It’s Saturday… The Day After Friday… And Tomorrow’s Sunday

April 23, 2011 at 8:35 pm (Commentary, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Crace Kwan were having coffee in a Parisienne cafe after having attended Easter Vigil Evening Vespers at Notre Dame Cathedral.

Hyung was dressed in a black blouse and black skirt and black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto heels.

“So what are you thinking about?” Hyung asked the Canadian vampire hunter.

“About how Good Friday and Lenin’s birthday fell on the same day this year,” Dracul replied.

“That’s right, they did,” Hyung nodded, “yesterday was April 22nd.”

“Many people don’t know that’s why Earth Day is celebrated on April 22nd,” Dracul stated, “back in the 1960s and 1970s, the Soviet KGB had heavily penetrated both the upper levels of the United Nations and the environmental movement in the Western world. So when the date was selected for the very first Earth Day in 1970. April 22nd 1970 was chosen since that would have been Lenin’s 100th birthday.”

“So are Marxists still heavily involved in Earth Day celebrations?” Hyung asked.

“Not since the collapse of the Soviet Union, no,” Dracul shook his head, “it’s mainly run by New Agers and Gaia earth-goddess worshipping neo-Pagans now.”

“But still celebrated on Lenin’s birthday,” Hyung said.

“Yes, Lenin seems to be one very green corpse,” Dracul remarked.

* * *

Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a Piccadilly Circus restaurant and eating a tuna fish sandwich recalling how he had spent his Good Friday.

Early in the wee hours of Good Friday morning, Renfield had nailed the heavy metal rocker Stryker (nailed him quite literally) both hands and feet to the rafters of London’s latest trendiest discoteque and nightclub.

Renfield ripped off the rocker’s clothes and threw them to screaming female fans on the floor below where they played World of Warcraft on their smart phones and whoever got the highest score would be entitled to a portion of the metal rocker’s clothing.

At one point, Stryker let out a cry, “Lama, lama, deli-sabama?” which being interpreted is “Where the Hell did I leave my car keys?”.

“This man calls for the Dalai Lama,” some pot-smoking doper shouted.

“Let’s see whether the Dalai Lama comes to save him,” another doper cried out.

“The Dalai Lama isn’t coming,” a psychedlic mini dress wearing blonde with glazed eyes said after 5 minutes had passed.

“Bummer,” a doped-out dopey looking nerd with glasses and curly hair remarked, “I was wanting to ask him where he bought his orange robes. And then I was going to ask him if he knew of any place that sold apple or grapefruit robes as well.”

Then Stryker said, “I thirst.”

A groupie in a black leather mini skirt pulled up her skirt and pulled down her pantyhose and panties and removed her tampon. She then put her tampon on one of the lounge’s cool looking bamboo poles and held it up to Stryker’s lips where he drank.

Renfield then grabbed a customer’s samurai sword and went and cut off Stryker’s erect phallus.

“My penis, my penis,” Stryker screamed, “why hast thou forsaken me?”.

“He’s bleeding all over me!” a doper shouted.

“Father,” Stryker looked down towards what lay beneath the dance floor, “Into thy hands, I commend my spirit.”

He then gave up the ghost.

Then the power and the electricity and the lights went out.

A doper flicked his cigarette lighter open and said, “Truly, this man was the Son of Belial.”

* * *

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell organized a group of the nightclub bouncers who took down Stryker’s body and wrapped it in a blanket.

He then told the bouncers to go to Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s own tomb in London’s Highgate Cemetery and bury the body there.

And they did so.

* * *

And Renfield still had not received an invitation to attend Prince William’s and Kate Middleton’s wedding.

And spilling some loose change on the floor of the restaurant, Renfield went out into the night into the bright lights of Piccadilly Circus and wept.

* * *

To be continued.

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