing from Theresa May over tea and sandwiches at 10 Downing Street on this night which was Mrs. May’s last evening as Prime Minister.
Mrs. May was giving Boris a briefing on the latest facts regarding the destruction of the British destroyer the H.M.S. Balderdash that sank in the Mediterranean Sea not far from Alexandria Egypt (while it was en route to the Persian Gulf via the Suez Canal) this past Saturday July 20th.
Trump was trying to convince the British government that it was the Iranians who were responsible for the sinking of Balderdash.
However it had recently come to light that an Irish drone had been flying in the vicinity of the Mediterranean Sea near Alexandria at the time.
The drone was operated by an Irish drone operator who had been drinking way too much Guinness while on duty.
As a result the drone had found its way from Ireland’s Galway Bay (where it was supposed to be watching the sun go down) to the said part of the Mediterranean Sea off Egypt.
The drone happened to have a camera on board taking photos with a Huawei P30 Pro operated by a robotic leprechaun that was created bearing the likeness of the notorious boozing Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth.
The photos clearly showed a mermaid turning into a giantess near the ship H.M.S. Balderdash and destroying the destroyer.
Copies of the photos had been sent to a noted mermaidologist who lived in Calgary, Alberta, Canada in hopes of finding out the mermaid’s identity.
The mermaidologist had identified the mermaid turned giantess as Thessalonike of Macedon the immortal half-sister of Alexander the Great.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 23rd
2019.
July 20th 2019: A Very Historic Anniversary
July 20th 2019: A Very Historic Anniversary
July 20th is a significant date in world history.
It was on this date in 356 BC that Alexander the Great was born.
It was 75 years ago today (on July 20th 1944) that the German colonel Count Claus von Stauffenburg tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler in the plot known as Operation Valkyrie.
And it was 50 years ago today (on July 20th 1969) that Neil Armstrong spoke these words from the moon after the Apollo 11 Eagle had landed, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”
On this day July 20th 2019, Alexander the Great’s half-sister Thessalonike of Macedon (who had turned into a mermaid after hearing of her brother’s death) was swimming in the Mediterranean Sea not far from the Egyptian city of Alexandria when an ancient shield happened to float by.
“It’s my brother’s shield!” She cried.
Just then the British destroyer The H.M.S. Balderdash happened to go by en route to the Suez Canal to the Indian Ocean and through the Strait of Hormuz to the Persian Gulf where it would attempt a rescue of the British oil tanker Stena Impero recently seized by Iran.
Thessalonike then posed the same question to the sailors aboard the H.M.S. Balderdash that she posed to the sailors aboard every ship that she had encountered throughout the centuries.
“Is Alexander the King alive?” She asked.
“Which Alexander the King would that be?” Asked Lt. Chamberlain Neville of the H.M.S. Balderdash.
“Alexander the Great, you idiot!” Thessalonike spat seaweed at him.
The correct answer as far as Thessalonike the mermaid was concerned was “He lives and reigns and conquers the world.”
The captain of the ship H.M.S. Balderdash who was none other than Gladstone Disraeli answered, “No, Alexander the Great died centuries ago in the year 323 BC.”
“Wrong answer!” Thessalonike foamed at the mouth spraying sea foam in every direction.
She then turned into a raging Gorgon tearing apart the ship and sending it and every sailor aboard to the bottom of the sea.
Trump would later blame the incident on the Iranians.
Meanwhile the Grey Wolf Formerly Known As Adolf (because it was a grey wolf possessed by the ghost of Adolf Hitler who had been let out of the Underworld a few years ago by Hades and Persephone at the request of the Norse-Germanic god Odin/Wotan) was walking the streets of Saint Petersburg Russia.
“I thought this place was supposed to be called Leningrad,” Adolf thought to himself as he looked at all the street signs.
“And to think I should have taken possession of this city but I failed!” Adolf snarled.
Meanwhile on the moon this day, the demon Asmodeus was walking around because he had never been to the moon and he figured since humans went to the moon, he might as well.
Of course Asmodeus had never learned to fly.
He had skipped the Demonic Learning To Fly Class back in Hell High School because he had been outside smoking cigarettes.
So the chain smoking demon asked the two high flying owls (who were companions to the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith) to grab hold of each one of his arms and fly him to the moon.
Now he was walking around the moon’s surface.
Unbeknownst to Asmodeus, the Norse trickster god Loki had been walking around the moon earlier that day (having been flown to the moon through the help of Valkyries).
Loki had eaten a banana while on the moon and had thrown the peel behind him.
As Asmodeus walked along smoking and coughing and singing that old Frank Sinatra song Fly Me To The Moon, he wasn’t watching where he was going.
The chain smoking demon slipped on the banana.
After hitting backside down on the lunar surface, Asmodeus remarked, “That’s one small slip for a banana, one giant pain in the ass for demonkind.”
The Chinese moon goddess Chang’e and the Moon Rabbit remind you:
Only you can prevent lunar fires.
Always douse your campfire and be careful with your cigarette butts.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 20th
2019.
Athena and Dashwood Forrest
Athena and Dashwood Forrest
“That bust does not do you justice, Athena,” London art gallery curator Dashwood Forrest remarked to the Greek goddess of Wisdom.
“To which one of her breasts are you referring, Master?” Asked Mulligan the Irish zombie who was Dashwood Forrest’s somewhat inept living dead manservant.
“Mulligan, go outside and play in the rain,” Forrest ordered.
The Irish zombie did so where he was swept away by the rain.
“I apologize for the idiotic intrusion,” Forrest bowed to the Greek goddess.
“It’s all right,” Athena smiled, “I found his remark somewhat amusing.”
“I wish more customers were like you,” Forrest sighed, “Mulligan drives a lot of them away with his comments that is if his zombie appearance doesn’t drive them away first.”
“Who sculpted this bust of me?” Athena asked.
“A chap by the name of Mario Rossini,” Forrest answered, “A promising young sculptor who was killed after being hit by a train while moulding a clay figure of a bull (in a farm field) while sitting on a railway track. He really took the combined fields of performance art and sculpture to a new level. What level of Dante’s cosmos he wound up in, I could not say.”
“I don’t think I shall purchase this bust of me,” Athena moved on to an oil painting of Hermes.
“I do not blame you,” Forrest placed a towel on the head.
“What a remarkable figure of a leprechaun,” Athena looked at a clay statue of a leprechaun, “he looks somewhat like my grandson.”
Forrest coughed, “Grandson? But I thought you were a virgin goddess?”.
“Have you never heard of artificial insemination, Mr. Forrest?” Athena winked at him.
Forrest turned ghastly pale at the Greek goddess’ remark.
“Relax, Mr. Forrest,” Athena laughed, “I’m only joking.”
“Thank God,” Forrest looked relieved.
“You no doubt heard how I was born from my father’s head when my father Zeus had a headache,” Athena recalled.
“That tale I remember very well,” Forrest commented as he took an aspirin with a glass of water.
“Well one day I had a headache after walking across the desert sands of Egypt feeling quite dehydrated and I gave birth to Sophia from my head,” Athena recounted.
“Sophia?” Forrest drank the water.
“The Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom,” Athena explained, “worshipped by various Gnostic groups throughout the centuries. Anyhow back in the 1st Century AD, she encountered the immortal Egyptian scientist Imhotep. Imhotep was working on the concept of artificial insemination back then and he artificially inseminated Sophia and she gave birth to a leprechaun whom she called Yaldabaoth.”
“That name Yaldabaoth sounds familiar,” Forrest creased his eyebrows in thought, “but I don’t associate him with leprechauns.”
“Well no mother wants to say her son is a leprechaun with a serious drinking problem,” Athena smiled, “so she told people that Yaldabaoth was the demiurge who created the material physical universe.”
“Oh yes,” Forrest nodded, “that’s where I’ve heard the name.”
Meanwhile Mulligan the Irish zombie was being swept down the street in a torrent of rain water.
He suddenly came to a halt after crashing into an alley wall.
But not before knocking over a garbage can first.
Out of the garbage can fell an Irish leprechaun.
“Saint Patrick and Saint Kevin preserve us!” Yaldabaoth exclaimed, “What a rude awakening!”.
“Mulligan!” The Irish zombie doffed his shamrock emblazoned cap to the little fellow, “Irish zombie Mulligan.”
“Yaldabaoth!” The leprechaun replied, “Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth! And I dare you to try and pronounce that name correctly after you’ve had 20 glasses of whiskey.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 5th
2019.
Renfield Meets Captain Kerry Donegal In The Oscar Wilde Pub
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a newly opened London pub called The Oscar Wilde.
He was planning his strategy to have his friend the Kraken Napoleon VI elected the new President of the European Union Commission.
Seeing as how German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Emmanuel Macron were in disagreement as to who should be the new EU Commission President, this allowed an opportunity for a rogue Brit like himself to put a Kraken into that position.
Seeing as how this was The Oscar Wilde Pub, Renfield decided to order himself a glass of absinthe as this was the favourite drink of such notorious writers and poets as Oscar Wilde and Charles Baudelaire and artist/painters such as Henri Toulouse-Lautrec and Amedeo Modigliano.
Seeing as how Renfield was neither an American Jesuit priest nor a leading U.S. Democratic Party politician nor a Hollywood bigwig, he ignored the fact that absinthe was also drunk by such satanic low-lifes as Aleister Crowley.
After 21 glasses of absinthe, Renfield was able to see spirits so as soon as the ghost of the 18th Century Irish pirate of the Caribbean Captain Kerry Donegal walked through the door, the MP invited him to sit down.
They introduced themselves to another and gave their respective backgrounds.
“So,” Renfield ordered another glass of absinthe, “you’re the pirate’s ghost that my psychic lobster friend Michelangelo saw ride that supposedly riderless horse Bodexpress at the Preakness Stakes?”.
“That was me all right,” the ghostly pirate blushed adding a little rouge to his overly white complexion, “I came in second from last.”
“We all have our embarassing moments,” Renfield recalled the lovely actress Gong Li turning him down for a date after he had asked her out in a crowded elevator.
“So how’s your political career going?” Captain Kerry Donegal asked.
“Well if Boris Johnson wins the leadership of the British Conservative Party in July and becomes Prime Minister of Britain,” Renfield ordered a tuna fish sandwich, “I’ll probably become Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering and my parliamentary colleague and fellow Transhumanist MP the Welsh vampiress Morgana will probably become Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.”
“Well, congratulations,” the pirate captain drank a toast in ghostly extra spirited absinthe.
“Still, I mustn’t count my chickens before they’re hatched,” Renfield helped himself to a plate of deviled eggs, “so what are your plans for the future?”.
“I haven’t quite decided,” Captain Kerry Donegal answered, “I moved out of 10 Downing Street last night after Prime Minister Theresa May invited me to watch the 1947 film The Ghost and Mrs. Muir starring Gene Tierney and Rex Harrison with her. After watching the film, I came to the conclusion that Mrs. May wanted to have a romantic affair with me so I left.”
“Yes, singing My Fair Lady to Gene Tierney isn’t so bad,” Renfield admitted, “singing it to Theresa May is another matter entirely.”
“By Liza, rather than sitting in the saddle to do little, I should have said to Bodexpress, move your bloomin’ ass,” the pirate captain reflected.
“And speaking of my fair lady, here comes my parliamentary colleague Morgana,” Renfield, after 23 glasses of absinthe, ran up to kiss her as she entered the pub.
“Why you predatory sexually harassing lecherous pervert,” Morgana said to him before kicking him out the door with one of her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
“Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder,” were Renfield’s last words before succumbing to unconsciousness on the outdoor sidewalk.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 28th
2019.
Welsh vampiress Morgana: Not one to mess with
The Kraken Rises Off Israel
The Kraken Napoleon VI had got an urgent text message on his smart phone.
It was from Miranda the mermaid.
It was imperative that she meet him on the beaches of Tel Aviv, Israel.
“It must be something very important,” the Kraken thought to himself as he watched a TV commercial with the Greek god Poseidon advertising McDonald’s Restaurants current special of fresh Atlantic Fish and Chips.
It was a sad day the Kraken thought to himself when even the Olympians were selling out to American corporate conglomerates.
The Kraken was going to let his wife Medusa know where he was going but she was currently engaged in a leg wrestling match with the Egyptian vampiress Isis on the floor of Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris.
Their slit skirted and black silk nylon legs wrapped around one another’s throats would have sent the Irish Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg and his Greek Norse fantasy writer friend Hyperion Sturm into sheer frenzy had they walked through the cafe at that moment.
The Kraken decided to text message Medusa the news later.
The Kraken hopped on his skateboard and skateboarded all the way from Paris down to the port city of Marseille.
From Marseille, he planned to swim all the way across the Mediterranean to Tel Aviv to meet with mermaid Miranda.
The Kraken had a slight delay in Marseille when he was attacked by a giant piece of seaweed who tried to eat him.
It was fortunate for the Kraken that he had ordered the Giant Spinach Salad for dinner at Quasimodo’s Cafe in Paris because the spinach had made him super strong like Popeye the Sailorman.
The Kraken ripped apart the killer seaweed and was able to swim away before the seaweed grew back together again.
After doing 4 simultaneous breast strokes with his 8 arms, the Kraken was soon in sight of the beaches of Tel Aviv.
The Kraken decided to dive underwater and then rise up again in order to make a grand and impressive entrance on to the beach.
He dove and then rose again.
As he rose, he brought up the Russian Navy submarine The Pride of Saint Petersburg (that had been doing surveillance work up and down the coast of Israel) on his head.
Wearing the submarine like a hat on his head, he stepped on to the beach and announced to Miranda the Mermaid that he had arrived.
. . .
A group of tourists were on the beach at Cefalu, Sicily.
Only a week earlier, a young 7-year-old female sperm whale had been found dead on that beach.
Its stomach was full of plastic bags and other plastic objects that had caused her death.
Now the bozo group of tourists on the beach were littering it with plastic bottles, plastic cups and plastic straws after their huge gluttonous picnic and beach party.
The Celtic stag god Cernunnos emerged from the hills above the beach carrying his crossbow and poisoned arrows.
The horned stag quickly fired poisoned arrows into the huge crowd of plastic littering bozos killing them all.
The Greek god Ares who had been walking along the beach likewise threw down a huge plastic cup and plastic straw.
Cernunnos fired a poisoned arrow marked MADE IN PARIS into Ares’ Achilles heel.
The Greek god of war fell on to the beach crying out, “I hate it when that happens.”
. . .
Allatallahbell the Vampiress Priestess of Baal would be meeting in the Vatican Gardens today with Medusa’s sisters Sthenno and Euryale.
In the meantime she was performing a sacrifice to Baal in one of the side chapels in the Vatican.
As Allatallahbell was busy sacrificing to Baal, Pope Francis was strolling through the Vatican grounds.
A couple of days earlier, Pope Francis had given a talk to a group of people on one of his favourite topics the God of Surprises.
The God of Surprises always reminded him of the boxes of Cracker Jack popcorn that he bought as a kid which always had a prize inside.
His friend Samhain Cardinal Salaman had just found a shop in Rome which sold Cracker Jack popcorn.
Pope Francis walked through the Vatican contentedly munching on the molasses-flavoured and caramel-coated popcorn which came from the box with the pictures of Sailor Jack and his dog Bingo on it.
He wondered what prize lay for him at the bottom of the box.
What did the god of surprises have in store for him?
With that thought in mind, he walked into the Vatican Gardens where there stood Sthenno and Euryale the sisters of Medusa:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 25th
2019.
The Kraken Meets The Ghost of Orson Welles In Paris
Voting in the European Parliament elections had begun today and would continue until May 26th.
The Kraken Napoleon VI, leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party, sat in the Quasimodo Cafe and calmly sipped Lemon Tea and dipped potato chips into Sour Cream and Onion Chip Dip as he awaited the first of the results to come in.
His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had been cured of her Gorgonism by Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) sat calmly painting her fingernails a lovely Moulin Rouge.
The ghost of Orson Welles (who sat across from Medusa and the Kraken) recalled how his late former wife Rita Hayworth had once performed the Can Can (to the tune of Jacques Offenbach’s Orpheus In The Underworld) with her fingers while wearing a pair of black leather gloves.
The performance was considered too hot to handle and was not included in Miss Hayworth’s 1946 film Gilda.
“Johnny, be good,” an impromptu line spoken by Miss Hayworth was also edited out of the film.
“Did you ever consider running for political office when you were alive?” The Kraken asked Welles’ ghost.
“Well, Democratic Party organizers in Wisconsin the state of my birth did ask me to consider running as their candidate for the U.S. Senate in Wisconsin in 1946 but I declined,” Welles sipped a nice spectral glass of spectral red wine, “something that I regretted later as my Republican opponent would have been none other than Joe McCarthy. U.S. political history might have been different had I chosen to run.”
“There’s the Egyptian vampiress Isis,” Medusa spoke critically as the Egyptian vampiress walked through the door wearing a French flag tricoloured evening dress.
“Did you know Isis was the model for Frederic Auguste Bartholdi’s Statue of Liberty?” Welles recounted aloud some knowledge he had uncovered during his time spent in Purgatory.
“I’d heard that,” the Kraken ordered a cognac from the waiter.
“Isis is backing Emmanuel Macron’s party in the European Parliament elections,” Medusa’s voice dripped with contempt like a lethal dose of snake venom.
“I think Freemasons generally support the idea of a fully integrated European Union,” Welles lit a spectral cigar, “and since both Isis and Osiris are the prevalent deities worshipped in a lot of Masonic lodges around the world, it’s no surprise that Isis and the Masons would share a similar political viewpoint.”
“I still suspect our party will do well though,” the Kraken reached for 8 glasses of cognac with his 8 arms.
“I hear our ally across the Channel Renfield is doing well in most polls there,” Welles ordered a California wine much to the displeasure of the French waiter.
“He is,” the Kraken smiled, “I wonder how long he’ll be in the European Parliament before Brexit happens.”
“I imagine EU bureaucrats will be more sympathetic to the idea of a rapid Brexit to prevent Renfield from entering the European Parliament,” Welles brushed cigar ash out of his ghostly beard.
“I hear,” Medusa changed the subject, “that Prince Harry and Meghan the Duchess of Sussex were considering asking Renfield to be their son Archie Harrison’s godfather but that the Prince of Wales is strongly opposed to the idea.”
“That I heard as well,” Welles reached for the glass of Paul Masson Wine which was sold before its time, “and the Prince of Wales might have a point. Renfield could easily become the Falstaff to young Archie’s Prince Hal.”
On the other side of the cafe, the vampiress Isis ordered a Singapore Sling as she too waited for the first of the European Parliament election results.
Meanwhile in a Paris cinema, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was attending a large screen repertory showing of the 1942 film classic Casablanca.
Suddenly appearing on the screen in front of him was a scene he hadn’t recalled seeing before.
That’s because the black and white scene wasn’t part of the movie Casablanca.
It was the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis beckoning to him.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 23rd
2019.
Pirate’s Ghost Attends Volodymyr Zelensky’s Inauguration
The ghost of Captain Kerry Donegal the little known (save to a certain Oxford historian and his grad students) 18th Century Irish pirate of the Caribbean was walking the streets of Kiev in Ukraine.
He was here to attend the inauguration of Volodymyr Zelensky as Ukraine’s new President.
As a pirate’s ghost, he had only recently been released from Purgatory.
The decision to release him came in a teleconferencing call between the Greek gods Hades, Poseidon and Zeus.
Hades as the god of the Underworld had Purgatory under his jurisdiction.
However the section of Purgatory that Captain Kerry Donegal was in was Davy Jones’ Locker over which Poseidon also held jurisdiction.
As Poseidon walked along the beaches of Tel Aviv, Israel (where the sea god passed Miranda the mermaid while he was holding his seashell phone to his ear) the three Olympians agreed on Captain Donegal’s release.
Normally Pope Francis as the successor of Simon Peter (to whom Christ had given the keys of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory) was supposed to have some say on the matter but since Francis did not believe in the existence of 2 out of 3 of those places, he had abdicated all responsibility on the matter to Hades back in 2014.
Captain Kerry Donegal wasn’t too sure why his release from Purgatory and Davy Jones’ Locker was so important to Zeus but it had something to do with Zeus wanting to release his own personal kraken on the world.
And Captain Donegal had died as a result of being strangled by a kraken.
Albeit as far as he knew, the kraken who strangled him wasn’t Zeus’ personal kraken.
Since arriving on the world above Purgatory and Davy Jones’ Locker, Captain Donegal had ridden a horse called Bodexpress at the Preakness Stakes in Baltimore, Maryland when the horse’s jockey had fallen off and the pirate’s ghost decided to jump on the horse and ride the rest of the way.
The pirate and Bodexpress had come in 2nd from last in the race although technically speaking, Bodexpress was officially listed as Did Not Finish.
The pirate captain blamed his poor finish on not having ridden a horse since the days of his wild youth in Ireland.
Captain Donegal had been in Baltimore, Maryland trying to locate a man named Edgar Allan Poe since a Haitian fortune teller had once told him that a man named Poe who lived in the city would someday be able to help him.
Captain Donegal discovered to his horror that Poe had apparently died almost 170 years earlier and in his shock had suddenly found himself on the Pimlico Race Course with a bunch of horses charging right through him.
He leapt on Bodexpress when Bodexpress’ rider had fallen off at the start of the race.
And now Captain Kerry Donegal found himself in Kiev, Ukraine.
He wasn’t quite sure how he got here but he was here.
The last he remembered was being in a Baltimore pub after the race but no one had taken his order (namely because they couldn’t see him).
He had heard in the pub that Ukraine would be holding a Presidential inauguration today and Captain Donegal recalled that a Cossack pirate who had served on his ship The Not So Green Shamrock had come from Ukraine.
He decided to visit the place and lo and behold he was here.
He watched as Ukraine’s new leader Volodymyr Zelensky took the oath of office.
But what he particularly enjoyed was watching two vampiresses (although he didn’t know they were vampiresses) wrestling with one another after the inauguration.
Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak was battling it out with Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva on behalf of their respective countries.
All he needed now, Captain Kerry Donegal thought to himself, was a good bottle of rum as he watched.
There was nothing he enjoyed more than a good catfight.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 20th
2019.
Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak wishes reader George F. a pleasant evening.
Captain Kerry Donegal and The Kraken
“And so who is Captain Kerry Donegal?” Monica Dhaliwal asked her Oxford history tutor Professor Smets.
“He was an 18th Century Irish pirate,” Professor Smets answered as his glasses steamed up over the cup of English Breakfast tea that he was having for lunch, “who actually did most of his pirating in the Caribbean Sea. I do wonder whether the writers of the Pirates of The Caribbean films did not model their character of Captain Jack Sparrow on the said Captain Kerry Donegal. He was kind of a lovable rogue. A gentleman pirate as it were who was apparently a hit with the ladies.
And not a hit with those companies whose ships he robbed. Or with the members of Britain’s Royal Navy who he managed to escape from on several occasions just before he was supposed to be hung.”
“That would make for unpopularity among Royal Naval officers,” Monica had to admit, “how did he eventually die?”.
“No one knows for sure,” Professor Smets picked up a cream cheese and cucumber sandwich, “legend has it that he was accidentally strangled by a kraken in the 1750s.”
“Accidentally strangled?” Monica had to smile.
“Yes, according to legend, this kraken was a friend of his,” Professor Smets adjusted his glasses again, “a kraken who had eaten from the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden which is to be found in the depths of the Persian Gulf. Eating from the Tree of Life had caused the Kraken to become immortal. Anyhow according to the stories, the Kraken and Kerry had become great friends. And the Kraken it turns out was a Jacobite sympathizer having once carried Bonnie Prince Charlie over the seas to Skye. According to legend, after an evening in which this Kraken had drunken 120 barrels of rum, he mistook his friend Captain Kerry Donegal for the Duke of Cumberland aka the Butcher of Culloden who had defeated Bonnie Prince Charlie at the Battle of Culloden on April 16th 1746. So he strangled Captain Kerry Donegal thinking that it was Cumberland he was strangling. When the Kraken woke from his drunken stupor and discovered to his horror what he had done, he tried to join a Franciscan monastery in what is now California but was turned down since at that time, the Franciscan order did not accept krakens as postulants.”
“And whatever became of this Kraken?” Miss Dhaliwal asked with a huge smile on her face.
“Well, again, according to legend,” Professor Smets gazed out the window of his Oxford University office, “the Kraken and Captain Kerry Donegal had gone to see a fortune teller on the island of Haiti to get their fortunes read. No one is sure what the beautiful woman seer told Captain Donegal but she apparently told the Kraken that at a future date far into the future, a scientist would have the ability to transfer his mind into the Kraken’s body and would do so since the scientist was dying from a fatal illness. Thus the Kraken would have both a kraken mind and a human mind at some future date.”
“What about Captain Kerry Donegal?” Monica inquired, “What did he look like?”.
“Well, here’s a drawing of him,” Professor Smets showed her the drawing, “as you can see from the drawing, he looks quite a bit like Captain Jack Sparrow as portrayed by Johnny Depp.”
“He does indeed,” Monica looked at the picture.
“They say an oil painting was done of Captain Kerry Donegal as well but no one is sure what became of the painting,” Professor Smets took off his glasses and wiped them with a handkerchief.
“So all these legends you’ve been telling me?” Miss Dhaliwal laughed, “Are you sure they’re an appropriate History lesson?”.
“It was investigating legends and myths that made the reputations of C.S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien here at Oxford,” Professor Smets smiled.
Monica looked at the clock.
Her tutorial time was over.
She stood up, smoothed her dress and thanked Professor Smets for an interesting lecture.
She walked out into the Oxford grounds and imagined a seascape of pirates and krakens with the dome of the Bodleian Library becoming the mast of a huge sailing ship.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 19th
2019.
