The Wolf Adolf, Ahriman’s Korean Envoy and King Solomon’s Ring
The wolf formerly known as Adolf (his spirit was allowed to inhabit the body of a grey wolf after Thor, at Odin’s request, asked permission from Hades and Persephone to allow Hitler’s spirit to leave the Underworld and to return to Earth for a brief period) was reflecting that today was April 30th- the day back in 1945 when he married Eva Braun and then shot himself.
After watching a BBC TV News Documentary on the state of marriage in the contemporary western world, the wolf formerly known as Adolf wondered whether it wouldn’t be a good idea for most modern husbands to follow in his footsteps.
Over in Pyongyang, North Korea, dictator Kim Jong-un was once again visited by the mysterious beautiful Korean woman in the white gown who had visited him twice before- once in a dream and then again in reality (In reality, she had kicked him in the ass).
“Who are you?” Kim Jong-un asked the mysterious Woman In White.
“I am the messenger of Ahriman,” the woman replied.
“Who’s Ahriman?” Kim asked.
“The Prince of Persia,” the woman answered.
“Persia?” Kim scratched his head, “Oh, Iran! My ally! Along with Venezuela! But I thought my friends the mullahs in Iran had deposed the Shah and kicked out his family. How can Persia then still have a prince?”.
The Woman In White commanded Kim Jong-un to bend over and turn around whereupon she kicked him in the ass again.
In Jerusalem, the Mossad agent called the Controller of the Golem was reading the passage in the Book of Daniel about how the archangel Gabriel wrestled with the (demonic angelic) Prince of Persia for 21 days and was only able to overcome him through the assistance of the Archangel Michael and then deliver his message to Daniel.
The Controller of the Golem closed the book.
And looked over at his desk.
On his desk was a package.
Inside the package was an important artifact of ancient Hebrew history.
King Solomon’s ring.
The signet ring with the Seal of Solomon on it that gave King Solomon the power to command demons to build the Temple in Jerusalem.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday April 30th
2017.
Renfield In Egypt and Then Germany
After the papal speech at al-Azhar University in Cairo, Pope Francis and the Egyptian vampire Osiris met behind closed doors with Islamic leaders from across the Muslim world.
A phone call from the conference room was put in to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the Chief Rabbis of Israel.
Renfield R. Renfield who had bugged the room made notes.
“That’s very interesting,” Renfield thought to himself.
He left the notes on the table in his Cairo hotel room and put in a call to his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set letting him know the developments.
“What,” Set seethed, “that bastard Osiris! Why does everyone want to make deals with him and not me?”.
“The world has bad taste, boss,” Renfield replied as he flicked through the Cairo hotel TV guide and noticed the reality TV shows Survivor and also Big Brother Canada were available on the hotel’s TV programming.
“What the world needs is a statue of Set in the proposed ecumenical Interfaith Temple in Jerusalem,” Set started pulling his hair out with his razor sharp fingernails in a dramatic barber like scene that hadn’t been seen since the days Johnny Depp played Edward Scissorhands.
Meanwhile over in North Korea, Kim Jong-un was busy sobbing on to his teddy bear (that had the face of Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Hannibal Lecter on it), “That woman in my dream told me that if I painted an image of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull on my ballistic missiles, they’d launch successfully.”
The beautiful Korean woman in the white gown (from his dream) appeared behind him in reality and kicked him in the ass and told him, “I also told you to write the Latin words IN HOC SIGNO VINCES above the image, you idiot.”
Renfield decided to stop off in Germany on his way home from Cairo.
He had received a message from his new found ally the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
There was important business that Renfield had to attend to in Bavaria.
In a quiet Bavarian village, Herr Dummkopf Drecksack was a driving test administrator.
He was the motherfucking asshole of all driving test administrators.
He had just given a hard time to a personal friend of Dracul Van Helsing and Renfield R. Renfield.
Flunking her for making one mistake.
Renfield followed the pink velvet pants wearing Herr Dummkopf Drecksack as he walked down the street.
He followed him to a post office where the man picked up a dozen packages of viagra and a dozen packages of cialis.
He then put them in his brown coloured VW bug and drove home.
Inside his house, he lit a candle in front of the giant photo of Adolf Hitler above his black altar.
“Like Adolf, do you?” Renfield said behind him.
“What the?-” Herr Dummkopf Drecksack turned around.
That evening, Berlin’s national TV news channel reported, “The driving test administrator was found hanging from his rusty brown VW bug in the middle of the town square with his pants and underpants pulled down and a dozen packages of viagra hanging from his right arm and a dozen packages of cialis hanging from his left arm…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 29th
2017.
H.M.S. Pirate Don Durk of Dowdee and The U.S.S. Carl Vinson
When United States President Donald Trump ordered the U.S.S. Carl Vinson to the waters off the Korean Peninsula, the U.S.S. Carl Vinson started sailing in the opposite direction- towards Australia.
It became apparent that either Donald Trump or the U.S.S. Carl Vinson did not know where they were going.
As such, the Royal Australian Navy ship the H.M.S. Pirate Don Durk of Dowdee was asked to escort the Vinson to Korea.
The Dowdee was under the command of Captain Haul Pogan and First Officer Lt. Gil Mebson.
On the night of Friday April 28th 2017, Captain Haul Pogan decided to go crab fishing.
He went down in his row boat and rowed away to some noted crab fishing grounds.
A bullhorn from the Vinson called out to Lt. Gil Mebson on the Dowdee, “Where the Hell is he going?”.
Lt. Mebson replied on a bullhorn of his own, “Don’t wait up for the shrimp boats, U.S.S. Carl Vinson. Captain Pogan is coming home with the crabs.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 28th
2017.
Kim Jong-un’s Strange Dream
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un had had a busy day.
He spent part of it overseeing the executions of people he deemed his “enemies”.
That took more than half his day. Finally he had to leave the execution site and attend to his other chores.
The other part of the day he spent inspecting the milking of cows while he smiled benignly with dairy workers in photos taken and released to the international press to show the world what a nice happy go-lucky guy he was.
Kim did wonder though why it took North Korean Red Army soldiers pointing their guns at them to force the North Korean dairy workers to smile.
Of course those soldiers with pointed guns weren’t shown in the photos released to the international press.
Kim then went home to bed where he had another beautiful North Korean Red Army female soldier waiting for him to attend to his special needs.
Once again trying to raise a certain part of his anatomy went about as successfully as most of his missile launches.
What a pity.
He would have to have his beautiful female companion for this night executed.
He couldn’t risk stories about his poor bedroom performance leaking out.
Kim Jong-un then watched a video of his half-brother Kim Jong-nam keeling over in Kuala Lumpur International Airport and dying.
Laughing, he turned off the TV and then the lights and went to sleep.
He dreamed he was walking by the ruins of an ancient temple that locals called the “Red Basilica”.
A voice from the Red Basilica hearkened unto him.
“Enter,” said the voice.
He entered the temple and there above the ruined altar, he saw a vision magically appear above it.
The vision showed a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull.
Above the vision of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull were these words, IN HOC SIGNO VINCES.
As Kim’s knowledge of Latin was non-existent, a voice after several moments spoke these words, “In this sign, conquer.”
Since Kim’s English wasn’t so great either, the voice then spoke the same words in Korean.
Kim stood there with a stupid looking expression on his face.
Finally a beautiful Korean woman in a white gown appeared over the altar and said, “It means, you idiot, you take this vision you saw of the scorpion attacking the white bull and you paint it on your missiles and they will rise and perform and do what it is that they’re supposed to do.”
“Oh,” Kim answered.
He then woke up.
He then phoned his missile launch center and told them to paint a picture of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull and then place a painting of the image on each one of his missiles.
He hung up the phone.
He then wondered if he should get a Pyongyang tattoo artist to put a tattoo of the image (a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull) on a certain part of his anatomy and he might get a better performance out of it.
No, Kim shook his head.
He had a vision of a Korean George Costanza (the name of a character from the American TV show Seinfeld) saying to him, “That’s gotta hurt.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 27th
2017.
Egyptian Family Feud- 2017 Style
Renfield R. Renfield the chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises was attending a staff meeting on the Set Estate (the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire’s colossal West London mansion) with the Vampire Set himself, Set’s personal concert pianist Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan the personal butler and valet to the aforementioned vampire.
Renfield called the meeting to order.
“So,” Renfield belched after pounding the gavel, “Amadeus, I understand you were in charge of analyzing Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster’s revelations while I was away plotting the overthrow of the Nicolas Maduro government in Venezuela.”
“That’s correct,” Amadeus Emanon bit into a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Did Michelangelo reveal anything earth shattering?” Renfield asked as he drank from a bottle of Raven Conspiracy Deep Dark Red Wine.
“Well,” Amadeus munched on a Greek salad made with Goddess Athena Brand Feta Cheese, “apparently Pope Francis likes milk and cookies while the late former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill liked brandy.” (https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/michelangelo-foresees-pope-francis-at-regensburg/ )
“So, tell me something I don’t know,” Renfield pushed away a copy of an organic chemistry textbook in front of him.
“Mr. Renfield, sir,” Athelstan coughed, “I believe Mr. Emanon also listened in to the wiretaps you have on Master Set’s brother Osiris’ phone in Rome.”
“Really?” Renfield noticed that 5 dominatrixes were now following him on his Twitter account, “And did you discover anything earth shattering there, Amadeus?”.
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set stopped licking his toe nails with his long serpent like forked tongue and listened to what Amadeus had to say.
“Well apparently Pope Francis has invited Osiris to accompany him when he visits Egypt this coming April 28th to 29th,” Amadeus ate a chocolate covered pyramid made out of peanuts.
“What?” Set spit an extra large toe nail out of his mouth in anger, “My brother Osiris was invited to Egypt to attend the inter-faith peace conference at Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with Pope Francis and I wasn’t.”
“That is correct,” Amadeus unwrapped a green coloured chocolate statue of Osiris and started eating it.
“Renfield,” Set seethed, “I want you to go to Egypt and spy on Osiris and Pope Francis and see what they’re up to.”
“But, boss,” Renfield applied moisturizing cream to his moustache, “this week I start campaigning in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds as the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bioconservative Party Candidate.”
“Well, if you fail to go to Egypt to spy on Pope Francis and Osiris on my behalf,” Set started eating from the pot of crocodile stew in front of him, “you can kiss your 500 million British pounds sterling a year salary good-bye since you’ll be out of a job with me plus you can move out of my mansion as you’re no longer an employee here.”
Within seconds, Renfield was on the phone booking a flight from London to Cairo.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
The Feast Day of Saint Mark
(1st Bishop of Alexandria in Egypt)
April 25th 2017.
French Presidential Election: A Defeat For The Kraken
The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI was in a total state of shock.
In his mortal human life the Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus.
Dying of a fatal disease, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus (part robot and part octopus) with metallic hooked tentacled arms.
He had later met and fell in love with the ex-gorgon Medusa (Medusa had been cured of her Gorgoness and her snaky hairstyle (that turned people to stone) by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
Back on December 2nd 2015 on a whim, Napoleon VI had himself and Medusa crowned Emperor and Empress of France respectively at Notre Dame Cathedral. The coronation had received the papal blessing of Pope Francis. (Please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/12/02/the-crunch-kraken-of-notre-dame/ )
But despite that, the Imperial coronation had not been recognized by the French government, the French National Assembly, the French judiciary or even the French people.
To rectify that situation, this year the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to run for President of France.
Once elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum to have himself proclaimed Emperor of the French.
Back in January, he had even started his own political party for this purpose the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.
He had received the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party nomination for President unanimously (since he and Medusa were the only members of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party).
But to paraphrase Robbie Burns, “the best laid plans of mice and Kraken, they often go astray”.
Because in yesterday’s first round Presidential election in France, he had come in in 12th and last place.
Napoleon VI blamed the media for his defeat.
They only talked about the 11 candidates running for President during the election.
Forgetting that there was a 12th candidate- himself the Kraken Napoleon VI- the Aquarian Age Bonapartist candidate.
Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron and far-rightist candidate Marine Le Pen would both advance to the next and final round of the French Presidential election.
Now in each of the Kraken’s eight tentacled arms, he held a bottle of Napoleon Brandy.
He finished off each bottle.
Medusa who was trying on new dresses that she had bought herself today (to console her grief) looked over at her husband.
He was going to one Hell of a hangover, she thought to herself.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 24th
2017.
Saint George’s Day 2017
South African cultural attache Lepardia Marango and British Conservative MP Agathor Christie had gone to morning services at Saint George’s Anglican Church in Hanover Square in the city of Westminster, central London to celebrate Saint George’s Day since Saint George is the patron Saint of England.
Afterwards they went to have brunch together in a nearby pub.
Sitting across from them was Renfield R. Renfield in disguise.
Renfield was wearing dark sunglasses, a Scottish kilt with sporran, a t-shirt that said I AM WILLIAM WALLACE and was carrying bagpipes at his side.
“So, Agathor,” Lepardia adjusted her dark navy blue skirt, “you’re the great nephew of British mystery novelist Agatha Christie?”.
“Yes, but only by marriage,” Agathor Christie confessed, “not by blood unfortunately. I’m the great nephew of her cad first husband Archibald Christie whom she divorced in 1928 after he had an extramarital affair with one Nancy Neele (whom he married after his divorcing Agatha).”
“What about your name Agathor?” Lepardia asked, “Were you named after your great aunt by marriage Agatha Christie and given the masculine name Agathor?”.
“Um… actually no I wasn’t,” Agathor sipped his orange juice.
“Were you named after the character in Tolkien then?” Lepardia poured herself some tea.
“No, not him either,” Agathor blushed.
“Then who were you named after?” Lepardia looked at him quizzically.
“Well,” Agathor felt himself turning as red as the fried tomatoes on his plate, “My full Christian name… if you can call it a Christian name… is Agamemnon Thor… I’m Agamemnon Thor Christie. I was named Agamemnon because my father was a Greek mythology buff. And I was given the middle name Thor because my mother is a Norse mythology buff. In school because the kids made fun of the name Agamemnon, I shortened my name to Agathor for short (a shortened form of Agamemnon Thor) because Tolkien is always cool for every generation of kids.”
“I see,” Lepardia smiled and laughed, “And do you have any conditions for marriage?”.
“Well,” Agathor’s face was now turning as red as a Communist who had fallen into a giant bottle of ketchup, “I don’t intend to marry any woman called Clytemnestra.”
“Well, my name isn”t Clytemnestra,” Lepardia Marango who had a good classical education laughed heartedly.
Renfield R. Renfield (who did not have much of a classical education) did not.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday April 23rd
2017.
Lepardia Marango: The She-Wolf of London
Lepardia Marango the South African cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London worked part-time as a fashion model in London.
The reason being that she didn’t earn very much money working as a cultural attache for the South African government.
The photographer played music in the background as he shot her picture.
The music was from the radio set to a contemporary popular hits music station in London.
The announcer intoned, “And now for something completely different… a never before heard recording sent to me by a friend and fellow DJ in Kiev… Josef Stalin and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the Soviet National Anthem… apparently this was Radio Moscow’s greatest hit for December 26th, 1943…”
The photographer who did have a permit for carrying a gun in London used it on the radio.
“I’m sorry for doing that,” the photographer apologized, “but one bit of singing was so bad… no doubt the voice of the late unlamented dictator Josef Stalin, I didn’t really feel like walking over to the radio to turn it off. My ear drums couldn’t have handled the extra seconds to walk over there.”
“That’s all right,” Lepardia smiled, “if you hadn’t done anything, I’d have shapeshifted into a leopard and gone over there and clawed the radio and the voice to smithereens.”
The photographer laughed at Lepardia Marango’s remark totally unaware that she was being serious.
When the shoot was over, Lepardia decided not to change out of the dress she was wearing as she found it quite hip and fashionable for London Spring 2017.
She stepped out on to the sidewalk where she bumped into a man very formally dressed who was wearing a very dark suit, dark tie, white shirt and dark pants.
“Oh, I’m sorry, excuse me,” Lepardia apologized.
“It’s quite all right,” the man bowed, “it’s my fault. I really should be spanked on the bare bottom for not looking where I’m going.”
“Well, I wouldn’t go as far as that…” Lepardia laughed.
“I would,” the man smiled.
“You look familiar,” Lepardia laughed, “are you on television?”.
“I’m Agathor Christie the British Conservative MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds,” the man bowed again.
“A Member of Parliament?” Lepardia frowned, “I once dated a Member of Parliament a few years ago. Worst relationship I had in my life. And he always drank my cartons of buttermilk in my refrigerator and left them empty.”
“What party did he belong to?” Agathor Christie asked.
“Labour,” Lepardia replied.
“Oh, that explains it,” Christie laughed, “For passion, you must date a member of Sir Winston Churchill’s party not Clement Atlee’s. Churchill knew what he was talking about when he said Clement Atlee had a lot to be modest about. After all, they did go to the same public sauna and steam baths in London. And besides, you have my assurance, I wouldn’t drink your buttermilk. I loathe buttermilk.”
“Well, that’s nice to hear,” Lepardia laughed again.
“Say, may I buy you a drink?” Agathor asked. “Possibly one a little stronger than buttermilk.”
“All right,” Lepardia accepted the arm he offered her.
As they walked down the street, they were observed by one Renfield R. Renfield.
“I must find out if Agathor Christie is married,” Renfield R. Renfield, who was going to run as the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party candidate against Agathor Christie in his Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds riding in the upcoming British general election, said aloud, “and if he is, I’ll publish these photos.”
Renfield took several photos of the couple with his smart phone.
“How do you know that’s not his wife?” Amadeus asked as he ate a tiger-striped orange licorice ice cream cone.
“Oh shoot, I hadn’t thought of that,” Renfield looked taken aback.
“Welcome to the year 2017,” Amadeus Emanon said roughly at the same moment that U.S. Attorney-General Jeff Sessions was discovering that Hawaii was now a U.S. state.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 21st
2017.
The Cat Who Ate Wolves For Breakfast (Plus Lunch and Supper)
The Russian Spetsnaz special forces who had parachuted into Kiev last Thursday under the command of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith were werewolves.
They were a special type of werewolf.
Each soldier was a bodark werewolf.
A bodark is a person who wants to become a werewolf in Russia (as opposed to a a wawkalak who was just turned into a werewolf through the evil actions of the Devil).
To become a bodark, a person would run into a forest and stab a copper knife into a tree (while such an action might be pleasing to manufacturers of copper knives as well as those with huge investments in the copper industry, the undertaking doesn’t go over so well with Greenpeace and tree huggers everywhere).
While still holding on to the knife in the innocently stabbed tree, the would-be bodark is required to repeat this chant:
“On the sea, on the ocean, on the island, on Bujan,
On the empty pasture gleams the moon, on an ashstock lying
In a green wood, in a gloomy vale.
Toward the stock wandereth a shaggy wolf.
Horned cattle seeking for his sharp white fangs;
But the wolf enters not the forest,
But the wolf dives not into the shadowy vale,
Moon, moon, gold-horned moon,
Cheek the flight of bullets, blunt the hunters’ knives,
Break the shepherds’ cudgels,
Cast wild fear upon all cattle,
On men, on all creeping things,
That they may not catch the grey wolf,
That they may not rend his warm skin
My word is binding, more binding than sleep,
More binding than the promise of a hero!”
Once the tree has been stabbed and the incantation chanted (with Taylor Swift singing “Boys only want love if it’s torture” in the background), the person runs off into a forest and changes into a werewolf as he does so.
Once these Russian Spetsnaz special forces soldiers had become full-fledged grey wolf bodark werewolves, Vladimir Putin put these men under the command of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith in a secret treaty he signed with her shortly after his 2014 annexation of Crimea.
Lilith’s Bodark Grey Wolf Squadron did not turn into werewolves during a full moon.
Instead they turned into werewolves after listening to an old Gramophone recording of Josef Stalin singing the Soviet National Anthem in concert with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (under a never revealed protocol of the Tehran Conference that was held from November 28th to December 1st 1943, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir were secretly flown to Moscow on December 26th 1943 (thereby missing out on Utah Boxing Day sales) to make the recording in musical choral accompaniment with Josef Stalin.
As Lilith played the recording turning the Russian Spetsnaz special forces commandos into grey wolf bodark werewolves, another grey wolf was walking the streets of Kiev.
The grey wolf was none other than the ancient Germanic god Wotan’s mortal son Adolf Hitler.
He had been granted permission to leave the Underworld by Hades and Persephone after Thor paid a visit on Odin/Wotan’s behalf requesting that they do so.
The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf stopped in its tracks when it heard the voice of Josef Stalin singing the Soviet National Anthem.
The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf visualized the Hungarian actor Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula saying, “Listen to him, the constipated dictator of the night. What a racket he makes.”
When the Gramophone finished playing and the commandos became grey wolf bodark werewolves, they were immediately attacked and eaten by a giant black cat.
The name of the giant black cat was Amorous Laetitia (whose name had inspired the title of a recent papal document although the first name was spelled differently in the Apostolic Exhortation).
Amorous Laetitia was the name of the personal pet cat and familiar of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.
Hecate had recently been beheaded by Pan Goatee’s astrally projected laser machete while she was in her crone form.
The head had been taken to a New York City cryogenics lab but the lab had been broken into by Loki and Fenrir and Fenrir had eaten the head.
Since then, Amorous Laetitia had torn apart every wolf she had come across in hopes she’d find her mistress’ head.
When she didn’t find it, she just ate the rest of the disemboweled wolf,
After seeing the black cat Amorous Laetitia eat the Spetsnaz bodarks, the grey wolf formerly known as Adolf ran down an alley and entered a building for safety.
The building turned out to be Brodsky Synagogue which was Kiev’s largest.
The grey wolf formerly known as Adolf could not help but think that the gods of the universe were playing some sort of cosmic joke on him.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 20th
2017.
Michelangelo Foresees Pope Francis At Regensburg
Dr. Cadbury Rocher and Amadeus Emanon were in the Set Enterprises laboratory with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.
They had received a phone call from Renfield R. Renfield who had cut short his plans to overthrow the government of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in Caracas and was returning to Britain to run as a British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party Candidate (the party he had founded and was then deposed as leader by the Welsh Vampiress Morgana after the last British general election).
British Prime Minister Theresa May’s surprise election call for an early election yesterday from the steps of 10 Downing Street had prompted Renfield’s decision to return home.
Since he had only received 1 vote in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where he and his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set lived in a colossal London mansion) in the last British general election, Renfield R. Renfield had decided this time to run as a Transhumanist candidate against incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie in his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.
Renfield made the decision after he had found a picture of MP Agathor Christie on the Net yesterday showing him in a grocery store accompanying Renfield’s own personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/17/much-ado-about-the-orient-express/ )
Renfield was so angry when he saw the photo, he resolved then and there to run against Agathor Christie and beat the pants off of him (although dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was already doing an excellent job of that herself).
Meanwhile Dr. Rocher and Amadeus were overlooking the list of revelations that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been receiving the past few hours.
The revelations were being correlated and indexed and catalogued by a computer that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had invented specifically for this purpose – of anaylzing Michelangelo’s thought processes and psychic flashes and insights and foresights.
Dr. Rocher had given the computer the name The Artist Known As Raphael Who Existed Before The Pre-Raphaelites.
Although he called the computer Raph for short.
Dr. Rocher noticed that Michelangelo had picked up a TV News Broadcast from the future about Pope Francis giving an address at Regensburg University.
“That’s interesting,” Dr. Rocher paused at that revelation, “it was an address that Pope Benedict XVI gave at Regensburg back in 2006 that landed that Pope in trouble. In it, he quoted what a medieval Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus had once said about Islam (which wasn’t very complimentary) and this led to rioting and anti-Pope Benedict protests across the Islamic world.”
“I wonder who’ll Pope Francis will quote at the start of his speech,” Amadeus ate a cookie.
“Let’s click on Pope Francis’ Address To Regensburg: A News Broadcast From The Future and find out,” said Dr. Rocher who did just that.
The TV broadcast transmission from the future showed Pope Francis standing at the podium in a Regensburg University auditorium.
The Pope began,
“My predecessor began his address here by quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor. I’m not going to do that…”
Laughter in the hall.
He continued,
“Instead, I’m going to….”
The Pope paused.
He looked down the far end of the table where he had been sitting earlier and noticed some milk and cookies at the end there that he had not been offered,
“I’m going to quote the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street…Me want cookie! Me want cookie!”.
Laughter in the hall.
“No,” Francis got angry, “I really want a cookie. I wasn’t offered milk and cookies when I sat here As Winston Churchill said when he was about to give a speech in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at the height of Prohibition in that province and therefore wasn’t offered a brandy before speaking, “No brandy, no speech.” So verily, verily I say unto you, “No milk and cookies. No speech.”
There was a wild scramble to get Pope Francis milk and cookies.
Announcer: So just as Pope Benedict’s quoting a medieval Byzantine Emperor at Regensburg led to riots and protests across the Islamic world, so Pope Francis at Regensburg quoting Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster asking for milk and cookies has led to riots and protests across Greece. Apparently there was also feta cheese down at the end of the table from where Pope Francis was sitting and the Pontiff never asked for feta cheese. Just milk and cookies. This has led to anti-Francis protests throughout Greece…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 19th
2017.
Dracul Van Helsing 