Why The Tortoise Was Able to Win the Race?

July 31, 2007 at 5:50 pm (Humour)

 Why The Tortoise Was Able To Win the Race?


Why The Tortoise Was Able To Win
The Race?
A commercial for CNN News
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 30th, 2007

Voice of CNN Announcer:

It was hailed as the race of the century…

even though it was a sure win for one of the 
two participants…

…the hard-drinking Guinness imbibing skirt chasing
Chicago Irish-American hare…

Mr. Blarney Airport O’Hare…

… and on the other side…

… the slow-moving slower than molasses in January tortoise…

… Mr. Terry Tortoise…

… then on that hot day in early July…

… the result that stunned the world…

… Terry Tortoise defeated Blarney Airport O’Hare…

… in the 1,500 metre dash…

… hares everywhere were crushed…

… in fact they couldn’t sell Rabbit Stew fast enough 
off Walmart shelves…

…tortoises everywhere were rejoicing…

… and buying up Nike running shoes faster than they
were buying up Life Insurance policies…

… then the news last week that sent every tortoise crawling
back into his shell…

… the results of the drug test…

… Terry Tortoise had been using steroids…

… Tonight on the next Larry King…

Larry King: Why the tortoise was able to win the race?…

Announcer: Larry talks to Terry Tortoise’s manager…

Larry: Did you suspect anything?

Terry’s manager: Well, I suppose I should have become suspicious when
I saw him shooting up with needles. But I thought… I just thought…
he was a heroin addict. I’d never dream he’d be using steroids…

Announcer: Larry talks to Terry’s mother…

Larry: What do you have to say about Terry?
Terry’s mother (blubbbering): Well Terry was always a good boy.
He never did anything wrong in his life. He always won the Boy
Scout Award each year for helping little old ladies across the street.
He was voted the epitome of Honesty and Integrity in the High School
Yearbook. I always instilled him with the highest moral values possible.
His teachers and his coaches never had anything bad to say about him.
Everyone praised him. He was last year’s winner of the Citizen of the Year Award.

Larry: And now he’s been busted as a steroid junkie… he cheated to win
this race…

Terry’s mother (nodding): Yes, that’s right!… 

Announcer: Larry talks to Terry’s best friend…

Larry: What sort of guy was Terry?

Terry’s best friend: Terry was the type of tortoise who’d give
you the shirt off his back…

Larry (pointing out): But tortoises don’t wear shirts on
their backs…

Terry’s best friend: Well in Terry’s case, it was because he gave it
to someone…

Announcer:  And following Larry King… on Anderson Cooper’s 360…

360 Program Announcer… It’s not only athletes who are letting America 
down…

Anderson Cooper: Former US President Bill Clinton tests positive for Viagara 
use…

360 Program Announcer: The former President breaks down and tells all
in the booth of a small New York City diner…

Bill Clinton (weeping and crying and sobbing as he laments to
Anderson Cooper): Oh, for the days when I was able to successfully
cause laundry stains without any pharmaceutical help…

Voice of CNN Announcer: On the next Anderson Cooper 360…

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