Joe Biden’s Connection To Balor of the Evil Eye
The 3 Fates of Greek Mythology: Do they control humanity’s fate?
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having images of NASA attacking an asteroid and then a Chinese naval cruiser and a Russian submarine off the coast of Alaska.
Then he had a vision of the 3 Fates of Greek mythology (the 3 Moirai) cutting a whole bunch of thread.
A massive amount of thread.
Michelangelo started to scream as Gaia burst into flames.
Then he had another vision.
Joe Biden in the Oval Office.
An aide entered.
“Mr. President, the local DC chapter of the Mormon Genealogical Society has been doing research into your family background,” said his aide.
“Genie what?” Asked Biden, “Is that going around rubbing magic lamps and a huge tall entity pops out granting you 3 wishes?”.
“No, Mr. President,” the aide shook his head, “They’ve discovered that you’re a direct descendant of Balor of the Evil Eye who was the leader of the Fomorians (also Fomorii) who are mentioned in numerous Irish myths and legends.”
“Is that a good thing?” Joe Biden sniffed the hair of a voodoo doll who was made in the image of Kamala Harris.
“Possibly, Mr. President,” his aide said, “Anyways Utah Sen. Mitt Romney is going to preside over a special ceremony in a Mormon temple where the spirit of your ancestor Balor of the Evil Eye will be posthumously baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.”
“And does Pope Francis approve of this?” Biden accidentally stapled the doll’s hair together.
A scream came from down the hall.
“Absolutely, the Holy Father absolutely approves,” his aide nodded, “He would attend the ceremony in person himself but that’s his bingo night on the day the ceremony is being held.”
“What a bummer,” Biden said.
Coincidentally at that moment, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg happened to walk by.
“Does that mean,” a British aide with a classical education asked, “That the President is also descended from the Irish sun-god Lugh since Lugh is the grandson of Balor after Cian (who had his cow stolen by Balor) went to Balor’s home on Tory Island and made out with Balor’s daughter Ethlinn producing Lugh.”
“I’m afraid not,” the American aide shook his head, “In a story not recounted in Irish myths and legends but recorded in the journals of the last Archbishop of Glastonbury (who was beheaded by Mordred and was last seen carrying his head across the lake in a beautiful pea green stone boat that sailed over to the Isle of Avalon there to be buried with Arthur), Balor of the Evil Eye also made out with an ugly looking Greek sea hag called Olyveoyle.”
“He did?” Biden sucked on the nipples of the voodoo doll causing another scream to come from the office down the hall.
“Yes,” the aide nodded, “His one eye, his evil eye popped out when he first saw Olvyeoyle causing the ancient Greeks to call him Popeye. This happened in the Garden of Spinach on the island of Crete. Anyhow Balor fought with a sailor called Brutus Jr. who was the time travelling son of a 1st Century BC Roman Senator for Olyve’s hand. Brutus was stabbed in the backside and died causing his unrequited Spartan male lover to write odes of poetry in Brutus’ honour. Balor and Olyveoyle had a kid called Sweet Pea because he apparently loved eating sweet peas. You’re descended from Sweet Pea.”
“I am?” Biden bit the buttocks of the voodoo doll.
A third scream came from down the hall.
Atropos the 3rd Fate decided that now was the time to cut the thread.
Michelangelo awakened from his dream.
Or was it a vision?
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday September 27th
2022.
Svetlana Kireeva, Vladimir Putin and The Mysterious Horn In Byzantium
Russian vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva awaits the launch of a nuclear missile which would be fired from a secret location in Moscow
Earlier in the day, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced on Russian national television that he would be mobilizing 300,000 reservists in an effort to save his would-be Neo-Imperialist Czarist ass in Ukraine.
To the right of Putin stood the ghost of the late U.S. President LBJ.
“Well scratch my ass and think about Israel,” LBJ laughed, “It looks like Ukraine is turning into Russia’s Vietnam.”
In the corner of the room sat the ghost of Jim Morrison weeping in a chair.
“Why,” Morrison sobbed, “of all the ghost stories in all the world did I first have to appear in one written by the world’s most boring author Phil Huston?”.
To the left of Morrison’s ghost was a holographic image of Alice Cooper who was committing hari kari with the pointy end of his mace for the same reason that Morrison’s ghost sat sobbing in a chair.
It was the first time that Russian reservists had been called up since the Second World War.
As Putin’s face was sprayed by a whole bunch of ghostly spectral holographic blood issuing forth from the intestines of the well hari-karied ghostly spectral holographic image of Alice Cooper who was busy singing his last ever hit Farewll To My Nightmare, Putin announced that he would be using nuclear weapons against the West.
To that end, Russian vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva received a text message from Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Miranda Singh asking if the two of them could meet in Stockholm Sweden in an effort to prevent global nuclear war.
. . .
Senile old fool Joe Biden was meeting with one of his advisors after the Irish Celtic demon Balor Biden’s speech to the UN General Assembly.
“Mr. President,” his advisor advised, “Regarding Putin’s threatened use of nuclear weapons, you have a secret personal weapon of your own to use in your dealings with Mr. Putin.”
“I do? And what secret personal weapon of my own would that be?” Biden asked as he broke wind and then let loose with a bowel movement.
The advisor was unable to answer Biden’s question as he immediately dropped dead from sulphurous exhaust fumes.
. . .
The Byzantine Emperor Justinian I was sitting on his throne in Constantinople in the year 537 AD when an envoy from Arthur King of the Britons appeared.
“Your Imperial Majesty, your noble ally Arthur King of the Britons is dead after having been slain by his evil son Mordred at the Battle of Camlann,” the envoy stated, “His repentant half-sister Morgan le Fay wants you to have this.”
“What is it?” Justinian asked.
“It’s the horn of Arthur’s personal Unicorn,” the envoy explained, “A Unicorn that was slain by Mordred the evil son of Arthur King of the Britons and Morgan le Fay.”
“Let me see,” the beautiful Byzantine Empress Theodora rose from her throne.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 21st
2022.
Saint Eustace, Mordred and The Unicorn
The Lady of the Lake with the Unicorn
Today September 20th is the Feast Day of St. Eustace.
St. Eustace was a pagan Roman general who converted to Christianity after seeing the sign of the Cross over the antlers of a deer he was hunting.
He was martyred in 118 AD under the Emperor Hadrian.
On St. Eustace’s Day in the year 537 AD, Mordred approached a river where the Lady of the Lake was present.
Behind her was a Unicorn.
Mordred raised his bow to shoot an arrow.
A Cross appeared over the Unicorn’s horn.
Mordred shot the Unicorn dead anyways.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 20th
2022.
Chinese Moon Goddess Chang’e and Mooncake Mid-Autumn Festival
The Chinese moon goddess Chang’e and her companion the Jade Rabbit
The legend of the ancient Chinese moon goddess Chang’e
She drank an immortality potion
And on the moon she now lives
With the Jade Rabbit
Her closest companion
Brewing immortality potions
Some say she stole the immortality potion
From her lover Hou Yi
The Chinese lord god of archery
And as Chang’e floated up and up
He shot arrows at her
Some say it was for her to grab ahold of
So she could stop right at the moon
Instead of sailing far far away
To the farthest parts of the Cosmos
Others say he shot arrows at her
Out of anger
But still Hou Yi
Yearned for her
So he leaves mooncakes out for her
Through the years.
From the moon Chang’e mourns,
She glows
Turning the moon’s phases
Into faces
Brightly in the sky
And from this
Was the tradition of leaving mooncakes
Out on Mid-Autumn Festival
(What is called Harvest Moon
in North America)
Born.
Happy Mooncake Mid-Autumn Festival. 👩🏻‍🎨🌕🌝🙂
-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday September 10th 2022
The Night of The Harvest Moon
Mooncake Mid-Autumn Festival
Inspired by the legend
of the Chinese moon goddess
Chang’e
The Jade Rabbit
and
Hou Yi
The Chinese lord god
of Archery.
Pan Goatee Beheads Fat Ugly Blimp and Her Moronic Fat Ugly Boyfriend
As Transhumanist philosopher Yuval Noah Harari gave yet another speech arguing that all of humanity must be turned into robotic cyborgs by 2030, world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was sitting in a cafe enjoying an iced coffee on an extremely hot late August day.
His enjoyment would not last long however.
For an extremely repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp and her moronic low IQ fat ugly boyfriend came and stood directly in front of the window where he was sitting.
One moment it was paradise.
The next moment the depths of Hell.
What was different about this aesthetically challenged and intellectually challenged duo was that usually in other cases where Pan Goatee had seen fat ugly blimps and their moronic low IQ boyfriends, the moronic low IQ boyfriend was usually quite thin and slim.
And in appearance the moronic low IQ boyfriend was usually mediocre looking.
Not good looking nor ugly.
Just mediocre.
Like the abilities and talents of most journalists and reporters working in the brainless mainstream media today.
However in this case, not only was the woman (although even members of Joe Biden’s cabinet probably would not want to self-identify as whatever gender this creature was) super extremely grotesquely fat and super repulsively hideously ugly, her boyfriend was likewise fat and ugly.
Although not as fat and ugly as she was.
“I can well imagine the arguments you two must have over who gets the last slice of pizza after you’ve gotten down to the last of the 48 dozen Xtra Large Pizzas you ordered,” Pan Goatee remarked as he cut off the heads of both fat ugly blimp and low IQ moronic looking fat ugly boyfriend and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.
Krampus had to be treated for a hernia after he carried the remains of both fat uglos down to the depths of Tartarus.
Later that night Pan Goatee had gone to a grocery store when he saw a thin repulsive uglo standing at a street corner with a combination of blue and green hair.
“Having two ridiculous unnatural hair colours still doesn’t make you look more attractive,” the satyr noted as he threw his astral laser machete at her and the machete beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Later after buying a few items at the grocery store, Goatee went for a walk around the neighbourhood where the grocery store was located.
While walking through the neighbourhood, he encountered two fat ugly aboriginal blimps.
Goatee beheaded both blimps and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.
The Demon Buffalo of Buffalo Lake (noted in both Alberta Cree and Blackfoot First Nations folklore) then appeared and told the satyr that the two women were the result of an experiment being conducted by the Great Grandmother of the West (known in the oral traditions of the Hopi, Navajo, Pueblo and Apache peoples as Spider Grandmother) and the leader of the Circle of Spirits who was invoked by a Manitoba First Nations shaman at the July summit in Quebec City which both Pope Francis and Canada’s Neo-Stalinst tyrant Justin Trudeau had attended.
“The Great Grandmother of the West is cross-breeding walruses with sasquatch and then magically turning them into human form,” the Demon Buffalo explained, “those two you just slew were the results of this cross-breeding program.”
“But I thought sasquatch were totally imaginary fictional and mythical creatures,” Pan Goatee protested, “Only seen by those who have drank too much Kokanee Beer or consumed too many magic mushrooms in the Pacific Northwest.”
“No, sasquatch are real beings,” the Demon Buffalo explained, “Although they do try to hide out and not be seen by humans. Namely because of a terrifying prophecy that Coyote (the trickster god spoken of in the mythology and folklore of the North American Plains, West Coast and Southwest Indians) made over a thousand years ago. Coyote said that someday the world’s most boring storyteller and teller of tales would inundate the world with a large amount of incomparably boring stories featuring murder mysteries and sasquatch.”
“I wonder where I should go? Philadelphia or Houston?” The ghost of W.C. Fields walked by wearing his top hat and carrying a cane.
Fields doffed his hat in the direction of both satyr and demon buffalo.
Thus showing that what little hair he had was in definite need of PH Unbalanced Shampoo.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 29th
2022.
The Demon Buffalo Sends A Text Message
The Norse trickster god Loki was getting increasingly ticked off that genetically created satyr Pan Goatee was bumping off his (Loki’s) genetically created female uglo offspring.
So much so that demons allied with Loki were playing interference with the traffic lights at the intersection where the bus that Pan Goatee was riding was stopped.
The demons held up the traffic lights even longer than usual.
Finally when the light finally turned green, the bus was unable to quickly turn left because a couple of slow moving pedestrians (at a traffic corner that rarely had any pedestrians) were being outraced by snails as they crossed the street.
To make matters even worse for Pan Goatee, the slow moving pedestrian bimbos were also a couple of super repulsive female uglos.
Pan opened the bus window across from him, put his astral laser machete on auto-pilot and threw it out the window.
The astro laser machete then beheaded both of the super repulsive female uglos and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.
Loki did an impersonation of Joe Biden doing a major blow out in his Depends diapers when he heard the news that Pan had beheaded a couple more of his ugly uglo female progeny at the satanic demonically controlled traffic crossing.
The rest of Pan’s afternoon bus trip went off without incident.
However later that night Pan went out for an evening bus trip and on the way back home Pan saw the same purple and pink haired uglo getting on board the bus as he had beheaded and dismembered last night.
“What I thought I had killed you last night, bitch,” Pan reached for his astral laser machete, “Quite inconsiderate of you not to stay dead especally when Krampus carried your remains to the lower circles of Tartarus.”
Unbeknownst to Pan, the evil mad scientist Dr. Anthony Fauci (an ally of Loki) had genetically created a clone of the purple and pink haired uglo.
So after the original had been beheaded and dismembered last night, Dr. Fauci had arranged for the uglo’s clone to board the bus at the same uglo bat time in the same uglo bat neighbourhood.
The genetically cloned uglo was now being beheaded and cut up into 999 trillion pieces.
After the beheading and multiple trillion dismemberment of the uglo clone, Pan Goatee received a text message from the Demon Buffalo of Buffalo Lake and Lac Ste. Anne.
Said the Demon Buffalo, “Here’s more information about the Great Western Grandmother who was invoked by a Huron shaman at the Citadel in Quebec City last week in the presence of satanic AntiPope Francis, his retinue of bishops and cardinals as well as the pale faced (as opposed to black faced) Justin Trudeau. The Great Western Grandmother who’s called Spider Grandmother in the folklore and traditions of the Hopi, Zuma, Navajo and Pueblo peoples.
The Great Western Grandmother is also called Toci Yoalticitl (“Our Grandmother The Nocturnal Physician”) by the Aztecs.
She is apparently an earth goddess who inhabits the sweatbath according to the Aztecs.
She was called Ixchel by the Mayas (she appears as a supposedly good alien being in New Age writer Madeleine L’ Engle’s book A Wrinkle In Time) and she has 4 symbols in 4 different colours – red, white, black and yellow which are associated with the 4 different segments of the Universe.
The name Ixchel means “Rainbow Woman” which is probably why the sodomites and transgenders adopted the rainbow as their symbol and why Pope Francis’ Vatican is so prone to displaying the Pride rainbow.
Interestingly enough on her head Ixchel wore a serpent and the pattern on her skirt was of bones in the form of a Cross.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written Thursday August 4th
2022.
Pan Goatee Beheads Fat Ugly Blimps Possessed By The Spirit of Spider Grandmother
Pan Goatee was given a ring by the Demon Buffalo that was able to detect individuals that were possessed by the spirit of Spider Grandmother a goddess who ate naughty children according to Navajo folklore.
Earlier this afternoon Pan Goatee was out walking when a fat ugly blimp crossing an intersection tried to walk in front of him.
Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
The incident was recorded on camera by a Jesuit spy for the Vatican.
However there was no indication according to the Demon Buffalo ring that the now beheaded and dismembered fat ugly white blimp was possessed by the spirit of Spider Grandmother.
This evening Pan Goatee was at a grocery store buying bread and cold cuts.
He was in line at the till when a couple of fat ugly aboriginal blimps came behind him.
“Good thing for them that they’re behind me,” Pan Goatee thought to himself.
However one of the airheaded fat ugly blimps took her cart and moved in front of Pan Goatee.
So Pan beheaded her with his astral laser machete and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Her airheaded fat ugly blimp friend did the same with her cart getting in front of Pan Goatee.
So the satyr likewise beheaded this rude fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
The Demon Buffalo ring (given to Pan by the demon buffalo of Buffalo Lake and Lac Ste. Anne) glowed a fiery red and a startling green indicating that both fat ugly aboriginal blimps had been possessed by the spirit of Spider Grandmother (a goddess who had been invoked last week by a First Nations shaman at the Citadel in Quebec City when the satanic AntiPope Jorge Mario Bergoglio and some of his Canadian bishops and cardinals had been present).
This incident was likewise recorded on camera by a Jesuit spy for the Vatican.
Pan then waited at a bus stop for his neighbourhood bus to show up.
As he was waiting at the bus stop, a fat ugly aboriginal blimp and her low IQ moronic aboriginal boyfriend showed up.
The Demon Buffalo ring flashed a fiery red and a startling green indicating that the fat ugly blmp was possessed by the spirit of Spider Grandmother.
So Pan beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
The ring also indicated that the low IQ aboriginal male was possessed by a demon of stupidity – a demon that seemed to possess the vast majority of white and aboriginal males in the City of Calgary.
Surprisingly the demon of stupidity did not seem to affect East Asian, South Asian, Southeast Asian, African and Caribbean or Latino males.
Thus this demon of stupidity was obviously guilty of racial profiling and should be hauled in front of a politically correct and very “woke” human rights commission.
Likewise a demon of ugliness seemed to affect a very large and vast number of white and aboriginal females in the City of Calgary but not many East Asian, South Asian, Southeast Asian, African and Caribbean or Latina females.
So the demon of ugliness was likewise obviously guilty of racial profiling and should be hauled in front of a politically correct and very “woke” human rights commission.
The bus arrived and Goatee boarded it.
Three bus stops down a fat ugly white blimp with pink and purple coloured hair boarded the bus.
The pink and purple hair did absolutely nothing to improve the fat ugly blimp’s appearance.
So the satyr beheaded the pink and purple hair coloured fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
There was no indication that this fat ugly blimp was possessed by the spirit of Spider Grandmother.
But the Jesuit spy for the Vatican recorded the incident anyways.
Back at the Vatican, Pope Francis issued a statement expressing his concern that fat ugly blimps possessed by the spirit of Spider Grandmother were being beheaded and dismembered by Pan Goatee.
Some practical joker in one of the Vatican departments translated the papal statement into Latin and posted it on-line almost causing the pontiff to have an aneurysm.
-A vampire novel chapter
written Wednesday August 3rd
2022.
Pan Goatee Beheads Yet Another Uglo At The Dollar Store
Pan Goatee managed to survive the August 1st long weekend without seeing a single uglo.
But it’s the 2nd day of August and a repulsive looking uglo once again has to put in an appearance in the local dollar store.
Pan Goatee was down at the local Dollar store.
There was once again only one cashier working tonight but that was okay because there was only one person ahead of him and he only had one item.
A bag of potato chips.
But sadly for Pan Goatee, the would-be potato chip purchaser was a total moron.
He did not know how to tap his card on the machine to make a purchase.
5 minutes later the imbecile somehow inadvertently managed to successfully tap the machine and a potato chip purchase was made.
The moron then left the store.
Goatee went up to the cashier and put his bottles of Lemonade and Diet Pepsi down.
Even though there was no other customers an airheaded cashier came and opened up another till.
And lo and behold a repulsive looking uglo (of the thin ugly looking stoat like variety) arrived and got in front of Pan Goatee to head to the newly opened airhead’s till.
The uglo had a female friend with her.
The repulsive looking uglo said in a squeaky squealy high pitched voice to the airheaded cashier, “Did anyone ever tell you that you’re pretty?”.
“Well too bad the same couldn’t be said about you, bitch,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
He then beheaded the uglo’s friend for being a friend of the uglo.
He then beheaded the airheaded cashier for opening up a new till right at the front of the straight line of cash registers allowing the repulsive looking uglo to get in front of him.
After the satyr finished cutting up the latter two into 999 trillion pieces each, Krampus arrived looking suntanned and burnt to a crisp from his tropical Hawaiian vacation to carry the remains of Pan’s victims down to the fiery flames of Tartarus.
Ares the Greek god of war (who had been filling in for Krampus while the latter was on vacation) had himself now gone on vacation to Taiwan.
Which was a stupid place to be seeing as how Nancy Pelosi was there.
Goatee left the store and happened to spot the moron with the bag of potato chips who had taken so long to figure out how to tap his card on the credit/debit card digital reading machine.
“Because of your bloody goddamned stupidity in trying to figure out how to do something so simple as to tap a card on a machine, I was forced to encounter a repulsive ugly looking woman,” Goatee explained as he beheaded the bag of potato chips carrying imbecile and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
When Krampus arrived to pick up the remains of the beheaded and dismembered moronic imbecile, Pan threw the partly eaten bag of potato chips at the Austro-Hungarian and Bavarian demon, “Here, enjoy these. In appreciation of your hard work.”
As Pan Goatee walked down the street, he encountered the Demon Buffalo of Buffalo Lake and now (the recent papally blessed) Lac Ste. Anne.
“I was wondering,” Pan asked the Demon Buffalo, “if you knew who this great Western Grandmother opening up the Circle of Spirits was that was being invoked by Huron-Wendat First Nations shaman Raymond Gros-Louis while satanic AntiPope Francis, his retinue of bishops and cardinals, Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau and Canadian Governor-General Mary Simon all placed their hands on their hearts while she the great Western Grandmother with her Circle of Spirits was being invoked at the Citadel in Quebec City?”.
“Well,” the Demon Buffalo started eating nearby passers-by, “I imagine that the great Western Grandmother who was being invoked is Spider Grandmother who is an important figure in the mythology, oral traditions and folklore of many Native American cultures in the southwestern United States. In Hopi mythology, Spider Grandmother also called Gogyeng Sowuhti can take the shape of an old or timeless woman or take the shape of a common spider in many Hopi stories. When she is in her spider shape, she lives underground in a hole that is like a Kiva. A Kiva is a space used by Puebloans (the Pueblo peoples of the southwest) for rites associated with the kachina (spirit being) system. The kiva is a large room that is circular and underground and generally used for spiritual ceremonies. In the Hopi creation story, Tawa the sun god and Spider Woman (aka Spider Grandmother) the Earth Goddess separate themselves into parts to create other lesser gods, then create the world and its creatures. This is similar to the Zuni creation myth where Spider Grandmother also plays a part. In Navajo mythology, Spider Woman is said to cast her web like like a net to capture and eat misbehaving children. She spent time on a rock aptly named Spider Rock which is said to have turned white from the bones resting in the sun. In the Pueblo tradition, she is called Spider Old Woman. The Spider Woman or Spider Grandmother of the southwestern U.S. tribes is believed to be the same being/entity as the pre-Columbian Teotihuacan Great Goddess because their pictorial representations are the same.”
“Thanks,” Pan said.
“You’re welcome,” the Demon Buffalo belched after having eaten a University of Calgary anthropology professor.
-A vampire novel chapter
written Tuesday August 2nd
2022.
Wild West Haiku Inspired By Marty Robbins
Out in West Texas
Town of El Paso there was
A Mexican girlRose’s Cantina
Was the place she’d be found
Her skirt polished the groundAs she whirled and twirled
Like the storm of a desert
Where n’eer bush was foundFelina was name
Of this pretty young maiden
Sent men’s hearts a-flayin’Many fell in love with
This Mexican maiden
That condom sales were arazin’Sheriff Joe Biden
Entered the cantina’s doors
Hunter’s came on the floorsLecherous sheriff
Sniffed the young maiden’s hair
As off went his underwearHe was soon filled with lead
And fell to cantina floor
Looking awful deadSuch was fair Felina
But her spell did not affect
Gay pope from Argentina-A series of haikus
written in 30 degrees Celsius heat
By Christopher
Which possibly has the same effects
As using hallucinogenic drugs
Friday July 15th 2022.
Maria Alexa Romanova
Grand Duchess Maria Alexa Romanova
The Grand Duchess Maria Alexa Romanova (a second cousin once removed to the late Czar of Russia Nicholas II) sat on her cushioned double headed Phoenix throne in her Paris hotel room in the year 1936.
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was at her feet where he had landed after coming from the future using the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern for time travel.
The ghost of Orson Welles had accompanied him.
Welles’ ghost had landed in a comfortable arm chair in the hotel room and was even now sampling a glass of champagne next to him as well as a dish of Black Sea caviar.
“Who are you?” The Grand Duchess and 12th in line to the Russian Imperial Throne asked.
“I’m Dracul Van Helsing and this is my friend the ghost of Orson Welles,” the vampire hunter replied.
“But I thought Orson Welles was still alive,” Maria stated, “A rising young star on both stage and radio.”
“I was back in the day,” Welles licked his ghostly fingers, “But I died on October 10th 1985 after giving what turned out to be my last interview on the Merv Griffin Show where I talked about the happiness of hedgehogs, my sex life and Rita Hayworth.”
“I hope only two of those things are connected in that last statement you made,” Dracul looked concerned.
“You’re from the future?” Maria Alexa looked surprised, “Why are you here?”.
“Because Franz Kohler the last surviving member of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau and a vampire intends to kidnap you,” Van Helsing answered.
“But why?” The Grand Duchess leaned back on her cushiony throne.
“Something to do with the Ukrainian Azov Nazi Battalions,” Van Helsing replied.
“The… what?” Maria tried to grasp what was being said.
“Nazis of our time period in the early 21st Century,” Van Helsing explained, “The brainless mainstream media of our day in the West don’t talk about them because they don’t want to admit that Vladimir Putin could be right about anything.”
“Vladimir…?” The name froze on the Grand Duchess’ tongue.
“Putin,” Welles finished the last of his Black Sea caviar, “Russia’s leader of our day.”
“Glad to see that pig Stalin didn’t find the secret to immortality,” Maria Alexa breathed a sigh of relief.
“No but Transhumanist billionaire oligarchs of our day are working on it for themselves,” Welles’ ghost got on the phone and asked Room Service to send some spectral coq au vin up to the room, “although Stalin does have a number of ardent disciples in the Western world such as a pale faced lily white boy named Justin Castro Trudeau who lives in Ottawa Canada and is jealous of the appearance of African-Americans.”
“What is the connection between this Ahnenerbe SS officer Franz Kohler and the Ukrainian Nazi Azov Battalions?” The Grand Duchess inquired.
“They’re all disciples of the Black Sun,” Van Helsing answered.
“The Black Sun?” Maria Alexa was surprised by all these terms.
“The Black Sun is really a brownish red dwarf star called Nemesis which orbits around the planet Nibiru as it travels across the galaxy,” Van Helsing noted, “First noted in little known ancient Egyptian texts and Franz Kohler became obsessed with them. Solar winds from Nemesis may have combined with solar winds from our own sun named Sol Invictus in terms of cosmology to have produced a rather spectacular display of the Aurora Borealis Northern Lights back on January 25th 1938 in fulfillment of the Virgin Mary’s prophecy at Fatima that this would be the sign the Second World War would soon start.”
“What does all this have to do with me?” Maria wanted to know.
“We’re not sure but we want to prevent Franz Kohler from kidnapping you and taking you back to the future to the city of Kiev,” Van Helsing sat beside the Grand Duchess.
“There’s only a limited time period for Kohler to kidnap you before his time travel debit card expires,” Welles finished the champagne, “Ah, I see looking at my Dick Tracy style spectral television wrist watch that our partner in time Michelangelo has just successfully used one of his Hydra blood dipped lobster antennae to jab and poison Franz Kohler in his ankle in the lobby of the hotel. This means you’re safe, Your Imperial Highness.”
“So what shall we do now?” The Grand Duchess asked.
“How about make love?” Van Helsing suggested.
The two were soon making out on the large cushioned double headed Phoenix throne just as Room Service arrived with the coq au vin.
“That would be for me,” Welles motioned to the bell boy.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 19th
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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