Artemis and The Ghost of W.C. Fields In Paris

September 4, 2022 at 10:57 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Literature, Mythology, News, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The Greek goddess Artemis in Paris

The Greek goddess Artemis was in her Paris hotel room.

Suddenly the ghost of W.C. Fields walked into the room.

“My dear, you look ravishingly beautiful,” W.C. doffed his top hat in her direction.

“Thank you, William,” Artemis stood up, threw open the curtain and gazed at the Eiffel Tower.

“William?” W.C. Fields was starstruck, “I had no idea you knew my first name.”

“I do,” Artemis smiled.

“I once met Joe Biden in the Oval Office,” Fields took a sip from a bottle of gin in one hand and a bottle of vermouth in the other, “and he told me he thought W.C. stood for Water Closet. Thus when he pulled his pants down and asked me to lie directly underneath his squatting legs, I immediately left the room.”

“Joe Biden is an ass,” Artemis stated emphatically.

“That he is, my dear, that he is,” W.C. Fields nodded emphatically, “and many a brown noser has followed that ass.”

“He shot and killed at least two of my sacred deer on a hunting trip last fall,” Artemis’ cheeks turned red with wrath and anger.

“Very sad story, my dear, very sad story,” Fields wiped his eyes with his handkerchief, “It’s enough to make one weep against the breasts of your statue in Ephesus.”

“Is that a vulture flying around the Eiffel Tower?” Artemis asked.

“I believe it is, my dear, I believe it is,” W.C. put on his monocle and looked, “It certainly isn’t my little chickadee.”

“What’s a vulture doing flying around the Eiffel Tower?” Artemis inquired.

“I believe that’s the ghoul vulture of Xi Jinping,” Fields ate a hard boiled egg, “The one who lays thousand-year-old eggs for Communist China’s paramount leader to enjoy at his large festive banquets in the Forbidden Palace.”

“What’s he doing in Paris?” Artemis wondered.

“Well I hear that George Soros’ French poodle Emmanuel Macron is calling on citizens of the Fifth Republic to freeze to death this winter in order to save the planet,” Fields ate some egg foo yung cooked in French champagne, “Perhaps the ghoul vulture of Xi Jinping is awaiting their demise so he can feed on their carcasses to his heart’s content.”

“All so that Xi Jinping can watch a bird lay an egg?” Artemis was incredulous.

“Well Xi has laid many an egg in front of the Beijing Politbureau,” Fields pointed out, “Perhaps he engages in such voyeuristic bird watching activities with vultures as a form of personal relaxation.”

“Nice to see you in Paris, William,” Artemis smiled.

“It’s nice to be in Paris, my dear,” W.C. again doffed his top hat in her direction, “I was debating whether to visit Philadelphia or Houston. I’m glad I didn’t visit Philadelphia as I heard Joe Biden sacrificed some young woman there while he was wearing the crown of King Agamemnon. Then later that evening he gave a Nazi fascist Stalinist Galactic Empire speech. He might want to brush up on his German, Russian and Klingon a little for even greater impact. I’m glad I didn’t visit Houston as they’re still weeping at NASA Mission Control over the two failed Artemis 1 Moon Rocket launches.”

“Believe it or not, William, there is a connection between what happened in Philadelphia and the crying in Houston,” Artemis pointed out.

“There is?” Fields scratched his chin.

“There is,” Artemis pulled a volume of Aeschylus out of her hotel room bookshelf.

The Aeschylus volume was right next to James Fenimore Cooper’s The Deerslayer.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 4th



  1. ebonyandcrows said,

    Hahahaha already I’m laughing and I’m not even finished with the post! The image of Joe Biden asking William to lie down between his legs because he thought it meant water closet is so horrifyingly accurate 😭

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, very true, Larisa.

      It is horrifyingly accurate. 😞

      • Hyperion said,

        Only the demented sleepy Joe could mistake ole W.C. For a WC. The shock value of that scene had the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock exclaiming he wish he had thought of that instead of that silly shower scene at the Bates Motel.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, poor Alfred must be hitting his spectral forehead after that.

        Although certain members of Joe Biden’s cabinet were afraid to murder a woman in a shower ever since after seeing that scene.

      • Hyperion said,

        It’s a good thing they watched the famous Hitchcock scene and now they know that women did exist in the past.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, no doubt they think all real women were done away in the past in showers by cross-dressing weirdos who had overbearing mothers.

      • Hyperion said,

        Precisely, now Norman Bates is the example of a woman. Which, by the way, is a bit unsettling.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It’s very unsettling indeed, my friend. 😱

      • Hyperion said,

        I religiously prescribe to the Dracul Van Helsing principles of feminine beauty. And of course, if Michelangelo blows up his stainless steel tank, I know the subject of his energetic release is a perfect ten worthy of my admiration.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Michelangelo blowing up his lobster tank is to feminine beauty what Simon Cowell is to giving two thumbs up to talent on America’s Got Talent.

      • Hyperion said,

        Great analogy. Ole Simon isn’t giving out two thumbs up recklessly

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As opposed to Howie Mandel who’d probably give two thumbs up and two big toes up to Joe Biden if he was up on stage pooping his pants as his particular talent act. πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ¦ΆπŸ»πŸ¦ΆπŸ»πŸ’©πŸ‘–

      • Hyperion said,

        Howie might change his mind if sleepy Joe gave him the WC treatment. 🚾🚻

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I think you’re right, Daniel. πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

  2. Suma Reddy said,

    Your novels are so creative Chris. Loved reading this one. Awesome πŸ‘Œ

  3. Hyperion said,

    This was incredibly good dialog and scene action. What really made the hair on my toes curl was the reference to Aeschylus the Greek playwright who wrote the tragedy, Agamemnon referenced to evil sleepy Joe while sacrificing an illegitimate daughter to appease Artemis. And right next to the collection was the tragedy, Deerslayer. I shudder because I sense another foretelling of the future. Brilliant, witty, and appropriately scarrific as only a vampire chapter should be.

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