Renfield R. Renfield Shows A Movie Trailer On His Podcast
British MP Renfield R. Renfield would be showing a movie trailer for a global blockbuster new movie on his Monday night podcast.
Fans of the Renfieldian podcast wondered what new movie he’d be showing a trailer for.
So they tuned in to find out.
Said Renfield, “This is a trailer I’ve written, directed and produced myself.
My friend the ghost of Orson Welles is doing the voice-over narration for the trailer.”
Renfield then showed the trailer.
Narrator and movie trailer announcer: For all those of you who were frightened to death by CORONAVIRUS (released in the autumn of 2019) and were so frightened you spent time locked inside your houses isolated and alone and quarantined from the rest of the world driving small businesses, family owned grocery stores and neighbourhood locally owned restaurants into bankruptcy while Amazon, Walmart, Costco and Big Pharma made grossly huge and obscenely excessive profits, the makers of CORONAVIRUS (2019) are pleased to bring you this spring MONKEYPOX: The Sequel.
Bill Gates is back in his role as the billionaire oligarch who wants to reduce the world’s population to 500 million people as it is written on the mysterious and suspiciously erected Georgia Guidestones.
Klaus Schwab reprises his role as the German engineer who wants to bring you a totalitarian One World Government and have everyone either dead or turned into a robotic cyborg by the year 2030.
George Soros returns as the nauseatingly annoying pipsqueak of a billionaire who engages in such evil endeavours because he’s… well… just plain evil.
Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus is back in his supporting role as the non-medical doctor doctor Tigray People’s Liberation Front Neo-Maoist head of WHO- the World Health Organization- controlled and owned by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, Big Pharma and the Chinese Communist Party although that fact is not mentioned and advertised on their letterhead stationery.
Joe Biden puts in a cameo appearance as the diaper wearing senile old fool who wants to give WHO absolute global control over managing the health policy of every nation on the planet.
And Kamala Harris puts in a cameo appearance as a dumbed down version of the villainess Madame Defarge from Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities as she cackles her way through television interviews in which she sings the praises of child sacrifice to Baal and Moloch.
Dr. Anthony Fauci guest stars as the evil mad scientist (so beloved by the brainless mainstream media) who relishes in telling every American citizen what to do and how to follow the science even though the science Dr. Fauci follows changes hour by hour.
Jorge Mario Bergoglio is back in his supporting role as the Satanic AntiPope Francis who tells his flock to take whatever vaccine Bill Gates and company is offering them even if it kills them.
Announcer and Trailer Narrator (in very sinister tones): Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Because that’s what the brainless mainstream media wants you to be…
Announcer and trailer narrator (in very bold and grandly eloquent overdramatic tones): MONKEYPOX: The Sequel.
Coming soon to a planet of nutcases and morons near you.
-A Renfieldian movie trailer
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 23rd
2022.
Sophia Loren, Yvonne de Carlo and Gina Lollobrigida will not be appearing in this turkey of a film
Rowan Atkinson as James Bond
Rowan Atkinson as James Bond
Here’s a fictional movie trailer I wrote for a movie
that would star Rowan Atkinson as James Bond…
Announcer: And now from United Artists and Metro-Goldwyn
Mayer… another fantastic tale in the epic story of the man they call…
James Bond…
(Rowan Atkinson appears at a hotel desk carrying his Mr. Bean
style Teddy Bear)
Atkinson (as James Bond): Hello, I’m a British secret agent on
Her Majesty’s Secret Service… licensed to kill… I’m currently working
as a fast food chef at McDonald’s… I understand you have a room for
me?
Hotel deskman: Yes sir? And the name is….
Atkinson: Bear… Teddy… Bear…
Hotel deskman: Not the bear’s name, idiot! Yours?
Atkinson: oh…
(Scene: Atkinson at the Taj Mahal. Amit Dhawan followed by a machine gun-
toting bikini babe approaches Bond)
Atkinson (as Bond): Are you… Dr. Maybe?
Amit: Maybe…
Atkinson: I understand you have something to give me…
(Amit nods to the machine gun-toting bikini babe. The machine gun-toting
bikini babe goes up to Atkinson and kicks him in the groin)
Amit: Take that you Imperialistic Britisher!
Atkinson (as Bond clutching his groin): I knew I should have
had butter and not Imperial margarine on my toast this morning…
(Scene: Atkinson at the Statue of Liberty. He is with a Chinese secret
agent played by Ziyi Zhang. She’s wearing an evening gown and he’s wearing
a tux.)
Ziyi: So Mr. Bond, you’re here to stop the Tehran Cross-Dressers’
League from blowing up the Statue of Liberty?
Atkinson (as Bond): Yes. Although it’s strange… this Tehran
Cross-Dressers’ League… Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
said last week that there are no gays in Iran…
Ziyi: And indeed… there aren’t… they’re all over here…
Atkinson (approaching Ziyi’s lips): How’d you get to be… so… SMART?
Ziyi (kicking Bond in the groin): By refusing to kiss… idiots!
Atkinson (as Bond in a high-pitched voice): I really should have used
a double to play these scenes…
Announcer: ZIP AND LET FLY opens in theatres on October 12th…
The Goldfish of the Baskervilles
The Goldfish of the Baskervilles
I have often tried my hand in the past at writing
my own TV commercials.
Now I’ve decided to write my own movie trailer!
(for a fictional movie of course! not a real one!)
The Goldfish of the Baskervilles
A movie trailer
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
August 14th, 2007
Announcer: And now a new film by Quentin Tarantino…
(The film credit A Quentin Tarantino Production appears on
the movie screen)
Announcer: The one case of Sherlock Holmes that Doctor
Watson never wrote down in his Journals finally comes to the
screen…
(The film titleThe Goldfish of the Baskervilles appears on
the movie screen)
Announcer: Starring Johnny Depp as Sherlock Holmes…
(Johnny Depp as Sherlock Holmes appears on the movie screen)
Johnny Depp (as Sherlock Holmes): Great heavens, Watson!
I appear to have these pairs of scissors stuck to my hands!
Announcer: And Brad Pitt as Doctor Watson…
(Brad Pitt as Doctor Watson appears on the Movie screen)
Brad Pitt (as Doctor Watson): I say, Holmes, don’t you think that I’m
the best looking Doctor Watson in all recorded history?
Announcer: With Antonio Banderas as Professor Moriarty…
(Antonio Banderas as Professor Moriarty appears on the screen)
Antonio Banderas (as Professor Moriarty): The mistake you made
Mister Holmes is what Shakespeare once said, What’s in a name?
Because my last name is Moriarty, you were looking for an Irishman
and I turned out to be a Spaniard. Buenos nachos, Mr. Holmes…
and adios… (fires pistol)
Announcer: Salma Hayek as the London music hall dancer and waitress…
(Salma Hayek in a bright coloured red dress puts a cup of hot chocolate
down in front of Johnny Depp)
Salma Hayek: You might well ask what happened to the cherry, Mister Holmes…
well… once upon a time in Mexico…
Announcer: Angelina Jolie as Irene Adler… to Sherlock Holmes… she was
always THE woman…
(Angelina Jolie as Irene Adler appears on the movie screen.
In the same scene is Brad Pitt as Doctor Watson)
Brad Pitt (as Doctor Watson): You know Miss Adler, you look
familiar for some reason.
Announcer: Tom Hanks as Sir Henry Baskerville…
(Tom Hanks as Sir Henry Baskerville appears on the screen)
Tom Hanks (as Sir Henry Baskerville): I should have never listened to
my mother. I knew I shouldn’t have put that box of chocolates in the goldfish
pond even though it was my pet goldfish’s birthday.
Announcer: Special guest appearance by Lindsay Lohan as Victorian London’s
first woman cab driver…
(Lindsay Lohan in a long and big bustled Victorian dress holding horseless reins
appears on the screen)
Lindsay Lohan: I seem to have crashed my horseless carriage…
Announcer: with special appearance by David Letterman as Inspector
Lestrade of Scotland Yard…
(David Letterman as Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard approaches
Lindsay Lohan on the screen)
David Letterman (as Inspector Lestrade to Lindsay Lohan):
Pardon me, Miss, but have you been drinking?
Announcer: And like all Hollywood trailers these days, we give away the
ending to the film if the audience is attentive…
Johnny Depp (as Sherlock Holmes): Great heavens, Watson!
I seemed to have impaled the Goldfish of the Baskervilles with
my scissor hands.
Announcer: The Goldfish of the Baskervilles…
coming soon to a movie theatre near you!
Dracul Van Helsing 
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