Pan Goatee Ends The Cruelest Month By Beheading Yet Another Fat Ugly Blimp
Krampus the demon ready to pick up the pieces after another Pan Goatee aesthetic crusade
Writer T. S. Eliot had once called April the cruelest month.
And it was for Pan Goatee.
Calgary seemed to have more fat ugly blimps waddling around this month than usual and that was saying a lot
The genetically created satyr serial killer had gone to a neighbourhood grocery store to buy bottles of lemonade.
When he was in the soda pop and drinks aisle his eyes were visually assaulted by a fat ugly blimp.
She was right next to the shelf where bottles of lemonade were sold.
Goatee reached for his astral laser machete and approached the repulsive uglo.
The fat ugly blimp said to her little brat son, “I’ll buy you two bottles of pop as long as you share them with your mother.”
“I think you’ve had enough of a sugar intake haven’t you, you fat ugly blimp?” Goatee beheaded the fatso uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion pieces x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad infinitum x 999 trillion etc. etc. pieces.
“No doubt you’ve got fat ugly blimp genes in your DNA,” Goatee stated as he beheaded the little brat and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
“You killed my daughter and grandson,” remarakd an older woman who had been with the pair.
“You shouldn’t be mating with Loki,” Goatee beheaded the shapeshifting walrus and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
“This looks like a job for Krampus,” the demon said as he arrived on the scene.
-A vampire novel chapter
written Saturday April 30th
2022.
Pan Goatee Beheads A Most Obnoxious and Repulsive Fat Ugly Blimp While Zeus Encounters Loki
Krampus was tonight’s demon of honour at a Klaus Schwab World Economic Forum Demonic Celebrity Roast
The ghost of Red Buttons was doing his stand-up routine, “Some of the most famous diabolical figures in history never got a dinner.
The serpent who said to Eve, “Would you like an apple?” never got a dinner.
Mephistopheles who said to Faust “Would you like a piece of tail?” never got a dinner.
Baphomet who still has trouble figuring out what gender and what species he is never got a dinner.”
Krampus who was eating some curried goats’ legs hoped he wouldn’t be called away to pick up the pieces after yet another Pan Goatee aesthetic crusade.
But the best laid hope of demons like the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.
As the ghost of Robbie Burns played the bag pipes outside the White House, the evil Norse god Loki was boasting to senile old fool Joe Biden about his latest repulsive and uglo progeny.
“Loki, I think I dropped my keys very low,” said Biden as his Executive Gold Plated washroom key fell into his Depends diapers.
Meanwhile on a Calgary Public Transit bus, a really obnoxious and repulsive fat ugly blimp was making everybody on the bus miserable.
She kept jumping out of her seat as if she had ants in her pants.
The really repulsive fat ugly blimp was trying to figure out what stop she should get off at because the stupid uglo hadn’t figured it out ahead of time.
She went and asked a woman a few seats up, “Where should I get off?”.
The woman told the fat ugly blimp to get off at the stop after her.
Pan Goatee was sitting at a seat minding his own business.
The fat ugly blimp should have got off at the door closest to her.
Instead being the thoroughly obnoxious and inconsiderate creature that she was, the fat ugly blimp (daughter of Loki and a fat ugly walrus who had died her hair red) went up to get off at the door right across from Pan Goatee.
“You fat ugly blimp,” Goatee said to her, “you fat ugly freak.”
The fat ugly blimp was taken aback as she had never met anyone who called a spade a spade before.
Goatee’s friend Jarod Jerome Le Gnome punched the fat ugly blimp in the face 999 trillion times.
When Le Gnome had finished using his boxing skills on the uglo, Goatee took out his astral laser machete and beheaded the obnoxious and repulsive fat ugly blimp.
He then cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad infinitum x etc. etc.
Krampus was called away from his dinner just as Klaus Schwab was delivering the toast.
He picked up the obnoxious and repulsive fat ugly blimp’s remains and carried them down to Tartarus.
Loki meanwhile had left the White House and had teleported (he had bought Scotty the Scottish engineer’s Star Trek teleporter machine at an auction a couple of weeks ago) to Calgary to see how his progeny were doing.
He was informed by his son the Midgard World Serpent Jormungandr (who was drinking Jagermeister) that Goatee had just killed another one of his (Loki’s) progeny.
Loki burst into tears.
Meanwhile Zeus the king of the Olympians (who was very horny towards beautiful women) was getting sick of Loki populating the earth with uglos.
He sent a thunderbolt at the evil Norse god killing him instantly.
It looks like Ragnarok would be postponed for awhile.
“Ragnarok, yes, but not Armageddon,” said the Hebrew Abaddon (in Greek Apollyon) the Destroyer who rose out of the bottomless pit.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written Thursday April 28th
2022.
A Time Such As This Where Long Gone Are The Days of Wine and Roses
A rose petal blew across the field
The sole survivor of a rose
crushed by a tank
Missiles lit up the blue sky
Over the scorched earth
Where last year fields of yellow wheat
Had waved at the blue sky in the noonday sun
When the guns are still
You can hear the cries of crows
As they fly around amidst such murder
War has come to Ukraine
And now blood drenches the Earth
Seeping into its pores
But it shall not end there
Vladimir Putin has several big war toys to play with
And today in a speech in Saint Petersburg
He says he’ll use them if threatened
It’s ironic that Lenin’s ideological heirs
Now occupy the EU Headquarters in Brussels
And the U.S. Administration in Washington DC
And now battle a former KGB agent
Turned self-proclaimed successor of
Peter the Great
A topsy turvy world
Where the Vicar of Christ in Rome
Denies Christ
And seeks to hide His Cross
A vaccine is given out
Where the vaccinated
Must be protected
From the unvaccinated
Topsy turvy world
And when the missiles fly
With those giant sons and daughters
Of Little Boy, Fat Man and Enola Gay
Topsy turvy will all be but complete
And billionaire Transhumanists
Will scramble to suddenly upload their consciousness
To AI
So they’ll become immortal
But death shall reign down
On gods and men alike.
-written Wednesday April 27th 2022.
The Vision of Apophis
Apophis the ancient Egyptian serpent god of chaos, darkness, evil and destruction
A tourist bus rolled through the desert
Towards the pyramids
An astronomer Paul Leblanc
Had fallen asleep aboard the bus
He dreamed he was heading towards the pyramids
When suddenly stars fell from the sky into the desert
And a fierce looking serpent
That the well educated Leblanc
Recognized as the serpent god Apophis
Seemed to embrace the entire desert
As the fires of Hell rose
From beneath the sands
Leblanc woke up
As the pyramids came into view
No sign of Apophis, falling stars or Hell fire rising
from desert sands
Leblanc looked to his left
At his fellow passenger
Who turned out to be
Thoth
The Egyptian god of time
With his ibis head
And all
Thoth picked up a very tall hour glass
Whose sands had run out
Thoth grinned and said,
“Time’s up”
The first of several falling stars
Appeared across the Egyptian desert
Night sky
Over the pyramids
-A horror poem
written
Tuesday April 26th
2022.
Pan Goatee Beheads Evil Norse God Loki
The evil Norse god Loki after having been beheaded and dismembered by the genetically created classical Greek mythological satyr Pan Goatee is brought back from the dead by Dr. Anthony Fauci and a voodoo witch doctor only to die at the hands of Heimdall at the Battle of Ragnarok
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was listening to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Monday night podcast.
Said Renfield, “Yesterday on Eastern Orthodox Sunday, Joe Biden’s cerebrally challenged Secretary of State Antony Blinken and his pronoun challenged Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin flew to Kyiv to meet with Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelenskiy. This meeting could prove disastrous for the Ukrainian people given the Biden Administration’s innate inability to win a war or win a peace or win anything else for that matter (except when it comes to massive cheating and fraud in a U.S. Presidential election)…”
When the podcast was over, Michelangelo drifted off to sleep where he had a dream (or was it a vision?) of genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee battling the evil Norse god Loki (progenitor of the pathetically and repulsively ugly white women of Calgary).
In the battle the mighty Goatee beheaded the evil Loki and cut him up into the exact number of pieces that matched the exact number of inches and centimeters combined across the entire Universe.
“Math is a wonderful thing,” Odin commented as he licked a popsicle.
Krampus arrived to carry the remains of the despicable Loki down to Tartarus.
Unfortunately for humanity, the evil Dr. Anthony Fauci and an evil voodoo witch doctor named Dr. Blinken Austin brought Loki back from the dead (using trillions and trillions of research dollars (that shocked the ghost of Carl Sagan) that Biden printed up to accomplish the feat pushing America further into debt and massive inflation) and once again the villainous wretch was once again walking the face of the Earth.
Meanwhile tonight over in the City of Calgary (the site of Loki’s demonic and diabolical mating experiments), Pan Goatee had gone for an evening walk when he encountered a fat ugly blimp approaching him on the sidewalk so the satyr beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Later the satyr walked into a Dollarama store to see if there were any items he needed.
While standing in one of the aisles Goatee looked to see if he could buy a jar of Instant Coffee.
There was no Instant Coffee.
Whereas a couple of weeks ago there were plenty of jars and now they were all gone.
A supply chain crisis that senile old fool Joe Biden would no doubt blame on Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine.
As he stood in the aisle, a fat ugly blimp customer gazed down the aisle at him.
Goatee put his astral laser machete into AUTO KILLER mode and threw it down the aisle at the fat ugly blimp.
It beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces before returning to Goatee.
Goatee selected some other items and went up to the cashier.
There was only one other customer in front of him although the bozo seemed to be having trouble figuring out how to tap his debit card on to the scanner.
As the bozo was failing on his 999 trillionth attempt to try to tap his debit card on to the scanner- another cashier- a fat ugly blimp- arrived on the scene and bellowed (in cow like fashion), “I can help whoever’s next.”
Goatee wasn’t going to be served by someone that fat and ugly so he put his astral laser machete into AUTO KILLER mode and threw it at the uglo.
The machete beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad infinitum x ROTFLMFAO ! x etc. etc. pieces.
Goatee was so angry that he went back and left his basket in one of the aisles and left the store without buying anything.
As the satyr exited, he noticed the bozo was still having trouble figuring out how to tap his debit card on to the scanner so Pan put his astral laser machete into AUTO KILLER mode and threw it at the bozo where it promptly beheaded the moron and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
The idiot would never ever have to worry about figuring out how to tap a debit card on to a scanner again.
Meanwhile over at the Vatican in Rome, Pope Francis decided not to meet Patriarch Kirill of Moscow after his Aleister Crowley blessed tarot card deck told him not to.
-Written Monday April 25th 2022.
Pan Goatee Celebrates Emmanuel Macron’s Victory By Beheading A Few More Uglos
When Pan Goatee slays an uglo, you know that
In France Emmanuel Marcon had been re-elected President for a second term.
At the White House when senile old fool Joe Biden was informed of Macron’s win, he commented, “I thought it was that Gen. Charles Gaul guy or whatever his name was (I wonder if he’s related to Asterix the Gaul) who was President. You know the guy who wrote those Letters of Transit that Peter Lorre was killed for in the movie Casablanca.”
When British MP Renfield R. Renfield was informed of Macron’s win, he sighed, “Alas, the French people are no longer a great nation.”
In Calgary, genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had not heard the unhappy news of Macron’s win.
Instead he was sitting in a McDonald’s restaurant enjoying a Big Mac (currently on special for $4.99) and a Diet Coke and reading the complimentary newspaper.
Suddenly his happy time was ruined when a fat ugly blimp sat across from him and began staring at him.
“What are you staring at me for? Do you think I have incredibly bad taste in women like most Calgary white males and would ask you out on a date? You’re grossly mistaken as well as just gross,” Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad infinitum x LOL etc. etc. pieces.
Goatee was so angry he up and left the McDonald’s and headed to the shopping mall across the parking lot.
When he entered the mall, there were two uglos sitting on a bench at the entrance.
“Who let all the two legged dogs out today?” Goatee beheaded the two uglos and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.
Apparently the Norse trickster god Loki (who like most Calgary white males had incredibly bad taste in the females he knocked up himself) was in the city and had let the two legged dogs out.
Krampus once again was picking up the pieces of remains of Goatee’s aestheticaly inspired killing spree and taking them down to Tartarus.
Later when Goatee was walking home, he came across an uglo and her low IQ motonic boyfriend sitting on a park bench so he beheaded and dismembered them both.
Loki, who was busy banging both a Hillary Clinton and a Nancy Pelosi lookalike in a warehouse across the street, commented, “You’ve got to admire Pan Goatee’s panache. He keeps on going even though uglos keep popping up the heads on a Hydra when it battled Hercules.”
Goatee was almost home when he encountered a fat ugly blimp and her low IQ moronic husband standing in front of a very awful looking motor vehicle.
“I can’t have neighbours like you in the neighbourhood,” so he beheaded them both.
Meanwhile in Paris France, the ghost of the Emperor Napoleon was crying in his cognac, “The French have re-elected an imbecile for a second term.”
He then started shouting out loud, “A horse. A horse. My empire for a horse.”
His white horse Le Vizir arrived and Napoleon rode off getting as far away from France as possible.
-Sunday April 24th 2022.
Pan Goatee Beheads More Uglos and Their Moronic Boyfriends On A Saturday Night
Pan Goatee fired up a coal powered electricity generator backstage at a rock concert to show his support for the recent UN approved and Pope Francis approved Earth Day celebrations
He was immediately set upon and verbally attacked by a transgendered Jesuit priest for not showing proper appreciation for Pope Francis’ encyclical Laudato si.
Goatee promptly beheaded the transgendered Jesuit and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
He asked the demon Krampus to deliver the remains to Jorge Mario Bergoglio at the Vatican.
When Gianfranco Cardinal Ravasi heard of the death of the Transgendered Jesuit, he sighed to Samhain Cardinal Salaman, “Alas poor Yorick! I knew him well, Samhain, he was a disciple of Aleister Crowley like me.”
Later when Goatee was walking back from a Dollarama store he encountered a fat ugly blimp and her moronic low IQ husband who were walking out of a grocery store.
“The terms “weight loss” and “wearing paper bag over one’s head” are obviously eight words that are not in your limited vocabulary,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
He did the same to her moronic low IQ husband as well.
Krampus delivered the remains down to Tartarus.
Later that same evening Pan Goatee went to a grocery store to buy bottles of lemonade.
As he was exiting the store a thin repulsive looking uglo tried to exit in front of him.
“You stupid ugly looking thing,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the repulsive looking uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trilliin x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trilliin x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad infinitum x etc. etc. pieces.
Her moronic low IQ boyfriend (who was wearing a t-shirt that read I THINK JOE BIDEN IS WONDERFUL AND I DON’T BELONG IN A REHAB CENTRE) started objecting to his uglo girlfriend’s beheading and extremely thinly sliced dismemberment
“Has anybody ever told you that you whine in the exact same way that Justin Trudeau does?” Goatee beheaded the Justin Trudeau wannabe and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
Krampus arrived wearing a Calgary Flames NHL hockey jersey and carried the remains down to Tartarus.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 23rd
2022.
The Panther Woman and The God of Surprises
Claudia Simon The Panther Woman
Carson Cody Albion, a private eye then based in New Orleans, was spending April of 1935 visiting New York City.
He was visiting an old college acquaintance of his who had now become an inspector in the New York Police Department.
“Inspector Hennessy,” his secretary brought into her boss’ office the private eye from New Orleans, “a Mr. Carson Cody Albion to see you.”
“Carson, my old friend,” the Inspector rushed to greet him.
They discussed old times and college days.
And how the philosopher Hegel (who they had both studied in the same philosophy course they took) was a major pain in the ass.
However Hegel’s influence on the world was profound in the decade of the 1930s.
Hegel, as interpreted through the lens of the left wing Hegelians particularly Marx, was influencing Bolshevism and Communism.
Hegel, as interpreted through the lens of the right wing Hegelians particularly Nietzsche, was influencing Nazism and Fascism.
Inspector Hennessy was then discusing cases he was working on.
One involved a wild animal walking the streets of New York City.
A black coloured panther with golden green eyes who ripped out the throats of its victims.
The other involved a serial killer dressed as a clown who slashed the throats of his victims.
Beside his victims, he left a fortune cookie that always had the same message, “Be prepared to be surprised by the god of surprises.”
Albion said he’d help Hennessy with the case.
As Albion walked back to his hotel, he passed a tarot card reading room.
A very beautiful young woman dressed in the beautiful coloured blouse and skirt of a gypsy woman stood outside.
“A reading, sir,” she smiled at him.
“Why not?” Said Albion.
He did not believe in tarot cards or crystal balls but he had time to kill.
Interestingly enough the reading sort of matched the case his friend Inspector Hennessy was working on.
When the reading was over, the lovely brunette gypsy woman smiled at him and said, “Remember, sir, it takes a thief to catch a thief.”
Curious statement, Albion thought.
Albion was walking by a Church – Saint Raphael’s- when he noticed the priest locking up.
“Good evening, Father,” Albion said.
“Good evening,” said the priest, “You’re Carson Cody Albion are you not?”.
“Why, yes,” Albion nodded, “You know me?”.
“I have a niece who lives in New Orleans,” the priest explained, “She’s sent me newspaper clippings about your exploits. She knows I have a weakness for detective stories- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes, G.K. Chesterton’s Father Brown and Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot.”
“Excellent writers and excellent detectives all of them,” Albion acknowledged.
“Working on a case here in New York?” The priest asked.
Albion mentioned the panther and also the clown serial killer who called himself the God of Surprises.
“This clown serial killer the God of Surprises is a sinister individual,” the priest crossed himself with the Sign of the Cross, “I believe he’s human but yet he’s possesed of a supernatural paranormal power that I believe is demonic in origin.”
“What makes you think that, Father?” Albion was curious.
“I have to go to a hospital to hear confessions but meet me here at the rectory at noon tomorrow,” the priest pointed, “It’s right next to the Church.”
Albion agreed.
At 2 AM Albion woke up.
Feeling restless he decided to go for a walk.
He walked past Saint Raphael’s Church and was surprised to see a moving van out in front.
A moving van in the middle of the night?
At a Church?
The movers were moving Crosses and Crucifixes and statues of Mary and the Saints from the Church into the van.
This is curious, Albion thought.
He looked at the name on the van PILTDOWN AND PEKING MOVERS.
Weird, Albion thought.
The following morning Albion again walked in the direction of the Church.
This time for his noon appointment with the priest rector of Saint Raphael’s at the Church rectory.
He was surprised to see CRIME SCENE yellow tape around the Church building.
Albion figured that possibly the middle of the night movers were in fact burglars and he Albion had neglected to stop them.
“What’s happened here, Hennessy?” Albion asked the inspector when he saw him.
“Well aside from the obvious theft of the Crosses and Crucifixes and statues of Mary and the Saints, the priest Father Lacroix was found dead at the altar with his throat slashed,” Hennessy stated, “along with a fortune cookie carrying the message, BE PREPARED TO BE SURPRISED BY THE GOD OF SURPRISES. Witnesses saw a clown carrying a bloodied knife flee the Church building.”
Hennessy and Albion went to talk to the rectory’s housekeeper to see if she knew if Father Lacroix had any enemies.
The housekeeper, an Irish woman in her mid-50s, sobbed that this clown serial killer the God of Surprises must be demonically possessed.
That’s why the Crosses and Crucifixes and statues of Mary and the Saints were taken out so that the demonic clown serial killer The God of Surprises could enter the Church and kill Father Lacroix.
Indeed it turned out there was no such moving company as PILTDOWN AND PEKING MOVERS.
Albion after helping Hennessy had gone to a local public pool for a swim.
While walking through the pool area he saw this woman.
Albion stopped to look at her.
“You recognize me, monsieur?” the woman spoke with a French accent.
As a matter of fact, he had seen a sketch of her.
In the notebook of one Barnabas Van Helsing a vampire hunter who wasn’t quite as famous as his elder brother Dr. Abraham Van Helsing.
Back in the early 1890s the City of New Orleans had been terrorized by a wild black panther with golden green eyes who killed New Orleans citizens by ripping out their throats.
Van Helsing had caught up with the panther who, the vampire hunter had claimed in his notebook, had shapeshifted into a beautiful woman.
The woman, Van Helsing claimed was an immortal, who turned into a panther on certain nights.
She was a 17th Century French noblewoman named Claudia Simon.
Van Helsing had sketched her picture.
Albion recognized the woman standing in front of him as being the same woman in Barnabas Van Helsing’s sketch.
He also recalled something else.
Something the gypsy woman had said to him yesterday.
It takes a thief to catch a thief.
A couple of hours later a very beautiful woman was walking through a dark neighbourhood.
The sounds of the stilettos on her high heeled shoes clicking the pavement.
The constant pulling up of her coat and adjusting of her skirt.
A clown started to follow her.
He carried a knife.
He walked very stealthily behind her and was about to strike… when the woman suddenly turned and spun around on her heels.
He was surprised.
“You appear to be surprised, oh, God of Surprises,” said the woman with a most exquisite French accent.
She turned into a panther and ripped out his throat.
The clown shouted out several last words before he died.
As Hennessy and Albion wrapped up the investigation, they discovered that the clown was a Jesuit priest named Father Edgar Noeticus who had studied under the French Jesuit priest paleontologist Father Pierre Teilhard de Chardin over in China.
No one was sure when Father Noeticus had left China and when he returned to the U.S.
However after he got his throat ripped out by the panther woman, he shouted out one final last cry, “Someday a Pope shall venerate me the God of Surprises.”
In his right hand as he died he clutched a fortune cookie with the message BE PREPARED TO BE SURPRISED BY THE GOD OF SURPRISES.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 22nd
2022.
Klondike Helen
Klondike Helen the belle of Dawson City during the days of the Klondike Gold Rush
She had been born Helen McGarrett (no relation to Steve McGarrett of Hawaii Five-0 fame) in Montreal, Canada in 1875.o
When news of the Klondike Gold Rush in Canada’s northern territory of Yukon spread far and wide throughout North America, Helen headed up to Dawson City (a town built at the confluence of the Klondike and Yukon Rivers) the site of the Gold Rush to seek fame and fortune.
The year was 1899 and a stranger from London England arrived to see Klondike Helen.
And there she was standing in front of the piano in Klondike Jack’s Saloon.
“You’re Miss Helen McGarrett?” The stranger asked.
“I am,” Helen nodded, “Who are you?”.
“I’m Sherlock Holmes,” the pipe smoking man in the deerstalker cap answered.
“The famous London detective?” Helen was astonished, “How did you get here? What are you doing here?”.
“What I am doing here is I’ve been hired by the McGrew family of Liverpool to investigate the death of a family member who died here in Dawson City. A fellow by the name of Dan McGrew. His nickname was Dangerous Dan McGrew. When the family received word of his death, they said he was shot in an argument with some gold miner over a woman known as Lou. I’m here to investigate the truth of his death. As for how I got here… well I happen to know a fellow named Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin a retired German army officer. He’s just invented an airship and didn’t want any Germans to die in the testing of it. So along with an English balloonist and myself, we travelled in this airship across the Atlantic and across the Arctic and then across Canada’s northern terrain until we arrived here. We’ve arrived safely. How we’ll make out in the return journey home is yet to be seen.”
“And you think I know something about the death of Dan McGrew?” Helen inquired.
“I was told you’re a friend of the woman known as Lou,” Holmes explained, “By the way, where is Lou? No one seems to know where she is.”
“She’s dead,” Helen answered, “Staked through the heart.”
“Staked through the heart?” Holmes was surprised.
“She was a vampiress,” said Helen, “And Lou turned Dan McGrew into a vampire as he lay dying from the gunshot wounds inflicted by the jealous miner husband’s gun. So McGrew died twice. First being shot by the jealous miner. And then being staked through the heart after he became a vampire.”
“Good God,” said Holmes.
“Good void,” said a miner who was trying to write a science-fiction poem about the Klondike.
“Who staked them through the heart?” Holmes re-lit his pipe.
“The same man,” Helen replied, “Barnabas Van Helsing. The younger brother of the famous Dr. Abraham Van Helsing.”
“Well,” Holmes blew smoke rings, “I suppose I better tell the McGrew family the original story about the shooting involving the jealous gold miner and the wife of the jealous gold miner- the woman known as Lou. Talk of vampires and vampiresses might send me to the looney bin.”
Holmes left the saloon and walked out into the night to his waiting Zeppelin airship for the cold journey home.
Another man approached Klondike Helen.
“You’re Klondike Helen I presume?” The man asked.
“Who wants to know?” Helen looked into his eyes.
“The name’s Van Helsing,” the man tipped his fedora hat, “Dracul Van Helsing. I was looking at my great-great-uncle Barnabas Van Helsing’s photo collection the other day and your picture in black and white was there. So I travelled back in time using this Houdini-Pantages-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr magic lantern so that I can take a colour photo of you.”
“Pantages did you say?” Klondike Helen blinked, “There’s a waiter in town here called Alexander Pantages.”
“He was one of those who helped develop this time travelling magic lantern,” Van Helsing explained, “along with the magician Harry Houdini and the great Serb-American inventor Nikola Tesla. Years later a brilliant young director and actor named Orson Welles also worked on it. The finishing touches were finally completed by a brilliant actress and inventor named Hedy Lamarr who finally made it fully operational.”
Dracul Van Helsing then took a colour photo of Klondike Helen.
“Anything else?” Klondike Helen asked.
“I’d like to make out with you,” said Van Helsing.
They went up to Klondike Helen’s room and got down on the bed.
As they made out, they were unbeknownst to the fact that the ghost of Orson Welles was also in the room sitting in a chair and eating some take-out food that he had brought with him from Lydo Chinese Food and Delivery in London in the year 2022.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 21st
2022.
Carson Cody Albion and The Deadliest of Spies
Carson Cody Albion Private Eye had been asked to trail and follow a female Russian spy- an assignment he was very much enjoying
It was the spring of 1957.
And Carson Cody Albion Private Eye was walking the sidewalks of Los Angeles.
He had been hired to tail a female Russian spy.
It was a tail he was very much enjoying.
Suddenly Albion was accosted by a store detective who had noticed that the private eye was following the woman.
“What are you?” The store detective got up close into Albion’s face, “Some sort of pervert?”.
“No, I’m not a Hollywood producer,” Albion decked the man with his fists and knocked him out cold.
He had lost track of the woman.
A gentle breeze at that moment carried with it a whiff of the woman’s sensuous perfume.
Albion was back on track.
The woman entered an apartment building.
Albion recognized the building.
Janos Korda a Hungarian physicist who had fled his homeland after the failed 1956 uprising against Communist rule the year before lived there.
Korda had found a job working at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena.
One of the founders of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory was rocket engineer Jack Parsons.
Jack Parsons had been back in the 1940s a disciple of English occultist Aleister Crowley.
In early 1946 Parsons and science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard who was also a disciple of Crowley (Hubbard would later go on to found the Church of Scientology) worked on a series of magic rituals that they called the Babalon Working.
The rituals invoked the spirit of the Whore of Babylon.
Also called Babalon.
Crowley and the two men claimed they succeeded.
Parsons was killed in a home laboratory explosion in 1952.
Although police felt that the 37-year-old Parsons’ death was an accident, other associates suspected it was suicide or murder.
When Korda had arrived to work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, the fluent English language speaker Korda had been given a notebook of Parsons to read and analyze.
The notes consisted of Thelemite meditation techniques (Thelema had been the name of the religion founded by Aleister Crowley).
While meditating Korda came in contact with an entity calling itself Aiwass (the same entity that Crowley claimed to have once contacted and later sketched. The entity resembles an ET alien gray).
Aiwass gave Korda the plans for a new type of rocket.
Korda was so impressed with Aiwass’ plans that he wrote rocket engineer Wernher von Braun about it.
Unfortuntately Janos Korda’s letter to von Braun was intercepted by a Communist in the U.S. Post Office (Unfortunately Wisconsin Sen. Joe McCarthy had neglected to look for Communists in the U.S. Post Office).
The letter found its way to Soviet KGB headquarters in Moscow.
And thus the beautiful and lovely Alexandra Murthanoccasio Popovitch was dispatched to Los Angeles to seduce Janos Korda.
She got into his apartment.
She got into his arms.
And she got into his notebook (in which he had detailed Aiwass’ plans for rocketry and missiles).
Once the notebook was in her left hand, she shot him dead with her right hand.
Carson Cody Albion, who had stopped to buy himself a Coke from the apartment building’s Coke machine, thought that perhaps he shouldn’t have stopped to buy himself a Coke as soon as he heard the gun shots.
He tried to finish his bottle of Coke as quickly as he could and then ran upstairs.
When he entered the apartment, Janos Korda was lying dead on the floor and Korda’s pet budgie was saying, “The horror. The horror.”
“Excuse me,” Albion asked the budgie, “But are you saying “The horror. The horror.” ? Or “The whore. The whore.”? Because there is a difference you know.”
Meanwhile the lovely and beautiful Alexandra Murthanoccasio Popovitch was already fleeing down the fire escape.
A group of Grade 7 boys from a nearby private boys’ school were already looking straight up the fire escape at the tight skirted dress lovely female spy’s descent.
Their Art Appreciation teacher (who was a woman) who had been escorting them on a walk to a nearby art gallery suddenly broke into a lecture on the dangers of blindness (or even jail!) if one engaged in a certain physical activity (particularly in public).
As for the notebook, it returned safely to Moscow along with the lovely and beautiful Alexandra Murthanoccasio Popovitch.
Aiwass’ plans for the rocket were successful.
The USSR launched the Sputnik 1 satellite a few months later.
As for Aiwass’ missile, that took a little longer to develop.
Until Wednesday April 20th 2022.
When Russian President Vladimir Putin announced the launch of a new intercontinental ballistic missile.
As he warned the West not to keep threatening Russia’s security in the Ukraine War.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 20th
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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