Le₱ardia Marango In Kiev
The last thing he saw before he felt a konk on the head and everything went dark.
Saturn Kronos Heads To The North ₱ole
World famous genetically created satyr ₱an Goatee was once again riding a bus.
Saint Nicholas Night
The Kraken Na₱oleon VI and Medusa On A Na₱oleonic Anniversary
The Countess Gina
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Freya, Chiron and Nanook Tulok
The Norse goddess Freya in a temple in Canada’s high Arctic
The Greek centaur Chiron and the mysterious Inuit supernatural being Nanook Tulok were surprised to see a Norse temple in Canada’s High Arctic.
They were even more surprised to see the Norse goddess Freya standing inside the temple.
“Freya, what are you doing here?” An astonished Chiron asked the Norse goddess Freya who was Queen of the Valkyries.
“I might ask the same of you, oh great and noble centaur,” Freya answered, “your homeland was originally ancient Greece and then Zeus placed you among the constellations when you renounced your immortality in favour of Prometheus.”
“He also renounced his immortality to get rid of the pain of the poisoned arrow that Hercules accidentally shot into him,” Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun (who was along for the sleigh ride with Chiron and Nanook Tulok) pointed out.
Yaldabaoth had been bathing in geothermal baths outside Reykjavik Iceland in order to get rid of the smell of a volcanic bubble explosion in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming that he had been involved in.
When Yaldabaoth saw Chiron and the upright standing on two legs giant polar bear Nanook Tulok who could talk in 153 different languages pull up in their sleigh pulled by 9 magic reindeer (they are not the same magic reindeer that pull Santa’s sleigh), Yaldabaoth asked if he could go along for the ride.
Chiron and the walking talking polar bear agreed.
“So what are you fellows up to?” Yaldabaoth asked the centaur and the polar bear after he had bought a dozen popsicles and fudgesicles from a Good Humour Ice Cream man who was riding a bicycle buit for two while the speaker on his ice cream selling bicycle played that old song A Bicyle Built For Two.
The Good Humour Ice Cream man also gave Yaldabaoth a daisy flower and an autographed photo of Donald Trump to accompany the dozen popsicles and dozen fudgesicles.
“We’re on a mission for Set Enterprises in London,” Chiron replied.
“You don’t say?” Yaldabaoth unwrapped both a popsicle and a fudgesicle and stuck both in his mouth, “I occasionally do freelance work for them.”
“We’re here to find where soldiers in the army of Kaiser Wilhelm II buried an immortal horse,” Nanook Tulok polished his crossbow, “The archives of World War I German Intelligence indicate they buried it somewhere in Canada’s High Arctic.”
“An immortal horse?” Yaldabaoth opened a small jar of horseradish and put it on his popsicle and fudgesicle.
“His name is Excalibur Lightning,” Chiron the centaur explained as he polished his crossbow, “He became immortal after eating some Lingzhi Supernatural mushrooms along with some hay, potatoes and horseradish. He belongs to world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (the lesser known twin sister of world famous consulting detective Sherlock Holmes) who also became immortal after eating a Lingzhi Supernatural mushroom omelette and drinking a Lingzhi Supernatural mushroom milkshare both prepared and made by the world famous French scientist Dr. Louis Rocher.”
“Excalibur Lightning is the fastest horse on the planet,” Nanook Tulok added as he ate some sushi, “When Great Britain and her Empire declared war on Germany on August 4th 1914, the German General Staff were terrified that Sherlock and Sherrielock’s older brother Mycroft called back into government service after 2 years of retirement might call upon Sherrielock to ride Excalibur Lightning over to Germany and then tomato Kaiser Bill’s buttocks with her riding crop in an effort to get him to pull his troops out of Belgium and France thus ending the war on the Western Front. So using a sleeping potion invented by the Kaiser’s top scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (himself immortal as a result of being struck by lightning while attempting to climb the hilltop castle of Castle Frankenstein (Burg Frankenstein) in the Odenwald overlooking the city of Darmstadt in Germany), German spies put the noble immortal horse Excalibur Lightning to sleep and then placed him aboard a German U-Boat The Valkyrie that had sailed up the River Thames. The Valkyrie then sailed back down the Thames where it entered the North Sea. It then began a long sea and ocean voyage to Canada’s high Arctic. Where it apparently buried the horse underneath a Norse temple to Freya. We find it hard to believe that there is a Norse temple to Freya in Canada’s high Arctic but it is possible that the medieval Norse did sail west of Greenland through Arctic waters.”
“Dr. Nicht Werhoffen?” Yaldabaoth scratched his beard, “I think there’s a Dr. Nicht Werhoffen who works as a scientist for the Russian FSB.”
“That’s the same fellow,” Chiron nodded, “He worked for the Kaiser’s intelligence service during World War I, became a maker of Bavarian sausages after the Kaiser’s abdication in 1918, continued in that profession throughout the 1920s and early 1930s, then with the death of German President Paul von Hindenburg on August 2nd 1934 and Adolf Hitler combining the offices of President and Chancellor into the office of Fuhrer on August 19th 1934 with himself as Fuhrer making himself the dictator and absolute ruler of Germany proclaiming both a Third Reich and a Thousand Year Reich, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then worked as a scientist for Nazi Third Reich German Intelligence. Following the defeat of Nazi Germany in 1945, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then worked as a cigarette and nylon stocking smuggler in Berlin, then East Germany or the German Democratic Republic was created on October 7th 1949 and the East German Stasi was founded on February 8th 1950. Dr. Nicht Werhoffen immediately started working for the East German Stasi that same day. It was also the same day that Dr. Nicht Werhoffen mailed a pair of poison laced nylon stockings to American FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover. The nylon stockings were laced with the same poison that Hercules accidentally shot me with from his arrow- the blood of the Hydra. The poisoned nylon stockings arrived in Hoover’s office on February 24th 1950 (exactly 72 years before Russia’s invasion of Ukraine). Fortunately for Mr. Hoover, the poisoned nylon stockings were first tried on by the FBI director’s temp secretary an eccentric Australian who called himself Uncle Ernie. Uncle Ernie is apparently immortal himself (although no one is sure of the exact source of Uncle Ernie’s immortality) and surprisingly the poison caused no pain to Uncle Ernie (although this may be due to his heavy use of psychedelic and hallucinogenic drugs). Uncle Ernie then got runs in the pair of stockings after running around Washington while being chased by a young drunken Congressman John F. Kennedy (who was thorougly bombed out of his mind at the time). The stockings were thus thrown away and sucked up by a Hoover vaccuum cleaner rather than being tried on by Mr. Hoover. And then of course after West and East Germany were united on October 3rd 1990, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then went to work for the Soviet KGB. Following Mikhail Gorbachev’s December 25th Christmas Day 1991 dissolution of the USSR, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then got a job distilling vodka for then Russian President Boris Yeltsin’s personal supply. After working up an unbelievable amount of overtime pay, Dr. Nicht Werhoffen then started working as a scientist for the Russian FSB when it was created on April 3rd 1995.”
“That’s quite the biographical detail,” Yaldabaoth opened up a can of Guinness.
Freya listened to Chiron’s and Nanook Tulok’s account of why they were here while Yaldabaoth finished the last of his 365 day supply of Guinness beer (that he managed to consume in one day).
“So the question we have for you, your Norse Majesty,” Chiron asked the beautiful Freya, “Is do you have a white horse buried under your Temple?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 17th
2022.
The Cat People and The Wolfman
Simone Simon as Irena Dubrovna the black panther shapeshifting cat woman New York City based Serbian born and raised fashion illustrator who tore a psychiatrist to pieces with her claws
Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the Vicar of Saint Genevieve’s Anglo-Catholic C. of E. Parish Church in West London was meeting with one of his parishioners the world-famous concert pianist Amadeus Emanon in his vicarage kitchen who was enjoying the homemade cinnamon buns made by Father Aidan’s housekeeper Mrs. Lancaster.
Amadeus Emanon was already on his 36th cinnamon bun.
“Do you suppose Mrs. Lancaster might make some more?” Amadeus asked as he looked at the now empty plate.
“Well I do believe it takes awhile to make those cinnamon buns,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds explained, “plus I think she’s currently busy listening to your friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Wednesday night podcast.”
From upstairs in Mrs. Lancaster’s bedroom could be heard the voice of Renfield R. Renfield saying, “Wow. What a shocker. The cocaine snorting editors of Britain’s The Economist Magazine are calling for cocaine use to be legalized.”
“You know,” Amadeus helped himself to a gingerbread cookie man that Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds brought him from the refrigerator, “Renfield was telling me that Russian President Vladimir Putin hired a Siberian shaman to go to New York City and raise from the dead the body of the Serbian cat woman Irena Dubrovna. As Miss Dubrovna’s spirit has graduated from Purgatory to Paradise, she won’t be returning to her body. However a famous homicidally inclined Byzantine mermaid Echidna Antiochus who was put to death on the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I’s orders has had her spirit granted a dispensational release from the Underworld by Hades and has taken possession of Irena Dubrovna’s body.
She is going to Kiev Ukraine as an ally of Putin and will be using Irena Dubrovna’s body to turn into a black panther to rip apart bodies of Ukrainians because the demon Moloch appearing as Saint Michael the Archangel has told Vladimir Putin that it’s the right thing to do.”
“How horrifying,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds made the Sign of the Cross.
Father Aidan’s making the Sign of the Cross caused a Calvinist street preacher standing on the sidewalk outside the vicarage to drop dead.
“The thing is,” Amadeus scratched his head, “I always thought the 1942 film The Cat People starring Simone Simon was a work of fiction. I didn’t think it was based on a real incident and I didn’t think Irena Dubrovna was a real actual person.”
“Well, it turns out,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds checked out a passage in the Rev. Montague Summers’ unpublished work (written before he died) Occultic Folklore and Legend As Found In Film, “that there really was an Irena Dubrovna in the late 1930s and that what happened in the film was true.”
“Wow,” Amadeus Emanon walked over to the refrigerator and brought out the entire plate of gingerbread men cookies that he then started eating, “Next thing you know you’ll be telling me that there really was a werewolf called Larry Talbot and that the classic 1941 Universal Pictures monster horror film called The Wolfman that starred Lon Chaney Jr., Claude Rains and Evelyn Ankers was based on something that actually happened in real life.”
“Well, actually,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds cleared his throat, “I can tell you that Larry Talbot did actually exist and what happened in the 1941 film The Wolfman was true and I don’t need to consult the Rev. Montague Summers’ unpublished work Occultic Folklore and Legend As Found In Film to determine that. For it turns out my grandfather the Anglican clergyman Father Augustine Bury Saint Edmunds was the curate of Saint Magloire’s Church in Llanwelly Wales near Talbot Castle at the time Larry Talbot arrived in the village to flirt with Gwen Conliffe the daughter of the village antique shop owner and to get bitten by Bela the gypsy fortune telling werewolf.”
“Really?” Amadeus paused in the middle of eating his 6th gingerbread man cookie.
“Yes,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds nodded, “As an interesting postscript to the film which ended with Larry Talbot getting killed by his own wolf’s head silver cane walking stick wielded by Larry’s father Sir John Talbot, the Talbot Castle game keeper Frank Andrews (played by actor Patric Knowles in the film), who was Gwen Conliffe’s fiance, ended up getting killed by a wererabbit bunny rabbit that had apparently been originally bitten by Larry Talbot. After the Saint Magloire’s Church exorcism team made Welsh rarebit out of the Welsh wererabbit, after an appropriate period of mourning for the late departed Mr. Andrews, Gwen Conliffe ended up marrying the young curate Father Augustine Bury Saint Edmunds. So Gwen Conliffe is actually my grandmother.”
“Holy fuck,” Amadeus Emanon commented.
Mrs. Lancaster came down the stairs and washed Amadeus Emanon’s mouth out with soap.
. . .
Outside 10 Downing Street, Larry the 10 Downing Street cat was chasing away the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow and his spectral black horse.
Inside 10 Downing Street, former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson was trying to convince current British Prime Minister Liz Truss to hire a witch doctor or shaman to raise the famous Wolfman werewolf Larry Talbot from the dead in the Llanwelly Village Cemetery in Wales and send him to eastern Ukraine to eat and devour Russian soldiers.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 12th
2022.
Gwen Conliffe (Evelyn Ankers) among the gypsies
Joe Biden’s Connection To Balor of the Evil Eye
The 3 Fates of Greek Mythology: Do they control humanity’s fate?
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having images of NASA attacking an asteroid and then a Chinese naval cruiser and a Russian submarine off the coast of Alaska.
Then he had a vision of the 3 Fates of Greek mythology (the 3 Moirai) cutting a whole bunch of thread.
A massive amount of thread.
Michelangelo started to scream as Gaia burst into flames.
Then he had another vision.
Joe Biden in the Oval Office.
An aide entered.
“Mr. President, the local DC chapter of the Mormon Genealogical Society has been doing research into your family background,” said his aide.
“Genie what?” Asked Biden, “Is that going around rubbing magic lamps and a huge tall entity pops out granting you 3 wishes?”.
“No, Mr. President,” the aide shook his head, “They’ve discovered that you’re a direct descendant of Balor of the Evil Eye who was the leader of the Fomorians (also Fomorii) who are mentioned in numerous Irish myths and legends.”
“Is that a good thing?” Joe Biden sniffed the hair of a voodoo doll who was made in the image of Kamala Harris.
“Possibly, Mr. President,” his aide said, “Anyways Utah Sen. Mitt Romney is going to preside over a special ceremony in a Mormon temple where the spirit of your ancestor Balor of the Evil Eye will be posthumously baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.”
“And does Pope Francis approve of this?” Biden accidentally stapled the doll’s hair together.
A scream came from down the hall.
“Absolutely, the Holy Father absolutely approves,” his aide nodded, “He would attend the ceremony in person himself but that’s his bingo night on the day the ceremony is being held.”
“What a bummer,” Biden said.
Coincidentally at that moment, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg happened to walk by.
“Does that mean,” a British aide with a classical education asked, “That the President is also descended from the Irish sun-god Lugh since Lugh is the grandson of Balor after Cian (who had his cow stolen by Balor) went to Balor’s home on Tory Island and made out with Balor’s daughter Ethlinn producing Lugh.”
“I’m afraid not,” the American aide shook his head, “In a story not recounted in Irish myths and legends but recorded in the journals of the last Archbishop of Glastonbury (who was beheaded by Mordred and was last seen carrying his head across the lake in a beautiful pea green stone boat that sailed over to the Isle of Avalon there to be buried with Arthur), Balor of the Evil Eye also made out with an ugly looking Greek sea hag called Olyveoyle.”
“He did?” Biden sucked on the nipples of the voodoo doll causing another scream to come from the office down the hall.
“Yes,” the aide nodded, “His one eye, his evil eye popped out when he first saw Olvyeoyle causing the ancient Greeks to call him Popeye. This happened in the Garden of Spinach on the island of Crete. Anyhow Balor fought with a sailor called Brutus Jr. who was the time travelling son of a 1st Century BC Roman Senator for Olyve’s hand. Brutus was stabbed in the backside and died causing his unrequited Spartan male lover to write odes of poetry in Brutus’ honour. Balor and Olyveoyle had a kid called Sweet Pea because he apparently loved eating sweet peas. You’re descended from Sweet Pea.”
“I am?” Biden bit the buttocks of the voodoo doll.
A third scream came from down the hall.
Atropos the 3rd Fate decided that now was the time to cut the thread.
Michelangelo awakened from his dream.
Or was it a vision?
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday September 27th
2022.
Svetlana Kireeva, Vladimir Putin and The Mysterious Horn In Byzantium
Russian vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva awaits the launch of a nuclear missile which would be fired from a secret location in Moscow
Earlier in the day, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced on Russian national television that he would be mobilizing 300,000 reservists in an effort to save his would-be Neo-Imperialist Czarist ass in Ukraine.
To the right of Putin stood the ghost of the late U.S. President LBJ.
“Well scratch my ass and think about Israel,” LBJ laughed, “It looks like Ukraine is turning into Russia’s Vietnam.”
In the corner of the room sat the ghost of Jim Morrison weeping in a chair.
“Why,” Morrison sobbed, “of all the ghost stories in all the world did I first have to appear in one written by the world’s most boring author Phil Huston?”.
To the left of Morrison’s ghost was a holographic image of Alice Cooper who was committing hari kari with the pointy end of his mace for the same reason that Morrison’s ghost sat sobbing in a chair.
It was the first time that Russian reservists had been called up since the Second World War.
As Putin’s face was sprayed by a whole bunch of ghostly spectral holographic blood issuing forth from the intestines of the well hari-karied ghostly spectral holographic image of Alice Cooper who was busy singing his last ever hit Farewll To My Nightmare, Putin announced that he would be using nuclear weapons against the West.
To that end, Russian vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva received a text message from Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Miranda Singh asking if the two of them could meet in Stockholm Sweden in an effort to prevent global nuclear war.
. . .
Senile old fool Joe Biden was meeting with one of his advisors after the Irish Celtic demon Balor Biden’s speech to the UN General Assembly.
“Mr. President,” his advisor advised, “Regarding Putin’s threatened use of nuclear weapons, you have a secret personal weapon of your own to use in your dealings with Mr. Putin.”
“I do? And what secret personal weapon of my own would that be?” Biden asked as he broke wind and then let loose with a bowel movement.
The advisor was unable to answer Biden’s question as he immediately dropped dead from sulphurous exhaust fumes.
. . .
The Byzantine Emperor Justinian I was sitting on his throne in Constantinople in the year 537 AD when an envoy from Arthur King of the Britons appeared.
“Your Imperial Majesty, your noble ally Arthur King of the Britons is dead after having been slain by his evil son Mordred at the Battle of Camlann,” the envoy stated, “His repentant half-sister Morgan le Fay wants you to have this.”
“What is it?” Justinian asked.
“It’s the horn of Arthur’s personal Unicorn,” the envoy explained, “A Unicorn that was slain by Mordred the evil son of Arthur King of the Britons and Morgan le Fay.”
“Let me see,” the beautiful Byzantine Empress Theodora rose from her throne.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 21st
2022.
Saint Eustace, Mordred and The Unicorn
The Lady of the Lake with the Unicorn
Today September 20th is the Feast Day of St. Eustace.
St. Eustace was a pagan Roman general who converted to Christianity after seeing the sign of the Cross over the antlers of a deer he was hunting.
He was martyred in 118 AD under the Emperor Hadrian.
On St. Eustace’s Day in the year 537 AD, Mordred approached a river where the Lady of the Lake was present.
Behind her was a Unicorn.
Mordred raised his bow to shoot an arrow.
A Cross appeared over the Unicorn’s horn.
Mordred shot the Unicorn dead anyways.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 20th
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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