Rowan Atkinson as James Bond

October 9, 2007 at 1:21 pm (Movie Trailers)

 Rowan Atkinson as James Bond


Here’s a fictional movie trailer I wrote for a movie 
that would star Rowan Atkinson as James Bond…

Announcer: And now from United Artists and Metro-Goldwyn
Mayer… another fantastic tale in the epic story of the man they call…
James Bond…

(Rowan Atkinson appears at a hotel desk carrying his Mr. Bean
style Teddy Bear)

Atkinson (as James Bond): Hello, I’m a British secret agent on
Her Majesty’s Secret Service… licensed to kill… I’m currently working
as a fast food chef at McDonald’s… I understand you have a room for
me?

Hotel deskman: Yes sir? And the name is….

Atkinson: Bear… Teddy… Bear…

Hotel deskman: Not the bear’s name, idiot! Yours?

Atkinson: oh…

(Scene: Atkinson at the Taj Mahal. Amit Dhawan followed by a machine gun-
toting bikini babe approaches Bond)

Atkinson (as Bond): Are you… Dr. Maybe?

Amit: Maybe…

Atkinson: I understand you have something to give me…

(Amit nods to the machine gun-toting bikini babe. The machine gun-toting
bikini babe goes up to Atkinson and kicks him in the groin)

Amit: Take that you Imperialistic Britisher!

Atkinson (as Bond clutching his groin): I knew I should have
had butter and not Imperial margarine on my toast this morning…
(Scene: Atkinson at the Statue of Liberty. He is with a Chinese secret
agent played by Ziyi Zhang. She’s wearing an evening gown and he’s wearing
a tux.)

Ziyi: So Mr. Bond, you’re here to stop the Tehran Cross-Dressers’ 
League from blowing up the Statue of Liberty?

Atkinson (as Bond): Yes. Although it’s strange… this Tehran
Cross-Dressers’ League… Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
said last week that there are no gays in Iran…

Ziyi: And indeed… there aren’t… they’re all over here…

Atkinson (approaching Ziyi’s lips): How’d you get to be… so… SMART?

Ziyi (kicking Bond in the groin): By refusing to kiss… idiots!

Atkinson (as Bond in a high-pitched voice): I really should have used
a double to play these scenes…

Announcer: ZIP AND LET FLY  opens in theatres on October 12th…
 

Permalink Leave a Comment

The Goldfish of the Baskervilles

August 14, 2007 at 4:06 pm (Movie Trailers)

 The Goldfish of the Baskervilles


I have often tried my hand in the past at writing
my own TV commercials.

Now I’ve decided to write my own movie trailer!
(for a fictional movie of course! not a real one!)

The Goldfish of the Baskervilles
A movie trailer
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
August 14th, 2007

Announcer: And now a new film by Quentin Tarantino…

(The film credit A Quentin Tarantino Production appears on
the movie screen)

Announcer: The one case of Sherlock Holmes that Doctor 
Watson never wrote down in his Journals finally comes to the
screen…

(The film titleThe Goldfish of the Baskervilles appears on 
the movie screen)

Announcer: Starring Johnny Depp as Sherlock Holmes…

(Johnny Depp as Sherlock Holmes appears on the movie screen)

Johnny Depp (as Sherlock Holmes): Great heavens, Watson!
I appear to have these pairs of scissors stuck to my hands!

Announcer: And Brad Pitt as Doctor Watson…

(Brad Pitt as Doctor Watson appears on the Movie screen)

Brad Pitt (as Doctor Watson): I say, Holmes, don’t you think that I’m
the best looking Doctor Watson in all recorded history?

Announcer: With Antonio Banderas as Professor Moriarty…

(Antonio Banderas as Professor Moriarty appears on the screen)

Antonio Banderas (as Professor Moriarty): The mistake you made
Mister Holmes is what Shakespeare once said, What’s in a name?
Because my last name is Moriarty, you were looking for an Irishman
and I turned out to be a Spaniard. Buenos nachos, Mr. Holmes…
and adios… (fires pistol)

Announcer: Salma Hayek as the London music hall dancer and waitress…

(Salma Hayek in a bright coloured red dress puts a cup of hot chocolate
 down in front of Johnny Depp)

Salma Hayek: You might well ask what happened to the cherry, Mister Holmes…
well… once upon a time in Mexico…

Announcer: Angelina Jolie as Irene Adler… to Sherlock Holmes… she was
always THE woman…

(Angelina Jolie as Irene Adler appears on the movie screen.
In the same scene is Brad Pitt as Doctor Watson)

Brad Pitt (as Doctor Watson): You know Miss Adler, you look
familiar for some reason.

Announcer: Tom Hanks as Sir Henry Baskerville…

(Tom Hanks as Sir Henry Baskerville appears on the screen)

Tom Hanks (as Sir Henry Baskerville): I should have never listened to
my mother. I knew I shouldn’t have put that box of chocolates in the goldfish
pond even though it was my pet goldfish’s birthday.

Announcer: Special guest appearance by Lindsay Lohan as Victorian London’s
first woman cab driver…
 
(Lindsay Lohan in a long and big bustled Victorian dress holding horseless reins 
appears on the screen)

Lindsay Lohan: I seem to have crashed my horseless carriage…

Announcer: with special appearance by David Letterman as Inspector
Lestrade of Scotland Yard…

(David Letterman as Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard approaches
Lindsay Lohan on the screen)

David Letterman (as Inspector Lestrade to Lindsay Lohan):
Pardon me, Miss, but have you been drinking?

Announcer: And like all Hollywood trailers these days, we give away the
ending to the film if the audience is attentive…

Johnny Depp (as Sherlock Holmes): Great heavens, Watson!
I seemed to have impaled the Goldfish of the Baskervilles with
my scissor hands.

Announcer: The Goldfish of the Baskervilles…
coming soon to a movie theatre near you!

 

Permalink Leave a Comment