Zeus’ New Year’s Eve In Berlin
Zeus’ New Year’s Eve In Berlin
When the Greek god Zeus heard the news that the Germanic god Wotan (aka the Norse god Odin) would be spending his New Year’s Eve in Athens, Greece watching Greek lady belly dancers in the city’s tavernas (although Odin/Wotan told his wife Freya that he’d be snow bowling as opposed to lawn bowling with Thor up at the North Pole), Zeus decided that he’d attend a New Year’s Eve party in the German capital of Berlin.
Buying the latest men’s tuxedo from a fashionable and upscale London tailor (where British Prime Minister Boris Johnson purchased his suits), Zeus flew an old Zeppelin dirigible from London to Berlin.
One of the guests aboard the New Year’s Eve dirigible for select celebrities (of which the Grecian sky god of Mount Olympus was considered to be one) was a former advisor to Donald Trump (who had just discovered hours earlier that he had apparently lost his job on the last day of this year when he read about it in one of the American leader’s recent tweets).
Overdosing on strawberry daiquiris, he got the lead out from the Zeppelin via his rear end when he sat on the edge of the dirigible deck and mooned various U.S. consulates and embassies (that the airship flew over on its way to Berlin) as his own personal form of retaliation.
Zeus was looking very dapper and debonair as he got off the Zeppelin and proceeded to chase anyone wearing a skirt (although he quickly reached the conclusion that the tea members of Berlin’s LGBTQ community wasn’t quite what he had in mind and vowed to be more observant and diligent on his Berlin night out).
As for the now former advisor to Donald Trump, when what was left of him was taken off the airship, they were able to bury all of him in a cigar box and place him 6 feet under in a Berlin cemetery.
Zeus reached a Berlin publishing company’s New Year’s Eve party and decided to crash it.
Posing as the author of a book on Greek mythology, the bearded Olympian was let in.
Zeus noted that his son Dionysus (aka Bacchus) was there.
After 9 PM in the evening, Dionysus fell asleep with his head in the gigantic punch bowl where it remained the rest of the night (with no one bothering to remove it as patrons and guests just scooped up their glasses of punch around the drunken deity’s head).
The Greek hero Achilles was there having recently been granted a temporary dispensation from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone.
Achilles was trying to put the moves on the (quite literally) immortal beautiful Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka who was currently visiting Germany from the U.S. Dakotas.
Belvedere the ghost of a Ghost White Salamander and a reporter for the Times of London was covering the New Year’s Eve literary gala.
During his mortal human life back in the 19th Century (how he ended up the ghost of a Ghost White Salamander and ceased being human was one long sad story), Belvedere had been good friends with the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka and her grandfather White Hawk (who was a great Lakota Sioux Medicine Man).
In fact the three had celebrated together Chief Sitting Bull’s victory over George Armstrong Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.
Noticing that Tanaka was being bothered by the obnoxious and egotistical so-called “hero” of the Trojan War, Belvedere used a spectral bow and arrow (the spirit of the material physical bow and arrow that had been given him as a gift by White Hawk) and fired a spectral arrow at Achilles’ spectral heel.
“Damn! Not again!” Achilles shouted as a group of models wearing the latest dress fashions from Paris and carrying apples in their hands did a catwalk through the party hall.
Achilles fell over and once again departed to the realm of Hades.
Just then Zeus noticed 3 beautiful women standing against the wall by one of the balcony windows.
The Olympian decided to go over and make a move hoping to bring in the New Year with a bang- and possibly three- if he was lucky.
However a huge damper was about to fall on Zeus’ plans for the evening when his wife Hera stepped off the elevator into the party room.
She had been invited to the party by the President of the Berlin Publishing Company.
Hera noticed Zeus chatting up the three beauties.
New Year’s Eve fireworks soon went off.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 31st
2019.
Allatallahbel, Odin, Rudolphus, Loki and Apophis
Allatallahbel, Odin, Rudolphus, Loki and Apophis
Odin sent his flying and fire-breathing reindeer Rudolphus to rescue Loki from the asteroid Apophis 99942 on which the Norse trickster god had found himself recently stranded.
This after an appeal to Odin from Loki’s daughter Hel the Norse goddess of the realm of the dead who are not warriors – a place also called Hel in the realm of Niflheim.
Rudolphus and Loki landed in Siberia to little or no fanfare though they weren’t really expecting any.
Putin, when informed of the incident, thought America might be testing new military hardware.
At the Vatican, Allatallahbel the vampiress priestess of Baal was preparing to seduce Samhain Cardinal Salaman namely because he was one of the few heterosexuals available in Pope Francis’ Vatican.
In Beijing, China’s supreme leader (and self-proclaimed god) Xi Jinping was meeting with his supernatural entity advisor the Black Dragon to discuss the upcoming war games his forces would be participating in alongside the Russians and the Iranians.
And down in Australia, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was pulling out what little hair he had left over the news that it was an individual by the name of Uncle Ernie who was in charge of tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve fireworks over Sydney.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 30th
2019.
Morgana and The Horns of Cernunnos
Morgana and The Horns of Cernunnos
The Welsh vampiress Morgana was very good friends with Cernunnos the horned stag god of the Celts.
For sport, Cernunnos used to take his bow and arrow and hunt those humans who hunted deer for sport.
In the 13th Century in England, the most notorious stag and deer hunter of them all was Lord James Hamish Belfor of the appropriately named Hellreach Castle.
Cernunnos vowed to put an end to this Lord James Hamish Belfor of Hellreach once and for all.
As Lord Belfor was sitting with his fellow hunters celebrating the day’s hunt in The Cyclops Arms Pub, a monk who was a mystic spoke to him, “Did you know that Cernunnos is now hunting for you, oh Lord Belfor of Hellreach?”.
“Who’s Cernunnos?” Asked one of Lord Belfor’s friends who wasn’t very bright (a number of Canadian Prime Ministers in the far distant future would be descended from this questioner’s loins).
“He’s the horned stag god of the Celts, you ninny,” Lord Belfor of Hellreach laughed as he downed yet another pint of cider.
The monk departed the inn just as the Welsh vampiress Morgana entered.
“You know what I’m going to do?” Lord Belfor boasted to his friends, “I’m going to hunt this Cernunnos myself and I swear to the infernal gods below that I shall have this deity’s stag horns hanging on my own castle wall.”
“You fool,” Morgana laughed at him, “You cannot get the horns belonging to a god. Only someone who gives their soul to a devil can do that.”
The lovely vampiress turned and walked out the pub door.
“Then that is what I shall do,” Lord Belfor of Hellreach laughed.
The following night, Lord Belfor summoned Mephistopheles and sold his soul to him in exchange for coming into possession of the horns of Cernunnos.
And so the horns of Cernunnos ended up on the wall of Lord James Hamish Belfor of Hellreach.
The day after that, Lord Belfor was gored to death by a stag.
And so Mephistopheles did not have to wait long to collect his debt.
Of course Cernunnos being a god, his horns grew back.
But someday he vowed to get back his old horns currently on the wall of the Belfor family’s Hellreach Castle.
. . .
During the 1890s, Lord James Hamish Belfor the 13th was in a position to become Prime Minister of Britain.
In fact, he was the favourite of Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm II to become Prime Minister of Britain as the notorious and traitorous lord would be the Kaiser’s puppet.
One fateful day, Lord Belfor 13th of Hellreach would slay 13 stags in a forest not far from Hellreach Castle.
He went home to celebrate.
He also expected to be summoned shortly by Queen Victoria to form a government.
That night, he paid a visit to the nearby Cyclops Arms Pub to boast of his success with the members of the Saint Hubertus Hunting Lodge.
When he returned home, he discovered one light was already on in the castle’s grand hall as he walked through the door:
Lights shone on the horns of Cernunnos as the Welsh vampiress Morgana stood underneath.
“What the Hell are you doing here?” Lord Belfor angrily asked Morgana.
Standing on the central staircase of the grand hall was the Celtic stag god Cernunnos who raised his crossbow and fired a poisoned arrow at Lord James Hamish Belfor the 13th.
The dreadful Lord died instantly.
Instead of being summoned by Her Majesty Queen Victoria to form a government, Lord Belfor’s body was measured for a casket in an undertaker’s shop and his soul was carried off to Tartarus by Mephistopheles.
And Cernunnos joined his old horns together with his new ones.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 29th
2019.
Pan Goatee, Kim Jong-un, Loki and Apophis
Pan Goatee, Kim Jong-un, Loki and Apophis
Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was crossing the street carrying a bag full of cans of diet Cola so he could have a caffeine induced high at home.
As he reached the other side of the street, an ugly looking woman walked by.
The first ugly looking woman he had seen in days.
Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the uglo with his astral laser machete.
“Why don’t you uglos stay indoors when it’s the holiday season?” Pan Goatee remarked as he kicked the uglo’s head into the windows of a nearby high school, “Ruining people’s holidays by walking about and frightening animals and small children not to mention everybody else. No wonder Santa Claus never visited anyone in the neighbourhood this past Christmas Eve. He didn’t want Rudolph and all of the other reindeer to be terrified to death after seeing you.”
As Pan Goatee continued down the street, his mobile phone rang.
“Goatee here,” the satyr said.
“Monsieur Goatee, this is Prime Minister Justin Trudeau,” the Canadian Prime Minister was at the end of the wireless line, “I’m just phoning to inform you and tell you the good news that the Association For A More Aesthetically Pleasing Environment has nominated you to receive the Order of Canada.”
“Wonderful,” Goatee smiled, “I suppose this means I’ll have to buy a tux and not wear my usual Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts to the ceremony.”
“What is it that you do anyways?” Justin had forgotten to read that part of the brief before making the call.
“I kill ugly looking women,” Goatee answered.
“Oh,” Justin paused.
He was wondering how he as a self-proclaimed “feminist” would look if his government awarded the Order of Canada to someone who went around killing ugly looking women.
Not of course that he as Canada’s self-proclaimed “feminist” leader had any ugly looking women working around his office himself.
Only beautiful women.
Something he shared in common with America’s self-tweeted “misogynist” leader Donald Trump.
. . .
The Avangard Russian hypersonic missile that currently had the Norse trickster god Loki by his derrière and was carrying the famed deity into outer space was headed straight towards the Apophis 99942 asteroid.
The Apophis 99942 asteroid is about 1100 feet (340 meters) wide, was discovered in 2004 (where it was first dubbed 2004 MN4), was given the formal name Apophis a year later by the International Astronomical Union in commemoration of “the Egyptian god of evil and destruction who dwells in eternal darkness” and the asteroid has a 2.7% probability of hitting the Earth on Friday April 13th 2029.
A larger probability than that according to Set Enterprises’ Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who says the asteroid hitting the earth on that date will put a damper on celebrations marking the inauguration of Greta Thunberg as President of the United States of Europe (the same day she also finally graduates from anger management classes).
“Wow, this is one big motherfucker of an asteroid,” the Norse god Loki commented as he crashed into it.
The ghost of Oedipus Rex the King of Thebes who floated by with spectral blood flowing from his spectral eyes was not amused by Loki’s comment.
. . .
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was presiding over a general congress of the ruling North Korean Workers’ Party in Pyongyang when he was informed that a North Korean government astronomer had observed the Norse trickster god Loki doing sit ups and practicing yoga positions on the asteroid Apophis 99942.
“This must be a U.S. imperialist plot to attack our country the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea many of whose subjects are now enjoying their 7th year of widespread famine under my enlightened leadership,” Kim pounded the desk in front of him, “summon my white horse. I shall ride to the observatory to see for myself.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 28th
2019.
Yaldabaoth In Trinidad
Yaldabaoth In Trinidad
Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was spending his Christmas vacation on the Caribbean island of Trinidad.
After visiting a small Christmas market in Dublin earlier this month, he had bought himself an old LP record of The Andrews Sisters.
He particularly enjoyed their song Rum and Coca-Cola whose lyrics included these words:
If you ever go down Trinidad
They make you feel so very glad
Calypso sing and make up rhyme
Guarantee you one real good fine time…
Yaldabaoth was so impressed, he immediately booked a trip to Trinidad.
Now he sat on a nice warm sandy beach in Trinidad drinking a dozen rums and coca-colas under his beach umbrella.
“You’re Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun aren’t you?” Asked the Norse trickster god Loki as he set up a beach umbrella about six feet away from Yaldabaoth.
“I am,” the leprechaun nodded as he sipped one of his many rums and coca-colas, “but my mother Sophia the Gnostic Greco-Egyptian goddess of wisdom tells people that I’m the creator of the physical material universe. She doesn’t have the heart to say that I’m a sobriety challenged leprechaun.”
“Have you ever thought of joining Alcoholics Anonymous?” Loki asked as he finally managed to get his beach umbrella in the right place.
“Never,” Yaldabaoth answered as he ordered another dozen rums and coca-colas from the waitress.
“I’m the Norse god Loki,” the trickster god put on his sunglasses, “I’m tired of freezing my nuts off in the Jotunheim Mountains waiting for the Battle of Ragnarok to begin while Odin strolls around playing reindeer games with Rudolphus the Fire-Breathing Reindeer. So I’m here in warmer climes.”
Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin was announcing the launch of the new Avangard hypersonic missile system.
As he pushed the button to signal the start of the test, he announced, “I know for a fact that Donald Trump doesn’t have one of these,” as the Russian leader held his right hand down the front of his trousers.
“I wonder how he knows for a fact that Donald Trump doesn’t have one of these,” a Russian Army General muttered under his breath.
Sadly for the Russian General however, he didn’t mutter it under his breath quite low enough.
Putin overheard the remark.
Within minutes, the General found himself being abducted by mask clad Russian commandos and taken to a remote island in the Arctic Circle where a number of Russian Opposition party members suddenly found themselves this past week.
Back in Trinidad, Loki was bending over on the Trinidadian sandy beach to once again get his beach umbrella back in place to his liking.
Loki’s derrière made a tempting sight for the new Russian Avangard hypersonic missile approaching travelling at 27 times the speed of sound.
Loki soon found himself tens of thousands of miles away from that beach umbrella.
One of Pope Francis’ numerous homosexual Cardinals, who was currently celebrating Christmas down in Trinidad, arrived on the scene.
“Gosh,” the Cardinal sighed, “If I had been on the beach only half an hour earlier, I might have been the one who claimed this spot. I might have been the one bending over at the time that divinely shaped object arrived. I could have been the one carried all the way to Wonderland in my rear end.”
Meanwhile Loki was boldly going where no trickster god had gone before.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 27th
2019.
Pachamama In New York City
Pachamama In New York City
A street opened up in Manhattan and a dragon flew out of the opening.
A mounted NYPD horseman seated on his horse and a man who was as sober as a rock thought maybe he should start drinking on the job after seeing that dragon.
His horse was having much the same thoughts.
The dragon flew around the Empire State Building and circled it several times.
Then it flew towards the United Nations Building and flew down towards the plaza in front.
It then turned into a beautiful woman.
Lev Tomi the Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change looked out the window of his office.
He noticed Pachamama the earth mother goddess of the Incas in the plaza and walking towards the building.
“She’s right on time,” Lev Tomi smiled.
. . .
Inside the American Museum of Natural History in New York, the disembodied flaming head of Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin was flying through the air above the corridors.
Teilhard opened his mouth and said, “Behold Piltdown Man.”
A fiery image of Piltdown Man appeared.
Then the Jesuit opened his mouth and said, “Behold Peking Man.”
A fiery image of Peking Man appeared.
The flaming disembodied head opened his mouth a third time and said, “Behold the coming Homo Noeticus.”
A fiery image of the coming Homo Noeticus appeared.
The T-Rex skeleton at the American Museum of Natural History fainted when it saw the image of Homo Noeticus.
The museum custodian, who was sweeping the floor, thought the T-Rex skeleton said “I would have much preferred the Irish-Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg’s futuristic Akira sex robot,” before it crashed to the floor.
. . .
The Ethiopian Princess Ayesha (a direct descendant of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba) was visiting New York City.
She was attending a service in a Manhattan synagogue where she was holding a Torah scroll.
As Ayesha was chanting an ancient canticle inside the synagogue, outside the synagogue, Pachamama was planning a one-world government down at UN Headquarters and the disembodied flaming head of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin was causing chaos and havoc down at the American Museum of Natural History.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 26th
2019.
Odin, Rudolphus The Fire-Breathing Reindeer and Baby Yoda
Odin, Rudolphus The Fire-Breathing Reindeer and Baby Yoda
Amadeus Emanon was listening to BBC World News on the radio.
BBC News Announcer: And in other news, Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani said that he’s currently investigating claims that Joe Biden as a 5-year-old participated in the surgical autopsy performed in Area 51 on the bodies of the ET grays who were killed in the UFO crash at Roswell New Mexico in 1947.
On the subject Donald Trump tweeted, @realDonaldTrump Go Rudy! #TheTruthIsOutThere
. . .
Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was in Oslo, Norway.
He was looking at a photograph taken last night from a cliff in the Jotunheim Mountains of Norway.
Whitstable had text messaged the photo to an acquaintance of his Clive Reuel Staples a professor of Norse, Germanic and Anglo-Saxon Mythology at Oxford University.
He asked for help in identifying the figures in the photo.
Staples text messaged back that the figures were Rudolfus the Fire-Breathing Reindeer and Odin the King of the Norse gods.
Staples also informed Whitstable that Odin only rides Rudolfus the Fire-Breathing Reindeer when a major global conflict is about to break out.
Whitstable looked over at his assistant who was already turning the photo of Odin and Rudolphus the Fire-Breathing Reindeer into a Facebook meme.
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was over at the Set Enterprises laboratory to pick up Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to drive him home for Christmas dinner.
Dr. Rocher was busy working on Magical Mystery Tour the new marijuana smoking desert cactus plant that he was developing for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Sitting in the back of the car, Dr. Rocher asked Renfield, “Did you ever see the 2004 Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ?”.
“I did,” Renfield answered.
“Do you remember that scene where the Devil played by Italian actress Rosalinda Celentano is carrying a very sinister looking baby?” Rocher asked.
“I do,” Renfield nodded.
“Have you noticed,” Dr. Rocher drew a sketch on a piece of paper, “that if you put bigger ears on that baby, how much it looks like Baby Yoda from the Star Wars Disney + television series The Mandalorian?”.
“Dr. Rocher,” Renfield looked back at the scientist, “Are you trying to tell me that Baby Yoda is the Devil’s child? The Antichrist?”.
“I am,” Dr. Rocher nodded.
Renfield drove the Set Enterprises’ scientist to the nearest hospital emergency ward fearing that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had inhaled way too much of Magical Mystery Tour’s exhaled pot smoke.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 25th
2019.
Reblog of A Young Legionary In Bethlehem: The Christmas Story Never Told
A Christmas short story I wrote last Christmas.
The young legionary had had a bad day.
After a night of rowdy drinking, he had forgotten the standard for his regiment.
And had left it overnight in the little town of Bethlehem.
The officer in charge of the regiment was thankfully merciful.
Instead of court martialing the young legionary for his most serious offense, he just sent the young legionary back to Bethlehem to retrieve it.
Although being sent back to Bethlehem was punishment enough the young legionary figured.
For Bethlehem had to be the most god forsaken place on this earth.
“Have fun in Bethlehem, Pompey,” his fellow legionaries had said to him.
Pompey was his nickname.
Pompey of course had been the name of the Roman general who had lost to Julius Caesar in the Roman civil war.
It was an inside joke that earned the young legionary his nickname.
As Pompey set out from Jerusalem towards…
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Footballers, Shepherds and Wise Men
Footballers, Shepherds and Wise Men
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was walking with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont on the streets of London two nights before Christmas Day.
“So,” Amadeus remarked to Renfield, “Did you hear that Pope Francis recently met with a group of footballers (called soccer players in Canada and the U.S.) and asked them, “Don’t you guys have anything better to do than make the Sign of the Cross while playing the game?”.
“No doubt,” Renfield sipped his hot chocolate, “the demonic spirit guides who serve as advisors to Pope Francis get frightened off if they’re watching a football game and they see some players making the Sign of The Cross.”
“I suppose that’s it,” Amadeus put a £10 donation in a Salvation Army glass Christmas kettle.
“I’m sure,” Renfield made the same amount donation into the glass Christmas kettle, “that Pope Francis’ demonic spirit guides are never bothered by seeing anyone make the Sign of The Cross around Pope Francis’ papal apartments.”
“That’s probably true,” Amadeus nodded.
“Look, there’s an outdoor Christmas Nativity scene next to that church up ahead,” Angelique Dumont pointed.
The trio headed to the Nativity scene.
In the stable, one could see the figures of the Virgin Mary, Saint Joseph and the Baby Jesus.
Outside the stable were a group of shepherds kneeling.
Approaching a few feet away were the figures of the Wise Men riding their camels.
And just behind the fence of the Nativity scene were real live donkeys that members of the public could pet.
“Hello, little donkey,” Amadeus patted a donkey’s nose.
The donkey brayed contentedly.
“You always seem to get along well with animals,” Renfield noted.
Another donkey ate the flower in Renfield’s coat lapel.
“Well, at least he likes your flowers, Renfield,” Angelique laughed.
“It’s good that I’m appreciated in some fashion,” Renfield had to admit.
The trio headed off down the street as stars sparkled in the night sky.
Carrying a distant reminder of the night sky in Bethlehem many many years ago.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 23rd
2019.
Christmas Sweater
Christmas Sweater
And so one might ask, who and what did Santa Claus ride
Back in the day of the dinosaurs’ stride?
And now thanks to Christmas sweaters, it can be revealed
You can wear the sweater while, on the topic, keeping your lips sealed.
-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday December 22nd
2019.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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