Pan Goatee Beheads Oprah Winfrey For Encouraging Self-Esteem Even Amongst Ugly Looking Women

August 29, 2018 at 10:52 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Inspiration, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Beheads Oprah Winfrey For Encouraging Self-Esteem Even Amongst Ugly Looking Women

Pan Goatee could not believe the amount of dogs, cows and blimps that were out waddling and stampeding the city streets and sidewalks today.

And of course he was talking about two legged dogs, two legged cows and blimps with their elephant sized legs on the ground as opposed to blocking out the sun up in the sky and vastly increasing the amount of global warming across the globe through their massive body fat and heat.

Who the Hell left the cage doors and barn doors and Goodyear aerodrome doors open?

There were too many uglos for Pan Goatee’s laser astral machete to handle alone.

So he went into a Wal-Mart without any photo ID to buy himself an astral laser automatic machine gun with a thousand rounds of ammunition.

The only piece of ID he had on him was a written note from his psychiatrist that had on it written the single phrase, “This fellow is totally insane and mentally unstable.”

One clerk rang up the bill of sale, the other clerk packed up Pan Goatee’s astral laser automatic machine gun and rounds of ammunition into a bag and a third clerk invited him to buy an NRA membership which they were offering for $5 a year for today only.

Goatee accepted the membership discount.

“If there weren’t so many uglies around today,” Pan quipped, “I’d say today was my lucky day.”

“I know what you mean about uglies visually polluting the urban landscape,” the third clerk sympathized, “I lost yesterday’s breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack and today’s breakfast simultaneously when I came to work this morning.”

“Hey, who up chucked 🤮 the equivalent of the entire Amazon River and Pacific Ocean basin in the men’s washroom?” The janitor’s voice echoed throughout the store.

Pan Goatee went outside, loaded his ammunition and began firing at the massive amount of uglies all over the city.

News media reporters and TV cameramen were too busy reading and analyzing the latest tweets from Donald Trump on their smart phones to film the shootings and the gunman.

When Pan Goatee had started to develop Lee Harvey Oswald elbow as a result of too much shooting with one arm and then Grassy Knoll Gunmen elbow as a result of too much shooting with the other, he went into a cocktail lounge for a drink.

While there, he happened to notice Oprah Winfrey sitting up at the bar.

Goatee approached the former TV show host.

He had run out of ammunition but he still had his astral laser machete.

“It’s all your fault, Oprah,” he told the multi-billionaire entertainer, “that we have so many ugly white women in English speaking North America this century. Telling all these fat ugly blimps to have high self-esteem and feel good about themselves even though they turned into fat ugly visually aesthetically challenged dogs, cows and blimps sitting on their ugly asses watching television all day.”

Pan Goatee immediately beheaded the talk show hostess with his astral laser machete.

“I won’t be back after this message,” were Oprah’s last words as her head rolled on to the floor and then on to the Persian carpet.

. . .

“Mister President,” one of Donald Trump’s White House aides informed him, “we have it on good authority that Oprah Winfrey has just been beheaded.”

“That’s good,” Trump tried to comb some seagull droppings out of his hair, “there goes one of my potential Democratic Presidential opponents for 2020. Anyone behead Dwayne The Rock Johnson yet?”.

“Not yet,” his aide answered.

“Pity,” Trump remarked as he drank a cup of Red Rose Tea which was only available in Canada but he managed to talk his butler and valet Lexington into smuggling some across the border for him.

. . .

Ellen DeGeneres was trying to find Nemo in her outdoor fish pond when she was informed by her gardener that Oprah Winfrey had been beheaded.

“How awful,” Ellen gasped.

“I see that the publishers of A Course In Miracles have had Ms. Winfrey’s head and body cryogenically frozen and have hired London’s Set Enterprises scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to see if he can re-attach her head and body and then re-animate her,” the gardener read a news bulletin off his CNN News App.

“I hope he can,” Ellen said as Nemo came leaping out of the pond asking, “Where’s Dory?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 29th
2018.


A well-known anthropologist says that zombies 🧟‍♂️ probably don’t have the aesthetic sensibilities of Pan Goatee 🐐.

11 Comments

  1. Apple Rae said,

    Haha cracked me up bigtime! Too bad for Oprah and I wonder whyyyy Trump wants Dwayne Johnson beheaded too? Lol anywhoooo, the finding Dory with Nemo was the best way to end this chapter! 😂😂😂 hilarious af 🤣🤣🤣🤣

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you very much, Apple. ☺

      Some people want Oprah Winfrey to seek the Democratic Party nomination for President in 2020.

      And still other people want Dwayne The Rock Johnson to seek the Democratic Party nomination for President in 2020.

      Trump wants to see any potential opponents of his out of the way.

      Glad you enjoyed Ellen finding Nemo and Dory in her fish pond. 😂😂😂😂😅😅😅😅

  2. David Redpath said,

    Oprah was ahead of her time.
    Rest in the Freezer.

  3. janowrite said,

    This was simply brilliant, laughed all the way through. As with most effective humor, there’s that vein, in this case river, of truth beneath 🙂

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Jan. 🙂

      Glad you saw the satire in it.

      There are times when I feel like Jonathan Swift after he wrote A Modest Proposal.

      Condemned by some people who don’t understand satire.

      Thanks for understanding. 😂

      • janowrite said,

        It’s my pleasure – so few of us satirists around! What was so funny is it could have been my spouse talking (or me!) – and we’re so right, for the record. Renfield ought to go after the Plus Size industry next. 🙂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, extra high tariffs and a special extra high VAT on Plus Size Clothing would definitely create a change in societal attitudes and what is socially acceptable.

      • janowrite said,

        Yes. If one’s circumference is too, well, circular, one can’t buy pizza or Chunky Monkey. Wait. That’s not ice cream, that’s Hate Speech. Make that Cherry Jerry. Wait, that’s Sexist. Sigh. Poor Renfield has his work cut out. 🙂

  4. George F. said,

    Amazing how you manage to squeeze it all in. Classic Dracul: satirical, brilliant, on point. Especially this paragraph: When Pan Goatee had started to develop Lee Harvey Oswald elbow as a result of too much shooting with one arm and then Grassy Knoll Gunmen elbow as a result of too much shooting with the other, he went into a cocktail lounge for a drink. Fricken eh! LOL! All day LOL!

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