Pan Goatee Promotes Urban Beautification

March 27, 2015 at 7:17 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Promotes Urban Beautification

“A thing of ugliness is a blemish on the human race forever,” Pan Goatee paraphrased John Keats as he cut off the head of the ugly looking woman he encountered on the street.

As Pan Goatee put back his bloodied machete into its extra large holster, he reflected he should really start billing the city council of this city double overtime for all the extra work he was doing promoting urban beautification.

Never had he seen so many ugly women he reflected.

Who let the dogs out? as the lyrics of that old song asked.

Pan Goatee blamed that interfering busybody Oprah Winfrey for this growing problem now facing North America.

If she hadn’t spent so many years trying to drill high-self esteem into these repulsively ugly looking creatures who, judging from their appearance, have a lot to have loads of low self-esteem about, they wouldn’t be out wandering the streets of the city.

Local authorities should really start making replica copies of that bronze mask of his ancient namesake Pan they had just found in Israel and start passing them out by the hundreds of thousands to the city’s facially aesthetically challenged residents and require them by law to wear them when they go out in public.

Promoting urban beautification was Pan Goatee’s own personal mission in life.

He was actually in this western Canadian city on the Pacific Ocean on a mission for the U.S. government for whom he worked as a hired assassin.

Apparently the owner of a local medical marijuana grow-op was considered a threat to the corporate interests of burgeoning medical marijuana grow-ops in the U.S. where such operations were now the rage among various state governments who were tripping over one another to legalize this new booming source of extra tax revenue.

And so when the interests of the Almighty U.S. Dollar were threatened, Uncle Sam listened.

And so genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was sent to dispatch a Canadian pot grower to Hades so that American pot growers might prosper and the American public would continue to be drugged and well medicated.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 27th


  1. Nicholas C. Rossis said,

    He’s just a misunderstood patriot, really.

  2. winfred said,

    Haha.. thinking of that if it was reality is really hilarious. Great writing

    • draculvanhelsing said,

      Thanks very much. 🙂

      Yes if this was reality, it would certainly make for interesting commentary on the Evening News.

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